Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

[Syka]

Coid, it's...well, yeah, it's rude. But it's her way of dealing with it. I told my ex to not contact me again after 5 months of random no contact. He didn't understand why but after 5 months where I felt GREAT and then suddenly felt like crap when he messaged me made me realize how much healthier my life was without him. I'm not saying YOU are unhealthy or anything, just more than dredging stuff back (like through contact) tends to make wounds last longer and cause one to dwell on it longer.

Not too mention he tried contacting me 4 months after THAT, which pissed me off a lot. He didn't think I was serious; I would take her serious.


Highwarlord, just be there for your buddy. Hang out with him, keep him busy, make sure he's keeping up with his schoolwork, etc. DO not tell him you are sorry or otherwise act like you are pitying him, do not try to hook him up, etc.

Granted, some people might need the opposite of that but in my experience those are the best ways to handle post break ups. Talk with him about IF he wants to, but I wouldn't bring it up.

[xPANCAKEx]

Highwarlord

be a friend. Tell him you're not going to patronise him, but tell him if he needs to talk its ok.

As syka pointed out, the last thing he needs right now is pity or to feel like a victim

[Alarra]

Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel

I'm 12...

Stop dating and try again in 3 years.

[averagejoe]

Originally Posted by Felixaar

and then eventually when you least expect you meet a girl who takes your breath away.

And then it turns out not to be in the cards anyways.

Not that I'm bitter.

Originally Posted by Alarra

Stop dating and try again in 3 years.

Agreed. There's much more to life than this. Find it.

[Felixaar]

Originally Posted by averagejoe

And then it turns out not to be in the cards anyways.

Not that I'm bitter.

There's always another hand, Joe, and there's always a lot more to the game of love than what's on the table. In any game the Felix is a part of, anyway...

[xPANCAKEx]

CrimsonAngel - i appologise if this comes across as patronising or condisending as that isn't the point.

for the next 4-6 years, dating is going to be messy at best. You're going to meet girls. Think you've fallen in love after a week. Get your heart broken a few times. That is all a given.

What you CAN do about it, if you intend to persue the world of dating is go into it with a clear head and follow some advice from people who have been through it all themselves. Im not going to advise you to not date (thats counter productive), but i would advise against dating. IE: im not saying don't do it - im just saying go into it knowing that it will be messy at best, and infuriating at worst. Learn that one early, as it still applies well into adulthood

and if anyone plays any games (attention games, mind games etc), drop them like a lead weight

That being said - as much as every girl you date will feel like the most important person in the world, prioritise yourself for the next decade. School, education, excercise (personal health is personal wealth. trust me - get healthy early) - make them your focus. Dating is a nice bonus if you can fit it in

re: your situation.

*Your ex (meg?) - from the fact you said friend im assuming you still want to be friends with her. Talk to her - appologise for being a bit insensitve about the whole thing and promise to be a bit more mindful of it in future.
*Your friend (conner?) - call him on it. If he knew you'd started dating this new girl and still made a move its not cool. Personally i would be very wary around him from now on. Not that im saying it can't be worked through, but just be mindful of what hes done. If he didn't know, and it was a genuine mistake, then accept his appology, and try not to guilt trip him too much, he's probably beating himself up enough as it
*Your girlfriend - nothing wrong with affection, but just ask her to be mindful around your ex if you're still trying to be friends. Enforce the point that its not because you want to get back with your ex, but because you're trying to be friends + she still has feelings and for a short while it will be upsetting for her to see it. Most decent girls will get their head round the concept of not wanting to cause unnecessary upset.

Originally Posted by Felixaar

There's always another hand, Joe, and there's always a lot more to the game of love than what's on the table. In any game the Felix is a part of, anyway...

yeah, but any games you're in involve a lot of inappropriate touching under the table too ;)

[Kaelaroth]

Originally Posted by Alarra

Stop dating and try again in 3 years.

I offer my SEMI-TOTAL support.
Unless you come out in the next three years, and hit on your best friend while you're experimenting with alcohol. That I don't disapprove nearly so much.

[xPANCAKEx]

Originally Posted by Kaelaroth

I offer my SEMI-TOTAL support.
Unless you come out in the next three years, and hit on your best friend while you're experimenting with alcohol. That I don't disapprove of nearly so much.

i think thats the funniest piece of advice i've ever seen on RWaA

"don't date... unless you're going to be gay and make things REALLY awkward for yourself"

[Kaelaroth]

Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx

"don't date... unless you're going to be gay and make things REALLY awkward for yourself"

Totally. Awkwardness is, like, teh awesome.
Unless, you know, you're me.
When it's not.
Um..
Yeah.

