Funny D&D Stories

[Wolfpacker]

This must have been a couple of months ago, during my Shadowrun campaign (which tag-teams with our D&D one on a monthly basis). The team is as follows:

Blade - Oni Street Mage
Shuffle - Troll Decker
Scat - Elf Face

They were on their way out of a bad end of town when they got on the bad side of some dangerous-looking gangers. With their ride several hundred meters away, the group had little choice but to fight them. An initiative pass is rolled, and the gangers go first. One ganger with a baseball bat attempts to break it on Shuffle's head--but that doesn't go over so well, him being a Troll. Up next is Blade.

Now, Blade may have been a Street Mage, but he wasn't exactly a pansy. He was fairly tough, and he had a katana and shotgun to call his own. So, in his first round of combat, his shotgun already prepared (and the choke set to just the right spread) opens fire, and blows away two in one shot, their armoured vests doing basically nothing at all. I was already impressed, but then he still had another action--he drops his shotgun, and draws/swings his katana in one smooth motion, beheading the last one. But here's the kicker: due to how Shadowrun's combat turns are timed, this all happened in THREE SECONDS!

Cue lots of karma points for the sheer coolness factor, and Shuffle and Scat standing there bewildered, remembering not to get on Blade's bad side.

[Idless]

I am going to share a Paranoia and a Star Wars story... Star Wars first - the other is the crowning moment of Paranoia awsome in my gaming career...

The Star Wars party is arguing how to get into a huge office building, that houses a secret government project! Dramatis Personae:

Kooth: Bounty Hunter, huge ego, gunslinger
Trent: Pilot, huger ego, gunslinger
Tal-Sair: young Diplomatic jedi, with much fear in him

Kooth: So we have 3 plans, if we actually count the one digging into the place
Tal-Sair: At least it's better than the usual were go in, guns blazing then improvise
Trent: hey, its going to come down to that anyways, so why not make it plan A
Kooth: Okay, lets not be stupid
Trent: why make such a radical change now Kooth...?

At the end it is decided that one is going to get access by dressing up as a repair man, while the others try to dock a landspeeder on one of the top floors.

They "acquire" a repair man uniform, while the repair man acquires a bump on the head.

All standing by the speeder, they dress Trent, the egocentric pilot in the uniform.

Kooth: Okay, get in there now!
<Trent leaves, tool box in hand>
<Tal-Sair looks expectantly at Kooth>
Tal-Sair: Okay, lets take it to the sky!
Kooth: uh, yeah... you know how to fly this thing?

[Idless]

This one goes out to Paranoia

The team has ended in a mid-corridor quarrel, as it oft times is.

The team, is all red except for the team leader, who brilliantly roleplayed himself into a Yellow clearance to have some leverage against his team mates.

Citizen1: Accusing me of treason without grounds is treason <Points a laser gun at Citizen2>
Citizen2: <pulls out his own gun> I just say you seemed a bit jumpy and I said that you might be a member of a Secret Society
Citizen3: <Draws his laser pistol and points at Citizen2> Say, what do you know about Secret Societies... Citizen?
Citizen4: <evens the odds by poiting at Citizen1>
Citizen5: <undecided who to point his gun at, draws it, just for good measure>
Team Leader: ENOUGH! All of you, holster your pistols, NOW!
<team wearingly complies, slowly holstering guns>
Team Leader: There be a new decree in this group, by my power as a Yellow Clearance Citizen: Everytime you are about to unholster your gun, you must draw it, point it in the air over your heads and yell "I draw a pistol" - failure to comply is treason!
Citizen2: That's a stupid rule!
Team Leader: <Draws gun and points it at Citizen2> Think so? Thats trea...
Everyone else in unison: I DRAW A PISTOL <Pistols comes down from over their heads, leveling with the Team Leader>
ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP

Scratch one, Team Leader

Not even the team leader could help laugh at how he set him self up for that one! Brilliant!

...Troels

[MistressBaerne]

The players:
Serene, a half-fiend gray elf wizard. Originally titled 'Fun With Metamagic', she regularly casts Scorching Ray as an 8th-level spell.
James, a human fighter with a penchant for knives. Seriously, the man carriers six of them with various enchantments.
Charlie 'Charleston' Charles, a human whatever-that-dancer-prestige-class-is named for his habit of doing the Charleston all the time.
'Curious' George; an Awakened monkey druid. Because why not?

