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This is very very good. I agree with Teej, first word that pops to mind (apart from 'wow') is intriguing. The neutral viewpoint works really well with the content, though I rather suspect that knowing the game system would make a huge difference in knowing what the heck is going on. I was a bit confused about who the two sides were and why they were fighting, but I figure that's just because I don't know the system. If I did, I think it would make a lot more sense. And in a way, it works not knowing. Your descriptions are evocative and reactive. I can see the type of lightening that acts as a hammer in the sky.
Probably my biggest point of confusion was when you switched to Winter and had them talking about hitting a hobgoblin. Earlier in the snippet I got the distinct impression that everyone involved in Summer was human.
Short version: the Host of a Thousand Princes is an army of the Gentry and their thralls, and is essentially the apocalypse in a can. The Lost, former humans enslaved by the Gentry (and escaped from them) are all that stand between the world and total subjugation by the Fairest of Lands.
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Language-wise, this sentence is probably the only thing I'd change. I have a pet peeve about sentences that have the same word in close proximity. I would change this to say "... at the park on Magnolia Crescent."
Good point ^_^
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I have to say - no idea what's going on, but your skill at writing is such that I don't really care. As long as you keep writing
Yay! Any sections stand out as particularly good/evocative?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilingsworth
Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
No it won't, because TV Tropes will ruin your life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord_Gareth
Yay! Any sections stand out as particularly good/evocative?
The third paragraph (Even the Blind...) was the first one that really struck me - the descriptions of the weather were very good, almost Tolkien-esque. Reminds me of The Hobbit where he describes the stone giants being out in a thunderstorm and the sound of the rocks they were throwing at each other. Which I have always read as actually happening, but also a description of how bad the storm was.
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Originally Posted by big teej
so....
this WAS going to be a post including the background of a pbp character Marc Thornbrood, a Lawful Incarnate.
and so I wrote it.
and I realized.....
I dont' write so well while I'm tired, so I have a great outline to work with.
something by the skulltaker might get written tomorrow in GPS however.
I don't write well when I'm tired either... that's the main reason I haven't written anything lately.
I forgot to tell you I liked the short intro you posted the other day - it was a nice little teaser. And GPS? You're going to write in a Global Positioning System?
__________________
There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
I forgot to tell you I liked the short intro you posted the other day - it was a nice little teaser. And GPS? You're going to write in a Global Positioning System?
thanks ^_^ I thought it would spark interest.
GPS - Global Perspectives in Scripture.
an oh-so-wonderful! required class 'offered' at wingate university.
I can barely understand my teacher, and the 'notes' we get in class are..... less than helpful. so I just read the textbook and fill out the study guides and I do okay.
for the record, I have to take this course every semester until my senior year.
go me!
-scurries off to write something-
the snippet is proceeding wonderfully, but I have to finish it later.
just how did Cog Skulltaker get his axe?
Spoiler
My Axe you say? Well, I suppose that is one of the earliest adventures I’m still able to recall. And it’s as good a place to start as any.
It was in another time…. Another place…. Probably another world, I lose track of where things are. When you travel like I do, you forget things.
Probably for the best anyhow.
My axe though…. The man chuckles.
I remember it was just after Talvar had died…
“I still don’t see why we didn’t bring his body back.” The witch hunter, my erstwhile “employer” grumbled while adjusting the buckles on his spiked gauntlet. “Because,” I replied, “he was a trusted comrade, even if he did die on the first go. And deserved to lay where he fell. Besides, we had no idea what other magic we could have set off if we’d tried to move him. Also, I’m bigger than you.” Standing at six foot six and weight almost 300 lbs. I greatly out massed the next largest man in the party, the witch-hunter. My other surviving companion was a sorcerer even dumber and more impulsive than the witch hunter. A tiny thing, barely the strength to carry all his gear.
I despise them both.
“I figure we can make it back to the city by tomorrow afternoon, I say we make camp here.” I say. The witch-hunter speaks up. “But if we can make it there so soon, why not just press on through the night?” The sorcerer chimes in, whining “yea. A nice warm bed and a wholesome wench to pass the cold hours.”
I despise them both.
“Because,” I say with exaggerated patience, as if explaining things to a child. “The city gates close at nightfall, and I’m not one for camping out under the eyes of the guards, liable to wake up naked if we wake up at all.”
They quickly acquiesce.
-Sigh- truly my people should have swept this land away eons ago, if all southlanders are as dumb as this. I am a Barbarian! Aye a truly phenomenal specimen of my people. But not so grand as to utterly outclass my fellows.
The next day, we continued on to the city. As we approached the city gates the guards began to look rather… panicked and some drew weapons.
“Ho there! what business have you in the city?”
Rather perplexed by their reaction, I respond “I would rest within the city, and conduct trade in your markets.”
The guards looked at each other doubtfully.
“Dressed as you are?” one asks “completely covered in gore?”
Oh. I look down at myself, my armor is indeed, soaked in blood, more than a few bits of dried blood cover my bare arms as well. I turn to my companions, the witch-hunter is similarly filthy and even the sorcerer has blood splattered to the sides of his face from when he stood to close to my work.
I turn back to the guards. “Ahhh, we are merely humble adventurers returning from an…. Adventure” I call to them.
Sudden understanding appears in their eyes, and the guards relax. “Enter then, oh bold adventurers” he says with only the slightest hint of sarcasm.
As we enter the city, I ask the guards “whereabouts in your fair city can I find a mage?” The man promptly gives me directions to (what had better be) the mages quarter. Most likely to get the stench of my companions and I away from his nose.
“I think the axe can wait at least until we’ve all bathed eh Cog?” The witch hunter asks me. “Yes, yes it can. “ I reply.
We had found an axe in the dungeon that the sorcerer had identified as magic, though he’d been unable to tell us anymore. Useless quill-pusher.
Having bathed and purchased a cleaner set of armor. We proceeded to the mage quarter.
Wasn’t that hard to find, all the bloody towers rising up everywhere.
Bloody quill-pushers. I think to myself with an exasperated sigh.
I walk up to the door of the nearest tower and knock. Perhaps more forcefully than is polite.
No response….
I knock again, definitely louder than is necessary this time.
No answer.
“Maybe he’s not home…” the sorcerer offers.
I glare at him and proceed to the next tower.
-thump thump thump-
A reedy voice answers me.
“Yes… what do you want?”
“We have a magical axe that we would like a mage to take a look at” I say through the door before my companions can stuff their feet in their mouths.
“Fine, fine, fine, come in.” I push open the door and immediately my hackles begin to rise at the ambient presence of magic.
A tiny man, even thinner and more sickly looking than the sorcerer stands before us, despite his obvious frailty he can’t be much older than me. “How can I help you?” he asks in a nasally voice.
“We have this magic axe we found, we want to know what it does.” I inform him.
“Ah yes, my master said this would be a suitable trial for my skills with enchantments, let me see the weapon.”
Ah, now we’re getting somewhere! I hand him the magic axe and watch him take it over to a nearby workbench. He sets the axe down and begins to chant while dusting it with a strange powder.
“The magic in this axe is leaking, but I can bind what is left of the weapon into a new axe.” He announces after a few moments chanting.
I stride forward, unlimbering my great axe and hand it to the mage.
I love that axe, family heirloom. Forged by my great grand-pappy, and carried by my forefathers into battle ever since,
The mage took my axe and laid it on top of the axe already on the bench; he began to chant faster, and slowly grew in volume, waving his arms about and throwing powder everywhere like a loony.
Bloody quill pushers…
As I watched, something horrid and fascinating happened right before my very eyes. My axe…. Sank, into the magical one, I saw the metal of the magic axe flow and bubble as it ran into a new shape…. The shape of MY AXE!
What has he done to it!?
The man stops chanting and I snatch my great-axe off the bench, examining it for damage.
“What did you do!? “ I howl at him.
“It was a rather simple procedure… the magic was leaking from its vessel, so I broke both it and the vessel into their component parts and grafted them into your axe. You’re axe will not make ‘echo blows’ whenever you land a hit on an enemy.”
Intriguing…
“Thank you wizard… you are a credit to your art.”
I turned to my companions with my axe held ready.
“Let’s go find something to kill…. soon”
EDIT:
hey guys, double feature, I just wrote this one for a play by post character... it was super rushed, so it's probably not up to par, feel free to critique so that I may tweak.
Marc's background - second draft
Spoiler
Dawn…
Time to rise.
I roll out of my bed and walk over to my mirror. I look at the image that greets me. A human, and yet so much more, I six and a half feet tall. My hair as black as the coals I use to heat my forge. My eyes as deep a blue as the sapphire gems that incrust the more…. Decorative pieces I create. From the backs of my legs and arms, and along my backbone grow rows of spines. They are a very deep navy blue and excessively sharp.
I think I’ll make a trip to the book store before I start on my work today, he told me he should have some new books in by now. I buckle on my breastplate and take up my mace and my pack. Might as well look professional I think to myself.
I left my house, also the place of my work, and proceeded across the city to Ned’s Books. A quaint little place, full of one of the greatest treasures known to the material plane.
Books, duh.
As I walk through the busy city streets, I contemplate the work I must get done today… I need to put the finishing touches on Lord Thornbrood’s birthday present, a great sword with numerous gems encrusted in the hilt and a few along the blade. And that peacock’s glorified sewing needle. Ugh.
Ah, here we are. Ned’s books.
I enter the store and begin poking around when I run into Ned. “Marc, nice seeing you again.” He greets me. “I believe I’ve found a tome that you’ll have quite a bit of interest in. It contains many archaic and innovative forging techniques. “
This intrigued me.
