Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[ZeroGear]

GM: “So first, Love 'seduces' Powder Keg and now Rose pulled out freaking massage cream and started rubbing it over her?”
Rose: “Pffft. It's Icy Hot. Lidocaine! There's nothing sexy about this!”
Sniper: “We know the truth, Rose. The mares on this team are so loose, they're always looking for a screwdriver.”

Mistaking Icy Hot for 'massage cream' is a very painful experience. Especially when it's used in...tender areas.

Spoiler: Responses

Show

Love: “We're brain buds! A two layer cake stack covered in icing!”
Sniper: “Are not. I'm more of a veggie burger.”
Love: “I can do this! (Rubs head) I'm the cheese that's all over you? I really preferred the creamy analogy.”
Sniper: “I'm lactose intolerant.”
Love: “Fine! You be a vegetable! I didn't want to be with you anyway! I'll go live out there with Rose! We'll be cakes together!”

Honestly surprised she didn't try the "You're the patty between my buns" analogy, or would that one be too on the nose?

Star: “When the cookie comes with fine print longer than my tail, I'll pass mate.”

That's a very unfortunate cookie.

And so one adventure ends, but another begins.

Brune: "What the heck were you thinking?"
Laurence: "That it would work?"
Brune: "You irresponsible idiot!"
Laurence: "Well you're a grouchy miser!"
Brune: "Chicken hugging lunatic!"
Laurence: "Skulking downer!"
Brune: "Magic arsonist!"
Laurence: "Swordsticker!"
Brune: "Aracnophile!"
Laurence: "Fatty-Fiddler!"
*DM nearly chokes on his drink*

BBEG: "So, you have come, even knowing it will end in your demise!"
Rugar: "If I ran, I wouldn't be able to call myself a man!"
BBEG: "What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets!"
*beat*
Laurence: "Why is everyone looking at me?"

DM: So, the day is saved. What now?
Rugar: I'm establishing a huntsmen school to teach others about fighting monsters.
Laurence: I'm marrying Anena and we'll be going into business selling enchanted silks.
Delilah: I'm returning to my temple and becoming a head priestess.
Rugar: I'm going to the bar and drink so hard I'll destroy it in the process!
*beat*
DM: Well, we can't all have grand designs.

Spoiler: Cast

Show

Jolting Jeststorm (JoJo) - Pegasus descendant of Joyous Jonagold. Brash, loud, silly, but brave when it counts.
Crescent Zap (CZ) - Apprentice Unicorn magician, descendant of Wild Zap. Suave and cool.
Bronze Smoke (BS) - Earth pony, friends with JoJo. Kind and caring.
Sweet Cure (SC) - Unicorn healer. Reasonable and understanding. Works as the maid of Crescent.

CZ and SC had to leave after creation, so it's only JoJo and BS in this one.

Royal Guard: "Please take this seriously, we need your help."
JoJo: "What, like some evil monster's just going to pop up out of nowhere or something."
Dealer: As you say those words, the room begins to feel a bit colder. From one of the corners, a shadow begins to rise rom the floor. A single hoof coalesces, then another, then the muzzle of what seems to be a dark unicorn with eyes red as blood. It stares at you (JoJo), lips curling back into a wicked, fang-filled grin.
JoJo: "I got this!" *grabs Guard, holds him in front of him, begins cranking tail.*

SB: "That's a lot of shades."
JoJo: "Yes, they are."
SB: "What are we going to do?"
JoJo: "Don't worry, I have a plan!"
SB: "You do?"
JoJo: "You see these wings?"
SB: "Yes?"
JoJo: "I'm going to use them..."
SB: "Yes?"
JoJo: "AND FLY AWAY LIKE THE WIND!"
SB: "THAT'S YOUR PLAN?"

[Beacon of Chaos]

What system did you use, if you don't mind me asking?

Savage Worlds, with a few custom rules to account for shields and random weapons.

---

Superhero one-shot.

Dragon Fist: The first thing I ever heard about [player] was "He's a ****ing traitor!"
Harmony: *grins*

GM: This is a stadium for Sports Ball, the world's favourite sport.

Fate's Knight: We're going to go on this mission and attempt to minimise the number of memes we quote.
*10 minutes later*
Fate's Knight: We shouldn't have come to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Comet: Mission failed.

Door: What's the magic word?
Chain: Please may we come in?
Door: ...Holy ****! No one's ever managed to get that right!

GM: General Patton unleashes a hail of bullets on the nazis with dual-wielded tommy guns.

GM: The space city is under attack by the giant robot garden gnome: Gno Mercy!

[Guizonde]

raymond: i am not a piñata!!
necron: i dunno, we hit you, guts fall out.
padré: seems legit.

dm: the psyker is preparing a huge ball of lightning.
ray: i give him something medicinal!
dm: *rolls* crap. it works and he drinks the booze.
dag: ray spent an hour getting booze rather than getting a medikit. he's got his priorities straight.
padré: he did say it was medicinal.
dm: it should not work!!

dm: the necron has a boner.
team: *spittake*

dm: the doctor gives you a high-velocity bionic eye.
padré: *screams in pain*
lux: does this mean he suffers?

necron: pilot, hit the priest.
ross: a please would be nice... *hits the padré*

dm: necron, quit trying to attach raymond on your heavy bolter!
necron: but he's a better bayonet than the rest of the team!

ray: is it your turn or mine to carry casualties?
necron: yours. definitely yours.
padré: but we don't have any casualties.
dag: haven't you been paying attention to what happens during sessions?!

dm: next bionic upgrade, we'll try and get you a power middle finger.
ray: isn't that part of the angry marines wargear?
ross: awesome.

dm: ok, seems like jencyo has a habit of making it rain blood when he casts... it's the third psyker blood storm you guys face in 30 minutes.
necron: good. we're getting close.
ray: aw come on! i look like a friggin' blood pact trooper already!
dag: and i had just washed those shoes...
jace: *sigh* at least it's not my blood for once...
ross: eww, psyker aunt flo is angry!
team: ...
dm: ...
ross: ... what?

