Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Malfunctioned]

Originally Posted by Odentin

I think he more meant the LEGAL implications of statutory. And if I'm to understand what you just said there, you and your friend are committing more than one felony at the moment...

I knew what he meant, and as I said, it's not an issue, since she now is of statutory age.
And no I haven't actually done anything her yet, just that she has made it clear that she would be more than willing.

[Nargan]

Originally Posted by Keld Denar

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from Avenue Q, so YAY!

Mal. Don't be dumb. Tell your consience to STFU and sit down. You didn't do anything wrong. It is almost ALWAYS a bit heartbreaking when someone breaks up with you. She'll deal with it. Statistically speaking, it probably won't be the last time she gets dumped. Life goes on, other fish in the pond, etc etc etc. As far as "you must wait this long before getting into a new relationship", well, that depends entirely on why your old relationship ended. Its bad to go into a relationship for "rebound" reasons (ie to feel validation from another person to fill the validation gap left when you and X broke up). You don't sound like you have that problem. You want to date P because she is cute, she kissed you, and you like her, not because you miss your ex-LDGF and you miss having someone to heap lovey-dovies on.

So, my question is...why are you still here when you should be making kissy faces with P. Go to, my good man, go to!

Sigged. I hope you don't mind, but it just had to be done

I love how conscience is con-science. The science of the con. Oh, ironic humour, how I love you.

[Drascin]

Surprising lack of woes here - I must admit it's being a bit hard, being in every group project with aforementioned "not-interested-in-any-relationship-right-now" girl I've fallen for, especially since I'm just plain bad at hiding stuff but certainly don't want to make her awkward or uncomfortable for something that is not her fault, but mine (and we're grouped for the year, so we better work together well, for the sake of our grades!), so there's a fair deal of too much self-second-guessing involved here. But, you know, I seem to be dealing with it pretty decently, overall. I'm almost kind of surprised, given how badly I self-screwed up last time.

I guess I've matured a little since last time I felt attracted to someone. Which I guess makes sense, it was like five years ago after all. But still, nice to have confirmation .

[Herpestidae]

There's this girl. I've talked about her before, surely. Short version: I took her to prom (at her request). She's brought up the idea (several times) that we'd be married one day. Most/all of our mutual friends have us as an OTP, and squee whenever they see the two of us as much as look at each other.

Until about the start of the year, I just rolled with it. We'd actively friend-zoned each other since prom (which was 3+ years ago), but I've been getting more and more into her as time went on. I'm not sure if it's because of the reaction we get (see the first paragraph of this post) or whatever, but it's been happening.

So on Valentine's day, I drew a picture of me giving her a heart-shaped balloon in which there was a teddy bear holding a box of chocolates shaped like flowers (all the Valentine's day gifts rolled into one, essentially) and posted it publicly on Facebook. Around the middle of August, I caught up with her and literally said to her face that I was interested in her romantically. A few weeks ago she was at my cousin's birthday party and I was actively flirting with her the whole night.

The thing is... She's never really acknowledged my advances. At all.

What do I do?

[DeadManSleeping]

Ask for some kind of acknowledgement.

Yes, closure can be that easy.

If she still doesn't give it to you, then you should probably reconsider how much you love and trust her.

[Odentin]

Yeah, perhaps not so bluntly as DeadMan put it, but ask her how she feels about you. Admit your feelings, and ask her how she feels about you. In this case, the direct route seems the most likely to provide results.

[Coidzor]

Found this through the Museum of Sex's Facebook Feed, thought ya'll might find it interesting.

Sex, Love, and DNA in 6 Question

[Scoot]

I feel weird right now.

I'm not going to go into all the details, but I just got through with my first almost-serious relationship.

We never got past kissing, but we were very close, and at one point she even told me she loved me, and seemed genuinely serious about it.

If anyone cares to know, it was with the girl who I had problems with a while back (although I hope nobody remembers that).

To put it simply, she finally decided that she doesn't even want to be in a relationship right now, and just wants to focus on school and work.

Really, this is something that she's told me many times, and I guess at some point I managed to make her feel differently, but I guess that just didn't stick.

And now, at the end of it all, I'm having trouble figuring out if I hurt more because I'm going to miss her, or because I never got more intimate with her. She was the first girl I ever even hugged outside of family, and I regret not taking the chances I had to go further than kissing. And I realize that probably sounds really shallow, but I guess I'm just at that age where I do want to do those sorts of things, and it's frustrating not being able to.

