Funny D&D Stories

[The Blackbird]

One time we were fighting some weird undead things in a town and a random commoner died and the nearest commoner started to eat the dead ones arm.

Another one is a story my brother told me were one of the PC's was trying to become a lich and instead, the other PC's messed it up and he ended up as a pair of magic dice.

I could go on for a while on funny stories, I might post again later.

Edit: Yay I started the new page

[Broler]

Our parties fighter was convinced that a rock we had found was magical, even though we had used detect magic and everything. so when we were next in town he throws it at someone. And instant kills them we got kicked out and almost executed

[Flame of Anor]

elven aasimar?!!!?! aasimar is a race! you can't have an elven aasimar!

it's like saying "I play a human dwarf"!

No, an aasimar is just someone with celestial ancestry. Sure, the aasimar statted out in the MM is human, but there's no reason you couldn't have an elven aasimar. In fact, my DM changed aasimar into a template, and it works a lot better. I don't know what the writers were thinking, making it a race.

EDIT: Oh, and here's a couple of funny stories. My dad was playing a barbarian one time (recently), and the barbarian was obsessed with ducks. So one time we were in a dungeon and the barbarian stepped onto a magic floor tile and was asked a riddle. He answered "It's a DUCK!" and was zapped with electricity damage. He didn't die, though, and we finally answered the riddle right.

Other story: my mom was playing in college (not recently) and she had a magic user. This character had an intelligent magic dagger, but it was no great shakes at fighting--plus 1 or something, no special powers. The dagger, however, called itself The Lord Of The Undead and thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It would always be challenging foes to single combat, calling them names, yelling that it would take all comers, etc. It came in especially unhandy one time when her character was at 1 hit point and separated from the rest of the party (they might even have been dead). She was being followed by monsters, and was desperately trying to reach the town. And all the while The Lord Of The Undead was screaming for the cowards to come and die under its steel...

Other story: also when my mom was playing in college, her group did a "random dungeon" session--just roll the dice to see what you get. They ended up encountering a herd of giraffes in a dungeon corridor hundreds of feet underground.

[Crispy Dave]

Alright I got another one

today we did an all day campaign and nI played a druid(I love druids). The DM hinted that having other genders may help so I volunteered to be female as did our Cleric who with the story background had been my friend for a while.

Long story short we get the task of retrieving 5 different people in one day all from different locations.

Firs of all my character would never just go blindly into a fight no matter what I fought I would try to reason with the monster before the fight to avoid combat.

First Dungeon we see a huge blue dragon. The Dragon had been tamed and it was not very intelligent I manged to get it to agree to join us if we got him out of the dungeon. I had our mage buff his intelligence so he could learn how to shrink himself. We now have a dragon on our team.

Before I go with my Cleric friend and our rougue to the next dungeon our Undead slayer(fighter/cleric) and our mage stay to wait for the dragons master to return. The Mage sends his familiar with us.

Second dungeon is a maze. I try to cheat it by casting flame wings but there is a metal ceiling over half the maze. We get to the end and there's a hut. Inside the hut two men are guarding one of the people we must save. I walk in asking how they are doing. They respond with "why the hell are you here?" I say "im here for the day care center to pick up my sister" I would have passed that bluff but the captured person was a male because I was mixing up the last captive and this one. DUH!. We defeat them and head back to the others.

The others captured the dragons master but she had no useful information.

Next Dungeon we get attacked by statues I just run past them and they dont follow me. We find a Female Centaur and I talk to her. I mange to avoid combat but she does not join us. we continue on through the dungeon. We see a sleeping two headed hellhound with a pink and purple collar. It wakes up and says"I smell humans sister". I say to it "your so cute!" while our undead slayer says "go back to sleep fiend!". One head thanks me for the compliment and the other says to the Undead Slayer "we don't like you either". I go up and pet the hellhound and it says "I wouldn't do that". I ask why it replies "this is why" and it bites me. I successfully bought us enough time for the mage to dismiss it. After we meet an oger who I cant communicate with so we have to kill it.

We capture their leader like the other one and they know nothing.

Fourth Dungeon is a huge Colosseum and I dont get to do anything.

fifth dungeon is an all female male haters dungeon. I was female if you remember. We look inside a door and see two drow putting makeup on. I go up to them and ask if I can join them. They agree. I ask if I may bring my friend's and they say yes. I bring in the female Cleric and my polar bear(ya I have a polar bear). I tell the others I have a plan and to leave us here. The others clear the rest of the dungeon and get the last captive we need. After beauty makeovers with the drow some of the bad guys show up they roll bad and agree to let us into thier group about to attack the town we were helping. They slap some wristbands on us that mind control us and turn us evil.


Final battle is at the town with group combat. Thanks to the dragon we befriended for the good guys they won with no problems. Our heroes managed to live and they took the bracelets off us and that's where we end.

fyi the DM was female.

[the HZ]

elven aasimar?!!!?! aasimar is a race! you can't have an elven aasimar!

it's like saying "I play a human dwarf"!

Why can't you play a human dwarf? Not dwarf as race, but dwarf as in extremely short person. Who happens to be human.

Also, is it OK to post funny RPG stories that are not D&D? Because I played a really odd game of CoC yesterday.

[The Blackbird]

Thought of another one

Once me and my buddies were in this epic battle with some undead wizard guy. (it was not a lich but I can't remember the name of the undead right now) The fight lasted about 4 hours (Real life time) and we fought the wizard a bunch of Ghouls and spiders.

For one thing right when the battle started my gnome fighter got held and he was out for most of the fight, my friends paladin charged when the fight began and a spider landed on him, everytime he managed to get back up another spider would land on him. There was also this super strong goat thing tied up in the corner of the room (it was part of the quest we were on) and if we got it free it would most likely beat the wizard.
So I had my other character a wizard/vampire( vampire as a monster class) run up to the goat, but the undead wizard guy had garlic and I took a huge penalty to getting the goat free.

At that moment all seemed lost, but then my wizard had another idea and I used summon monster 1 to summon a holy badger and the badger rolled a natural 20 and hit the wizard dude and almost killed him. The badger could not hit him from there after, rolled bad again and again, but then the undead guy casts a scroll of fly and begins to leave swearing vengence and all that.

