Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D

[Craft (Cheese)]

Originally Posted by toapat

there is a Spelljammer sourcebook for 4th. there isnt one for 3.5

Sortof. A few caveats should be mentioned:

1. The whole "the planes are planets and you can fly between them with spaceships" thing is added in as a part of the default Nentir Vale setting. It is *not* a separate campaign setting book.

2. All the stuff about Space Elves, the hippo people, and the giant space hamster have been stripped out.

[Eldan]

Yeah, sorry. THat's like saying the Manual of the Planes for third was a Planescape book. There were some elements in there, but none of the unique spirit.

[Dire Moose]

Originally Posted by Wraith

This is the sort of magic item that I adore owning in my games. Especially if you're being sneaky and try to push the GM's definition of 'item' a little.

For example: The human brain weighs about 3 pounds.

*SCHLORP!!!*

That's one of the more inventive bits of munchkinry I've seen. I want to see someone try using Mage Hand like this.

[Dusk Eclipse]

You can't, for almost all spells you need line of sigh and line of effect. The skull, face muscles, skin, and possibly head wear block it so no, you cannot use a level 1 spell (or cheap item) to play with someone/thing brain.

[QuidEst]

Originally Posted by Wraith

This is the sort of magic item that I adore owning in my games. Especially if you're being sneaky and try to push the GM's definition of 'item' a little.

For example: The human brain weighs about 3 pounds.

*SCHLORP!!!*

Sorry… they already have that one covered.

Target: One nonmagical, unattended object weighing up to 5 lb.

Brains are attended objects. If it works, it must mean they were letting their mind wander.

[Wardog]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Plus, on the stupid magic item front, there's also that KKK level racist anti-drow bow from Weapons of Legacy, whose name I forget. In fact, I find the concept of specific weapons made to exterminate certain races (Like goblins or ogres) to be kind of disturbing. It'd be like if we had a +2 Shotgun of Killing Mexicans or a +5 Machete of Die Whitey Die in real life. Though that's less "comically stupid" than "disturbingly stupid".

If there are real physical and/or magical differences between the "races" (which are really more like different species) then it seems reasonable that different ones would have different vulnerabilities, or that spells could be tailored to affect one but not the other. The only racism would be how they were used.

I could easily imagine a human army keeping a stock of dedicated anti-X weapons to use against various threats - including anti-human weapons as most of their enemies are other human kingdoms.

What was far more dubious (in my opinion) was the old rule that only Evil rangers could chose their own race as their favoured enemy.

[Tvtyrant]

Originally Posted by pffh

For sky whaling there are the Soarwhales in the Arms and Equipment guide.

My solution was to apply the Half-Dragon template to whales, which gets them wings and weird flipper-claws. Fear the flipper-claws!

Spoiler

They actually work really well as flying ships, since their immense whaleen strength makes a light load pretty high.

[Wraith]

Originally Posted by QuidEst

Sorry… they already have that one covered.

Brains are attended objects. If it works, it must mean they were letting their mind wander.

Ba-dum-TISH!

I know it doesn't work like that, but I always like to try. Sometimes - just sometimes - the Rule of Funny wins out.

Okay, so, something stupid that isn't a monster.... Free Actions always make me wonder. Sometimes they're arbitrarily more complicated than swinging a sword, which none-the-less takes a full round, and the game can go straight to hell if it gets abused.
Sometimes, some games get everything they deserve when someone works out the Peasant Railgun.

[Doorhandle]

Originally Posted by Wraith

Ba-dum-TISH!

I know it doesn't work like that, but I always like to try. Sometimes - just sometimes - the Rule of Funny wins out.

Okay, so, something stupid that isn't a monster.... Free Actions always make me wonder. Sometimes they're arbitrarily more complicated than swinging a sword, which none-the-less takes a full round, and the game can go straight to hell if it gets abused.
Sometimes, some games get everything they deserve when someone works out the Peasant Railgun.

That's a stupid munchkin thing. The very rules that let you pass the pig along that quickly also mean when the last guy throws it it will just travel at the normal speed that peasant can throw it, relativity and acceleration be dammed.

[Zombimode]

Originally Posted by Wraith

Sometimes, some games get everything they deserve when someone works out the Peasant Railgun.

The peasant railgun is the epitome of Munchkinism.
It selectively picks some abstract rules, but then introduces "common sense" or pseudo-real world physics to produce some brocken effect (and ingnoring undisired side effects, of course) and then trying to pass of the thing as entirely supported by the rules.

[Dusk Eclipse]

You don't use the commoner railgun as a weapon, you use it as an instant transport device

[Deepbluediver]

Originally Posted by Wraith

Free Actions always make me wonder. Sometimes they're arbitrarily more complicated than swinging a sword, which none-the-less takes a full round, and the game can go straight to hell if it gets abused.