“May I see the book?” I asked.
“Of course, in fact, you can take it home with you for a few days and see if you can put any of it to use, if you want it, we can discuss price later. Here it is.”
From behind his desk he pulled out a large tome. It was incredibly old. It had a large emerald set into its center; it was clenched between the stylized jaws of a skull, with rubies set in its eye sockets. On the skulls forehead was engraved a symbol in mother of pearl. A hammer and anvil.
“Thanks Ned, I’ll take a look at this tonight.”
Carrying the book under my arm, I head back to my shop. Leafing through it on the way, I take a quick glance up to check my path. I take a left and proceed through the stylized archways that mark the entrances to each alley. Knowing that this alley is basically a straight shot back to my shop, I look back down to the book. Turning the page, these techniques are incredibly complex.
I stumble and look up as I catch my balance…..
Something is very, very wrong…. The city…. It stretches up into the sky…..
Where am I?
I look behind me.
The alley is gone….
“I have a feeling Lord Thornbrood’s birthday present is going to be a little late” I say to myself as I slip the book into my pack.
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Cookie Jar: 1
teej has quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
Well, as much as it sucks having Silver dead, I'm really enjoying her replacement! This snippet was short and sweet, and incredibly enjoyable. I loved all the little details that Terryn used throughout it. She has a very distinctive voice that sort of reminds me of secret agents. I'm looking forward to learning more about her, especially her relationship with Lester and Silver. I'm really curious to see how things go for Terryn from here. Fantastic work!
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Originally Posted by Lord_Gareth
The Host of a Thousand Princes Or: Endgame
Dude, you are such a master. I love how this story really just throws the reader right into the thick of things! The way you mention all the parts of the world, like the organizations and locations, without really going into detail about them creates a very nice sense of displacement and really captures the feel of a world that is right in the middle of some groundbreaking events. Though granted, it could get a little confusing at times.
In contrast, the physical details, such as the soldiers nervously clutching their weapons, were absolutely magnificent. They always felt really crisp and natural, and had a great flow that just made them a pleasure to read. My favorite though, had to be the description of the sniper girl. Something about the neutral way her appearance and emotions were described really hit home for me, and I felt like that was the most powerful scene in the snippet.
All in all, I felt the snippet was just incredible. Definitely one of my favorites. I'm really looking forward to reading Spring and Autumn!
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Originally Posted by big teej
just how did Cog Skulltaker get his axe?
This one is just too good! Cog Skulltaker is a great character, and he probably has the coolest name in this thread! The Skulltaker has a very prominent and distinctive voice, which lends itself very well to the reminiscing style of the narrative and the way he constantly voices his opinions to the reader.
The snippet was incredibly entertaining, and I especially loved all the little details in his interactions with the other characters. My favorite part, though, had to be when he meets the guards while covered in blood. That part had me in hysterics! Awesome work!
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
Marc's background - second draft
This one was really interesting. I love how it starts off with a relatively mundane morning routine, and suddenly takes off into something much more at the end. That was very well executed and quite interesting! I also enjoyed how Marc loves books and has a casual relationship with the bookstore owner. Those details really seemed to mesh for me and made Marc seem a lot more realistic. So great job there!
However, the story did feel a little like it was rushed. Some of sentences, particularly this one in the beginning:
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Originally Posted by big teej
A human, and yet so much more, I six and a half feet tall.
were just awkward to read and pulled the reader out of the story. I would probably go over it real quick just to see if it could be streamlined a bit. I feel that that would really help turn this snippet from a good one into a great one!
Also, sorry for disappearing for so long! I had a lot going on with schoolwork, my math final, and visiting colleges, and my internet has been spotty at best as of late, so it's been difficult to keep up with the snippets.
On the bright side, inspiration has once again returned to me, and I've got a lot of great ideas for stories! The only problem is, I have so much inspiration, I've kind of been flitting back and forth between them and not really finishing anything...
Anyway, enough of my excuses! I actually have one snippet finished! One very short, kind of forced snippet, but it serves as a sort of starting point for this cascade of very important snippets, so it's kind of necessary.
This one's about Natalia.
Before the Battle
(or It's difficult to come up with a name for this one)
Spoiler
A chill went down my spine as I set foot on the drawbridge. It was still dark out, and the freezing fall winds were blowing more strongly than ever. Behind me, I heard the tramp of the Imperial soldiers as they took their formations. They were the Emperor’s finest. They were the bravest men in the country. And now, they were my army.
This was it.
The Crownbreaker tents seemed to cross the whole horizon. There had to be thousands of them. Maybe even more. And they were just a few mere miles away. The red glow of their campfires bled into the early morning clouds like some horrific gash in the sky.
Varen grasped my hand.
“Are you going to be alright?” I could feel the tension in his hand as he slid his fingers through mine. He was scared. Scared for me, that idiot. I would be fine! He should've known that I could take care of myself by now!
But still, it was sweet in a Varen sort of way, and I did want to comfort him. To let him know that everything would be alright in the end.
“Of course,” I gave him a little smile. “Why wouldn’t I be? There’s nothing to worry about. We’ll both be fine!” I tried to sound confident and reassuring, but my words felt more hollow than anything. Hell, I guess I was a little worried too. Still, he seemed to appreciate the sentiment.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” I groaned in mock irritation. “Just watch out for yourself, you big dummy!” I laughed as I gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
Then the sky exploded.
From out of the Crownbreaker camps rose a giant column of flame, filling the air and landscape in blood red light. And out of that column came scores upon scores of dark, fiendish shapes. Their twisted bodies crowded the sky, and their unearthly shrieks filled the air.
“Are-Are those demons?!” Varen gasped in shock.
“Looks like it,” I muttered grimly, trying to keep my own emotions in check.
DAMN! This was bad! This was very bad!
Those were new!
So yeah. Also, here are some of the other ideas for snippets I have that I need to work on. If you have any preferences for what should come next, please let me know so I can better focus myself.
Spoiler
-The Siege of Festungberg: Varen fights in a siege
-Two Too Tall: Varen meets some dwarves -Eat Your Heart Out: Natalia vs. The Hearteater
-You're Awfully Small for a Sociopath: Abigail finds out who's been stealing all the goods from the town
-There Is No Legal Term To Properly Describe The Magnitude Of What You Have Done: Abigail keeps getting in trouble with the law (takes place WAY after the events I've covered) -Legacy: Tavor meets the most important person in his life
-Tears in the Desert:Why Tavor wants to go home
-Caravan: Tavor meets the party
-Another Day, Another Felony: New character! Richard Sykes, steampunk pirate sniper with an unintentionally offensive Cockney/Stereotypical British/Aussie/Who Knows accent.
Okay, that's it. Sorry for the walls upon walls of text.
Last edited by Machuchang : 04-18-2011 at 09:49 PM.
This one is just too good! Cog Skulltaker is a great character, and he probably has the coolest name in this thread! The Skulltaker has a very prominent and distinctive voice, which lends itself very well to the reminiscing style of the narrative and the way he constantly voices his opinions to the reader.
The snippet was incredibly entertaining, and I especially loved all the little details in his interactions with the other characters. My favorite part, though, had to be when he meets the guards while covered in blood. That part had me in hysterics! Awesome work!
This one was really interesting. I love how it starts off with a relatively mundane morning routine, and suddenly takes off into something much more at the end. That was very well executed and quite interesting! I also enjoyed how Marc loves books and has a casual relationship with the bookstore owner. Those details really seemed to mesh for me and made Marc seem a lot more realistic. So great job there!
However, the story did feel a little like it was rushed. Some of sentences, particularly this one in the beginning:
were just awkward to read and pulled the reader out of the story. I would probably go over it real quick just to see if it could be streamlined a bit. I feel that that would really help turn this snippet from a good one into a great one!
.
didn't get a chance to read your snippets (I'm about to crash... I needz sleeps)
anyways. your comments about Cog are much appreciated, -warm and fuzzy-
I was worried it was going to feel rushed. I found out everyone else in the pbp was waiting on my backrgound, so I churned it out in about 15-30 minutes. I'm happy it turned out as well as it did given how fast I wrote it.
however, that line you pointed out, the whole first paragraph, was a direct copy-paste from the 'uber rough draft' that I wrote..... the night before last, and was essentially a super rough outline,
eh, that's what I get....
there will probably be a second snippet for Marc coming up super-soon... after all, I forgot to shape his soulmelds in the last one.
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my awesome knight riding a bulette avatar was made by smuchmuch
Cookie Jar: 1
teej has quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
Dude, you are such a master. I love how this story really just throws the reader right into the thick of things! The way you mention all the parts of the world, like the organizations and locations, without really going into detail about them creates a very nice sense of displacement and really captures the feel of a world that is right in the middle of some groundbreaking events. Though granted, it could get a little confusing at times.
D'aaaw. If I do more Changeling snippets, I'll work world information into it.
Quote:
In contrast, the physical details, such as the soldiers nervously clutching their weapons, were absolutely magnificent. They always felt really crisp and natural, and had a great flow that just made them a pleasure to read. My favorite though, had to be the description of the sniper girl. Something about the neutral way her appearance and emotions were described really hit home for me, and I felt like that was the most powerful scene in the snippet.
All in all, I felt the snippet was just incredible. Definitely one of my favorites. I'm really looking forward to reading Spring and Autumn!
I look forward to writing them :D And don't worry, I'm not done with Sarah yet.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilingsworth
Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
for the record, I have to take this course every semester until my senior year.
go me!