The situation: So there we were, mere moments from death, trapped in a magical labyrinth with minotaur barbarians all around. Low on spells, low on HP, the situation is hopeless for our intrepid adventurers...

Or at least, that's what you'd think. My memory's a bit fuzzy, but it went something like this:
James: Ah, ****, man! We're ****ed! End of the line!
Serene: Shut up and stab something. One last time, for me?

So James throws his flaming dagger at a Minotaur. Naturally, he rolls a 1, it bounces off the minotaur's horn and flies out of the labyrinth. Which is odd; because we thought it was warded against anything leaving the labyrinth, not just people, but we ignore it, intent on causing as much damage as possible.

Charlie: I do the Charleston! Look, minotaurs, a distraction!

The minotaurs are momentarily distracted, and DM passes a note to Curious George.
George: Guys, I smell bananas.
Serene: Twin Split Empowered Scorching Ray! Why do you smell bananas?
George: Dunno, I just smell bananas.
Charlie: But that's... Oh. Serene, cast detect magic.

Serene does.

Serene: Oh. Well, that's a surprise.

It turned out the spells preventing people from leaving the labyrinth had worn off in the third round of our imprisonment, after we'd already checked, and James's dagger had flown clear out of the maze and speared a banana tree. Charlie continued to do the Charleston while we all climbed, flew, or otherwise exited the maze, then joined us all for a celebratory banana liquer at the nearest tavern.

Yeah, I play with weird people.

[WeLoveFireballs]

We were playing through a module, and had returned some item that proved that some member of a village of elves was dead. So they were having a funeral, and the DM asked if anyone would like to say or do anything.

None of our characters were particularly good at diplomacy or perform, so we didn't really have anything to say. Then someone suggests "well, Tumble can be used to do a performance. I could do that."

Another player just shook his head and looked him in the eye and said "You don't tumble at someone's funeral."

You think that was bad one time one of our players juggled everburning torches to a jaunty tune at a funeral. Fortunately I had spectral hand, invisibility, silence and +10 perform (oratory) all set to go!

I would guess this was red hand of doom since you can acctually make it more likely that the elves will help you with stuff like this.

[Kaulesh]

My GM found out what kind of group he has last night.

Long story with many funnies:

Spoiler

Show

Shadowrun 4e. It was a simple smash-and-grab. We smashed, alright.

Our job was to break into a research facility and get someone out. The guy wanted to leave, but the facility did not. We had to make it look as if he died. Off to Crazy Hassan, our arms dealer (and apparently used camel salesman).

Hassan offers us ten grenades for 200ny each and two more for 500ny each when one of us asks for a few more. He says he'll throw in an ATV with every grenade purchased. The ATVs really are all terrain vehicles - they can climb up walls, trek through mud, traverse ice, anything you throw at them. Awesome, 12 ATVs. Our resident magical hobo wants a blue and white one.

We go to pick up the grenades and find a crowd of men behind Hassan holding the reigns to twelve camels, some of which are wearing coats (which we are told are the Russian camels), one with suction cups on its feet, one wearing a life preserver, etc. Our magical hobo mounts one and heads off to meet his dealer for a fix. I ask if he wants me to buy him some blue and white paint while he's gone. A small amount of animal cruelty after Hassan leaves and we leave as well, more than half of the camels dead and the remainder trying to eke out a living in the midst of Seattle.

Back to the smash and grab. We slaughter everything. Our troll smashes skulls with his sap and decapitates people with his combat axe. Don't forget that roughly half the people we encountered are civilians.

Our pacifist mage stays in my van, only exploring in the astral. This works out pretty well until he gets knocked out by the big bad mentioned later. He manages to get back to his body in my van and begins tossing his cookies. In my seat.

We're gleefully skipping to hell in a handbasket, so I decide to do something to slow the trek. I was going to merely modify the video feeds on all of the cameras and disable the sentry guns when we started the mission. That's too little too late, so I just crash the node the building is running on. The building goes dark, but we're not going to get ripped to shreds by the sentries.

On the map of the building that I found while hacking in, the big center area is labeled "Kitchen" with quotation marks around it. That's where the researchers cook up their stuff. That's where the guy is. It's got two large steel doors blocking entrance, so I drop a grenade and get out of there. The GM didn't exactly know how to react as he thought I meant that I was going to toss a grenade into one of the occupied cubicles I passed just to up my kill count. He was somewhat relieved when I explained what I actually wanted to do.