So that's one of the two things tearing me apart right now, is figuring out if I actually felt for this girl (which I honestly believe I did, and still do), or if this is just my raging hormones telling me I need to get laid.

And the second thing, is deciding what to do with the one thing she gave me. About half-way through our relationship, she gave me a little doll, that she told me to keep on my key-ring, because she had the same one, and kept it on her's. (Actually, I figured out what she was doing when she broke up with me because I walked into her room and she put her's on her dresser, sans keys).

So now part of me wants to keep it as a little memento of my first love,

and the other part of me wants to dispose of it as a ways to help me move on.

The majority of me wants to get rid of it,

in a way, I want to forget about her. And I know that's going to be hard, because I've tried to do it before, and this time I actually have some good memories with her, and I know those are going to come up again. Be it in my dreams or just as a passing thought.

And I feel like this little thing will evoke those thoughts, and I don't want to put myself through that.

But at the same time, I just can't bring myself to destroy it.

I think I may be in denial.


Although now I think it's kind of funny, too, because I think this is the 3rd or 4th time I let this girl break my heart, and I can't tell if I'm getting better at dealing with it or worse.

I also can't tell if I'm going to secretly hope she comes back again, or if I can finally accept this time that she's right when she says that she doesn't want this, and that she won't come back again.

I mean, I even told her this, but I'm 99.9% sure that she's telling the truth, but that .1% of human whim and emotion just always sticks to me. I just can't shake the feeling that one day she's going to wake up, say "Oh no! I miss him so much, I made a mistake and now I want to fix it!".

At least this time she had the courtesy to tell me it wouldn't really bother her if I go home and cry, and that it's my own problem now.

I mean, she also tried to make it clear that she still cares about me,

but at the same time, I think it was easy to tell that this break wasn't really hard for her at all.


And now I'm going to stop myself from rambling.

And try to figure out what to do with this little doll.



And now that I think about it, we never even mentioned anything about what we're going to do now.

She just said that she wouldn't blame me if I unfriended her on facebook or something of the like, and in the end we both said Good-Bye.

So it looks like we're not even going to try to stay friends this time,

and I can't tell if that makes me feel any better or not.

[Odentin]

Take the rest of this post with a grain of salt, as what works for one does not work for all.

Distance yourself from her. In my case, I burned whatever an ex had given me. Don't try to remain friends, don't keep the doll, try to have as little contact with her as possible, until your mind is fully clear of feelings for her.

Look up the "monkey sphere," as well. Get her out of your sphere, and life will be better for you.

[Scoot]

As of now, I decided to throw it up into my attic.

I can't see it, and it's somewhere where I probably won't stumble upon it for a very long time.

So now it's out of sight, and hopefully soon out of mind.


I honestly considering destroying it (burning was a major option), but when I thought about it, my chest began to seize up, and I had trouble actually making myself do it. So I hope this will work instead.



As for the Monkey Sphere, I did look it up, and it seems very interesting.

Now I'm just working on trying to get her completely out of my head.

Which is hard, because I seem to associate a lot of things with her.

Even my school, which I feel is going to be a problem for me.

[DeadManSleeping]

A wise man once said, "Do not keep anyone on your keyring who would not keep you on theirs."

That wise man was me.

And I said it just now.

[Scoot]

Haha, well there's certainly no way I'm going to keep it with my keys.

But metaphorically, that's actually an interesting say, wise man.




I actually considered asking her what she was going to do with all the stuff I gave her.

But that thought was very short-lived.

[Syka]

It varies by person. I never got rid of stuff my ex's gave me, mostly because it was either useful or stuff I liked. I have other friends who always get rid of stuff. Personally, I'll come across pictures or the chainmail dice bag Ex made for me, etc, and I smile, think fond memories, and go on.

So...it's really up to you. What I do is put it away for a while until I can look at the stuff with a smile rather than a frown. So...good luck, but wait it out. If in a while you still feel like burning/giving away/whatever the item, go for it. But don't do it impulsively.

[Scoot]

I think that's what I'm doing.

