Your favourite variation on "Rocks fall, everyone dies"

FMArthur · 08-10-2008, 03:43 PM

Okay, "everyone dies" is a bit rare. Usually it's just a single player who's screwing up the DM's plans, delaying the game unnecessarily, or attacking the random NPCs for the sheer joy of it. From a players' perspective, sometimes it's just plain funny to see inexplicable DM magic happen. Hell, I've even been the victim of a few, and found it very amusing.

I'll share one: I was playing a game alongside one of the silliest characters ever. Basically, his oath as a Kensai was to defeat the strongest creatures he could find in battle. So when he heard about this supreme god-dragon that created the world we were in, he starts wasting everyone's time going from cleric to cleric in the big city to find out how to contact the god. Now, this is a character concept so poorly thought out that he was inevitably going to meet an early fatal end, and everyone knew it, so it wasn't a surprise that the DM eventually decided to indulge him. So he finds this entire clergy of clerics willing to help him, where they had to do months of preparation, and it costs him all of his money and the promise of his immortal soul. The ritual is made to be able to communicate a short message and force the attention of the god onto himself, and that's all.

"I, [character name] of Keldesar, challenge you to a duel."

And nothing happens. They wait for a while in the church for the dragon god's reaction, and there is no response. We all think that it's the DM being mean for wasting everyone's time with this charade by making it actually being a total waste. But no; when he walks outside, the landscape bends upwards in the distance, and twists slowly around to reveal the face of a dragon, whose back the world must've been resting on. A deafening roar (knocks every peasant unconscious) is heard, followed by a flash of light as the player's character explodes with enough force to deal near-death damage to the PCs standing 100 feet away and collapse the big church, killing the clergy.

"Damn. So does my soul go free, since the people I promised it to are dead?"
"No. You don't get an afterlife. You retroactively did not exist. None of the others even know what just happened."

It was this DM's crazy mind that brought me into D&D in the first place.

SadisticFishing · 08-10-2008, 03:50 PM

That's not "rocks fall, you all die!" that's..

"Okay, I start an avalanche."
"... what?"
"I start making loud noises and causing earthquakes."
"Okay.. um, rocks fall. You die."

I've never had any of those moments, really, because we're not that bad lol.

Saph · 08-10-2008, 03:58 PM

Players: "Let's go hunt a sandworm!"
DM: " . . . What?"
Players: "We're hunting a sandworm!"
DM: "Um, okay, you find one."

I've told this one before, but I've yet to see it beaten as the stupidest player death I've ever seen. Here's the story.

- Saph

Deth Muncher · 08-10-2008, 04:12 PM

Well, although the campaign basically degenerated into blah and the DM hated it, the explanation for our campaign ending was "The Ring of Random Action explodes, the universe ceases to exist."

Said ring was a Cursed Item (which I never picked up on) that worked akin to the Rod of Wonder. I abused it, a lot. Such fun things happened like:
-Extending the length of a sandstorm by 20 rounds
-Giving everyone herpes (although that was when someone else played my guy)
-Causing a dry riverbed to explode in flames

And oh so many more hilarious antics that made the party want to kill me IRL.

OOTS_Rules 2 · 08-10-2008, 04:26 PM

Nothing will beat the legend of the Gazebo.

Moff Chumley · 08-10-2008, 04:37 PM

DM: "You are seduced and murdered by the evil overlord's daughter."
Players: "Can you... give us pictures of the evil overlord's daughter?"
...
Players: "Can my next character be seduced by a different overlord's daughter?"

The Glyphstone · 08-10-2008, 05:02 PM

I chuck meteors at my players when they misbehave. Completely with whistling noises and slowly growing shadows...it's gotten to the point where they freak out if I narrate whistling of any kind, even if it turns out to be a gnome walking past whistling his favorite song.

Doomsy · 08-10-2008, 05:21 PM

There was the time the pilot of our starship in d20 reinvented the kamikaze as a group activity. Without asking the crew. It killed the BBEG, ourselves, and annihilated the plot in about five minutes of frantic rolling.

I think that counts nicely as a player-initiated rocks-fall moment. Or in our case - a cruiser going at about seventy percent of lightspeed.

ArmorArmadillo · 08-10-2008, 05:43 PM

Black hole localized on the party cleric.

Lord Lorac Silvanos · 08-10-2008, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saph

Players: "Let's go hunt a sandworm!"
DM: " . . . What?"
Players: "We're hunting a sandworm!"
DM: "Um, okay, you find one."