[Tiadoppler]

GM: You hear a low moaning as four ghosts phase into the room through the walls.
Warlock: Am I still in bed? I want to stay under the covers.
Paladin: Ghosts can go through covers!
Warlock: No they can't! Shut up.


Fighter: (mid-battle) I start grabbing stuff out of my apron. Cookie for you. Bacon for you. Cookie for you. Scone for you. Who's the quiche for?


Wizard: I'll hide in the stable with the rest of the horses.
Paladin: You're not a horse. You're pink.


GM: You see a spiral staircase leading do-
Paladin: Oh no!
Warlock: Not again.
Fighter: Nothing good can come of this.


Paladin: So, like, are you really a horse?
Wizard: Nay.


Paladin: I'm going to use my Darkvision and-
Wizard: Light!
Warlock: Light!
Fighter: I have a lit torch.
Monk: (throws flare)
Paladin: I see... nothing but the light. Should I head towards it? Ow, my bleeding eyes.


Paladin: But who will take care of our cows?


Warlock: I've had bad experiences with stairs. I don't do that any more.


Warlock: I don't want to go.
Wizard: Okay, I'll go. (Warlock) will stay behind to watch the wagon.
Warlock: Alone? Alright, I'll come.
Fighter: *sigh* I'll watch the wagon.
Paladin: We need you to come with us!
Warlock: I don't want to go. I'll stay with (Fighter).
Wizard: If you stay, and (Fighter) stays, we won't have enough people.
Fighter: I want to go, but we can't leave the wagon without a guard.
Paladin: Just come on, (Fighter).
Fighter: Coming.
Warlock: Wait! I don't want to stay alone. I'm coming too.
Fighter: I could stay behind to watch the wagon.


Paladin: Wait. Can I, like, heal people?


Paladin: Come on, (Wizard), help me out. Tell this guy what happened.
Wizard: *whinnies* *eats grass*
Paladin: Look, captain, he really can talk. He's not a horse!


Warlock: (Barbarian) and I are making pillow forts in the corner.
Paladin: That's so stupid! It's a waste of time. Do something useful.
Warlock: I told (Barbarian) that the boulders were pillows, so that's what he's making the fort out of.
Wizard: Are the forts... big enough for me?
Barbarian: I make bigger for horsey!
Wizard: ... I approve.


Fighter: Get over here!
Paladin: Zombies are scary. I'll stay at range.


Warlock: It's following me! Why is it following me? I'm going to hide behind (Wizard)
Wizard: What?
Warlock: Oh you'll be fine. It's slow and weak.
Wizard: Then why are you-
Warlock: I've got an allergy.


Fighter: Everybody who's not actually dying had better be out here helping collect spices!


Barbarian: What you doing?
Wizard: Reading.
Barbarian: Ohhhhhh... I walk away. I've got nothing else.


Monk: (stealth success) I hide in (Wizard)'s rolled-up bedroll with my nose sticking out one end, and my tail sticking out the other, and fall asleep.
Wizard: I notice nothing. I'm just walking along grumbling about how heavy my saddlepack is.


Wizard: No. You may not ride me.
Monk: Not even-
Wizard: This is how PvP starts.

[Teleros]

New campaign with mostly new players, not much in the way of quotes since I had to keep track of a lot of stuff.

Spoiler: Characters:

Show

Crona, Dwarf war cleric of Jeff (Remember to make your players think up gods in advance!) - Heavily armored and the tankiest of the group. Tries to recruit anything breathing despite abyssmal persuasion.
Inigo Montoya, Half elf bard - A very antisocial bard, wanted to attack and pillage a village for being unfriendly.
Nightfull, Half elf wizard - The one sane man of the group, and the only experienced player, blew all his spells early.
Vailean, Half elf rogue - Searches for a missing story, is very good at being sneaky, and lover of halfling cuisine.

DM:
Suddenly you hear the most bloodcurdling chicken cluck you ever heard.

Inigo:
My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
DM:
despite it's complete inability to understand you, it flutters about for a few moments, before collapsing to the swamp having lost the will to live.

Crona: Hello there, will you be my squire?
Captain of the guard rolls her eyes: You adventurer's are all the same, poking your nose into other people's businesses, and trying to force your way around everything. You can go to the inn and stay there, but we have bigger problems to deal with.
Crona: I'm not an adventurer, I'm a trader, here do you want to buy this warhammer?
Guard: A merchant in full scale armor, with a shield and holy symbols? Yeah right, I don't think so.
Crona: You insult my honor! Duel me or fight to the death.
Guard: Look, I don't want to have to get the other guards right now and haul you through the village unconcious to the other side, just go to the inn.
Crona: We are here on important business, the mayor of Riverbend is a necromancer raising an army of the dead heading straight to here.
Guard <Very exasparated>:Sure he is, look, just go to the inn.
Crona: I'm going to report you to the mayor *wanders off*

Nightfull: While inigo isn't looking I steal his bacon *success*.
Crona: I eat the bacon.

Nightfull: I steal the kobold's bacon *failure*
Kobold: You want bacon? sure I not eat much.
Crona: I eat the bacon.

Nightfull: I cast sleep on Crona.
Nightfull rifles through Crona's belongings and takes a warhammer.
Nightfull to innkeeper: I'd like to sell this for two strips of bacon, innkeeper heads to the kitchen to make it.
After a short while innkeeper brings bacon.
Crona: I eat the bacon.
Inigo: I eat the other strip.

[Lord Torath]

<snip>

My 13-year-old daughter demands more of this!

