GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season II [Matches, Standings, and Schedule]

Crow · 10-22-2012, 11:50 AM

GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season II

This thread is where you will see results, leaders, upcoming matches, and highlights. Think of it as our own little Spike! Magazine. When highlights get posted, you will recieve a PM directing you here. Feel free to add trash-talk, boasting, and all manner of Blood Bowl talk here.

If you're looking to manage players or make changes to your team, you want the Team Management Thread.

Blood Bowl Rulebook can be found Here.

The Cup Final Is Over!

Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 2 Final! Rivermen vs. Heroes Play-By-Play

Spoiler

Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 2 Final! Rivermen vs. Heroes Play-By-Play

Welcome Blood Bowl fans to the second Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup! Our two finalists have taken to the pitch, and this match promises to be a really knock-down drag-out. The Styx Rivermen, coming off of an impressive first season, have returned with another strong season, culminating in today's match. Tomb Guardian Bull the Butcher, and Thro-ra Tom Gravy have done a magnificent job getting their team to this point, but can they finish the season strong? The Rivermen have only given up eight touchdowns all season with Bull on the field, meaning today's match promises to be quite rough on the opposing offense. Facing the Rivermen, we have the cinderella Hellbug's Heroes. Left for dead after the first half of the season, the Heroes have put together a strong second half, with the help of a few other teams to get into the playoffs. But that is old news. Since their playoff birth, the Heroes have soundly defeated two heavily-favored opponents, The Fancy Lads, and Red Sabres, to earn this match. Can these giant-killers pull off a third upset in a row to claim the cup? We shall see. The coin is up, and the Rivermen have won the toss. The Rivermen have elcted to receive.

The ball is up, and Tom Gravy has the ball. Gravy moving forward, is angling to his left, Varg and Hatchet are coming up to support, two skeletons arrive to form up the cage.

The Heroes are moving to intercept, they're exploiting the gap left by Hatchet, and are wrapping around the center-field portion of the cage. There is a huge gap in front of Gravy, but the Heroes are within grabbing distance. Gravy dodges free! He's sprinting up the sideline!

The Rivermen position themselves in Gravy's wake, and the Heroes are having trouble getting through to him. They're surrounding Bull the Butcher to try and punch a hole through center-pitch. Beastman Manny blitzes, makes the hit, and Bull is down! Uh-oh, it looks like Bull is K.O.'d. The Heroes are pouring through the gap, but it's too late, Gravy is in! The Rivermen have just taken a one-zero lead in the match!

As Tom celebrates the first touchdown of the match, the Heroes prepare for the ensuing kickoff. The Rivermen are lining up, and the Heroes are set. The kick is up, and beastman Flush has the ball. Flush moves to his right, and is looking for support. Stephan the Slicer lands a block on mercenary Chaos Warrior Khir, and he's out. Flush is looking isolated, but help is on the way.

The Heroes try to move to support Flush, but the Rivermen have them marked to a man. The teams are strewn across the field in small-scale skirmishes, and Flush is looking lost. Stephan the Slicer is looking to make another block, he's got Brunbob in his sights. The hit...and Brunbob is down. The team physicians cart him off the field.

Varg the Ventilator closes on the Flush. There are no Heroes in sight to come to his rescue. Flush attempts to evade, fakes left, Varg isn't fooled, Flush goes right- POW! Clotheslined! The ball pops loose!

Both teams scramble for the loose ball, but the whistle sounds. That's the end of the half.

After the halftime festivities, featuring a guest appearance by the Nibelungs, the teams are lined up once again, and the Heroes are ready to receive to start the second half. Once again, the kick is up, and it bounces to a resting place at the feet of Minotaur Duke Dangerous. Flush runs over and scoops up the ball to begin the drive.

Flush tucks the ball, and it moving up mid-pitch. A bold strategy. His teammates are coming to support, but the Rivermen line is collapsing around the Heroes' cage. The cage is surrounded and the Heroes are dropping one-by-one! Flush is isolated. Here comes Pickaxe Fistinface, and BOOM! Flush is down, the ball is free!

The ball bounces free and nobody can get a hand on it. On the line, Ned the Annihilator is down, Adam Mcgillis is going for a foul! He drops the elbow, and the ref spots it! Mcgillis is ejected. The Heroes are furious, the fans are furious! The pitch and stands erupt in anger.

As the toxic gas clears, the match is back under control. As the scrum at midfield drifts to follow the bouncing ball, the Rivermen clear a space around the ball. Tom Gravy is moving in to scoop it up. He bobbles it! But brings it back under control with his famously sure hands.

Gravy tries to break free, but Orgetorix and Duke Dangerous are there to intercept. Things aren't looking good for Gravy, but here comes Rooster Wilcox to support- and- oh my goodness! Instead of going for the block on Orgetorix, Wilcox is attempting to take down the Duke. He uppercuts, and the minotaur is down! Gravy sees his window, dodges to the left, Orgetorix can't get a hand on him and Gravy is free. He's running downhill...and he's in! The Rivermen go up two-zero, all but assuring victory!

After a brief celebration, the ref reminds the Rivermen that we still have some game to go. The Heroes line up, and Flush prepares to receive once more. The kick is up, and Flush has the ball. The Rivermen are pushing, Pickaxe Fistinface breaks into the backfield and is closing in...and Flush takes a knee. The match is over!

After a disappointing playoff run last season, the Styx Rivermen have returned to claim this GitP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup in their second season. The Rivermen are swarming team owner Crow, and the champagne is flowing. The Heroes are leaving the field, and despite the heartbreak, know that they have accomplished no mean feat in getting this far. Congratulations Styx Rivermen, you are the Seaon 2 Cup Champions!

Hail To The Champions of Season 2!

Spoiler

Crow · 10-22-2012, 11:51 AM

Division A Standings

Rank	Team	Team Value	Wins	Losses	Draws	Div. Record	Points
1	Styx Rivermen	1760	8	1	3	5-0-1	32
2	Tinwë United	1450	5	5	2	3-1-2	20
3	Patched Plagues	1460	5	6	1	3-2-1	19
4	Die Valkyrie	1440	5	6	1	2-3-1	18
5	Iron Giants	1330 (1380)	4	7	1	2-3-1	15
6	Green IS Your Enemy!	1360	4	7	1	2-4-0	15
7	MAIM KILL BURN	1260 (1320)	2	9	1	1-5-0	8

Division B Standings

Rank	Team	Team Value	Wins	Losses	Draws	Div. Record	Points
1	The Fancy Lads	1640	10	1	1	4-0-1	35
2	Red Sabres	1850	6	5	1	3-1-1	22
3	Rampage!	1630	6	4	2	2-1-2	22
4	Hellbug's Heroes	1560	5	6	1	2-3-0	18
5	The Johnnys' Quest	1740	4	5	3	1-3-1	16
6	BEERd	1360	4	6	2	0-4-1	14

League Leaders
(Big thanks to Aedilred, who compiles and formats all this!)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aedilred

In the final clash, Tom Gravy was the Rivermen's hero as he led them to victory, and the cup, rushing 64 yards to score two touchdowns. This means he finishes the season as joint-leading scorer with Tirnen Thirgail, and passes Sessrumnir as the league's leading rusher. He also now holds the record for most career SPPs, although he remains second in this season's tally.

There were few fireworks elsewhere, with Bull the Butcher failing to add to his season tally of KOs or casualties, although both Vercingetorix and Stephan the Slicer moved up a place.

Since the season is over, there's a bumper crop of stats this week. First up are the regular league leaders, including the final results. Then we have the top players from the post-season, followed by the all-time records at the close of Season II, and the single-season records. Some of these are held by rookies, but the rookie record is noted separately where not.

Players marked with an asterisk in the first set of tables played in the All-Stars match in Week 8.

Season II Final Records

SPPs:

Rank	Name	Team	SPPs
1	Morr E.N. Tezz*	Red Sabres	61
2	Tom Gravy*	Styx Rivermen	58
3	Tirnen Thirgail*	Tinwë United	55
4	Lupus “Patches”*	Patched Plagues	54
=5	W. Tell*	The Fancy Lads	49
=5	Bull the Butcher*	Styx Rivermen	49
7	Elvish Blackbeard*	BEERd	45
8	Danforth*	The Fancy Lads	40
9	Göndul*	Die Valkyrie	36
10	Niflheimr*	Rampage!	33

Touchdowns:

Rank	Name	Team	TDs
=1	Tirnen Thirgail*	Tinwë United	17
=1	Tom Gravy*	Styx Rivermen	17
3	Lupus “Patches”*	Patched Plagues	16
4	Morr E.N. Tezz*	Red Sabres	10
5	W. Tell*	The Fancy Lads	9
=6	Sessrumnir*	Rampage!	8
=6	Benediction Johnson	The Johnnys' Quest	8
=8	Niflheimr*	Rampage!	7
=8	Danforth*	The Fancy Lads	7
=8	Fry “John” Cook	The Johnnys' Quest	7
=8	Brunbob*	Hellbug's Heroes	7
=8	Elvish Blackbeard*	BEERd	7

Passes:

Rank	Name	Team	Passes
1	Göndul*	Die Valkyrie	12
2	Dijon “Crazy” Bone	The Johnnys' Quest	10
3	Ingorian Windglaive	Tinwë United	8
4	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Red Sabres	6
=5	Action Johnny	The Johnnys' Quest	2
=5	Ortossi Uialyf	Tinwë United	2
=5	Johnny “Flamenco” Walker	The Johnnys' Quest	2
=5	Johnny 5-Shots*	The Johnnys' Quest	2
=5	W. Tell*	The Fancy Lads	2
=10	(16 others)	Various	1

Casualties:

Rank	Name	Team	Cas
1	Bull the Butcher*	Styx Rivermen	21
2	Stephan the Slicer	Styx Rivermen	8
3	Seb Sha Bal*	Red Sabres	7
4	Hildr	Die Valkyrie	6
=5	**** the Destroyer*	Styx Rivermen	5
=5	Mánagarmr*	Rampage!	5
=5	Valaskjalf	Rampage!	5
=5	John Green*	The Johnnys' Quest	5
=9	Tavros “Argy”	Patched Plagues	4
=9	George “Grafts”*	Patched Plagues	4
=9	Pickaxe Fistinface*	Styx Rivermen	4
=9	Lucille	The Fancy Lads	4
=9	Artemis	The Fancy Lads	4
=9	Frederick	The Fancy Lads	4
=9	Ajax	Hellbug's Heroes	4
=9	Fredo D. Stefani*	Red Sabres	4
=9	Manny	Hellbug's Heroes	4

Kills:

Rank	Name	Team	Kills
1	George “Grafts”*	Patched Plagues	3
2	John Green*	The Johnnys' Quest	2
=3	Lupus “Patches”*	Patched Plagues	1
=3	S. “Fab” Rickas	Red Sabres	1
=3	Long John Hardrock	Styx Rivermen	1
=3	Bones McCoy	Styx Rivermen	1
=3	Lycan “Claws”	Patched Plagues	1
=3	Herfjötur	Die Valkyrie	1
=3	Raksouth	Maim Kill Burn	1
=3	Hildr	Die Valkyrie	1
=3	Orgeterix	Hellbug's Heroes	1
=3	Manny	Hellbug's Heroes	1
=3	Valaskjalf	Rampage!	1
=3	Duke Dangerous	Hellbug's Heroes	1
=3	Big Richard	Styx Rivermen	1
=3	Max Saravia*	Iron Giants	1
=3	Ajax	Hellbug's Heroes	1
=3	Palidos Samôn	Tinwë United	1

KOs:

Rank	Name	Team	KOs
1	Bull the Butcher*	Styx Rivermen	10
2	Orgeterix	Hellbug's Heroes	8
=3	Vercingetorix*	Hellbug's Heroes	6
=3	Lucille	The Fancy Lads	6
=5	Uthanak*	Green IS Your Enemy	5
=5	Fredo D. Stefani*	Red Sabres	5
=5	John Green*	The Johnnys' Quest	5
=5	Ajax	Hellbug's Heroes	5
=5	Stephan the Slicer	Styx Rivermen	5
=5	Clayton Zucco	Iron Giants	5

Interceptions:

Rank	Name	Team	IT
=1	Max Saravia*	Iron Giants	1
=1	Hugh Menz	Iron Giants	1
=1	Bigger-Bones	BEERd	1

Rushing Yards:

Rank	Name	Team	YR
1	Lupus “Patches”*	Patched Plagues	830
2	Tom Gravy*	Styx Rivermen	768
3	W. Tell*	The Fancy Lads	510
4	Sessrumnir*	Rampage!	468
5	Göndul*	Die Valkyrie	418
6	Elvish Blackbeard*	BEERd	410
7	Kaldsorfan the Unstoppable*	Maim Kill Burn	354
=8	Morr E.N. Tezz*	Red Sabres	346
=8	De'Zicrah	Green IS Your Enemy	342
10	Tirnen Thirgail*	Tinwë United	280

Leaders – Post-Season Only

SPPs:

Rank	Name	Team	SPPs
1	Tom Gravy	Styx Rivermen	15
2	Bull the Butcher	Styx Rivermen	13
3	Morr E.N. Tezz	Red Sabres	10
4	Tirnen Thirgail	Tinwë United	9
=5	Tim T-Bone	Styx Rivermen	8
=5	Thelonius Magnum	Hellbug's Heroes	8

Touchdowns:

Rank	Name	Team	TDs
1	Tom Gravy	Styx Rivermen	5
2	Tirnen Thirgail	Tinwë United	3
3	Manny	Hellbug's Heroes	2

Passes:

Rank	Name	Team	Passes
=1	Dijon “Crazy” Bone	The Johnnys' Quest	2
=1	Ingorian Windglaive	Tinwë United	2
=3	Göndul	Die Valkyrie	1
=3	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Red Sabres	1

Casualties:

Rank	Name	Team	Cas
1	Bull the Butcher	Styx Rivermen	4
2	Seb Sha Bal*	Red Sabres	3
=3	Stephan the Slicer	Styx Rivermen	2
=3	Manny	Hellbug's Heroes	2