Awww, that sucks. It sounds fascinating. I did a similar paper at uni just for the fun of it, and I really enjoyed it. Though the lecturer really enjoyed the teaching of it, which made a huge difference.
anyway...
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
just how did Cog Skulltaker get his axe?
Eeeee, Planeswalking barbarian! I've been looking forward to this for ages!
I really enjoyed it I loved his "Also, I'm bigger than you" response to the witch-hunter - I loved how reasonable he was and that he had some really good reasons for leaving the body alone, and then it was all "besides I'm bigger'n you "
Also the repetition of "I despise them both". It worked really well, an extremely simple statement, but the reptition gave it depth and feeling. What's Cog's int stat? Because he sounds a lot smarter than your average barbarian...
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
-Sigh- truly my people should have swept this land away eons ago, if all southlanders are as dumb as this. I am a Barbarian! Aye a truly phenomenal specimen of my people. But not so grand as to utterly outclass my fellows.
First piece of criticism... this isn't the best paragraph I'm afraid. Writing things like sighs can be tricky because there isn't really any sound that you can type out, like you can for something like a cry of pain or something ("ahhhhh" works well for instance). Sighs work best if you describe it as an action, like "I sighed, a massive exhalation of frustration - truly my people should have..." that's not the best example of my writing, but it gets the point across.
The blood and guts were a lovely touch - something that we don't often think about while playing the game - just how often do Adventurers bathe? Also Cog's response to the guards "We're uh- adventurers. We're back from an Adventure" loved Adventure with a capital I don't know if it was intentional but it works as a wonderful little D&D in-joke. "Duh, we're adventurers, of course we're covered in crap, we've just come back from an adventure. It's what we do."
I also liked the way you described what happened to his axe and how the two melted together. It made a nice picture in my mind and looked rather - pretty actually. The only thing that seemed odd to me was that the wizard never asked for any sort of payment for his services. Maybe I'm just too used to playing the game where everyone expects payment, but it just seemed a little odd that he didn't even ask them to go around telling people of his prowess at least.
Also enjoyed Cog's "we need to kill something - soon" at the end. The man might be smart, but don't make the mistake of thinking he's not a barbarian
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
Marc's background - second draft
I like this one. Second the book thing - it's these little touches that make characters more real.
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
I roll out of my bed and walk over to my mirror. I look at the image that greets me. A human, and yet so much more, I six and a half feet tall. My hair as black as the coals I use to heat my forge. My eyes as deep a blue as the sapphire gems that incrust the more…. Decorative pieces I create. From the backs of my legs and arms, and along my backbone grow rows of spines. They are a very deep navy blue and excessively sharp.
Yeah, the 'human...' sentence isn't the best, but I don't think it'd be hard to fix...
"A human and yet, so much more - at six and a half feet tall, my hair as black as the coals I use to heat my forge; my eyes as deep a blue..."
I love the way he's so unruffled - even when he suddenly realises he's not in Kansas any more - all he's saying is "oh well" and putting the book away, not stressed, not worried. And I like the depiction of how he ended up as an adventurer - not out for honour or glory, just after a good book
Fix that first paragraph and you've got a winner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Well, as much as it sucks having Silver dead, I'm really enjoying her replacement! This snippet was short and sweet, and incredibly enjoyable. I loved all the little details that Terryn used throughout it. She has a very distinctive voice that sort of reminds me of secret agents. I'm looking forward to learning more about her, especially her relationship with Lester and Silver. I'm really curious to see how things go for Terryn from here. Fantastic work!
Thanks Next session is Sunday and that may signal the end for Terryn - alas, she's fun to play. Peregrine said she'd only be around for as long as it takes us to get what we need to raise Silver, and that it would only be a couple of sessions - but it took us a while to get moving last session (mostly my fault) so it may end up being a tad longer. Which I hope.
I had originally intended that snippet to include Terryn leaving the bar and following them, but that would have necesitated a severe change in the narrative voice that I think would have lessened the impact of the first part, so I left it as is. I was going to go back and add a little extra bit to the end, that would have worked, but I can't remember what it was!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Before the Battle
(or It's difficult to come up with a name for this one)
I don't think this one is as forced as you think it is. I agree that it's not as smooth as your other work and that you've done ones that are better, but it doesn't come across as forced to me. Not as polished perhaps, but it still moves smoothly.
At a guess, I'd say you had trouble coming up with a good ending - because that's the part that sounds the most forced to me. The 'sky exploded' part was very good, I find that type of sudden change hard to write, because it's a very visual thing - the idea that people are just sitting chatting then something massive happens to shake things up, but you did it very well. I found everything from Varen's reaction til the end a bit forced though... perhaps because it seems out of character for Varen.
From the other snippets you've written about him, both from his PoV and Natalia's, he doesn't seem the type to be that shaken over the appearance of demons. You're a paladin - smite them and be done with it Seriously though, he came across as sounding really quite shaken and freaked out, which just seems out of character for him. He's always come across as very solid and unflappable. I suppose that this could simply be the point where he flaps, but it still jars a bit. I keep thinking that something like "Are those demons?" Varen demanded flatly, would seem more in keeping with his character. At least, as I percieve it - and we all know I'm utterly in love with Varen anyway
A man who can face down a half-orange splatbook-monstrosity and still stand at the end of it should be tougher than that
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Tears in the Desert:Why Tavor wants to go home
I pick this one. I've been curious about the reasons behind this since you first introduced him.
And I have an idea bubbling around in my head for a new Terryn snippet. And I'm sorry Machuchang - I still haven't finished the Lyra one I promised you! She is being a real little witch and almost impossible to write at the moment. Not helped by the fact that I have a MASSIVE sleep debt right now...
__________________
There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Awww, that sucks. It sounds fascinating. I did a similar paper at uni just for the fun of it, and I really enjoyed it. Though the lecturer really enjoyed the teaching of it, which made a huge difference.
anyway...
well, so far I've taken it twice, first time around was workable, this time around is just......
bleh.
imagine a class suming up every social studies and ancient history class you've had since elementary school....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Eeeee, Planeswalking barbarian! I've been looking forward to this for ages!
I live to please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I really enjoyed it I loved his "Also, I'm bigger than you" response to the witch-hunter - I loved how reasonable he was and that he had some really good reasons for leaving the body alone, and then it was all "besides I'm bigger'n you "
fun fact: it was true in and out of character
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Also the repetition of "I despise them both". It worked really well, an extremely simple statement, but the reptition gave it depth and feeling. What's Cog's int stat? Because he sounds a lot smarter than your average barbarian...
The Skulltaker's current stats are....
3rd level xx Barbarian (alignment ranges from CE to TN depending on campaign and party needs)
his stats are....
strength - 18
dexterity - 17
constitution - 17
intelligence - 15
wisdom - 12
charisma - 9
easily one of the best stat-blocks I've ever rolled, and the best I've ever been able to play with.
so he is indeed much smarter than the average barbarian.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
First piece of criticism... this isn't the best paragraph I'm afraid. Writing things like sighs can be tricky because there isn't really any sound that you can type out, like you can for something like a cry of pain or something ("ahhhhh" works well for instance). Sighs work best if you describe it as an action, like "I sighed, a massive exhalation of frustration - truly my people should have..." that's not the best example of my writing, but it gets the point across.
yea, in hindsight, I don't know why I wrote "-sigh-" must have been too caught up in remembering...
yea, I'm gonna blame it on that.
I appreciate you pointing that out, I do need to fix that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
The blood and guts were a lovely touch - something that we don't often think about while playing the game - just how often do Adventurers bathe? Also Cog's response to the guards "We're uh- adventurers. We're back from an Adventure" loved Adventure with a capital I don't know if it was intentional but it works as a wonderful little D&D in-joke. "Duh, we're adventurers, of course we're covered in crap, we've just come back from an adventure. It's what we do."
I remember this moment fondly, the DM caught us completely off guard when the ... guards. stopped us over that.
never had a DM account for that before.
it was great.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I also liked the way you described what happened to his axe and how the two melted together. It made a nice picture in my mind and looked rather - pretty actually. The only thing that seemed odd to me was that the wizard never asked for any sort of payment for his services. Maybe I'm just too used to playing the game where everyone expects payment, but it just seemed a little odd that he didn't even ask them to go around telling people of his prowess at least.
aha, you've got me on that one.... I don't even remember what/if the mage had us pay him, and had completely forgotten about it... I probably should edit that so it doesn't jar to badly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Also enjoyed Cog's "we need to kill something - soon" at the end. The man might be smart, but don't make the mistake of thinking he's not a barbarian
another fun fact.
we were ambushed by -plot- assassins like 5 real life minutes after leaving the mage.
but yea, Cog's a barbarian to the core.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I like this one. Second the book thing - it's these little touches that make characters more real.
Yeah, the 'human...' sentence isn't the best, but I don't think it'd be hard to fix...
"A human and yet, so much more - at six and a half feet tall, my hair as black as the coals I use to heat my forge; my eyes as deep a blue..."
yea.... somebody else pointed that out too me(multiple somebodys now actually) and I'll be honest, it was a copy paste from a (very) rough draft I wrote at like 3 am.
didn't catch it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I love the way he's so unruffled - even when he suddenly realises he's not in Kansas any more - all he's saying is "oh well" and putting the book away, not stressed, not worried. And I like the depiction of how he ended up as an adventurer - not out for honour or glory, just after a good book
Fix that first paragraph and you've got a winner.
hm.... apparently I need to work on my tone.... I was hoping for more of a "what the heck....?" and/or slowly growing alarm feel...
case in point, here's a little blurb from his play by post.
