Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Metahuman1]

Originally Posted by vasharanpaladin

Moot point now, that group finally stopped being so passive-aggressive about it sometime around when I actually pointed out the hypocrisy. Still a good font for a few lists of my own, when I find old campaign notes and suchlike.

There you go. Get in the DM chair. THEN show up with the mythological sources and drop it in front of them and tell them it's required reading for the game.

[enderlord99]

Originally Posted by Pokemon-freak89

*I may not contradict people.
**This includes myself.

***I must contradict people whenever possible.

[Doorhandle]

*Cannot play a half-orc half-drow.

*If my character, at any point, is so utterly worthless that the only reason the drow keep him alive is because they are yet to find a death horrible enough to justify ending his existence, I need to rework him.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by Doorhandle

*Cannot play a half-orc half-drow.

*If my character, at any point, is so utterly worthless that the only reason the drow keep him alive is because they are yet to find a death horrible enough to justify ending his existence, I need to rework him.

** ....... or possibly enshrine his character sheet.

[PaperMustache]

*I may not loot the bodies of my fallen companions.
**Especially not in a party containing a CG oracle and inquisitor.
***If I do, an argument can NOT be made for chaotic neutral.
****I am not to make an argument for chaotic neutral by making my newly chaotic evil character "actually evil".
*****Siding with the genocidal wizard is not a morally ambiguous decision. (See ***)
******Neither is orchestrating the collapse of a major city, no matter how unpleasant it was. (See ***)
*******Having a sister, being nice to old people, doing good things to spite my genocidal wizard father, and anything else short of an atonement spell will not make my character chaotic neutral.
********I am evil and a whore.

[TheRedWidow]

*The bluespawn is not named Fluffly
**Nor, for that matter, is the other bluespawn named Reginald

*If the players start in an underground library in the middle of the desert, I deserve the demands to know when the eclipse is

[Malak'ai]

Originally Posted by PaperMustache

*I may not loot the bodies of my fallen companions.
**Especially not in a party containing a CG oracle and inquisitor.
***If I do, an argument can NOT be made for chaotic neutral.
****I am not to make an argument for chaotic neutral by making my newly chaotic evil character "actually evil".
*****Siding with the genocidal wizard is not a morally ambiguous decision. (See ***)
******Neither is orchestrating the collapse of a major city, no matter how unpleasant it was. (See ***)
*******Having a sister, being nice to old people, doing good things to spite my genocidal wizard father, and anything else short of an atonement spell will not make my character chaotic neutral.
********I am evil and a whore.

*********Unless I give them the best stuff.
**********And I charge and arm and a leg... Literally .

[Sith_Happens]

Originally Posted by TheRedWidow

*If the players start in an underground library in the middle of the desert, I deserve the demands to know when the eclipse is

* The guardian of the library is not interested in a butterfly made of string.

[Ksheep]

Originally Posted by Sith_Happens

* The guardian of the library is not interested in a butterfly made of string.

** Handing him a wanted poster for myself is only marginally better.

[DoctorStandard]

*I am not allowed to play a half-dragon dragonborn dragon disciple dragon-bloodline sorcerer/dragon shaman with a pseudodragon familiar and a dragonling cohort.

[Ksheep]

Originally Posted by DoctorStandard

*I am not allowed to play a half-dragon dragonborn dragon disciple dragon-bloodline sorcerer/dragon shaman with a pseudodragon familiar and a dragonling cohort.

** The same applies to a Draconic Kobold Dragon Rider/Dragon Slayer with Dragon-hide armor.

[Arcanist]

Originally Posted by Ksheep

** Handing him a wanted poster for myself is only marginally better.

***It is also only acceptable to hand him scrolls of control water and tomes of worldly knowledge.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Ksheep

** The same applies to a Draconic Kobold Dragon Rider/Dragon Slayer with Dragon-hide armor.

***Or a Ursal Werebear Bear Totem Barbarian Bearmaster who calls in bear cavalry wearing bearhide armor

[vasharanpaladin]

Originally Posted by DoctorStandard

*I am not allowed to play a half-dragon dragonborn dragon disciple dragon-bloodline sorcerer/dragon shaman with a pseudodragon familiar and a dragonling cohort.

**This may slide, however, if the base race is dragonkin.

[Kane0]

Yo dawg...

Anyway,
* If I play in two campaigns, I may not treat one as a sandbox and the other as a drama.
**Said 'sandbox' campaign may not include a character more serious than the 'drama' campaign
***I may not work behind the scenes to make the 'sandbox' campaign more fun or make more sense than the 'drama' campaign.
****Any attempt to merge the two will result in my characters in both campaigns mysteriously dying or getting switched.
***** If I do, it will be in my own campaign. With Blackjack. And hookers.

[Riverdance]

Originally Posted by PaperMustache

********I am evil and a whore.

*********I am also a troublesome strumpet.
**********and a murderous trollop.

[Doorhandle]

*If my character is describes as a "rogue and peasant slave," it is assumed not to be literal.
*It is assumed I am going to shoot my guns, not clobber people with them.
*i am allowed to fill a cannon with grapeshot. I am NOT to do so with the idea of firing at blank-point range.
** Not to make a shotgun out of two cannons tied together with duct tape.
*not to scream out "FORE!" whenever i kill someone with my great club.
**the same goes for "Hit him for six" or "outta the park!"

