Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

Balmas · 10-09-2012, 09:34 AM

Okay boys, confession time: I'm a munchkin. I enjoy imagining weird character ideas and then making them absurdly powerful. However, I do occasionally draw a line in the sand that I'll never cross. For example, Pun-Pun will never see the light of day.

But, that's not very fun, is it? What about those times that you want to make your DM suffer? Or perhaps you merely want to make those uppity PCs pay for splitting up.

All you need to do is pull this simple gourd from your bag of holding, point it at the target and say the command word for a torrent of endless hair-pulling, insanity-inducing bad ideas!

This is the fourth chamber for the decanter, the other three having overflowed. As we swam in the morass of crazy, we voted on a new location, and here we are!

[Any] Things I may no longer do while playing.
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero

Note: if you're going to use numbers, please keep the numbering in order. This means:
1) don't add sub-rules to previous numbers--people will think that number is the current one
2) look to make sure that the last post isn't a sub-rule to a previous number

I suggest using asterisks, though, as the first thread did.

Riverdance · 10-09-2012, 09:42 AM

*When the DM pulls a mind swap on the entire party my wizard-in-a-fighter's body may not be more effective than the original fighter.

*If my rogue-in-a-paladin's body is more ethical than the paladin something is wrong.

Ksheep · 10-09-2012, 10:16 AM

* I am not allowed to optimize the entire party
** If I do so, I cannot make everyone halflings
*** We do NOT represent the Lollipop guild

Malak'ai · 10-09-2012, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ksheep

* I am not allowed to optimize the entire party
** If I do so, I cannot make everyone halflings
*** We do NOT represent the Lollipop guild

****The BBEG Sorceress is NOT the Wicked Witch of the West.
*****She will NOT melt if I cast 'create water' above her head.
******The Druid's animal companion taking a wizz on her leg is right out.
*******And NO, I cannot 'ride the flying monkeys'.

Silverbit · 10-09-2012, 11:02 AM

*Gunpowder and fire elementals do not mix.
**Neither does sodium and water elementals.

*There is no NHS in this world.
**You may not found it.

Jane_Smith · 10-09-2012, 11:07 AM

* Players are no longer allowed to cast color spray at allies.
** Or animal companions.
*** Or rationalize catching a building on fire with this spell by some paradox of events.
**** ESPECIALLY when allies and animal companion are inside said building.
***** And persuading the dm to let it happen.
****** Only to find out there was barrels of gunpowder inside the building and the dm is now cackling in glee.
******* They are also not allowed to blame the gun slinger in the party for placing those barrels there earlier when they helped him place said barrels that same morning.
******** Or just use color spray again at all.

* Players are not allowed to play half-centaur, half-golem, half-fiend halfling swashbuckling dread pirates.
** They are also not allowed to take underfoot fighting as a feat.
*** Or apply a permanent reduce person to themselves.
**** Or customize a rowboat to be a tiny sailing ship so it gets a size bonus to ac.
***** Then raid, and successfully plunger, an entire pirate cove.

Palegreenpants · 10-09-2012, 11:20 AM

Things I will never make the mistake of letting my players to do again.

*I will never again let the battlemind wear a suit made of pillows to a royal wedding.

*I will never make super optimized characters for half my players.

*I will never again allow any members of the party to date Thayan witches.

Sith_Happens · 10-09-2012, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malak'ai

*******And NO, I cannot 'ride the flying monkeys'.

******** I cannot literally ride the flying monkeys either.

* My character may not successfully explain how the main quest-giver is actually the evil one and the BBEG just an innocent(-ish) victim if this was not meant to be the case.
** Knowledge(Psychology), Knowledge(Plot Holes), and Knowledge(Basic Understanding of Cause and Effect) are now all forbidden to me, as are their equivalents in other systems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Palegreenpants

*I will never again allow any members of the party to date Thayan witches.

** Circle magic can "enhance" spells, and only spells.
*** No, just no.

Arcanist · 10-09-2012, 12:47 PM

*I may no longer cast Epic Spells with a DC of 0
** Yes, even if that Epic spell conjures cupcakes

*Knowledge (System Mastery) never a class skill for me.
**Even if I am a Wizard.
***Especially if I am a Wizard.

Sith_Happens · 10-09-2012, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcanist

*I may no longer cast Epic Spells with a DC of 0
** Yes, even if that Epic spell conjures cupcakes

*** Even if the cupcakes are harmless.

toapat · 10-09-2012, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sith_Happens

*** Even if the cupcakes are harmless.

**** Especially if it creates more then 13 cupcakes.
***** the cupcakes can be no larger then tiny in size

MrLemon · 10-09-2012, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toapat

**** Especially if it creates more then 13 cupcakes.
***** the cupcakes can be no larger then tiny in size

****** Not even when the party rogue keeps stealing all my sweetrolls

MidgetMarine · 10-09-2012, 02:31 PM

*I may not convince a phasm to accompany the party
**Or convince that phasm to regularly transform into a fire giant
***OR use the fire giant/phasm as a mount
****OR Tie up said fire giant at local stables
*****OR sell said fire giant as bodyguard service.
******OR retire upon the profits of this business.

