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09-21-2012, 03:29 AM   Top  -  End  -  #451
Jeff the Green
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Mostly I'm writing this because I need to put it on paper in pixels, but advice rarely hurts. Spoilered because I know stories of depression can trigger others.

Spoiler
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Generation π
The first time you see this in a signature, put it in your own signature, raise the number to the ith power, and take the natural logarithm. Determine the p-value of the imaginary component in the N(ei, ϕi) distribution. Round to the nearest whole number and subtract 1. Take the natural logarithm of the result, and divide by i. This is a social experiment mathematical ****ery.

Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

09-21-2012, 09:25 AM   Top  -  End  -  #452
Barbarian in the Playground

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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Jeff,

You need to do the one thing you say you cannot, which is to ask for help. This is a good beginning.

A psychiatrist will not make all your problems magically go away, but can help you manage your depression. A support group of others with fibromyalgia will help you to feel less alone, and can share valuable coping strategies. Again, it won't make your problems go away, but it can make things better.

I encourage you to go back and talk to your advisor. Even if you are no longer in the program, it might help you resolve some things. If you are still in the program, or can return to it, get information about support on campus. This is vital.

It can be hard to ask friends for help. I've learned some ways are better than others. When done right, it can strengthen the relationship. If you think this kind of advice would help, let me know.

I have to scamper, but I hope this quick note helps. Take care.

-Monkey

.

It's clear that you are a person with talent and determination. You are
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09-21-2012, 09:38 AM   Top  -  End  -  #453
The Succubus
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Seconding Monkey's suggestion about talking to your advisor. It seems the two of you were good friends, or at the very least had a strong rapport together. I had a friend I lost touch with many years ago and every so often I'd think about trying to find a way to get in touch with him. A couple of weeks ago I bit the bullet and found a way - and he was absolutely delighted to hear from me again, even though I'd recently been through a rough patch.

Speak to him, because I think he would be glad to hear from you again. He might be able to offer much help with regards to your other problems but it's always nice to have a friend when you need one.
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

09-21-2012, 10:43 AM   Top  -  End  -  #454
Alarra
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Jeff,
Spoiler

Also..so, my stuff, well, more stuff than what I already mentioned in that response... Apologies for getting all rambly and long.
Spoiler
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Last edited by Alarra : 09-21-2012 at 10:45 AM.

09-22-2012, 12:21 AM   Top  -  End  -  #455
Jeff the Green
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Thank you, Monkey, Succubus, and Alarra. Your responses really helped buoy me today. I'm doing a bit better tonight, so hopefully this'll be the low point and I'll start recovering. It helps that I got an appointment with a different vet who I'm told is not as expensive with surgeries as my normal one. It probably also helps that my psychiatrist added a second antidepressant to my regimen.

I'm definitely going to contact my advisor as soon as I can compose something without either bawling or having my heart rate jump 50 bpm, though my anxiety is hitting me so bad I'm worried I may have to treat it the way I do introducing myself to women: get drunk. With a sober proofread before hitting "send," of course.

Alarra, normally I'd say "I hope x happens," where x is the best outcome, but since there isn't a single best outcome here, I'm just going to say that I hope whatever does happen makes you, Zeb, and your Pickle happy. And send you hugs in return. *hug*
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Generation π
The first time you see this in a signature, put it in your own signature, raise the number to the ith power, and take the natural logarithm. Determine the p-value of the imaginary component in the N(ei, ϕi) distribution. Round to the nearest whole number and subtract 1. Take the natural logarithm of the result, and divide by i. This is a social experiment mathematical ****ery.

Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

09-22-2012, 11:18 AM   Top  -  End  -  #456
Barbarian in the Playground

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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Jeff,

I was thinking about you yesterday, and it occurred to me that you are a skilled writer, and one with something to write about. I think you'd excell as a writer.

I realize this is not what you dreamed about. But do consider it as a "for now" kind of hobby. It might provide some insight and direction.

Meanwhile ... do I really need to tell you not to hit the sauce? Let yourself feel the emotion. Yes, it sucks. But alcohol is really just a kind of procrastination. if you don't deal with them sober, the emotions you get drunk to avoid will come back again.

Alarra,

The tough choices just never stop, do they?

My feeling is this: just because someone has gone out of her way to make one choice "easy" or "obvious" does not make that the right choice. It seems to me that there is a lot of what might be called moral pressure here. Turning down work is often seen as sort of sin against society, particularly when work is hard to find (as it is) and when one has a family (as you do). And there is some truth to this, because one must make a responsible choice, even if it is difficult or not the path you dreamed you'd take.