[Guizonde]

dm: it's dark, you hear thunderclaps, and it starts to rain blood.
ray: i curse in occitan. i'm gonna need the blessing.
dag: can you do it over the comm-link? i'm gonna need the blessing too!
jace: uh, i thought i was the one supposed to bless people.
dm: no, you should be blessing their souls, not their shooting results.

dm: st celestine has an incinerator. the padré's got a flamer.
ray: he should pray to saint ollanius, it's harder to dodge las than flames.
necron: imaginary friend fight!

ross: dag, you need to hit the cogitator keys to use the auspex.
dag: but all lux does to use it is go "wololo!" *shakes hands in front of him*

ross: ok, i coast her into a gentle hover, and activate the windshield wipers.
ray: note to self. get me some of those for my visor.

dag: i'm gonna go sleep in the arboretum, i don't want insanity points on top of my corruption points.
ray: way ahead of you. your hammock's between a maple and an elm, third left after the vineyard patch. mine's just next tree over.
dm: ... ray, do you have other priorities aside from overkill and wine-making?!
ray: keeping dag alive and in good health?
dag: so, no, just overkill and wine-making.

jace: i want a bolt pistol, ray told me it was how to say the last rites in this universe.
dm: ray!! that's the emperor's peace!
dag and ray: *snickering*

necron: raymond, i feel like i have a boner.
ray: i now have an excuse for my failed spot check!
dm: what is it?
ray: *extreme googly eyes*
dm: yeah, i can see how that translates to 5 degrees of failure. i'll buy it.

dag: i'm blaming the psyker.
dm: you don't know it was him.
jace: i'm blaming the psyker too!
dm: aren't you guys listening?!
ross: we just need a scapegoat, honestly.

dm: the "armor of contempt" is not a consecrated baseball bat!
ross: it should be!

captain: you destroyed the enemy captain's cruiser! do you know the profits we could have made selling it?!
ray: i just know someone's gonna blame me for that...
dm: you did give the firing solutions...
ray: so?! you're the one who rolled the crit result! your pay should be docked!
dm: ... o_0
team: ... o_0
ray: ... ahem, right, docked pay, my bad.

me: the executions will continue until morale improves!
dm: i forbid you from playing a commissar.
me: even when the padré acts like an idiot?
dm: *inner conflict intensifies*

dm: lux is thrown through the room and hits ross in the face.
ross: that's no moon!
necron: be glad that only two of the team have a metal butt *looks at jace*... for the moment.

incoming astropathic comm: this is companion barbaros of the golden armada. scuttle your ship and prepare to be boarded.
ross: *blanches* guys, do as he says!
ray: hope my uniform was dry-cleaned in the warp!
jace: i'm torn between having a faith-boner and having fear-induced diarrhea. i'll do both!
dag: he can have anything! my room, my shirt, my black market connections, my relics, my wife...!
necron: ahem, listening only to my courage, i'm gonna go hide on the hull of the ship.

[Tiadoppler]

Spoiler: Reply

Show

My 13-year-old daughter demands more of this!

Ask, and you shall receive.

Paladin: Why would dwarves make these doors so hard to open once the power goes out? (botches a knowledge check)
DM: They wouldn't care. Like many small, magical, subterranean rodents, Dwarves have a burrow speed faster than their walking speed, use their long whiskers for tremorsense and navigation, and can pierce solid stone with their rotary, diamond-tipped skulls.
Fighter: Oh, right. None of us have ever met a dwarf.


DM: (Warlock), you hear the sounds of battle from the bottom of the tunnel.
Warlock: I'll roll Athletics to run really fast down the stairs.
DM: Lucky for you, it's just a ramp. No stairs.
Warlock: Well, once the ramp kills me, I'm assuming it'll have the experience to level up to level 1 stairs. (abysmal failure)
DM: (Wizard), you hear "bonk-ow-bonk-ow-Bonk-Ow-Bonk-Ow-BONK-OW" and then something slams into your back hooves.
Wizard: I kick it reflexively.
Warlock: Shouldn't have gotten out of bed.


Paladin: I'll headbutt the door with my horns! (natural 20)
DM: The door cracks in half, stays standing for a second, then crumbles into dust.
Warlock: Are you part dwarf?
Paladin: Nah. This is my goatish ancestry.


DM: (Wizard) and (Monk) are hiding under the branches of a fallen pine tree. The tree is starting to catch fire as a tall figure throws fireball after fireball into it.
Paladin: I yell "Leave my friends alone!" and charge.
DM: The figure turns and you can see that it's a Tiefling woman wearing ragged clothes. Her hair is mostly black, but has a few streaks of pure white. She-
Paladin: Wooo! Tiefling hugs! I run over and hug her.
DM: (Wizard), you see (Paladin) run over and wrap your attacker in a big hug. The attacker looks very confused.
Wizard: Great. Now there are two crazy Tiefling women who hate me.
Paladin: Do not question my culture.


Warlock: I see dead people.
Fighter: We all see dead people. Can you start with the "I shoot dead people" now?


DM: You know how housecats will bring dead things back to their owner, to try to teach them how to hunt?
Warlock: Yeah.
DM: Okay. The tiger is dragging the struggling zombie back towards your bedroll, to leave it on your pillow.
Warlock: Hey. No! Stop! Drop it. Drop it!
Paladin: Awwwwww. That's so sweet! He's sharing.


Fighter: I need help by the staircase. I'm down to (1/4 HP).
Monk: One second! (at full health, finishes off a ghost and runs over next to the Fighter)
(next round)
Monk: Okay, I'm unconscious now.
Fighter: I need help by the staircase. I'm down to (1/2 HP).
Wizard: No. You really don't. (carries the Monk away from the staircase)

[Reltzik]

DM: Your Astral Summon is a large creature which can burrow 40 ft per round?
Gish Psion: Once I hit it with the polymorph effect, yes.
DM: And it's dragging the wardrobe with the unconscious magus with the anti-magic effect on her?
Psion: It's got a strength of 39 and it's 15 feet tall. It can manage.
DM: And the wizard's in the wardrobe with the antimagic field?
Wizard: No, I'm in a bag of holding being carried by the construct.
Paladin: I gave the summon all my bags of holding. That should give them a lot of air.
Wizard: Not really. I need oxygen, not an infinite supply of yogurt.
Paladin: That's only the one bag of holding, the rest should be fine.
Psion: So the construct burrows down and...
Wizard: Wait. Did anyone notice that this is turning into one of THOSE plans?