I'd like to think that I may look back on this and smile,

but at the moment I just can't see that happening,

so I'm keeping it out of sight until I either forget about it (which will probably happen first), or when I feel like I'm ready to see it again. But, I feel like the only time I'd be able to do that and genuinely not feel at least a twinge of bitterness or remorse, would be if I was able to find someone else. Or if I manage to find happiness somewhere else.

Or to put it more simply, when I'm actually stable and sad memories won't drag me back into depression again. I don't think I've ever been able to do that before, but I think that's because I never properly moved on (partially because I never had a clean break). Which is what I'm trying to do now.





And now I'm just worried that I rely too much on being in a relationship to make me happy.

I know there are a lot of people that would go out with me if I ask, but I just still can't bring myself to actually talk to people.

It's almost like I need them to make the first move, and even then I may have trouble.

And now that I'm no longer in an environment where I have close contact with people on a regular basis, I feel like the chances of anyone actually coming up to me again are slim to none.

So I don't think there's any chance of me dating unless I can work up the nerve to ask someone out. I mean, really, it's not that I fear rejection, I really don't know what's stopping me. I just can't seem to be able to talk to people in person.

But that's a different problem entirely and I'm rambling again.

[Castaras]

Originally Posted by Syka

It varies by person. I never got rid of stuff my ex's gave me, mostly because it was either useful or stuff I liked. I have other friends who always get rid of stuff. Personally, I'll come across pictures or the chainmail dice bag Ex made for me, etc, and I smile, think fond memories, and go on.

Pretty much. I still get some off feelings with other things relating to my ex, but mostly I look and think "Heh, that was sweet." However, it took a long time for me to get to that point (over a year before I started listening to some of the music we mutually liked), and before then I just ignored them all.

[DeadManSleeping]

Scoot, I'mma let you in on a secret about recovering from breakups and heartbreak. Other love doctors might give you all kinds of different advice. Many prescribe a system flush, in an attempt to get all the lingering effects out of your body. This usually doesn't have 100% effectiveness, though, and the methods used often lead to all kinds of complications, such as severe impact on your ability to socialize, or an increase in drug use. Lots will tell you to replace your old relationship with a new one. However, the lingering effects of your breakup will cause your body to reject new relationships, which leads to a sharp increase in ALL the symptoms you'd been dealing with before, and even gives you new ones. Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.

My more respectable contemporaries and I agree that, with the limits of current technology, the best way to recover is to not interfere with the body's natural recovery process at all, and to lead an otherwise healthy lifestyle. Good eating and sleeping habits will put you much further on the road to recovery than any promised "miracle cures".

[Rawhide]

Hey, guess what I scored for $0 at the Salvation Army (it was on their unwanted/throwaway/free table).

"The Rules", by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Ought to be good for a laugh.

[Scoot]

Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping

Scoot, I'mma let you in on a secret about recovering from breakups and heartbreak. Other love doctors might give you all kinds of different advice. Many prescribe a system flush, in an attempt to get all the lingering effects out of your body. This usually doesn't have 100% effectiveness, though, and the methods used often lead to all kinds of complications, such as severe impact on your ability to socialize, or an increase in drug use. Lots will tell you to replace your old relationship with a new one. However, the lingering effects of your breakup will cause your body to reject new relationships, which leads to a sharp increase in ALL the symptoms you'd been dealing with before, and even gives you new ones. Witch doctors might tell you "ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang wallawalla bing bang", but they give you that for everything, so most of us consider it a ridiculous scam.

My more respectable contemporaries and I agree that, with the limits of current technology, the best way to recover is to not interfere with the body's natural recovery process at all, and to lead an otherwise healthy lifestyle. Good eating and sleeping habits will put you much further on the road to recovery than any promised "miracle cures".

Haha, all of that was very enjoyable to read. Thank you.

But right now, I think I've pretty much decided what I'm going to do.

As for myself, I'm going to drop out of the college I'm in. Granted, it's only a community college, so I'm just withdrawing from my courses. (I discussed this with my family, and it's something I've been wanting to do for a long time)

Honestly, the only reasons I went to school in the first place were societal pressure, and because I wanted to be with that girl. Now, I really have no reason to be there. I associate the entire place with her, and I'm already on track to fail most of my classes.

