Funny D&D Stories

[Meirnon]

I vote fire. Lots of it. After that, it's just a simple matter of casting Conjure Water over it. Your weapons probably won't be able to do anything, but it won't be able to move either. Put Bag of Holding over it and shred it into 1000001 pieces. Be prepared for reaction from deities of /b/.


Anyway, I rolled 4 20s and a 12 for a total of 99 on my Craft (Snowman) check. Best waste of awesome roll ever .

I vote the wizard casts "summon grue" and gtfo there.

[DragonOfUndeath]

I rolled 4 20s and a 12 for a total of 99 on my Craft (Snowman) check

you might want to check your math 20+20+20+20+12=92 not 99

[freefallin1309]

One of the newer ones I had involved a n00b to D&D or RPG's in general. He was a rather redneck-ish fellow with rudimentary knowledge of anything associated with D&D like Equipment (Weapons, Armor, etc).

He was playing a half orc barbarian and was traveling underground with a drow cleric of Lolth (yes, an evil campaign) and a gnome ninja. They had just defeated a group of Duergar and found pots of oil that they were going to use as flaming grenade-like weapons.

They entered a cavern from the north with hundreds of stalagmites and stalactites creating many shadows in the flickering torchlight with one giant column in the middle of the room. They began taking crossbow fire from the southwest and the ninja decided to head further in as long as the barbarian lobbed the pots of oil after lighting them with a torch.

The barbarian took it to heart to really light up the place and began throwing these flaming pots of oil all over the place, effectively making the room impassable due to the vast amount of fire ... but this didn't stop the quarrels from flying!

So the guy playing the barbarian came up with a great idea to protect himself from the fire so he could charge in ... he said he'd put on his Waterskin and run through the flames ... he thought a Waterskin was magical skin made of water that made you impervious to fire!

The rest of us didn't stop laughing for 15 minutes straight, out sides and cheeks hurting due to an image of a 6'5" 300 lb half orc barbarian with a skull and ear necklace and scary looking greataxe running through the fires holding his waterskin on with his off hand!

[koscum]

you might want to check your math 20+20+20+20+12=92 not 99

True, but if you subtract 92 from final 99, you'll get my total Craft (Snowman) skill modifier .

The thing is that I get these instant kill/godlike success rolls on random, stupid stuff and epic fail rolls (five 1s in a row) on save-or-die stuff.

[SamsDisciple]

So my story is old enough that I don't remember all the specifics but it involves lots of back stabbity goodness from the pc's. So the group needed to persuade the community of dwarves to join them in a battle against a dragon and its horde of servants. Sadly the pc'! Decided on seprate methods, the rogue decided to bribe them with xxxxx beer while the paladin tries to rally them with a rousing speech from the hilltop. Well drunken dwarves listening to a rousing speech isn't such an uncommon sight but when the illusionist gets it into his head to play a prank all falls loose, he pays the rogue to spread the plan to all the dwarves listening and during the climax of the paladins speech the paladin raises his sword calling the dwarves to action he knew something was wrong when they shouted spoon uproariously! The illusionist had made the swords appear to be spoons! Needless to say the dwarves thought it hilariously funny and agreed to fight but the paladin could never look at spoons the same again.

[Cardea]

Playing for the first time. New guy to the group was introduced rather badly, and by chain of events, got critted by my arrow. He got stuck to the wall twenty feet behind him.

[Meirnon]

Playing for the first time. New guy to the group was introduced rather badly, and by chain of events, got critted by my arrow. He got stuck to the wall twenty feet behind him.

At which point you guys all looted his gear and let him roll a new character. Now you're all giving him a list of what you want.

[Yukitsu]

Me: I'll need a block of sugar, a small file, a thin sheet of lead and a freindly ant.
DM: What?

[Walter]

The rest of us didn't stop laughing for 15 minutes straight, out sides and cheeks hurting due to an image of a 6'5" 300 lb half orc barbarian with a skull and ear necklace and scary looking greataxe running through the fires holding his waterskin on with his off hand!

Haha!! That is too funny!

[Silus]

Ok, after a series of...strange events (involving reincarnation, deity ascension, and time travel), my character (who started out as an Ork tinkerer, then multi-classed with Binder), an Owlbear Binder/Tinkerer ended up rolling a nat 1 to make some bombs that were to be used to blow up a temple of Lolth in an Elven city in a time before Lolth turned, well, evil.

