Funny D&D Stories

[Vaynor]

Low level campaign, they had stopped in a town and one guy was almost level 2. He has the bright idea to kill some rats to gain a level before heading out again, and goes to the nearest basement. Keep in mind, I was running the game with the double-crit-and-you-die rule (two critical strike chance rolls, followed by a successful attack). He's on his third rat, when I roll miraculously - 20, 20, 18. I didn't have the heart to have a rat kill him, so I just reduced him to -5 and dying (the rat severed a major artery). His party saved him, but it was still hilarious.

[OverdrivePrime]

Okay, since we've got a go-ahead on non-DnD gaming stories, here's one from my silly days of playing rifts.

Back in the day, I rolled up a seriously awesome Cyberknight, named Parik Starkman. With the crazy palladium rules on rolling stats, I got him a starting strength of 28 (improved to 36 with skills), a physical prowess of 23, physical endurance in the very high 20's, and an IQ of 10. I played him like he was a combination of The Tick and Sir Galahad, always going forth against impossible odds to do his best to right wrongs and smite evil. The original intention of of the first edition Rifts Rules was that the Cyberknight would be a truly awesome combat class: very good combat abilities, minor psychic powers, sky-high hit points and then they started with cyber-armor implants.

Unfortunately, the rest of my party consisted of a superhero (formerly a juicer who whined and whined to the GM until he was allowed to use the heroes unlimited rifts conversion rules), a dragon, a mega-damage monstrosity from Atlantis that looked like a gigantic owl on steroids, a line walker who was too smart to get involved in direct combat, and a Magic Tattooed man. Basically, ol' Parik Starkman, heroic cyberknight and all-around do-gooding pile of beef, was the weakest character of the bunch, but I always played him as if he thought that he was invincible as long as he was acting on the side of justice and righteousness. This was boosted by the fact that he was one lucky SOB. Having his armor blown to smithereens just encouraged him to fight even harder and it was when Death was staring him right in the face that I consistently rolled natural 20s.

A common situation:
DM: Okay, Greg's dragon has been reduced to a regenerating tongue hiding behind some rocks, Kristen's line walker is out of PPE, Johnny Omega and Parik are trying to keep the demon busy so that everyone else can regenerate enough to get back in the fight. Johnny, what do you do?
Keith: I punch the demon in the effin' mouth!
DM: Roll it!
Keith: 34 to hit! [DM sighs] 65 mega damage to the frickin' face!
ODP: Awesome, Parik steps up with his psi-sword and slashes at the Demon's leg! 18 to hit! [DM rolls, nods that I hit] 15 mega damage!
DM: Okay, the Demon isn't happy with you guys. He power punches at Johnny Omega for a 26 to hit!
Keith: I dodge! Aw crap, I rolled a 3.
DM: So what's that come out to?
Keith: Um... a 28. Heh heh. Safe!
DM: Oh for crying out loud. Alright, the Demon then smashes at Parik with his tail! 22 to hit!
ODP: Parik takes it like a man - he needs all his attacks this round.
DM: Ooookay... 55 Damage. How much MD did your armor have left?
ODP: Hm... 34.
DM: BOOM! You're naked! You go flying back against the cliff and you've got a nasty dent in your cyber armor.
The other players, who all have vivid imaginations: Oh gods! My eyes! Put that thing away!

Next round, Johnny Omega continues fisticuffs with the Demon and hurts it some more while easily dodging. Parik picks up his NG-P7 Particle Beam Rifle with a gleam in his eye.
DM: Okay, Parik, your cyber armor is badly damaged, you're wearing nothing but bruises and no one, including the demon, is particularly happy with this situation. What do you do?
ODP: I run up, jam my rifle into the demon's belly, and unload my clip!
DM: *sigh* Alright, roll it.
ODP: Natural Frickin' 20!
DM: Woah! What's the damage on that thing?
ODP: I rolled a 4. On a d4 times 10. Multiplied by 10 for unloading the clip. Multiplied by 3 'cause I'm level 6 and I criticaled.
DM: That's.... holy #$*(&!
ODP: Twelve Hundred Damage.
DM: You are now wearing the fine, paste-like remains of the demon.
Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwww.


Parik was beaten into nekkidness so often that the DM eventually gave him magical, always-clean, indestructible boxer shorts so that no monster from the rifts would ever again have to make a horror factor check against Parik's privates.

The DM of those adventures just got married last weekend. For my best man present, he made me a beautiful, full-color comic of the story of the Magic Boxers. I laughed until I was almost sick!

[Meirnon]

Okay, I've got one from my first session of DM'ing. I just got done with a very minuscule world torn by an impending war. The players are as follows...
Derrick- A Dwarven Juggernaut (a defensive class)... can't remember his name.
Tyler- A Death Elf Manablade (a custom race of TN elves and a class that imbued it's weapons, armor, and body with elements) Can't remember his name, either.
Will- Trusius, A Human Cleric. Please note that Will is a horrible player, and much of our gaming discomfort comes from him. *sigh*
Jake-Richard Biggs, A Human Magick Brawler (a custom class that discharged spells with punches). Jake is also known as Himo, btw.
Sean-Lloyd Smith, A human Shadow Knight (A class that drained it's own life force to damage others). This is my little brother.
Eric- Thax Felgree, and Elven sorcerer. Didn't have ANY combat spells, focusing more on utility.