[Lord Torath]

incoming astropathic comm: this is companion barbaros of the golden armada. scuttle your ship and prepare to be boarded.

Wait. The Golden Armada wants them to self-destruct their ship, and then prepare to be boarded?

scuttle: noun
sink (one's own ship) deliberately by holing it or opening its seacocks to let water in.
deliberately cause (a scheme) to fail.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Wait. The Golden Armada wants them to self-destruct their ship, and then prepare to be boarded?

I had the same reaction. WH40k is grimdarker than I thought!

[Guizonde]

Wait. The Golden Armada wants them to self-destruct their ship, and then prepare to be boarded?

apologies, not self-destruct, but render fully incapable of moving or firing. the dm's exact words were "en panne", which translates to "out of order". i thought "scuttling" would be close enough, since i've heard "scuttle" used to mean taking out firing pins in weapons or dissassembling rudders on ships. basically, "surrender yourselves completely over to us". we're one grand cruiser. they're... bazillionty ships with big E's companions on board. i don't know why they even bothered to say it. protocol maybe?

that said, we're in the halo stars, which is just enough in the imperial fold to not count as a "kill yourself and drop your pants" order from the armada. just "drop your pants, here we come!"

speaking of fatal-style actions, i'm pretty sure seneschal dagonet (dag' for short) did indeed surrender his underwear and his butt preemptively. seems i forgot to mention it, but it's a fair mistake. dag' was jabbering for 30 seconds straight.

did i mention we've got a rogue psyker dating back to the grand crusade (in stasis for 10k years) in our hold? or a necron lord who's kind of on the fence about this whole "imperium of man" thing? or a priest who's kind of a heretic? even by rogue trader standards, we're pinging pretty hard on the "these guys have no idea the danger they represent to the imperium" list.

[DigoDragon]

D&D 5e--new classical gaming feel, same old murderhobo crew.

Spoiler: The crew...

Show

Kiev: Dragonborn Paladin. Can't keep his scrupulous morals in his pants, among other things.
Connor: Half-Elf Bard. Mercenary enough to make Kord proud if it weren't for the fact all his songs are limericks.
Donah: Wood Elf Ranger. Archery in melee is perfectly acceptable because the enemy won't expect that from her!
Ander: Human Warlock. Things without stats are unnatural because he can't loot things he can't shoot down.
Zaria: Human Cleric of Ehlonna. Constantly mistaken for a druid because she sleeps in leaves and has deep conversations with cows.

South Sea Company Manager: "We want proof if the crew died."
Kiev: "Does a fat cannibal count?"

DM: "The town of Birdcage is having problems with kobolds."
Kiev: "I'd love it if Nathan Lane was mayor of that place."
Connor: "Fabulous!"

Goblin: "Hey, where's my dinner?"
Kiev: "Our cleric let it go cause I think she's from PETA."
Zaria: "The fire was an accident!"

DM: "Initiatives please."
Kiev: "I got mayonnaise."
Zaria: "Mustard."
Donah: "Ketchup!"

Ander: "Am I allowed to be 5' 1"?"

Kiev: "What are you complaining about? It's only murder."

DM: "You find cloven-hoof prints, like that of a goat, cow--"
Kiev: "Or Orcus."

Connor: "Great, we got a loose werecow problem."

Farmer: "It had the head of a goat and the body of an insurance salesman."

Ander: "It's raining lead! Alleluia! It's raining lead! Every caliber!"

Ander: (knocking on the door) "We're from the government, we're here to help!"

Kiev: "Do you worship Tiamat?"
Viru: "Of course I do!"
Kiev: "Okay, this could be a deal breaker."
Ander: "But she's a princess. She's got money."
Kiev: "How much money?"
Ander: "Well... more than you can imagine."
Kiev: "I can imagine a lot."

Donah: "Who is to say [Viru] won't stab us in the back?"
Zaria: "I'm sure Viru would say that, while she's stabbing us in our sleep."
Viru: "In the face though, cause I'm Lawful like that."

Ander: "Minors? I'm a young adventurer too."
DM: "Miners, you fool, not minors."
Ander: "Ah, that would be a major difference."

Kiev: "What's the strongest drink we have in the cellar?"
DM: "There's a bottle of Dwarven scotch."
Kiev: "Does it have attitude?"
DM: "The label is a dwarf with a monocle and a middle finger."

DM: "Viru drinks a shot and... passes out."
Connor: "Is there a little girl's dress around?"
Kiev: "Is there a dungeon in this house?"
Donah: "Is the mayor Christian Gray?"
DM: "The answers are no, no, and hell no you sick puppy!"

[Guizonde]

Kiev: "What are you complaining about? It's only murder."

the gall of some people, amirite?

Ander: "Minors? I'm a young adventurer too."
DM: "Miners, you fool, not minors."
Ander: "Ah, that would be a major difference."

subtle. i like it!

Kiev: "What's the strongest drink we have in the cellar?"
DM: "There's a bottle of Dwarven scotch."
Kiev: "Does it have attitude?"
DM: "The label is a dwarf with a monocle and a middle finger."

my cayllean crew would drink that. mind if i borrow that idea? we've got in good with brewers and distillers in a plot to overthrow an atheistic god. turns out "in vino veritas" counts as a religious sermon.

[DigoDragon]

the gall of some people, amirite?

