Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[JNAProductions]

Not too surprising, based on the latest reports you gave us about the state of you two's "relationship". Did you ever get to discuss it with her, in the end...?

Did something trigger that boycott of you, or it was just a drift away that got worse and worse as time passed?

If you want to see the positive side of this, know that there were useful lessons and experience to be gained through this fleeting failed relationship. It's on you to learn them, though.

Also, I can't help but notice you're not really seeking advice here -- your posts are so short and cryptic that you must be well aware they're useless; not much in there to allow fellow Playgrounders to analyze your situation and offer feedback.

Was posted from phone, so that's why it was so short. My bad, though.

But, to expand on what's happened, I had resolved to talk to her in person after getting the advice from the Playground. Since then, we've talked on the phone once (and I didn't want to have a serious discussion over the phone) but... Not much else. I texted her a few times, called a few times, and just no answer.

I know it's not finals-they ended over a week ago (we go to the same college), and we usually talk at least BRIEFLY once a day.

It does seem kinda like a break up, honestly, which sucks. I mean, it's honestly maddening that she couldn't at least have the decency to TELL ME that she didn't want to date anymore.

Edit: Also, thank you guys for your advice and sympathy. I really do appreciate it!

Edit II: Just got ahold of her. Officially broken up. :(

[Comrade]

Edit II: Just got ahold of her. Officially broken up. :(

That's rough, man. At least now you know instead of having to play the guessing game any longer.

[Anonymouswizard]

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Could be worse.

At least it's not "Wrong Eye".

(I totally read that as "Redcoat" not "cloak" the first time, and thought she was referring to your being English, and her not, also congrats on spreading OotS fandom. Will your daughter be named "Haley" and your son "Elan"?)
.

She's not that far yet, but she has been reading instead of revising for exams, so she should be there tomorrow.

And yeah, I'd honestly deserve a crack like that anyway. I'm as English as tea and scones. And maybe if we have more than the triplet's she's already planned names for

[Crow]

@JNA: Good riddance. Congratulations on being rid of this person. Your life will be better for it.

[Anonymouswizard]

Well, I seem to have received a Christmas present today. So me and this French girl were charting, in our 'interested but not officially dating', and she asked me out. After a bit of a mixup involving me being a bit dense and her using can instead of will, we're now kind of officially in a relationship. It's scary, I don't want to let her down or hurt her and I've never had a relationship before, and I'm worried if I go to sleep I'll discover it's all a dream, but I'm happy and hopeful that it'll work out. I've never felt like this about anybody before, I just want to touch her skin and hold her all day long.

So I'm guess what I'm saying is that it is now truly a case of We? Oui!

[2D8HP]

...I've never felt like this about anybody before, I just want to....

Sounds like you're feeling the "butterflies-in-the-stomach-feeling".

Enjoy it while it lasts, stay hopeful.

Good luck

[Anonymouswizard]

Sounds like you're feeling the "butterflies-in-the-stomach-feeling".

Enjoy it while it lasts, stay hopeful.

Good luck

Will swallowing a spider work? I know it's normal for flies. Do spiders eat butterflies?

Yeah, mostly just posting because it was a bit out of the blue, literally at half eleven in the evening on Christmas Eve, and because I needed to admit finding it scary. An I in love? I think so, but I have no idea. What is love? Why do I want to just make her happy? Why do I think about her almost all the time? Why is French so difficult? I have so many questions, and I don't feel like anybody prepared me to deal with this. I keep wondering what'll happen if I screw up, say the wrong word, do the wrong thing, accidentally push her away. I feel like I want to spend eternity with her, to hold her beside me when the stars go out.

Also, I'm suspicious of the small sample size in that experiment.

[Recherché]

Am I weird for not falling madly in love with people, ever? I mean there are certainly people I'm incredibly fond of. There are people it would kill me to live without and people who make my day brighter just by being around.

But I don't quite get those butterflies in my stomach, I don't obsess about people to the exclusion of all else. I don't get seriously jealous. I've never fallen for anyone in less time than weeks.

I always develope feelings for people slowly, it's the people I've known for a while that I eventually realize that I love them on a more than platonic level.

[2D8HP]

Will swallowing a spider work? I know it's normal for flies. Do spiders eat butterflies?.

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No.

Time will end the "in love" feeling (if your lucky it will be replaced by lasting love).