Kills:

Rank	Name	Team	Kills
=1	Ajax	Hellbug's Heroes	1
=1	Palidos Samôn	Tinwë United	1

KOs:

Rank	Name	Team	KOs
1	Rowe Oulle	Red Sabres	3
=2	Flubs	BEERd	2
=2	Mal D. Nie	Red Sabres	2

Rushing Yards:

Rank	Name	Team	YR
1	Tom Gravy*	Styx Rivermen	236
2	Sessrumnir*	Rampage!	76
3	Manny	Hellbug's Heroes	48
4	Lupus “Patches	Patched Plagues	46
5	Tirnen Thirgail	Tinwë United	38

All-Time Records (at final of Season II)

SPPs:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	SPPs
1	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	95
2	Morr E.N. Tezz	Catcher	Red Sabres, All-Stars II	I-II	90
3	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II	I-II	85
4	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I and II	I-II	66
5	Niflheimr	Catcher	Rampage!, All-Stars II	I	60

Touchdowns:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	TDs
1	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	27
2	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I and II	I-II	20
3	Tirnen Thirgail	Catcher	Tinwë United, All-Stars II	II	17
=4	Morr E.N. Tezz	Catcher	Red Sabres, All-Stars II	I-II	16
=4	Lupus “Patches”	Werewolf	Patched Plagues, All-Stars II	II	16
=6	F.A.S.T. Gonzalo	Gutter Runner	Stinky Feets, All-Stars I	I	11
=6	W. Tell	Thrower	The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II	I-II	11
8	“Itchy” Feet	Catcher	The Trees, The Johnnys' Quest	I	10
9	Niflheimr	Catcher	Rampage!, All-Stars II	I-II	9
=10	Benediction Johnson	Catcher	The Johnnys' Quest	II	8
=10	Danforth	Blitzer	The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II	I-II	8

Passes:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Passes
1	Arms	Thrower	The Trees, All-Stars I	I	13
2	Göndul	Thrower	Die Valkyrie, All-Stars II	II	12
3	Dijon “Crazy” Bone	Thrower	The Johnnys' Quest	II	10
4	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Thrower	Red Sabres	I-II	9
5	Ingorian Windglaive	Thrower	Tinwë United	II	8

Casualties:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Cas
1	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II	I-II	33
2	Fredo D. Stefani	Blitzer	Red Sabres, All-Stars I and II	I-II	16
=3	Mike the Mauler	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I	10
=3	**** the Destroyer	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	10
=5	Long John Hardrock	Skeleton	Styx Rivermen	I-II	8
=5	Stephan the Slicer	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	II	8

Kills:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Kills
1	George “Grafts”	Flesh Golem	Patched Plagues, All-Stars II	II	3
=2	Mike the Mauler	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I	2
=2	Long John Hardrock	Skeleton	Styx Rivermen	I-II	2
=2	John Green	Treeman	The Johnnys' Quest, All-Stars II	II	2
=2	Valaskjalf	Blitzer	Rampage!	I-II	2

KOs:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Kills
=1	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II	I-II	13
=1	Ned the Annihilator	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I	I	13
3	Pickaxe Fistinface	Blitz-Ra	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	9
=4	**** the Destroyer	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	8
=4	Hatchet Footingroin	Blitz-Ra	Styx Rivermen	I-II	8
=4	Orgeterix	Chaos Warrior	Hellbug's Heroes	II	8

Interceptions:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	IT
=1	Max Saravia	Lineman	Iron Giants, All-Stars II	II	1
=1	Hugh Menz	Lineman	Iron Giants	II	1
=1	Bigger-Bones	Blocker	BEERd	II	1

Rushing Yards:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	YR
1	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II	I-II	1126
2	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I and II	I-II	1100
3	Lupus “Patches”	Werewolf	Patched Plagues, All-Stars II	II	830
3	W. Tell	Thrower	Thrower	The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II	I-II
4	Morr E.N. Tezz	Catcher	Red Sabres, All-Stars II	I-II	506
5	GGGrrrrrr	Werewolf	Shambling Horde, All-Stars I	I	500
6	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Thrower	Red Sabres	I-II	490
7	Göndul	Thrower	Die Valkyrie, All-Stars II	II	418
8	Elvish Blackbeard	Runner	BEERd, All-Stars II	II	410
9	Quicky	Pogoer	Da Gabooms, All-Stars I	I	400
10	Kaldsorfan the Unstoppable	Bloodletter	Maim Kill Burn, All-Stars II	II	354

Single-Season Records (including rookie record where different):

SPPs:

Name	Team	SPPs	Season
Morr E.N. Tezz	Red Sabres	61	II
(Rookie) Tirnen Thirgail	Tinwe United	55	II

Touchdowns:

Name	Team	TDs	Season
Tom Gravy	Styx Rivermen	17	II
(Rookie) Tirnen Thirgail	Tinwe United	17	II

Passes:

Name	Team	Pass	Season
Arms	The Trees	13	I

Casualties:

Name	Team	Cas	Season
Bull the Butcher	Styx Rivermen	21	II
(Rookie) Bull the Butcher	Styx Rivermen	12	I
(Rookie) Fredo D. Stefani	Red Sabres	12	I

KOs:

Name	Team	KOs	Season
Bull the Butcher	Styx Rivermen	10	II
(Rookie) Ned the Annihilator	Styx Rivermen	9	I

Kills:

Name	Team	Kills	Season
George “Grafts”	Patched Plagues	3	II

Interceptions:

Name	Teams	IT	Season
Max Saravia	Iron Giants	1	II
Hugh MenzIron Giants	1	II
Bigger-Bones	BEERd	1	II

Rushing Yards:

Name	Team	SPPs	Season
Lupus “Patches”	Patched Plagues	830	II

Crow · 10-22-2012, 11:53 AM

Regular Season Schedule and Results
Now with Calender Girls, courtesy Die Valkyrja!

Spoiler

Playoff Schedule and Results

Spoiler

Oh My God · 10-24-2012, 11:48 AM

SportsNight

MVP Discussion - Dan and Casey's Picks

Most Valuable Player: Göndul. End of story. She's just an amazing Valkyrie. Flat out amazing. Without her, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants would be doomed. They'd be sitting at the bottom of the rankings with MAIM KILL BURN and the Iron Giants. This isn't just her play on the pitch, either. As the heart and soul of her team, she's helped her fellow non-fellows get through the hardships and emotional rollercoaster that is the sport of professional Blood Bowl.

Offensive Player of the Year: Morr E.N. Tezz. Can you believe this guy? Spryer than an elf, and cockier to boot. This guy is a real class act. While we're surprised he didn't clean up in the rain this last week, one dropped stitch does not a disaster make. We wouldn't be surprised if he secured a second notch in his belt this year at the Big Game.

Defensive Player of the Year: No real surprise here. Bull the Butcher has returned for a second season of carnage. How bloody, you ask? As of this writing, the A.S.B. has him listed as causing more than the next three spots on the list combined. Good grief. The other team can't score if they're not on the pitch, and with Bull around, they won't be.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: How do you win the game? You score touchdowns. And no one's done that better with a worse team than Tirnen "Top" Thirgail. Currently standing at the top of the Touchdown chart, and the leading rookie with SPP, Tirnen has put up some really impressive numbers this season. But even more than that he's done something that no one else has done in the history of the League; scored four touchdowns in a single match. And this wasn't against some gormless team, sitting its stars. Goodness no. Top Tirnen run these record setting touchdowns in against the ace Johnnies who were fortified by the presence of a dreaded Riverman. Short version? Tinwë United is going to the playoffs for one reason. This guy.

Defensive Rookie of the Year: We wish we could give the nod to the Iron Giants Max Saravia for his game changing interception from early in the season, but unfortunately... he's followed a training regime which will consign the poor fellow to the dustbin of history. Dirty Player has fallen far in its usability since the days of classic Get the Ref! and massive bonuses on damage. Beyond that, the players never seem to know quite when to stick the boot in as they pass up golden chances to foul excellent targets about as often as they jam up rookies and get ejected without causing an injury. And then there's the ever odious +1 AV. We're hoping this guy gets cut from the Giants' roster next year.

Who's getting it, you ask? George "Grafts" of the Patched Plagues. This guy is a beast, and he's only going to get better next season. He's the lynchpin to the defensive line of the Plagues. When you consider that the -rest- of the line are zombies with such auspicious names as "Fodder" and... well, "Fodder", you know that this guy and his slightly less impressive brother Frank are the ones doing the really heavy lifting.

Week 1:

Spoiler

Week 2:

Spoiler

" Hello! I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Gorkamork Gogurt. The green yogurt that tastes so good it'll make your head explode!"

" In a quick recap of last week; some games were played. No one died. There weren't any huge upsets. And I got one of the production assistants phone numbers after last weeks show."

" ... that was a Black Ork in drag, Dan."

" ... moving on, we take a quick look at some of the games coming up in this week."

" First off are the Styx Rivermen facing off against Rampages!. Both teams are looking to hold on to the momentum they picked up in week one. Dan?"

" An interesting rematch from last season. I think the one thing that anyone can say for certain is that its going to be a real blood bath."

" Skeletons don't have blood, Dan."

" Too true Casey. Any suggestion, Joe?"

" Smash bash!"

" Splendid. Ever the wordsmith, Joe."

" With their impressive demonstration of passing skills last week, Tinwë United is looking for a win against the Patched Plague by trying to aim for their own players this time."

" Tinwë actually has a shot at this one. Sure, the werewolves -seem- scary, but their claws aren't any more dangerous to the poorly protected elves than a punch from a halfling."

" A halfling would actually pose more of a threat, Dan. Hitting low, if you will."

" Yikes. This one hinges on the special training the coach of United has one of his players undertaking; if the right man winds up passing, the game should go brilliantly for the agile elves."

" And if their daft catcher keeps trying to throw to himself, they'll wind up six feet under."

" A little bit of undead humor there."

" Hur hur hur hur! "

" With the Fancy Lads having this week as a bye, Dan's only chance for catching any sight of pretty Black Orks will be the team Green IS your enemy! facing off against Die Valkyrie. Personally, I'm still shocked the lovely ladies of the Amazon didn't pull off a big upset against the Rivermen last week. Look for them to start gaining steam here in week two."

" I like the Orcs in this particular confrontation. The layout of your typical Orc squad is solid any way you slice it. Its hard to go wrong. "

" Typical is right, Casey. And given that you keep mistaking Black Orks for ladies, you obviously have a firm grasp on the atypical. So you'll have to agree, what could be more atypical than a team of athletic women, eh? Eh?"

" Joe SMASH MISOGYNY! GRAAAH."

*FFZZT-ZZZT*

" And.. we are having some magical difficulties. The wizard on location with Joe seems to have been knocked unconscious by the enraged ogre. Hopefully, someone remembered to bring the smelling salts and we'll have their CABALVISION connection back up shortly."

" While we're waiting for him to come back around, lets talk about the Iron Giants and the Johnny's Quest."

" Yes, lets!"

" So, do you think that Johnny's Quest can keep its run going up to two wins consecutive, Casey?"

" Let me answer your question with a question. Can the Giants continue their elf styming trend in to week two, Dan? "

" It'll be rough. Two wardancers is bad enough, but that Treeman John Green is going to make it difficult for the Giants to hold the center of the pitch. "

" That it will be. Next up is the defending champs, the Red Sabres facing off against the charmingly named BEERd."

" The most interesting game of the week is right here, folks. The Sabres have veteran players, an excellent coach, and the cachet of championship."

" Never say cachet again, Dan."

" On the other hand, BEERd has a squad of deranged alcoholics with Napolean complexes that combine to the size of the Cold Lands."

" Oddly enough, who wins the coin toss will matter a lot on this one."

" Why's that, Casey? "

" If the Sabres start with the ball, they'll likely score a fast touchdown. The dwarve line isn't quite fast enough to keep up with those quick Human catchers. The short, bearded maniacs then can take their time scoring in the remainder of the first half, crunching down the field at their slow, drunken pace."

" Which means that BEERd has the whole second half to grind a touchdown in, eating up the clock. Brilliant!"

" Genius! "

" Smash! "

" And it looks like our wizard on the scene has the connection back. Welcome back, Joe."

" And our last match of the week is between two Chaos teams. Should be quiet a bloodbath."

" Well, it would if this were week fourteen, Dan. As it is, both teams are relatively light in the violence department. Surreally, this match will come down to who can handle the ball better, not who can smash the best."

" Smashing is da' best."

" Thanks for that, Joe. And that's all we have for you this week. I'm Casey McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell. And remember, respect women, or they'll put the boot to you when you're down. This was SportsNight."

Week 3

Spoiler

Week 5:

Spoiler

Week 7

Spoiler

Week 9

Spoiler

" Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by the University of Rotterheim. An educated zombie is a zombie with a future. Get some brrrrrrains!"

" We're taking a look at how the sport has changed. Changed for the better, or changed for the worse, many will argue that point. But one thing no one can argue is that it has been a dramatic change."

" One of the most obvious changes to the sport as a whole is the position of journeyman on a team's roster. In the old days, teams weren't allowed to have players take part in the match unless they were officially on the team. This often led to some teams playing with nine, seven, or sometimes fewer players on the pitch."

" Journeymen allow teams to focus on just playing the sport, and not worrying so hard about a gradual spiral into destruction, shame, and fan-mounted raids on the clubhouse."

" I once saw Startrek.nl play a game where they had one player on the pitch."

" Couldn't have been pretty for the wood elves, could it?"

" No, it was fine. He won, actually."

"... Moving on."

" I would argue that, once upon a time, Stand Firm was the best skill in the game."

" Oh?"

" Indeed. What causes turn-overs like mad? Dodges failing. What else? Go For Its failing. What did the old Stand Firm do? Prevent them -entirely-. That's right. You could attempt a dodge, no matter how insane, and not worry. Take that mummy of yours and have him try to dodge into five tackle zones. On a six, he succeeds! On any other result... he just stays where he was. It was magic."

