Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D

[tbok1992]

There've been a lot of "The Dumbest Monsters of D&D" comedy lists on the internet, so I fgiured, why don't we do a topic on the other comically ludicrous stuff from D&D's history, such as magic items, races, setting bits, spells/class abilities, you name it!

I'll start with a few ridiculous magic items I've encountered over the years:

Bagpipes of th Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?

Vasharan Offal Bag: From The Book of Vile Darkness, it's essentially a giant bag of poop that summons a giant cockroach once a day. And it's made by this uber-evil race of humans who really, really should've at least been more creative than "Crap in a bag+make it magic = ROACHIE!". Though Sloth is a deadly sin...

THE NIPPLE CLAMP OF EXQUISITE PAIN!: Also from The Book of Vile Darkness. When I hear that item's name, I don't so much think "Evilly perverse sociopath" as "Insane wizard who really, really needs to get laid."

[Kelb_Panthera]

Favored by tem-et-nu, a feat from sandstorm, gives you the ability to rebuke, get this, hippopotami. That's right, you get the ability to rebuke freakin' hippo's.

Plus, if you lose Tem-et-nu's favor, you take damage as if bitten by a hippo. That's right, anger your god and the "spirit of the hippo" chomps your butt.

How stupid is that?

[SgtCarnage92]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

Favored by tem-et-nu, a feat from sandstorm, gives you the ability to rebuke, get this, hippopotami. That's right, you get the ability to rebuke freakin' hippo's.

Plus, if you lose Tem-et-nu's favor, you take damage as if bitten by a hippo. That's right, anger your god and the "spirit of the hippo" chomps your butt.

How stupid Awesome is that?

I fixed it for you.

[Kaww]

Magic items in Eberron campaign setting. Caster level requirements compared to actual caster's level in Eberron is beyond stupid.

More on Eberron - a very experienced (several years of war) and powerful general is level five or lower...

[tuggyne]

Originally Posted by Kaww

Magic items in Eberron campaign setting. Caster level requirements compared to actual caster's level in Eberron is beyond stupid.

Are you sure you're not mistaking effective item caster level for minimum caster level required? It's a common mistake, but the caster level an item has is not (generally) the one its creator had.

[king.com]

For me its the simple things like the wise old scholar is the one with the best eye sight

[Kaww]

Originally Posted by tuggyne

Are you sure you're not mistaking effective item caster level for minimum caster level required? It's a common mistake, but the caster level an item has is not (generally) the one its creator had.

I'm pretty sure that if CL is in the required xp/gp/CL/required spells to make an item it's the required CL of the item creator. I could be wrong...

[Ashtagon]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Bagpipes of the Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?

Classic D&D had an NPC called Prince Brannart MacGregor, a Scottish lich who ruled a principality in a kingdom of magic. Those bagpipes were made for him.

Stupid class feature from Sandstorm is the sand shaper, who could make a ridiculously hard DC check that could take an hour or more, to shape sand for a matter of minutes.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by Ashtagon

Classic D&D had an NPC called Prince Brannart MacGregor, a Scottish lich who ruled a principality in a kingdom of magic. Those bagpipes were made for him.

Stupid class feature from Sandstorm is the sand shaper, who could make a ridiculously hard DC check that could take an hour or more, to shape sand for a matter of minutes.

By itself that one's not so hot, but combined with some shapesand and the gloves of sandshaping you can effectively make Gaara from Naruto.

[Jay R]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Bagpipes of th Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?

Not accurately. Bagpipes are actually used in battle to keep the troops fighting. They're loud enough to be heard over the sound of battle. Scottish battle units always have a piper or two for that purpose.

[Wardog]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Bagpipes of th Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?

What's undignified about bagpipes?

[Acanous]

What's undignified is that they made it boost undead, instead of giving all your allies within hearing a free use of Rage along with Endurance, or Diehard if they already have endurance.

Fun little fact: Most uses of bardic music don't have a cap on allies affected, it's just "All allies who can hear the bard play". I picked Bagpipes for my Bard/Marshal/Legendary leader, because you can hear Bagpipes from forever and a day away. The Artillary can get bonus to hit while you're in melee halfway across the field.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by Acanous

What's undignified is that they made it boost undead, instead of giving all your allies within hearing a free use of Rage along with Endurance, or Diehard if they already have endurance.

Fun little fact: Most uses of bardic music don't have a cap on allies affected, it's just "All allies who can hear the bard play". I picked Bagpipes for my Bard/Marshal/Legendary leader, because you can hear Bagpipes from forever and a day away. The Artillary can get bonus to hit while you're in melee halfway across the field.