Anyways, this starts out with their first adventure. I set up the meeting, and the party agreed to adventure with eachother to the Ruined Monastery of Terathyll. It was going to be at least 5 days journey with a stop-over in the city of Valeloft. Will (Trusius) decided not to meet up with the adventuring party until after they were well on their way. He gave no reason WHY his character would be out that way, because he was supposedly a farmer boy (why is he a cleric then? ). Anyways, I had to allow it to keep the game going smoothly, and so the party stayed the night in Valeloft after a few days of travel. I set up a side quest where a noble-woman was robbed by a Boggle in the middle of the night near their Inn. Will decided that after he saw the scuffle that he'd jump out of his 3rd story window, then HIT ON THE NOBLE-WOMAN.

Afterwards, they went into the sewers to get the purse back, and ALL WILL DID WAS FLING SEWAGE AT THE DWARF JUGGERNAUT WITH HIS SLING. He's lucky Derrick's a stoic player, and good at playing a stoic dwarf, or else I would've let him kill Will. After they killed the boggle and got the purse back, entrusting Will to give the noble-woman her purse while they searched they layer, WILL POCKETED THE REWARD. Tyler's character saw this, but didn't care so long as he got a share of the reward. They agreed half-and-half, but Will jipped him for only about 1/5th, saying it was half. Then Will hit on the noble-woman some more, got his character laid, and got the noble-woman pregnant. Yeah. Nine months later, he was scheduled for execution, for one, and for two he bribed himself into nobility. So at great expense Trusius became a fake noble and married a noble and had a noble child. I hate Will.

Back to the adventure... The party made it all the way to Terathyll, and were fighting skeletons. Will got tired of the rest of the party "going against him" (they were using common sense... so yeah, I guess that was the opposite of Will), so he decided to take another way in the monastery catacombs alone. He was dropped by a single skeleton, and he guilted me into letting him cry out as he dropped, letting the other party members hear him and come to his rescue.

As you can tell, Will is a terrible player, and we all hate him despite being our friend. He constantly tries to derail campaigns by min-maxing his characters, cheating, and creating LG characters that act CE. We're losing amusement with his antics.

I did turn Trusius' relations with the noblewoman to my advantage, though, spawning the next set of adventures out of it.

(Please help with my new campaign setting. I've got the basics and would like help filling it out. http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=112229)

[ondonaflash]

Okay so my story was a thing my character had done.

We were in an ancient temple now being used to house an evil cult, we were fighting some bad guys, when I, the chaotic neutral Tiefling Rogue, decided to introduce a little chaos.

I wound up grappling a cultist, subduing him, biting him in the neck, and tearing out his throat. Not in the sense of a vampire, or a predator you understand, this was the in game equivalent of a real-life fight, where someone suddenly decides to drop his weapon, grab his opponent and bite his neck out. Picture it.

When I was done my companions were quite shocked, disturbed and nauseated.

[23minds]

While visiting an underground city of Asherati, our resident paladin (who is on the elderly side) was teasingly asked to keep up with his guide. This drove him to make RUNNING JUMPS down a flight of stairs. He actually pulled it off until the last step, where he tripped over his own feet, flipped in midair, and landed rather hard at the feet of his guide. After he got up and dusted himself off, he tried to regain some dignity by saying, "That is how we always go down stairs in my country." The guide looked at him disdainfully and said, "Yours must be a very stupid country."

[Gorgondantess]

Ahhh, I had a good one recently.
So, the game just began, and the group had been attacked by swarms of little flying beasties (I homebrew most of my monsters). Anyhow, the mystic theurge/necromancer goes invisible and slips into a room. It's a dead end, and because of his atrocious move silently skill and the beasties' high listen, they follow him. He gets lucky on the last roll, and manages to remain unseen... in a corner of the room, surrounded by hundreds of foot long flying leech things.
Me: "What do you do now?"
Him: "I dunno, what can I do? I'm screwed."
Me: "Listen, you have to do something."
Him: (sarcastically) "I crap my pants"
Me: "Alright, you crap your pants."
Him: Wait, uhhh....
Me: Yeah, you crap your pants. it slips under your robe and falls to the floor. the beasties all look over, and descend upon you (rolls) ripping you to pieces."
Him: "****."
Me: "Precisely."

[23minds]

We were playing in a gladiatorial game, and one of my friends was a wild mage. We fought ash winders, and he caused one of them to sprout plants all over its body. We spent the rest of the game calling that one 'leafy greens'. He also tried to get the crowd to sing in honor of the mole people. Or chant 'MOLES!'. and then later 'LEAVES!' after two of the ash worms experienced fatalities related to plant growth in unexpected and uncomfortable places, in one cases involving alchemist fire setting their shrubbery alight.

[Meirnon]

Hmm... It's not VERY funny, but this is the results of our latest session. I was playing my Dwarven Cleric/Warpriest, and we just finished a battle slaying a Yuan-Ti god last session when we left off. The rest of the party went on to the things layer through a pool of acid, and the armored dwarf, the party druid's dire wolverine (sloan), and the ranger's eagle companion (orik) stayed behind. All three of us were minding our own business when the Yuan-Ti constable, purveyor, magistrate, and chaplain came down from upstairs and attacked us. I should mention that we were here a week earlier when the god was summoned to free the sacrifices (the party barbarian's clan, actually), and pretty much slaughtered everyone in attendance, and the Wizard used his staff of fire to burn alot of the place.