Door still stands, so our troll hits it with his axe and gives it a hefty kick. It falls in. He's shortly thereafter stuck under some kind of blob of fungus that I suppose is an experiment gone wrong. Long story short, this is the boss. At the beginning of the session, the GM said this would be a very tough run if we mess with it.

You know what? Screw that. Troll shoves a grenade inside the amorphous blob. Grenade explodes and is somewhat shielded from the troll by the thing on him. Troll soaks the reduced damage, our covert ops guy evades the blast by ducking into a room, and the decker manages to soak his damage as well. Covert ops guy fires on the blob, which critically glitches its dodge roll. GM rules that it takes double damage. It expires, coating our troll in green goo.

The mission isn't over, so we carry the mark to my van, the troll sets the door upright, and I drag out the other two unconscious scientists before tossing in two grenades to cover our tracks. It's somewhat worse than I imagined. The building has taken too much over the past two minutes and begins to collapse. Those scientists I tried to save? Dead. We get out and get our cash, blaming the vomit stains on our unconscious mark. He somewhat unhappily cleans up "his" mess.

The aftermath: the incident is labeled a terrorist bombing by one of the elven nations. A troll by the name of Al something-or-other may be linked to this and the terrorist attack on Council Island (also us, a previous session). Our troll's face appears on the screen.

One of the players cracks up at this, finding it hilarious. This player flipped open his Quran a month or so ago to find a name for Al when Al was nameless. Al has a Muslim-sounding name and is now believed to be a terrorist. The humor was not lost on us.

tl;dr:
Crazy Hassan gives us twelve camels prepped for crossing any terrain. Animal cruelty ensues.

The BBE Thing dies in one round to our antics and massive damage.

We pull our unique form of stealth (now labeled "troll stealth" by the GM as the troll is the one who starts the majority of our merriment and we have no choice but to follow) by killing everything in sight and exploderating the building.

My van gets messed up. Again. Seriously, do I have to Scotchgard the interior and get a frequent buyer card with the windshield salesman?


Our GM draws a parallel between this and what we did when he was Keeper for our Call of Cthulu game. This run and that game ended with us exploderating the building.

[Doughnut Master]

Skaar: Half-Orc Monk
Nianna: Elf Druid

Skaar is being attacked by a hyena. Nianna hops down from a tree,

Nianna: Don't hurt it, I'm going to try handle animal to calm it down.

...Natural 1. Hyena bites her hand. Skaar's turn. Natural 20, critical hit. Axe kicks the hyena's head off. Skaar turns to Nianna,

Skaar: That's how I handle animals.

[DisgruntledDM]

Posted this in another topic, but, I once made an insane ranger elf named "War Tony" who walked into an item shop, started grabbing everything off the shelves, and asked the owner "Do you have anything that cures kleptomania?"

In the last campaign, the players were looking for a thief who'd stolen some ancient book, and were told of his location by an informant, who also tipped off the thief. one of my players, a half-orc monk, went looking for him, and found him hiding in a barrel. Then, using a pulley system, basically tore him in half. In the campaign's conclusion, Each character had to fight a figure from their past. The monk found himself in an alley, with a barrel in front of him. The informant popped out as he got closer, with a big scar running down his entire body.

In my current game, a variant low-magic pathfinder campaign, the party consists of a half-orc fighter, elven rogue, halfling sniper (rogue variant from Adv. Player's Guide) and a human Shielded Warrior (fighter variant). They were in the city sewers, searching for a missing girl. It was raining, so I was having them make acrobatics checks every few rounds to avoid slipping from the walkways into the nasty sludge below (that has mutant crocs in it). Well, the half-orc fails, so I have other party members make reflex saves to try an catch him. They succeed, and the h-orc's player hands me a note that basically reads "While I'm in the sewer water, I go ahead and crap on myself." Hilarity ensued.

Anyway, here are some quotes from that particular campaign:

"I'm havin' SEX!" -Half-orc
"I get a free room!" -Elf, in response to half elf fighter.

"Where's my goat?" -Half-orc on waking up from drunken stupor

[cheese monster]

Ok so the party was
A human fighter
A gnome monk
A necromancer
And a cleric

We had just got out of prison the cleric and the necromancer had anti-magic collars the monks hands where tied up and I the human fighter had no weapons.