Actually, only inspire courage doesn't have a listed maximum range, but it's the best of the bunch anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter much that the others are capped.

[hiryuu]

Originally Posted by Kaww

Magic items in Eberron campaign setting. Caster level requirements compared to actual caster's level in Eberron is beyond stupid.

There are high level casters in Eberron. Most of them are just evil. Or dead. *cough*MordaintheFleshweaver*cough*

More on Eberron - a very experienced (several years of war) and powerful general is level five or lower...

And the average soldier is a level 2 warrior. NPCs do not get to use the XP chart that PCs use. What's your point?

[Ashdate]

Duergar Beard Quills in 4e.

Edit: sorry, "non-monster" stupidity. My apologies.

[tbok1992]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

Favored by tem-et-nu, a feat from sandstorm, gives you the ability to rebuke, get this, hippopotami. That's right, you get the ability to rebuke freakin' hippo's.

Plus, if you lose Tem-et-nu's favor, you take damage as if bitten by a hippo. That's right, anger your god and the "spirit of the hippo" chomps your butt.

How stupid is that?

I'd have to disagree with you there. If there's anything one should know about hippos, it is that they will @$%# you up if you mess with them. They've got massively sharp teeth, body like a tank made of meat, and a brutal sense of territoriality. There's a reason they're the large mammal responsible for the most fatalities in Africa.

And also, on those bagpipes, I guess it's because when you think "Silly instruments," Bagpipes are the second thing that comes to mind, right after the accordion. Although, an accordion-based magic item would be good for making a "Weird Al As A Bard" PC, which would probably the bet character concept in the history of anything.

Plus, on the stupid magic item front, there's also that KKK level racist anti-drow bow from Weapons of Legacy, whose name I forget. In fact, I find the concept of specific weapons made to exterminate certain races (Like goblins or ogres) to be kind of disturbing. It'd be like if we had a +2 Shotgun of Killing Mexicans or a +5 Machete of Die Whitey Die in real life. Though that's less "comically stupid" than "disturbingly stupid".

[Poil]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

I'd have to disagree with you there. If there's anything one should know about hippos, it is that they will @$%# you up if you mess with them. They've got massively sharp teeth, body like a tank made of meat, and a brutal sense of territoriality. There's a reason they're the large mammal responsible for the most fatalities in Africa.

While it's true that hippos are amazingly badass and dangerous in real life Africa, they're not that dangerous in dnd. Also how many times have you ever seen a hippo when roleplaying? You're not likely to hear someone say "If we only could have turned one of those hippos our party wouldn't have been wiped out.".

[tuggyne]

Originally Posted by Kaww

I'm pretty sure that if CL is in the required xp/gp/CL/required spells to make an item it's the required CL of the item creator. I could be wrong...

You would be right, except that it's listed in a different section from the prerequisites, separated by a semicolon.

Also, the notational entry for Caster Level says this:

Originally Posted by SRD Magic Item Basics

For potions, scrolls, and wands, the creator can set the caster level of an item at any number high enough to cast the stored spell and not higher than her own caster level. For other magic items, the caster level is determined by the creator. The minimum caster level is that which is needed to meet the prerequisites given.

Further, under Prerequisites,

Originally Posted by SRD Magic Item Basics

Typically, a list of prerequisites includes one feat and one or more spells (or some other requirement in addition to the feat).

The rules are written rather confusingly at times, but I believe that's the most consistent way to interpret them.

[Slipperychicken]

Originally Posted by Poil

You're not likely to hear someone say "If we only could have turned one of those hippos our party wouldn't have been wiped out.".

Unless, of course, you're playing a Crazy Awesome campaign and are getting mobbed by hippo swarms.

[Rallicus]

Don't know much about supplement stuff, but Hand of the Mage always bothered me, even when I first learned about it as a kid.

Trying to imagine someone adventuring with a lobbed off, mummified hand around their neck so they can lift 5 pound objects with their mind just seems bizarre.

I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"

Just seems ridiculous.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

I'd have to disagree with you there. If there's anything one should know about hippos, it is that they will @$%# you up if you mess with them. They've got massively sharp teeth, body like a tank made of meat, and a brutal sense of territoriality. There's a reason they're the large mammal responsible for the most fatalities in Africa.