So the constable and his men surround me, telling me to surrender and that I'm under arrest. I ask under what charges, and he points incredulously at their slain god's carcass... which is still laying there, and tells me for murder and for burning the place the week before. I tell him I remember no such thing and he starts stuttering. So, my dwarven cleric's surrounded by 4 Yuan-Ti with a CR much higher than his level and quite a few grunts. Then pops in the high-priest who was guiding the ceremony last time but got away thanks to a staff of passage. The DM, Ed, meant for us to fall under arrest and loose all of our loot from this encounter, so he had the high-priest cast wrack on me... what he didn't expect is a +16 will save. Thanks to the dwarven resistance to magic and my already ridiculously high wisdom and base modifiers, I shrugged off what was supposed to incapacitate me. Next round, I hasted (with boots), cast holy sword (domain), and holy smite. The next round, while hasted, I used my strength domain power and whacked the constable three times, totaling around 87 damage. After that, I was having trouble hitting, but I solved that by backing up with a full retreat (and then cast cure crit thanks to haste) behind sloan, who was ripping the faces off of the high-priest by now. The constable charged, fumbled, failed a dex check, and fell face-flat in front of me. I couldn't resist embedding my axe into his head before charging a grunt who was too afraid to do anything. So, by the time the party finished off the 4 or 5 that swam through the acid to meet the rest of the party, me and sloan finished off three high-CR yuan-ti and all but 3 grunts who surrendered... which the party barbarian and his rod of wonder (which causes us nothing but trouble...) subsequently zapped with a lightning bolt. The one survivor was hung on the parapets by his arms by the barbarian to "humiliate him". Me, being the exalted character I am, refused to heal the stupid brute after he killed my prisoners (whom I was going to treat well and perhaps even redeem). Luckily, the DM doesn't really care about exalted feats and their requirements, so I didn't lose them because of my party member's actions. One more reason to kill the Orc, I guess.

[KuReshtin]

This is a story in a GURPS campaign that I really enjoy.

The group is made up of the following people at the point of the events:

Cage, a very cocky Hunter, massively overconfident
Laney, Witch/mystic on a quest to find out what happened to all the children of her village after the village was poisoned and the children kidnapped. She is the last surviving member of her village (except for the kids)
Cappen (me), ex-thief, out to avenge the the death of his 'father', travellinga round in the guise of a storyteller/bard
Jim, ex(?)-military officer, now living the life of a farmer in the same village that Cage comes from
Sal, mage-killer, roaming the land to find evil mages and killing them, mainly. Taged along with the rest of the group for a bit of fun.


Anyways, we were trying to figure out what had happened to Laney's village and after having reported to the mayor of cage's and Jim's village, we were sent to give this report to the Duke in the capital. On the way, we were also told that we'd find a mage that could help us analyse a few bits and bobs that we'd picked up along the way up to this point.
When we arrived in the village, where the mage was, we found that village totally deserted and no signs of life apart from lights in a few of the mage's tower and a large bonfire in the middle of the village.
We headed to the mage's tower to investigate, and accidentally set off a trap that caused us to jump around in time by a few minutes or hours every time we closed a door behind us.
Before we'd figured that out, the team had been split up into three groups, with Sal and Cappen in one group, Jim and Laney in one and Cage by himself.

Sal and Cappen were trying to find out what happened in the tower's kitchen from the outside since they'd seen movement in the kitchen, and had figured that they couldn't go in through the door to check it or they'd be shifted to sometime else, so they found a ladder and with Sal steadying the ladder at ground level, Cappen climbed up and looked in through the window. In the kitchen, he could see a woman that he'd not seen before, pottering around, looking as if she was cooking. Since she was the only sign of life they'd seen since they got to the village, he tried to get her attention by knocking on the window, but she didn't seem to hear it at all. He started hitting the window even harder but to no avail. She didn't even acknowledge him.
Then he saw her pick up a cat and seemed to talk to it and pet it a bit, and all of a sudden, the cat turns it's head and looks straight at Cappen and it's eyes go a bright demonic red and it starts to hiss.
At this point, the DM asks me to roll a fright check, as Cappen's not prepared at all for this, and I fail miserably with the save against the fright check.
This has the effect that involuntarily, Cappen takes a step back from where he's standing.
On a ladder.
Two stories up.
With his buddy directly beneath him holding the ladder.

We ended up with Sal dislocating his shoulder from having Cappen come tumbling down the ladder and not being able to get out of the way in time, while cappen dislocated his knee and could barely walk.

of course, being adventurers as they were, they couldn't tell their friends that they were injured from Cappen falling down a ladder, so after the whole group had managed to reassemble again, and Cage had told a tale about him fighting a big demon cat, I thought up a story on the fly describing how Capen and Sal had been injured fighting a similar demon cat and got injured during the fight, but we'd still been able to drive him off.
Since everyone else had been in the room and heard what had atually happened, they enjoyed my story a whole lot as it was definitely within character of my guy to tell stories.
Well, everyone except the guy playing Cage liked it. He decided to prove me wrong instead, up until the time the DM reminded him that he wasn't actually there (or indeed then) when it happened, so for all he knew, the story was the truth.

[Extra_Crispy]

I have a few stories but 2 come to mind right now.

A friend of mine ALWAYS played a dwarf, only recently has he branced out to play other things like a half orc. Anyway, I was running a AD&D session a long time ago and looking over the character sheets I noticed that the dwarf bought a 10lb block of butter. I asked him why and he said that you never know when it would come in handy. Needless to say later in the adventure when the giant crab attacked them near an underground lake, the butter came in handy.