I can't say if moving to SD is a good or bad choice for you. I have no crystal ball, and I can't see your future. But here are some things I do know:

Turning down work is not a sin. You are meeting your responsibilities, even though it is hard. That's the ethic that matters.

People who love us often say they are trying to help us. But they help they offer is not always the help we need.

Sometimes the best help is no help at all.

Divide and conquer is a tactic often used in families. You and Zeb need to be a united front on this, even if you are living in separate states for now. It's not fair, or a good idea, to say we can't because Zeb ..."

If you have a plan, it is best to stick to it. Your plan for school sounds like a good one.

Moving home is not a defeat if it helps you do what you really want. It is if it will cause you to stall out as you follow your plans.

Inertia is the hardest force to overcome. The best choice is the one than provides the most momentum for the next choice.

Most important: you can't see into the future. All you can do is constantly reassess how well your plans are unfolding. If you are making progress, even if the progress is slow, that is good.

-Monkey

.
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Last edited by MonkeyBusiness : 09-22-2012 at 11:20 AM.

09-22-2012, 09:54 PM   Top  -  End  -  #457
Jeff the Green
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Quote:
 Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness Jeff, I was thinking about you yesterday, and it occurred to me that you are a skilled writer, and one with something to write about. I think you'd excell as a writer. I realize this is not what you dreamed about. But do consider it as a "for now" kind of hobby. It might provide some insight and direction.
I have (and still am) considered(ing) it. I'm currently working on finding an outlet for an essay I wrote on the things they never tell you about going to school with a disability, and while I write in fits, I do keep returning to it.

Quote:
 Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness Meanwhile ... do I really need to tell you not to hit the sauce?
No, you don't. I was mostly joking; I have a gene variant that makes getting properly drunk very uncomfortable. While I've found some alcohol helps take the edge off my social anxiety enough to introduce myself to people, I think the anxiety I'm feeling about talking to my advisor is undullable.

On a more positive note, I may have made a contact about a job today at training for the new museum exhibit I'll be volunteering at. The exhibit is about race, and we had a lady from the YWCA come in to talk about how to talk about race. It's a topic I'm very interested in, and she was impressed with my knowledge and enthusiasm. I hope I'm not reading too much into it, but she asked whether I was in school or working (I'm not) and said to call her. Fingers crossed, I guess.
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Generation π
The first time you see this in a signature, put it in your own signature, raise the number to the ith power, and take the natural logarithm. Determine the p-value of the imaginary component in the N(ei, ϕi) distribution. Round to the nearest whole number and subtract 1. Take the natural logarithm of the result, and divide by i. This is a social experiment mathematical ****ery.

Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

09-23-2012, 01:27 PM   Top  -  End  -  #458
Barbarian in the Playground

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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Jeff,

Regarding writing: excellent!
Regarding sauce: I'm relieved.
Regarding crossed fingers: That's awesome. I'll keep mine crossed, too.

I hope you'll tell us how things continue.

-Monkey

.
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09-25-2012, 02:27 AM   Top  -  End  -  #459
Thajocoth
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

I was redirected to this thread when I posted in the Relationship thread. They said there that my situation was more suited to this thread...

-----

My girl is really stressed... And I don't know how to comfort her.

I'm in California. She lives with me, but is away finishing up her degree in Indiana. Her parents are in Texas.

It's been hard enough to comfort her over Skype with normal things... She's got an unfortunate combination of bipolar (type 1), reactive hypoglycemia*, school stress, and leaning her emotions too heavily on physical touch from me before going. She's taking medication for mania, depression and anxiety (this one being an anti-psychotic) as well as a handful of supplements.

Now her mother's having health issues... It seems to be related to memory. She's in her 60s and has been vegan for most of her life, priding herself on her good health from it (despite her bone problems that would likely be better if she had dairy...) She refuses to see a doctor about it as she doesn't want to "waste" money. (My girl's parents don't have any kind of decent health insurance. They run their own restaurant equipment repairing business and easily work more than 40 hour weeks. She does the office/financial side of things.)

My girl's final stretch of speech pathology education is being done in a nursing home. She sees these people degrading and sees all the medical stuff that's helping them. It's frustrating her immensely. My girl's brother is going to try to convince their mother tonight.

It's interrupting her sleep, and effecting her diet. This is all a great way to throw her into an bipolar episode, so I worry about my girl. Even with the meds, her emotions are still of a multiplied strength to begin with.