What I really want to do is cook, so I'm going to devote myself to getting my foot in the door of a local restaurant. Be it as a bus-boy or a prep-chef or what have you. I just want to keep myself busy, and I want to get started on doing what I've always wanted to do. And I feel like this is giving me the drive to finally do it.

I'm going to save up money so I can later attend a culinary institute, and I'm going to consider attending a different Community College's culinary program in the mean-time, but that won't be until the next semester.


And as for the actual breakup. I'm just going to let things move on. I've unfriended the girl on FB, and I deleted her from my phone contacts. I really don't want to have anything to do with her anymore, although it's hard for me to really accept that. I think it's just because she was the first girl I ever really cared about, and it's hard for me to believe that there will be another, but I know that will fade if I let it.

As for a new relationship, I'm just going to let things progress as they will. I'm not going to force myself into a new one, and I'm not going to force myself to stay away from them.

I still want to try to be a little more social, but I'm not going to force myself to ask people out and all that. But just try to talk to people a little more. And I'm hoping that being at work will help with that a little.



As for food and sleep. I'm trying to eat as well as I can, and I'm glad that I already have some of my appetite back. But I'm having a little more trouble with sleep. I usually have trouble falling asleep, and for the past month I've been able to just think of her and fall asleep, but I don't have that anymore. Now my mind wanders and makes me sad. And when I do fall asleep, I have a nasty habit of dreaming that she's come back, and that really just sets me up for a bad day when I wake up.

But, I do know that it's important, and I'm doing everything I can to stay healthy.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Scoot

I deleted her from my phone contacts.

I usually rename someone I have no intention of calling again* to "z - <person's name>" in my phone. That way, it almost never shows up when you're looking/searching through contacts and you can recognise the incoming call and take a moment to prepare and/or decide not to answer.

*It's a rather small list, but not limited to relationships. In fact, there's only one ex-girlfriend I've renamed as such.

[Mutant Sheep]

Originally Posted by Rawhide

I usually rename someone I have no intention of calling again* to "z - <person's name>" in my phone. That way, it almost never shows up when you're looking/searching through contacts and you can recognise the incoming call and take a moment to prepare and/or decide not to answer.

*It's a rather small list, but not limited to relationships. In fact, there's only one ex-girlfriend I've renamed as such.

That.. seems pretty smart and useful.

[Scoot]

I remember the second time I thought I'd never speak to her again I changer her name to just "Z".

But I guess this time I just don't want to pussyfoot around.

I can't see myself ever contacting her, nor her me. That, and I don't want to have lines open, for my sake. I know I'm going to want to talk to her, and I know that's just going to harm me, so I don't want to give myself that opportunity.

And if I ever need to, I know I can always ask a friend or look her up online.

[DeadManSleeping]

Related to your post, though not your relationship stuff: many restaurants can teach you quite a bit about food prep. Quick and accurate knife skills, proper assessment of cooking times, these are things that require insistent practice to get better at, whether you're paying for the education or being paid for your training. If you have good options (read: you have job experience and references), then you should take your time to select a place that prepares food primarily on-site and will have you working the kitchen.

As much as people put down restaurant work, you would not be the first person to drop school in favor of it. For someone pursuing the culinary arts, it's a pretty good idea. Just make sure you're doing actual kitchen work.

[Syka]

Even a QSR (quick service restuarant...think Panera) can help with your cooking skills. When Oz moved to the back of the house at his place, his cooking skills went waaay up, and he's actually modified some of the recipes for home use. He's our go-to food prep guy, now. :)

[Scoot]

Yes. Unlike relationships, this is something I know a little bit about.

My only experience so far is volunteer work, though, but it's been work in a kitchen, and I do have references.

Really, I'd be happy to have any chance to work with food. Because I know that anything will still be experience, and help me move up to something better.

[Keld Denar]

As for the little doll she gave you, hide it somewhere. Put it as far out of sight as you can. Bury it in a box somewhere. Like you said, out of sight, out of mind. Don't trash it though, just hide it and forget about it.

One day, one distant day, you'll be going through some stuff, and there it'll be. You'll look at it, remember some good memories, and have yourself a nice little personal chuckle. Then you'll throw it away. You'll be able to, because the time that has passed will have distanced yourself from the feelings. Throwing it away will be the final step of "moving on", and it'll feel good, like closure.

[Feytalist]

I'm not sentimental by any stretch, but I've always kept little gifts and such from exes. I think it helps one get over the break-up, just to see the things around. It helps one to face facts, perhaps.

