Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Watch a movie together at home, or a series you both like? Done that a few times. Then stayed up late just talking. Eventually we didn't even see the anime episodes anymore.

Walking through parks or such is generally also pretty okay, only semi-date like (especially if you asked about seemingly as more of a spur-of-the-moment thing, unless it is a REALLY cool and/or pretty park), healthy (SNIFF THAT NATURE AIR) and free.

Okay, cool. Thank you for the advice guys.

[Adumbration]

Second response that I've gotten today, and this time fairly positive - perhaps I am doing something correctly with this OKCupid thing. The thing is, I don't really want you guys to coach me in my answers/responses - but I could use a general idea on what to expect. Is it supposed to be like a facebook chat? Or more like email? Short responses or long (of course this depends on topic etc., but in general)? Does response time matter?

[The Succubus]

Enjoy the conversation and let the response times take care of themselves. If it's a big question, such as thoughts and feelings towards each other, chew it over for a little bit so that you're clear in your head and heart about what you want.

[Adumbration]

Originally Posted by Saskia

I don't know, I wouldn't do that. People talk, and they also talk about who showed interest in them, and with facebook and the like you can't rely on the ZIP code rule to avoid looking bad.

I don't know, I wouldn't do that. People talk, and they also talk about who showed interest in them, and with facebook you can't rely on the ZIP code rule to avoid looking bad. Did you just out of the blue send that question, or is it part of a conversation? Do you know the person? How do you know about their interest in classic literature? It sounds like what you're saying is you just texted someone and suggested a book to them. Please correct me if that's not the case, I'm not trying to be presumptuous and I could easily have misunderstood, but if you were making suggestions a propos de nothing, that can make you come off as smug when you're really not.

Talking about literature with a lit nerd is a good call, but I would suggest you ask for a suggestion rather than suggesting. That's far more open ended and allows more than just a one or two word response. Still, of all the books to suggest to a romantic interest and you suggest a book about a guy falls in love with a mean girl and strings along a girl who really does like him and then finally can't choose between them? Oh yeah and then the girl who loves Lev runs back to the guy who beats her. And then he kills her. Not exactly a good sort of "I think you're really interesting and would like to get to know you" suggestion

This was in OkCupid, not facebook. Umm. If your advice still applies, I have absolutely no idea what the concept of "dating site" means. O.o

Also thanks for spoiling the book. I was about halfway through it.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Watch a movie together at home, or a series you both like? Done that a few times. Then stayed up late just talking. Eventually we didn't even see the anime episodes anymore.

Walking through parks or such is generally also pretty okay, only semi-date like (especially if you asked about seemingly as more of a spur-of-the-moment thing, unless it is a REALLY cool and/or pretty park), healthy (SNIFF THAT NATURE AIR) and free.

Plus, things being a little date-like without being too openly intimidating seems to me to be the kind of thing you want here given your intentions and interest, Faulty.

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Plus, things being a little date-like without being too openly intimidating seems to me to be the kind of thing you want here given your intentions and interest, Faulty.

Why did you bold my name? D:

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Faulty

Thank you for the advice. My problem is I normally just go to coffee with people

This is one of the best first date ideas. It's a relatively neutral and non-threatening environment where people can talk and get to know each other. Plus, there's plausable deniability if it doesn't go so well.

Originally Posted by Faulty

so my only idea of what else we could do would come off date like (movies, etc.). I guess that's my one hole right now. The rest of the suggestions I can manage.

What's wrong with something more date like? Though I don't suggest a movie as a first date. You want something where you can actually talk.

Originally Posted by Faulty

Why did you bold my name? D:

My guess? Because he quoted Morph Bark, but was addressing you and wanted to make sure you read it.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Faulty

Why did you bold my name? D:

Because I wasn't quoting you and wanted to make sure that the fact that I was addressing you was clear.

It's not that uncommon to do on the boards here.

[Faulty]

I dunno. Seemed odd to me, haha.

ANYWAY, it went pretty well though she was really talkative on an I-didn't-get-to-talk-much level, but I want to spend more time with her and see where it goes.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

It's not that uncommon to do on the boards here.

First time I've seen it in my four years.

Originally Posted by Faulty

ANYWAY, it went pretty well though she was really talkative on an I-didn't-get-to-talk-much level, but I want to spend more time with her and see where it goes.