I know! It's okay when adventurers crush in people's heads, but if an NPC monster does it oh everyone is up in arms about it.

my cayllean crew would drink that. mind if i borrow that idea? we've got in good with brewers and distillers in a plot to overthrow an atheistic god. turns out "in vino veritas" counts as a religious sermon.

Feel free to steal any ideas you like from my campaigns. I consider that a compliment as a DM.

[Lord Torath]

apologies, not self-destruct, but render fully incapable of moving or firing. the dm's exact words were "en panne", which translates to "out of order".

Ah. Okay. Minor translation disconnect. In the Homeworld RTS game, the "Scuttle" command destroys your ship.

[Tiadoppler]

Spoiler: Heretical context

Show

Another session just ended, with a few good quotes. Also included: how the Warlock got his staircase phobia.

Warlock: I'm going to use Interrogation.
DM: On the metal object?
Warlock: Yeah... I mean Investigation.


DM: (Warlock), you're able to swim down the ceiling of the spinning spiral staircase, emerging into the main hall and falling onto the floor. You smell plaid, and your eyes taste cinnamon. You've taken (lots of) damage, and your movement speed is 5'. As you lie prone on the floor, you can see that a portal to a spinning vortex is opening directly below you, in the rafters of the cathedral.
Warlock: I smile and feel happy, because I'm not on the staircase any more.
Paladin: Where were you, (Warlock)?
DM: A large figure falls up out of the portal, landing on top of (Warlock). The breath is knocked out of you, again, as a horse sits on you.
Warlock: Owwwwwwww...
Wizard: Owwww.
Fighter: Whoa! A talking horse.
Wizard: Hay! Who are you calling a horse?
Paladin: Who are you?
Wizard: Who are you, and where am I?
Warlock: Can you get off of me?
Wizard: Who said that?
Warlock: (Warlock). You're sitting on me.
Wizard: That's a silly name. I shall call you "Cushion".
Fighter: Well, can you get off of him?
Wizard: No.

Spoiler: What's actually happening here:

Show

This is what it feels like for a D&D character when the universe switches from one edition to another mid-battle... There's some synesthesia involved.

DM: You hear voices from the tunnel ahead of you. They say "save us... help us... join us... save us... free us..."
Wizard: Nope. Nope-Nope.


Warlock: I'm going to Wisdom.
DM: What are you trying to do?
Warlock: I'm going to Wisdom the room. I mean everything.


DM: Entering the cavern, you can see that there are mounds of bones fifteen feet tall around the perimeter, but the center of the chamber has been swept clear. A tall, well-dressed man in a long dark cape sits at a small table covered with a pristine white table cloth. There's a single lit candle in the center of the table, two place settings, and a number of serving dishes, bottles and a single golden pitcher.
Paladin: I'll go sit at the table.
DM: As you draw near, the man stands up and walks over to you, holding out his hand.
Paladin: I say "Hello" and shake his hand.
DM: He kisses your hand and bows courteously. "Welcome to my home. It is so rare that I get... guests... these days." As he holds your hand to his lips, he smiles broadly, revealing a pair of long sharp teeth.
*several minutes of polite conversation, regarding the lovely decor (stalactites and dwarven bones)*
Paladin: Wait! Is he a werewolf? I mean a wolfman? Or a werebear?
DM: No...
Paladin: Maybe, like, a were-sabre-tooth-tiger?
DM: No. I mean, you would be able to recognize what he is.
Paladin: Oh, okay. What is he?
DM: ...
Rest of the party: ...
Paladin: ...
DM: Seriously? Fine. He's a vampire.
Paladin: Ohhhhhhhhh... Ohh! Okay, got it now.

[LordCdrMilitant]

Ah. Okay. Minor translation disconnect. In the Homeworld RTS game, the "Scuttle" command destroys your ship.

Scuttle generally does mean to purposely destroy one's ship.

"Stand down an prepared to be boarded!" would probably be clearer.

Also:

"Vengeance is being crowd-sourced."

[Guizonde]

Scuttle generally does mean to purposely destroy one's ship.

"Stand down an prepared to be boarded!" would probably be clearer.

Also:

"Vengeance is being crowd-sourced."

point taken, and thank you very much for the translation. that's a hell of a better translation for what my dm actually said, minus the non-verbal pants-dropping that is involved.

and for your quote? most polite euphemism for an angry mob ever. might steal it and use it ingame if i find a translation that rolls off the tongue.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Warlock: I'm going to use Interrogation.
DM: On the metal object?
Warlock: Yeah... I mean Investigation.

I did this too, as I'm still trying to remember all the 5e skills. XD

Wizard: Wait. Did anyone notice that this is turning into one of THOSE plans?

Too late to turn back now.

Warlock: I see dead people.
Fighter: We all see dead people. Can you start with the "I shoot dead people" now?

Asking the real questions here.

jace: i want a bolt pistol, ray told me it was how to say the last rites in this universe.
dm: ray!! that's the emperor's peace!
dag and ray: *snickering*

Hee hee XD

Crona: I eat the bacon.

Crona: I eat the bacon.

Crona: I eat the bacon.

Someone loves their bacon. O.o

GM: General Patton unleashes a hail of bullets on the nazis with dual-wielded tommy guns.

The general must of been working out to do that. O.o`

Brazen: “Can anypony say... Tactical Insertion?”
Rose: “Bah, you stallions. Always trying to insert yourselves into every situation that pleases you.”
Sniper: “Only if you're Brazen enough. Sniper isn't.”
Love: “We 'shot' first too.”
Rose: “I haven’t drawn a gun yet! All I did was cast a shield spell.”
Love: “Spells count as hostile actions.”
Rose: “If that's a hostile action, then my next move will be a war crime.”

Rose: “I will defend myself if you two plan on trying to stab me. I rather you not.”
Wastelander: “You could surrender, and then we won't have to.”
Brazen: “Yeeeehaaaaaw!” (bursts through the tavern roof, guns pointed at hostile wastelanders)
Rose: “I'd like to counteroffer your suggestion of surrender with my own.”