I just don't know how to comfort her. If she goes into a strong enough bipolar episode to disrupt her from finishing (She'll be done mid-December), then she won't get a 3rd chance to finish, which I think would just make things even worse for her. As long as she has me, I don't think she'd go fully suicidal again, but things could get really bad.

I will be seeing her this coming Friday. I took a couple days off and bought plane tickets (before all this happened). Once she's in my arms, she'll be a lot better. Just holding her does wonders for her. I'm only going to be there from Friday to Monday though. After that, I don't see her again until mid-December, immediately before the first anniversary of a commitment ceremony we had.

*Reactive hypoglycemia means that she reacts (emotionally) to what she eats. The more processed the food is, the more she'll react. White sugar causes the worst reaction. Wheat bread that isn't whole wheat causes much less of a reaction, but still some. It seems to make it more difficult for her to think. She describes that state as being "confused". Another way this can be triggered is by not eating often enough (every 3 hours on average, small portions), or not eating the right ratio of protein/fat/carbs in any particular meal.
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09-25-2012, 03:49 AM   Top  -  End  -  #460
The Succubus
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Hmmm.

Well, I don't think any of us on here can really help with bipolar stuff to any extent - we're not allowed to offer medical advice in that regard.

That said I think the one bit that rings through this is that your sweetheart is really stressed out right, so anything you can do to help bring that down will have a positive knock on effect with the other issues. When you told her you were flying out to see her, I'm willing to bet she perked up immensely. Having something to look forward to can help you get through rough times.

I don't know how feasible this is but you say she's finishing her final year of her medical exams. Have you thought about whisking her away somewhere for a holiday? It doesn't have to be anywhere exotic or expensive but a chance to retreat from the woes of the world together for a little while and cuddle can give her something positive to focus on. Then, when you're talking on Skype of an evening you can plan your trip together. Get her actively involved in the planning so that she has a pleasant distraction to focus on from time to time.

With regards to worrying about her mum, human beings are remarkably stubborn creatures when it comes to looking for medical help and if they feel like they're being pushed into it, they'll resist it all the more. Trust me on this one - I work with hard of hearing people and telling sweet little Mrs XYZ that she's going to need a hearing aid rapidly turns her into grouchy little Mrs XYZ.

You have adopt a more gradual approach with these things. Sometimes it helps if there's someone else talking with her about the health issues - maybe little things they've noticed that the two people involved in the "discussion" have not. One thing that does spring to mind - you say she doesn't eat any dairy - perhaps calcium suppliments might be able to make up for the missing minerals she needs. I doubt it'll be enough to fix the problems (I'm not a doctor so I'm not going to make any kind of guesses in that regard) but it'd be a small step in the right direction.
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

Last edited by The Succubus : 09-25-2012 at 03:50 AM.

09-25-2012, 04:22 AM   Top  -  End  -  #461
Coidzor
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Well, I'm taking the woman who has been like a second or possibly third mother to me in for surgery today. Fingers crossed that this improves her condition rather than putting her in the grave.

Kinda freaking out, mostly because of the logistics hassle if anything goes wrong and the communication blackout from when I go into work afterward.
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09-25-2012, 04:24 AM   Top  -  End  -  #462
The Succubus
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Good luck Coidzor. I hope it goes well for her.
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

09-25-2012, 05:20 AM   Top  -  End  -  #463
Coidzor
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Belay that, my car just died instead and I had to get them a cab.
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Keld Denar +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
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09-25-2012, 02:55 PM   Top  -  End  -  #464
Barbarian in the Playground

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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Coidzor:
I've been thinking of you all day. I hope the surgery goes well. Please let us know how she does, and how you are doing.

Thajocoth:
I read your post very carefully. I'm sorry your girlfriend (and you) are going through such a challenging time. It's clear you care very deeply for her.

I want to think about this a bit longer before replying in full. It's a complex situation. But in the meantime, I just wanted to say I wish you the best.

-Monkey

.
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09-25-2012, 05:22 PM   Top  -  End  -  #465
Coidzor
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Quote:
 Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness Coidzor: I've been thinking of you all day. I hope the surgery goes well. Please let us know how she does, and how you are doing.
Thankyousorry.

Surgery went well on the whole. Apparently it was open and shut.

All I know is that the car has power so it's not an issue the would likely be resolved by giving it a jump and I'm tired after a 10 hour work day that just dragged on like nothing else. Finally got a shower though. Actually was rather nice.