Dwelling on unhappy thoughts "ennui" will kill the feeling as well.

have so many questions, and I don't feel like anybody prepared me to deal with this. .

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A hundred-thousand pop songs didn't warn you?

I guess not.

I keep wondering what'll happen if I screw up, say the wrong word, do the wrong thing, accidentally push her away..

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You will feel bad.

And then you will get past that.

And then you will fall in love again, but with a little less intensity, so you will have more your wits about you.

It's even possible to fall in love with the same person twice.

I feel like I want to spend eternity with her, to hold her beside me when the stars go out..

.
Yep, you've been bitten hard.

"In-love" is a bit like the pleasant madness of being intoxicated, especially for the first time.

In my experience, if you're both closer to 20 than to 30, the odds are that relationship won't last, but sometimes they do, so best wishes.

I've also read of some who manage to keep the "in-love" feeling (though usually at a simmer, rather than a boil).

Odds are even if you stay together (rooting for you), the "in love" feeling won't last, but then shared memories will bond you.

Hopeful and scared for you AW, may Eros and Tyche both bless you.

---

Am I weird for not falling madly in love with people, ever? I mean there are certainly people...

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Then you're missing something wonderful and terrible, R.

In remember how I felt at 19 I think you've missed something.

In remembering how I felt at 20 you're damn lucky.

(For the record I met the person who became my wife, and is still my wife, when I was 23 and she was 26, and no it wasn't the same as at 19, but since that was decades ago my memory may be dim).

[Comrade]

Am I weird for not falling madly in love with people, ever? I mean there are certainly people I'm incredibly fond of. There are people it would kill me to live without and people who make my day brighter just by being around.

But I don't quite get those butterflies in my stomach, I don't obsess about people to the exclusion of all else. I don't get seriously jealous. I've never fallen for anyone in less time than weeks.

I always develope feelings for people slowly, it's the people I've known for a while that I eventually realize that I love them on a more than platonic level.

Not at all. If anything, that sounds pretty much healthy and normal. You're not supposed to obsess over people to the exclusion of all else or become vehemently jealous over them. As for taking a while to develop feelings for people-- yeah, I think that's pretty much normal; most people don't fall heads over heels in a matter of days, at least not regularly enough to say it's normal. I don't think you're weird.

[Crow]

Am I in love?

No. But you will think you are.

[Velaryon]

Apologies if this is not the proper place for this, but it's at least related to relationships, so as long as it doesn't hijack the conversation I think it fits.

A few days ago, dating website OKCupid announced that they are doing away with usernames, and will be forcing users to use real names on their profiles. Their paper-thin justification is something about people using bad usernames, which is absurd since there was nothing stopping them from banning certain words from being used if that was really a problem. More likely, this is a grab for users' personal information so they can sell it to advertisers.

This is but the latest in a long line of bad decisions the people running this dating site have made in the last couple years IMO, but for me at least it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's a real problem because I just do not feel comfortable asking women out in person, so online has been the only way I've ever been able to get dates unless someone asks me out (which has only happened once in my life). There are other sites, but most of them are owned by the same company (OKCupid, Match, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and possibly others are all owned by the same company, which means they're mostly competing with themselves). I just don't trust this company now.

[dehro]

I believe that a person's given name doesn't really help them to sell information worth anything. Paying subscribers probably already have given that info anyway when they paid with their credit card.
Also,I believe you can just list any random name, if you have concerns of privacy and identity theft. I too don't really see the logic, but I don't really mind either way

[Anonymouswizard]

Am I weird for not falling madly in love with people, ever? I mean there are certainly people I'm incredibly fond of. There are people it would kill me to live without and people who make my day brighter just by being around.

But I don't quite get those butterflies in my stomach, I don't obsess about people to the exclusion of all else. I don't get seriously jealous. I've never fallen for anyone in less time than weeks.

I always develope feelings for people slowly, it's the people I've known for a while that I eventually realize that I love them on a more than platonic level.

Short answer, no. Maybe you're demi, but I'm not trying to label you (your description just reminds me of a friend who is). Whatever happens, there's nothing wrong with being you, whether that means falling in 'love' within a matter of days or needing months to do it.

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No.

Time will end the "in love" feeling (if your lucky it will be replaced by lasting love).

Dwelling on unhappy thoughts "ennui" will kill the feeling as well.

Yeah, I was just referencing a book from my early childhood ('there one was a lady who swallowed a fly...') I don't actually want to kill the feeling, but I do want to move past it.