I've told this one before, but I've yet to see it beaten as the stupidest player death I've ever seen. Here's the story.

- Saph

It is a very memorable story!

Also, allow me to provide the story of Eric and the Gazebo for those that have not heard it.

Spoiler

Mr Pants · 08-10-2008, 06:09 PM

In my first game with a new DM I may had made the mistake of asking for an airship, a usual antic of my characters of the small size persuasion. Anyway I had forgotten that this is a no-nonsense super-serious DM so he had a cow fall from the sky onto my character. After he took it back and threatened me I ate a lot of steak and got several dirty looks from cows.

vicente408 · 08-10-2008, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lord_Silvanos

It is a very memorable story!

Also, allow me to provide the story of Eric and the Gazebo for those that have not heard it.

Spoiler

Ha! Wow. That's great. Now, to check the homebrew forum for a statblock for a sentient gazebo...

chiasaur11 · 08-10-2008, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Pants

In my first game with a new DM I may had made the mistake of asking for an airship, a usual antic of my characters of the small size persuasion. Anyway I had forgotten that this is a no-nonsense super-serious DM so he had a cow fall from the sky onto my character. After he took it back and threatened me I ate a lot of steak and got several dirty looks from cows.

Your definition of "no nonsense" is "kills right out of Doug Tenaple"?

Man, your idea of crazy DMs must be a sight to see.

Mr Pants · 08-10-2008, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiasaur11

Your definition of "no nonsense" is "kills right out of Doug Tenaple"?

Man, your idea of crazy DMs must be a sight to see.

He was just trying to intimidate me. My idea of a crazy DM is one that actually let me have an airship that I dropped boulders off of to do dozens of d6s in damage. There was another one that let me buy hookers and reanimate them into mercurials. That wasn't dnd though.

Hal · 08-10-2008, 08:48 PM

I just flashed this at my players everytime they started getting unruly. It was moderately effective.

xPANCAKEx · 08-10-2008, 09:24 PM

whistling and road signs... what else do people use to signify imminent player-induced TPK?

Mr Pants · 08-10-2008, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx

whistling and road signs... what else do people use to signify imminent player-induced TPK?

A distant "moo" that comes closer every second.

Ascension · 08-10-2008, 09:47 PM

One of my DMs had a crazy epic or near-epic level Inevitable show our level 5 party the video footage of himself singlehandedly destroying all the sentient life (other than pixies, nymphs, dryads, etc.) on an entire plane.

Then, holding the macguffin we were after in his hands, he demanded to know why we had slaughtered all of his warforged guards without so much as trying to negotiate with them first.

One of our players then asked him if he was going to give us the macguffin.

I thought we were done for.

Since we had also killed a cult of necromancers who had been trespassing on the plane before he had become aware of their presence, we ended up getting off alive after agreeing never to return to the plane ever, ever, ever, ever again, unless it was with the news that we had completed some huge thirty or forty part quest for him. Still, closest any of my parties have ever come to being killed where they stood.

Incidentally, said Inevitable had been "reprogrammed" by a group of nutty druids who apparently thought the best way to save nature was to kill everyone. And he wasn't actually the BBEG or anything. We just ran into him in the middle of a "routine" sidequest.

tyckspoon · 08-10-2008, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Pants

A distant "moo" that comes closer every second.

Herd of exploding two-headed brahmin?

ColonelFuster · 08-10-2008, 09:53 PM

A moo, heard between midnight and dawn, is an omen of impending death.
Growing up in the weird country of the Key Peninsula teaches you some ODD stuff.

Best "rocks fall, everyone dies?"

"You see a flood of soldiers coming over the hill. After wondering why they do not thunder across the plain, you realize that not one of them is wearing armor."
Monks.
Why? Because my friend Wesley, a physics student, played a power-gaming monk once. Regardless of what any forums say, it was well known in this group that monks were not to be dealt with.
The reaction? We stopped joking around. There were to be no more hate crimes against Changelings Sharn. And later, no more hate crimes against Silver Flamers in thrane. And later, no more hate crimes against Shifters in random towns.

spamoo · 08-10-2008, 10:02 PM

Player: "I climb onto the (injured) dragon's back"
DM: "Ok... it flies off the ground while trying to shake you off."
*Amazing Grapple Checks*
Player: "I stab it."
*Amazing rolls again*
DM: "It dies... and you start falling... fast..."
Me: "Don't worry! I'll cast feather fall!"
*Casts feather fall*
DM: "You fall to the ground safely. The dragon's corpse falls on top of you. You die..."