-internal monlouge-
Spoiler
"...surely I must be dreaming... a two headed giant is serving me tea!.... and I asked it for more sugar!!! who are these people? why are they all so calm? good grief the city curls up into the SKY!
calm...
don't start rattling your spines.
calm.
just sit tight and wait it out.... learn more before you ask questions...
pray to the sweet lady that you're still asleep at home....
failing that...
maybe there's a good bookstore nearby.
...
these people are crazy!
no
books
think.
books.
why did this woman pick me?
[/quote]
but I digress.
thankyou for your criticisms and your praises... as soon as I get this paper done, I might write another snippet for marc about meldshaping.
so... I'm writing my paper... and listening to music...
and now I have another skulltaker snippet churning through my skull.
if you're curious, inspiration rose up from the sound of Cloven Hoof's "gates of gehenna"
so, coming soon*
"My first skull"
and
"preparing for battle, shaping my soulmelds"
*as soon as I have time to write.
__________________
my awesome knight riding a bulette avatar was made by smuchmuch
Cookie Jar: 1
teej has quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
imagine a class suming up every social studies and ancient history class you've had since elementary school....
... I gotta admit... that sounds like fun to me
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
*awesome stats*
Wow... that's - awesome
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
I remember this moment fondly, the DM caught us completely off guard when the ... guards. stopped us over that.
never had a DM account for that before.
it was great.
So the 'uh, we're adventurers. We're adventuring' was totally natural
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
hm.... apparently I need to work on my tone.... I was hoping for more of a "what the heck....?" and/or slowly growing alarm feel...
Interesting, because it doesn't read that way. I went back and re-read just in case it was me, because let's face it, I'm struggling to stay awake right now. I would suggest bringing in some more of that internal monologue you posted. I realise that it's from a different time (from the sounds of it), but some of his 'just think about the books' I think would be easily transferrable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
so, coming soon*
"My first skull"
and
"preparing for battle, shaping my soulmelds"
*as soon as I have time to write.
Whooo!
__________________
There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
I don't think this one is as forced as you think it is. I agree that it's not as smooth as your other work and that you've done ones that are better, but it doesn't come across as forced to me. Not as polished perhaps, but it still moves smoothly.
At a guess, I'd say you had trouble coming up with a good ending - because that's the part that sounds the most forced to me. The 'sky exploded' part was very good, I find that type of sudden change hard to write, because it's a very visual thing - the idea that people are just sitting chatting then something massive happens to shake things up, but you did it very well.
Well, thank you.
But you totally caught me. I had no idea how to convey the ending, since in-game the battle started as soon as the demons arrived. As for the 'sky exploded' part, I'm very glad you liked it, because I felt like I had a lot of trouble conveying it. I'm a very visual person, so whenever I write a highly visual scene, it never exactly matches what's in my head, so I always end up struggling to keep it vivid without falling into purple prose. It's really good to know that what I had there worked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I found everything from Varen's reaction til the end a bit forced though... perhaps because it seems out of character for Varen.
From the other snippets you've written about him, both from his PoV and Natalia's, he doesn't seem the type to be that shaken over the appearance of demons. You're a paladin - smite them and be done with it Seriously though, he came across as sounding really quite shaken and freaked out, which just seems out of character for him. He's always come across as very solid and unflappable. I suppose that this could simply be the point where he flaps, but it still jars a bit. I keep thinking that something like "Are those demons?" Varen demanded flatly, would seem more in keeping with his character. At least, as I percieve it - and we all know I'm utterly in love with Varen anyway
A man who can face down a half-orange splatbook-monstrosity and still stand at the end of it should be tougher than that
Varen's reaction toward the demons, at least as I intended, wasn't really fear so much as astonishment. Out of all the times he had faced the Crownbreakers before, he had never seen them summon demons, and had never seen them in such large numbers. As for the 'nervousness' before, that was more directed toward Natalia's safety than any fear for himself, not that Natalia could tell. Still, I should have found some way to incorporate that into the story, or to at least insinuate it...
And to be fair, the dialogue was totally forced. This scene happened a long time ago, and I really struggled to remember what was said and what happened, and I guess I tried just a little too hard to reconstruct the scene exactly as it occurred, which definitely gave it a sort of forced feel. But lesson learned; I definitely won't do that next time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I pick this one. I've been curious about the reasons behind this since you first introduced him.
Perfect! I had a feeling you would pick that one! Expect it soon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
And I have an idea bubbling around in my head for a new Terryn snippet. And I'm sorry Machuchang - I still haven't finished the Lyra one I promised you! She is being a real little witch and almost impossible to write at the moment. Not helped by the fact that I have a MASSIVE sleep debt right now...
No worries! I'm willing to wait as long as it takes.
Last edited by Machuchang : 04-15-2011 at 04:51 PM.
but the class feels like it is quite literally a grade school class thrown into the college level, both in terms of depth and tone.
Ahhh... yeah I can see how that would be annoying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
But you totally caught me. I had no idea how to convey the ending, since in-game the battle started as soon as the demons arrived. As for the 'sky exploded' part, I'm very glad you liked it, because I felt like I had a lot of trouble conveying it. I'm a very visual person, so whenever I write a highly visual scene, it never exactly matches what's in my head, so I always end up struggling to keep it vivid without falling into purple prose. It's really good to know that what I had there worked.
Really? Go me
Honestly, as I was writing I was thinking "eh, you're probably wrong, that was probably the part he was happy with and you're barking up a gum tree". It's kinda nice to know my critiquing is getting better as well.
Battle-stuff - that's why I write such copious notes. It means that I can write out battle scenes and the lead up without too much hassle. I do however, tend to draw out the battles round by round (using little stick figures because I can't draw to save myself) to make it clearer. At higher levels at least, our battles tend to be fairly involved and it's tricky to keep everything clear without some sort of visual.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Varen's reaction toward the demons, at least as I intended, wasn't really fear so much as astonishment. Out of all the times he had faced the Crownbreakers before, he had never seen them summon demons, and had never seen them in such large numbers. As for the 'nervousness' before, that was more directed toward Natalia's safety than any fear for himself, not that Natalia could tell. Still, I should have found some way to incorporate that into the story, or to at least insinuate it...
Ahhh... I read it again and I could see what you meant about it being surprise. I'm not sure what it was - I think it was the combination of the stuttering 'are are' combined with the 'gasped' that struck me as more fearful than surprised. Maybe adding a simpled 'stunned' to the end of the sentence would make it clearer that he's not so much afraid as going 'what the hell?!'
And I think you're short-changing Natalia She knows Varen, she loves him - and you're trying to tell me she couldn't tell (or at least guess) that he was being (over)protective?
And I apologise if I offend you - in case you can't tell, I'm quite fond of these two
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
This scene happened a long time ago, and I really struggled to remember what was said and what happened, and I guess I tried just a little to hard to reconstruct the scene exactly as it occurred, which definitely gave it a sort of forced feel. But lesson learned; I definitely won't do that next time.
Do what I do... don't bother trying If I've got a scene that I can't remember exactly what was said or what happened - or if in game, we didn't do a lot of roleplaying and pretty much just jumped straight to the action, I don't try to remember what happened. I just make it up. I know the various characters well enough to have a feel for what they'd say and do, so I just make stuff up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Perfect! I had a feeling you would pick that one! Expect it soon.
Sweeeeet...
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
at the risk of being off topic...
I'm glad the posting rate has picked back up here.
Me too but it's not my fault! I'd post here every day if there was stuff to post about ... okay so I've got writer's block at the moment, so it's at least partly my fault.
__________________
There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
I come bearing snippet! And one that doesn't end mid-session this time!
Not the Holiest of Retribution
or I guess he's a Paladin of Pelor, sort of.
Spoiler
Virei looked up at the walls surrounding the town. Things have certainly changed since we last visited, he thought. Escorting the brewer had been a pleasant break from the escapades which he’d become accustomed to since the king had sent him with Mirale and Joe. Virei’s golden eyes swept across the area, checking for any last minute threats. His hair, pure white despite him being just shy of 30, ruffled in the light breeze. He scratched at the beard he’d grown to avoid recognition as an escaped “demon”.
A heavy cloak hung about him, hiding the white plates of his armor as he walked past the guards and into the town. The wine merchant paid them, giving them a few bottles of very pure alcohol as well as some decent wine. It was a Tuesday. After some discussion with Joe, they decided to stay until the service on Sunday, after which they’d make a hasty exit. The days passed quickly, spent researching runes and actually relaxing for once.
And then came Sunday morning. The bells rang, calling the town to the church for a service. Mirale had decided not to be a part of the plan, citing “heresy” and “foolishness”. Virei slung a very over-sized hammer under his gray cloak and belted his sword on his hip. Joe strapped on the device which powered his strange cannon and the two stuffed some oil-soaked rags into the necks of the bottles of alcohol, which were hung from their belts. Thus prepared, they left the inn they were staying at and walked to the church. Tilting his head for a moment, Joe discerned that Bishop Fals was in the midst of his sermon, making it a good moment for a surprise entrance. Virei readied the hammer and the two men burst through the doors.
“Bishop Fals! We have something we’d like to discuss with you!” Virei boomed, grinning slightly at the confusion of the gathered townsfolk.
“Well, I’m in the middle of a service, couldn’t thi-“ the bishop began to speak, and Virei cut him off. “Exactly! We want to make sure that this matter gets plenty of attention.” Virei hurled the hammer through the air and into the altar, smashing it into splinters. The townsfolk began to panic and rush out of the church. Joe and Virei mostly ignored them, wading through the panicking folk to the front of the church.