A hundred-thousand pop songs didn't warn you?

I guess not.

They implied it would be easy!

You will feel bad.

And then you will get past that.

And then you will fall in love again, but with a little less intensity, so you will have more your wits about you.

It's even possible to fall in love with the same person twice.

I suppose. But what happens to her if I seriously hurt her? Now I'm both more and less worried.

Yep, you've been bitten hard.

"In-love" is a bit like the pleasant madness of being intoxicated, especially for the first time.

In my experience, if you're both closer to 20 than to 30, the odds are that relationship won't last, but sometimes they do, so best wishes.

I've also read of some who manage to keep the "in-love" feeling (though usually at a simmer, rather than a boil).

Odds are even if you stay together (rooting for you), the "in love" feeling won't last, but then shared memories will bond you.

Hopeful and scared for you AW, may Eros and Tyche both bless you.

Why does reality have to be so hard?

Well, I suppose something worth having is worth working and suffering for. Let's just hippie I have a high save vs stupidity and don't **** it up.

No. But you will think you are.

Stop running my fun with your reality!

Plus my favourite love song's are Tom Minchin's If I Didn't have You and You Grew On Me , I know this likely isn't real love or at least isn't unique. I just want to pretend it is.

[FinnLassie]

Doom's day is tomorrow. I am forced to face my boyfriend's mother. Less panicky than a week ago but still really anxious. I'll be bribing her with a slightly higher quality blend of coffee and sugar free chocolate... thank God I asked the bf if she likes marmalade or chocolates. Apparently she has high blood sugar/diabetes, so yeah. At least one bullet dodged?

[AMFV]

Will swallowing a spider work? I know it's normal for flies. Do spiders eat butterflies?

Yeah, mostly just posting because it was a bit out of the blue, literally at half eleven in the evening on Christmas Eve, and because I needed to admit finding it scary. An I in love? I think so, but I have no idea. What is love? Why do I want to just make her happy? Why do I think about her almost all the time? Why is French so difficult? I have so many questions, and I don't feel like anybody prepared me to deal with this. I keep wondering what'll happen if I screw up, say the wrong word, do the wrong thing, accidentally push her away. I feel like I want to spend eternity with her, to hold her beside me when the stars go out.

Also, I'm suspicious of the small sample size in that experiment.

Are you in love?

I don't know, it's certainly possible, although you can't say for sure yet.

Is this the "Redcloak" girl?

[Anonymouswizard]

Are you in love?

I don't know, it's certainly possible, although you can't say for sure yet.

Is this the "Redcloak" girl?

Yes, it's 'Redcloak' girl. Also known as 'turtle' girl. Also known as 'why did I have to meet you in my last year of uni'. And by her name, which I'm not giving out.

[Xapi]

Stop running my fun with your reality!

Maybe I can get back some of your fun.

I've been in love three times. I met all three women when I was very young. When the "next in line" came along, I thought that the last one was a doofus young infatuation that wasn't really true love like this one, because this one IS the real deal, and I have come to think at one point or another "I dodged a bullet there, that woman she grew up to be is nothing like the woman I'd like to be with."

The truth is that you skew your own memories and you try to rationalize things that are not rational.

If you feel like you need to be with a person and want to make it last forever, then you are in love. If you make it work, and continue to make it work, day in and day out, then that evolves into love. If you don't, then you'll grow out of it, and when you look back, you'll think maybe it wasn't such a big deal, and maybe you weren't "ment" to be together.

We really aren't ment for anything, we either make things work or we don't. I'm pretty certain that if I had a falling out with my wife, I would consider many of the things that are common in our relationship to be inacceptable for a future partner, and a small part of me would think that I'm "better off" without her, much like I think I'm "better off" without those previous women I fell for. But it's been 16 years and I still want to be with her, make her laugh, relief her troubles, share what we share, raise our son together. So I'm still in love, or I still love her, please don't argue semantics.

TLDR: This was a very rambly way to say, that I believe you are in love. In time if you make it work you're likely to think you've been in love all along, whereas if you don't you're likely to think it was just an infatuation. I personally don't see that much difference, love is an infatuation that is extended over a large period of time, and from that base begins to build other things on top of it.

[AMFV]

Yes, it's 'Redcloak' girl. Also known as 'turtle' girl. Also known as 'why did I have to meet you in my last year of uni'. And by her name, which I'm not giving out.