[rubakhin]

Okay, I need to get this off my chest.

It's nice dating a model and everything, but I have to deal with stupid idiots sabotaging my relationship like @#$%^ing CLOCKWORK. There was Joe faking emails from me confessing that I'm cheating (and addressing him every third sentence as "comrade"), Daniel being a manipulative jerk, Colin (the ex-boyfriend) threatening to release old sex tapes on the internet unless I let them talk ...

And now somebody just emailed me a two year old picture of the both of them kissing. Probably I'm dealing with Colin again, although the sender was anonymous. (If it isn't him, I'm dealing with somebody new who is merely conspiring with Colin. Oh, joy.)

Spoiler

I think I'm supposed to think it's recent and that my boyfriend's cheating on me or something. It's not a very clear picture, I couldn't really recognize Colin and I could barely see my boyfriend's face. It was probably chosen so I couldn't tell it was two years old. The whole idea is pretty ridiculous since my boyfriend is about the most faithful guy imaginable - he feels really uncomfortable sleeping with anyone outside of a committed relationship, and he's terrible at lying and hiding things, there's no way he could get to the level where he felt comfortable kissing someone without me knowing he was hiding something. So I know that he would never touch anyone who isn't me and I trust him completely. I assume it was the same with Colin, so why would he think this would bother me?

Also, I have no idea why he has my email or what he's going to do next. I think he just searched for my full name. The fifth result on the list has my email address. The other results have like my Livejournal. So now he knows all that about me. I'm leaving the country to move in with my boyfriend soon, but I know by the time I get there he's going to have spread it around all of Canada that I'm poor, that I left school when I was thirteen, that I've done drugs, probably that I was involved in the Caucasus, and definitely that I used to be a prostitute. I don't really care because that's who I am and I'm comfortable with that, but. Just about everybody's going to judge me, try to get my boyfriend to break up with me ... even my boyfriend's friends who already like me, like Zach, are probably going to start telling him that I'm a dangerous and unhealthy person to hang around and I'm just going to cheat on him or give him a cocaine problem or something. Everybody who cares about him is going to freak, and they probably won't be too friendly with me once I'm up there with him. I don't even want to know what kind of plots I'm going to have to deal with. I know Daniel's going to take this and run, and Joe's not going to like it either. It's just going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. I think he's doing this just to **** with me personally, because my boyfriend and I have a rock solid relationship and he won't leave me, ever. (And the LAST person he'd leave me for is Colin. His **** size is a running joke between the both of us, that's how seriously he takes his relationship with him now.) It's just that everyone else around us is going to make my life difficult.

I was never even an addict or anything! I can count on one hand the number of times I've done heroin. Cocaine, same thing. Mostly I just popped pills every once in a while - and this was all like two years ago. The last time I did anything like that was I had some Vicodin back in October, and before that it had been months. And prostitution, it's not a good thing, yeah, but it's not anything I would have done if I had a choice and I refuse to listen to anyone who thinks it makes me a bad or unworthy person. Leaving school when I was thirteen - I didn't really have a choice there, either.

Also? Colin's dating somebody who looks exactly like an uglier version of my boyfriend, and he's making him wear his hair like he does and dressing him in his old clothes.

My boyfriend's rejected him time after time, we've both talked to him, and he just won't go the hell away.

I miss the Caucasus. *rests my forehead on the desk* I want to take my boyfriend and go live on a little farm in the mountains where there isn't any drama.

[Syka]

Ruba, just ignore them or explain what you explained here- that the most you've done is some experimenting with drugs, which you've stopped, and that the other stuff was not willing on your part.

That said, I'm glad you are in a happy and, apparently, healthy relationship. You deserve it. If his friends are good friends and they get what you explained to us, they should support your relationship. The only reason I don't think my friend's girlfriend is good for him is because since being together he's only gone down hill in pretty much every respect and we've yet to hear anything redeeming of her, except when they first got together when he was amazingly happy (he's not anymore, at least not when we've seen him).

My point is basically if there is proof to the contrary that your relationship is unhealthy, good friends won't believe you are bad for him.