One of the DMs I gamed with houseruled in a version that limited us to 6 free actions a turn (1 second each) and that talking was only a free action if you said less than three words. This was essentially his way of trying to curtail the hour-long debates/planning sessions we had every time we spotted some new monster or entered combat.

[Jay R]

Originally Posted by Deepbluediver

One of the DMs I gamed with houseruled in a version that limited us to 6 free actions a turn (1 second each) and that talking was only a free action if you said less than three words. This was essentially his way of trying to curtail the hour-long debates/planning sessions we had every time we spotted some new monster or entered combat.

My response is that talking is a free action, but deciding what to say is not. I'll pause the action to let you shout out orders or threats or monologues, but you cannot converse during a single round (except in the dead time while somebody else is attacking).

Also, there was a great rule in Conquistador in the seventies, which forbade movement "in contravention of common sense". If somebody attempted the peasant railgun in my game, I would say, "Get serious", and move on.

[Dimers]

How about the legacy of arcane spell failure for armor use? When 4e came out, I thought that ridiculosity had ended, but no, it rears its stupid head in the 5e playtest too ... From a balance perspective, I can sorta kinda vaguely understand it (but can't understand why they would then allow workarounds), but there is no in-game reason for it that can't get logicked away in two seconds.

Ooh, and adventuring being better practice for wizardry than day-in, day-out study of the arcane in a well-equipped laboratory!

And all 2e rangers being specialized in two-weapon fighting! Because there's nothing better for protecting a forest than a sword-and-dagger combo.

Finally: the Deck of Many Things. /thread

[The Cat Goddess]

Originally Posted by Dimers

How about the legacy of arcane spell failure for armor use? When 4e came out, I thought that ridiculosity had ended, but no, it rears its stupid head in the 5e playtest too ... From a balance perspective, I can sorta kinda vaguely understand it (but can't understand why they would then allow workarounds), but there is no in-game reason for it that can't get logicked away in two seconds.

Ooh, and adventuring being better practice for wizardry than day-in, day-out study of the arcane in a well-equipped laboratory!

And all 2e rangers being specialized in two-weapon fighting! Because there's nothing better for protecting a forest than a sword-and-dagger combo.

Finally: the Deck of Many Things. /thread

In 3e & 3.5, Arcane Spell Failure only applies to spells with a Somatic (body movement) component, just like Silence only gives a spell failure chance to spells with a Verbal component.

As for adventuring Wizards... well... actually seeing the real-world effects of magic, encountering magical creatures, encountering different ways of using magic, being forced to "think on your feet", etc...

Of course, back in 2e, Wizards got 50xp/spell level for every spell they cast and Clerics got 100xp/spell level for every spell they cast... so players had to decide if they wanted to blow all their spells before camping, or keep some in case there was an encounter at night!

Thieves also got 1xp for each gold-piece equivalent value they stole. so, if the thief could sneak in while the party was fighting the dragon, they could get rediculous amounts of xp (and say "huh, this dragon wasn't very wealthy...")

[nedz]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Bagpipes of the Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?

I suspect that this is from a module. You can always re-fluff it as a grand piano or something.

Originally Posted by Slipperychicken

It's also an Elf hand, specifically. So the next Dwarf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off an Elf and had mummified into a magic item. The Elf is probably still running around somewhere with only 1 hand.

I want to place several of this in a game where the local magic mart is run by an Elf. When they try to part exchange them the reaction would be something like:
"Eek, get those things out of my shop before I disintegrate them."

Originally Posted by navar100

The infamous Orb spells of 3E have an ancestor in 2E called Chromatic Orb from the Wizard's Handbook. It was a 1st level spell that created a colored orb doing some damage. As you gained levels the color would change and the damage would increase or even change in severity of harm. You could choose which ever color/effect you want you were able to cast. Eventually you would be able to cast a Black Chromatic Orb of Death. Save or die. In 2E a wizard could cast a 1st level save or die spell. Not save or suck, save or die.

Original source: 1E UA Illusionist only. (well it might have been in Dragon first). The thing is though, by the time you can do the save or die thing, you could have spent your action in casting a 6th level spell.

Originally Posted by Mahonri Violist

It's because the government outlawed art and music. That's the most real excuse. Anyone caught singing, playing the violin, painting, drawing, or anything of the sort is to be cast into jail forever.

Sounds like England in the Cromwell/Puritan period; and the Pilgrim fathers wondered why they were unpopular.

Originally Posted by navar100

2E's Priest's Handbook offered specialty priests kits for clerics. They were based on various themes and used the spell spheres to determine which spells a priest had access in addition to a couple of class abilities. A priest would have major or minor access to a sphere. Major access meant the priest would eventually get all spells, capping at 7th level in 2E. Minor access meant you only get up to third level spells.