Is being very talkative her usual MO? If not, go get 'r.

[Faulty]

I have 0 clues. Like, none of them. I'm hoping she was nervous or trying to impress or something, so was unusually chatty.

[Morph Bark]

Whelp, after yesterday I sent a Whatsapp message to the girl of my affections asking if she felt like watching March of the Penguins (random idea, since it's on today), I got a reply today telling me she wants some space since she just doesn't know anymore.

This is neither really here nor there. I've had positive and negative results from such messages before, but if I had to judge from her prior behaviour towards me, I'm guessing this should be good.

Unless I somehow have a negative influence on her study results, then I'm ****ed.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Whelp, after yesterday I sent a Whatsapp message to the girl of my affections asking if she felt like watching March of the Penguins (random idea, since it's on today), I got a reply today telling me she wants some space since she just doesn't know anymore.

This is neither really here nor there. I've had positive and negative results from such messages before, but if I had to judge from her prior behaviour towards me, I'm guessing this should be good.

Unless I somehow have a negative influence on her study results, then I'm ****ed.

Yeah, no. That's pretty much a negative, especially in light of what you've said previously.

Give her that space, and assume she won't be coming back. She may decide to, but don't hold your breath.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Rawhide

Yeah, no. That's pretty much a negative, especially in light of what you've said previously.

Give her that space, and assume she won't be coming back. She may decide to, but don't hold your breath.

What exactly did I previously say that you're referring to?

Either way, I told her I'd give her the space she needs and if she wants to talk, she could reach me and I hope that for the rest she's alright.


EDIT: I'm just gonna go ahead and stay positive. Not because I'm sure her answer will be positive, but because giving her space will prettymuch mean the same thing as doing what I've done the past two weeks with regards to her, since I knew she'd be unavailable last week, plus right now I could handle a slow termination much better than a quick one. Frankly, I really need at least something to be positive about, after losing my education, my job and more, but that would be more something for the other Woe thread. Which, to be honest, I'd hate to go into.

This isn't so much about this thing as about the whole puzzle, which is a lot more complicated and weighing on me than I'm willing to share.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

What exactly did I previously say that you're referring to?

About how she has been avoiding contact for several weeks, how you kept trying to make contact in different ways, and how she now wants space because she "just doesn't know anymore".

[Morph Bark]

Erm, if so, could you point out where I said that? Because that's not true. O.o

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Erm, if so, could you point out where I said that? Because that's not true. O.o

Here:

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

In my country we have a saying: "no news is good news."

This does not apply to relationships with people.

Not hearing from someone for two weeks kinda grates me. :|

And here:

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

If that is supposed to be a thing, I guess it's applicable moreso to your area than in general. My ex wasn't at all like that, for instance. With regards to this girl, I understand that's she's very busy (she's studying to become a dentist), but I like being in contact fairly regularly, however briefly. Texting doesn't seem to cut it for her, as she doesn't keep her phone with her most of the day as to not be disturbed during classes (they might not even be allowed in there, I forgot if she mentioned that).

Anyway, I decided to re-install WhatsApp on my smartphone, since she has her iPod with her more often than her Nokia phone and can apparently use WhatsApp on it. See if she replies to pokes on there.

Then here:

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Whelp, after yesterday I sent a Whatsapp message to the girl of my affections asking if she felt like watching March of the Penguins (random idea, since it's on today), I got a reply today telling me she wants some space since she just doesn't know anymore.

This is neither really here nor there. I've had positive and negative results from such messages before, but if I had to judge from her prior behaviour towards me, I'm guessing this should be good.

Unless I somehow have a negative influence on her study results, then I'm ****ed.

[Morph Bark]

*shrug* To be fair, I didn't text her during those two weeks either. It's more like she's been very hard to reach ever since her school started again. If that was instead her avoiding me, we wouldn't have gone out several times since then.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Faulty

I have 0 clues. Like, none of them. I'm hoping she was nervous or trying to impress or something, so was unusually chatty.

What'd she talk about? That can clue you in to what it was in a fair amount of cases.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

asking if she felt like watching March of the Penguins (random idea, since it's on today), I got a reply today telling me she wants some space since she just doesn't know anymore.