Now THIS is the best part we all know he's gonna get away and become a reacurring villian but instead he, our rogue who was in the other room fighting ghouls and who never acually knew we were fighting the undead guy in the first place, see's him says "Yikes scary undead thing DIE" throws a bullet from her sling at him rolls a 19 hits, does four damage and kills him.

That was maybe the 2nd most epic and funniest D&D fight I've been in.

[killmaster666]

Why can't you play a human dwarf? Not dwarf as race, but dwarf as in extremely short person. Who happens to be human.

Also, is it OK to post funny RPG stories that are not D&D? Because I played a really odd game of CoC yesterday.

knock yourself out dude

[Lost Demiurge]

Okay. Normally I don't like boasting, but I think this was too funny not to share.

So we end up with an unexpected day or two of free time for this last weekend, and my friend wants to run a one-shot of Monte Cook's Iron Heroes. That's kind of like D&D 3.5, in a Conan setting. Your class is based around your fighting style, with one lone arcane class available to those who just can't live without their sorcery. The entire thing's set in a low-magic, pseudo-hyborian world.

Our buddy plays Zoltan the Magnificent, a street conjuror who is secretly a wizard. My wife is his assistant, a scantily clad dancing girl who's secretly an executioner. (Assassin type.) We've also got an african amazon style weapon master, and she's deadly with a shield and trident.

Me? I'm Khalid Ben-Hussan, the worst merchant in the city. Every few months Khalid staggers out of the desert leading his camel, with arrows sticking out of both of them, crowing about how he saved much money on caravan guards. Khalid fights with a falchion that has its own zip code. He's technically a berserker, though his abilities are based on good humor rather than rage... He has "Intimidating Laugh", rather than Battle Howl, that sort of thing. And he gets more cheerful as he fights, considering it all good play. Khalid is one-eyed... A bandit shot it out. Fortunately that bandit's head fetched a good bounty, and Khalid had the gold from it made into a new eye.

Khalid sells useless souveneir stuff... Bamboo flamingos, tiny silk umbrellas, and hats with wine mugs built into them. But he has a few useful things, such as Khalid's everburning torches (With a socket build into the bottom, so you can screw a new torch into it. Technically it's the same flame...), and Khalid's ten-foot pole. (A back scratcher with ten clawed animal feet built into it.)

So, the adventure is beginning, and Zoltan is telling the amazon's fortune in his booth, which happens to be up against the old, ruined city wall. Lo and behold, the wall starts to shift, move, and magically open! They're gaping at it, when Khalid pokes his head into the tent.

K: "Hey, Z! Friend of Khalid and conjuror beyond compare, the market magistrate is here. He wants the pay for this - by the gods! What did you do?"
Z: "Nothing! Though my magics be mighty, this is none of my doing."
K: "Hmph! Khalid believes you, but the magistrate will not. And he will be upset that you broke the wall. Maybe want double-bribe from Zoltan, this week."
Z: "Such perfidy cannot stand!"
K: "Yes! Let us find rude openers of walls in respectable wizard's homes, and request that they cease their opening!"

And so, our intrepid group went down into the dungeon to find someone we could politely ask to reseal the dungeon. All so our good friend didn't have to pay a 6-copper bribe, instead of a 3-copper bribe.

The grasping carnivorous fungus down the tunnel was easy to chop through, as were the skeletons waiting for us in the tomb antechamber. Then we came upon a sarcophagus that opened, revealing an iron-masked mummy, a terrible fearsome sight that glared at us with pure malevolence.

K: "Greetings effendi! The gods look down on us with favor, the stars themselves dance with joy, and Khalid declares an all-day twenty-percent off sale at this, the most auspicious moment of our meeting!"

The mummy stops. The rest of the party stops.

K: "Though humble Khalid hates to admit it, we have come as supplicants. Truly, we wail at disturbing such a revered great one! We rend our hair and gnash our teeth, woe, woe! But great urgency drives us forth to discuss our small, meager needs with esteemed ancestor."

The mummy stares. The rest of the party stares.

K: "Yes, you see, Khalid does not know exactly why, but a door has opened up in friend Zoltan's tent. If perhaps such a great ancestor could see fit to shut the door, Khalid and Khalid's friends will depart, giving much thanks and perhaps a bamboo flamingo puppet on a stick as a small gift for great one's casket..."

Mummy: "YOU TRAVEL WITH THE AZORAN." And then it tried to kill Zoltan.

Then there was fighting. But Khalid tried!

Later on in the tomb, we started hitting traps and puzzles. After the first trap, the wizard insisted on checking every door for more traps. (Anyone can search for traps in this system.) Every door came up clear. Then we got to the central chamber, and found five nonmoving skeletons sitting around a table. On the table was a pedestal with a ruby the size of Khalid's head!

Immediately, Zoltan goes for the ruby! Immediately, amazon woman tries to stab one of the skeletons! Khalid tries to stop both of them, and fails miserably.
K: "Wait! What? Think! Stop! This is perhaps... GAH! SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN KHALID IS VOICE OF REASON!"

Of course, the pedestal animates, swallows the ruby, sprouts limbs and attempts to kill the hell out of us.

K:"OH! EVERY DOOR, EVERY DOOR HE SAY WAIT KHALID! WAIT, LET ZOLTAN LOOK FOR TRAPS! BUT NOOOOO, FURNITURE JUST FINE! COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRAP ON FURNITURE, JUST WALK OVER AND GRAB EASY TREASURE! Dammit Z, now Khalid have to kill a dais because of you. We live through this, you buying first bottle."

And the dais was defeated, the ruby reclaimed, and a fiery demon released unwittingly from the gem... But on the plus side, we did find out how to seal the wall again, and dodge the 3-copper bribe. So all's well that ended well...

[Dirk Kris]

OK, so not THE funniest, but a funny DnD story.

We had this guy in our gaming group who was a real jerk, very snobby, "I'm better and smarter than you" kind of attitude. And he played - of course - a sorcerer. So we enter this old inn and are checking it out, because children have gone missing, yada yada yada. ANYway, we go up the stairs, and the sorcerer rushes across the second floor landing to look at something. The DM says, "Are you sure you want to do that?" And if THAT'S not a warning, I dunno what is. Anyway, the guy says yes, and the DM says, "OK, about halfway across, you fall through a hole in the floor. Roll a d20." The guy figures it's a saving throw and smirks, then rolls a 19. The DM smiles and says, "OK, now roll 19d4 for damage." Noting the guy's stunned look, he smiles and says, "What? I told you it takes a full minute to climb the stairs."