So instead of outright killing himself in a Hiroshima/Nagasaki style explosion, he ended up exploding himself into the Time-Stream. Apparently massive explosion = time travel for Orks.

And then we fought a Dalek.

It's a weird campaign.

[CakeTown]

Our group runs a guild. As we needed a person who was good with magic for the quest we were on, our leader got the DM to give us an NPC wizard named Rebecca to aid us. Almost immediately, our male Ranger begins hitting on Rebecca, trying to seduce her. Our leader intervenes, and our group prepares to leave. As we walk, the Ranger tries hitting on Rebecca again. He asks the DM how attractive she is. The DM rolls a d10, and it ends up being a 1. He decides he doesn't want to hit on her anymore now that he knows she's ugly.

We run into an Ettin in the middle of the swamp. The Ettin has a beautiful woman tied to a tree. We attack the Ettin, and also the Feymire Crocodile that comes out of the water. On the Ranger's turn, he decides he wants to be a hero, so he jumps over a stream and lands next to the woman, ready to untie her. The woman is really a hag, and attacks the Ranger while we laugh.

Might not be amusing for all, but I find it funny that everytime he tries to do anything with a lady in game, she turns out to be hideous.

[koscum]

...and during the climax of the paladins speech the paladin raises his sword calling the dwarves to action he knew something was wrong when they shouted spoon uproariously! The illusionist had made the swords appear to be spoons! Needless to say the dwarves thought it hilariously funny and agreed to fight but the paladin could never look at spoons the same again.

EPIC!

Behold..... the Spoon of Justice! One of three relics sacred to the Holy Paladin order of Divine Cutlery, along with Fork of Truth and Knife of Honour.

Me: I'll need a block of sugar, a small file, a thin sheet of lead and a freindly ant.
DM: What?

I can see where this is going. No, wait... I can't . Awesome .

[Nachtritter]

Well, since this thread hasn't died yet, I may as well tell you the story of Gorm the Crossbow-Killer.

Gorm was a dwarven rogue I played in 3.5e a few years back, the only even mildly stealthy character in the group (which consisted of some sort of CG Paladin, a raging one-eyed monk, and some sort of cleric that was totally forgettable). He also had the worst damned luck in the world, especially when it came to his weapon of choice, the crossbow. Whenever he'd use one for a sneak attack (or for any other attack, mind you), I'd roll a 1. I even kept a little tally mark of how many crossbows he'd lost - it numbered around 5 or 6 by the time the campaign ended.

My favorite crossbow loss of all was when I was trying to snipe some evil noble hell-bent on replacing the royal guard with assassins or something. I hid in the shadows with my flaming crossbow, lined up the shot... and rolled a 1. The GM ruled that the resulting explosion dealt 2d8 damage (not a bad roll) and was easily seen by the noble and his attending guards - who instantly saw a very put-upon dwarf with a fire-blackened face and beard cradling a charred piece of wood with a crossbow bolt miraculously unharmed balanced on top of it.

Yeah. Good times. :D

[Meirnon]

Well, since this thread hasn't died yet, I may as well tell you the story of Gorm the Crossbow-Killer.

Gorm was a dwarven rogue I played in 3.5e a few years back, the only even mildly stealthy character in the group (which consisted of some sort of CG Paladin, a raging one-eyed monk, and some sort of cleric that was totally forgettable). He also had the worst damned luck in the world, especially when it came to his weapon of choice, the crossbow. Whenever he'd use one for a sneak attack (or for any other attack, mind you), I'd roll a 1. I even kept a little tally mark of how many crossbows he'd lost - it numbered around 5 or 6 by the time the campaign ended.

My favorite crossbow loss of all was when I was trying to snipe some evil noble hell-bent on replacing the royal guard with assassins or something. I hid in the shadows with my flaming crossbow, lined up the shot... and rolled a 1. The GM ruled that the resulting explosion dealt 2d8 damage (not a bad roll) and was easily seen by the noble and his attending guards - who instantly saw a very put-upon dwarf with a fire-blackened face and beard cradling a charred piece of wood with a crossbow bolt miraculously unharmed balanced on top of it.

Yeah. Good times. :D

No, this thread will never die.

And I assume he used crossbows because... he thought they were cool, and thought he could use them even though he couldn't? Kinda like how a grandpa thinks he understands computers but ends up deleting his recycling bin somehow?

[Nachtritter]

No, this thread will never die.