In disturbing news
Spoiler

Actually, come to think of it, about how often do we need to eat when we're actually active?
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Keld Denar +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
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Last edited by Coidzor : 09-25-2012 at 05:29 PM.

09-25-2012, 06:15 PM   Top  -  End  -  #466
The Succubus
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

@^: This is a man in dire need of a decent meal. Yeah, you can survive on bits and pieces like that but the whole "lightheaded" thing is your body saying "FEED ME SEYMOUR!"

I wouldn't read too much into your thought processes at the time. =)
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

09-25-2012, 06:19 PM   Top  -  End  -  #467
Jeff the Green
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Yeah, low blood sugar can do all kinds of wonky things to your brain. If that happens to you a lot, I'd suggest carrying around a high protein/fat snack with you. I prefer Clif bars, but even just nuts will do.
__________________
Generation π
The first time you see this in a signature, put it in your own signature, raise the number to the ith power, and take the natural logarithm. Determine the p-value of the imaginary component in the N(ei, ϕi) distribution. Round to the nearest whole number and subtract 1. Take the natural logarithm of the result, and divide by i. This is a social experiment mathematical ****ery.

Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

09-25-2012, 09:40 PM   Top  -  End  -  #468
Sholos
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

My therapist today suggested I read up on avoidant personality disorder. I math... a significant number of the symptoms on it. One more thing added to the list of things crashing down on me right now, like not having enough hours at work, being alone, and depression. On top of that, basically none of my friends ever really want to talk to me about any of it, always responding with the same "I'm sure it'll get better," which is not helpful at all.
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09-26-2012, 03:53 AM   Top  -  End  -  #469
Musashi
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Spoiler
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

09-26-2012, 04:02 AM   Top  -  End  -  #470
Jeff the Green
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Musashi,

It's not a stupid trigger. The whole point of a trigger is that it shouldn't freak you out, but it does. Yeah, we put trigger warnings on some stuff and not others, but that's just because some things are more likely than others.

If you're seeing someone for your depression, I strongly urge you to talk to them about your trigger. There are medications that specifically treat PTSD (which, from a lay perspective, it sounds like you might have) and there are CBT approaches to help reduce the strength of your triggers.

Good luck.
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Generation π
The first time you see this in a signature, put it in your own signature, raise the number to the ith power, and take the natural logarithm. Determine the p-value of the imaginary component in the N(ei, ϕi) distribution. Round to the nearest whole number and subtract 1. Take the natural logarithm of the result, and divide by i. This is a social experiment mathematical ****ery.

Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep

09-26-2012, 04:02 AM   Top  -  End  -  #471
dehro
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Quote:
 Originally Posted by Coidzor Thankyousorry. Spoiler And I just realized that in 12-13 hours I've had a small bowl of cereal (maybe or maybe that was yesterday ), a few chips and reese's pieces, and a cup of green tea at around 5:30-6:00 AM, a poppyseed asiago bagel cheese and tomato sandwich at 1:30 PM, and a light cheese tortilla wrap just now at 6:25 PM. [/spoiler] Actually, come to think of it, about how often do we need to eat when we're actually active?
*grinn
I'm fasting today..a jewish thing.. no food or drink for 26 hours..the fasting actually starts just before dinner-time the night before..
this is usually not a problem for me.. trouble is I forgot all about it yesterday, and skipped lunch (and of course, dinner).. so I haven't had anything since breakfast yesterday and have to wait until 20.00 to eat and, more importantly, drink again
I'm in the weird place where I'm not actually hungry and not so thirsty either..but food and drink is all I can think of
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09-26-2012, 04:45 AM   Top  -  End  -  #472
Musashi
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Quote:
 Originally Posted by Jeff the Green Musashi, It's not a stupid trigger. The whole point of a trigger is that it shouldn't freak you out, but it does. Yeah, we put trigger warnings on some stuff and not others, but that's just because some things are more likely than others. If you're seeing someone for your depression, I strongly urge you to talk to them about your trigger. There are medications that specifically treat PTSD (which, from a lay perspective, it sounds like you might have) and there are CBT approaches to help reduce the strength of your triggers. Good luck.
When it is that mundane and harmless (as opposed to mention of gruesome acts that are most frequently the subject), then yes, I consider it's stupid.

I'm not seeing anyone. I really, really don't want to waste money again telling my life and reliving the embarrassing parts to a complete stranger who might or might not help me in the end; it's something I feel I deal better on my own. (Yeah, I know, that's hypocritical considering the advice I give sometime, I'm aware of it. <_<)
Maybe I'll reconsider it once I've got a stable income.
Same for medication. Had to take it for my depression; it was quite necessary, but it turned me into a narcoleptic zombie. As long as I can function in society without angst (which I can!), I'm going to avoid it.