" The number of disgusting plays I'd seen happen with Flesh Golems? Lord almighty."

" These days, Claw simply sets the armor of the blocked player to seven. Simple. Clean. And, for elves, it means that claws don't really do much of anything, allowing Wood Elves to just giggle and stick out their tongue at werewolves and chaos monsters alike."

" But back in the glory days, Claw -added- a whopping two to your armor penetration roll."

" For those of you keeping track out there, that lowered an elf's effective armor to five. -Five-."

" And that's not all, Casey. There was the dreaded, disgusting, totally amazing Razor Sharp Claws. Someone was worried that simply breaking armor like it was paper wasn't good enough, so they created this skill. It adds two to the -injury roll-."

" Consider how much we worry about mighty blow, with a mere +1 to penetration -or- injury. A Claw/RSC player had +2 to both! Mind blowing!"

" Lastly, a quick look at the post-game experience's most infamous component; aging. The aging mechanic forced every player to make an increasingly more difficult check whenever they gained a skill. Fail the check, and you gained a serious injury trait!"

" Simple as that, Dan. And, though it was difficult, a player could fail the roll on his very first skill! "

" Right you are. Nothing like having a Wardancer gain a niggling injury after a single game, and not even from something as expected as a massive pile of dwarves kicking him in the bits."

" Which brings up the dreaded niggling injury. Now, a niggle just increases the odds of the player exploding into a bloody mist every time they're hit."

" Bad, we grant you. But how bad?"

" Compared to the old niggles which had a one in six chance of -preventing the player from taking the pitch at all-."

" That's right! And if you had multiple niggles, every. Single. One. Had a one in six chance of keeping you off the pitch."

" Not only was it frustrating, it wasn't fun. And we're oh so glad its changed."

" We hoped you enjoyed this look back. I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was SportsNight."

Week 12

Spoiler

" Tonight on a very special SportsNight, we're going to take a moment to talk about a very real problem."

" We've been confused by the general optimism shown towards a certain team, and a general lack of straight talking. That team's name? Tinwe United."

" So we've taken a look at their upcoming game and taken it apart, piece by piece, to demonstrate why exactly we here at SportsNight think that they're a completely rubbish team who've got as much shot at the playoffs as they do at being the first elves to land on the moon."

" Winless since Week Six, Tinwe's fans have been deserting the Union in droves over the past several weeks of their trudge to the bottom. Yes folks, that's right. Week Six. Even Hellbug's Heroes and MAIM KILL BURN have gotten a win more recently than that. I would call it shameful, but really, that's an insult to shame. The only other team to go this long winless? Green Is Your Enemy! Hells bells, BEERd has won twice in that span of time. Incidentally, one of those wins the dwarves snagged? A Three-One victory over Tinwe. You heard me right folks. Dwarves utterly blew out elves."

" Inducements are the one really shiny spot for Tinwe. We'll almost certainly be seeing a serious Star Player taking the field, and probably one or two dirty tricks besides. Of course, even with the Star Player, Tinwe'll still be down a player in a game that'll come down to injuries."

" Comparing their positionals.. the Johnny's have an edge so sharp it bleeds. Four Catchers to two catchers; all of the Johnny's Catchers have at least one skill and most have an ability increase. 'Itchy' Feet in particular is a threat that should not be underestimated; with a potential movement of twelve and a built in reroll on his Go-For-Its, his redzone is the fifty yard line."

" Tinwe's best catcher, Tirnen Thirgail, falls short in comparison to this beast. The greater strength shouldn't matter, as neither of these players should be in the thick of it; their role is punching touchdowns in. The Johnny's have four of these touchdown monsters, while Tinwe's lone backup Catcher has the impressive and singular skill of... being slightly slower than he was when he started. Way to be unique, Palidos, way to be."

" Blitzers is the one spot where Tinwe has a slight edge. With two Blitzers to the one Wardancer, Tinwe has a shot at finally being able to disrupt some plays."

" Of course, 5-Shots is that one step faster than either Ienora or Valinor. Between that step and leap, his manueverability is much higher."

" On the other hand, his Dauntless character won't be worth much against the Pro Elves."

" On the gripping hand, Casey, if the worst thing that you can say is,' I won't need this special skill to deal with my enemy because my enemy is so stonking weak it doesn't apply to even their strongest player', then you're probably doing alright."

" Yes indeedy. Moving on, their throwers are almost identical. Almost, that is, except that ( as will become a constant refrain ), the Tinwe plodder Ingorian Windglaive is one step slower than Dijon ‘Crazy’ Bone. A lone step that'll almost certainly be telling."

" Oh, and the little fact that Dijon has completed over THREE TIMES more passes than the sadsack which is Ingorian Windglaive. What a pile! Seriously. It can't be overstated what a blow the sheer incompetence of this absolutely maladroit puddle splasher is to Tinwe."

" Yikes. Looking at their linemen, every single United player is worse than his counterpart on the Johnny's from the get-go. That one step slower is the difference between locking up tackle zones, that one extra die roll for a Go For It. This is the painfaul part for Tinwe. Taking skills in to account, amazingly, it actually doesn't get too much worse for Tinwe. While a mere half of their six linemen have skills, the same can be said of the Johnny's with three out of their five. With one of their linemen sporting the functional yet personally unimpressive Leader, the Johnny's skills come out in the wash, balancing out the increased agility one of their other linemen possesses."

" And the worst was saved for last; the positionals that the Johnny's have which Tinwe doesn't have at all. Treeman and Tomb Guardian."

" Yes, folks, you heard that right. The Wood Elves of Johnny's Quest are being allowed to field a Khemri player. Don't ask us, we just read the news."

" With two high strength mighty blow players, the Quest will be dealing out the harshness all game long. "

" If Rampage had mauled the Johnny's in week ten, this might be a game. But we're pretty confident that all in all, it won't be. Tinwe will be lucky if they score a single touchdown, and the Johnny's won't be leaving with less than three touchdowns. If they're going to get four touchdowns in a game this season, this'll be it."

" When all's said, anything can happen. But anything being possible doesn't mean anything is probable. Best case scenario for Tinwe United is they come out uninjured and with a tie. While they haven't a snowflakes chance in the hot place to pull off a win, a tie might just be possible."

" Possible but entirely unlikely. The Johnny's do poorly when they're outbashed. Tinwe isn't going to outbash them, especially not with ringer Ned the Annihilator swinging. So TINWE is going to lose badly. QED. Our official SportsNight prediction? Four-One, Johnny's, and at least two of the Pro Elves are going to be retiring after the game from injuries, fatal or otherwise."

" I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was a very special SportsNight."

Crow · 10-24-2012, 05:37 PM

Spike! Magazine

Individual Season Awards

Spike! Magazine is here to make their picks for this season's individual player awards. Without further delay, here they are!

Most Valuable Player
This award goes without a doubt to Morr E.N. Tezz, of the Red Sabres. This guy has brought the Sabres back from the brink many times in this season alone, and has one of the most impressive statlines in the league for a player at his position. He does it all, rushing, receiving, and even blitzing. If that wasn't enough, the man overcame an injury so severe that the majority of owners in the league would have cut him. Despite this injury, he has played at a very high level, and is the keystone to the Sabres' success.

Offensive Player of the Year
Gondul, of Die Valkyrie takes this one. Not only does she lead the league in passing, but she has racked up a number of touchdowns on the ground as well. This versatility has allowed an unorthodox offense to take form on the amazonian pitch, where a passing play can turn into a big rushing play, and then back to a passing play almost without warning. Die Valkyrie is one of the most difficult offenses to prepare against, and Gondul is the primary reason.

Defensive Player of the Year
Bull the Butcher, without question. Even sitting out the last two matches of the season, Bull has amassed a whopping casualty and K.O. total in his record-breaking season. Bull leads a defensive unit which has pummeled every offense it has faced, collapsing the line of scrimmage and removing players from the pitch early and often. Bull's ballcarrier removal service has been responsible for more casualties than some entire teams, and has set the gold standard for bashers in the league's short history.

Offensive Rookie of the Year
Tirnen Thirgail of Tinwe United. This guy IS the elf offense. Sitting high in the touchdowns chart, setting the single-game record for touchdowns scored, and doing it on a team who's play is suspect even at the best of times. This player has made such an impact on the Tinwe offense, that were he not there, the elves wouldn't be sitting in playoff territory right now.

Defensive Rookie of the Year
George "Grafts" of the Patched Plagues takes home this honor. While Hildr of Die Valkyrie was a strong candidate for this award, George wins by riding his one-man dismantling of the Styx Rivermen. Facing one of the toughest lines in the game, "Grafts" KILLED (again) two Rivermen. George has a dominant command of the line of scrimmage in every game he plays, and is a big part of teammate Lupus "Patches"' success. Lupus leans toward George's side of the pitch on nearly every rushing play, and for good reason. On defense, George's side is the first to break through and open up a hole for the wights and werewolves. "Grafts" is a beast.

(((((((((())))))))))

Back-Issues

/Older Issues May Disappear Due to 50k Character Limit

/

Week 3

Spoiler

Impact Game of the Week

MAIM KILL BURN vs. Iron Giants

This week, only one match features two winless teams going head to head. MKB are newcomers to the cup scene, and still getting the hang of the game, having begun the season on a bye. Last week, poor ball-handling dashed any hopes of a win in their season-opener as their opponents capitalized mercilessly on their errors. The Iron Giants are coming away from two great performances against very good teams which they just could not finish. In week one, they picked off Tinwë United twice and were unable to make the most of the opportunities, settling for a draw. Last week, against an excellent Johnnys' Quest team, they got bloodied, but still could have won had they taken advantage of wood elf turnovers.

MKB is a team without an identity on offense. Their lone score last week was an opportunistic touchdown after a Hellbug turnover. On defense, they play a relentless, attacking style, and they should be able to do this even more effectively against the Giants, who lack any significant strength on the roster. Without a clear plan on offense, it will be important that the MKB defense play well, and keep the Giants in their own territory. This will allow them to take advantage of loose balls, and hopefully convert them to touchdowns.

The Iron Giants, despite being built as a balanced team, have shown no such balance on their offensive drives. The tools are in place, but the tools have not been up to the job. While this may be a result of the swarming nature of the elf defenses which they have faced, the true test will be in this match. While, the MKB defense is aggressive, it is not as especially mobile as the Giants' first two opponents. This should give the Giants some space to work with. Also of note is that the Giants are down two starters, their replacements will not be as adept at taking advantage of the second chances that the Iron Giants' coaches love. On defense, MKB is sure to give the Giants opportunities, and they must take them. If the Giants defense can end one MKB drive and take away the ball, that may be all they need to win the match.

Both of these teams need to establish an offensive identity and come in with a solid gameplan. We here at Spike! would love to see underachieving throwers Fred Johns or Javier Rockefeller make some safe, accurate throws to the two underutilized Giants catchers. MAIM KILL BURN just needs someone to step up and learn how to pick up the ball, keep it secure, and move quickly towards the endzone. Whatever the gameplan of either team, the Giants have played two good matches, and I'm picking this one as the one that they finally break through and notch a win.

Crow's Pick:
MAIM KILL BURN 0 - 1 Iron Giants

Week 4

Spoiler

Week 5

Spoiler

Week 6

Spoiler

Quicky's Keys To Victory, Week 6

With week 6 approaching, and every playoff spot still up for grabs, we have some pivotal games lined up for this Wednesday. That is why I, Quicky, will draw upon my vast Blood Bowl experience, accumulated during my MVP-worthy season spent with Da Gabooms. Don't let my resume intimidate you, my modesty is only surpassed by my Blood Bowl knowledge!

Our first match of the week is the champion Red Sabres versus The Johnnys' Quest. In my opinion, the Quest is poised to crush these Sabres like a deathroller blitzing a snotling, with Bull the Butcher pushing! All will rely upon their ability to get receivers open, and get the ball to them. If the elf catchers can dodge away from the Sabres coverage, and their throwers can deliver the ball accurately, almost nothing can stop them. The Sabres have a tall order in this match, and we have seen that even a severely battered roster doesn't slow the elves down much, unless you can *really* beat the tar out of them, which we haven't seen the Sabres be able to do. For that reason, the Sabres need to throw the ball like they have never done before, and hope to win the shootout. This means getting Fernand O.E. Arrow to sling the ball like a Fancy Lad. Then, they *may* have a shot to take down the Johnnies.

Next up on the schedule is MAIM KILL BURN versus Green IS Your Enemy! The key for my glorious orc cousins is going to be *blocking*. The cultists of MKB often let their rage get the better of them, and the orcs will need to overcome this with skill. Hopefully, they can outplay MKB in the blocking game and it will transfer into good offense and defense for GIYE. MAIM KILL BURN, if they wish to win, is going to need to score more touchdowns than they have recently. You almost have to assume that GIYE will score at least one touchdown, meaning MKB needs two. This is going fall squarely on the claws of Kaldsorfan. He needs to be ready, with a strong gameplan, to carry the ball, and be able to get clear of the orc blockers coming his way, because with the frenzied nature of the rest of his team, he can't expect a whole lot of support. As much as I hate to say it, Kaldsorfan needs to channel the great runners of yore, such as myself, and put MKB on his back to carry them to victory.

Next up, The Fancy Lads take on Tinwe United. To be completely honest, I couldn't tell you what the illustrious Lads need to do to win this game. Not because I don't think they can, but because their manners of winning, and scoring the number of touchdowns they have, is a complete mystery to me! They seem to have no overarching offensive or defensive doctrine, and I guess all I can say to team owner Houlio, is just keep doing what you're doing! Tinwe United on the other hand, is much more cut and dry. Play for the kill, boys. Not literally, of course, because we saw you try to do that against the Rivermen! What I mean is throw the ball, and throw it well! If Tinwe wants to beat this excellent lads team, thrower Ingorian Windglaive needs to be accurate with his throws, and avoid the fumbles that the Tinwe throwers have been suffering from. If they can do this, expect a blowout of the Lads.