In a different adventure I was running, same guy playing a different dwarf, but still bought the 10lb block of butter. The party was set to defend a village from a huge horde of Kobolds that were on their way to raid. They got the whole town into the inn and then placed some walls of force around the inn to protect it. Everyone decided to get on top of the inn and shoot arrows or spells at the army to thin the ranks, all except the dwarven fighter as he refused to use a bow. He stood to the side of the inn on the ground thinking that he would just kill kobolds by the truck load. Everything was going good for him untill the Kobolds got so numerous that they basically tidal waved over him and bore him down, they were about to drag him away and there was nothing he could do. One of the other players had prepared a few arrows with conduit (I think that was the spell name), this spell allows you to place another spell into an item that stays untill the item is used, distroyed, etc. The other spell, fireball. Knowing the dwarf had a ring of fire resistance and LOTS of hp, he shot the dwarf with the arrow, causing the fireball to go off and kill all the Kobolds around the dwarf, and hurt the dwarf as he failed his reflex save (he was basically held and did not get a save) but just bairly hurt him. As were the rules in that edition since he failed his save all his items had to save also or be destroyed. I think he lost a potion or two, and of course heat and 10lbs of butter dont mix. The butter melted and covered the dwarf, causing him to not be able to stand up anymore let alone attack, but also not allowing the Kobolds to grab him and carry him away.

[OverdrivePrime]

So the constable and his men surround me, telling me to surrender and that I'm under arrest. I ask under what charges, and he points incredulously at their slain god's carcass... which is still laying there, and tells me for murder and for burning the place the week before. I tell him I remember no such thing and he starts stuttering.

Wait, you and your crew just committed deicide and these crazy Yuan-ti politicos wanted to arrest you? I would have politely reminded them that someone capable of deicide is just as easily capable of genocide. Either way, that's hilarious in itself.

[Meirnon]

Wait, you and your crew just committed deicide and these crazy Yuan-ti politicos wanted to arrest you? I would have politely reminded them that someone capable of deicide is just as easily capable of genocide. Either way, that's hilarious in itself.

Heehee... Artifacts are fun like that.

[Meirnon]

So I'm playing a halfling rogue (again), in a no/low-magic campaign where you're lucky to get 1 mwk item even at level 9. Anyways...

There's the two dwarves, a man that's actually a woman, a crazy old man who happens to be a wizard, and me, along with an NPC band of mercenaries. The party isn't really friends... in fact, only the dwarves have any long-standing relationship with eachother. One, named Ebert, is extremely stupid and can't speak common. The other more reasonable one, Einkil, has pretty much given up on Ebert, especially as a translator. An example, is this conversation with a travelling bard.

Ebert (In dwarven): Hey, you're one of them ******y types, right?
Einkil: You suck [censored]?
Bard: Wha- what?
Einkil: He said, you suck [censored]?
Bard: What kind of question is that?
Ebert: God, what a flaming queer. He's a queer, right?
Einkil: Yea, I guess so.
Ebert: *punches bard*

When I went to talk to Ebert to try to get him to come with us and the band of mercenaries (that he already didn't like), here's how it went....

Mylo (me): Heya, you two are dwarves, ri-
Einkil: I wouldn't talk to him... he's in a foul mood. He's always in a foul mood. All he ever does is drink and kill stuff. I hate being his translator, cause one way or another it just ends up in me telling someone they're gonna die.
Mylo: Bu-
Einkil: Look... Just leave, because this isn't gonna end up well, and none of us are going to like the results. Not me, not you... well, maybe Ebert. I think it's because his wife left him a long time ago that he's always so moody.
Ebert: What's he saying?
Einkil: Shut up. I told you that you needed to learn to speak the language of the humans, because that's what everyone else speaks. But no, you decided to stay and drink.
Ebert: Oh, good. I thought you were telling him that story of "my wife leaving me again".

Anyways, this is pretty much the entire session. Sure, it mostly seems like nonsense, but it actually gets us somewhere, and we're all in pain from the laughing.


Anyways, don't cry thread necro please, cause it's so close to the necro marker and this just happened recently... besides, there's tons of stories to be said, and looking through this brings a big smile and often a chuckle to players.

[Ricky S]

Our party was meant to rescue an old man from a mansion. So we rush in killing bad guys left right and centre, when we get into the room with the old man we were meant to rescue, the assassin tripped stabbed his torch into the old man igniting him. The old man proceeds to run out of the room and sets the rest of the house on fire before dying while screaming at the top of his lungs. This of course alerts the city guard who rush into the house. So the wizard has the bright idea of escaping by the roof. We make our way to the top. To escape, the wizard casts fly, myself (a cleric of fharlaghn) casts fly, the assassin dimension doors down and the warrior stands there with no way to get down. The wizard pushes him off the 4 storey building. Not only does he surivive the fall with no damage but he kills 3 peasants and covered in blood runs past the city guard who just stand there shocked as the little fat dwarf runs past. The assassin lands in the middle of a group of guards rolls a 1 for his bluff save and is promptly arrested.

[Andre Fairchilde]

Anyways, don't cry thread necro please, cause it's so close to the necro marker and this just happened recently... besides, there's tons of stories to be said, and looking through this brings a big smile and often a chuckle to players.

I'd never cry thread necro, I LOVE these stories!

[Meirnon]

I'd never cry thread necro, I LOVE these stories!

I do, too, which is why I dun want this to get locked just cause it got shuffled under the doormat.

***EDIT***
I think I can hear the broom going to work on it right now

[Extra_Crispy]

Sorry not a D&D story but as one of my favorite card games when Legend of the 5 rings became a RPG also grabbed up the book and started a game right away. Others have GMed it but I have done it the most. Anyway I have 2 stories from L5R. L5R is a d10 based game. You roll d10's equal to the revelant trait (str, reflexes ect) plus the skill keeping the # of dice equal to your trait. If you roll a 10 you roll it again and add it to the ten, tens keep exploding as long as you keep rolling them.