Jerk-boy got so butt-hurt about it, he got up and walked out and left.

[Alteran]

In a recent 4e session, the party wizard switched characters for a beastmaster ranger. At one point in a fight, he was planning to use an encounter power he had, where he and the beast each got to make an attack. The DM left for a second to get a drink, and when he returned, one of our players said "Guess what? While you were gone, [Ranger] rolled two natural 20s!" The DM, of course, didn't buy this, and asked the ranger to roll his attacks. 20. 20. For the rest of the session, the ranger rolled at least one 20 every time he used that power.

[killmaster666]

my friend used to purposly use weopons that requiered a D8 because he was the damn D8 master

I swear on my purple D20 this guy has never rolled less then a 6 during gameplay sure goofing around he would get 2's and stuff but EVERY attack roll was between a 6-8 for a while we thought he was using a loaded dice untill i tried to use it (I suck btw) and couldn't roll more then a 3

he has abandoned d10 wepons in favour of d8 weopons because he can do more damage with them it's hilarious to play with him

[brandr]

Well, as long as we're sharing embarrassing and hilarious stories, the bard may as well pop up and spin a yarn that any old lady would be proud to knit from!

So there, in the forests and on the plains of Dar'Toonak, an island located in the oceans of wild Faerun, three inexperienced rutabaga pickers came to be part of a wild tale. An old man, Olaf Telcronom, had come to Dar’Toonak in search of several mystic artifacts (which you may hear of later if the mood of the muse should strike me fair again, and yet another tale be told).

Well, this man being so old, could not possibly perform the tasks of an archaeologist himself in such a dangerous land. So, he hired some younger men thirsty for an adventure. And, as is natural, he made certain these were poor and ill equipped farmer-folk, who were mere 1st levels. Three there were, a bard of red hair and great wit, Brandr Swindreamer was his name. He had run from home (a slightly wealthy and deranged home) to reach for fame and glory as a bard. Of course, he fell far short, and ended up harvesting the crop in a town called Meager, alongside a half-Orc, known as Gork Tornak a wild child barbarian, and a half-Elf druid known only as ‘Kerwin’.

In the course of these journeys, many beasts were slain, and it was noted that most of this was done by the sword of a raging barbarian, and the well waxed string of an especially vocal bard. The druid would have none of this, and so did decide to buy himself a weapon with which he could abandon his more magical duties as healer, and quarrel with the monsters and brigands that crossed their path.

Now, inevitably, it came to everyone’s attention that druids are not suited for front line combat, and Kerwin suffered constant malady by virtue of monstrous fangs. Once the lines were drawn betwixt adventurers and foe, his first move would be to charge them with his long spear. Each time the battle ended with him nearly dead, and the two others angry with him.

He’d been picked up and chewed on by an ankheg, grappled and nearly torn in two by a massive gorilla, nearly offed by a tiny white dragon guarding a tower, and not to mention the fact that he was almost finished off by a dire weasel who had become enraged when Kerwin had taken it upon himself to crawl down its hole head first, with no means of escape.

Finally, the others had decided to let the druid get what was coming to him when he charged into the middle of a warband of hobgoblins, and got himself flanked. The adventure continues as the green isle seeks to free itself from imperial rule, but this druid is no longer a member in this endeavor.

[SkredlitheOgre]

I was DM'ing a group of 6. The group was in an underground tunnel system, fighting off aberrations, since the Big Bad of the adventure was a Mind Flayer Vampire. (This was before I had the book Lords of Madness, where there's an actual vamprie mind flayer monster.) Well, the party fights their way to the final battle. A group of 6 PCs against a mind flayer vampire, two other mind flayers, and several umber hulks, plus the truly horrid umber hulk bodyguard of the vampire.

The mind flayer vampire had managed to use Domination on our half-orc barbarian. He just barely missed his Will save. Three other characters had won initiative and two of them did some fairly complicated actions/spell, requiring me to look up stuff in the books. We get all of the actions for that round done and move to the second round.

At this point, I've completely forgotten that Arachnus, the half-orc (played by Josh) is Dominated, so I ask him what he wants to do. Josh and all the other players had forgotten, too. He moves toward the mind flayer vampire. I had deliberately placed the bad guys further away from the good guys, strictly because of Fast Movement. It was going to take two rounds to get there and then he could attack on the third round.

Fast Forward to the third round. Arachnus is standing pretty much right in the vampire's face, greataxe at the ready, pretty much ignoring the horrid umber hulk.

Me: Okay, Craig (human monk). You and Arachnus are standing side by side, you are in front of the umber hulk, Arachnus is in front of the vampire.
Craig: Which umber hulk.
Me: The really big one. You've managed to avoid his confusing gaze. What's up?
Craig: I attack the umber hulk. (the umber hulk had already hit him a bunch and he was on low HP.)
*attacks are rolled*
Me: You don't kill him, but you took a big chunk out of him. He doesn't look happy. Okay, Josh. You're up. What do you wanna do? (heavy sarcasm, because I know he's going to attack)
(before Josh can say anything) Craig: *scans the table, looks up at me and takes a quick inhale of breath*

At this point, I know I've missed something, because Craig is the only one who knows the rules and everything as well as I do. He keeps a straight face, so I start looking at the table and mentally going over what's going on with each character. Then I remember. Arachnus is under the vampire's power. I look up at Craig and slowly smile.

Craig: NO! NO! You can't do that! You forgot about it!
Me: Techinally, I can, because even if I DID forget, the vampire didn't and this guy is smart enough to sucker you into a trap like this.

So, I have Josh roll his first attack on Craig, who goes down like a brick. Craig keeps complaining, so I look up Dominate Person in the PHB. Josh would get a +2 on his Will save to do things against his nature. I start to argue that a Chaotic Neutral barbarian attacking someone wouldn't be against his nature, but I realize Craig has stopped having fun. So, I compromise.