The necromancer had a supernatural thing that let him use create dead once per day and it wasn't magic so he created a zombie then he made a lot of noise and got the guy with the keys to come so the zombie killed him and gave him to the necromancer who unlocked us.

Then we had to kill the BBEG but we did not have anything to fight with so then the BBEG jumped at us and started attacking we so we started trying to kill him.

It wasn't going so well then monk had an idea to kick the guy in the nuts so he tried and got a 19 it worked it was so cool! then the DM said that the BBEG was stunned so then he dropped his axe and shield so I grabbed the axe and the cleric got the shield then we started beating him with his own weapons it was so funny

[koscum]

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...3&postcount=19
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...0&postcount=21

[grimbold]

once the wizard decided to enchant a cow to follow us around, all the time.
We called it "Harvey the Wonder Hamster"
unfortunately Harvey died checking for traps in Tomb of Horrors

[Meirnon]

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...3&postcount=19
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...0&postcount=21

I should stop reading during class... "lol" worthy things like this make people think I'm a maniac or something when I just start laughing while they work. >___>

[Kaulesh]

"I throw a grenade at it" has morphed to sit alongside "magical hobo" and "troll stealth" in my Shadowrun game as the little in-jokes that every group acquires as they play.

It all started last session where I picked up twelve frag grenades. Ever since, we've taken to lobbing grenades at problems to make them go away. To give a bit of perspective, my decker is in most of our firefights. He's mostly hacking enemies, but he does get some shots in. Over our total of eight or so sessions, I have fired ten times. Most of those were in semiauto, so it's more like six. Over the past two sessions, I have lobbed four grenades. I feel that very soon, my grenades thrown will surpass my shots fired.

[toastyghost]

This story isn't THAT funny, I guess you had to be there. It was a 4e game with the PCs being a Dwarvern Cleric (Me) a Half-Orc Barbarian and an Elf Ranger.
Start of a new campaign about an evil meteor or something.
You come across The King's Wall separating the area from the outside world.
Is there a gate?
There is a heavily defended gate, and stairs up in to a tower.
OK then. I climb the wall.
What?
I have climber's tools and a grappling hook. I CLIMB THE WALL.
<I climb wall, druid shifts in to ratform and climbs a pipe, throw tools down and rest of party climb up too>
We jump down from the wall.
OK.
<all of party make rolls, succeed aside from me>
Everyone jumps down and lands safely, aside from <dwarf's name>.He falls flat on his face in a pile of cow pat.
<laughing and 10 minute discussion of how such a scene would look, and what the locals would think seeing a dwarf in heavy armor jump down for a wall, fall over, and land in a pile of turd>
By the way, in your adventures we usually would have had an encounter by now. Where is it?
There were meant to be two. One at the gate or one in the tower, depending on where you went.
Ohhhhhhh....
Guess you just didn't count one important factor: Me buying as much equipment I can carry, "Just in case we need it".

[GideonRiddle]

One story I have is from Saga ed.

Takes place a week after Order 66.
The party has been split seeing as the bounty hunter captured the Jedi.
I was asked to join so as to have a capable Jedi, ignoring the fact that I have never played before.

The Players:
Juan Moore Thyme (human jedi): captured by party BH
Baron Ordo ("human" soldier/Bounty Hunter): played by experienced player
Darak Thom (human jedi): me

We both wake up in the same room during the deal to sell us. Some representative angers another causing guns to be drawn and me to be accidentally freed. The fight itself was normal for us. But after we needed to find our way to a ship. The first ship we find is Ordo's ship and he is still loading it up.


What was supposed to happen.

We scare him off and fly away.


What ACTUALLY happened.

Juan slowly approached him while threatening. And Ordo just stood there holding out his arm. This confused Juan so he kept going. 6 squares away and Ordo uses the concealed flamethrower on his arm followed by a grenade. Dropping Juan to 2hp.
He then runs for the back of the ship while I jump over and land in the pilot's seat using Force Surge.

After closing the sliding shield to protect me from the BH. The BH then jumps on top and gets ready to use MY OWN LIGHTSABER against me.

Juan then uses the Force to throw a droid at him blindly, in an attempt to buy me time to get us out. I open the rear hatch so he can get in, and he does, even though it has a stasis pod in the back to hold prisoners that I didn't know about but he did (seeing as that was how he was captured the last time).