Still, thanks for the advice and compassion. There are very few people IRL who would understand this or not treat me like I'm stupid or crazier than I actually am.
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

09-26-2012, 04:50 AM   Top  -  End  -  #473
The Succubus
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

I tend to think of triggers as being mental landmines. Often they're buried deep but can still have your leg off if you're not careful. Broken dishes doesn't strike me as being a weird trigger at all. One of my own triggers is dancing. A lot of really embarassing stuff floats up to the forefront of my mind when I think about dancing.

*can't remember if you're one of the folks that feels uncomfortable abotu being hugged but hugs anyway*
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Quote:
 Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.

Posting schedule likely to be erratic for the next few weeks - sorting out some personal stuff.

09-26-2012, 05:11 AM   Top  -  End  -  #474
Musashi
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Okay, you have a point. That's a good simile.
Quote:
 Originally Posted by The Succubus *can't remember if you're one of the folks that feels uncomfortable abotu being hugged but hugs anyway*
With all the hugs I give and my avatar, if anything, I'm the one who triggers people and doesn't know it. No, seriously, if I triggered someone, tell me, else I can't know if I cross the line from "ahah I wouldn't want to meet that avatar in a dark alley at night but it's still nice" to "I'm going to lie down and try to forget" D:
Thanks.
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 Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

 09-27-2012, 06:54 PM Top  -  End  -  #475 Worira Troll in the Playground     Join Date: Nov 2007 Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2 TRIGGER WARNING NON-EUCLIDEAN PIRATES not really obvs __________________ The following errors occurred with your search: 1. This forum requires that you wait 300 seconds between searches. Please try again in 306 seconds. Last edited by Worira : 09-27-2012 at 06:55 PM.
09-27-2012, 09:00 PM   Top  -  End  -  #476
Barbarian in the Playground

Join Date: Apr 2010
 Location: Sea Monkey paradise
Gender:
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Coidzor:
I learned to hide packages of peanut butter crackers in my car and desk, for those times when I suddenly realized I'd lost track of eating. Juice boxes and apples are also handy for giving blood sugar a boost quickly.

If you are prone to forgetting to eat, or putting off eating "just a few more minutes" that turn into a few hours, then it might be a good idea to get a cheap digital watch with an alarm, and set it for intervals of two or three hours. Be sure to have something on hand to eat when the alarm sounds.

Mushashi:
I used to have anxiety attacks whenever I heard a dish break or a door slam .... or anything that sounded remotely like dishes breaking or doors slamming. So I don't think it is weird at all.

I'm sorry you have a trigger, but I'm glad you know what it is. Mine wore off it time, helped by knowing what it was, and why it was ... but mostly from confronting my anxiety on its own. It's clear you are determined not only to rise to this challenge, but to stomp it into oblivion. I have this vision of you, flinging Spode frisbee-style.

Sholos:
Being diagnosed is such a mixed blessing. On the one hand, one now has a name for all the things that were causing trouble. But a name can feel like a label. And that can be discouraging.

From your reaction, I'd guess you feel pretty overwhelmed by this, especially since you have so many other things to worry about right now. I assume you went to the therapist because because you hoped doing so would help you feel better ... and now that goal seems farther away than you expected, and to involve more work. Is that an accurate represntation of how you feel?

I don't blame you at all if it is. But I hope you can also see how a diagnosis is sort of like a "you are here" arrow on a map. You might not be where you hoped you are, but you can start finding your way there.

Hang in there.

Thajocoth:

Here's how I see the situation you described:

You are a loving person. Your lady-love is grappling with serious issues. She worries about her mother (or whatever the issue du jour is), and that triggers a whole cascade of issues that cause her to lose her grip on her own life. The consequences of losing the grip are significant, including (in the past) suicidal potential, so of course you step in, to offer comfort and support. But this has become a cycle. Even if you did not live so far away, it is not a cycle that can go on indefinitely.

There are many things that need to happen. But the most basic one is that somehow there needs to be an exit strategy for this she-melts-you-comfort ride you two are on. It might seem okay to delay making that plan, because other issues seem more urgent (such as girl friend not melting down and failing out), but really the opposite is true. How you and she choose to cope with these issues now builds the shape of your future together.

I get that she is vulnerable, I really do. That makes it all the more important to emphasize her control of the situation when she is in crisis. It is vital to ask yourself, when offering comfort, how you can frame your response in a way that helps her actively regain control, rather than passively accepting help.