Sniper: “Brazen's not enough of a screw-up for this squadron... Or maybe he's too good at screwing up. I can't quite tell.”
Brazen: “...Define screwing.”

GM: “Presenting young Hyper Thought.”
Sniper: “Such a cute little mad scientist in training. When do we exorcize his inner demons? I have an opening for 2:00 PM Monday.”
Rose: “I can make an opening.”
Sniper: “An opening in her schedule or an opening in Hyper Thought?”
GM: “Asking the real questions here.”
Brazen: “I mean, we technically did that with Magpie.”
Sniper: “And, somehow, I get the feeling that Magpie would be the first to tell you that more holes aren't a good thing.”

Love: “My hack has failed! We're doomed! Starting self-destruct! Captain, I'm giving it all I've got! Abandon ship! We're taking on water!”
Rose: “Uh... so you wanna come here for that coffee or...?”

Rose: “Anyone who doesn't know how to use a parachute, please come see me. I'll give a crash course.”

GM: “Sniper Scope for civvie mall-cop.”
Sniper: “Shoplifting offenses drop by 50% in his first week as justifiable homicides rise by 75%.”

Sniper: “Love is related to Discord. Do we need any more reason than that?”
Rose: “Do we want any more reason than that?”

Love: “Nooo! We should have branched off after the Rip bit!”
Sniper: “That's what you get for making out in the closet.”

[LordCdrMilitant]

point taken, and thank you very much for the translation. that's a hell of a better translation for what my dm actually said, minus the non-verbal pants-dropping that is involved.

and for your quote? most polite euphemism for an angry mob ever. might steal it and use it ingame if i find a translation that rolls off the tongue.

Thanks/you're welcome. I have to wonder why the Custodians want to board a Rogue Trader vessel, though. It sounds like the story alone that brought them into a confrontation with the Custodians would be worth a tale.

Deathwatch
Me [GM]: These drones suck. The shield drones have literally stopped 4 out of well over 30 or 40 hits. All the suits are now coming with markerlight drones, because the shield drones do nothing.
10 minutes later
Me [GM]: I give up on the drones. The battlesuits are now bringing gun drones, because Twin Pulse Carbines is bound to hit something eventually with a +50 to hit.

Me: My dice are solidly loyal to the Emperor, and I appreciate this fact. The Tau can't get a roll under 80 today, but you will not believe the number of sub-30 tests to manifest I rolled yesterday with the same die.


Akel: I dive under the Hammerhead.
Me [GM]: You can't, you're pinned, you have to move to cover.
Akel: That's what I'm doing. The only place I can reach this turn where the tank can't shoot me is underneath the tank. *Laughs maniacally*
Me [GM]: *sigh* Alright, you're underneath the Hammerhead.

Me [GM]: Anyone got suggestions for what the Tau should send next?
Akel, [OOC]: Another Knarloc!
Me [GM]: While that was a facetious question, why not! A Great Knarloc, 2 Kroot Shapers, 2 Broadsides with Rail Rifles, and 4 Gun Drones move around this road corner. The Knarloc is on point.
Other Players, Together [OOC]: Why, *Akel's Player*, why!

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “So long as Love doesn't use this to veer into awkward subjects, sure.”
Rose: “Pffthahaha... oh, how I love a good joke to start my day. Thanks for that.”

Love: “We're not total failures! Yay!”

GM: “Stupid, sexy Autumn Gale?”

Love: “The caps are pretty high, and they hit Rose the hardest with her pistol.”
Rose: “This is Rose's life; getting screwed only by things that don't have her best interest in mind.”

Sniper: “You're not taking ‘We've got bubbles, right here in Glimmer City’ away from us. Don't even try.”

Love: “I don't think Love has every killed anyone with snu-snu! Not through a lack of trying, it's just really hard!”
GM: “Heh. ‘Hard’.”

Rose: “If they bribed her with cookies, we got Happy Hooves to drop the nuclear option on their flank like hot cross buns. Haha!”
Sniper: “Why would you... put hot cross buns on flank?”
Rose: “Why wouldn’t you?”
Sniper: “I don't think that's what they mean by sticky buns.”

GM: “You're currently using Star's computer for your hack. She doesn't have anything to work with.”
Love: “Oh... That's not good.”
Rose: “You gonna eat that opposing hacker or what?”

Sniper: “On the flipside, that is one very dead pony.”
Rose: “He's now exercising at the He's Dead Gym.”

Rose: “I remember the overly complicated hoops Trixie had to jump through to sign up for a Visa to enter the US. They don't list ‘Unicorn’ on the ethnic race section.”

Sniper: “Well... at least they weren't playing horseshoes?”
Rose: “See, wouldn't playing horseshoes be like humans throwing sandals at a post?”
Sniper: “Horseshoes feels like the sort of game that would get ported over unaltered because it works as its own equivalent/joke. Like Starbucks... which is a really unfortunate name in-universe.”
Rose: “I can see marketing spinning it as coffee with a kick.”
Sniper: “Or the-- Nah. Not goin' there.”

[Astofel]

DM: I'm officially declaring that the verbal component of Compelled Duel is just yelling "FITE ME" in Celestial.

DM: Your name is a pretty simple thing to give up, especially under torture.
Paladin: So they're torturing people just to get the paperwork right?
Mystic: To be fair that IS basically the definition of lawful evil.

DM: It seems that your activities during the night went unnoticed, thanks to the horse plan.
Mystic: You mean the horseplay?
Entire Table: *groaning*

[Spookykid]

1: You know that murder hobo what to do chart?