And I assume he used crossbows because... he thought they were cool, and thought he could use them even though he couldn't? Kinda like how a grandpa thinks he understands computers but ends up deleting his recycling bin somehow?

That, and sheer dwarven stubbornness. He was convinced that this time, this crossbow was going to work!

Then, explosions.

[MeatShield#236]

Alright, so one day one of our group members had forgotton his character sheet. No problem: the DM had several characters in his binder. The thing is, he only had a level 4 ranger. The party was level 11. So our DM gave him automatic ressurections every time he died. Our group, being oppertunistic sort, decided to capitalize on this and make a profit out of it. Soon, we were traveling the land, charging adventurers 1000 gold to kill him for xp.

It was a very profitable buisiness...

[Nachtritter]

Alright, so one day one of our group members had forgotton his character sheet. No problem: the DM had several characters in his binder. The thing is, he only had a level 4 ranger. The party was level 11. So our DM gave him automatic ressurections every time he died. Our group, being oppertunistic sort, decided to capitalize on this and make a profit out of it. Soon, we were traveling the land, charging adventurers 1000 gold to kill him for xp.

It was a very profitable buisiness...

... That would be the grimmest/most awesome carnival game EVER

"Step right up! 1000 gold tah kill dah ranger! Cut off his head, get the teddy bear!"

[zyborg]

Reminds me of that episode of Tales From the Crypt... 'Dig that cat, he's far gone' or something.

[Maxios]

Just played D&D last night.

Characters
Maxios: A human fighter, the leader of the party
Bax: Another human fighter, who's the main source for comic relief
Croix: A greedy human wizard
Cadderly: A human cleric
Entereri: A human rouge
(Cadderly and Entereri were named after Drrizt characters)

The barkeep told us that two giant spiders were terrorizing passerby in a forest close to the keep we were in.
We find the spiders, and take them down pretty easy. Maxios takes the spider heads with them so that way he has proof.
We get back to the tavern, and tell the barkeep we killed the spiders. He congratulates us. Bax says they also tooks the spider heads, and lifts them up to show to the barkeep.
The barkeep passes out (he has arachnophobia) and the party tries to wake him up. Not the WHOLE party though. Bax decides it'd be a good idea to mount the spider heads on the wall, and promptly does so.
Eventually, the barkeep wakes up, and asks what they did with the spiderheads. Bax shows him he mounted them, and the barkeep passes out again.
Maxios tells Bax to take the spider heads off the wall which he does. Bax then throws them out the window, right next to a group of kids playing a game. The kids run off screaming in terror, and the barkeep thanks us for getting rid of the spider heads.

[Kaulesh]

story

Your rogue can call himself a rogue? There was a passed out barkeep and he didn't steal anything.

[Kaww]

My thought exactly...

[fireinakasha]

I want to contribute!

So, in one of my earliest campaigns, I was playing a basic human rogue. The party was at level three, doing some mercing/adventuring aboard a privateering vessel. We were going to do some sort of epic (for third level) dungeon that night, but half the players in the game didn't show up, and the DM had had to work a double shift earlier that day and wasn't feeling prepared to run the dungeon.

So instead, he set up a short one-night arena skirmish. Idea is, king in the city where we are docked wants to reward the greatest warriors in the land with some juicy magic items (and by juicy, I mean way out of the range of level-appropriate treasure). So we all join up.

But unfortunately, the DM didn't really want to actually give us all that level-inappropriate treasure, so he had a few NPCs from the ship - namely the captain and the first mate - also join the bracket.

Of course, since the DM was tired and not thinking clearly, he wound up accidentally getting the captain disqualified using his own arena match rules. But there was still the first mate to consider; a level 13 ex-monk, getting ready to go Drunken Master.

My rogue defeats her first match no problem, but then in her second match she's set to go up against the Drunken Master. Now, this is a well-played rogue, which means she's not about to lose out on that level-inappropriate loot. So she makes a real quick Gather Info to find a Master Alchemist, and spends every last copper she has on a potion of Improved Invisibility and a repeating light crossbow.

Arena match is set to start, so she just stands in the waiting area staring at the scoreboard with the potion in her hand, action readied to chug as soon as she's teleported in. The picture here is the party's cleric trying to be chummy with her, and she just stares at the board and hisses "CAN'T....TALK..."