*Cannot stuff my pants full of alchemist's fire/delayed blast fireball/ACME dynamite before stuffing myself into a monster's mouth.
*Likewise, with spiked armour/hooked cloak/+5 full plate of vicious vivisection.
*Their is not enough CMB in the world you let you tie the tarrasque appendix into a knot while you are still inside of it.
* It's questionable weather or not using presdigination to taste like a frogemoth's pimpled butt cheeks is enough to stop a monster from eating you.
*..Come to think of it, how do you know what that tastes li- don't tell me I don't wanna know.
*Cannot use sneak attacks inside a monster, even if +I+ would be very surprised if my dinner started stabbing me.
* Not to be swallowed whole by a creature in order to get around it's A.C
* Cannot detonate the creature's esophagus by shoving a base into it's stomach acid and waiting.
*Likewise with vials of poison.
* If you keep this trickery, you're going to have to fight the tapeworms inside the dragon if you're swallowed by it.

[Amidus Drexel]

Originally Posted by Doorhandle

* If you keep this trickery, you're going to have to fight the tapeworms inside the dragon if you're swallowed by it.

** May not Diplomacy, Bluff, Intimidate, or suggest that the tapeworms help me fight the dragon.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Amidus Drexel

** May not Diplomacy, Bluff, Intimidate, or suggest that the tapeworms help me fight the dragon.

***even if i have wild empathy and their damage to the dragon is constant and minimal

[Doxkid]

**** Please...Please don't seduce the tapeworm. That's not what they're there for.

[Ksheep]

* I may not be a tiny-sized commoner with "Tasty", "Chicken Infested", and quick draw just so I can get myself swallowed and proceed to fill the monster to bursting with chickens.

* I may not play a female wizard with a pseudodragon familiar who specializes in telekinesis, dimension door, and prismatic spray.
** Said character has NOT been instructed by her master to write a letter detailing what she's learned at the end of every session.
*** No, she does not dress in all purple.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Ksheep

* I may not play a female wizard with a pseudodragon familiar who specializes in telekinesis, dimension door, and prismatic spray.
** Said character has NOT been instructed by her master to write a letter detailing what she's learned at the end of every session.
*** No, she does not dress in all purple.

****She does not Predesignate her hair to be Navy with a single red stripe each day either

[Sneaky Weasel]

*When playing a Druid, I may not use all my slots of 2nd level and higher to prepare Tree Shape.
**Nor may my first action in every encounter be to cast it.
***I may not gain XP for any encounter that was spent entirely in the form of a tree.
*I may not use a Bag of Tricks as a supply of infinite food.
*Under no circumstances is my gnome druid allowed a rocket launcher.
**Nor is he able to spend a feat for proficiency with it.
***Actually, none of my characters are allowed to have rocket launchers under any circumstances.
*I may not shoot myself with a rocket launcher in order to catch foes in the explosion.
**Nor am I allowed to shoot my animal companion for the same reason.
***I am not allowed to even mention rocket launchers ever again.

[Arbane]

Originally Posted by Sneaky Weasel

*I may not shoot myself with a rocket launcher in order to catch foes in the explosion.

Rocket-Jumping DOES NOT WORK in this game.

[Blightedmarsh]

Edit: sorry, wrong thread.

*I may not forget which game I am playing.

[Arcanist]

Originally Posted by Blightedmarsh

*Stuff that inspired this*

*Vampires are allowed to Sparkle.
**Said Vampires take permanent Negative levels equal to the level adjustment of said template.
***The DM is entitled to hit you with the Libra Mortis if you choose to create a sparkling vampire.
****The Reflex DC for this is always to high for you
*****You always roll a natural 1 on this saving throw

[Hyena]

* None of vampire templates, in fact, give me glitterdust as a spell-like ability.
* If BBEG is planning genocide or destruction of the whole world, may not side with him unless I have a good reason to.
** May not side with BBEG even if I do have a good reason to.

[Metahuman1]

Originally Posted by Arcanist

*Vampires are allowed to Sparkle.
**Said Vampires take permanent Negative levels equal to the level adjustment of said template.
***The DM is entitled to hit you with the Libra Mortis if you choose to create a sparkling vampire.
****The Reflex DC for this is always to high for you
*****You always roll a natural 1 on this saving throw

*May not be a sparkling Vampire just to let my army of endless rabid fangirls do all the work for me.
**Especially out of character.

[Kane0]

*May not decide that forcefully taking ownership of the Pub is a better option than helping the drunk owner
**Especially if my reasoning is "I want a source of income and a free place to rest"
***Even more so if I add the reason "Also I can take over the local gambling den and end up owning this section of town"
Exception: Evil.
**I am not evil, I am true neutral with the soul of a Lawful Evil tagging along
***Should this occur anyway, I am not to keep the key to the Pub for myself.
****I may not be surprised or upset when we have no employees after said takeover
*****No, I may not negotiate with a gambling den to get employees and mutually beneficial business arrangements
******And I may definitely not begin my own Black Market trade to compete with the thieves guild in the same city.
*******Just... no more party face or leadership for me. The best I may do is be the schemer behind the leader of the group.
********No, I may not call my next character Starscream.

[Geigan]

Legend
*When searching for a guy in a maze, I will not forget that one can tunnel.
**Especially since the other guy has seen shawshank redemption, and plans to escape.
***STOP. FORGETTING. TO. GET. AN. EARTHSMASHER'S. PICKAXE.