Me: Okay, fine. Here's what we'll do. Josh, roll Will save again +2.
Josh: Dammit! I got a 1!
Me: Okay, this is your first attack.
Josh: Okay, I got an 18. And...16 points of damage.
Me: Craig. HP?
Craig *calculating* Minus 5.
Me: *mutters* Crap. Josh, Will save, +2.
Josh: 14. That makes 16!
Me: Damn! Close, but not quite. Roll second attack!

At this point, everyone is literally on the edge of their seat.

Josh. A 1! I missed!
Everyone laughs.
Me: Will save +2

Josh rolls and everyone is staring at the die as is rolls across the table, landing on a 1, one side of the die slightly elevated due to a coaster on the table.

Kyle (human ranger): REROLL! REROLL! The die isn't flat! He gets to reroll!
I think it over and shrug, handing Josh back his die.
Me: Fine. Reroll, J. Will save +2.

The die comes hurtling across the table and smacks into my DM screen, bounces off and spins on a point, coming to a stop. On a 20. Everyone, especially Craig, breaks out into cheers.

At this point, the only person who can heal is the dwarven cleric, who is still back fighting mind flayers and umber hulks. This turns into everyone with a ranged weapon covering the dwarf as he casts Righteous Might (which was homebrewed to make his movement 30 ft instead of 20. I might, come on.) The dwarf smacks the horrid umber hulk and in, I think, the sixth round, manages to cast Heal on Craig's character. Craig looks at me from across the table.

Craig: I hate you now and I'm going to kill every single one of these guys.

He promptly proceeds to clean house, rolling 19s and 20s for the next three rounds of combat, while taking a whopping 6 points of damage for the next three rounds.

[Andre Fairchilde]

I DM'd a party of military guys - the players, not the characters.

So, a couple were high strung, and they always were entertaining.

This was a 3.0 campaign.

The party was creeping up on an abandoned, decrepit stone fort that was rumored to be housing some humanoid raiders. It was actually out of the way from the "planned" adventure, but I have no problem treating my D&D like a great big sand box for the players to go exploring in.

Anyway, the party is kind of sneaking up on this out of the way old fort.

They come upon a broken wall that surrounds the fort, and all is overgrown. They're in the middle of bushes, and have wonderful concealment.

Inside the fort however, on the second level, the Hobgoblin raider/bandits are on alert because that's what they do in camp. They place guards and patrol.

One player - an Elven Ranger - decides he's going to climb one of the broken walls - which is over 20 feet high. It is covered with a slick moss, but has some handholds on it.

He rolls a 1, and slides down to the ground with a "thump"

In the fort, several hobgoblin guards make their Listen checks.

The elven ranger again tries to climb up the wall (instead of just peeking around? ) and again fails to make the simple roll to climb up the side - again making noise.

Ok, the hobgoblins know somone is coming - and about where to expect them. They are readying actions to shoot the first people they see. They are also imbibing potions, etc.

The Elven Ranger tries a *third* time and finally makes it to the top - to IMMEDIATELY be shot by two arrows for almost max damage, and then...

... fall to the ground behind the wall for an additional 2d6 damage.

There's more...
One of the other players was bored at work that week and made MS Paint "T-Shirts" for the party.

One shirt with a big target was made for the elf, and another depicting a falling person with elf ears was captioned "Beware Falling Elves'

[the HZ]

After everyone died one hour into our game of Call of Cthulhu, the three players rolled up new characters while I tried to find ideas for a new adventure. Maybe I could do that zombie adventure I thought about earlier but never wrote down? Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I

One player rolled some sub-par stats, but she decided to go with it and made her character an author named Rene. The next player made a clergyman named Pierre. A bible thumper, but not in the fundamentalist sense, but in a more literal sense. He carried a huge bible, which he intended to use as a weapon. This idea was just so hilarious, I felt I just had to allow it.
Another player was constantly repeating the line "I seduce her!", a line he heard on TV or something. He made a musician named Jeanette, and rolled a 4 in Appearance.

Jeanette: No! I don't want an appearance of 4!
Me: I played CoC with some other guys once. One player had an appearance of 3.

He decided to keep the score, and wanted some hints on how to place his skill points.
Jeanette: Which skill is seducing?
Me: Fast Talk or Persuade, depending on your approach and intentions.
Jeanette: *places points in Fast Talk*
Me: Oh, and it would be useful if at least one of you put some points in driving.
Jeanette: Not me. I'm always the driver for some reason.
Pierre: All right, I'll be the driver.
Jeanette: Do we really need to put points in it? We already start with 20
Me: No, that's your base chance. It means your character knows how to steer, accelerate and brake.
Jeanette: That's enough, right?

Sighing inwards, I check the Clergyman's character sheet. He has put a few points in driving, but not many. I also notice that he has a high Intelligence, but few sanity points. This is a dangerous combination, since it means you will both easily fail sanity rolls and easily understand the horror you face. Anyway, I start the adventure.

Me: You're all friends on a road trip in rural France. You're in Pierre's car. Pierre's driving, Jeanette's in the front seat and Rene is sitting in the back seat. It's late in the evening as you travel through the countryside, looking for somewhere to sleep.
Jeanette: I seduce him!
Me: Wait, what?

Pierre violently defends himself from Jeanette's advances. Remembering Pierre's low Driving score, I mischievously ask for a Driving roll, which fails. The car skids off the road, into an empty riverbed. The players survive only slightly injured, but the car is stuck. They start walking, eventually reaching a church. Well, Rene and Pierre does, Jeanette decide to go back to the road and try to hitch a ride. Meanwhile, Rene and Pierre enter the church where they find the priest locked up in a room. He tells the players that he was hiding from a strange man attacking him. Suddenly, a loud crash is heard. A zombie is stumbling around inside the church. Pierre fails his sanity roll and loses quite a few sanity points, after which both he and the NPC priest attack the zombie. CoC zombies can take a lot of punishment and since beating it to death (or until it stops moving) doesn't seem to work, Rene tries to light it on fire. With a match. This doesn't work.

Rene: We brought all our supplies from the car, right? Do I have a bottle of wine?
Me: Yes.
Rene: Good. I pour it over the zombie.
Me: Ok, you pour it down its throat. (I've seen Braindead too many times)
Rene: I try another match.
Me: Wine isn't flammable.