After this will be Hellbug's Heroes against the Styx Rivermen. The Rivermen are going to have a significantly harder time inflicting casualties on this tough Chaos team, and will need to play well since they cannot depend on depleting the Heroes' numbers on the pitch. This means clock management. If the Rivermen don't give the Heroes time to score, and can hold them off on one good defensive drive, they stand an excellent chance. The Heroes can win this game. It will come down to the beastman Brunbob. As the only Heroes player who has shown an affinity for running the ball, a good practice week, and preparation to execute running plays can pay dividends for the Heroes. If Brunbob is ready to run, expect nothing less than a draw for the Heroes, *if* Brunbob stays healthy.

Following this match will be the Dwarves of BEERd against Rampage! I still have bad memories of our face-off against Rampage, but I think the dwarves are a little better equipped than my Gabooms were. BEERd needs a deathroller. They should be able to swing hiring one against this superior norse team, and if they do, I think they stand a good chance of keeping this a 1-0 match in their favor. Sessrumnir of Rampage will try to see to it that this is not the case. But along with Sessrumnir, is the werewolf standout Managarmr, who has been having some excellent matches. If I am team owner snkls, I am figuring that Sessrumnir will play well as always, but I am banking on Managarmr. Put that werewolf in the weight room to bulk up for the match. This dog has the hot claws, and I think he is poised to stay on a roll!

Lastly, we will be watching the Iron Giants, coming off their bye week, taking on the Patched Plagues. The Plagues ARE good. Despite their record. The Iron Giants are going to have a tough match ahead of them, but should be receiving some significant inducement cast. If it is me, I am trying to find a way to put that cash towards a mercenary Ogre. Having that presence on the field is something the Plagues haven't much dealt with, and could swing the match in favor of the Giants. The Patched Plagues have things much easier. They have shown complete dominance of the wings, thanks to their werewolves, and I think by keeping the game in their hands, they can't go wrong. With their two flesh golems keeping the center safe, the wolves should have yet another game, if team owner Necroticplague invests in them like he has.

So there you have it! My key to victory for this week. Good luck to you all, because after all, without a runner like me on your team, you will need it!

Week 7

Spoiler

Crow Calls Press Conference Over Fredo Remarks

Hey there sports fans! It seems that Styx Rivermen owner Crow, called an emergency press conference to address the uproar over remarks he made regarding Sabres blitzer Fredo D. Stefani. Luckily, one of our snotlings was there to bring you this transcript of the conference:

Quote:

Crow: Ok, first question, please.

GGGrrrrrrr, Plagues Beat-writer: Were the comments you made about Fredo trrrrrue? Is he rrrrrreally clean this season?

C: Absolutely not. Fredo is an accomplished player and the focus teams have placed on him this season has limited his impact so far. I would never suggest that a player of his calibre was playing dope-free.

GGG: But isn't that exactly what you said?

C: Next Question, please.

Fallon Silverwave, Tinwë Gazette: What about your comment that Mr. Stefani was washed up? Isn't it true that you said he was washed up and finished?

C: Yes, that is totally true. Fredo had just finished a tough game, and had hit the showers to wash off the dirt and grime. When I made that comment it had been at least a day since the game, so I assume he was finished bathing by then.

FS: But Crow, that explaination makes no sense considering the context of the comment. Care to explain that, for us?

C: Bull, explain that for me please.

Bull the Butcher: ERRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr -SMASH!-

C: Next Question.

Drip Bubblegutz, Spike! Magazine: How do you explain your recommendation to Sabres owner Aedilred, that he should cut Fredo D. Stefani immediately?

C: I meant that he should cut the man a check immediately. Fredo is one of the finest blitzers in this league, and well underpaid. I think his slow start may be due to a lack of focus due to the uncertainty in his contract situation.

DB: ...

C: Ok, no more questions. Stay classy everybody.

So there you have it, from the man himself. Hopefully, this will put to rest any rumors of bad blood between the Sabres blitzer and Rivermen owner.

All-Star Week:

Spoiler

Exclusive! All-Star Bounty Scandal Uncovered!

With the All-Star match set to take place, we at Spike! Magazine, your premier source for everything Blood Bowl, have uncovered amazing news. It seems that upon hearing of the changes to this year's All-Star match in regards to injuries, several team coaches have been implicated in bounty programs.

While pay-for-injury 'bounties' are nothing new to Blood Bowl, some are saying that this violates the spirit of the All-Star match, which traditionally has been a week for relaxation and good-spirited sportsmanship. However, it was only a matter of time before team managers began to take advantage of the excellent opportunity the match presents. At no other time during the season can a coach expect that any player his team injures during a match will be a highly-decorated, star player. We tracked down league commissioner, Crow, to ask him about the scandal:

Quote:

Spike! Magazine: Crow, what do you intend to do in order to address this bounty scandal?

Crow: I haven't had any evidence presented to me so far, so I can't really comment on that. So far this is all just hearsay.

S!: What do you say to those who are saying that you have a conflict of interest as far as this game is concerned? Isn't it true that you have two players who stand a good chance to put a lot of opponents out of commission in the All-Star Match? Wouldn't those injuries benefit your team?

C: Yes, they would benefit the Rivermen. They would also benefit any other teams that faced opponents with injured players. I don't see how this is a conflict of interest. I have a number of players on the squad, elected by my gracious fellow owners, and the way I see it, probably have a proportionately greater risk than any other team out there. My guys could get hurt too.

S!: Fair enough then. Any predictions for the match?

C: Division A gets revenge on Division B, and sacks them 3-0.

As we made our way through the All-Star pavillion to our next interview, we ran into Rampage!'s star thrower, Sessrumnir!

Quote:

S!: Oops! Sorry.

Sessrumnir: Afsakið, vatch yourselv nex time.

S!: Sessrumnir, it's you! Care to comment on the alleged bounty opposing coaches have placed on you for the All-Star match?

SMR: Já, I vill play hard like alvays. I have price on head every time I go out dere. Let them bounty, I vill danse in deir enzone as I alvays do.

S!: Very well! Good luck, Sess!

SMR: Já takk.

Our final interview is vith- er, with, Göndul, of Die Valkyrie, the league's top thrower:

Quote:

S!: Thank you for taking the time to answer our questions.

Göndul: It is nothing. I am so happy to be a part of the All-Star match. I hope to do some passing this match, but we will see what coach OMG has planned.

S!: Are you worried about the alleged bounties that are being placed on star players in the upcoming match?

G: Truthfully, a little. Nobody wants to get hurt, and All-Star day is a day for fun. But this IS blood bowl.

S!: If evidence of a bounty scandal is uncovered, do you think league commissioner Crow should take action? What action should that be?

G: That depends on whether it benefits Die Valkyrie or not. I don't think the boys on my side will play any harder, bounty or not. Have you SEEN them?

S!: Well, yes, they are a formidable bunch.

G: Oh yes, especially that handsome werewolf, Lupus. He is SO sexy! That reminds me, I need to get to the practice facility!

S!: Göndul, I believe practice is over the day. Most of the players are in the showers already.

G: Já, I know!

We weren't able to keep up with the fleet amazon thrower to ask any more questions. It would seem that any investigation into this bounty scandal will need to wait until after the match. With luck, by then some evidence will have been produced to conclusively settle this situation. Unfortunately, for some players, that may be too late. If you have any information relating to the scandal, Spike! Magazine wants to hear from you. Until next time, enjoy the match!

Week 9

Spoiler

Week 11

Spoiler

Week 12

Spoiler

Week 13

Spoiler

An Interview With Red Sabres Coach and Owner Aedilred

This week, we at Spike! got an opportunity to sit down with the coach and owner of the Red Sabres, Aedilred. Despite furious game preparation, this gracious coach was willing to answer a few of our questions. Here are the highlights:

Quote:

S!: The Red Sabres are one of the most successful teams in this league. What is the secret to the Sabres' success?

Æ: If I knew, I wouldn't tell you! The quality of some of our players helps, with the stat raises and doubles skills, and so on, but that's largely down to luck, and I don't think we've done any better from our rolls than teams with similar experience. I suppose we're quite a balanced side, with good flair players but also tough enough that the players can stay on their feet against block-heavy teams, so at least on paper, we can give a good account of ourselves against anyone.

S!: How do you explain the Sabres' slow starts, and their late-season surges in each of the past two seasons?

Æ: Scheduling is part of it: we've started both seasons against strong teams. But the team also develops as the seasons go on, and we usually end a season playing a team much closer to our ideal than at the start. In both seasons the squad has been a bit unbalanced at the beginning and only corrected itself over time.

S!: Some people are saying that Fredo D. Stefani has become complacent. Others are saying he has lost a step. What's the real deal?

Æ: I think it's a measure of the team's success, really. Last season Fredo was the only member of the team really making an impact for most of the season. This time the rest of the players have raised their game, which means less low-hanging fruit for Fredo, but better results overall. Of course, it would be nice if he could deliver a few more casualties, but there's no shortcut to that. He has all the tools; it's just hoping he can take his opportunities.

S!: The Sabres had an excellent Ogre last season, but you opted to cut him and sign the lackluster Seb Sha Bal. Do you regret that decision?

Æ: I don't lose any sleep over it. Seb hasn't had as much of an impact as Joe did, but what he's really in the team for is to stop us getting mauled by bigger, stronger outfits like we were at the start of last season, and he's done that really well. This season we've done much better at keeping our players on the pitch, and I think that's at least partly because we've had an ogre for the whole season.

Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but Joe's asking fee for this season was outrageous. We couldn't afford that.

S!: For two seasons, you have been handling statistics and record-keeping for the league office. Does your position lend you any special insights when it comes to game planning? The Sabres seem to have a knack for being well-prepared for every match.

Æ: It gives me an idea of what to expect from our opponents, but a lot of that is pretty much common knowledge anyway. It's no secret that the Johnnys are good in the air, for instance, or that the Rivermen are physically strong. Obviously I can't really affect anything that happens on the pitch, either. Perhaps it gives me an idea of weaknesses to exploit, but we've tended to follow similar gameplans for most matches and just trust in the players to deliver.

S!: Which team would you most like the Sabres to NOT run into during the playoffs, this post-season?

Æ: The Rivermen, definitely. There aren't any soft matches this time, but the Rivermen are the most troubling. I think we got lucky with the draw last post-season with the Stinky Feets taking them out in the semifinal; this season they've looked unbeatable, not to mention the injuries they inflict. I can't see our side improving significantly from the defeat to them in Week 12, so it's hard to know where any extra edge would come from. Although next time they probably won't have a wardancer.

S!: Which player in this league do you think is going to have the most profound impact on their team down the stretch? What about the playoffs?

Æ: It's difficult to know which teams will make the playoffs even at this stage, but I think the most important player for any team right now is Lupus "Patches" at the Plagues. Most teams can survive even without their lead star, but the Plagues seem to lean on Lupus heavily, and even their other werewolf has dropped out of the picture a bit.

Another one to watch is Elvish Blackbeard of BEERd, who's had a quietly impressive season in a struggling team.

S!: If you had to give one piece of advice to a new coach in this league, what would it be?

Æ: I suppose the main thing is not to let losses discourage you. The Sabres were terrible for a lot of last season and Tinwe have done badly for much of this one but both teams are now posting scoring records. I'd also stress the importance for a new team of an apothecary, and any fan factor you can afford! They'll repay investment many times over.

Aedilred · 10-25-2012, 02:08 PM

KO! Magazine

The Cockroach of News

No, we're not out of red ink [actually, we are – Ed], we're just in MOURNING after all the tragedies befalling some of our favourite Blood Bowl stars these last couple of weeks.

First to fall was everybody's favourite swimwear model, and one of the greatest contributors to the art of greenskin ballet, George, the Fancy Lads blitzer. We are particularly disappointed, as we were planning to run a feature on the interior decoration of George's mansion next week! Still, all is not lost, as we've been able to procure exclusive access to the bushes at George's funeral, so look out for our TASTEFUL supplement on the ceremony as he's finally laid to rest.

Meanwhile, defending cup champions the Red Sabres are in SHOCK following their defeat to Hellbug's Heroes and the loss of veteran lineman N. Rico Gleyzass. Rico was a favourite of ours here at KO! and we're all sorry to see that he's gone for good. Meanwhile RECRIMINATIONS have been flying around the Sabres camp about the defeat! We put Bill and Brenda on the case to find out what's going on!

A number of players are believed to BLAME superstar catcher Morr E.N. Tezz for the defeat! For the second week running, M.E.N.T., one of the greatest human catchers in recent times, was nothing like his usual self! Some of the Sabres players apparently suspect he was POISONED before the match, although others say it had more to do with him being out BOOZING the night before!

While M.E.N.T. was busy LOSING the Sabres the match, three angry fans BESIEGED the offices of the MVP selectors, claiming that the awards were FIXED! Despite his lacklustre performance, M.E.N.T. was awarded the MVP for the second week in a row, and the third time in four weeks!These fans DEMAND that not only are the MVP selectors fired, but that former captain Fredo D. Stefani be reinstated as captain! Not sure they're in the right place for that!

In the final, there's not much eye-candy on display, but we can be assured of lots of violence, as the two hardest-hitting teams in the league come head to head! We asked an anonymous expert for his opinion on how the final's going to go!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous Expert

Dey's gonna smash!

KO! are also delighted to announce a GIVEAWAY of tickets for the cup final! Just write in with your name, address and bank details and you'll be put into our PRIZE DRAW for ringside seats! You might even get to maim one of your favourite players as they get pushed into the crowd!

It's been a great season, folks! Until next time!

Next week: Artemis, George and Danforth love triangle tragedy!

Player Swap Week:

Spoiler

Week 8 (All-Stars):

Spoiler

Week 7:

Spoiler

Week 5:

Spoiler

Week 4:

Spoiler

Week 3:

Spoiler

Week 2:

Spoiler

Week 1

Spoiler

docnessuno · 10-30-2012, 03:34 PM

Orca-Cola Weekly Magazine

Oke® The Real Thing

Another week of this Bloodbowl cup is coming up, another magnificent opportunity to see how much pain can a body endure before snapping for good!