I don't need her name. But given what you've said about her, I would say that you have some very strong interest at the very least. I wouldn't worry about whether you're "in love" just yet. Just pursue the relationship and keep dong what you're doing. Later on you can figure out how you're feeling about her. And if you eventually decide that she's the one, which she might be, then go for it. I wouldn't rule it out or not yet.

[AuthorGirl]

Doom's day is tomorrow. I am forced to face my boyfriend's mother. Less panicky than a week ago but still really anxious. I'll be bribing her with a slightly higher quality blend of coffee and sugar free chocolate... thank God I asked the bf if she likes marmalade or chocolates. Apparently she has high blood sugar/diabetes, so yeah. At least one bullet dodged?

If she's even slightly similar to my grandmother (who's gluten- and dairy-free), giving her treats she can actually eat will score you a huge amount of points. It's considerate and . . . well, chocolate is good.

[Algeh]

I'm in this weird place where I really don't feel like dating or seeking out a new relationship, but would really like to be in a committed partnership for division of household labor and, ideally, starting a family. I'm tired of trying to run an entire house by myself, and I also want children. I have a house and a steady job, and just want to stop trying to go it alone rather than as part of a family.

Basically, I want the "old deal" where random singles would get united by social pressure form their communities to pair off rather than the "new deal" where I'm supposed to weed through all of the people who are not looking for commitment but are looking for romance to try and find someone else who is also basically looking for commitment rather than just romance.

(I've enjoyed being in relationships a couple of times in the past, but I'd say that it isn't something I seek out when I don't have it.)

I'm not a member of a religious group that is likely to be in any way helpful in achieving this goal, so the "hope your fellow religious types pair you off with a similarly-situated congregational member" system won't work in my case. (This is what gets suggested to me by people I know in real life, but my religion just doesn't seem to work that way, and I suspect joining a congregation of a religion I am not actually part of for this purpose would be a really terrible idea.)

Anyway, any advice on how I can make trying dating again seem more vaguely pleasant? Or anything else I should try to work toward having a family some day? (I'm seriously considering going through the process to become a foster parent and eventually adopting older children out of foster care as a single parent instead, but I don't think I'm quite ready to handle single-parenting older kids who've had a rough time of it just yet. Once again, this would be something that would work much better with a partner.)

(It doesn't help that I have trouble eating at fancy restaurants due to food allergies, get stressed in large crowds or by loud noises so dislike going out to movies, and generally am not a fun person to go out on "dates" with. My main recreational "leave the house" group activity is SF and/or filk conventions, which make terrible first dates because they last entire weekends and are often out of town, plus I only go to a few of them a year. My regular "fun" activity is reading or listening to music at home, where it's quiet, not crowded, and there is no rumbling bass or people sitting/walking behind me.)

It doesn't help that of all of the other women from my "childhood cohort" (basically, children of my mother's friends that I still get regular life updates on from my mother, plus relatives about my age), only one seems to have managed to stay "no restraining orders or other drama on that level" married to the father of her children. The rest of them all ended up single mothers anyway, and/or somewhere in the court system arguing over shared custody.

Bleh.

[dehro]

Join a reading group, a meditation group, a local fandom group or something other revolving around stuff you like doing anyway. That way you get to do stuff you like and meet other people from the desired sex who share your interests. Pick activities that favour calm and stress free environments to avoid anxiety issues crippling your style.
Alternatively, try the online dating scene and post a cleaned up version of what you just said on your profile.

[Xapi]

I'm in this weird place where I really don't feel like dating or seeking out a new relationship, but would really like to be in a committed partnership for division of household labor and, ideally, starting a family. I'm tired of trying to run an entire house by myself, and I also want children. I have a house and a steady job, and just want to stop trying to go it alone rather than as part of a family.

Basically, I want the "old deal" where random singles would get united by social pressure form their communities to pair off rather than the "new deal" where I'm supposed to weed through all of the people who are not looking for commitment but are looking for romance to try and find someone else who is also basically looking for commitment rather than just romance.

(I've enjoyed being in relationships a couple of times in the past, but I'd say that it isn't something I seek out when I don't have it.)

I'm not a member of a religious group that is likely to be in any way helpful in achieving this goal, so the "hope your fellow religious types pair you off with a similarly-situated congregational member" system won't work in my case. (This is what gets suggested to me by people I know in real life, but my religion just doesn't seem to work that way, and I suspect joining a congregation of a religion I am not actually part of for this purpose would be a really terrible idea.)