The BH convinced me with my saber and the locked navcomputer to leave the ship. At the same time the Imperial troops, that were coming for Juan and I, arrived just in time to applaud the BH on his capture.

This is when the General takes my lightsaber and hooks it to his belt, which allows me to use the force to take it without a fight.

The GM, amazed at my audacity, says that my Force Surge power recharged at that exact moment. I use said power to jump to the passing tram that went around the city, causing three things to occur at once:

1. The BH lost his fee for the first time ever.
2. The General and his men were held responsible for my escape and were promptly killed by Vader.
3. Juan was trapped in the BH's ship for the 2nd time and sold to the Empire for the 2nd time.


This gets brought up almost every time we play even though other more interesting things have happened.

[Karoht]

Using the ruins of a half built castle, I had a group of .5 CR Goblins hold out against a 4 person party of LVL 6-8 players. They were armed with 1D4 hammers, and chisles. When in doubt, collapse a wall. It works surprisingly well. And Caltrops on a spiral staircase on an oil covered surface are just perfect for keeping almost anyone out of a tower.

The party nearly wiped several times, the sorcerer and cleric were both completely out of spells by the end of the siege. The party was ready to murder me. There's just one goblin left. And he's sitting in the tower with nothing more than a wand of magic missile, and a just barely high enough UMD skill. And the party is fleeing in terror as not one of them had more than 10 hit points as this goblin is yelling 'get off mah lawn.'
Thats right. Badass party ran for their lives from 1 .5 CR Goblin.

And to think. They sold the 4 MC crossbows they found in perfect working condition just the day prior. Man were they mad.

[Karoht]

my friend used to purposly use weopons that requiered a D8 because he was the damn D8 master

I swear on my purple D20 this guy has never rolled less then a 6 during gameplay sure goofing around he would get 2's and stuff but EVERY attack roll was between a 6-8 for a while we thought he was using a loaded dice untill i tried to use it (I suck btw) and couldn't roll more then a 3

he has abandoned d10 wepons in favour of d8 weopons because he can do more damage with them it's hilarious to play with him

Similar tale.
So we had a campaign where we started as slaves on a ship. Yeup, level 1 (race) commoners. Well, we're all chained to our place where we row the oars. When the jailbreak occurs, he pulled against the chain and ripped it out of the wall (only one bolt in a soft and kinda molding part of the wood). It's about a 3 foot piece of chain, now dangling from his right arm. So he beat a guard with it, tossed us some weapons and keys and we all managed to get free.

Well, some months later, he still hasn't removed the shackle on his wrist, so he always has this piece of chain with him. And from time to time, he'd treat it as an emergency weapon.

Well one day, we're fighting this magic immune fighter. He's the only party member left in fighting condition, and we hadn't even damaged this guy yet. He lost his weapon, a spear. And so he busts out the chain. And proceeds to roll nat 20's and nothing lower than 5 on D6 for the next several rounds, and curb stomps this boss. It was legendary.

We ended up playing the campaign to about lvl 15-20. He still has the chain. And any time he's losing, he busts out the chain, and the dice gods love him. Every. Freaking. Time. The chain became legendary in the game world, everyone identified him by it. Bandits tried to steal the chain, assassins and theives were contracted to acquire the chain. Everyone and their dog assumed that this chain on his arm was some kind of legendary artifact.

For the record, no, he never enchanted the chain or did anything with it. This was also in 2nd Edition, so no chain-fu like in 3rd.

[Vknight]

Sadly my D&D campaign will not be given further detail after what happened in session 4 which is well. Will leave it at that we are going to play Star Wars for safety for are sanity.

But besides that I am in a different 4.e group that met the first time today to begin are mighty adventure. We are a 3man party.
A Human Fighter
A Githzerai Shaman
& a Elven Seeker (me)

The Dm had made are encounters for a 5man party but thanks to good die rolls in both we got Surprise rounds that saved us from complete death.