And talking about pain, we can start from our interview with Krun, the blitzer from Green IS your Enemy that, despite a promising career in the minor leagues, didn't last that long when the game got serious, and had to abandon professional blodbowl after a debilitating injury!

Quote:

O-C: How are you doing here at the Splinterbone center for treatment of sport injuries?

Krun: Krun is angry!

O-C: Angry? That's probably due the poor performance during your last match! Did you expect to go down like a goblin would have?

Krun: Incoherent mumbling

O-C: Ok, let's shift the subject a bit, what do you think of Mowhawk Redbeard, the Troll Slayer that put an end to your season?

Krun: He got Lucky! I was just checking if my shoes were tied and he hit me on my head!

O-C: Err... But din't you wear boots, like the rest of your team?

Krun: ...

O-C: Oook, nevermind. Leaving professional bloodbowl must have been an hard choice for you. How did you think your team will cope with a missing player in a key position?

Krun: MY TEAM? LEAVING BLOODBOWL? I'M NOT LEAVING BLOODBOWL! THEY FIRED ME WITH NO REASON! I HOPE TROLL EATS THEM ALL!

O-C: But... isn't your collar bone injury quite debilitating, expecially for someone who is supposed to be in the thick of action?

Krun: I HAVE NO INJURY! NOW KRUN WILL PUNCH YOU TO TINY BITS SO YOU CAN SEE IT!

O-C: Well, dear readers, sadly Krun fell of its hospital bed while trying to reach for this reporter, and judging from the moans probably broke one of his legs in the process. Oh, and heres the goblin surgeon hurrying to the room with a big handsaw, probably attracted by the noise. I guess it's amputation time!

Hehe, we will surely miss the bloodthirsty attitude of Krun, but the game has to move on! And we are all curious to see how Green IS your Enemy is going to do it. They are down to 10 Orks and facing Die Valkyrie who, despite losing, put up a remarkable show in their first game. Oddly Docnessuno refused to hire a journeyman to fill in the hole in his team's formation, but there is a good chance that he just wanted to avoid an enraged fan sneaking in and trying to eviscerate him!

There are some voices running around about Green IS your Enemy saving inducement money ho hire a true Star, both to increase their chance of success and to quench the fans. Also our secret informer warned us about some "special attentions" Docnessuno is dedicationg to Leslie, the Black Ork Blocker his team aquired at the beginning of the season. Let's just hope they are cooking up some special tactics, otherwishe THEY will be cooked up by the crowd!

And that's all for this week!

Leriel · 11-02-2012, 08:36 AM

Always stay tuned to Radio Bash Bash and welcome to the Groupie's Corner!

Week 1:

Spoiler

Week 2:

Spoiler

Week 3:

Spoiler

Week 4:

Spoiler

Week 5:

Spoiler

Week 6:

Spoiler

Week 7:

Spoiler

Week 8:

Spoiler

Week 9:

Spoiler

Hello everyone, this is Boy Khorne, again!
A good new for all:
DJ BLITZ WILL BE BACK SOON!
We persuade Mr. Morgan to hire him again! He listened to the fan (well, supported by a couple of Black Orcs blockers...)
So let's celebrate!
I will sing a song that DJ wanted for all of you for this Christmas!

Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers die!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out its fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD...
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
That damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's Throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with prayers and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and shells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!!

Week 10:

Spoiler

Week 11:

Spoiler

Week 12:

Spoiler

Week 13:

Hello you all! DV managed to qualify for semifinals... and they're going to face the Styx Rivermen!
Zara is going to help DV again... and she wants to share some knowledge about Tomb Guardians...

A Recipe For Fine Mummification
Lay body on a stone slab.
Insert long metal instrument with hook through nostrils and pull brains out. Rinse brain cavity with palm wine.
To open torso, carefully slit skin of left flank with sharp stone knife.
Withdraw all vital organs through opening: heart, intestines, liver, lungs, and so forth. Set aside.
Rinse body cavity thoroughly with palm wine; rinse again with spice infusion. Pack body cavity with herbs and spices, especially myrrh and cassia.
To purify flesh, immerse body in oils and resins for no fewer than 40 days. Treat organs with spice and oils. Place treated lungs, liver, stomach, and intestines in individual Canopic jars of stone or alabaster, with stoppers.
Test body for doneness. When all flesh has been dissolved and naught but skin and bones remains, wash body again.
Plump body and face with bags of myrrh and cinnamon for a natural look.
Important: Return heart (center of intelligence and feeling) to chest. Return kidneys to abdominal cavity also, if desired.
Sew body incision if desired. Leave small opening so heart may be withdrawn for testing in the underworld.
Anoint body with scented oils, or treat with resin, or both.
Wrap body with strips of linen treated with gum. Enclose scarab over heart, along with other protective amulets.
Place mask over head.
Place Scrolls of the Dead between thighs so deceased can reach them easily in the underworld.
Place body inside series of coffins, including outer sarcophagus made of stone.
Store upright in a cool, dark place.

Aedilred · 11-14-2012, 12:15 PM

The all-time tables, as of All-Star Week.

SPPs:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	SPPs
1	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen	I-II	66
2	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I	I-II	58
3	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I	I-II	54
4	Morr E.N. Tezz	Catcher	Red Sabres	I-II	53
5	F.A.S.T. Gonzalo	Gutter Runner	Stinky Feets, All-Stars I	I	52

Touchdowns:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	TDs
1	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen	I-II	18
2	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I	I-II	17
3	F.A.S.T. Gonzalo	Gutter Runner	Stinky Feets, All-Stars I	I	11
4	Morr E.N. Tezz	Catcher	Red Sabres	I-II	10
5	Feet	Catcher	The Trees	I	8
=6	ReAngelo	Skink	Cretaceous Crushers, All-Stars I	I	7
=6	GGGrrrrr	Werewolf	Shambling Horde, All-Stars I	I	7
=6	Hands	Catcher	The Trees	I	7
=9	Anthrax the Aardvark	Pestigor	Hometown Heroollrggh	I	6
=9	Angelo	Skink	Cretaceous Crushers	I	6
=9	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Thrower	Red Sabres	I-II	6
=9	Lupus “Patches”	Werewolf	Patched Plagues	II	6
=9	W. Tell	Thrower	The Fancy Lads	I-II	6

Passes:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Passes
1	Arms	Thrower	The Trees, All-Stars I	I	13
2	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Thrower	Red Sabres	I-II	5
3	Göndul	Thrower	Die Valkyrie	II	4
=4	Tony Hesperaxian	Thrower	Shadow Dancers, All-Stars I	I	3
=4	T.P. Xan	Thrower	Stinky Feets	I	3

Casualties:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Cas
1	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I	I-II	23
2	Fredo D. Stefani	Blitzer	Red Sabres, All-Stars I	I-II	14
=3	Mike the Mauler	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I	10
=3	**** the Destroyer	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I-II	10
5	Long John Hardrock	Skeleton	Styx Rivermen	I-II	8

Kills:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Kills
=1	Mike the Mauler	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I	2
=1	Long John Hardrock	Skeleton	Styx Rivermen	I-II	2
=1	John Green	Treeman	The Johnnys' Quest	II	2

KOs:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	Kills
1	Bull the Butcher	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I	I-II	12
2	Ned the Annihilator	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I	I	9
3	Pickaxe Fistinface	Blitz-Ra	Styx Rivermen	I-II	8
=4	**** the Destroyer	Tomb Guardian	Styx Rivermen	I-II	7
=4	Oscar Meyer	Skeleton	Styx Rivermen	I-II	6

Interceptions:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	IT
=1	Max Saravia	Lineman	Iron Giants	II	1
=1	Hugh Menz	Lineman	Iron Giants	II	1

Rushing Yards:

Rank	Name	Position	Teams	Seasons	YR
1	Sessrumnir	Thrower	Rampage!, All-Stars I	I-II	904
2	Tom Gravy	Thro-Ra	Styx Rivermen	I-II	714
3	W. Tell	Thrower	The Fancy Lads	I-II	514
4	GGGrrrrrr	Werewolf	Shambling Horde, All-Stars I	I	500
5	Fernand O.E. Arrow	Thrower	Red Sabres	I-II	418
6	Quicky	Pogoer	Da Gabooms, All-Stars I	I	400
7	Lupus “Patches”	Werewolf	Patched Plagues	II	364
8	F.A.S.T. Gonzalo	Gutter Runner	Stinky Feets, All-Stars I	I	348
9	ReAngelo	Skink	Cretaceous Crushers, All-Stars I	I	324
10	Anthrax the Aardvark	Pestigor	Hometown Herooollrggh	I	316

The_Admiral · 11-14-2012, 01:28 PM

Iron Giants mid-season report.

The Giants have been up against some of the toughest new teams in this league and have barely pulled through. Near the bottom of the League tables, they have produced one of the reigning Star Player of this season, Max Saravia. We at Inside The Cup, have managed to obtain an exclusive interview with the man himself.

ITC:Well Mr Saravia, let's get the basic questions out of the way, we want to know, did you expect to rise this high in the sport when you came here?

MS: No I did not expect to be reigning head of the SPP tables. To be honest, I helped found the Giants because I loved the sport, I just wanted to play.

ITC: We can respect that, so what do you think of your team, the Giants?

MS: They're a bunch of nice people who are good at the game and enjoy playing, we're all like-minded in that sense, you join because you want to play, not because of prestige or anything like that.

ITC: So, how do you take your team's horrible opening? One draw, two losses and a single win, that is not a good season open by any standards.

MS: Very simply put, we were outclassed. Let's just say that the skill gap between the amateur leagues and the race for the cup, was larger than we expected.

ITC: So you were caught by surprise?

MS: You can say that, the loss to Johnny's Quest was a rude awakening for us and we were in a slump for a while, what with loosing two players that game. *shudders*

ITC: Any fellow players you would like to badmouth, so to speak?

MS: Now that's just rude. Most of our failures was due to tactical incompetence on my end, I'm the closest thing to a team captain we have. The rest? Plain old bad luck.

ITC: Well, thank you for your time Mr Saravia, hope we will be able to talk again.

MS: Your welcome and I hope we will, I hope we will.

Overall grading:

Offence: 5/10.
The Giants have not run into a no score game before, they have an okay offense, either relying on blitzers or well positioned catchers, whatever it is, it works well enough.

Defence: 5/10.
For the sheer fact that they have pulled the first two interceptions in this League, they deserve special mention. Yes it could use work, no it needs work, their defence not being able to withstand a heavy rush as sown by the Johnny's Quest.

Casualties: 4/10.
They have not done very well, in this field, their amateur roots showing.

Room for improvement:
Everywhere really, offense needs work, defense needs work. But if they manage to surmount the odds, they may, just may gain a comfortable positioning. They have played three very good games where they were outclassed, or done in by lady luck, and one game where she finally took pity on them. They may be able to overcome this inauspicious beginnings and begin to rake in the wins, but who knows?

Steilos · 11-14-2012, 04:09 PM

MAIM KILL BURN QUARTERLY REPORT

"Hello folks! I'm Dex Pendabull and I'll be your reporter for tonight, but you ladies at home can just call me 'Dex.'"

"That was terrible, please don't do that again."

"Ah, and here's our guest for tonight, the up-and-coming coach of Maim Kill Burn... Steilos!"

"Sweet Chaos Gods, why did I agree to this?"

"Because we paid you."

"Oh. Right. Well, what did you want?"

"Good to meet you too, Steilos. What do you think of your team's performance over the quarter?"

"Well, a team going into the second quarter at 1-2 is clearly having some difficulties, but it could be worse. I mean, I'm proud of what my lads have accomplished, espeically the attitude they've brought to the game."

"The attitude?"

"We have the best damn hooligan firm this side of the warp for a reason. Our RAAGH SMASH CRUSH DESTROY policy has brought us far, and I have no intention to tell my players on the field that they are actually playing a match."

"Wait, what?"

"Their ball handling is terrible because they think it's a bludgeoning instrument. They all want to be mighty warriors, you know. Telling them they're in a game would just break their hearts. Well, except for Pierre. He wants to be a hairdresser."

"That's... that's wonderful, Steilos."

"Isn't it just? Now, if you excuse me I have a croquet game at ten."

"Wait a damned minute! You haven't told me anything about your team! I came here for a quarterly report, not the blathering of a madman!"

"Oh, all right, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to file a report. Look...

OFFENCE: 4/10

This is MKB's big problem. They can punch stuff for sure, but covering the ball carrier is kind of hard when your cover's frenzied off into the middle of nowhere. In addition, the fact that they CANNOT PICK UP THE DAMN BALL cannot be helping.

DEFENCE: 6/10

Agression is good. The only way to deal with those damn elves is through a punch to the face. Look at what happened to Tinwe United and Johnny's quest for an example of what you do with perfidious Khorne-damned elves. Anyway, this aggressive smothering is exactly what I want to see. Next step: Actually killing something!

CASUALTIES; 3/10

You may say "Why, Steilos? You've inflicted some nasty injuries and plenty of badly hurts! What more do you want?" I want BLOOD. I WANT DEATH! I WANT TO WATCH MY ENEMIES DIE! KILL! KILL! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!!

...Sorry, where was I?

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Ball handling skills would be nice, but my team has Mighty Blow access across the board. Really, all my team needs is someone to get the ball to the endzone and some more raw bashing power. We've made a good start on the bashing front, but basically my team will get better once it gets some face smashy stuff. You can't outplay us if you're DEAD."

"Thank you, Steilos. Well, it's now over to-"

"Ah, where are my manners? We need to do the post-interview ritual!"

"Eh?"

"KALDSORFAN! OI, KALDSORFAN! IT'S YOUR TURN TO KILL THE REPORTER!"

"I'm... It's goodbye from me, folks! I'm just going to get out of here, now. Very quickly!"

--------------------------

We interrupt this program to inform the Pendabull family that their son has tragically died in mysterious circumstances. Our condolences are with them, but that was a HELL of a punt from Kaldsorfan! His severed head went clear over the stadium!