The first adventure I ran, right after it became a RPG was full of mistakes and stupid but funny situations. At one point the party was below ground fighting some Ogres that were near a obsidian alter. On the alter was a sword that, after killing the ogres, flew up and animated one of the ogre bodies, which proceded to fight them again. After chopping the ogre to tiny little bits so it could not get back up the party watched in horror as the sword went to the other ogre and animated it. They were very hurt and did not know what to do to stop the sword. So one player decided to attack the solid obsidian alter with his katana.

Pl- What is the target number to hit the alter
me- its an alter tn 5
Pl - ok 3 raises for damage
I had another player watch his damage roll while I delt with the others and the ogre. I looked up to see the other player slack jawed/
Me- so what is your damage
Pl- 134. (that was on only keep 4 dice)
I rulled that he actually chipped the alter but also broke his sword and his wrists. Later after so other incredible rolling by the sugenja player the sun goddess came down and cleaned the area out for them, melting the bad sword. Everyone else that was alive ran, he stood there looking at his broken sword, his family sword. The sun goddess came over and told him he had to run.
Pl - (looking up at her with this very sad puppy dog look) I broke my sword.
We laughed so hard we cried.

Much later when 3rd ed came out for L5R I was running a game with 6 people one of which was from the Tsuruchi clan (spelling is off) I clan of bowmen that are known to be some of the greatest bowmen in all the lands. He was scouting ahead of the rest of the party and ran into some bandits. To warn the party he pulled a humming bulb arrow, a arrow that whistles. It actually has a damage rating on it but minimal amouts, it is a 0k1 (with strength he and special abilities he was rolling 3 dice keeping only 1). Instead of launching it into the air to raise the alarm he shot it at one of the bandits. After watching him roll a total of over 40 damage on 1 dice everyone started calling him the humming bulb killer. In that game he ended up doing that same stunt multiple times, killing about 5 different people.

[Lord Loss]

The PCs were in a zombie infested town, when, at the beginning of the second encounter, they found a huge pile barrels in a zombie covered oxcart. After killing the zombies , the party (a half-dragon (a green, but he wanted to spit fire so I let him have a fire breath weapon), a Paladin, and a Shadowcaster) stood beside them. The paladin was about to open them when:

The half dragon, scared that they contain a zombie, uses his breath weapon on them. 12+ Huge explosions. TPK

[ebs2323]

one of my players is a packrat, and on one of our first adventurses my players went through a traped hallway so i put some dead rotting corpses as a warning. they ignored them so my packrat players grabs the the bodys (who happens to have the gnome cleric in his backpackt becuse his player couldn't make it) and throws them ahead to try and trigger traps which it did. he keep them and uses them to test for traps. still has the cleric too...

[Malachite_Drago]

"I thrust my bloody junk into his face and scream "HELP MEEEEE!"

OH... OH GOD.
Oh my god I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT THIS. I can see it so easily in my head! oh cripes... My sides hurt...

Oooh....

Ok, I think I can breathe now...

Ok... Yeah, I'm good.

Ahem. Unfortunately I"ve never played a D&D or other tabletop RPG myself; I deeply want to, though. My dad has plenty of stories of his own, though, so I'll just post those 'til I can post a few of my own :P Most of them aren't D&D, though, but I'll post those in the other 'funny RPG stories' section since this one is specifically D&D as far as I can tell.

Now, if I recall correctly...
My dad had a wizard who had just learned Dark Lightning (Some gambit that required him to become Death's assistant. It's complicated and he doesn't remember all the details. Said wizard later got sent through a time warp and became a freaking DRAGON, but that's another story.)
Now, their DM had a habit of giving them these magical items at the end of every quest, but they had to find out for themselves what it was the item did. So one guy gets an enchanted staff! Decides to ditch his old one since he uses staffs primarily anyway, and on they merily go.

A BEAST APPEARS! A bear of some sort, my memory is a little fuzzy, but the man with the staff gets the first round. He runs up to it and starts beating on it with the staff... but for some reason it isn't working...
Every time he hits the bear it keeps getting bigger...
and stronger...
and healthier...

Turns out it was a HEALING STAFF
Cue whole party "OH S***! *ESCAPE*"

_______________
Just got through reading the thread so I retract what I said earlier about only being able to post D&D stories! WOO! MY REPERTIORE IS OPEN!

Now, a few of my favorites.

It's a game of Battletech, my dad is in his beloved Battlemaster. He loves the thing to death to this day; The rear-facing laser in the back saved his *** more then once. Only modification he made to it was to replace the SRM-8 with an LRM-10. (Reasonably sure the rear-facing Medium Lasers come standard... Correct me if I'm wrong please, I've never played it myself! I already have my own custom Hatchetman all rolled up but that's neither here nor there.)

Now, if I recall the mission correctly... The DM had in mind for them to get out of their mechs, sneak into the facility, crack into a safe containing something or other (He told me this story when I was like 9 years ago, you're lucky I remember what kind of mech he used) and then sneak out within a certain time limit or else a nuclear explosion would wipe everyone out.

Now, my dad (and I, having inherited this talent) has a thing for... lateral thinking, shall we say.

His two companions get out of their mechs, look up at him, "You comin'?"
"Nope!"
Proceeds to run in his mech into the compound, smashes the mech's hand through the building, PICKS UP THE SAFE (and most of the room it was in), and hauls *** to the extraction point like a football player making a streak to the endzone.