In this regard the conundrum regarding her mother is actually helpful. Although the issues that affect them are different, the core challenge that your girlfriend faces is the same one that her mother faces, and which is a gauntlet they both are failing to recognize and pick up: they need to take responsibility for their own health.

You can gently point out to her that, just as she worries - because her mother has no plan to take care of herself, and is too far away to run to help - so you worry about her. This puts you and your lady-love in equal positions. Ask her to discuss with you her plans for getting through the final months, so you don't have to worry, and so you can maximize your help to her.

Example: she has hypoglycemia. What is her plan for dealing with that? If she does not have one, prompt her: how can you help yourself remember to eat? Encourage her to think of ways to meet this challenge, then ask how you can help her make this plan work. (You might make a run to the grocery to buy some ready-to-eat healthy snacks, for example.)

This approach gently puts her in control of the situation ... not you. And *that* is the first step to her beginning to rise to meet her challenges, and overcome them. Loving couples take care of each other, of course ... but caretaking becomes a liability when it is one-sided, which is what you seem to describe here. Even when one person has a severe challenge, there needs to be reciprocity.

Meanwhile, do not let the conversation become derailed over mom. Mom is not the issue. The issue is the plans your girlfriend is making and keeping to keep herself in good mental and emotional health. Your challenge will be to transition from caregiver to equal partner. This is surprisingly hard, even when you want it with all your heart. I recommend that you find a therapist for yourself, to support you through this.

-Monkey

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09-28-2012, 08:12 AM   Top  -  End  -  #477
Morph Bark
Titan in the Playground

Join Date: Oct 2008
 Location: Freljord
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

So I recently had to quit my studies due to a mixture of not being able to pass some subjects, high costs and mild depression.

Then just earlier today I get a call from my boss my contract isn't being extended and tomorrow is my last day on the job.

As a bonus I am unable to see my friends during the week because they all go to universities halfway across the country.

I also am likely to not get a new job anytime soon because most companies look for employees of lower educations and I've been marked as overqualified by one online recruitment site already.

FML
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09-28-2012, 12:36 PM   Top  -  End  -  #478
Pyromancer999
Bugbear in the Playground

Join Date: Jun 2010
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

Quote:
 Originally Posted by Morph Bark So I recently had to quit my studies due to a mixture of not being able to pass some subjects, high costs and mild depression. Then just earlier today I get a call from my boss my contract isn't being extended and tomorrow is my last day on the job. As a bonus I am unable to see my friends during the week because they all go to universities halfway across the country. I also am likely to not get a new job anytime soon because most companies look for employees of lower educations and I've been marked as overqualified by one online recruitment site already. FML
Cripes. That sucks. Still, some places will still hire overqualified candidates, so that's at least a ray of sunshine in what looks to be a pretty cloudy sky. Also, sometimes temporary online employment is not too bad, if it can be managed. It's mainly stuff like editing documents and the like, but not too bad otherwise. In addition to that, you can try volunteering at places like a library or school, which can lead to a position there(ex. library assistant in the case of a library, although granted it's not the best salary).

Sounds like you're in a rough place right now, but it'll hopefully get better, as most things do. My PM box is open if you need anyone.

Edit:

Old woe:
Spoiler

New Woe/Semi-Update that branches off new one:
Spoiler

Yeah.
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 09-29-2012, 08:20 PM Top  -  End  -  #479 Trog Troll in the Playground     Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2 I guess I don't really know where to put this so I'll put it here. Spoiler So I just found out today that a guy whom I had interviewed and hired as a graphic designer several years ago and had worked with was one of the people shot and killed in that recent workplace shooting rampage up near Minneapolis. I guess I was never really very close with him, being his supervisor and all I was sometimes at a distance, but I worked with him on a day to day basis and had to do his training and reviews and such. I remember various odd things about him. I remember he blushed easily when he was embarrassed or angry. He had a good sense of humor and he was a snappy dresser. He did good design work and he and his wife were just trying to get by - juggling cars and such for work - early marriage sort of stuff. I recall him being happy when he was hired and I remember that he got on well with everyone at work and that he left to, if I recall correctly, move up to the Minneapolis area. Poor Jake. You didn't deserve this. Rest in peace, friend. __________________
09-29-2012, 08:37 PM   Top  -  End  -  #480
Barbarian in the Playground

Join Date: Apr 2010
 Location: Sea Monkey paradise
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Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2

*hugs Trog*

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