Necroticplague · 11-15-2012, 09:07 PM

Plague's Report:

Hello there, I'm Chet Youbecha, and tonight I'll be reporting on an upstart Necromantic team Known as the Patched Plagues, here with the team Necromancer Darkdeath Evilman!

Hello Their.

So, your team hasn't been doing too hot so far, with a losing record of 3-1, not very good.

It Stings A Bit, I Admit. I'm Not Sure If It's Made Better Or Worse By Knowing That We Could Have Won Those. We Haven't Played Half Bad, Just Started With A Rough Patch.

Yeah, your recent victory shows that may be true. What direction do you think this team is going to go in?

Well, Our Wolves Will Continue To Run The Ball Drive After Drive, And Hopefully The Rest Of The Team Will Learn To Cause Some More Injuries.

Speaking of injuries, your team seems to have gotten off relatively light when compared to all the other teams. I mean, look at the team you faced last week. The had two deaths then this week half their team got injuries that means they'll have to sit one out.

One Of The Benefits Of Having A Team Composed Of The Walking Dead And A Couple Frantic Shifters. These Guys Are Incredibly Hard To Put Down, Especially The Golems. I Think This Gives Us An Advantage Long Term, As Other Teams Accrue More Injuries Over Time, While We Don't.

Any last parting words from our short interview together?

Nope, I'm Good With What I've Said.

Overall Grades:
Offense:6/10. While not performing anything completely spectacular, the werewolves have repeatedly proven themselves to be highly effective runners game after game.

Defence:4/6.Most of the team is simply to slow to get to runners on time, and most of them aren't particularly strong enough to block, and pretty much none are agile enough to intercept. Still, not doing too bad, all their games have been relatively close ones.

Casualties:4/6. We've had a bit of good success in this area, but to many of the players are relatively new to the game and haven't practiced smashing enough, compounded by most of their low speed.

ybot · 11-15-2012, 10:50 PM

BEERd mid season report

Hi this is the reporter dude and Im here to give a mid season interview with BEERd player Elvish Blackbeard. So Elvish as the only scoring dwarf player you have been made the captain. How do you feel about this?

:Glug: I be thinkin' the other dwarfs need to grow some legs. My half-elfishness is the only reason I even have a chance to score :Glug:

Your half brother Scavan died recently on the pitch. Does this worry you?

:Glug: nah I be much stonger. He was always a liiiiittle bit weakly :Glug:

I noticed your name has an interesting pun. Now I understand why.

:Glug: What pun? our coach just isn't be know'in how ta spell :Glug:

Right ... anyways what do you think of the mercenary your coach has been hiring

:Glug: He be a strong and daring dwarf riding in that thing o his. he just needs ta be lern'in how ta hide it from da refs :Glug:

Do you think your team has a shot at the playoffs?

:Glug: aye. We be play'in some veterain teams be we be ready to beat up on da weaklings :Glug:

Report Stats

Offense 2/10
This was expected at this point in the season. They have play strong defensive teams and they are dwarfs. Still only 1 touchdown is bad.

Defense 6/10
The dwarfs are known for their strong defense. I feel the computer isn't that good at playing dwarfs but they can still shut many teams out.

Casualties 5/10
They have played very physical teams and come out ahead on casualties. They have only a few casualties inflicted but almost none against. This will improve against softer teams.

snkls · 11-16-2012, 06:58 AM

Rampage! Quarterly Report

It seems your team has gotten off to a pretty slow start compared to last year, what do you need to do to improve?

snkls: Yeah, the boys have been in a serious sophomore slump. At this time last year we were undefeated with double the casualties, even our star player Sessrumnir has had a bit of trouble getting back into it.

Indeed he has, he accounted for 5 of your teams touchdowns at this point last year but he only has 2 so far this year. A bit of good news, if you can call a draw good news, was last week against the defending champions. How did you pull that off?

snkls: Well with the addition of the new the new werewolf Mánagarmr he had some key casualties on the defending champs. We are now looking forward to the future with a full roster, though we have a tough test next week with the Lads coming up.

The Lads are currently undefeated how do plan on defeating them?

snkls: It's going to be tough, they are strong which you would expect from an Orc team, but they are also agile as well. If we can get these guys on their back, we'll have a good shot at the win.

Thanks for you time and good luck!

Offense 3/10
Only three touchdowns so far, compared to seven last year at this time. We will need to get more offense in order to win some games.

Defense 5/10
The defense hasn't been terrible, but the way the offense has been playing they need to step it up.

Casualties 3/10
Only five casualties compared to eleven last year. More bone breaking is needed for this Norse team to be able to move the ball.

Aedilred · 11-16-2012, 12:11 PM

The Sabreur: Red Sabres Mid-Season report

The Red Sabres fairytale last season ended up with them lifing the trophy following a dramatic late-season charge that carried them from the bottom of Division B. Now they're four weeks into their title defence, and we've got an interview with team owner, head coach and spokesman for the pro-alcoholism lobby, Aedilred, about his team's progress so far.

TS: Hello.
A: Wotcher.

TS: How are you liking the new office?
A: Well, it's an improvement on the one I had last season and no mistake. Since we won the title we've had sponsorship money flooding in, so I've been able to afford one that's a bit nicer than the old broom cupboard. I've got room for a drinks cabinet, my Jeremiah Kool memorabilia, and a nice decorative rack of elf skulls above the fireplace.

TS: Very nice. How are you finding things this season?
A: Better than last season, but it's still a bit tough. I think we were lulled into a false sense of security by that pre-season friendly against the Rivermen. But the Lads were obviously out to get us, and Rampage! are never an easy team to beat. The Valkyrie match, well, we were just mugged.
.

TS: Are there any changes forthcoming to try to improve the results?
A: We've hired Mal, a new Blitzer, this week, to try to put some of the bite back into our running game. I've also got a few ex-players and former pros on standby to come in as specialist assistant coaches, but that's going to have to wait until some of the other teams in the league catch up to our value.

TS: How are you finding the lack of inducements?
A: Well, we did well out of them last year, so what goes around comes around, I guess. But it's still a bit intimidating when you get teams like the Valkyrie or this “pro” Elf lot next week being handed cheques for $500K-odd. Plus it means we can't really afford any stars or freebooters of our own.

TS: The team played a lot of stars last year. Any chance of seeing some this time?
A: Probably not for a while. I don't think Helmut [Wulf] wants to speak to us after that match a couple of weeks ago when Ricky decked him, so I'll leave it a while before I speak to him. We have been in negotiations with a big star, though, to see if he wants to play a one-off for us. Watch this space.

Overall grading:

Offence: 5/10. The Sabres are scoreless in two of their matches so far, which is disappointing for a side with such strong offensive players. Particularly against a relatively soft Amazon team in Die Valkyrie, they would have been expected to score.

Defence: 5/10. The team have failed to hold off any of their opponents except for a rookie Dwarf team with a typically one-dimensional running play. With the amount of defensive expertise on the team, they should be doing better than that.

Casualties: 5/10. The team seem to have dropped the ball on this, figuratively speaking, since last season. Only Seb the Ogre is making any real impact on opposing teams, with the Blitzers apparently off their game. A tough physical game was important to the team's success last season and will be needed again before the end of this one.

Room for improvement: General sharpening-up across the board. The team has the players to do well, but the execution has been sloppy. The barrages of inducements used against them haven't made things easier, but don't provide much of an excuse.

The Hellbug · 11-17-2012, 01:21 PM

Hellbug's Heroes Quarterly Report:

Felix Talkinghead: Hello folks, I'm Felix Talkinghead, here today with an exclusive interview with the Hellbug, owner of Hellbug's Heroes.

The Hellbug: Oy.

FT: First of all, why the name? It seems a little bit vain to name your team after yourself.

TH: The boys are notoriously unfocused. If a match isn't interesting, every single one of them would rather be looting and pillaging. I find it helps to leave reminders of who's in charge and who pays the bills.

FT: We really didn't expect another Chaos team this season after the spectacular failure that was the Hometown Heroes last year. Any reason you're going to do better.

TH: Haha, our Nurgle cousins don't have the head for economics that I do. Their whole plan was to borrow money up front and actually turn a profit in order to pay it back. I funded my team with raids on elven settlements, still do! Where they were swimming in debt, I just let my players do what they do best and they pay for themselves.

FT: Alright, now, about your performance so far: the Heroes seem to have had a rocky start for the beginning of the season, is it true that you all were not only beaten by an elf team, but they also injured more of your players than you did of theirs?

TH: (glares menacingly at FT)

FT: Looks like we hit a soft spot there, is it true that Adam Mcgillis almost retired after having his face smashed in by a wood elf blocker?

TH: You know what, I've tried to be civil, but you obviously just don't want that. Give me that camera.

FT: Um, you know what, I think that's enough for the day. (begins backing out of room)

TH: GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!

(TH charges across the room, knocking the camera to the floor. Screams and sounds of a violent encounter are heard before the camera cuts to black.)

Overall grading:

Offense: (4/10) Nothing was really expected from an early season Chaos team in this regard. With nobody who can move more than 6. This will always be low. I'm just glad we've had a game where we scored more than 1.

Defense: (6/10) Our defense has been satisfactory. We were going to get outscored by the elves no matter what, and nobody else would have scored more than one td except that the Giants scored on the last play of the game.

Casualties: (1/10) An elf team inflicted more casualties on us than we did on them. Nuff said.

houlio · 11-18-2012, 12:42 PM

Bowties, Soirees, and Bloodbowl Magazine was unable to actually get an interview with Fancy Lads team owner, founder, president, CEO, and gentleman-scholar Houlio. When heading to his office, this note was attached to the front of the door:
I am terribly sorry that I cannot meet to talk with you at the moment. I have been leading the Fancy Lads in team-building, high-altitude training in the Andes this last week. If you must know about it, I can only say that alpaca wool is so luxurious I might have to get out of the rubber, coal, steel, and petroleum businesses and become a knit-sweater magnate. In any case, knowing full well that you simpering suck-ups were seeking to "get the scoop," I believe the phrase is, on my team, I have prepared the following report for you to publish. Any mention of how the Fancy Lads have gotten through this season by sheer good fortune will force me to take legal action against you, and since I know full well that your enterprise is run entirely by slack-jawed, picked-up-by-their-boot-straps street urchins, "legal action" means a formal duel to the death (as any gentleman with the correct upbringing could tell you), with George as my second.

Most Sincerely,
Houlio

Offense: The Fancy Lads have an offense orders of magnitude better than last season's. We are undefeated, and every win has had a 2-point lead in our favor. With players who can reliably handle the ball, move across the pitch, and likely not get knocked out of the game, we are in a nice spot. (9/10)

Defense: Saying the Lads Most Fancy have done well here would be an understatement. Only one touchdown has been scored against the Lads so far this season, and that was against the team where everyone had dodge. This will likely change when we play some elf team, but that's expected. (9/10)

Casualties: This is the one area where the Fancy Lads could do better at. We lack lots of players with mighty blow or anything like that to help put the hurt on, but compared to last season, I think we're in a worse spot here. (4/10)

Overall: The Fancy Lads have had a startlingly good season so far. Winning a shutout against the Red Sabres in the first match was a little surprising. Going on to beat the dwarf and amazon teams both was also a little unexpected, since they are wildly different. The Lads were in a similar place last season around this time, but our position this now is much more solid. All in all, I think the Lads are looking good to step up play against some of the other big league names, Rampage!, Johnny's Quest, and the Rivermen. (7/10)

docnessuno · 11-20-2012, 07:47 PM

Green IS your Enemy! Mid-Season report

Greeting folks, tonight we will be having a short interview with Docnessuno, the head coach of Green IS your Enemy!

Hello Doc. It's quite weird to see a retired Dwarf blitzer leading a greenskin team, how did you end up with this gig?

Well, Green IS your Enemy! was looking for a seasoned head coach, after being promoted from the minor leagues, and i did fit the bill. I should also mention that the contract includes a limitless supply of beer, and that's a key point!

Oh, that was clever on their part...

Indeed. And at least i'm working for someone that knows how to break some heads, not for some fancy elves.

Elves? Funny that you mention that. How are you going to handle the fans after your team was soundly defeated by an undermanned Elf team?

Hmm... That's gonna be hard, but i started by throwing them our former Black Ork blocker, Leslie. Our last defeat was HIS fault, so may the crowd be his judge. Our new BOB lineup comes fully from the Brokentooth marshes clans, where good potion of our fanbase lies. I rejected Karn at the beginning of the season to make room for a more experienced player, but looking back it wasn't a very wise choice.

Well, tank you for your time. Now, for all of our readers, here's a detailed analysis from coach Docnessuno on his own team and its bloody path trought this exciting BloodBowl season.

Offense:
With two touchdown in each game we won we can definitly say that when our slaughtering department does his job the team ia able to capitalize on it. Still our Orks should remember that ther's a ball on the field before they knock each opposing player to the ground. And our throwers should definitly remember they are in the team to actually throw the ball. While an average of one touchdown every match is fine by dwarven's standards, i expect more from a more agile team.
Rating: 6 / 10

Defense:
See above. The primary focus of the team should be in getting the opposing ballcarrier and teach him that picking up the ball is a bad idea in a match against us, instead they seem to be too busy tro collect teeths from the nearest opponent. While i surely appreciate the attitude, those greenskins really need to learn how to focus.
Rating: 6 / 10

Casualties:
And here we can find most of the core issues of the team. While those boys know how to punch a man silly, they still don't work as a team. If by chance they find themselves in the right place at the right time we can be assured someone on the opposing roster is going straight to the infermery, but most of the times i just see lone Okrs engaging in pointless one-on-one and we all know how risky is that. That's why our matches swing from complete slaughterfest to elfball games, and that's why had to get rid of key positionals for the injuries they suffered.
Rating: 5 / 10

Room for improvement:
We still have to hire our 4th blitzer and a proper medic, but having to replace players so often held us back. With a full roster, possibly even including a troll we would haave access to much-needed reserves. Also our Black Ork section is currently very undeveloped, and with more training they could become a force to be reckoned with.