Mission Complete

Another common occurance in my dad's Battlemaster; he affectionately called his LRM-10 his Magic Missile.
Why, you may wonder?
Well, he had this talent (which sadly I did not inherit) for rolling natural 20's exactly when he needed them.
The Magic Missile breaks down like this:
He fires his missiles at an enemy 'mech... Lets say a Mad Cat. Hulking bruisers, twin PPCs (Particle Projection Cannons) in the arms, machine guns and missiles out the arse... Nasty business if you didn't know what you were doing.

My dad unloads a bunch of LRM's at the thing; for the sake of narrative, lets say that one connects.
He rolls for damage, comes up natural 20. (I could be wrong again, I don't know the mechanics, but I know how it ends even if I dont know how.)

The missile pierces every scrap of the Mad Cat's chest armor and explodes its Fusion Engine.
KABOOM!
And a one-hit kill for my dad.

He got a bit of a talking to after it happened the third time...

[Zephykinns]

Okay, so our party comes up to a bridge that crosses a chasm. We all look and I (The local shadow dancing ninja) discover that the planks for the bridge are too weak for anyone to cross. So we all decide to try going across the ropes. I made it just fine. As we got to our less nimble party members, our Bard decides to give it a try. She makes it about half way until a gust of wind knocks her off. Our fighter, clad in full plate and tower shield, ties a rope across himself and jumps off the cliff. He activates his ring of feather fall and he glides like a flying squirrel, catches the bard, and held on until our barbarian could pull them up. I, both in and out of character, couldn't stop laughing.

[Belkarsbadside1]

I am a DM in a low level 3.5 campaign and one of my players is playing a hobo ex adventurer binder. Some of the things he's done

Interrupt an angry ranting god to tell her that her speech is very "generic" and should be spiced up. The god mind raped him in responce.

Claims to have graduated from hobo university and his tinfoil hat is his diploma. He has created his backstory based around this and we're about to delve into this in my game.

He has also swam through rivers of sewage to invade a thieves guild.

He has also manged to get the vestige of fochalor(I believe that is him) pissed off at him by summoning him with said mentioned sewer water.

I have another player in a different game who was a ranger. This is what he did whenever he encountered a door.

Me: You find a wooden door

Him: I sense motive on it.

Me: Huh? Why?

Him: I need to know if that door is really a door or not. It could be lying and be a window or not open into a room.

He took favored enemy (door) and has believed in the elemental plane of doors.

[Lioness]

I can only remember two funny stories, but I promise more after our next session.

The first one is definitive proof that the dice Gods do exist, and that they have an epic sense of humour.
Our cleric was casting a spell he didn't have enough dice for, so he asks around the table, 'Hey, guys, can I borrow some D6?'
Naturally, we all rush to assure him that he should use our dice, because they are better than everyone else's. Then the DM leans over and says, 'Look, you should really use my dice, they always roll well. See?'

The DM then proceeds to roll 5 dice, with the result: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1.
A 1/46656 chance, if my maths is correct (which is probably isn't)

The next story also involves the cleric. We were in a ship, and our ship had been attacked by something, I forget what. So anyway, the Cleric is fighting, and it grapples him and throws him into a door.

DM: 'Congratulations Himel, you just broke down the door of the [extremely self-assured] female first mate and crew member (there were two of them)'
'They are just waking up from their sleep - you woke them up - and are looking very angry' (This isn't the first time he's *cough* annoyed them.)

Himel: I make a spot check.

DM: 'Oh, sorry, you fail. You see nothing at all. And now the girls are even angrier.'

Oh, and one more I forgot until just then. Not funny as such, but fun to play.

DM decided he would put our skills into perspective, so he put our 4 level 7 characters (Wizard, Ninja, Ranger, Duskblade) against 50 peasants. It took...2 rounds? And only because the peasants kept gathering around my friends, so I couldn't fireball them.
Still, I took out 27.

[Katana_Geldar]

I haven't played D&D either, but I do have a few SW ones and ones from a friend.

I'll throw in the D&D ones, as the SW ones are rather few as I have just started.

My friend had this Barbarian named Hacker who was extremely suspicious of magic. The Wizard had fallen down a hole and was unconcious and hacker went to go and get him. Down the hole, Hacker saw the spellbook and realised this is where magic comes from. He leaves the book down the hole and climbs up with the wizard. Then, he throws down a torch....

Another one he told me was when he was DMing and the party had somehow captured the High Priest of Orcus and teleported out of the Temple to some other area, yet another member of the party was left behind.
The High Priest's soul was switched with one of the characters, but before it could happen the High Priest called out to Orcus to help him. My friend explained to me that there's a one on five chance of Orcus showing up, probably on a Natural 20 (I don't know the details).
The ritual was complete, the party teleported out leaving behind the body of the party member with the High Priest's soul inside. One round later, Orcus shows up, doesn't recognise his High Priest and annihilates him.
One round later, the missing party member teleports in, right where Orcus is. Orcus takes him...where he generally goes.

Best thing about it? It all resided on the dice, not the plot.

[Trobby]

Okay, I have a few stories to share, and I know not everyone is going to want to read each one. So for ease of reading, I'm putting each one in a spoiler tag and giving it a name.

Spoiler

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First, to properly enjoy this story, you need to know a few things.