The first encounter was in a court yard where upon noticing the Kobolds. The funny bit is that there were 2Fire Beetles one used its Blast power to target the fighter standing next to him was a Kobold he missed the fighter & got a crit on the Kobold who has 1hp left. The Githzerai then asked if the fighter was going to eat that

After the battle & interrogating the one living Kobold the party told the Seeker & not the Healer to fix him. I asked the Dm if I failed the check would the Kobold die. He said without immediate attention the holes in his wrists & ankles from where we nailed him up would be fatal. My next question if I fail the check really badly will he instantly die? Dm thinks about it then asks how will I heal him. My response 'Encasing Spirits' Lightning & Thunder damage to restart his system & cauterize the wounds. The Dm says if I fail the DC by 7or more he will take my Wis mod of damage enough to kill him. My roll nat1 the next minute is him describing the horror they hear from inside as they hear the Kobold scream in pain as his chest explodes outwards. They charge in to see my character standing there. The Fighters player is pissed & took it out on me when it was his fault because the Shaman would not come in until we finished the torture & now the Fighter hates my Seeker.

Later after searching the fort we enter the basement, the fighter is dressed as a Tiamat cultist. Are plan, take a dead Dwarf cover him in Ale & roll him down the staircase with the Fighter chasing after screaming get back here. We then spend the next 8minutes with the Fighter pretending to be a Tiamat worshiper himself & it works until he says the boss told him to come down, my response I shot an arrow into the Kobold minions at the Stairs base there is about 7of them I kill 4. But the real funny bit is right after the Fighter rolls a bluff saying the Cultist tried to kill him get him he goes against the word of Tiamat & it works. Yeah he convinces the last 3kobolds to fight for us.

After killing the cultists we then leave & encounter a Elf Druid [NPC] with a Badger that I instantly name Trogdor. He says we are under arrest for working with Tiamat cultists & are taken to jail. I then get the honor of describing the jail cells because my Elf is from this village.
The cells in my Elf's village are covered in feathers that tickle people & have 3luxury 4poster beds. Best part is Dm excepts this but sadly the session ends there because the Fighters player finally snaps & goes ballistic about that.

[DontEatRawHagis]

We had just looted a dwarven thief's tomb of all of its treasure, we communicate to our employer that we got it. He messages back that he will meet us in the entry chamber of the tomb.

Immediately I turn to the DM, I roll insight, I don't trust this man any more. Everyone else rolls and fails, but I crit. I don't understand why DM's do this, but he walked me over and told me that it doesn't seem right for him to ask us to stay inside the tomb, if they wanted the treasure to be delivered in secret we could have done it in secret. So naturally I tell everyone that I don't trust him and to be on guard.

He comes with about 3 armed guards. We tell him we found some magic items and 600 gold. He tries to get us to hand it all over, I say lets do this some place a bit more public. Just then three lizards and a snake swarm pop through the door and the now exposed BBEG runs out, not before getting hit by a cold blast of dragon breath from our Dragonborn Warden.

I talked to him afterward and we were supposed to have given him at least half the gold and two magic items, and he was supposed to get out unharmed. Now I get to buy myself some new Monk implements.

[grimbold]

(i matt am a full orc barbarian)
a dragon comes out and says 'leave me alone!'

i send the dm a note

the dms face goes into a state of shock

"matt tries to seduce the dragon"

[holywhippet]

As soon as their done riddling the necromancer with arrows, they turn to the Hulking Zombie. He does a Zombie rush and turns an elf ranger into a bloody pile of hurt(has literally one health left). Then the fighter steps in to defend and rolls a natural 20. The zombie has full health, but that doesn't matter he falls into his own pile of decomposing flesh.

Hulking Zombies always die on criticals.

I assume you mean zombie hulk? I don't get what you mean though, they don't automatically die on a critical and with 88 HP they shouldn't go down after a single attack either.

[Dr Gunsforhands]

Onar was an ...unconventional druid.

Riding on an upswell of popularity from his part in the defeat of the evil wizard Mortos, Onar was elected Archdruid. He called a conclave of all members of the major druidic sects. Standing astride Meatfists, his awakened bear rogue cohort, Onar called the house to order.

"Some would applaud our efforts to protect our woods. But I say we are wrong!"

A flurry of murmurs passes through the enclave.

"It's not enough to spread awareness! All these attempts to protect our territory do nothing but protect outsiders! We chase away invaders only to chase them away again. As long as we remain passive in the defense of our woods, we face inevitable destruction! Too long we have watched people without the proper know how pervert the natural order. We are the natural order! We will weaponize nature! We will teach the world to fear the druid! We will engineer a world where the woods expand into civilization!"