Blightedmarsh · 10-09-2012, 02:31 PM

Quote:

****** Not even when the party rogue keeps stealing all my sweetrolls

*******May not wright an exploding rune on said sweetroll in icing.

toapat · 10-09-2012, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blightedmarsh

*******May not wright an exploding rune on said sweetroll in icing.

********I will however bake the spell into the cake.
*********Eating said cake is highly advised, as explosive runes will not detonate on ingestion

*A manual of Bodily Health is to be read, not eaten
**Even if biting through it would be enough to increase your constitution
***Expecially if im a Barbarian and Illiterate

Rockphed · 10-09-2012, 03:45 PM

**** If I do attempt to gain the benefits of a manual of health by eating it, I am not to force the party to accompany me on a quest for the perfect sauce.
***** The warm blood of my enemies is not the best sauce for eating my books.

Sith_Happens · 10-09-2012, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrLemon

****** Not even when the party rogue keeps stealing all my sweetrolls

* I may not research the spell [Character name]'s Knee-Seeking Acid Arrow.
** The target of this spell does not have to make a fortitude save vs. becoming a town guard.

Dr Bwaa · 10-09-2012, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toapat

********I will however bake the spell into the cake.
*********Eating said cake is highly advised, as explosive runes will not detonate on ingestion

**********I will not donate my entrails for use in divinations after eating this cake, however.

*I will not convince the GM to let me buy a Decanter of Endless Flour.
**Not even though we're in the marketplace in the City of Brass and all the salespeople are Eefreeti.
***Not even if the NG cleric gets to buy a slave.
****Just no.

*If I am a NG cleric, I do not get to buy a slave at "fair market price" from an Eefreet "because I'm pretty".

saxavarius · 10-09-2012, 05:38 PM

* I cannot exclusively drink the blood of my enemies
**Strawberry Yoo-Hoos are also not alowed
***A Bloody Mary doesn't contain actual blood

toapat · 10-09-2012, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saxavarius

* I cannot exclusively drink the blood of my enemies
**Strawberry Yoo-Hoos are also not aloud
***A Bloody Mary doesn't contain actual blood

****Alevera rubbed on the neck is not treatment for getting shot in the foot

Doxkid · 10-09-2012, 05:49 PM

*It should not contain Mary either.

**There are no recreational uses for Flesh to Stone.

***Do NOT steal the necromancer's horse.

****Weaponized fruit is a privilege, not a right.

*****The Healer who wields bananas should not do more damage per round than the rest of the party combined.

******I lose my right to have bananas (IRL and In game) if any character I play has any resemblance to Soraka.

*******A banana that throws healers is right out.

********The DM trusted me to not build pink haired wild-men who can swallow enemies whole. I shouldn't abuse that trust.

Doorhandle · 10-09-2012, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jane_Smith

***** Then raid, and successfully plunger, an entire pirate cove.

*Not to ask how one can PLUNGER a pirate cove.

toapat · 10-09-2012, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sith_Happens

* I may not research the spell [Character name]'s Knee-Seeking Acid Arrow.
** The target of this spell does not have to make a fortitude save vs. becoming a town guard.

***There is no fortitude save against becoming a town guard
****Anyone struck with Knee Seeking Arrow gains it as an at will Spell Like Ability

The Second · 10-09-2012, 07:01 PM

If, while my bard is 'entertaining' the dukes consort, the duke enters the room, he WILL autofail all of his diplomacy checks.

The duke also gets a +20 circumstance bonus to his will saves versus my Suggestions.

I WILL accept the fact that I am royally screwed, pun intended.

Riverdance · 10-09-2012, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doxkid

*snip*

****Weaponized fruit is a privilege, not a right.

*****The Healer who wields bananas should not do more damage per round than the rest of the party combined.

******I lose my right to have bananas (IRL and In game) if any character I play has any resemblance to Soraka.

*******A banana that throws healers is right out.

*snip*

*****Even if it would be something completely different.
******I am not to complain when the person I run at with a banana pulls out a pistol and shoots me.
*******All NPCs are now trained in how to defend against being attacked with fruit.

Monty Python anyone?

newBlazingAngel · 10-09-2012, 07:06 PM

*I am to stop basing my characters off of...
The sound of music
Disney films
Music videos
"This one anime I saw"
The 90's in general.
"This one fanfiction I read"
Any of my own, personal heroes
Batman
Andre the Giant

enderlord99 · 10-09-2012, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sith_Happens

* I may not research the spell [Character name]'s Knee-Seeking Acid Arrow.
** The target of this spell does not have to make a fortitude save vs. becoming a town guard.

***If the spell existed, which it doesn't, the save would be will... not fortitude.

toapat · 10-09-2012, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pokemon-freak89

***If the spell existed, which it doesn't, the save would be will... not fortitude.

****That assumes there would be a save, and not a propagation effect

Incom · 10-09-2012, 10:24 PM

*The paladin in obvious holy armor may not attempt to bluff his way through the guards guarding the demon summoning

Arcanist · 10-09-2012, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toapat

****That assumes there would be a save, and not a propagation effect

*****Assuming that there is a save, whenever the spell is casted on me I automatically fail the save and Die.
******Upon such death all contingencies fail
*******Yes, even that one
********Especially that one