2: Yea

1: Thats totally you

2: No, that requires to much thinking

[Guizonde]

rogue trader:

dag: i've got this weird xenotech tube...
necron: gimmegimmegimme!
ross: quit giving the necron boners!

ray: ok, i've got a bayonet lug! luuuuuuuux?
lux: *sigh* you owe me for that.
ray: do you accept booze and bullet-catching?

admiral: you manage to make those rogue traders stop their private war, and i'll give you the best of the best!
ray: hold my beer.
dm: uh, that's not how you talk to an admiral.
dag: it's at least a breach of decorum.
ray: *sigh* hold my beer, sir.

dm: you might want to put out your beret. the admiral's scathing makes fabrics catch on fire.
ray: can i do it professionally?

captain: great, i'll test my new addition to the ship. assault drop pods!
ray and necron: WE ARE THE BULLET!!

dm: no recursive buckshot loops!
team: aww...

dm: necron, quit trying to tape ray to your heavy bolter!
necron: but now he's got a bayonet and i don't!

lux: can i weld power swords to the drop pods?

ray: no fair! i hit like an exterminatus, and i get called out! the captain does it, and he gets cheered! there ain't no justice in life!
dm: welcome to 40k!

dm: the admiral is now your best friend.
ray: are brofists a breach of protocol, too?

captain: so, did you get us the squad of stormtroopers?
ray: uh, yeah, and a bit more. i got us a full battalion of 200. do we have enough funds for a new barracks?
captain: if my poker face wasn't so good i'd be dancing a jig.

dag: our soldier is so soldiery that even the terran pdf thinks he's more of a soldier than them.
ray: *soldiering intensifies*

dm: no pistol-whipping with macrobatteries!
ross: spoilsport.



pathfinder: cayden caillean's finest brew crew stew?!

josé: *pulls out bolt pistol* crap, wrong universe.
korinn: shame. that'd be useful.
dm: y u do dis.

kami: dude, 140 people dead for 3 gp! that's a bargain!
free: guess i'm a good businessman!
grim: he's been taking lessons from josé, hasn't he?

dm: free buys a good meal for all of you for 3gp.
kami: that's the price of the tavern massacre.
josé: mmmmmh.... tastes like bloodshed.

dm: suddenly, a large basket of over-ripe tomatos appears on the table.
grim: i'm blaming josé out of habit.
josé: *sneak attacks kami with a tomato*
korinn: *pops invisibility and throws a tomato at free*
free: foodfight!
josé: korinn? plan a?
korinn: *josé's backpack* shut up and run away faster!

grim: i really wish we'd know a guy who knows a guy to help us out.
josé: your alignment would take a hit.
kami: as if yours didn't.
josé: i speak from experience.

kami: you little brother and sister are horrible!
free: i wasn't around for them to grow up.

free: anyone know how to be a good father?
korinn: we're all orphans. ask josé.
josé: *popping through a window* you rang?
free: how did your dad teach you how to human?
josé: uh, military school and a laissez-faire approach to retribution.
korinn: that's exactly what's wrong with you! what about free's siblings?!
josé: oh, burn them at the stake. easy.
grim: josé!!

dm: free's little sister insults your hairdo.
kami: thatsonofabitchi'mgonnakickherass!
team: *explodes in laughter*

josé: you have a long lost older sister.
free: really?! awesome!
korinn: taking bets for how horrible she is, right now.

dm: novikov helps you blast through 3 days of work in 6 hours.
novikov: I F***ING LOVE COCAINE!!
josé: dude! my stash! i told you it wasn't good for his health!
korinn: *sigh* ok, maybe i can start trusting your judgement again...

dm: there's a portal to hell under the bed where free's parents slept.
free: i throw a tomato in it!
korinn: you dolt! josé! get to da otha portal!
josé: pff... i'm already out the window and across the street.
dm: i really wish he'd use doors or ground floors sometimes...
grim: and he doesn't have flight, which is all the more frightening.

dm: how do you charge in?
josé: POOOOOOTAAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOO!

dm: the animated armor tries to hit kami.
kami: pff... i've paid courtesans to hit me harder than that!

grim: ok, next swing i'm leaving a dent on the other side of his face!

josé: hold my sword, please.
armor: *complies*
josé: *kills it with a potato* grabs rapier, flourish* nobody expects the potato inquisition.
korinn: with good reason!

dm: under a massive portal in the courtyard you guys see a tomato.
korinn: jos-... FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!

dm: there's a lady that looks like free, minus the beard and with an opulent chest.
kami: so, like eva?

free: she's a succubus?!
korinn: called it!

dm: felicity sends josé flying across the courtyard. roll acrobatics not to squish korinn.
josé: *46* pff, i'm used to that.
korinn: *pukes* were the loop de loops really necessary?!

grim: a succubus versus a paladin, a monk, a cleric, and oracle, and a josé. she's screwed!
josé: more screwed than a choirboy during a conclave.
grim: *blanches* ouch, my alignment!
dm: what's with this session and trash-talk?!

dm: felicity dominates kami.
kami: she has boobs i must obey!

kami: oooooh, fifty shades of...
grim: fifty shades of murdercide.
josé: fifty shades of "die in a fire" if you finish that sentence.

korinn: fifty shades of xp!
free: ... but that's my sister!
eva: not for long.

dm: she really wants to kill josé, now.
josé: [redacted] better take a number! do you know how far down the list she is?! even grim is higher up than her!
kami: "but for me, it was tuesday".

dm: josé's crit fail hits grim in the back...
grim: ouch! josé! no murdering me while i'm palading!
josé: i didn't expect "monster killer" to work on grim. he's not big or ugly enough.
korinn: and that's saying something!

grim: friendly fire is an oxymoron... although having "josé" and "friend" in the same sentence is too...
josé: ouch, my relationships.

grim: i hit free's little sister with her big sister's corpse!
team: \m/ metaaaaaaaal!! \m/

korinn: i hit free in the kiwis for his stunt with the tomato!
kami: josé's potatoes, free's tomatoes, korinn's kiwis, grim's the beef, i'm the sausage... we're gonna have one hell of a stew by the end of this campaign!