Tastier · 12-05-2012, 08:00 PM

Season II: A Retrospective

Preseason
Ignoring all sound advice, the Johnnys spend all of their startup money on expensive positional for an already expensive team: A treeman, two Wardancers, a Thrower, and three catchers, and four lineman. “No rerolls, apothecary or fan factor, dropped in favour of the best Wood Elf players money can buy. I tried looking that up on the risk/reward chart but it didn't extrapolate that far.” - Steilos.

Week 1
2-0 underdog victory vs Hellbug’s Heroes
The headline reads “Johnnys Begin Quest for Cup”
In an upset, the Chaos Warriors take some casualties from the Elves, failing to return the gesture. With their soft skins safe with the aid of wandering Black Orc apothecary, Ascelpius M.D., the Johnnys decide to hire him full-time.

Week 2
3-2 narrow victory vs The Iron Giants
With no clear underdog, the Johnny’s come on top. This was due in small part to Treeman John Green, who outright killed two of opposing players. At this point the Johnny’s risky roster was paying dividends.

Week 3
3-2 narrow victory vs The Patched Plagues
The headline reads “Johnnys Continue Roll, Plagues Charge Toll”
The winning continues, but thrower, Action Johnny, and lineman, Other John Green, are both buried by the Plague despite Asclepius’ best efforts. This leaves a critical hole in the roster just before the Johnnys first match against a returning team, the Styx Rivermen. Sources also report that lineman, J. Doe, suffered a Serious Concussion leaving him with permanent memory loss.

Week 4
1-3 expected loss vs The Styx Rivermen
Headline reads “Rivermen Stop Johnnys Dead. Well, Not Quite Dead”
The Rivermen snap the wounded Johnnys winning streak, laying out a few players in the process, Thankfully for the Johnnys, they all make back out onto the pitch eventually

Week 5
2-2 draw vs Green Is Your Enemy
John ‘Five Score and Seventeen’ No-name was hired instead of fielding journeymen players. His career would be cut tragically short.

Week 6
2-4 loss vs The Red Sabres
Despite hiring a Star Player to make up for the difference is team ability, this loss was not surprsing. Veteran teams are tough, especially early in the season. No one ever said Blood Bowl was fair.

Week 7
1-2 loss vs The Fancy Lads
It’s an uphill battle when you’re against stronger players who are nearly as agile.

Week 8: All Star Week
The Johnnys manager caused quite a stir in the lead up to the All-Star Game, unhappy with some rules changes regarding the treatment of player’s injured in the game. Ultimately this may have led Division B to a loss as a result of the relatively conservative game plan by Aedilred at Tastier’s request.

Week 9
2-2 vs draw vs BEERd
Nothing to say about this week. Shame it wasn’t a win.

Week 10
3-1 vs Die Valkyrie
Two of the Johnnys were injured severely enough to keep them off the pitch in week 11. But a win’s a win and most predicted the Johnny’s were headed toward the playoffs.

Week 11
1-4 vs Rampage!
To fill the holes in the roster left by the ladies of Die Valkyrie, the Johnnys dump their whole treasury to hire two veterans from The Trees who disbanded after season 1. This move sent a message to Rampage! saying ‘We want to win!”. Unfortunately, the Johnny’s brilliant gameplan, that included, among other things, a clause to magically remove Sessrumnir’s hands, arrived 10 minutes after the game ended. We can only speculate on the effect it would have had. Many people Identify this week as the beginning of what has been described as an ‘Epic Collapse’ by the Johnnys.

Week 12
2-4 devastating loss vs Tinwë United.
The Johnny’s seemed well positioned against Tinwë. With faster players, a Treeman, and Tomb Guardian thanks to a player swap with Styx Rivermen it seemed like the Wood Elves would have the physical and agile advantage. No one saw this loss coming, especially given the Sports Night pregame coverage:

Spoiler

" Tonight on a very special SportsNight, we're going to take a moment to talk about a very real problem."

" We've been confused by the general optimism shown towards a certain team, and a general lack of straight talking. That team's name? Tinwe United."

" So we've taken a look at their upcoming game and taken it apart, piece by piece, to demonstrate why exactly we here at SportsNight think that they're a completely rubbish team who've got as much shot at the playoffs as they do at being the first elves to land on the moon."

" Winless since Week Six, Tinwe's fans have been deserting the Union in droves over the past several weeks of their trudge to the bottom. Yes folks, that's right. Week Six. Even Hellbug's Heroes and MAIM KILL BURN have gotten a win more recently than that. I would call it shameful, but really, that's an insult to shame. The only other team to go this long winless? Green Is Your Enemy! Hells bells, BEERd has won twice in that span of time. Incidentally, one of those wins the dwarves snagged? A Three-One victory over Tinwe. You heard me right folks. Dwarves utterly blew out elves."

" Inducements are the one really shiny spot for Tinwe. We'll almost certainly be seeing a serious Star Player taking the field, and probably one or two dirty tricks besides. Of course, even with the Star Player, Tinwe'll still be down a player in a game that'll come down to injuries."

" Comparing their positionals.. the Johnny's have an edge so sharp it bleeds. Four Catchers to two catchers; all of the Johnny's Catchers have at least one skill and most have an ability increase. 'Itchy' Feet in particular is a threat that should not be underestimated; with a potential movement of twelve and a built in reroll on his Go-For-Its, his redzone is the fifty yard line."

" Tinwe's best catcher, Tirnen Thirgail, falls short in comparison to this beast. The greater strength shouldn't matter, as neither of these players should be in the thick of it; their role is punching touchdowns in. The Johnny's have four of these touchdown monsters, while Tinwe's lone backup Catcher has the impressive and singular skill of... being slightly slower than he was when he started. Way to be unique, Palidos, way to be."

" Blitzers is the one spot where Tinwe has a slight edge. With two Blitzers to the one Wardancer, Tinwe has a shot at finally being able to disrupt some plays."

" Of course, 5-Shots is that one step faster than either Ienora or Valinor. Between that step and leap, his manueverability is much higher."

" On the other hand, his Dauntless character won't be worth much against the Pro Elves."

" On the gripping hand, Casey, if the worst thing that you can say is,' I won't need this special skill to deal with my enemy because my enemy is so stonking weak it doesn't apply to even their strongest player', then you're probably doing alright."

" Yes indeedy. Moving on, their throwers are almost identical. Almost, that is, except that ( as will become a constant refrain ), the Tinwe plodder Ingorian Windglaive is one step slower than Dijon ‘Crazy’ Bone. A lone step that'll almost certainly be telling."

" Oh, and the little fact that Dijon has completed over THREE TIMES more passes than the sadsack which is Ingorian Windglaive. What a pile! Seriously. It can't be overstated what a blow the sheer incompetence of this absolutely maladroit puddle splasher is to Tinwe."

" Yikes. Looking at their linemen, every single United player is worse than his counterpart on the Johnny's from the get-go. That one step slower is the difference between locking up tackle zones, that one extra die roll for a Go For It. This is the painfaul part for Tinwe. Taking skills in to account, amazingly, it actually doesn't get too much worse for Tinwe. While a mere half of their six linemen have skills, the same can be said of the Johnny's with three out of their five. With one of their linemen sporting the functional yet personally unimpressive Leader, the Johnny's skills come out in the wash, balancing out the increased agility one of their other linemen possesses."

" And the worst was saved for last; the positionals that the Johnny's have which Tinwe doesn't have at all. Treeman and Tomb Guardian."

" Yes, folks, you heard that right. The Wood Elves of Johnny's Quest are being allowed to field a Khemri player. Don't ask us, we just read the news."

" With two high strength mighty blow players, the Quest will be dealing out the harshness all game long. "

" If Rampage had mauled the Johnny's in week ten, this might be a game. But we're pretty confident that all in all, it won't be. Tinwe will be lucky if they score a single touchdown, and the Johnny's won't be leaving with less than three touchdowns. If they're going to get four touchdowns in a game this season, this'll be it."

" When all's said, anything can happen. But anything being possible doesn't mean anything is probable. Best case scenario for Tinwe United is they come out uninjured and with a tie. While they haven't a snowflakes chance in the hot place to pull off a win, a tie might just be possible."

" Possible but entirely unlikely. The Johnny's do poorly when they're outbashed. Tinwe isn't going to outbash them, especially not with ringer Ned the Annihilator swinging. So TINWE is going to lose badly. QED. Our official SportsNight prediction? Four-One, Johnny's, and at least two of the Pro Elves are going to be retiring after the game from injuries, fatal or otherwise."

" I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was a very special SportsNight."

Week 13
Bye
After this weeks results come in, the Johnny’s find themselves tied with 3 other teams for a wildcard spot. One thing is clear, the Johnnys need a win in week 14.

Week 14
1-1 disappointing draw vs Maim Kill Burn
Headline reads “Johnnys Finish Epic Season Collapse”.
This was another match that the Johnnys had no business losing. The Johnnys players, despite being paid much higher than their opponents and having had a week off to practice and plan, fail to execute. Thus the Quest for the Season II GitP Cup ends.

Crud Cup
With one last gmae left to play, the question on everyone's mind is 'Can the Johnnys go all the way (to the bottom)?

Record

Category	W-L-D	TD ratio
Overall	4-5-3	23:27
Vs Division A Teams	3-2-2	15:15
Vs Division B Teams	1-3-1	8:12
Vs Returning Teams	0-4-0	5:13
Vs Rookie Teams	4-1-3	18:14
Pre All-Star Game	3-3-1	14:15
Post All-Star Game	1-2-2	9:12

Looking at this table its pretty clear that the returning teams were not kind to the Johnnys, while Johnnys did quite well against other rookie teams. Another thing we see here is that in the 12 games The Johnnys’ Quest and their opponents scored a combined 50 points. Also noteworthy is the fact that the Johnnys never got shut out.

Conclusions:
~~Check back next week~~

The Hellbug · 12-05-2012, 10:38 PM

Spoiler

Report Card:
Offense: 5/10 We've at least put points on the board in every game, which is better than our first quarter. Brunbob is turning out to be a half-decent ball carrier.

Defense: 6/10 We've kind of been all over the place here. I mean, we held the Rivermen to a 1-1 tie, but lost 3-1 to the Plagues. Either way, I feel like our defense is above average coming off of that shut-out.

Casualties: 0/10. I don't want to talk about it.

The_Admiral · 12-06-2012, 02:47 AM

Iron Giant Mid Season

Well today we'll be going through one of the newer and, frankly weaker teams. The Iron Giants have gone far, ish in the league, having won only, what? 2 games, lost three and drawn one.

Even with this, they are not ready for the pro's, the Giants have proven it with their record. But through all this rough, there is a diamond core. The giants have the makings of a good team, and their steady increase of victories prove this. But, this good team will not be polished up in time for the finals.

So to the giants, maybe next year I say, maybe next year, but this year, they just don't have enough time for the spit and polish.

snkls · 12-06-2012, 05:46 PM

Rampage! Mid-Season Report

The last couple weeks have been much better for the norsemen, what do you attribute that to?

snkls: The guys realized they were starting to be in danger of not making the playoffs and started playing like the Rampage! of old. Plus I told them they could have a keg party after every win so that motivated them a bit.

The offensive and casualty rate has increased. What does Rampage! need to do to continue winning?

snkls: They have improved but they still have work to do, we are still below the average from last year. We may have a surprise in store coming up after the all-star break to help deal with that problem.

What surprise would that be?

snkls: We are in contract negotiations right now with Hel to bring him back. Though he's let himself go a bit during the offseason, we hope he will be ready in a couple weeks.

Thanks for you time and good luck!

Offense 6/10
Improved considerably since the quarterly report. Though there is still room for improvement.

Defense 6/10
The offense has picked up a bit so not everything is resting on the defenses shoulders now.

Casualties 5/10
Also improved from the quarterly report, but much of that so far has been from Managarmr. We would like to see more casualties spread out across several players.

ybot · 12-06-2012, 07:09 PM

BEERd mid season report

Here we have an exlusive interview with BEERd owner ybot. So Ybot first I must ask why are we meeting in a construction zone?

Ybot: Well this is no ordinary construction zone. This is were the greatest steam roller drivers come to show their skills. We have been considering hiring one.

What are you planing on doing with a construction worker?

Ybot: Put some spikes on his steam roller and tell him we need a layer of elf on top of the field.

.... I think Im just going to let the refs handle that. So what do you think of your team's performance so far this season.

Ybot: I already have my plans for my dark Elf team next season

you didn't anwser the question

Ybot: I hope my dark elf team will do better than this dwarf team.

Offense
3/10 we have 6 touchdowns and half of them were in one game

Defence
6/10 Its not the best but we aren't getting destroyed

Casualties
6/10 We haven't given up very many casualties but we haven't gotten as many as I had hoped for

Oh My God · 12-10-2012, 05:17 PM

All-Star Report Card

Offense (6/10): Tinwe has managed to post some decent numbers with its running game. Tirnen, Palidos, Valinor and Ienora all have excellent stats for breaking away from a scrum. Of course, they -also- have excellent stats for receiving a pass, not that any are ever thrown.

Defense (3/10): Tinwe can't disrupt cages to save its life. Given that caging up is the default method which the AI uses to advance the ball, well, that says everything you need to know about Tinwe's defense.

Casualties (2/10): The chaps just haven't had much luck in dismantling other teams; with the addition of mighty blow to Valinor, and a guarding lineman, this -should- improve. We'll see what other evil tricks I can pull to get this further up.

Looking forward, oddly enough, gives me the worst possible view of the team. With a TV that is already one of the highest in the league, the boys still can't seem to get into any sort of tempo. It seems like there is very little hope for agile cats to display any sort of consistency in this particular league. Eight weeks in, and my passers have connected on either one or no passes at all. When your team is meant to be built around catchers, that's a rough statistic. Tinwe is almost certainly going to be getting discarded in favor of a bash team come Season 3, most likely Undead or Ork (who are one of the most dependable rosters in the game). Until then, I'll probably be trying out weird skill choices during the (rare) intervals where my players actually obtain skills. I'm tempted to say 'nothing but diving tackle'.

