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How else could all those predictions have come true?
Seriously, the "Things I can't do while gaming thread" got me thinking about a similar type of list: Murphy's Law, adapted for DnD. There are many laws adapted to everyday life after the original "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong" rule, like "Everything good in life is illegal, immoral, or fattening" and "the repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before." I was wondering if anyone else had run into some rules of thumb in their games to make the old pessimist proud... Here are a few of mine, I'll post more later.
1. It's only funny until someone resurrects him...
2. The healer always goes first.
3. The nescessary and dramatic "long shot" will invariably crit fail.
4. The rogue will cry wolf one too many times.
5. The game always sides with the hidden flaw.
6. The game always sides with the undetected trap.
7. The DM always sides with the DM.
8. The doppleganger is always in the last place that you look - for the fifth time.
9. The hooded cloak is always bad news.
10. The glow and shrieks around the corner never involve the 4th of July.
11. The one girl willing to talk to you in the bar will have the Vow of Chastity feat.
12. The dragon always wakes up.
13. There is no nameless NPC that is not susceptible to bribes.
14. The eccentric old man is either a psychotic beggar or an epic caster. Either way, this won't end well.
15. If it's described as dark energy, it won't work for the party.
16. The sniper is always on the worst possible roof.
17. Most kingdoms have a nasty habit of locking up the treasuries.
18. You're never saving the princess from something temporary.
19. An army of barbarians can become an army of raging barbarians on any round.
20. Diplomacy never works if they're using siege weapons.
21. Diplomacy never works if they're on fire.
22. Diplomacy never works if they're dead.
23. Diplomacy never works on the DM.
24. Every class has an ability that will never be used.
25. Every race has a defining characteristic that can be mocked.
26. Rage tends to not work as an icebreaker in a civil discussion.
27. Niether does fireball.
28. No PC ever wishes for something balanced.
29. No PC ever gates in something balanced.
30. No good ever came from a team of gnomes and a bag of holding.
31. The BBEG is never interested in a sit-down debate.
32. The NPC's never need disguise checks.
33. The rogue always gets the blame.
34. The rogue is always to blame.
35. Nothing good ever started with "Ok, i'm going to use divine metamagic..."
See what you can come up with. Or not.. maybe it's too similar to the other list, but this one includes stuff in the game in general.
Spoiler: Now Playing...
The Dungeon Master in Happily Ever After (Pathfinder) Sidney "Black Box" Grey in I, Spy (Shadowrun 5e) Harmony "NetFire" Argall in In the Shade of the Apple Tree (Shadowrun 5e) Runes Bifröst, The First Child in Acting Badly, Etc. (Adeptus Evangelion, Borderline/2.5e)
36. The spell Wraithstrike is a class ability of dragons.
No, really. I've never fought a dragon without it in the last three years.
__________________ Niven's Laws, #5
If you've nothing to say, say it any way you like. Stylistic innovations, contorted story lines or none, exotic or genderless pronouns, internal inconsistencies, the recipe for preparing your lover as a cannibal banquet: feel free. If what you have to say is important and/or difficult to follow, use the simplest language possible. If the reader doesn't get it then, let it not be your fault.
39) Zane will ALWAYS betray the party.
40) First Door on the right always has something useful behind it.
41) Any door on the left spells doom.
42) Attempting to steal books from wizards is death
43) Consequences come of your actions. Especially if they advance the plot.
44) No, you can not redeem Vecna.
45)That chanting monk is probably a bad sign
46)When a sleeping goblin shouts "Shut up!" and manages to kill another goblin by throwing a pillow, its best to assume the sleeping goblin is not a normal one.
46)Pentagrams are never good.
47) If the chanting monk you just killed has his blood form into a pentagram it would have probably been a better idea just to pass him by.
I hope these qualify. All from one of my campaigns I ran. The goblin was a frenzied berserker with a nice huge con store, though he had -100 HP at one point so I decided he just exploded.
A few for my fellow barbarians...
49) If you rage, you will wish you had your full AC.
50) If you do not rage, you will wish you had the extra hitpoints.
51) If you rage, your teammates will kill all the enemies in the next round. If you choose not to rage, the enemies will continue to prevail until you finally give in and rage, at which point they will die easily and you will wish you had saved it. This will especially happen if you only get one rage a day.
52) The above applies for pretty much anything you can only do once a day.
53) The cleric will always roll high on his "Cure Critical Wounds" spells after combat. He will always roll low when you're about to come out of rage and die.
54) If you forgot to check the door for traps, the door is trapped.
55) If you forgot to check the room for traps, the room is trapped.
56) If you forgot to include a rogue in your party, everything is trapped.
57) Lycanthrope PCs will always fail their control shape checks when their human form is most needed.
58) The NPC you decided to trust will betray you.
64. Th efirst NPC you meet is important.
65. If you like him he's evil.
66. A 1 on a climb check is bad on a mountainside.
67. A warforged with adamantine body should not be tethered to the party while climbing a mountainside.
68. You know what? Don't climb mountains.
72. No, there isn't an explanation why only mages don't get armor. Deal with it.
73. Druids do everything. You don't.
74. Good drow die. That's why you don't see them often.
75. Don't try to use science in DnD; it only makes things worse.
76. Although the statistical chances of a natural 20 and a natural 1 are the same, the real chances of a natural 1 coming up on your dice is higher than the chances of a natural 20 coming up. Unfortunately for you, the reverse is true for the DM.
79) Anytime you gain a big level, there's always a vampire waiting to give you a hug and kiss.
80) The minute you gain the perfect blend of magic spells is the minute a monster with an anti magic shell is walking around the corner.
"Yes, I am shaking in my omnipotent boots at their new outfits. I am helpless against the powers of fashion."
82) If you ever roll a natural 20 when performing an action that requires multiple skill checks, you will roll a 1 on the next one.
My Ninja character: I'm going to jump up the rotted stairs. Ooo, nat. 20!
DM: Nice! Make a Balance check to see if you land on your feet.
Me: Ack! Natural 1!
DM: You fall through the stairs as if the wood was made of dust. Make a Reflex save to try and grab something.
Me: W00T! another 20!
DM: Alright, you manage to grab a stone part of the floor instead of falling into the basement.
Me: I'm gonna use my super ninja-ness to jump back to where I started. I can only fail on a...son of a b!tch! another 1. I'm stuck prone in the basement with the frakking spider, aren't I?
DM: Actually, you happened to be right over the trapdoor to the sewers. The good news is, the...er...water you land in cushions your fall. The bad news is, you're prone, you've dropped your sword, and you're surrounded by angry-looking wererats.
DM: Oh yeah, you're drowning in that, too.
"Your sentence unfortunately happens to be the precise name of a long-forgotten deity with the portfolio 'destroying all life'." - Mewthario
Ah, the dread entity known only as "Okay, what if I set it on fire?" strikes once more. - The_Snark
75. Don't try to use science in DnD; it only makes things worse.
Catgirls! Catgirls! Catgirls!
"Thrice-cursed spell resistance! It's almost like the universe itself is trying to deliberately force some form of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot."
Nope, nothing to see here. Move along, citizen.
Avatar of Ba'el, the half-orc elemental savant, courtesy of Dire Penguin.
Thats it, I'm adding a catgirl race to my D&D games; everytime someone in the game says something logical, a bolt of lightnight will randomly strike one of them. Wonder how long it will take for them to catch on...
________ Buy No2