I didn't know penguins could affect a person like that

on a more serious note.. it doesn't sound good. I share Rawhide's view..I've never heard a girl say she needs time/space apart and it turn out good for the guy/them as a couple.

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

What'd she talk about? That can clue you in to what it was in a fair amount of cases.

Her family, school, Shakespeare, our mutual trans*-ness and various other things. Nothing I didn't also talk about, though I didn't have as much space in the conversation.

[Mauve Shirt]

Go to Mod party. Stay out til 3 AM.
Mom: "Were there any single young men at this party?"
Me: "No Mom, there were not."
Mom "Then I can not condone it as an activity that keeps you out until 3 AM."

Trust me Mom, been there done that.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Mauve Shirt

Go to Mod party. Stay out til 3 AM.
Mom: "Were there any single young men at this party?"
Me: "No Mom, there were not."
Mom "Then I can not condone it as an activity that keeps you out until 3 AM."

Trust me Mom, been there done that.

this is funny when you've just watched an episode of The Nanny

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Faulty

Her family, school, Shakespeare, our mutual trans*-ness and various other things. Nothing I didn't also talk about, though I didn't have as much space in the conversation.

Well, I hope she managed to work her way in there aside from her trans status. Not the best judge, personally, of whether that meant she was sticking to "safe" topics or not given my lack of context for your previous interaction and the culture of the area you're in and the place that you were for this discussion.

Originally Posted by Mauve Shirt

Go to Mod party. Stay out til 3 AM.
Mom: "Were there any single young men at this party?"
Me: "No Mom, there were not."
Mom "Then I can not condone it as an activity that keeps you out until 3 AM."

Trust me Mom, been there done that.

I second this motion, though I must admit, I'd somehow gotten the incorrect notion that you were engaged.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by Mauve Shirt

Go to Mod party. Stay out til 3 AM.
Mom: "Were there any single young men at this party?"
Me: "No Mom, there were not."
Mom "Then I can not condone it as an activity that keeps you out until 3 AM."

Trust me Mom, been there done that.

I've lost track on the number of times I've been out late to parties with no single/interested girls in sight.

[Jack Squat]

Alright, I'm looking for a bit of advice.

My girlfriend has been really stressed these past couple weeks because of her job (she's always on call). I do what I can to help relieve it outside of work (cook meals, try to plan fun things, etc.) but for the past bit, she's been entirely zapped of energy and all that fun stuff that comes with stress and working oodles of overtime. As a result, I think we're growing apart a bit (or at the least, she's a fair bit less passionate - which is understandable because of the whole no energy thing)

What can I do, outside of suggesting a career change, that can help this? I guess I'm looking for good stress relief techniques as well as things that can "rekindle" a relationship, if you will.

[Aedilred]

Originally Posted by Jack Squat

What can I do, outside of suggesting a career change, that can help this? I guess I'm looking for good stress relief techniques as well as things that can "rekindle" a relationship, if you will.

A holiday? I think that's pretty much the best thing for her sake, as well as for the relationship.

[Mauve Shirt]

Only over the past couple weeks? Don't worry about it, she's just stressed and worn out. The best advice would be to not plan activities until you're sure she doesn't just want to fall asleep on the couch. Be affectionate and she will appreciate it.

[Jack Squat]

Originally Posted by Aedilred

A holiday? I think that's pretty much the best thing for her sake, as well as for the relationship.

There's a 5 day trip planned in January. She can't get off work before then - short staffed as it is. Honestly, I think that if she was actually off call on the days that she's supposed to be, it'd help a lot.

Originally Posted by Mauve Shirt

Only over the past couple weeks? Don't worry about it, she's just stressed and worn out. The best advice would be to not plan activities until you're sure she doesn't just want to fall asleep on the couch. Be affectionate and she will appreciate it.

Well, about 6, but yeah. Noted on the planning, we're just generally both fairly active people, so it seemed like a good idea to go to the mountains, a bar, or game to "get away" from work life for a bit.

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Well, I hope she managed to work her way in there aside from her trans status. Not the best judge, personally, of whether that meant she was sticking to "safe" topics or not given my lack of context for your previous interaction and the culture of the area you're in and the place that you were for this discussion.

I really dunno how I'd read that situation other than she talked a lot, and there may have been a reason for it? Hopefully. I like her.