1) The Cure Wounds spells were in Healing sphere. Not every priest got access to Healing, so there exists clerics who did not heal. Not "stupid" per se, but for 2E that was a big deal of a disadvantage. I learned that from experience playing a cleric of Justice/Revenge. Even the DM saw how harmful it was in play and agreed to allow me Healing sphere.

2) The priest of Guardian only had minor access to the Guardian sphere.

3) I don't remember which priest kit, but I know there was one that had minor access to Summoning sphere. There were no spells in Summoning of less than 4th level. (2E's Tome of Magic had a few, but Priest's Handbook was published before it so it only took into account PHB spells of which no Summoning spell below 4th level existed.)

I ran this and it worked well. Clerics were still the most powerful class.
No one uses the useless kits anyway.

I run a similar house rule in 3.5. Clerics get to cast their domain spells spontaneously instead of cure X. If they want spontaneous healing then they need to take an appropriate domain.

[Dusk Eclipse]

Originally Posted by nedz

I suspect that this is from a module. You can always re-fluff it as a grand piano or something.

I want to place several of this in a game where the local magic mart is run by an Elf. When they try to part exchange them the reaction would be something like:
"Eek, get those things out of my shop before I disintegrate them."

Original source: 1E UA Illusionist only. (well it might have been in Dragon first). The thing is though, by the time you can do the save or die thing, you could have spent your action in casting a 6th level spell.

Sounds like England in the Cromwell/Puritan period; and the Pilgrim fathers wondered why they were unpopular.


I ran this and it worked well. Clerics were still the most powerful class.
No one uses the useless kits anyway.

I run a similar house rule in 3.5. Clerics get to cast their domain spells spontaneously instead of cure X. If they want spontaneous healing then they need to take an appropriate domain.

ACF in PHB 2, you can spontaneously cast from 1 domain and can prepare healing (or inflict) spells on your domain slot. There is also a feat that allows you to cast spontaneously from a Domain at the cost of 1 turn attempt per spell.

[nedz]

Originally Posted by Dusk Eclipse

ACF in PHB 2, you can spontaneously cast from 1 domain and can prepare healing (or inflict) spells on your domain slot. There is also a feat that allows you to cast spontaneously from a Domain at the cost of 1 turn attempt per spell.

I'm aware of these, but we make it a general rule which affects all domains. Its good for making Clerics more flavoursome, and match their chosen deity.
Its especially good for evil clerics since the Inflict line of spells are not particularly useful.

[Deepbluediver]

Originally Posted by nedz

I run a similar house rule in 3.5. Clerics get to cast their domain spells spontaneously instead of cure X. If they want spontaneous healing then they need to take an appropriate domain.

When I did a fix for the cleric, I tried to give more domain-flavor by lowering the regular spell slots and increasing the number of doman spell slots. I think I actually like your idea more though.
I know that the original line of thinking was that "clerics are the only ones that can heal" (although that not entirely accurate even within core) but even if that where the case I think this is a good change.


To keep this thread on topic:
The Wish Spell

It's basically saying "here's 100+ pages of spells, but in case we've forgotten anything you can make up your own". Maybe workable in theory, but the potential for generating arguments and encouraging abuse is pretty much infinite.

[Arbane]

Originally Posted by Deepbluediver

To keep this thread on topic:
The Wish Spell

It's basically saying "here's 100+ pages of spells, but in case we've forgotten anything you can make up your own". Maybe workable in theory, but the potential for generating arguments and encouraging abuse is pretty much infinite.

Not to mention the fact that traditionally DMs have been actively encouraged to go all Monkey's Paw on anyone rash enough to use it.

[Tyndmyr]

Originally Posted by Milo v3

The next Elf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off his wrist and had mummified into a magic item. He lost his other hand to a dwarf.

I eagerly await the next charop exercise that starts with a level 1 char chopping off and selling his hands.

[hiryuu]

Originally Posted by Jay R

The most ridiculous published addition was Elves in Space Spelljammer. And yes, it had mobs of (intelligent) hippos.

Don't forget that the elves had Guyver units.

Spelljammer's cover is all like "hey guess what all of Kepler's first ideas were correct and phlogiston theory is real hell yes get ready for 15th Century voyages on the high seas only in space and prep your buckles for swashing only there are DWAAAVES." And then you open it up and read it. What you get is an elf in a Guyver suit trying to buy a pair of bongos off a penguin riding a flying pig down at the beholder bar. Which is okay, I guess. Had the cover said "get ready for wacky Baron Munchausen in space adventures," it'd be easier to swallow.