“What on Earth are you doing?” the bishop cried. Virei gave him a flat look. “Do you not remember us, bishop?” he asked rather politely. Fals shook his head, fear apparent on his face. Virei grabbed the front of his robe, lifted the bishop with one hand and pulled his face close and looked him in the eyes. “Perhaps you can remember more clearly now?” Virei’s voice, though polite in tone, was dripping with anger.
“Y-y-you! But… How?” the bishop began babbling as four guards, members of the Crimson Flame, arrived. They leveled their weapons at Virei, who tossed aside the bishop, and Joe. “Surrender peacefully or we’ll shoot!” one particularly brave one said. Virei chuckled and walked to the remains of the altar and retrieved his hammer, replacing it under his cloak. Four loud cracks rang out behind him, and a sharp pain struck his shoulder as a metal ball buried itself in his flesh. Joe lit one of the bottles and tossed it at the guards, somehow lighting all four on fire, along with some of the church.
With the guards thoroughly distracted by their inability to put themselves out, the two men tossed a couple more of their improvised ignition tools around the church, lighting a nice blaze. Virei picked up the quivering Fals and tromped outside, with Joe following close behind. As they left, the front of the church collapsed outward. Virei drew a knife and shoved it into a piece of burning wood.
“Now, Fals, I want you to remember this lesson very, very clearly. You have very little knowledge of the world. Teleportation is one of the most common uses of magic. People who aren’t demons use it very, very often. So, before you throw three forthcoming travelers in jail for being demons since they teleported, think of me.” Virei spoke quietly and slowly, making sure Fals could understand every word. He pulled the dagger, with its blade now a nice cheery red, from the wood.
Fals screams rang around the village.
As Virei and Joe walked away from Fals, who was now clutching his right eye socket and screaming in pain, Virei snorted. “What?” asked Joe. “I think Mirale is going to be mad. There was a carving of Sehanine in there.”
“Oops.”
Virei Goldeneyes is my character, a paladin of Pelor. Joe McBob is our ranger and the gadget guy. Mirale is the cleric.
And this is the most disturbing thing I've done as any character, and I'm kind of wondering if I need to double check how I'm role-playing Virei.
__________________
Some men just want to watch the world shift uncomfortably in its seat.
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kylarra
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
I happen to like screwing around with Handle Animal.
Red Mage, is that you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawhide
Now you're cranking it up to eleven.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimonite
A week ago, I didn't know who you were. Now I know: you're the BEST PERSON EVER.
Quote:
Originally Posted by noparlpf
You seem to be having trouble with the idea that a rulebook can contradict itself, because it shouldn't, but...WotC.
Absolatar by Teutonic Knight.
Last edited by absolmorph : 04-15-2011 at 05:03 AM.
Not the Holiest of Retribution
or I guess he's a Paladin of Pelor, sort of.
Yikes! This one was dark! But I really enjoyed it. I loved the fight sequences, and the images they inspired really reminded of action movies, with the burning church collapsing and the throwing of weapons and people. It was just awesome! I'm really curious about what events actually led up to all of the drama and violence that occurred in this snippet too! What could possibly have been done to Virei that would turn him into a such a vengeful figure? I don't know, but I'd love to find out!
The snippet could get a little difficult to read at times though. I think it could really be improved by just clearing up the syntax a little, such as with this line:
Quote:
They leveled their weapons at Virei, who tossed aside the bishop, and Joe.
Also when a new person speaks, start a new paragraph. That will really clear things up and make the story as a whole a lot easier to read.
Overall, I felt that you did a great job, and I'd love to read more!
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
The Skulltaker's current stats are....
3rd level xx Barbarian (alignment ranges from CE to TN depending on campaign and party needs)
his stats are....
strength - 18
dexterity - 17
constitution - 17
intelligence - 15
wisdom - 12
charisma - 9
easily one of the best stat-blocks I've ever rolled, and the best I've ever been able to play with.
so he is indeed much smarter than the average barbarian.
Dude! Nice stats! I can't blame you for wanting to keep playing him!
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
hm.... apparently I need to work on my tone.... I was hoping for more of a "what the heck....?" and/or slowly growing alarm feel...
case in point, here's a little blurb from his play by post.
-internal monlouge-
Haha! I love it! That's quite a trippy scenario there, and Marc's response to it all is just so very entertaining!
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
so... I'm writing my paper... and listening to music...
and now I have another skulltaker snippet churning through my skull.
if you're curious, inspiration rose up from the sound of Cloven Hoof's "gates of gehenna"
so, coming soon*
"My first skull"
and
"preparing for battle, shaping my soulmelds"
*as soon as I have time to write.
Looking forward to them both! And thanks for introducing me to an awesome new band!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Ahhh... I read it again and I could see what you meant about it being surprise. I'm not sure what it was - I think it was the combination of the stuttering 'are are' combined with the 'gasped' that struck me as more fearful than surprised. Maybe adding a simpled 'stunned' to the end of the sentence would make it clearer that he's not so much afraid as going 'what the hell?!'
D'oh! That's perfect! Why didn't I think of that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
And I think you're short-changing Natalia She knows Varen, she loves him - and you're trying to tell me she couldn't tell (or at least guess) that he was being (over)protective?
And I apologise if I offend you - in case you can't tell, I'm quite fond of these two
Yeah, I guess I am shortchanging her a bit, huh? When I have trouble writing (like in this one), I try to stick to some of the more prominent aspects of my characters. In Natalia's case, one of these traits is her difficulty with reading people. But you're totally right. She does love Varen, and has known him for most of her life, so being able to pick up on his actual feelings should have been second nature to her. I will definitely fix that.
I'm not offended it the slightest, and I apologize if I was coming off that way! In fact, I'm really thrilled that my work has made enough of an impression for you to notice when things don't seem quite right. I love seeing how you view my characters, and I really appreciate you telling me how I can make things better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Sweeeeet...
You don't say! This one, I actually feel really good about! It felt like it flowed really naturally when I wrote it, and I didn't struggle to come up with dialogue or descriptions. So yay!
But since this one needs a little bit of context, you get a bonus snippet too! Yay!
Legacy
Spoiler
I was more frightened than I had ever been in my life.
Adina clenched my hand like a vise, her screams ringing in my ears. Sweat covered her brow, and her once tanned skin had become pale. In between screams, she would gasp wretchedly for air, her bloodshot eyes fixated on me, an unspoken plea for help and comfort on her lips. But I didn’t know what I could do for her. I could only hold her hand in mine, and hope that she would be alright in the end.
Then suddenly, her screams intensified. Her nails dug into my flesh, and tears rolled down her face as she began to convulse. And then a new scream joined hers. She gasped, and then turned to me, a huge grin on her face.
“We did it,” she rasped.
Cheers filled the room. The midwife approached us, a small bundle in her hands.
“It’s a girl!” she said excitedly as she passed the bundle over to me.
My heart rose as I held my newborn daughter in my hands. She was so small, so delicate, so beautiful, and in her, I could feel the weight of the world. It was then that I knew my purpose. I had to care for her, to protect her, to give her the best life possible. And I knew then that I would do anything for her.
“She’s lovely!” Adina crooned hoarsely. “What should we name her?”
She was beautiful. She was wonderful. She was sublime. And she needed a name that would embody her perfection, her heritage. There was only one name that would fit.
“We will call her Alia*,”
Spoiler
* Means Noble, Sublime
Tears in the Desert
Spoiler
There was rain in the desert.
Falling like tears from the heavens, it came in loud crashes as it pounded against the roof and walls of my tiny little cell, striking a relentless tattoo that matched the rapid beat of my heart. It was so dark, so cold, and I was so alone. Thin rays of soft blue light fell from my small, barred window, providing just enough illumination for me to view to miserable, putrid confines of my surroundings. They were keeping me here until they were ready to kill me, and I couldn’t stand it.
They said I was a monster, a murderer. They spat in my face and beat me. They threw stones and screamed jeering, hateful words. They called for my death. And bound and gagged as I was when they dragged me through the streets, I could say nothing, do nothing, to plead my innocence.
Not that they would have listened. I was a noble no longer. Not a privileged member of the elite, nor a loving father and doting husband, but a gladiator, a slave once again. A slave who, in their eyes, had murdered a noble.
And not just any noble. My wife. Adina Al’Afir, the beloved daughter of the most powerful House in the city. They would have no sympathy for me.
I heard the creek of the door. The sound of footsteps echoed through the prison’s halls, building up a dreadful cadence as they marched in time to the pounding rain, getting closer, closer…
This was it. They were coming for me, and now, now I would meet my fate.
I’m so sorry Alia… It looks like daddy won’t be coming home…
“Get up Tavor!”
That voice… No… It couldn’t be…
“Farid?!” No! It couldn’t be! Not him!
But it was.
Standing before me was Farid Al’Afir. Adina’s twin. My brother-in-law.
He hated me.
“Why are you here Farid?” I did not want to deal with him. “Have you come to watch me die?”
“No,” Farid shook his head. Then, to my astonishment, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring of keys.
“As much as I would love to see you hanged, you classless dog,” Farid glowered as he opened my cell. “It is not my call. The Houses have decided to lessen your punishment, and as the victim's closest relative, it is my job to tell you. Though gods know, the only way I can stand this is that I know you did not murder my sister!”
“I couldn’t have. I loved her-” I started to say, but he cut me off.