dm: so, josé acts like the proper inquisitor he is... did i really say that?

josé: i want free sieben cleared of all charges, and i surrender to the authorities the sieben twins on charges of: murder, conspiracy to murder, complicity of murder, arson, assault, battery, assault using a battery, more arson, pactising with demons, graffiti, defacing public property, jaywalking, being teenagers, conspiracy to corrupt elected officials, corrupting elected officials, starting a bar fight, mass murder during a bar fight, destruction of public property, gross indecency using over-ripe tomatoes, drinking while underage, drug smuggling, tax evasion...
dm: *takes notes*
josé: and the crimes of a guy who knows a guy, too. and our own. maybe add a few trumped up charges just in case it's not enough.
dm: the guard asks you what punishment you recommend.
josé: burn the witch.
korinn: wrong univ-... nevermind, he's totally allowed that.

grim: funny how josé's becoming a better inquisitor now that he's a heretic.
kami: it takes a heretic to know a heretic?
josé: i am one with my hypocrisy.

josé: i love the smell of witch-burnings in the morning. it smells like bacon.
korinn: and victory.
kami: and fun.
grim: and justice.
free: and my siblings.
dm: you guys are sick.

[DigoDragon]

Rose: “Wait, what are they doing?”
Love: “Somehow, we're talking about Scope & Pinkie Pie having a conversation about erotic asphyxiation. It was a group effort!”

Love: “I assume we can hear Rose?”
Rose: “Just listen for the ‘Yahahoooweeeee...’ *splat*”

Love: “How is your life support holding up? You have a fish stuck in the wires?”

Kittyhawk: “We missed the party, didn’t we?”
Rose: “Yeah, but it's one of those parties everyone gets drunk and dares each other to eat Tide pods.”

Sniper: “Rose gave Sniper no doctor's orders. Oh, joy.”
Rose: “Sniper's a big boy. He knows what the orders would be and how he should act appropriately and has all the agency he needs to completely ignore those orders anyway.”

Random Noble: “So how did you two meet?”
Cadance: “He crippled my granddaughter.”

Rose: “Oh no! Sniper got split into two equal and opposing selves; Evil Sniper and Apathetic Sniper!”

Sniper: “Celestia banish it. Is there any pony not infatuated with Rose?”
Rose: “I'm... not sure if I should laugh or cry at this revelation?”
Love: “Stop seducing everypony! Love. Star (I'm counting it!). Red Tape. Scope. I better not read anything about Brazen having unconfessed feelings!”
Sniper: “Everyone wants Rose. Every. One.”
Rose: “Does my swag have an off button?”
Sniper: “I'm pretty sure there's an unsubscribe button somewhere. Although that requires every pony else to click it.”
Rose: “Clicking buttons on Rose sounds exactly like what everyone wants.”
Love: “You are making this very difficult for Love to click the right button. She'd like off this crazy train.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

Call of Cthulhu one-shot.

Evangeline: Stop your wimporing!
George: ...Wimporing?
Arthur: Have you never been to a Wimporium? They're all the rage these days.

GM: Do not anger the GM, for you are crunchy and taste good wrapped in tentacles.
George: There's a Devart page for that.

Jack: That's a noise if I ever heard one.

GM: The dagger goes... for lack of a better term, limp in your hand.
Entire party: ...
Entire party: *laughter*
Arthur: I love how no one really needed to make a joke there.

[Gideon Falcon]

Rogue: So how do I signal everyone that I'm in?
Peanut Gallery (me, listening in): Hoot once like a Barn Owl, twice like a screech owl.
Player a (OOC): I can't Hoot like any kind of owl!
Player b (OOC): What, you didn't take Actor?
Rogue: Actually, I do have actor.
Everyone: ...
Player b (OOC): So you can Hoot like a Barn Owl!

[DigoDragon]

Kiev: "If Viru misbehaves, I'll turn her into a hand puppet."
Donah: "She can here you. She's right here."
Kiev: "Even better."
Viru: "Eep."

Connor: "Since wen do cannibal halflings take precedent over Tiamat-worshipping kobolds?"
Kiev: "They might invite themselves over for dinner."
Connor: "They're cannibals. They'd order us as take out."

Connor: "What can I get for this quality elven wine?"
Kiev: "Four brunettes."
Connor: "I'll make some Con checks."
Donah: "Worded like a true bard."

Ander: "Why did the snowman row out to the middle of the lake?"
Connor: "Because snowman is an island."

Kiev: "Our kobold princess has been promoted to house elf."
Donah: "Don't give her any socks."

Ander: "The horse knows the way, but I would say neigh."

DM: "Okay, so you are all tracking down... erm, Bad Horse."
Ander & Donah: "Bad Horse! Bad Horse! He rides across the nation, a thoroughbred of sin..."
Connor: "Well, an unusual horse. We don't know if he's bad."
Kiev: "He was drinking and riding under the influence."

Alchemist: "My house was broken into and instead of being robbed, I was spammed?!"

Kiev: "It's a faerie Julia Child!"
Ander: "As they say, sherry and sherry like."

Ander: (reading journal) "We were surrounded at the abandoned castle... Aaahhhhhhh."
Kiev: "Tell me he was taking dictation."

DM: "You find the broker's mail under his bed."
Ander: "How strange... courier and courier..."

Bear: *lumbers at Zaria and takes a swing*
Kiev: "Zaria, you're a druid, try to find out what it's motivation is!"
Zaria: "I'm a cleric, I don't have a Nature skill to find a motivation!"

Bear: *bites Kiev*
Kiev: *Uses Second Wind and heals the damage*
Bear: *bites Kiev*
Connor: *Uses Healing Word and heals the damage*
Bear: "You are just the chewiest Paladin ever!" >:O

[startrashh]

I have just one small offering.

Valarr, our party's resident drow: "Call me Daddy one more time and I'm going back to the Underdark."