Anyway, any advice on how I can make trying dating again seem more vaguely pleasant? Or anything else I should try to work toward having a family some day? (I'm seriously considering going through the process to become a foster parent and eventually adopting older children out of foster care as a single parent instead, but I don't think I'm quite ready to handle single-parenting older kids who've had a rough time of it just yet. Once again, this would be something that would work much better with a partner.)

(It doesn't help that I have trouble eating at fancy restaurants due to food allergies, get stressed in large crowds or by loud noises so dislike going out to movies, and generally am not a fun person to go out on "dates" with. My main recreational "leave the house" group activity is SF and/or filk conventions, which make terrible first dates because they last entire weekends and are often out of town, plus I only go to a few of them a year. My regular "fun" activity is reading or listening to music at home, where it's quiet, not crowded, and there is no rumbling bass or people sitting/walking behind me.)

It doesn't help that of all of the other women from my "childhood cohort" (basically, children of my mother's friends that I still get regular life updates on from my mother, plus relatives about my age), only one seems to have managed to stay "no restraining orders or other drama on that level" married to the father of her children. The rest of them all ended up single mothers anyway, and/or somewhere in the court system arguing over shared custody.

Bleh.

I would agree that your position is somewhat hard, and as for advice the best I have is the usual "join a group of people that meet to do stuff you like to do". The second best advice is "You don't know which potential partner would be willing to initiate a long term commitment, but often the potential partners themselves don't know either, so maybe go for it anyway?"

As a comment, though, if you are willing to adopt a child, I don't see why you have a problem with single mothers as potential love interests? I actually think someone in that situation could potentially be a great fit for you, since, YMMV, but single moms would probably prefer the stability of a relationship over the voltality of one night stands and such, both because of the need to make schedules work, and the need to provide an "example" to their children (which, you know, you don't have to agree that it is an example, just note that some people will interpret it that way).

[FinnLassie]

Nope, boyfriend's mother still pretty much hates me. But does it in a way that he belittles my boyfriend, with stuff such as "this woman she does not fit you, you are not a good enough of a man."

AAAAAAARGHHH

[Xapi]

Nope, boyfriend's mother still pretty much hates me. But does it in a way that he belittles my boyfriend, with stuff such as "this woman she does not fit you, you are not a good enough of a man."

AAAAAAARGHHH

That's actually pretty great for you, insofar as the fact that she's using you to attack him makes it clear that the problem is her.

So, you know, this person sucks, you know it, your boyfriend probably knows it, so to survive the holydays and continue to not think about her for the rest of the year should be your goal.

[Crow]

I'm in this weird place where I really don't feel like dating or seeking out a new relationship, but would really like to be in a committed partnership for division of household labor and, ideally, starting a family. I'm tired of trying to run an entire house by myself, and I also want children. I have a house and a steady job, and just want to stop trying to go it alone rather than as part of a family.

Basically, I want the "old deal" where random singles would get united by social pressure form their communities to pair off rather than the "new deal" where I'm supposed to weed through all of the people who are not looking for commitment but are looking for romance to try and find someone else who is also basically looking for commitment rather than just romance.

(I've enjoyed being in relationships a couple of times in the past, but I'd say that it isn't something I seek out when I don't have it.)

I'm not a member of a religious group that is likely to be in any way helpful in achieving this goal, so the "hope your fellow religious types pair you off with a similarly-situated congregational member" system won't work in my case. (This is what gets suggested to me by people I know in real life, but my religion just doesn't seem to work that way, and I suspect joining a congregation of a religion I am not actually part of for this purpose would be a really terrible idea.)

Anyway, any advice on how I can make trying dating again seem more vaguely pleasant? Or anything else I should try to work toward having a family some day? (I'm seriously considering going through the process to become a foster parent and eventually adopting older children out of foster care as a single parent instead, but I don't think I'm quite ready to handle single-parenting older kids who've had a rough time of it just yet. Once again, this would be something that would work much better with a partner.)

(It doesn't help that I have trouble eating at fancy restaurants due to food allergies, get stressed in large crowds or by loud noises so dislike going out to movies, and generally am not a fun person to go out on "dates" with. My main recreational "leave the house" group activity is SF and/or filk conventions, which make terrible first dates because they last entire weekends and are often out of town, plus I only go to a few of them a year. My regular "fun" activity is reading or listening to music at home, where it's quiet, not crowded, and there is no rumbling bass or people sitting/walking behind me.)