“No!” he snapped. “No! You never did! You used her! You seduced her, and tricked your way into our family! She was nothing more than a tool for your selfish advancement!”
“No-” I tried to interject, but he interrupted me once more.
“SHUT UP!” he screamed. “While I know that you did not kill her, you are still being held accountable for her death! Your punishment will only be exile, though gods know that is more than you deserve!”
“Exile?” my heart sank, but my blood boiled. “What about my daughter?! What about Alia?!”
“I will take care of her,” Farid growled. “As a daughter of House Al’Afir, she belongs to me now, rather than a classless dog like you!”
I wanted to hit him. To break him, to watch him bleed. I balled my hand into a fist, and I would have struck him then and there. But I couldn’t. A slave could not touch a noble. Not without punishment of death.
And he wasn’t worth my anger.
“Very well,” I took in a deep breath. “But you better take care of my daughter! Because one day, I will be back for her!”
“I would like to see you try,” Farid smirked.
And with that, I left. The freezing rain fell in fat droplets, soaking into my tattered clothes, running down my face like tears. Rage, fear, sorrow, relief, confusion, all clashed within me like blades in the arena.
I would leave, for now. But I would be back. I would find Adina’s murderer, I would take back my daughter, and I would make Farid regret ever crossing me!
Last edited by Machuchang : 04-18-2011 at 09:23 PM.
Yikes! This one was dark! But I really enjoyed it. I loved the fight sequences, and the images they inspired really reminded of action movies, with the burning church collapsing and the throwing of weapons and people. It was just awesome! I'm really curious about what events actually led up to all of the drama and violence that occurred in this snippet too! What could possibly have been done to Virei that would turn him into a such a vengeful figure? I don't know, but I'd love to find out!
The snippet could get a little difficult to read at times though. I think it could really be improved by just clearing up the syntax a little, such as with this line:
Also when a new person speaks, start a new paragraph. That will really clear things up and make the story as a whole a lot easier to read.
Overall, I felt that you did a great job, and I'd love to read more!
Well, Virei was an odd duck among paladins from the start, since he was part of a corollary to real-world black ops squads, and was attached to the party by his king.
They were teleported into a town on a cut-off continent, and Fals had them thrown in jail (after a short adventure) because he believed they were demons. Because they teleported. A few in-game weeks later, 3 levels higher and with better gear, the party returned to the town (disguised in various ways) and I decided to get some pay back.
Next up on my to-do list is to write about a battle which we participated in and accidentally freeing a god while taking on the campaign BBEG's Dragon.
And there's also giving Virei a back story, I really should do that.
Thanks for the critique!
EDIT: Very much enjoyed the snippets in your post!
__________________
Some men just want to watch the world shift uncomfortably in its seat.
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kylarra
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
I happen to like screwing around with Handle Animal.
Red Mage, is that you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawhide
Now you're cranking it up to eleven.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimonite
A week ago, I didn't know who you were. Now I know: you're the BEST PERSON EVER.
Quote:
Originally Posted by noparlpf
You seem to be having trouble with the idea that a rulebook can contradict itself, because it shouldn't, but...WotC.
Absolatar by Teutonic Knight.
Last edited by absolmorph : 04-15-2011 at 09:24 PM.
Well, Virei was an odd duck among paladins from the start, since he was part of a corollary to real-world black ops squads, and was attached to the party by his king.
They were teleported into a town on a cut-off continent, and Fals had them thrown in jail (after a short adventure) because he believed they were demons. Because they teleported. A few in-game weeks later, 3 levels higher and with better gear, the party returned to the town (disguised in various ways) and I decided to get some pay back.
Next up on my to-do list is to write about a battle which we participated in and accidentally freeing a god while taking on the campaign BBEG's Dragon.
And there's also giving Virei a back story, I really should do that.
Thanks for the critique!
Awesomeness... overload...
All of that really sounds amazing! I'm now even more excited to see what your next snippets will bring, and I was already pretty excited in the first place!
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
EDIT: Very much enjoyed the snippets in your post!
Why thank you! I'm very glad to know you liked them! Hopefully you'll like this next one as well.
This one is once again about Natalia. She's been pretty vocal lately, and since this one builds off of that Before the Battle set-up, I figured I might as well keep the ball rolling. That, and I have been deliberately trying to avoid writing fight scenes for the longest time, and that's no good. After all, how can I get any better without practice, right?
Eat Your Heart Out
(or VENGEANCE!!!)
Spoiler
“HEARTEATER!”
A loud crack filled the air as my fist connected with his face, splintering shards of bone from his mask and forcing him backwards. Even with the battle raging around me, my friends and enemies locked in a mortal struggle, and with my own life at risk, I could only focus on the foe in front of me.
And I would kill him here!
But he rolled with my blow, managing to retain his balance, and threw up his hands, crackling with magical energy, as he prepared to unleash his powers. But there was no way I was going to let that happen. Just as the first syllables of the spell left his lips, I slammed my blade into his unprotected side. He fell to his knees with a hideous shriek of pain, only to be cut short as my armored foot met his throat, knocking him onto his back.
Without wasting any time, I pinned him down, my foot on his chest, my sword positioned for the coup de grace. I could feel the years of pain, frustration, fear, and rage bubbling up from within me, ready to erupt in a gruesome, finishing blow!
But as I gazed down at my vanquished foe, I could tell that something was very, very wrong.
There was nothing but fear in his eyes. No sense of defiance, no rage, no hatred. Only pure terror resided behind the Hearteater’s cruel, grinning mask.
I felt sick. As much as I wanted to, I could not bring myself to kill my foe, broken and defenseless as he was. I had him, but I just didn’t have the guts to finish him off for good. Gods damn it all! I had been spending too much time around Varen!
“P-please Natalia…” the Hearteater choked pitifully. “D-don’t kill me…”
“Surrender first, you sick bastard! Then maybe I’ll think about!” I don’t know who disgusted me more: the Hearteater, or myself.
“I surrender! I surrender!” the Hearteater sobbed wretchedly. I felt about ready to throw up.
Slowly, I shifted my weight off of his body.
And that’s when I caught the glint in his eyes.
“JUUUUUUST KIDDING!” he screamed gleefully as he twisted out from under me, pushing me to ground.
As I struggled to regain my footing, he brought his hand up, and fired a dark bolt into my eyes.
My vision began to blur and darken as fell to the ground, and before I knew it, everything had gone black.
But I wasn’t about to let the Hearteater get the best of me this time. Even if I couldn’t see, I could still hear. I could still feel. I could still sense him. The sound of his footsteps in the grass, the way the wind broke around his body, the sound of his heavy, wounded breathing.
He was coming closer.
Closer…
Closer…
I could feel his feet through the ground, and the tensing of his body as he prepared to strike.
I had one chance.
“GOODBYE NATALIA!!” he shrieked with sadistic glee as he struck, his hand moving at an incredible speed.
But I was faster. Somehow, I managed to catch him by the wrist, stopping his blow as I pulled him down. Right onto the edge of my sword.
I felt his hot blood splash onto me, and I heard his last, futile gasps. I threw him off of me, and crawled back to my feet.
When my sight finally returned, the Hearteater had long since been dead, his throat slit by my blade. As I saw him, I couldn’t help but laugh out of exhilaration and relief. That, and the situation was funny in of itself, in its own little way. After all, if he had never blinded me during our last fight, then this battle may have had a much different outcome. I was positively giddy.
“No rules against that!” I laughed. “Keep your demons company in hell, you bastard!”
And then his body started to convulse, twisting and stretching with a horrific ripping sound. Soon, all that was left of the Hearteater had transformed into something tall, gaunt, and grey. Tentatively, I removed his mask, only to be met by the cold, dead gaze of the bulbous white eyes on his otherwise featureless face.
But that wasn’t the strangest thing. Upon his chest, was a small amulet, just like the one that my father used to speak with me while I was the Deathwind.
Could it be?
I took the amulet and held it my face. Sure enough, I soon felt the familiar buzzing sensation in my hand as the amulet made contact with its twin.
And then, I saw his face.
My father. But was it really?
“What is- NATALIA?!” he sounded frantic. “What is going on?! What have you done?!”
“What do you mean, Father? Isn’t this what you wanted? Everything is going according to plan,”
I find myself having some spare time between now and when my session starts...
so I bring you "soulmelding" another snippet for Marc.
Spoiler
I am an incarnate; I commune with the souls of those who come before me, borrowing on their power and expertise.
But who must I borrow from today?
I hear the rush of feathers over fast moving air, the snap of leather pinions propelling creatures through the blue.
Flight.
I draw on the souls of those who lived with the freedom of a bird, the ability to flit and dive and escape into the sky.
I shape their power into a pair of sandals; binding the power into my body… the sandals merge into me, turning my legs the blue of a clear sky, from my knees down to my toes.
Who else?
There are those who believe it is better to be lucky than good, a great many of these individuals were both.
I rely on my own skill, but I will gladly share in their luck.
I draw on this good fortune to craft myself a set of dice. The dice represent luck, and I will turn this luck to my own ends.
War…
War is eternal; it will always be a part of normal life. Some cultures, such as my own, venerate war and its makers.
It is only fitting that I borrow from these exemplars of my race’s art.
I borrow on past warriors instinct and prowess, I will react quicker to threats and my blows will land harder.
I shape their power into a pair of blue bracers that settle over my forearms, though my spines still protrude from them.
There are those who value defense over offense
A solid fortress and suit of armor rather than a potent offense and weapon.
From them I draw fortitude, and the ability to ignore telling blows.
I shape this resolve into pauldrons that rest over my shoulders.