[xPANCAKEx]

rubakhin -

from what you've said about things it sounds like a lot of the behavior you worry about them all finding out about are in your past, not your present.

try talking to your boyfriends friends about it all. If you're going to move to be with him, pretty soon these guys are gunna be your friends too. If you know about how much of an @ss his ex can be, then so will they. If you make a few frank omissions, cover the big topics, then im sure it will go a long way into a) showing you're genuine and upfront b) you value their opinion c) you really do care about their friend (your boyfriend)

[Felixaar]

Rub, listen to Syka. Remember that so long as your boyfriend loves you nothing else matters. Best of luck with the big move!

Crim, I reccomend everything xPANCAKEx just said. Except anything he says about my card games is a filthy lie.

Kael, awesome. Pure awesome.

[skywalker]

Originally Posted by rubakhin

Spoiler

I think I'm supposed to think it's recent and that my boyfriend's cheating on me or something. It's not a very clear picture, I couldn't really recognize Colin and I could barely see my boyfriend's face. It was probably chosen so I couldn't tell it was two years old. The whole idea is pretty ridiculous since my boyfriend is about the most faithful guy imaginable - he feels really uncomfortable sleeping with anyone outside of a committed relationship, and he's terrible at lying and hiding things, there's no way he could get to the level where he felt comfortable kissing someone without me knowing he was hiding something. So I know that he would never touch anyone who isn't me and I trust him completely. I assume it was the same with Colin, so why would he think this would bother me?

Also, I have no idea why he has my email or what he's going to do next. I think he just searched for my full name. The fifth result on the list has my email address. The other results have like my Livejournal. So now he knows all that about me. I'm leaving the country to move in with my boyfriend soon, but I know by the time I get there he's going to have spread it around all of Canada that I'm poor, that I left school when I was thirteen, that I've done drugs, probably that I was involved in the Caucasus, and definitely that I used to be a prostitute. I don't really care because that's who I am and I'm comfortable with that, but. Just about everybody's going to judge me, try to get my boyfriend to break up with me ... even my boyfriend's friends who already like me, like Zach, are probably going to start telling him that I'm a dangerous and unhealthy person to hang around and I'm just going to cheat on him or give him a cocaine problem or something. Everybody who cares about him is going to freak, and they probably won't be too friendly with me once I'm up there with him. I don't even want to know what kind of plots I'm going to have to deal with. I know Daniel's going to take this and run, and Joe's not going to like it either. It's just going to be a pain in the ass to deal with. I think he's doing this just to **** with me personally, because my boyfriend and I have a rock solid relationship and he won't leave me, ever. (And the LAST person he'd leave me for is Colin. His **** size is a running joke between the both of us, that's how seriously he takes his relationship with him now.) It's just that everyone else around us is going to make my life difficult.

I was never even an addict or anything! I can count on one hand the number of times I've done heroin. Cocaine, same thing. Mostly I just popped pills every once in a while - and this was all like two years ago. The last time I did anything like that was I had some Vicodin back in October, and before that it had been months. And prostitution, it's not a good thing, yeah, but it's not anything I would have done if I had a choice and I refuse to listen to anyone who thinks it makes me a bad or unworthy person. Leaving school when I was thirteen - I didn't really have a choice there, either.

Also? Colin's dating somebody who looks exactly like an uglier version of my boyfriend, and he's making him wear his hair like he does and dressing him in his old clothes.

My boyfriend's rejected him time after time, we've both talked to him, and he just won't go the hell away.

I miss the Caucasus. *rests my forehead on the desk* I want to take my boyfriend and go live on a little farm in the mountains where there isn't any drama.

I thought models were supposed to have their own drug habits, you shouldn't need to help him find one.

[/sarcasm]

I like everyone else's advice.

How long have you been dating this dude?

[rubakhin]

Originally Posted by skywalker

I thought models were supposed to have their own drug habits, you shouldn't need to help him find one.

[/sarcasm]

Hmm, that would explain why he stays so thin despite the fact that his diet seems to consist entirely of fast food ...

How long have you been dating this dude?

About a year now, or closer to thirteen months. Why do you ask?

[Serpentine]

Heeeeey, it's Rubbles! What happened to your avatar? I'm afraid I don't have much actual advice to offer, so I'm just gonna say: Considering the note you left on, and the dramas going on then, I think this new drama is a pretty pleasant sort of a turn of events, all things considered Sorry =/

[Coidzor]

...My best friend is horribly burnt out from being a math major/nerd for the past decade and a half.