It doesn't help that of all of the other women from my "childhood cohort" (basically, children of my mother's friends that I still get regular life updates on from my mother, plus relatives about my age), only one seems to have managed to stay "no restraining orders or other drama on that level" married to the father of her children. The rest of them all ended up single mothers anyway, and/or somewhere in the court system arguing over shared custody.

Bleh.

So...you just want help running your house, and...a kid.

When I split with my ex-wife, I hired a lady to run errands for me occasionally. Grab groceries, prepare some lunches for me for the week, maybe grab some other items from the hardware store or other store if I needed something. I gave her like $50 a week for it. All the other household chores I did myself, because I am a generally tidy person, and it wasn't too much work to do on my days off.

As for kids; Have you looked into mentoring?

[Algeh]

I would agree that your position is somewhat hard, and as for advice the best I have is the usual "join a group of people that meet to do stuff you like to do". The second best advice is "You don't know which potential partner would be willing to initiate a long term commitment, but often the potential partners themselves don't know either, so maybe go for it anyway?"

As a comment, though, if you are willing to adopt a child, I don't see why you have a problem with single mothers as potential love interests? I actually think someone in that situation could potentially be a great fit for you, since, YMMV, but single moms would probably prefer the stability of a relationship over the voltality of one night stands and such, both because of the need to make schedules work, and the need to provide an "example" to their children (which, you know, you don't have to agree that it is an example, just note that some people will interpret it that way).

I don't have a problem with single mothers as potential love interests, actually, although the proportion of them open to a female partner would probably narrow that end of the dating pool down a bit. That paragraph was more about trying to decide if going through the whole "finding a partner to have a kid with" as opposed to, say, "having a kid all by myself using donor sperm" or "adopting a middle-schooler out of the foster system" (both of which are probably things I could manage without finding a partner if I tried) is actually substantially more likely to result in me having a co-parent (which I would definitely prefer over going it alone), given the track records of people I know about my age with kids.

So...you just want help running your house, and...a kid.

When I split with my ex-wife, I hired a lady to run errands for me occasionally. Grab groceries, prepare some lunches for me for the week, maybe grab some other items from the hardware store or other store if I needed something. I gave her like $50 a week for it. All the other household chores I did myself, because I am a generally tidy person, and it wasn't too much work to do on my days off.

As for kids; Have you looked into mentoring?

I don't so much need someone to run errands or clean the house as to do "handyman" stuff, and that seems to be a lot more expensive. (I've priced regular pool maintenance, and that's a LOT more than $50/visit right there without even getting into things like cleaning the gutters, landscaping clean-up, figuring out what the mystery switches do, and replacing some siding.) I don't mind learning how to do all of those things, I'd just rather be doing it alongside someone else rather than alone. For example, I learned how to change door locks last year when a friend of mine needed to re-key his house in a hurry, and it was much easier for both of us to figure it out with someone else there to talk things over with when we got stuck. Changing my own door locks this year was harder because the deadbolt holes were the wrong size for my new deadbolts so I had to enlarge them, but I figured it out. I used the wrong tool (apparently I should have used something called a "hole saw" and I instead used my woodcarving kit, which took forever), but I eventually got the hole big enough for the new deadbolt. (I...really don't know what I'm doing in terms of that kind of stuff. I last took woodshop in 3rd grade, and all I have to go on after that are a bunch of art/craft type of classes. I can sew clothes starting by drafting my own patterns to the measurements of the person I'm sewing for, but I'm much more likely to know how to make a woodblock carving than how to build a table.)

I work with kids for a living (schoolteacher in a small school where I'll teach some of the same students for 5-6 years at a stretch) so wanting kids of my own is much more about "wanting to raise my own family" rather than "wanting to spend more time around kids" or "wanting to have an impact on youth" (I'm already doing that), so I don't think mentoring would be much help.

[Crow]

Honestly sounds like you need a real relationship, because you've described married life for most of the people I know who are still married (including myself, after the first one) once you've moved past the puppy dog stage. Successful marriage is about both partners providing value that the other finds desirable, after all. In this case, climbing up to clean the gutters, and someone to help out with projects around the house; common value niches. :)

I think you are going to have to bite your lip and do things the old fashioned way.