Also hate tinker gnomes for whom every gadget fails. HAHA isn't it teh funneh? No, thank you. I already have trouble taking this as srs bisniss, the Geartaculars Guild of Munchkin Land is actively fighting any attempt to get roleplaying done that doesn't turn D&D into Your Highness. Which is fine, if that's what you're going for. They would be great in a game like The Slayers (at least for the first half of any given season until things go strangely dark). But if you're trying to run Robert E. Howard/Dream Cycle style fantasy...

[Tyndmyr]

Originally Posted by Deepbluediver

One of the DMs I gamed with houseruled in a version that limited us to 6 free actions a turn (1 second each) and that talking was only a free action if you said less than three words. This was essentially his way of trying to curtail the hour-long debates/planning sessions we had every time we spotted some new monster or entered combat.

When this was brought up at my table, we responded by using codes.

For instance, Monkey Three is a reference to "see no evil". IE, cover your eyes, there's a gaze attack incoming.

[tuggyne]

Originally Posted by Tyndmyr

When this was brought up at my table, we responded by using codes.

For instance, Monkey Three is a reference to "see no evil". IE, cover your eyes, there's a gaze attack incoming.

That ... actually makes a lot of sense, for many characters.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by tuggyne

That ... actually makes a lot of sense, for many characters.

There's a reason special forces in particular and combat personell in general use such short-hand IRL.

Rapid communication is essential on the battlefield, and things like using the numbers of a clockface as stand-ins for directional warnings is a logical extension of that principal.

"4 o'clock, high" gets said, heard, and processed faster than, "Look out behind you, to your left, and above you." It also avoids confusion since in the first instance you clearly mean one target in a specific direction rather than the possible three targets in three general directions, that the second could mean.

[tyckspoon]

Originally Posted by Tyndmyr

When this was brought up at my table, we responded by using codes.

For instance, Monkey Three is a reference to "see no evil". IE, cover your eyes, there's a gaze attack incoming.

I have just one response to this: Pink Frosting.
100 Whose Line Points to whoever knows the reference.

[Ashtagon]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

"4 o'clock, high" gets said, heard, and processed faster than, "Look out behind you, to your left, and above you." It also avoids confusion...

I'd understand "4 o'clock, high" to mean somewhere to my right, not my left. I'm confused.

[Craft (Cheese)]

Originally Posted by Dimers

How about the legacy of arcane spell failure for armor use? When 4e came out, I thought that ridiculosity had ended, but no, it rears its stupid head in the 5e playtest too ... From a balance perspective, I can sorta kinda vaguely understand it (but can't understand why they would then allow workarounds), but there is no in-game reason for it that can't get logicked away in two seconds.

As far as I can tell, it's just a stupid stereotype enforcement thing. Classic fantasy wizards like merlin and gandalf didn't go into battle in full plate, so your wizard can't either.

(By the way, where in the 5E playtest does it mention ASF? I don't remember seeing it anywhere.)

[Slipperychicken]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

There's a reason special forces in particular and combat personell in general use such short-hand IRL.

Sometimes I want talking-limits as a player, so I don't have to spend 10 minutes listening to some loser BBEG whine about on cryptic bulls*** while I'm forced to politely wait my turn to stab him again. Seriously, how do you form coherent sentences (or even thoughts) while three guys are stabbing you? Also, my character is not waiting for this loser to finish his damn sentence, he's in a screaming blood frenzy, and he's spending every moment hacking his target into a bloody pulp.


The next villain that spends 5 minutes with a pointless mid-combat monologue, I am tempted to have my character stop listening and reply with "I wasn't listening, too busy eviscerating you. Can you repeat that? Actually never mind, it probably wasn't important anyway. Have another stab wound, you big loser". If the monologue was especially eloquent, "No U", or "Whine Moar".

[nedz]

Originally Posted by Slipperychicken

Sometimes I want talking-limits as a player, so I don't have to spend 10 minutes listening to some loser BBEG whine about on cryptic bulls*** while I'm forced to politely wait my turn to stab him again. Seriously, how do you form coherent sentences (or even thoughts) while three guys are stabbing you? Also, my character is not waiting for this loser to finish his damn sentence, he's in a screaming blood frenzy, and he's spending every moment hacking his target into a bloody pulp.


The next villain that spends 5 minutes with a pointless mid-combat monologue, I am tempted to have my character stop listening and reply with "I wasn't listening, too busy eviscerating you. Can you repeat that? Actually never mind, it probably wasn't important anyway. Have another stab wound, you big loser". If the monologue was especially eloquent, "No U", or "Whine Moar".

Yes, real BBEGs tie you up and suspend you over a pool of sharks so that you are forced to listen to them.