Onar set out an exhaustive list of steps and promises including:

1. Teaching spiders to use crossbows.

2. Squirrels with an insatiable thirst for blood.

3. Permanently invisible dinosaurs.

4. Kittens covered in contact poison.

5. Canaries that can breathe anything.

6. Flying bears.

7. Growing thorns on plants that don't have thorns. Plants with thorns already will shoot lightning.

8. Trees filled with nitroglycerin.

All was going according to plan until a logger tried to cut down one of their trees and the woods exploded.

[poignant123]

There was this time where some of buddies and I were playing a gestalt PbP partially political game. It involved different groups of PCs supporting their chosen royal (also a PC) in their bid to claim the throne. In essence it was PvP with politics as well. We were an Enchanter, a Ranger/MoMF/Wizard with an Imp familiar and a Warlock/Binder (me).

We were a trio of deviously silly villains who were hellbent on driving the rest of the players insane, so we threw around fake posters regarding the quest in order to screw around.

Unfortunately, one of the royals decided to try and track us down, thus hiring an NPC diviner to determine our true identities. Being obsessed with secrecy as we were, we attempted to intercept their meeting. It went something like this:

We scour the park (the meeting place) until we discover that they're meeting at the park lake. So since I reached there first, I disguised myself as the diviner and ran out, claiming that the one she was talking to was a fake.

My friend then decides to bull rush me with the imp (in boar form) and push me away. This was to create the effect that I was being pursued.

The enchanter bursts in, ALSO disguised as the diviner. He screams that we were both imposters.

So basically we had 3 copies of the same NPC running around claiming each other was a fake.

But apparently the information had already been passed to the royal, so we attempted to deal with her.

The MoMF, who had been flying in the sky as a giant eagle, decides to wildshape into an orca whale.

Right above the royal.

We then proceeded to cast Dominate Person on her.

[DontEatRawHagis]

I assume you mean zombie hulk? I don't get what you mean though, they don't automatically die on a critical and with 88 HP they shouldn't go down after a single attack either.

4e Essential book from the Red Box. I bought it for my club to play if they wanted to try D&D for the first time.

New story:

DM: The Lizard folk attacks you(wizard), 17 vs AC
Wizard: Damn, Hit.
DM: *Rolls damage* Max
Wizard: Damn it! I'm down to 10.
Cleric: Do you need a bandaid?
DM: And your poisoned and prone.
Me: I think she needs a full body cast.

[Kaulesh]

This may not exactly be funny, but one of my Shadowrun decker's qualities came into play in our last session. This particular decker has the qualities Evil Twin and Amnesia I (so I don't recognize the twin). Let's put this into perspective. I've blown up buildings, killing all of the innocents inside (it was an accident, I swear!), I've broken into Aztechnology territory, firebombed a research installation there, and gotten out alive. I revisited the bombed out ruins that I created before that to retrieve some information for another Johnson - many Lone Star officers were mowed down in the process. I'm associated (wrongfully, I swear!) with a terrorist organization. And I've got an evil twin. My twin must be either a complete jackhat that kicks puppies and burns orphanages or a complete angel and I'm actually his evil twin.

That brings us to the last session. I see my evil twin on trid giving a short interview about someone who looks just like him (without the evil goatee) at the site of the Aztechnology bombing. Oh, look. He's the head of NovaTech. He says it's a very poor disguise and someone wants to frame him. He doesn't believe that because he's hired some runners to track me down. I walk up to Al, our troll street sam, and ask him to punch me in the face three times as hard as he can. Now I can get some facial biosculpting done without drawing too much attention to myself.

Being a decker/rigger is fun. Being a combat decker/rigger who does this on the fly while messing up enemies' cyber as he's shooting at them is even more fun. We (more precisely, our troll) get stopped by a large number of Lone Star cars as we're leaving our last job. My response: hack into a police car and broadcast a request for all officers at some terrorist bombing on the other side of the city. That gets rid of half of them. My next move? I'm still in one of the cars that didn't take off. Make all remaining cars accelerate forward, preferably toward the Lone Star guys that are no longer in cars. They all miss, but it's a nice diversion while we run away to find my van.

[bokodasu]

DM: Ok, so you're trying to sneak in and dig up the corpse. Make move silently and hide checks.
Rogue: That's a... 41 on move silently and a 34 to hide.
Bard [With bonuses, makes a 6]: I sing a jaunty graverobbing tune as we sneak into the cemetery!

Luckily, the rogue was able to break her out of jail. Now she's wanted on charges of Necromancy (punishable by death), but on the bright side, her Bluff and Diplomacy are high enough that she can probably convince anyone who recognizes her that they were the actual graverobbers, and should probably turn themselves in.