While all this is true, IRL, in D&D hippo's are isolated to a single terain type and have to compete with magical beasts and dragons. Then there's the fact that the feat, unique in all of 3.5, gives you the ability to rebuke/command, not just animals; one of the weakest creature types; but one specific type of animal, making it one of the weakest feats in 3.5. Even in sandstorm it kind of jumps out as an odd duck and kind of random.

And also, on those bagpipes, I guess it's because when you think "Silly instruments," Bagpipes are the second thing that comes to mind, right after the accordion. Although, an accordion-based magic item would be good for making a "Weird Al As A Bard" PC, which would probably the bet character concept in the history of anything.

I couldn't argue against this if I tried hard.

Plus, on the stupid magic item front, there's also that KKK level racist anti-drow bow from Weapons of Legacy, whose name I forget. In fact, I find the concept of specific weapons made to exterminate certain races (Like goblins or ogres) to be kind of disturbing. It'd be like if we had a +2 Shotgun of Killing Mexicans or a +5 Machete of Die Whitey Die in real life. Though that's less "comically stupid" than "disturbingly stupid".

Racism IRL is born of ignorance of the fact that human beings are all basically the same.

Racism in fantasy is based in the knowledge that there are some "races" of people, though species would be more accurate, that are naturally inclined to try and kill you because it sounds like fun.

Fantasy racism has a little more validity than its RL counterpart, and is thus less disturbing, IMO.

To quote a webcomic, "If I was going to be racist, I'd pick the race that was most likely to tear out my spine, for the fun of it, too."

Btw, "machete of 'die whitey, die,'" made me snort with laughter. I'm caucasian and inclined toward dark humor.

[Tectonic Robot]

Yo, dudezles, check this one oouuuuutttt /Skaterdude

It costs less to purchase a ten foot ladder than a ten foot pole.

[Steward]

Originally Posted by Rallicus

Don't know much about supplement stuff, but Hand of the Mage always bothered me, even when I first learned about it as a kid.

Trying to imagine someone adventuring with a lobbed off, mummified hand around their neck so they can lift 5 pound objects with their mind just seems bizarre.

I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"

Just seems ridiculous.

That actually seems pretty hillarious!

[karkus]

Originally Posted by Rallicus

I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"

Okay, I'll admit it. I completely lost it at this point.

[The Glyphstone]

Originally Posted by Tectonic Robot

Yo, dudezles, check this one oouuuuutttt /Skaterdude

It costs less to purchase a ten foot ladder than a ten foot pole.

Yeah, but cutting a ladder in half doesn't get you two ten foot poles, it gets you two halves of a broken ladder. Sure, you can still try and poke things with them, but if that's what you want, sturdy tree branches cost even less than ten foot ladders.

[Steward]

Originally Posted by The Glyphstone

Yeah, but cutting a ladder in half doesn't get you two ten foot poles, it gets you two halves of a broken ladder. Sure, you can still try and poke things with them, but if that's what you want, sturdy tree branches cost even less than ten foot ladders.

That just makes it more problematic. A ladder requires much more craftsmanship and time to make, whereas a ten foot pole is equivalent to a polished tree branch. It would be like an automobile that was cheaper than a wooden plank with wheels on it -- a low-end skateboard.

[Slipperychicken]

Originally Posted by Rallicus

I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"

I want to play in this campaign.

It's also an Elf hand, specifically. So the next Dwarf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off an Elf and had mummified into a magic item. The Elf is probably still running around somewhere with only 1 hand.

[TheFallenOne]

Originally Posted by Slipperychicken

I want to play in this campaign.

It's also an Elf hand, specifically. So the next Dwarf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off an Elf and had mummified into a magic item. The Elf is probably still running around somewhere with only 1 hand.

Would be more hilarious if it's just a chopped off hand, not a magic item. "Oh, I see you got a Hand of the Mage?" "What now? Nah, the bugger was an archer. Chopped off his drawing hand and decided to keep it."

[Milo v3]

Originally Posted by Slipperychicken

So the next Dwarf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off an Elf and had mummified into a magic item. The Elf is probably still running around somewhere with only 1 hand.

The next Elf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off his wrist and had mummified into a magic item. He lost his other hand to a dwarf.

[Exediron]

Originally Posted by Rallicus

Don't know much about supplement stuff, but Hand of the Mage always bothered me, even when I first learned about it as a kid.

Trying to imagine someone adventuring with a lobbed off, mummified hand around their neck so they can lift 5 pound objects with their mind just seems bizarre.

I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"

Just seems ridiculous.

This actually made me giggle out loud. Were I the sort, I would quote it in my signature.