Steilos · 12-17-2012, 08:35 PM

THE BLOODY RAGS
The latest news straight from the Skull Throne!*
*may not actually be from the Skull Throne

Greetings all totally loyal followers of the Blood God,

I am your editor and new player-coach Carlos Francis, and I welcome you to The Bloody Rags, the official paper of MKB. I am completely Khornate. Like, KILL KILL KILL, guys. I am totally in on that stuff. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and also dead. I mean it. There was this one guy in the stands who told me to change my ways and I ran over there and dropkicked him through the stalls.

In hindsight, he may have just been an evangelical preacher. You get those sometimes. The point still stands that people who dropkick other people through the stalls and spike them into the very foundations are probably not the sneaky kind of person. In fact, I have become quite the leader amongst the squad, and I believe that this promotion to coach was only a matter of time, from both my playing skill and my sincere dedications to the Blood God.

I would love to thank our old coach Steilos for the work and effort he has shown during his regrettably short tenure, but I am sorry to report that he ran away screaming about how I had my hooks into everyone. I assure you this rumour is false (they're claws) and he has been reprimanded for this outrageous display and sent away in shame. We believed this to be the end of it, and absolutely did not hunt him down for retribution.

It is my greatest regret to report however that Steilos has left us for the last time, and has gone to shout at the underperforming team in the sky. His body has not yet been found, but personal testaments from the entriety of us here at MKB confirm this tragic tale. I shall continue his policy of violence in his stead, and have already hung a little picture of him on the dressing room wall. Any rumours that this picture is used as a dartboard are entirely correct. It's what he would have wanted. We think.

Anyway, tonight before going off to bed, raise a glass to our old coach Steilos... and then throw it to the floor and set it on fire. Again, we're extrapolating here but whatever brings a smile on his face in the Basilica of Torments.

Your Coach,

Carlos Francis

All Star Report:

Offense: We simply need to pick up the ball and run to the endzone. The best way to do this is to kill everyone. And maybe pack another reroll or three because Frenzy.
5/10

Defense: I hold our late ex-coach's opinion on this. We're a strong team with a vicious and aggressive style that with a bit of tweaking will kill everyone. Looking forward to smashing some elves, oh yes.
6/10

Casualties: We killed someone. Actually added a skull to the throne LIKE WE CAME HERE TO DO. I assure you that everyone here at MKB had an office party that day and boy, can bloodthirsters drink! Incidentally, we now have a shortage of fans.
6/10

MURDER COMPETITION!
To celebrate my new job and the founding of this paper I am offering a BRAND NEW COMPETITION to our loyal readers and fans! If any of you are still alive!
Send the severed head of the person you hate the most into our postbox at
6 Crushsmash Lane,
Murderton,
BL36 0OD,

And you could WIN Steilos' Severed Fingers! WOW! Ten up for grabs in this THRILLING competition! Every week, we are offering a different body part of his for the collection of YOU, the reader! Use his fingers as cocktail sticks! His head has a doorstop! The possibilities are ENDLESS!

Until next time, folks!

Aedilred · 01-15-2013, 05:30 PM

The Sabreur Player Profile: Ienora Hokahey

When Ienora Hokahey was signed by Pro Elf team Tinwë United and left Ulthuan seeking her fortune, little could she have imagined the life that lay in store for her. It would be nice to say that since she arrived, Tinwë have gone from strength to strength, and that her influence has been a critical reason why the team has prospered.

Unfortunately, we can't.

Tinwë United have had a rotten second half of the season, following a mercurial first half in which they succeeded in dispatching the impressive Patched Plagues, and, to the surprise of many, both orc teams, including the much-fancied Fancy Lads, but also failed to close out a number of games they should probably have won. The team's success was eventually scuppered by injury, with veteran captain Valinor Silvrenruth laid out with a skull fracture from which he just doesn't seem to have recovered.

It is fair to say, though, that Lady Hokahey has been one of Tinwë's few standout successes. Since joining the team she's put in a good all-round performance including injuring one of the Lads, and scoring a touchdown to draw with Die Valkyrie. With Tinwë scrambling to make the playoffs, it's difficult to know whether the team has a future beyond this season, but any other teams looking for an all-round elf blitzer could do a lot worse. Hopefully we'll be seeing rather more of her in the future.

Aedilred · 01-26-2013, 09:51 PM

The Sabreur Season Award Nominations:

Most Valuable Player

A hotly contested honour this, with a few standout names. However, on looking over the stats in detail, the player who I think has contributed the most to their team is Tirnen Thirgail of Tinwe United. Tirnen has scored over a third of Tinwe's SPP and nearly three-quarters of their touchdowns. As a result of his contribution, they're in the playoffs. Without it, they'd be nowhere.

Offensive Player of the Season

While Tirnen has probably had the greatest impact on his team's success, it's a close call as to the best offensive player. I'm going to give it to Morr E.N. Tezz, who has had an unbelievable season, with the possibility of more to come.

Defensive Player of the Season

Not so hotly contested this one, with Bull the Butcher winning hands down. Bull has inflicted a total of 26 casualties or KOs this season at an average of 2.4 per game, more than the entirety of Die Valkyrie, the Iron Giants, Maim Kill Burn or Tinwe United, and twice as many as The Johnnys' Quest in total. The Rivermen, not coincidentally, have also conceded the fewest touchdowns of any team this season, at least when Bull's on the pitch.

Offensive Rookie of the Year

With Tirnen Thirgail already nominated, I'm going to give this to Lupus "Patches" of the Patched Plagues, who narrowly missed out on both the MVP and offensive player nominations. Lupus has had an excellent season, with a good chance of topping both the SPP and touchdowns lists by the end of the regular season and rushing more yards than anyone by a country mile - very impressive for a rookie.

Defensive Rookie of the Year

Doing this by the numbers, the leading contenders are John Green of the Quest and Orgeterix of Hellbug's Heroes, each of whom has inflicted nine KOs or casualties this season. However, the Johnnys have generally been dreadful on defence, conceding far more touchdowns than any other team in the league, and John's efforts haven't come to much. Likewise, for most of the season the Heroes have also been lacklustre at the back, with Orgeterix only really hitting his stride late on. Lower down the list are Hildr of Die Valkyrie and Seb Sha Bal of the Red Sabres, each of whom stand on seven casualties or KOs, but the nomination is going to Uthanak, who has been at the heart of a stingy GIYE defence and goes into his last match with three casualties and five KOs to his name.

The Hellbug · 01-27-2013, 12:26 AM

From the desk of The Hellbug:

In response to league commissioner Crow's call for league MVP's, my head of public relations, Thelonius Magnum, told me that it would be good PR to actually respond to it, especially in light of the recent negative press we've gotten for the brutal execution of one of the much loved Valkyries. In response, I told him that's the kind of thing a good beastman like him is for and that I already on my way out of the office for an appointment with my travel agent, canceling a golf trip with some of my Chaos Warriors I had planned before I realized that we had any real shot at the playoffs. Anyway, this whole note is to authorize Magnum to make my MVP choices for this year.

-The Hellbug

MVP: I'm coming up with this list on short notice thanks to my 'gracious' team owner so please excuse my brevity. This goes to Mor. E. N. Tezz, for just being the biggest scoring threat in the league. This guy wins games, and you just can't keep him down. The guy suffered an injury that would be career-ending on most, but he just keeps going.

Offensive Player of the Year: I'm putting Gondul for this award because of the way with, just a little support, she picks apart most other teams in the league.

Defensive Player of the Year: Coach says the best defense is a good offense, and the way Danforth plays as a blitzer with one of the most touchdowns in the league makes him deserving of this.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Lupus 'Patches' is the Patched Plagues offense. Wonder ho they'd do if anything happened to him...

Defensive Rookie of the Year; The early season play of John Green, and his terrifying performance against the boys and me makes him my choice here.

Oh My God · 02-12-2013, 01:39 PM

As our season wraps up, we here in the Front Office of Tinwë United have decided to look past the horriffic thumping we're all certain we're going to receive this week and instead focus on the bright lights of next season.

Styx Rivermen(8-1-3): This is the year of the Styx. The big boys can do no wrong. They're mangling Chaos and Orks, they're outscoring Elves, they slice, they dice, they cut julienne fries. We think they're going all the way this year. And if they do? Headcoach Crow says they're stepping down.

God do we hope they win.

Red Sabres(6-5-1): Our guess for the Main event? Sabres vs. Rivermen. And while we think the Rivermen will be retiring after taking the cup this year, we are almost certain the Sabres will be back for Season 3, and back in a big way. This is a serious franchise, with serious people.

Green IS your enemy!(4-7-1): Orks. Orks. Orks. They sufferd a few misfires, but Orks are always a solid choice. Being able to start. Going in to next season, I would look at keeping whichever Black Orks with Guard that I could. Blitzers skill fast enough on their own, especially with these anchors givint them help with guard.

Beerd(4-6-2): Guard! Guard! Guard! We hope ybot brings these guys back. Why? These guys have every chance of achieving

Hellbug's Heroes(5-6-1-): The ClawPOMB machine is starting to come online. If these guys come back next season, they'll have some serious Smashy Smashy potential. And with every chance that they'll take the Cup (stranger things have happened), we really expect that they'll return.

The Fancy Lads(10-1-1): To be honest, this is our favorite team in the league. Their style, both fashion and playstyle, are without compare. Their players are jaw-dropping. They're Orks. They'll be back.

Iron Giants(4-7-1): The Giants need to find a standout player to build around. The Sabres have Morr E.N. Tezz and Fredo D. Stefani. Dipalma is a potential core player, and that's some hope for this troubled team. "Mad" Max Saravia really needs to go, though.

MAIM KILL BURN(2-9-1): This team surprised us by not building towards a high note finish; we were certain that as the season rolled on, they would become the strongest bashing team in the league. Instead... we're rather skeptical this crew will be back.

The Johnnys' Quest(4-5-3): The Johnnys' still have an amazing lineup, with the core makeup for a strong start next season. In particular, retaining Benediction Johnson and Dijon 'Crazy' Bone is key. These two have the potential to setup a passing game every bit as strong as that displayed by the Valkyries. Our advice? Invest in some re-rolls, worry less about having the full positional spread. And this might sound crazy, but ditch the Tree. You're never, ever, ever, ever going to actually control the line. He's just one player who can't score a touchdown or pass the ball.

Patched Plagues(5-6-1): We really hope these guys'll be back next year. Lupus "Patches" is one of our favorite stars in the league, and if he can secure Mighty Blow as a skill soon, he'll be one of the most dangerous enforcers there is. A thought to consider; wrestle instead of block on the Fodder. This'll open the field up enormously against slow, stodgy teams like Dwarves and Orks.

Rampage!(6-4-2): Not much to say about Rampage. As in the season before, they're just a solid team. Our only suggestion for them is one word. Guard. Guard. Guard. Linemen who don't get guard in the first two skills should probably just be sacked. Dirty Player just isn't worth it in the current field.

Die Valkyrie (5-6-1): The Valks are one of the most solid scoring threats in the league. Dodge. Everywhere. In any game not against men under four feet tall, they'll just stay up longer and get away from tacklezones more often. Saving RRs from dodges means that you can spend them on blocks.

Tinwë United (5-5-2): And lastly, our team. Good god, our team. We're still not sure how the hell we wound up in the semi-finals. Utter madness. Provided that Topper Thirgail and Ingorian Windglaive survive this weeks massacre against the Rivermen, we'll be back. Otherwise, the United is headed back to the country club.

The Hellbug · 02-12-2013, 11:12 PM

Today, we're talking about the playoffs. Specifically, my opinions on the games in the playoffs so far and the current match-ups.
-The Hellbug

Sabres vs. Rampage: This was a game between two fo the best teams in the league and was, in my opinion, the game that should have been the closest in the quarterfinals. The Norsemen had more bashyness and the Sabers came in with more offensive options. In the end, Rampage's poor armor was the end of them, something of a theme for them this year that never plagued them last year, and the Sabers came out ahead.

Tinwe vs. Plagues: This game ended as an upset in my eyes. As team manager Oh My God has pointed out already, the pro elves have been notoriously streaky this season. On the other hand was the Patched Plagues, who constantly played better this season than their record shows. They were the only team to stand toe-to-toe against Rampage and come out okay for it. Patches was the most sought-after offensive asset in the League. However, it looks like Tinwe is on an upswing, and I wish them the very best of luck against the Rivermen this week.

Heroes vs. Lads: This was the biggest upset of the week, and it happened because of two reasons. First of all, we got lucky. My Heroes would never have made the playoffs at all if better teams hadn't sat their entire line against us for fear of late-season injuries. The Lads were the better team here. The second reason is that Fancy Lads manager Houlio only runs an 11-orc team. While this is adequate normally due to the orcs' high armor, the Heroes had claws, just the thing to rip through that heavy armor. It appears that the Lads only run 11 in order to keep opposing inducements down while still fielding one of the most dangerous teams in the league, but this time it was the death of them.

Rivermen vs. Valkyries: The Rivermen are the team to beat this year, nuff said. However, the overtime at least got us thinking that they may be able to beaten after all.

This week's games:

Heroes vs. Sabers: THis match will be every bit as tough for the Heroes as our match agianst the Lads, with two key differences. We can't count on injuries the way we did last week, due the Sabers' deeper lineup. In our faovr, though, we get enough inducement money to bring on Ajax's maternal uncle, Lord Borak the Despoiler, for the game. While I'm still giving this one to the Sabers, we may just stand a chance.

Rivermen vs. Tinwe: As much as I want to say that I want the elves to win this one, the Rivermen deserve to be in the playoffs this year. They haven't lost a single game they've tried to win, and they've just been an indomitable force. Oh My God said it right when he said that this season was the year of the Rivermen. That said, I want the league champion to be from Division B, and I think we'd have a better chance against the elves. GO TINWE!