1. This was my first DnD campaign ever, so I had no idea what to expect.

2. Our party consisted of the following characters:

*A female paladin with a fairly large knife in her chest from the very first battle ever had (one that I unfortunately missed)
*A Samurai (Samurai class and everything) who would, eventually, commit seppuku when he could not defend his homeland. (A sad tale, but not one I will list here.)
*A Gnomish Rogue, who my own character hated intensely for doing my job far, far better than I ever could
*A sorcerer, who would eventually become plot-relevant
*A dwarven Cleric, complete with beer-soaked beard
*Me, a halfling rogue with way too much confidence

Our first session involved raiding a bandit camp to save a girl who may or may not have been the mayor's daughter (and who would become the cohort for our Paladin). Then we headed South, and along the way, were attacked by a raiding party of goblins. There were very typical goblins and, by all accounts, we should have mopped the floor with them.

Our Paladin could not hit a goblin to save her life, and I couldn't even get close enough to attack any of them. The DM saw that we were going to die if he let them actually flank our party, so rather than let this happen, he made the goblins very, very stupid. These goblins, you see, were wielding weapons designed for medium-sized creatures, and coming at us through a passage that was just big enough for a goblin, but not big enough for them AND their large weapons.

The goblins, like raccoons trying to get honey out of a log, would not lower their weapons, and proceeded to clumbsly amble towards us.

But we were still losing, literally rolling natural 1s over and over, stumbling over each other like fools.

And then a rock came down, out of nowhere, and crushed half the goblins.

The diety of our cleric, St. Cuthberg, spoke directly to us.

DM (St. Cuthberg): You have a great destiny to uphold, but while I was looking down upon my cleric, I realized that you all suck! So I had to help you beat these puny goblins. I hope you're happy.

And that is how our DM had to bail us out on a random encounter, that we, by all rights, should've won easily.

Oh, and my Halfling was at negative HP by the end of the fight. This was the second time this had happened during the campaign. Keep this in mind.

Spoiler

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Now, our party needed Adamantium from the South because, through an NPC, it was revealed that we would need some to fight the golems our sorcerer's evil twin brother was making. The dwarves who had the Adamantium minds informed us that the caves were infested with snakes, so naturally, we ran in and cleared out the caves (well, THEY cleared out the caves. My 20ft movement rate kept me firmly in the back of the party, doing bugger all). Afterwards, there was a conflict over whether or not we would get the Adamantium, and this exchange occured.

DM (Dwarf King): I'm sorry, we just cannah' give ye' tha' adamantium.
Paladin: In that case, I challenge your weakest warrior to a duel!
Gnome: I accept the challenge!
DM (Dwarf King): Uh...very well! Your Gnome will fight our weakest warrior!

After much confusion, and drawing of a circle, our Gnome went toe-to-toe with essentially the Dwarven equivalent of a book worm. With the house rules in play, every failed hit allowed a fighter to make a counter-attack. This was an unarmed battle, and the opponent made a lot of AoOs because she (Yes, she) had Imp. Unarmed Strike, and our Gnome did not. Much cheering ensued, and eventually, both fighters managed to knock each other out. Then the Dwarf King approached us.

DM (Dwarf King): Well lads...I must admit...that is easily the sissiest fight I have e'er seen. Me lads will be laughin' at tha' one fer' weeks. But I cannah' in my right mind give ye' all this Adamantium. So, we're gonna get ourselves reeeeally really drunk, and THEN I'll give it to 'ya.

And after a drunken night of Dwarf Partying, during which our Gnome may or may not have had a one-night stand with the same Dwarf, we left with our metal to find smiths who could shape it into weapons. (I'm...not exactly sure why the Dwarfs couldn't do it, but for some reason, the Paladin insisted that we go to some random island on the map)

Spoiler

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It occurs to me that I forgot to mention our Wizard. We had one, and he had a Tower Shield. An Animated Tower Shield. That he would use to fly overhead and drop alchemic fire on our enemies. And he would use Ghost Sounds to make it sound like a flatulent dragon was invading the bandit camp. Yeah...he's that kind of player. No, it doesn't have much to do with this story. But I feel I should mention him, if only for completion sake.

Okay, so on this island, we find that the place we were going to has been invaded by Drow, totally taken over. Breaking through their defenses (and my rogue entirely missing the one session where he could've helped disarm some traps), we find ourselves outside of a human battle camp. We need to find out what's going on, so they send my rogue out to investigate.

I'm very new at this, remember. And I don't always make the smartest of choices.

So...this happens.

Me: Okay, I sneak into the camp and find the tent with the most official-looking people.
DM: You mean the Generals?
Me: Er...yea, let's go with that.
DM: Okay, you find their tent. They're discussing battle tactics and-
Me: I knock.
DM: ...What?
Me: I knock on the tent door.
Paladin Player: What, do you just knock on the tent flap?
Me: No I...I knock on the wooden part.
DM: You're knocking, in the middle of a Battle Camp?
Me: Yeah, what's wrong with that?
DM: ...*Sigh* Okay, everyone inside turns around and spots you. The General yells out "SPY!", and you are descended upon by everybody in the tent.
Me: Oh...er...do I-
DM: You're completely dead, a bloody spot in the corner of the tent.
Paladin Player: ...Ouch, man.

So, lesson learned. Never try to knock on the door to a battle tent. <.<;

Spoiler

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My next character was a bit more creative...I rolled some pretty good stats, so I figured I'd give a neglected race a chance: A half-Orc. But not just any half-orc, a Half-Orc Monk! Strong as an Ox, Fast as a Steed, Wise as an Owl...

And an intelligence of 6.

Yeeah...so they told us to go into the nearby encampment where a Drow Sorceress was keeping dangerous magical beasts (Or something...), and we went into the first room, and fought some skeletons. By then, our Gnome Rogue had left us, and had been replaced by a Warmage. So then...