[DisgruntledDM]

One player in my game is a CN half-orc fighter who decides he wants to make some extra money by being a stand up comic. He has no ranks in perform, but decides to tell lame jokes and intimidate the audience into laughing (almost 7' tall, 18 STR with a greataxe). So he gets his first gig at a run-down tavern. Here's one of his bits:

"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Battle Axe!"

"Battle Axe who?"

"I'M FUNNY!"

I was laughing so hard, he didn't have to make his intimidate check.

[Karoht]

I had this Half-orc Fighter in 2nd Edition. His name was Udar.
Anyway, since no one else in the party had Charisma to speak of, Udar with his (to date the best I've ever rolled on any DnD character, and the highest I've ever rolled for Charisma) 8 Charisma, 18/99 Strength, 15 Dex, 16 Con, and 12 Wisdom 12 Intellect, was somehow considered to be the best guy for getting information out of people. Especially captives who needed to be interrogated.

So he'd walk up to the prisoners, all 8 foot 3 of him, sit down, pull out a rusty and dull looking hatchet, the kind one uses more for chopping kindling, still spattered with dried blood and... not blood... He would then chop the head off a fish and begin eating the head, and he always had the same question he would ask first, with his mouth full of fish head. If fish were not available, he'd eat pig feet.

"So, and I just gotta ask, how much do you like your toes?"

Worked like a charm on this little island that had a major plague outbreak. Didn't help that Udar hadn't bathed in 3 days prior to the interrogation.
And for the record, he bathed regularly, whenever occasion allowed.

[Doughnut Master]

One player in my game is a CN half-orc fighter who decides he wants to make some extra money by being a stand up comic. He has no ranks in perform, but decides to tell lame jokes and intimidate the audience into laughing (almost 7' tall, 18 STR with a greataxe). So he gets his first gig at a run-down tavern. Here's one of his bits:

"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Battle Axe!"

"Battle Axe who?"

"I'M FUNNY!"

I was laughing so hard, he didn't have to make his intimidate check.

That's hysterical.

[Grelna the Blue]

Back in 2nd Ed, I had a character who called himself Vengeance, an LG mage with the militant wizard kit (basically giving him the suicidal privilege of using a two handed sword while retaining the crappy wizard hit dice and bonuses to hit). Standard brooding hero backstory and given to pompous comic book oratory. You know, stuff like, "Tremble villains, for the judgement of Vengeance is nigh!" Really cheesy, but a lot of fun.

He was undeniably Good, but what he was more than anything else was LAWFUL. The paladin in the party didn't even come close.

So one day when he and the party were somewhere around 10-11th level, the party's food got spiked with an aphrodisiac by the party thief, who thought it'd be funny. Everybody ate except the cleric, Mya, who had herbalism and noticed something but didn't bother to mention it to the rest of us because...well, I don't know why she didn't. As the party was evenly divided genderwise, things got interesting off in the bushes during the night. Well, interesting for everyone except for Vengeance and Mya (who was played by my girlfriend).

Vengeance had eaten and had been affected, but I had him pacing in a sweat for a couple of hours before anything developed. Finally, he stopped next to the resting cleric and lightly rested his hand on her shoulder. The whole gaming group was agog to see Vengeance finally fall from his high horse and were awaiting the hijinks with broad grins. Mya awoke and seeing him kneeling by her side, she immediately assumed she knew why he was there. The ensuing conversation went something like this:

Mya: [amused] Is something wrong?

Vengeance: [clearly distraught, the sweat standing out on his brow] Long have I struggled with my feelings, but I can struggle no more. [other players snicker and lean forward at this point] You know I have long had the greatest respect for you but I have...well, I had forsworn all thoughts of romance until my two fathers are avenged and my mother's fate is known. However, somehow I find I can no longer resist the compulsion to...to ask you whether you would...

Mya: Whether I would what?

Vengeance: Mya...would you...would you marry me?

At this point the entire group burst out laughing and clapping. It was just so hilariously appropriate for the character that even drugged he would not consider hanky panky outside the bonds of matrimony. As it happened, even after all was explained to Vengeance, he was still resolved and the two were married. (Edit: Clearly, she said "yes.") Although he went on to be one of the highest level characters I ever played and he was fun to the end, that one moment shines brighter than any other of his career.