The zombie never manage to hit with a single attack, and after the wine it critically fail its next. I rule that the drunken zombie falls to the ground, and both priests keep whacking it until Pierre smashes its head with his bible and the NPC priest drives a chair leg through its chest. I decide to send a zombie on Jeanette as well, in an attempt to get the group back together.

Me: You see a figure stumbling towards you on the road. It looks like a drunk man trying to find his way home.
Jeanette: I seduce him.
Me: He falls straight into your arms... and then he bites you in the shoulder.

This sent her running back to the church, where the NPC priest offered to drive them out of there in his car. After that, the adventure got a bit more normal.
Oh, and the character with an Appearance of 3 I mentioned earlier? The player who made him drew a picture of him. He depicted him as a dirty old German man with penises instead of eyes.

[Deckmaster]

I was playing a monk and we were in a dungeon. We came across this hydra. When it came to my turn, I attacked it and then ran away. Then I ran back and attacked it again on my next turn. This became my preferred fighting style. Later, we were fighting the big bad, and after he displayed awesome arcane power, I decided it would be prudent to run away. I honestly didn't think we'd be able to defeat him. The rest of the party took to calling me "Brave Sir Robin."

[killmaster666]

my friend had HORRABLE luck at getting cursed items.

the first one i can remember was he won a little fight amoung the party we had before the campaign started and the winner got a random magic item. the fight was pretty one sided (2 of us were spellcasters he was a fighter and i think the other was a rogue but the areana we were in didn't support sneaking very well)

the item he got was...i don't remember exactly some axe that you throw and it had the returning ability. the DM called the rest of us over though and pointed to 2 things he had writen down becuse we would notice when it happened but he wouldn't and he wanted to give us the heads up

1. Weopon is cursed at night

2. when he trys to make it return he will think it does but acually he is now holding a spoon and the axe is wherever it landed

now he knew somtihng was up but had no idea what because we were laughing our asses off we played out the campaign and for about 4 sessions he had no idea untill some random commer looked at us and said "why's that bloke charging the orc with a spoon!?" (we always picked up his axe and brought it with us after a fight, i think he thought the curse was every day at dawn it became a spoon and teleported into one of our backpacks or somthing)



the second one was me tryign to DM (emphisis on trying) i had planned out a campaign however the simple fact that they were chaotic evil through it basically right out the window

but i said screw it i had put a bit of time into this i was doing the one i had planned even if i had t force them on a good adventure

so they wen't into a store to spend some ill gotten gains on better weopons so i told them that the town had recently been robbed and if they got back the items then they would get massive discounts in the town the rest of their lives

(now i should say i know these guys really well and knew at least one of them would ask this) mitchel (the guy from the last story) looks at the shop keeper and says do you have ANYTHING that we can use

i sort of smile and say well....i supose i have a magic rapier (his weopon of choice) Ok but i want ti free because of what were getting it for. the shopkeep agrees and reaches under the counter and slowly pulls up this rapier holding it by the tip of the blade and places it on the counter. mitchel eagerly grabs it

There is a blinding flash of green light and he looks down to see his hand wrapped tightlyaround the handle even tough he had barily touched it before the light so he trys to put it down and realises he can't. so he is about to make a move on the shopkeep and kill him for sticking a weopon to him when the shopkeep says i needed some way to garuntee you would come back with the stuff i have the only spell that will remove that weopon from your soul and if for any reaosn that weopon and you are ever seperated...your soul will be ripped from your body and destroyed

so they went out hunting for the crap that got stolen from the town and i kept screwing with him by making guards in towns they were resting in and such ask him to put his weopon away or stuff like that i think towards the end he got his hand cut off facing a personification of his evil which was just a pitch black version of him any damage done to the shadow version was also done to him but it didn't work the other way around (BTW mitch if you read this you were supposed to make peace with it not try to kill it that's why it cut off it's own right hand making yours fall off killing you)

[luffy316]

Oh how the stories have stacked up over time...

Lately, I've been running a superhero campaign. The team includes

Lichzorz, a 4chan dork who got the powers and appearance of a lich. Considers this real LARPing. Built a personal golem with a laptop in its back
Vanity: played by my gf. self-absorbed male model/vampire hunter who controls light and can use mild illusions. Massive charisma. Recently bound to a succubus (Lily) to him, making it his adoring little cheerleader/soul sucker
Steam: a steampunk inventor with super strength, iron bones, and devastating swordsmanship
Dusk: shadow-kinetic teleporter and mild shapeshifter
Dreamchylde: telekinetic and fires energy blasts, and fights with a scythe
Cymurai: robotic swordsman made of almost unbreakable metal, leaving him nearly immortal (and partly suicidal).



The gang meets for the first time at an experimental laboratory where a villain has hijacked an experimental giant death ray ("Yea, sorry. Bad idea.")
They fight their way through hacked robot guards, genetically modified freaks, etc. until they reach the raygun chamber, where the villain awaits. She'd a 8 year old with a too-big labcoat, a teddybear, and fake glasses, vowing vengeance against mommy and daddy for making her go to bed early. All face palm or groan at Dr. Adorable



At one point later when the party splits up, Vanity investigates some paranormal activity nearby. Finds a ghost and manages to put it to rest by uncovering its body hidden in the walls of its old home. He meets the rest of the group on the street, carrying the body and finding out that people around the city are turning into beastmen and attacking at random. the gang brings him up to speed.

Vanity: "Alright, I'm in. Lich, want to do something with this body for me?"
Lich: "Oh, sure." *chants and waves his staff, the body standing upright and the ghost (looking far more human that it had earlier) appears again.
Vanity: *agape* "You... I meant BURY IT! Not defile it!"
Lich: *genuinely shocked* "You said 'DO SOMETHING' with the body! LOOK AT ME!! What did you expect!?"


The group joins up with a local team of rebellious teen heroes The Upstarts and pools information. they determine that there's a link with the Brown Barrel brand of beer since it's at the site of each of the changings, and Dusk manages to dig up that a villain called The Madness is spreading the word to villains to keep the streets clear tonight. He's also in Prometheus Island, basically super-jail.