Warmage: Okay, I search the nearby desk.
DM: Hmm...you find inside a few gold coins and a big brass key.
Warmage: *Pockets the coins for herself* Hey, I found this key! Maybe it'll open the other door!
Paladin: Well...let's give it to Gesan. He's pretty tough. If there's anything on the other side, he can take the first hit.
Warmage: Okay. *Giving Gesan the Key* Now Gesan, I want you to go and open that door.
Gesan: *nods* Okay. GESAN SMASH!!
Paladin: No, wait!
*Roll- Natural 20*
DM: ...Um....okay, so the door shatters into splinters. Way to go.
Paladin: B-But...but we had a key...and...and that key was probably to open that door...and...and now we'll never know if...aaaaugh!

From then on, they made sure to give me the key, and to make me USE the key when entering a door.

Gesan went on to become a half-orc who could sing. Yes, you heard me. The Monk class has Perform as a class ability, and my Half-Orc monk learned to sing. Pretty damn well, too.

And that is why my first campaign in DnD was the best campaign ever.

[GallóglachMaxim]

Two stories about the Burning Hands spell, and the odd consequences of using it.

In the game I DM online, party is clearing off Assassin Vines that attacked their boat

Cleric: Ok, one left. Burning Hands! -fwoosh-
Me: Alright then -rolls for the obvious consequence- yep, you set the boat on fire.
Cleric: Awww
Everyone else: Damnit!
Sorcerer: -runs to get a bucket to put out the fire-
Cleric: No, I'll handle this -create water, dumped onto deck fire-
Me: -more bad outcome rolls- Well, you put out the fire, unfortunately dumping sixteen gallons of water onto the already fire-damaged deck has smashed a hole in it.
Everyone else: -considers throwing cleric overboard-

From one of the games I played in, we have just climbed out of a cyclops' larder, and our fighter decided to go all 'nobody attacked me' on our host and stab him in the eye.

DM: The cyclops, blind, is groping around the cave searching for you.
Cleric: -fwoosh-
DM: The cyclops' loincloth has caught fire. He tries to beat it out -rolls- looks concerned -rolls- ok...the cyclops has just punched himself in the crotch to death!

[Katana_Geldar]

Heh, heh, heh. Setting things on fire is fun when I'm behind the screen, as fire is so unpredictable and can do whatever I like.

One of my players in the Star Wars saga has a flamethrower, that I am tossing up between taking it off him or lettng him have it as it is rather funny.

One time, he fired it at a protocol droid that happened to be on a ship they were searching.
Me: The droid catches on fire, running back and forward screaming "Help! Help! Help!"
Another player: I grab the blanket from the bed and throw it over the droid.
Me: The droid falls but the blanket is synthetic, melting and sticking to the droid.

And then there was the time he tried to disembowel a dead PC in the middle of the forest. Naturally, this attracted the attention of animals. Naturally, he used his flamethrower. And naturally, I quoted Smokey the Bear.
He had to get the astromech droid to put the fire out for him.

[Lioness]

Two stories about the Burning Hands spell, and the odd consequences of using it.

In the game I DM online, party is clearing off Assassin Vines that attacked their boat

Cleric: Ok, one left. Burning Hands! -fwoosh-
Me: Alright then -rolls for the obvious consequence- yep, you set the boat on fire.
Cleric: Awww
Everyone else: Damnit!
Sorcerer: -runs to get a bucket to put out the fire-
Cleric: No, I'll handle this -create water, dumped onto deck fire-
Me: -more bad outcome rolls- Well, you put out the fire, unfortunately dumping sixteen gallons of water onto the already fire-damaged deck has smashed a hole in it.
Everyone else: -considers throwing cleric overboard-

Are you by any chance playing the Savage Tides campaign?

Because the exact same thing happened to us, but they were everywhere. I, the slightly insane wizard, cast fireball. It kills them, and also sets the boat on fire. Before it could do damage, I create water. It put the fire out, but our DM was feeling nice and didn't put a hole in the ship.
Our ship is now damaged beyond immediate repair anyway, thanks to a failed sailing check and a reef.

[GallóglachMaxim]

Are you by any chance playing the Savage Tides campaign?

Because the exact same thing happened to us, but they were everywhere. I, the slightly insane wizard, cast fireball. It kills them, and also sets the boat on fire. Before it could do damage, I create water. It put the fire out, but our DM was feeling nice and didn't put a hole in the ship.
Our ship is now damaged beyond immediate repair anyway, thanks to a failed sailing check and a reef.

Nope, it's a homebrew campaign, but I've been known to have ideas that turn out to be things I read of somewhere else and forgot about. Although even if that wasn't what happened here, it's a really weird coincidence.

And I wasn't meaning to be mean, I looked up how much the water she dumped on the deck weighed (128lb, as it was) and figured it was worth rolling to see it that damaged the boat.

[Lioness]

Nope, it's a homebrew campaign, but I've been known to have ideas that turn out to be things I read of somewhere else and forgot about. Although even if that wasn't what happened here, it's a really weird coincidence.

And I wasn't meaning to be mean, I looked up how much the water she dumped on the deck weighed (128lb, as it was) and figured it was worth rolling to see it that damaged the boat.

Ok then.

With the water...eve if he had decided it would break the ship, I probably would've modified my 'I dump water on the ship' to 'I dump just enough water to put the flames out, spread over a wide enough area so as to not break anything big'

He doesn't like it when I do that.