The good news is, if you are as honest and straightforward about what you're looking for as you've been here; and honest with them about what you bring to the table, you should be able to sift quickly through the time wasters (I imagine all the **** partners I've had to be like NPCs generated by the world to teach me how to be more selective. Of course that means I was somebody else's NPC too!).

[VoxRationis]

(Disclaimer: In the event that you know who I am personally, please refrain from reading this post.)

I am in the position of being attracted to one of my co-workers. My job is sort of production-focused, so I don't know her particularly well (we only really talk when we're waiting for our day shift deskmates to leave), but I've enjoyed talking with her and find her to be comely, so I am interested in seeing where that goes. She seems to usually enjoy my company, as she smiles and is friendly when we talk, but she seems to be similarly ebullient in the company of others, so I can't safely interpret that as a sign of attraction. In general, I do not trust my reading of her thoughts and opinions about me. Humans are about as good at hiding true feelings as they are at reading them, and it's too easy for confirmation bias to cloud my perception in this regard.
The fact that we are co-workers, rather than casual acquaintances through some non-professional social circle, is also a complicating factor. Fortunately, neither one of us is in any position of superiority over the other, and such is unlikely in the near future. We work in the same large room, but in different departments (we don't really have to interact in our professional capacities). In the second-to-worst-case scenario that she becomes uncomfortable around me because of expressed attraction, I could give her plenty of distance with comparatively slight adjustments to my workday. (The worst-case scenario is, of course, that she interprets even a single polite overture as sexual harassment and reports me to HR, though I consider this unlikely.)
My attraction to this co-worker is comparatively casual. I would be disappointed, but not crushed, were she to reject an advance, and I would be happy were we to continue as friends. My greatest concern is that she might become spooked and break off contact. What do people think I should do in this situation? My ex-girlfriend believes I should attempt to engineer extended social contact in groups, to build a more extended bond before attempting to make romantic overtures. I am concerned that this could prove logistically difficult due to my work occurring in the evening shift. My co-workers have a tendency to want to rush home and sleep after work, and most neutral locations besides Cub Foods have a tendency to be closed at that time.

[Liquor Box]

(Disclaimer: In the event that you know who I am personally, please refrain from reading this post.)

I am in the position of being attracted to one of my co-workers. My job is sort of production-focused, so I don't know her particularly well (we only really talk when we're waiting for our day shift deskmates to leave), but I've enjoyed talking with her and find her to be comely, so I am interested in seeing where that goes. She seems to usually enjoy my company, as she smiles and is friendly when we talk, but she seems to be similarly ebullient in the company of others, so I can't safely interpret that as a sign of attraction. In general, I do not trust my reading of her thoughts and opinions about me. Humans are about as good at hiding true feelings as they are at reading them, and it's too easy for confirmation bias to cloud my perception in this regard.
The fact that we are co-workers, rather than casual acquaintances through some non-professional social circle, is also a complicating factor. Fortunately, neither one of us is in any position of superiority over the other, and such is unlikely in the near future. We work in the same large room, but in different departments (we don't really have to interact in our professional capacities). In the second-to-worst-case scenario that she becomes uncomfortable around me because of expressed attraction, I could give her plenty of distance with comparatively slight adjustments to my workday. (The worst-case scenario is, of course, that she interprets even a single polite overture as sexual harassment and reports me to HR, though I consider this unlikely.)
My attraction to this co-worker is comparatively casual. I would be disappointed, but not crushed, were she to reject an advance, and I would be happy were we to continue as friends. My greatest concern is that she might become spooked and break off contact. What do people think I should do in this situation? My ex-girlfriend believes I should attempt to engineer extended social contact in groups, to build a more extended bond before attempting to make romantic overtures. I am concerned that this could prove logistically difficult due to my work occurring in the evening shift. My co-workers have a tendency to want to rush home and sleep after work, and most neutral locations besides Cub Foods have a tendency to be closed at that time.

Go for it, you have more to gain than to lose - it is worth it even if there's only a small chance that she's into you. Lots of people meet through work, so there's nothing wrong with taking the risk. The chances of being reported to HR would be slim so long as aren't too persistent or forceful.

You could mitigate the risk of awkwardness or her being spooked by making your invitation causal "hey that movie we were looking forward to opens next week, want to see it?", then suggesting eating beforehand and drinks afterward, rather than "I find you comely and ebullient so would give me the pleasure of your company....".