They split up, one group going to the bottling plant and one to check on the jail. Vanity, Dusk, Zag (a jittery speedster), and Miss Fire (Upstarts' callous pyrokinetic leader) go the the plant, and Steam, Lich, 'Zerk (the oversized super strong jock), and Kid Kataclysm (street punk with massive telekinetic power but no moderation on it) hit the jail.


Team 1 gets to the plant and finds it filled with the monster-men, bringing down an offensive guard before Miss Fire (whose been running the show) goes down. Dusk teleports around inside the plant in secret and finds nothing wrong with the machinery, looking unopened for some time as the monsters seem to be apishly trying to operate the bottling machines.

He has Zag do some double checking, finding out that Madness had his men drug a water bottling plant, which happened to be a partner with BB beer and went into their formula. It also happened to be the water they ship to Prometheus Island for the isolated jail's guards. Dusk orders Zag to get Miss Fire to a hospital and decides to take out the monsters while they're in the plant all at once (player left the game) so Vanity took it upon himself to hit the water bottling plant.

Cue Vanity glamouring himself into a monster and infiltrating their ranks. he makes great rolls and actually not only comprehends them fairly well, but manages to speak their gargling babble quite efficiently (it mostly revolves around hitting things anyway). A well-played bluff or two and she manages to convince them to rally with her and raid the prison with her (where the rest of the group is trying to suppress a riot/break).

"Vanity shows up at the front door with about two dozen beast men, who, at his command, rapidly attack guard and prisoner indiscriminately from the outside in. And I swear, Van, if you get an army of monsters on your side every damn game, I'm going to kill you off and make you ugly as sin."

[luffy316]

more compact, my friend's giving us a 4e game. I'm a human fighter, one other player's some elemental race (new player's handbook) spellsword. we're bashing our way through a front line of kobolds on one side of a rope bridge that hangs over a chasm. our teammates are all blasting or shooting across the bridge at their archers, and their one who is banging a gong as an alarm.

the spellsword (marcus) uses a bull rush on one of the ideally positioned critters. shoves them down it, and dave declares him out of the fight and dead. inspired by this, however, he has the next kobold bull rush Marcus to do the same. marcus rolls horribly and is shoved over the edge. dm gives him a reflex check... and fails miserably. Dm stares at the map, then his notes.

Dm: "okay... I did not plan on this. Um... okay, there's a stream at the bottom of the chasm. you just take some fall damage and can make a swim check to steady yourself until they send a rope for you."
Marcus fails this as well and is swept away
DM: "Ok, i guess we end here for today, because i never expected marcus to suck so bad at this."
Me: "Hopefully this is all during the annual 'kobold screaming and gong concert' and nobody noticed. then they'll activate the waterfall special affect and let marcus out of it and everyone will just applaud"

[Trodon]

lol thats funny

ok my group and i were playing an epic game i dont remember the levels but i was a Cleric/Rogue and i decided to sneak up to a purple worm so what do i do?
SNEAK ATTACK INFLICT CRITICAL WOUNDS!!!! i died about 3 rounds after that but the worm did die its just that our wizard decided to cast a maximized meter swarm... it wasint that fun

[Silence]

Ok, so the setup: Assassin character (Man, I really like assassins) whom I'm DMing a solo adventure for tries to sneak into a palace and kill the king. He's about 8th level, and the guards find him, surround him, and beat the living daylights out of him. He's down to 4HP, and the guards drag him into the king's throne room. He has one dagger, poisoned, hidden in his boot.

So, here's what happens. This is all by dice rolling. All following official rules.

He breaks free of the guard, knocks him out, slams past another guard, sprints and pulls a flying, leaping stab at the king. Rolls a perfect crit, and rolls max damage and con drain, killing the king instantly. He then runs, dodging arrows, swords, and all sorts of attacks of opportunity, rolling grapple checks against four different guards, winning, runs out into the halls, out of blind luck finds the treasury, takes two weapons, runs out of the building, into the courtyard, scales the 50ft wall, dodging about two dozen bow attacks, kills two knights on horseback, steals a horse, and rides off into the sunset. And they don't find him afterward.

[The Dark Fiddler]

I haven't even started playing yet, but I'm planning, and I've got one.

My friend is convinced there's a final boss in D&D, so he's like "Dude, I bet YOU'RE the final boss, as dungeon master." I then proceed to explain all of my attacks, especially my moving in real time, shooting instant death from my eyes, and being immune to everything, and he says ,"That's against the rules!" Well, honestly, you're fighting the DM. He can do anything he wants. That's what you get for fighting against him. Rocks fall, anyone I want but nobody I don't want dies.

[Icewalker]

I had a character with split personalities, changes occasionally during battle and overnight. One of them is a very introverted, ranger-esque character who really doesn't like people or society much. Prefers the outdoors. In an inn, demanded to stay the night in the stable loft instead of in a normal room.

Woke up in the morning as the short-tempered warrior jerk, who considers himself very entitled and a bit of a noble. Who proceeds to walk downstairs, grab the innkeeper by the shirt, and very angrily demand his money back for being forced to spend the night in the stables.

This is being watched by another, significantly more reasonable PC, who didn't completely know or understand (IC or OOC) about the split personalities issue, and who watched him demand the stables the night before.

Yeah...

[Flabbicus]

So two sessions ago we had entered into the human-centric home city of my character. I had set up a whole epic back story with the DM over email about how he has some curse and how his whole family was murdered with him receiving all the blame. We had just finished traveling to the Scepter Tower of Spellgard and I found out who the real culprit was.

So we spend a good deal of time buying some disguise kits for my character and another player's character who is recognized as being "shady" as he is a Hellock that ran around the merchant's district.

We split up the party a little bit to do this whole grand entrance a la Ocean's Eleven for the Dragonborn Warlord. We set him up as a big shot visiting dignitary (which he technically is, minus the whole bigshot part) and it all goes great. My character visits the grave site and I roleplay his grief over never getting closure over the loss of his family.

We all meet back up after the others do some politicking at the Arena. We witness the combat beast arena champion, a Minotaur Barbarian, utterly destroy a bunch of criminals. The Dragonborn Warlord decides now is a great time to jump down into the arena and ask the Minotaur if he wants to get a drink.