Match starts, improved invis goes off, and now I have a few rounds in which to sneak attack, before this monk owns me. Now, fortunately, the first mate is trying to qualify for Drunken Master, which means he's drunk off his rocker and taking huge penalties to spot and listen. The DM didn't think to alter this circumstance because, hey, level 13 versus a level 3, what could go wrong?

So I spend the duration of the improved invis sniping the poor drunk lout, and he can't ever work out where I am. He survives of course, because I only have 2d6 sneak attack and he has like 4235346 HP, but I'm beating him down pretty badly. Still, he stays standing until the improved invis wears off, and then all of a sudden I'm just standing in the open in front of this extremely angry drunk powerhouse. I figure I've lost.

The monk charges me, and in one hit drops me to 1 HP. I freak out, 5-foot step, shoot him. I roll a natural 20, confirm the crit, and roll maximum damage. The monk is at 0 HP. But not down! Everyone in the room is roaring, so the DM doesn't need to say "the crowd is going wild!"

The monk steps forward, swings at me....and rolls a one. He collapses, and I survive at 1 HP versus a level 13 encounter.

The aftermath: with no more high level characters in the arena, the party cleans up and grabs all the prizes. My rogue comes in 2nd and gets a Sunblade and more than enough GP to make up for the potion. Then the DM takes me aside and informs me that if he were to give me the XP for a one-on-one level 3 vs. level 13 encounter, my rogue would have to become an NPC until the party caught up in a lot of levels. The solution? The light crossbow became a legacy weapon on the spot, and I could progress it and choose all it's special abilities, all feat and GP/XP requirements waived.

Best night ever.

[Betropper]

Although this pales in comparison to the last post, here is my story:

So here was my party (level five four or three I can't remember) trying to find this "Ghostblade" and return it to some elves. We walk into the dungeon and immidietly get a bhargast fight.

The bhargast gets iniciative and attacks the party cleric. He rolls a natural 20 and confirms it. The cleric falls to -1 HP and is dying. Our party, terrible at heal, leaves him and attacks.

I, the fighter in the party, get iniciative last. The monk runs up and furry of blows him. He misses all but one, which did minor damage. Caster forgot to cast buffs and started them now. I attacked the bhargast.

I get a 1. The rule we have is something bad happens that the DM decides if you roll that. So, my sword flew in a random direction, which happened to be where the monk was. Criticaled and at -5 HP.

The caster, being chaotic neutreal, runs away from the fight. The bhargast shifts to wolf form and claws me. 20 damage. Halfway dead, I run to get my sword from my monk friend.

Bhargast's turn. He attacks again, but misses. I attack, and get a critical. Not just any critical, but a double one. (house rule) Bhargast is hurt bad. He blinks and tries to run away. He gets stuck in a wall and is ejected.

I run up to him and double critical AGAIN. End of mr. Bhargast. The cleric died but we got the monk back up.

Was an awesome day for me. Have another story that I just remembered that I will post later.

[nihilism]

1 piece of advice,

never attempt to make money by killing some random farm boy in a small town where everyone knows everyone. never works out.

i once had the pleasure of dming a bizarre plot of the dwarfs to befoul the dungeons water supply by doing his business in the constantly refreshing water barrel. there was a mephit in it, it had claws.

[Maxios]

Your rogue can call himself a rogue? There was a passed out barkeep and he didn't steal anything.

Since D&D Essentials doesn't have an assasin class, rouge was the closest thing to it.

[Dr Gunsforhands]

Have you ever watched Animaniacs? Have you ever seen any of the "Chicken Boo" episodes?

We had been playing a campaign for quite some time, allowing us to become high level. During the course of our game, our druid Onar took the Leadership feat after earning the respect of his peers in the Gatekeeper sect. He awakened his animal companion and took him as a cohort. We were somewhat perplexed by Onar's decision to have the bear take all his PC levels in rogue, especially by the amount of money that Onar spent buying his cohort magic items that boosted the disguise skill.

During a timeskip, Meatfists the awakened bear rogue had resurfaced as Mr. Bearington, a gentleman of high society wearing specially tailored bear sized suits and a monocle. A dandy of few words, he was a respected patron of the arts, medicine, and a known connoisseur of gourmet cooking. His attendance at upper crust functions was expected and though his thick accent often obscured his meaning, it only added to his mysterious allure.

Occasionally though, there would come one of those rare moments when Mr. Bearington's disguise was prepared below his normal impossible level and a random party guest just happened to have a rare moment of impossible insight.