Of course, with my previous break-up it was a while before I could or even wanted look at photos of her, but I kept the plushies and things out in the open. I also kept her number on my phone, and seeing it the whole time made it easier to resist calling her, as counter intuitive as that might seem.

It changes from person to person, of course.

[Coidzor]

People cringing when you compliment them is a sign of them thinking you're a sexual predator and/or deviant in the absence of some other faux pas to explain the phenomenon, right?

[Lord Loss]

That, or they think you're insulting them. Or the compliment is linked to a bad memory, or something bad involving the thing you complimented them about happened very recently. More info on the compliment in question'd help, though.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Lord Loss

That, or they think you're insulting them. Or the compliment is linked to a bad memory, or something bad involving the thing you complimented them about happened very recently. More info on the compliment in question'd help, though.

Ok, so what you're saying is, not certain enough grounds to go directly to defenestration and defriending for insulting me. Good to know. I wasn't sure where I'd find a window both big enough and capable of being opened.

Most recently it was about having an adorably cute Legend of Zelda shirt I hadn't seen before and getting flustered over being told that D&D was especially fun when she did the fortune-telling bit and being asked if she thought I had overdone my character's reaction and bogged things down or not.

[Aedilred]

Or they're just really bad at accepting compliments. I have no idea what to say and usually screw my face up in awkwardness and mutter something self-deprecating. Or they see the fact the compliment refers to as a mixed blessing. Or they're sick of hearing it. You don't necessarily need to view it as a reflection on you; it's more likely they're not comfortable with themselves.


On a different subject, housemate trouble again! I have been living for the last year and a bit with a group of friends. One of them (G) is my oldest friend who I've known since primary school, the other original one (L) is a friend from uni, and a few months ago her boyfriend (N) who is an old friend of G's also moved in. The house is great, in terms of cost, quality and location, and I get on well enough with my housemates... for the most part.

What we didn't realise before moving in with him, though, is that G is a massive sponge. He is paying less rent than us for the smallest room (which is fair) but getting money out of him for anything else is like trying to get blood out of a stone. With most things in the house (food being the principal one) we are generally happy to share on the basis things will work out in the long run. But G never contributes to anything yet assumes he is entitled to eat everything. Whenever he is forced to buy food out of necessity he buys the cheapest, nastiest stuff he can find in the smallest quantity.

He's late paying his bills (on more than one occasion, by more than two months), but he's also taken it upon himself to be the house energy policeman, turning off lights, electrical appliances, radiators or whatever unilaterally and without checking whether or not they're actually in use for a given purpose. We have an ongoing war over the boiler at the moment, since he doesn't think the heating should be on at all.

He's also very clumsy and has broken many items (both personal to me or L or communal) around the house, which he hasn't replaced despite initial assurances that he would. One reception room in the house is entirely populated with his stuff, especially his bike (and his dragging it in and out of the house has damaged walls, doors and - I kid you not - ceilings along the way).

This is really just the tip of the iceberg, and there's a degree of personal selfishness as well as financial stinginess with it, but the real issue is that he will never, ever accept that he's doing anything wrong. When challenged over even the most minor of infractions he will defend himself robustly, even to the point of outright hypocrisy. Upbraiding him about any of this stuff - which I would consider common human decency - is difficult for a number of reasons: firstly, I (and L) am quite non-assertive and avoid conflict; secondly, this is really one of those situations where if you have to point it out they won't understand anyway; thirdly, even if he acknowledges the complaint he won't accept the point; and fourthly, it isn't really a collection of isolated major incidents so much as a pattern of sustained behaviour that's causing the problem. It's difficult to challenge somebody about a debt of £2.50. When that debt over the course of a month amounts to about £150 it's a serious issue, but each individual part of it is minor that it seems petty to complain.

I am just about prepared to put up with it - I don't want to move out. But L and N are getting increasingly infuriated and I worry that they will, which I don't want either. I fear the only way to resolve the situation satisfactorily is for him to go, but I have no idea about how to accomplish this without falling out with him permanently, which I don't want to happen. I paint a very negative picture of him, but we do get on well and he is in many respects a good friend; he's just a nightmare to live with and I'm worried he's going to drive away my better housemates.

Any ideas?