...Any advice about how to help him out in his burnout in general? or Mathes in specific?

This is what he's said that's led me to this conclusion and ask y'all for help:

Spoiler

In answer to the question of what's eating at him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head at the fact that he's basically given up on one of his advanced math courses:

WHAT the HELL is the point? I don't LIKE this stuff, I don't want to DO this stuff, and my life is EXACTLY the same dull-ass drag whether I do it or not, except that when I DON'T I at least get to sort-of-almost enjoy some free time watching interesting movies!

And I've DONE the math whiz thing for over a decade now, and that old thrill of knowing something perfectly is so familiar I don't give a crap about it anymore, and the ONLY reason I can convince myself this **** has ANY meaning is that it might help me on my next STUPID round of college apps, which is my only real way to get OUT of here...

And the people I see in Hilbert Space, the ones who are more-or-less what I'd be if I did all the bull**** I'm supposed to do, I can't STAND them. The only goddamn people who seem to have it figured out are the dancers who don't give a damn about anything but taking care of themselves and enjoying whatever time they're spending at the moment

And I've ARGUED with myself for a year and a half out here, and it's always the SAME reasons, and the same stupid dead silence given as refute, and nomatter what I always end up barely scraping by with a last-minute rush, and even when I don't NOTHING seems to change...

5:25 AM
"Example: Linear fractional transformations. Let X = C U {oo}, a set that becomes the Riemann sphere in complex analysis. The Group G = GL(2, C) acts on X by the linear fractional transformations blah blah blah"
I swear I used to think that sort of thing was pretty.

But now the only emotion I can register at it is a vague dread that I WILL sort this **** out, and be stuck staring at sentences like it for the rest of my life.
*end internal debate*

[averagejoe]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

...My best friend is horribly burnt out from being a math major/nerd for the past decade and a half.

...Any advice about how to help him out in his burnout in general? or Mathes in specific?

This is what he's said that's led me to this conclusion and ask y'all for help:

Spoiler

In answer to the question of what's eating at him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head at the fact that he's basically given up on one of his advanced math courses:

I can relate to this so much. I'll get back to you when I figure it out.

Weeee! I'm not studying for my electrodynamics midterm right now!

[Felixaar]

Sounds like your friend might be on the path to a change in lifestyle, which could be a good thing for him, Coid. I'd say the best thing you can do is try to support him as much as possible, and help him to make his own decisions.

[Mr. Mud]

*Pops in again nostalgically* Server works and loads effectively on my computer again! So good to be back. Anyways, question/scenarios is spoiled. Thanks in advance all .

Spoiler

Okay, so there is this girl that over the past few months I've been getting really close too, and he hang out a lot... can talk... and I guess there is somewhat of a physical connection as well . But all this hasn't exactly been going on in broad daylight... it's almost secret... or not a secret but our relationship isn't out public (yet)... That's because I'm... well I'm not sure how to word this so you all don't hate me, but I don't want to lose any of my reputation for going out said girl... And even though I like her a lot, I mean a lot a lot. I just don't wanna take flack from everyone who isn't one of my better friends... Does that make me shallow? I'm a confident dude, but I just can't seem to say "Yeah, I'm going out with so and so. You have a problem with that?". We both want to be able to be together... erhm, publicly, but I just don't think it's in me... Even if I wanted to, I think it would just cause more trouble that it would cause happiness. Is this normal or have I once again proived my self to be a terrible person ?

Has anything like this ever happened/is happening to any of you, if so what did you do/are doing to resolve it? I'm so lost .

Note to self: "STOP USING ELLIPSES"

[xPANCAKEx]

MrMud

im inclined to call you shallow. I make no bones about that... but before i stick my neck out on that one i want to know what it is about her that would get you so much flak.

but im going to give you some advice. You sound young from your post (either that or really immature, and im really REALLY hoping its young)... if you're still in school, all those people who said "best friends forever" and are your close mates, only a handful of them will matter in 5 years time.

what im trying to get at is, if this girl really makes you happy and has the potential to be something special then go with it. Anytime someone badmouths her or asks "why are you with her" - you can say with a hug, very smug grin on your face "because she makes me really, truely happy"

so why would they make fun of you for seeing her?