Cue DM facepalm. Needless to say the Minotaur is less than receptive and they start a match. The Dragonborn actually did fairly well his first turn. He used his action point to bloody the Minotaur and it was looking surprisingly good for him. Then during the Minotaur's turn he utterly wrecked the Dragonborn, sending him into the negatives. We even had to retcon one of his actions so he wasn't beyond saving.

Now the problem with our party is that even though we have two leaders we only have one person with the Heal skill. And that would be me, public enemy number one. I leap down into the arena and proceed to make two failed checks to stabilize him (A 1 and a 2 respectively). The third check works and he barely recovers.

The DM calls for a Bluff check to make sure that I am not recognized. I critically fail the roll with a 1. A few minutes later I submit to the guards so I am not lynched by the crowd and the DM explains how this session went completely differently than he expected it would.

The best part of the session though, was that the two caster types decided to investigate the mausoleum that I had visited. They used last sight vision and ended up having to evade a powerful lich until they could find a way out of the demiplane. It was nice to see my backstory come to (un)life by causing hell for the other party members.

The short of it is I saved another party member's life after he made a rash decision to solo the arena champion and my character was put on death row! Also, the alchemist and warlock were sucked into a memory and forced to evade a powerful lich that was included in the backstory I discussed with the DM!

[Meirnon]

I've got one... Back when I was playing my favorite halfling rogue Cade Goodbarrel (yeah, original name, I know). We just started a campaign with my friend Mike, and he does really low-magic campaigns. The lineup was this.
Cade Goodbarrel, Halfling Rogue (me)
Gimble, Gnome Bard (my little brother)
Laoutian, Human Druid (Josh) with a fox companion
Random LG ranger/fighter that acted CE (Will). Note that this is Will's typical character.
Valmari (or something like that) the half-fey something (ran by Faith, who is the aunt of my best friend and Josh's EX-girlfriend). Mike hates himself for letting her play.

So, we just got done with the first story arc, which involved us raiding a goblin cave for some reason. We were going to a town, and the mayor didn't like us or something. So, Cade went to talk to him with his really high bluff skill. By the end of it, not only did I convince him we were no real threat, but also that the Druid's companion was a dairy cow. I'm not sure how I did it... but it happened.

Also, in that same campaign I was playing another halfling Rogue named Jiffy. Him and his partner-in-crime Alton were hated in that town because of their mischief. At one point we had to carry the stupid dwarf cause he was dying, but we didn't have anything to carry him with. Jiffy and Alton went back to town, stole the door from one of the mud and straw huts from one of the houses (it's in the middle of winter, btw), and used that to carry the dwarf's near-carcass. Then when they returned it, it was put back on crooked, caked with blood, and the halflings carved caricatures of themselves into it.

Another good reason they were hated was they stole even the lint out of people's pockets. Also, they had a habit of climbing onto people's roofs and dropping in through their smoke-holes uninvited. This initiated much complaining from Herbert the Kind, who was the barkeep of town. He'd close shop, and we'd fall in through the roof.

Jiffy also killed this same Herbert the Kind. Herbert was attacked by a cultist, and in a frantic effort (and a roll of 2), Jiffy stuffed a piece of cloth into Herb's wound, killing him.

Jiffy wasn't entirely without heroics, though. He saved Joop, the party wizard, and Alton from death by fighting off cultists. The other two were unconscious and dying, and Jiffy took a crit that took off his left arm. He finished off the last cultist just as he was at 0hp... which meant he dropped right after and all three were dying. Thanks to random stabilization, though, they turned out fine. Then later, he sacrificed himself to get an again-unconscious Alton out of a burning mine-shaft. He died, Alton lost his left arm. Fun times.

[Meirnon]

Sorry for the simultaneous posts... but reminiscing has reminded me of some funny stuff.

In the campaign I'm currently in, hosted by my best friends dad, I got in a bit late, so I took control of the NPC cleric, known then as "The useless Cleric". His name was Kyrnin, and he WAS useless. Well... until I played him. Pretty much the DM hated him and tried finding ways to kill him that never succeeded.
Example #1: Before I played Kyrnin, the party was scaling a 50ft. tower. Kyrnin was the last one up, and was having a hard time climbing the rope in his half-plate. Right as he was coming through the window, he fell the 50ft. and was at -1. He stabilized, and the party continued through the tower without him. Upon coming back out and finding him STILL alive they all go "What the f***?! He's still alive? How is that possible?!"
Example #2: My first time playing we had an urban fight. Kyrnin got hit with a "hold person" spell, and the party wizard, Eldest, put him in the portable hole. Ed, our DM, didn't tell Eldest that a portable hole only has a limited amount of air (not enough for the amount of time Kyrnin would be in there, at least), and I nearly suffocated.

Well... When I started playing Kyrnin, he started becoming useful, even saving the party members a few times. Anyways, this is the part I wanted to get to...

Remember that rope incident on the tower? Well, Kyrnin has had a fear of ropes since. So, to torment him, the part gave him the magical rope they found as loot (rope of tricks or something? I'm too lazy to find my DMG and find out right now). So, let's go forward now that he has this rope.

The party is fighting a clan of were-rats inside an abandoned clock-tower, or something like that. Kyrnin is too slow to go up the stairs to catch up with the party, and there's a shaft in the middle that the party barbarian, Kune-Tear, just went up and bashed through a wall. Kyrnin takes his rope, stands in under the shaft, and commands it to straighten.... all the way up the shaft, taking him along with it. On his way up, he sees Kune standing in the hole he made to fight were-rats, and casts "Bull Strength" on his way up. So by the time everyone else is at the top of the tower, the friggen slow cleric in half-plate is already there asking "what took you so long?"
Also, in that same battle, the party druid, Himo, wildshaped into a crocodile to go back DOWNstairs... which was pointless, then went to the door of the level Kune was fighting were-rats on. It went like this.
Himo: Okay, so I go downstairs.
Ed: Okay. That takes you awhile cause crocodiles can't go down stairs.
-3 rounds later-
Himo: Okay, I open the door.
Ed: You don't have any hands.
Himo: I nudge it open.
Ed: It's locked.
Himo: WHAT?! But Kune's in there! How is it locked?
Ed: He went in through the shaft, remember?
Himo: Oh yeah...... I break the wall open.
-rolls dice and breaks a hole in the wall next to the door-
Ed: Oh my god... Himo.