"Oh, my god! That's a bear! That's a giant bear!" Silence would roll through the ballroom. "Don't any of you see it!? That is a giant bear in a suit!"

The mayor swiftly steps forward: "Mr. Bearington is a pillar of our community and he will not suffer the slander and mudslinging of a nincompoop! Methinks, if you cannot handle your wine you should not partake! Guards, remove this man from the grounds!"

"Why won't any of you listen! He's a bear! He's a beeeeaaaar!" He would yell as he was dragged kicking and screaming from the premises.

"I'm terribly sorry about that Mr. Bearington."

"Rar. Rararar."

"I assure you I do not tolerate that sort of behavior."

"Rar! Rarar."

"Why don't we retire to the dinner table? I've had the chef prepare an extra rare steak, just the way you like it. Let us dine, we can forget all this unpleasantness, and get down to words on the new opera house."

"Rawr!"

[SlyGuyMcFly]

During a timeskip, Meatfists the awakened bear rogue had resurfaced as Mr. Bearington, a gentleman of high society wearing specially tailored bear sized suits and a monocle. A dandy of few words, he was a respected patron of the arts, medicine, and a known connoisseur of gourmet cooking. His attendance at upper crust functions was expected and though his thick accent often obscured his meaning, it only added to his mysterious allure.

[snip]

*dies laughing*

[CodeRed]

My friend, Charlie, was playing a Setting Sun Ninja/Swordsage in a campaign two years ago and was the best merchant ever. His character was named Soapy and for some reason had a 20 Cha so he was always using Diplomacy and Bluff to sell people useless crap at exorbitant sums.

He was like the used car salesman of D&D. Well Soapy would sell anything, and I mean anything. We defeated two bearded devils that were summoned to kill my character so Soapy scooped up their blood and assorted leftover gunk and put it in a vial. Several sessions later, when we were captured by the orc invasion we were out to stop, he managed to convince the orc jailer that the vial with the devil gunk was an "energy drink". Needless to say, as a result of poisoning/vomiting, we were able to escape from the orc encampment.

[hayabusa]

Last night at D&D Encounters, a new sport was born: Halfling baseball. One of the traps in the encounter was a large statue of a dwarf, partially magically and mechanically animated to swing a large flail around. I had taken a few hits during the combat from the completely animated constructs, but nothing all that serious.

Then the time comes to disable the statue. The wizard begins to use Arcana to disrupt the magic of the statue while I sneak around behind it and try to mess with the mechanical portion of it. We get 2/3 of the way done before its the statue's turn to act. The majority of us are around it, so it's my lucky day when the DM rolls to hit me. I had already used up my "Second Chance" power earlier in the encounter (which I had the luck of the DM actually rolling higher...) so I was out of luck when the attack hit.

My rogue was sent flying in the air thanks to 3 squares of forced movement and hit the spikes on the wall. DM rolls total damage and I'm down to... 1 hp. I was laughing about how lucky I was.

[Kaulesh]

As long as we're talking about near misses, I've got a story from my Tuesday night Shadowrun game.

We're on an island. Our mage has taken quite a bit of damage from some rough rapids we just passed through to get here. I'm also hurting slightly. Our troll isn't even bruised.

Long story short, the mage rolls a few critical glitches on casting rolls and eats some damage. He then tries to summon a water spirit to put out his burning team members, which he also crit glitches. His shiny new water spirit grapples and tries to drown him.

While that fiasco was going on, I was busy trading bullets for firebolts with the mage that summoned the fire spirit that was setting the troll and I on fire. I blast part of her face off with my Predator but she's still up. I eat her final firebolt to the face and get knocked out. I stabilize. She glitches her drain roll and also passes out with a pair of bleeding eyes.

Our troll and an enemy troll trade shots at each other for a while until the enemy's gun jams a few too many times. The enemy rushes our guy and plants his axe in my friend's torso. Friend passes out and stabilizes.

Lookee here, injured noncombatant mage vs. heavily armed troll. Who wins? The troll rushes our mage, who miraculously manages to not kill himself during the casting of a few stunbolts and some other spell. The troll, in blind anger, thrashes about with his axe and loses it, slipping out of his hands and embedding itself in a tree. It tries to pummel our mage to death and does so. Mage burns his one and only point of edge to not die and is left 1p from unconsciousness with a troll lying on top of him. He does the only thing he can think of - death touch. He miraculously manages to beat the drain roll. We all leave happily ever after with some new loot and a sizable wad of cash.