[The Rose Dragon]

So, I either did something great or I screwed up monumentally.

See, there is this girl with an amazing smile. I mean, not the best I've seen, but she makes it into the top five. I guess she has a nice body, too; I was mostly stuck on the hair and the smile (especially the smile).

Anyway, I had to ask her for a piece of paper for the lab quiz earlier, and she, being the kind and generous person she is, gave me one. I later asked her for her name, cause she looked familiar (like an acquaintance's girlfriend, in fact (which she wasn't)).

So, today, I returned the favor (I actually said "I'm returning the favor", but in Turkish) by giving her a piece of paper... with my contact info on it.

She looked at it, asked my name (which she should have figured out from my facebook handle), and folded up the paper. At the end of class, she put the paper into her bag... purse... carriage thingie. I don't know what happened after that.

Umm... help?

[Kaelaroth]

Originally Posted by The Rose Dragon

So, I either did something great or I screwed up monumentally. See, there is this girl with an amazing smile. I mean, not the best I've seen, but she makes it into the top five. I guess she has a nice body, too; I was mostly stuck on the hair and the smile (especially the smile).
Anyway, I had to ask her for a piece of paper for the lab quiz earlier, and she, being the kind and generous person she is, gave me one. I later asked her for her name, cause she looked familiar (like an acquaintance's girlfriend, in fact (which she wasn't)).
So, today, I returned the favor (I actually said "I'm returning the favor", but in Turkish) by giving her a piece of paper... with my contact info on it.
She looked at it, asked my name (which she should have figured out from my facebook handle), and folded up the paper. At the end of class, she put the paper into her bag... purse... carriage thingie. I don't know what happened after that.
Umm... help?

You're so totally in there. Make sure you wash a lot over the next few days, and condition like crazy. Also, is there time/money for you to get a haircut and tooth whitening? The second impression's darned special.
... Wait, do you not want to go out with her?

[xPANCAKEx]

The Rose Dragon

you did good. If shes single and she calls you up, ask her if she'd like to go grab a drink/a bite to eat some time. If you don;t know her that well, make it something small (a light meal, or coffee) - but somewhere you can talk and get to know each other

[The Rose Dragon]

Haircut is the work of the devil. Thou shalt not mentioneth iteth againeth (Ieth cannoteth speaketh Oldeth Englisheth).

I don't know how to get a tooth-whitening, anyway.

The problem is:

She still didn't contact me.

She might have a boyfriend.

She might have a girlfriend.

She might be into animals and / or inanimate objects (including plants).

She still didn't contact me.

I felt like an idiot giving her the paper and having her open it in the front of everyone (people do that back in middle school - I'm in college, dammit!).

She still didn't contact me.

Did I mention she still didn't contact me?

[xPANCAKEx]

how long ago did you give her the note?

[Kaelaroth]

Originally Posted by The Rose Dragon

Haircut is the work of the devil. Thou shalt not mentioneth iteth againeth (Ieth cannoteth speaketh Oldeth Englisheth).

I don't know how to get a tooth-whitening, anyway.

The problem is:
She still didn't contact me.

She might have a boyfriend.
She might have a girlfriend.
She might be into animals and / or inanimate objects (including plants).
She still didn't contact me.
I felt like an idiot giving her the paper and having her open it in the front of everyone (people do that back in middle school - I'm in college, dammit!).
She still didn't contact me.
Did I mention she still didn't contact me?

So she hasn't contacted you yet? So what? This gives you all the more time to prep, should she contact you. And, if not, who cares? She's some girl with a nice smile you don't know. For all you know (assuming she doesn't contact you evar!) she's a crazed Misery-style scarlet hell wummun. And college kids are immature. And I doubt anyone actually gives a damn about seeing her look at your contact details. Expect the worst, hope for the best. And at least invest in some expensive aftershave.
And if she has got a SO, she won't go for you. Big deal.

[The Rose Dragon]

Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx

how long ago did you give her the note?

About 16 hours, 20 minutes ago.

[Kaelaroth]

Originally Posted by The Rose Dragon

About 16 hours, 20 minutes ago.

Has no-one ever told you that you can't trust women to "get back to you" for at least 24 hours, on a regular basis? [/grossly generalises]

[The Rose Dragon]

Last time I had a date (actually, only time I had a date), she was very punctual about getting back to me.

She was also very punctual at getting back overseas.

So my experiences may be biased.