What is left?
A weapon, a weapon that is useful against most opponents. A good weapon must not only be destructive, but terrifying.
Acid.
I call upon the spirits of dragons, black as night, and the coppery taste of blood. I shape their power into a torc around my neck. A bitter taste fills my mouth, I feel the urge to spit, but I know now that my saliva is as potent an acid as any alchemist’s work.
I am now ready to face the day.
I am the Law.
I like marc, he provides this overwhelming desire to say
"today seems like a good day to use excessive force.
hell, every day is a good day to use excessive force!"
and yell things like
"I AM THE LAW!!!" -smashes opponent with mace.
__________________
my awesome knight riding a bulette avatar was made by smuchmuch
Cookie Jar: 1
teej has quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
I find myself having some spare time between now and when my session starts...
so I bring you "soulmelding" another snippet for Marc.
Spoiler
But in all seriousness, this was incredibly well done! I honestly had no idea how you were going to write a story about shaping soulmelds, and honestly, I was a little unsure if it would work. Fortunately, you proved me wrong! WAY wrong. I loved it! I love Marc's seriousness, how you captured the inspiration he feels and his train of though, and I really, really love how you described everything here! The snippet had a great flow to it, and also gave some great insights into Marc's character. This has got to be one of my favorite snippets you've written, and I love all your snippets to begin with! Just fantastic!
I come bearing snippet! And one that doesn't end mid-session this time!
Not the Holiest of Retribution
or I guess he's a Paladin of Pelor, sort of.
I like the leadup to this one... I like the way you just casually drop in how Virei grew a beard so he wouldn't look so much like an escaped demon, but don't really go into any further detail. I really enjoy the snippets that treat the reader as though they've just picked up a familiar book that contains the full story and have just started reading a favourite part. Or that makes the reader feel like they're really there - after all, Virei knows what's going on, why should he have all this exposition. I like the way you provide your exposition by moving the story and the characters forwards, instead of pausing while you explain everything to the reader.
I gotta admit though, I wasn't as big a fan once the action started and I'm not entirely sure why. May I suggest you reread it and see if anything jumps out at you. I think it was that you had this beautiful setup, really well written, easy to read, the reader wasn't sure what was happening, but was confident that all would be explained - then we get to the explanation (ie: the 'fight' in the church) and - it doesn't really explain anything. It was hard to follow what was going on and harder to figure out why it was happening. Your set up was so good I think I subconsciously expected more of an explanation than was forthcoming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
As Virei and Joe walked away from Fals, who was now clutching his right eye socket and screaming in pain, Virei snorted. “What?” asked Joe. “I think Mirale is going to be mad. There was a carving of Sehanine in there.”
“Oops.”
Also, here it's not clear who is speaking when... like Machuchang said, a new speaker gets a new line/paragraph break.
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
And this is the most disturbing thing I've done as any character, and I'm kind of wondering if I need to double check how I'm role-playing Virei.
I'll admit, the first thing I thought of when I realised Virei put the guy's eye out was "didn't your DM make you fall for that? Or at least get in lots of trouble?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
D'oh! That's perfect! Why didn't I think of that?
I really wanna come up with a smartass response to this, but I just can't think of one... *insert smartass comment here*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
I'm not offended it the slightest, and I apologize if I was coming off that way! In fact, I'm really thrilled that my work has made enough of an impression for you to notice when things don't seem quite right. I love seeing how you view my characters, and I really appreciate you telling me how I can make things better.
You didn't at all... I was just aware that I was getting a little (over)enthusiastic and didn't want you to feel like I was stepping on your toes. They're your characters and your snippets after all. And I had a hell of a week last week and wasn't sure how I'd be coming across in writing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
Tears in the Desert
Wow... this one just about made me cry. And I think has the best opening sentence ever. Just the simple statement that it's raining in the desert brings up all sorts of images of an empty area, full of sand but devoid of people and other life, with rain just sheeting down, totally grey. And the more esoteric imagery of change, something unusual about to happen...
About the only critisim I have is that you missed a word here or there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
They were keeping me here until they were ready to kill me, and I couldn’t stand it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
They spat in my face and beat me.
Easy mistakes to make and don't really affect the reading... I don't know that I would have even mentioned it, except that you don't usually make mistakes like that
Actually... I thought of a critisism - I'm not convinced about Farid's reasoning for letting Tavor go - exile or not. Was he told to let Tavor go or was it something he came up with on his own? His level of hatred tells me that he'd be quite happy to see Tavor die for a crime he didn't commit, regardless of whether Farid knows he couldn't have done it. Which makes me think that someone else must have told Farid to let Tavor go - but there's no mention or indication of that being the case, and in fact it reads much the opposite. So there you go, reasons and justifications could use some work - or at least a bit more explanation, if there's more there than you told us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
This one is once again about Natalia. She's been pretty vocal lately, and since this one builds off of that Before the Battle set-up, I figured I might as well keep the ball rolling. That, and I have been deliberately trying to avoid writing fight scenes for the longest time, and that's no good. After all, how can I get any better without practice, right?
Dunno why you're shy about writing fight scenes, nothing wrong with this one I love a girl in full plate
Would just like to mention... at this point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
“P-please Natalia…” the Hearteater choked pitifully. “D-don’t kill me…”
I went "the Hearteater is her father"
At this point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
“JUUUUUUST KIDDING!” he screamed gleefully as he twisted out from under me, pushing me to ground.
I went "I knew it. Idiot girl"
At this point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
But that wasn’t the strangest thing. Upon his chest, was a small amulet, just like the one that my father used to speak with me while I was the Deathwind.
Could it be?
I went "I knew it!"
And at this point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
My father. But was it really?
“What is- NATALIA?!” he sounded frantic. “What is going on?! What have you done?!”
“What do you mean, Father? Isn’t this what you wanted? Everything is going according to plan,”
I went "Huh?"
Well done
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
I find myself having some spare time between now and when my session starts...
so I bring you "soulmelding" another snippet for Marc.
Spoiler
I am an incarnate; I commune with the souls of those who come before me, borrowing on their power and expertise.
But who must I borrow from today?
I hear the rush of feathers over fast moving air, the snap of leather pinions propelling creatures through the blue.
Flight.
I draw on the souls of those who lived with the freedom of a bird, the ability to flit and dive and escape into the sky.
I shape their power into a pair of sandals; binding the power into my body… the sandals merge into me, turning my legs the blue of a clear sky, from my knees down to my toes.
Who else?
There are those who believe it is better to be lucky than good, a great many of these individuals were both.
I rely on my own skill, but I will gladly share in their luck.
I draw on this good fortune to craft myself a set of dice. The dice represent luck, and I will turn this luck to my own ends.
War…
War is eternal; it will always be a part of normal life. Some cultures, such as my own, venerate war and its makers.
It is only fitting that I borrow from these exemplars of my race’s art.
I borrow on past warriors instinct and prowess, I will react quicker to threats and my blows will land harder.
I shape their power into a pair of blue bracers that settle over my forearms, though my spines still protrude from them.
There are those who value defense over offense
A solid fortress and suit of armor rather than a potent offense and weapon.
From them I draw fortitude, and the ability to ignore telling blows.
I shape this resolve into pauldrons that rest over my shoulders.
What is left?
A weapon, a weapon that is useful against most opponents. A good weapon must not only be destructive, but terrifying.
Acid.
I call upon the spirits of dragons, black as night, and the coppery taste of blood. I shape their power into a torc around my neck. A bitter taste fills my mouth, I feel the urge to spit, but I know now that my saliva is as potent an acid as any alchemist’s work.
I am now ready to face the day.
I am the Law.
I like marc, he provides this overwhelming desire to say
"today seems like a good day to use excessive force.
hell, every day is a good day to use excessive force!"
and yell things like
"I AM THE LAW!!!" -smashes opponent with mace.
I like this... I don't know anything about the incarnate class (which I assume is what he is) or soulmelding, but you know what - with this snippet, I don't need to. My first thought was something similar to a binder, which it does seem to be... but you explain it beautifully. I love Marc's calm, measured tone, he could be selecting clothes! I love the way he considers his options, he thinks carefully about what he needs and provides for himself exactly.
This is not a man I want to cross - and you conveyed that impression with a beautiful, poetic piece of writing.
Only thing I would say is work on your paragraphs - not a huge issue (and certainly not enough to detract from this marvel) but it would help readability. Consider my adjustments...
Quote:
What is left?
A weapon, a weapon that is useful against most opponents. A good weapon must not only be destructive, but terrifying.
Acid.
I call upon the spirits of dragons, black as night, and the coppery taste of blood. I shape their power into a torc around my neck. A bitter taste fills my mouth, I feel the urge to spit, but I know now that my saliva is as potent an acid as any alchemist’s work.
And now I must sit here for another 10mins while the database backup is in progress til I can hit post...
I'm really regretting not being able to write at the moment. You guys are just putting out such fantastic work and every time I go to write something I just sit there staring at the computer/notebook. I'm jealous...
__________________
There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
I like the leadup to this one... I like the way you just casually drop in how Virei grew a beard so he wouldn't look so much like an escaped demon, but don't really go into any further detail. I really enjoy the snippets that treat the reader as though they've just picked up a familiar book that contains the full story and have just started reading a favourite part. Or that makes the reader feel like they're really there - after all, Virei knows what's going on, why should he have all this exposition. I like the way you provide your exposition by moving the story and the characters forwards, instead of pausing while you explain everything to the reader.