Arbitrarity · 08-10-2008, 10:32 PM

That makes no sense at all. You'd fall slower than the dragon corpse, so you'd either land on it, or it would hit you on the way down, and be slowed to your speed, or it would hit you, and go faster than you.

Also...

"The thunderbird grabs you and flies up"
"I wrestle out of it's claws, and begin climbing up"
*High DC climb checks, and some attacks later*
"Ok, so it's dead. You're 800 feet up."
"Um.."
*notes summoned hippogriff*
"Will that hippogriff come try to rescue me?"
"Makes sense..."
"Ok, so I try to land on it!"
*Reflex saves, dexterity checks, and some aiming later*
"You land on the hippogriff, fall 200 feet, and it's duration expires. You fall 100feet onto the edge of a cliff, which I assume you try to grab onto?"
"Of course"
*Failed climb check*
"You fall off the cliff. A distance later, you hit the ground, taking 28 damage"
"Great. I'm still alive. I drink 30 healing potions."
"You get really, really drunk"

monty · 08-10-2008, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arbitrarity

That makes no sense at all. You'd fall slower than the dragon corpse, so you'd either land on it, or it would hit you on the way down, and be slowed to your speed, or it would hit you, and go faster than you.

Not necessarily. Its wings could still be open, which might increase its relative surface enough to make it fall more slowly than you.

Revanmal · 08-10-2008, 10:41 PM

"Earthen bodies of great size move rapidly in a downward direction, perpendicular to the ground. Spirits leave the mortal coils of all those in your adventuring party."

"Stop talking like that."

"F*ck you!"

Collin152 · 08-10-2008, 10:48 PM

"You've been Mindraped. You are, efectivly, no longer the same person. Give me your character sheet."

strayth · 08-10-2008, 10:54 PM

Back in 2nd edition, or rather toward the earlier 2nd edition, thieves could only get 99% on Find Traps. My thief, a human named Noram, was leading the party through a very large lair. The party consisted of Noram (20 thief), Sorek (16 Fighter/Mage), Dera (18 cleric), Kolack (19 dwarf fighter) and Miya (I think 17 half-elf druid). Our DM was very sick of Noram being so talented with the trap finding- I'd never once, not even in the lower levels, let down the party with the traps.

Then one fine day he clacked the dice behind the DM screen and said plainly as ever, "You didn't find anything." Okay, so we press on.

Well, not okay and we pressed down really. The entire ceiling, and six stories above this level, collapsed. It all caved in. Not only did we lose the treasure and target we were going for, but we all died. Even the dwarf.

The thing is, we were all too busy laughing to feel down about it. I still remember leaving my forehead on the desk for something near ten minutes, laughing and groaning in turns.

Colmarr · 08-10-2008, 10:57 PM

It's not a DM-fiat TPK, but it's certainly a TPK that the DM didn't see coming:

We played an Eberron campaign based on the Dirty Dozen, where each PC was pardoned from death row on the condition that they serve the Silver Flame until released.

To ensure compliance, an artifact-like object was inserted into each of our chests. The objects would detonate if triggered by the church, or if any attempt was made to disable or remove them.

In the course of the third session of the campaign, we recovered a brief case from a MBEG. When we opened it, we triggered the anti-magic field trap inside*. The chestbursters all promptly went off.

A messy end to what was a promising campaign...

*The case was going to be used to crash an airship by disabling its elemental ring.

Tengu_temp · 08-10-2008, 11:21 PM

"You're caught in a four-way battle between a titanic robot, a super-powered magical girl, a cosmic horror, and a sentient planet. There are no survivors."

chiasaur11 · 08-10-2008, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tengu_temp

"You're caught in a four-way battle between a titanic robot, a super-powered magical girl, a cosmic horror, and a sentient planet. There are no survivors."

I'd demand an oporttunity to roll for initiative.
Sounds almost survivable.

monty · 08-10-2008, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tengu_temp

"You're caught in a four-way battle between a titanic robot, a super-powered magical girl, a cosmic horror, and a sentient planet. There are no survivors."

All right, this is a good opportunity to test my new character. His name is Carlos Ray Norris.