Completely pointless. You couldn't understand how many times Himo does stuff like this too. It seems he just makes the dumbest plans in the party simply because he knows we won't listen to him anymore.
So yeah, now I'm playing a Dwarven Cleric from 200 years in the past (he's only about 57, thanks to temporal stasis and being pushed into the astral plane). He doesn't have to eat or drink, but he constantly cooks the meat of dead animals and enemies on the flat of his flaming axe and using "create/bless water" to create mead to eat and drink. It's even better by the fact that he has more HP than the barbarian and has somewhere around the AC of a huge dragon. He's practically invulnerable, and I still b***h every time I get hit for even a point of damage. Heck, the biggest amount of damage I took in the last session when we were fighting the practical antithesis of the party was when I fell down the stairs 5'. One other party member died from that battle and the rest were severely wounded, and I was the one complaining. The best part is I'm trying to get the rest of the party to loan me enough money to make my +1 Mithral Fullplate enchanted with "Heavy Fortification" to ensure I'm invulnerable. I a terrible player .

[Arachu]

Me: DM / Gnomish Wizard who learns spells like a Cleric for some reason

My friend: Half-Dragon, Half-Human Fighter/Sorcerer with insane gear

We've only gotten a few panels into some tomb or another (which I kind of forgot to specify the contents of ), but I made sure things got freaking weird in there.

We step in. He walks ahead of me. I bite back a grin, because I know what's around that corner.

He reaches the corner, I yell the best "WEEEUHR!!!" I've ever done, and he gets jumped by a Choker.

So, I turn my laptop with all my DnD stuff on it toward him and say "This is what you see".

So, basically, this waist-high Choker proceeds to beat the crap out of the crazy-*** half-dragon with the plate mail and bastard sword. I saved his *** with a well-timed "Duck!" and a Color Spray. We basically moved on to dismembering and burning an inexplicably catatonic Choker

Then, we realized that he had 3hp and I had 1 spell left, so I elected we sleep. I curled up in my brown robes, appearing to be a lumpy burlap bag in a corner, while he pretended to be a statue.

Whilst we... Slept (for lack of a better term), an orcish patrol (which really had no place in this dungeon ) began to investigate me. Then, a Gibbering Mouther dropped from the ceiling, ate them alive, and then promptly died for reasons I never bothered to envision.

So, basically, we woke up next to the once-living equivalent of a cesspool . And he stepped in a puddle.

Next, we entered a room. There was a very large, very dead, rotting Dire Shark in the middle of the room. He turned to me, muttered "You know something about magic... What the **** is with this???", and I just shrugged.

Then, a Dire Weasel ripped out of it (in a very Alien-like manner) and immediately disemboweled my ally. I set its eyes on fire and dragged him back to town (bowels and all).

And then, I learned that CR2 is not a viable encounter for a party of two level-two characters, despite morbid overpowering


... Next, I plan to introduce a pickpocketing dog...

[Shraik]

I played a character, a tiefling in....*gasp* 4.0........ I don't like it AT ALL WELL ANYWAY, this tiefling who was raised in the wilderness, with the guidance of his one and only friend, Chester, a mildly obese cockatiel that has colorful plumage and had to wake from branch to branch. It was eaten by a hawk one day, and made him not happy. So he hates hawks.
Because of this, he was really only used to being around birds, so his mating rituals were.... dancing and chawing(kawing?) at women. He got drunk, started doing it with his pants of.
Woke up next morning. Scored the elf chick according to the DM.

[Fenixborn]

A while ago I played a dwarf cleric while 2 other people played 2 dwarf fighters. One of the dwarf fighters had a nice set of boots that made him pretty powerful. Anyway, the DM went to attack this dwarf with the hydra queen since the fighter with the boots could have given it a fatal wound. The DM rolled the dice, and we are talking about 10 pieces of dice, and they were all ones! He just kind of stood there with a most hilarious expression on his face while we all laughed.

[X2]

Okay here's an... amusing 4th ed story. While there we're 6 party members, the group had split into three for three different concurrent sidequests (we have a very patient DM). The party members involved we're

Kildrak - Dwarven Cleric (played by me!)
Cam - Human Paladin (not played by me!)

Our monastary tasked us with retrieving their most holy amulet which was carelessly lost to the lake they hover over (the monastary is held aloft by the faith of it's inhabitants) and this was Cam's initiation test.

After some bartering with some Sahaugin using Orc meat as a bribe scource (we had an almost limitless supply from a previous battle) we had arrived to a point where we needed one clan (Redtooth) to fight another clan (Greenscale) to retrieve it.

Of course we trusted the Redtooths only as far as we could throw them so we rigged the two carts of orc flesh with an explosion method using a wand, some burning oil and a magic mouth. On these words, the cart we we're in charge of would explode.

Igglyoop - Kildrak
Ogglyoop - Cam

The idea that the Redtooths agreed to was to use ourselves as bait (the Greenscale leader had personal grievances against us) to lure them into a trap where we would pay them part of our wager and the rest when they took the amulet from the decimated Greenscale tribe. But we decided it would be safer to have an illusionist simulate our precense.

The board was set, the pieces we're in place and the plan was put into motion. The enraged Greenscales amassed on the shore and chased the false adventurers right to the rigged carts. The Redtooths showed up and for the most part help up their end of the bargain and, as per our prior agreement, we showed up to offer help. Thanks to some buffs the Greenscale attack squad was annihilated, however the Redtooths, with nothing to lose, advanced on us to take the orc meat.

We kicked the two carts into the Sahuagin who greedily lept upon them both, seeing as how the Greenscales were the ones that held the amulet we felt no need to hold any Redtooths hostages, so we both muttered our code words.

Kildrak: "Igglyoop"
Cam: "Ogglyoop"
DM: "Good job. The explosion can be heared all the way from Elven country. Orc and Sahuagin parts are basically falling from the sky."
Kildrak: "Peachy"

The only survivor got the amulet for us so in the end the sidequest was a success. But the image of exploding a cart of rotting Orc was just hilarious. I imagined that if someone came into the plot at that moment they would have no idea what the hell was going on.