I gotta admit though, I wasn't as big a fan once the action started and I'm not entirely sure why. May I suggest you reread it and see if anything jumps out at you. I think it was that you had this beautiful setup, really well written, easy to read, the reader wasn't sure what was happening, but was confident that all would be explained - then we get to the explanation (ie: the 'fight' in the church) and - it doesn't really explain anything. It was hard to follow what was going on and harder to figure out why it was happening. Your set up was so good I think I subconsciously expected more of an explanation than was forthcoming.
Also, here it's not clear who is speaking when... like Machuchang said, a new speaker gets a new line/paragraph break.
I'll admit, the first thing I thought of when I realised Virei put the guy's eye out was "didn't your DM make you fall for that? Or at least get in lots of trouble?"
I'm not the best writer, and action scenes don't come up much, so I need to put a lot of work into improving them. Plus, the enemies were barely paid heed during the game, and the fight (such as it was) was rather... awkward.
And, on the last point: paladins in 4e don't fall, and there's not much he can do to my character without it being illogical within the game world; Virei is already a wanted criminal (as explained in my response to Machuchang) in that kingdom, and the ranger alone took out one of their most well-known and skilled soldiers with vegetables (and a steak). And if I write about that fight, it's going to be very, very hard to be serious.
__________________
Some men just want to watch the world shift uncomfortably in its seat.
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kylarra
Quote:
Originally Posted by absolmorph
I happen to like screwing around with Handle Animal.
Red Mage, is that you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawhide
Now you're cranking it up to eleven.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimonite
A week ago, I didn't know who you were. Now I know: you're the BEST PERSON EVER.
Quote:
Originally Posted by noparlpf
You seem to be having trouble with the idea that a rulebook can contradict itself, because it shouldn't, but...WotC.
next snippets are likely going to be postponed for a few days, I've got a huge paper/presentation to finish today, and I've gotta take my wonderful girlfriend out to dinner tomorrow for her birthday...
also, exams are looming, and I fear my teachers are going to dump a buncha stuff on me.
and then I have to help my parents move...
and find a new job....
heh, on the other hand, I imagine my breaks from these activities will produce plenty of things.
I worry about the summer though, as I'll mostly be DMing at that point. maybe I'll write from NPC perspectives...
__________________
my awesome knight riding a bulette avatar was made by smuchmuch
Cookie Jar: 1
teej has quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
next snippets are likely going to be postponed for a few days, I've got a huge paper/presentation to finish today, and I've gotta take my wonderful girlfriend out to dinner tomorrow for her birthday...
also, exams are looming, and I fear my teachers are going to dump a buncha stuff on me.
and then I have to help my parents move...
and find a new job....
heh, on the other hand, I imagine my breaks from these activities will produce plenty of things.
I worry about the summer though, as I'll mostly be DMing at that point. maybe I'll write from NPC perspectives...
Yikes! Well, I hope that everything goes well for you, especially with your girlfriend.
As for summer, well, I'm sure you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Not that you'll need to. NPC snippets rock!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I really wanna come up with a smartass response to this, but I just can't think of one... *insert smartass comment here*
*Insert self-deprecating comment here referencing said smartass response*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
You didn't at all... I was just aware that I was getting a little (over)enthusiastic and didn't want you to feel like I was stepping on your toes. They're your characters and your snippets after all. And I had a hell of a week last week and wasn't sure how I'd be coming across in writing.
Sorry to hear that things didn't go so great for you last week. But don't worry, I didn't feel like you were stepping on my toes or anything like that at all. I could easily understand all the points you were making, and while I didn't agree with all of them, I still saw your input as great advice that I will keep in mind for later snippets. But don't think for a second that you were pushing me towards any sort of choices that I didn't want to make. I could never see you doing anything like that anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Wow... this one just about made me cry. And I think has the best opening sentence ever. Just the simple statement that it's raining in the desert brings up all sorts of images of an empty area, full of sand but devoid of people and other life, with rain just sheeting down, totally grey. And the more esoteric imagery of change, something unusual about to happen...
I'm incredibly pleased that I was able to provoke such powerful responses from you! Thank you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Actually... I thought of a critisism - I'm not convinced about Farid's reasoning for letting Tavor go - exile or not. Was he told to let Tavor go or was it something he came up with on his own? His level of hatred tells me that he'd be quite happy to see Tavor die for a crime he didn't commit, regardless of whether Farid knows he couldn't have done it. Which makes me think that someone else must have told Farid to let Tavor go - but there's no mention or indication of that being the case, and in fact it reads much the opposite. So there you go, reasons and justifications could use some work - or at least a bit more explanation, if there's more there than you told us.
Yeah, this could use a lot more explanation. I'll try and make things a little clearer, but I really don't know how much I can add to this story without breaking flow or letting slip spoilers.
At the very least, another snippet revealing more about Tavor's past and motivations will be up soon, and it should help to explain this one a lot better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Dunno why you're shy about writing fight scenes, nothing wrong with this one I love a girl in full plate
Well thank you! I really needed that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Would just like to mention... at this point:
I went "the Hearteater is her father"
At this point:
I went "I knew it. Idiot girl"
At this point:
I went "I knew it!"
And at this point:
I went "Huh?"
Well done
Yes! Point-for-point, I got every response I was hoping for! I feel so proud.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
I'm really regretting not being able to write at the moment. You guys are just putting out such fantastic work and every time I go to write something I just sit there staring at the computer/notebook. I'm jealous...
Aww... Well, I'm sure inspiration will find you eventually. Or you can try to find it.
When I'm in a bit of a writer's block, I read a lot. I'll pick up a book I really like and just skim through it, until something pops out at me. I also do the same thing here, and dig through the snippet archives just so I can be blown away by the things I've done, or more often, by the things other people have written. Plus, this has the added benefit of helping me see what things just didn't work, and how I could improve my writing as a whole. Often, just fixing up my old snippets really helps get me back in the writing mindset. And if that doesn't work, I draw comics, watch t.v., play an instrument, or just do something else, Sometimes, all you can do is wait for it to pass.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just figured that I'd put that out there in case there was a helpful little tidbit hidden away in there.
did anyone ever volunteer to organize this thread?
If you mean 'create a library for the first post' then yes, I did - and I do still intend to do it. I had just gotten caught up with everyone's snippets (taking advantage of one of the lulls in writing) when people started posting again and then it all went out the window Plus I'm struggling to get anything done at the moment. It is still something I intend to do... hmmm... I should grab the document and email it to myself, it's something I could easily do at work when I have no real work to do.
I'd love to say that I'll do it over easter, but I'll be at the Australasia meetup the entire time and I wouldn't want to commit to something I doubt very much I'd be able to do.
I will do it though, give me a couple of weeks to get over myself?
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
If you mean 'create a library for the first post' then yes, I did - and I do still intend to do it. I had just gotten caught up with everyone's snippets (taking advantage of one of the lulls in writing) when people started posting again and then it all went out the window Plus I'm struggling to get anything done at the moment. It is still something I intend to do... hmmm... I should grab the document and email it to myself, it's something I could easily do at work when I have no real work to do.
I'd love to say that I'll do it over easter, but I'll be at the Australasia meetup the entire time and I wouldn't want to commit to something I doubt very much I'd be able to do.
I will do it though, give me a couple of weeks to get over myself?
the reason I asked about it is with the end of the semester rolling around, I was considering trying to organize it together. (because once it's done, it's simply a matter of staying on top of new posts, a simple copy paste over)
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teej has quotes
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Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
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Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
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Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
I'm not the best writer, and action scenes don't come up much, so I need to put a lot of work into improving them. Plus, the enemies were barely paid heed during the game, and the fight (such as it was) was rather... awkward.
Makes sense, it's hard to write anything if what happened in game is awkward.
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Originally Posted by absolmorph
And, on the last point: paladins in 4e don't fall, and there's not much he can do to my character without it being illogical within the game world
Ahh, silly me for assuming it was 3.5
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Originally Posted by Machuchang
I could easily understand all the points you were making, and while I didn't agree with all of them, I still saw your input as great advice that I will keep in mind for later snippets.
Really? I'm curious now... what didn't you agree with?
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Originally Posted by Machuchang
Yes! Point-for-point, I got every response I was hoping for! I feel so proud.
You're welcome
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Originally Posted by Machuchang
When I'm in a bit of a writer's block, I read a lot. I'll pick up a book I really like and just skim through it, until something pops out at me. I also do the same thing here, and dig through the snippet archives just so I can be blown away by the things I've done, or more often, by the things other people have written.
If I started reading, I'd end up just reading I like books... I do sometimes read over old snippets as well, but I usually end up just reading and not inspiring.
What I really need to do is start reading over my game notes, that'd get me going.
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Originally Posted by big teej
the reason I asked about it is with the end of the semester rolling around, I was considering trying to organize it together. (because once it's done, it's simply a matter of staying on top of new posts, a simple copy paste over)
Ahhh... well, from memory I was about halfway through, possibly a little more. I'm thinking of getting Peregrine to email it to me (since he's at home with nothing to do). I'm running out of things to do at work, so having something to keep me occupied would be good
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Mine is a new handsfree headset attached to my phone at work. Pretty nifty (when it works) but still not as cool as a new D&D book
On a brighter note, Peregrine emailed me the document I started the catalouge in. Now I just have to go through and figure out where I was up to!
edit: so I got the document and started up again - I got heaps done yesterday at work... go back to start up again today and realise - I forgot to save it out of the temp drive where downloads go and I've lost the damn file with all the updates. I have downloaded it again, but now I have to start again
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
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Re: D&D Snippets
You're going to write in a Global Positioning System?
