Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Man, every time I read this, I just wanna give everyone big hugs.
I'm a very huggy type of guy.

Anyways, I used to be pretty depressed sometimes. Sorta suicidal, except not. I considered killing myself, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. I decided my life wasn't worth acknowledging in any way shape or form. I don't think I ate anything that day either.

The most annoying thing about when I do get depressed, is that I know that there are people out there who do love me and stuff, but I still feel like ****e. And that makes me more depressed, for some reason.

I don't really know why I'm typing this down, because I haven't had a wave of depression for months, but I think that I might as well write about it now, if any time.

Oh, and Gem? Moar Hugs. It may not be much help, but I think your story really touched me.

[Cheesegear]

Originally Posted by Bor the Barbarian Monk

Cheesegear, I actually took a degree of comfort from your post. While it's impossble to know how I feel, it's nice to know that someone understands to their own extent how I feel. Thank you.

You mean...Like 'empathise'? I like words.

[Anuan]

Cheesegear; Lovable Thesaurus ItP.

Gem:

Spoiler

I OFFER YOU VAST AMOUNTS OF HUGS AND AFFECTION. Also my MSN or Yahoo address so we can chat. *points to his profile*

My own problems; School is crushing me. I'm not built for this. I was going to drop out a few months ago, as the only reason I came here was for my girlfriend of the time. I repeated eleventh grade because I moved interstate, so if I hadn't come down here, I'd be finished by now. I'm so close to finishing now. But I only repeated and did all this so I could stay here with my now-ex. I don't really have a reason now. Like I said, I was going to drop, but Felix and my parents convinced me to stay. So, I did, and everything was going okay, I suppose...

But now, my depression's welled up and I take no joy in any of my schoolwork, even my English, which always made me happy. Now it just makes me feel worse, and I've been close to suicide once or twice...or thrice...
I'm going...sorta crazy. I'm tired all the time. I havn't slept well in about two months. I get angry even more easily, and I just want to sleep and hit people but I'm too depressed and lethargic to do...anything. Oh, and my computer's broken, so I'm online a lot less than I'd like to be.

[Hyozo]

I get disproportionally upset when things don't go my way. This used to be a major problem, but I've learned how to deal with it. If I can just stay away from the problem entirely, I do so. If somebody is doing something which upsets me, I can ask them to stop. If there is no visible way around a problem, I can usually grin and bear it until either one comes up or the issue stops being an issue and vent later. I would consider myself a success, were it not for the problem of my sister.

My sister has the same problem as I do, but she hasn't mastered not letting it control her. When things don't go her way she can easily get violently angry. Unfortunately, some of of the things which set her off are when I seem to be actively avoiding her, or when I ask her to stop doing something which she likes.

I'm assuming you can spot the result of these two personalities living under the same roof. Sadly any effort to get her to consider not doing things which she should know by now that I don't like is also likely to set her off, So I'm thinking I need to find some other way I can handle these situations which won't end up setting me off on an angry rant instead.

[Cheesegear]

Originally Posted by Anuan

Cheesegear; Lovable Thesaurus ItP.

Although I'm pretty sure Serpentine had that covered long before I did.

My own problems; School is crushing me.

Yeah. It does that.

I don't really have a reason now. Like I said, I was going to drop, but Felix and my parents convinced me to stay. So, I did, and everything was going okay, I suppose...

But now, my depression's welled up and I take no joy in any of my schoolwork, even my English, which always made me happy. Now it just makes me feel worse, and I've been close to suicide once or twice...

My only problem with this, is what do you plan to do if/when you leave/finish school? If the answer is 'nothing', then don't quit school. Nothing makes anyone more depressed that sitting at home all day (as many people in this thread can testify).

I'm going...sorta crazy. I'm tired all the time. I havn't slept well in about two months. I get angry even more easily, and I just want to sleep and hit people but I'm too depressed and lethargic to do...anything.

Have you spoken to a doctor? I don't mean a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I mean 'some guy in a clinic'. Usually you can tell them that sort of thing, and they'll rapidly prescribe something to help you sleep, they might proved anti-stress and/or anti-anxiety medications. They'll ask about the underlying cause, or course; But, it's not seriously their job to deal in psychology, and they'll refer you to someone else.
The good thing is, if counseling isn't for you, is that you can take the prescription and get your meds, and then throw the referral into the bin (although I don't recommend it).

Also, there are plenty of cheap anti-stress/anxiety 'vitamins' available over the counter, but, it's not guaranteed that they'll work. I vastly approve of the more-expensive drugs that have been proven in clinical trials. Although I don't take any of them myself, since the 'Big 2' (in Australia, at least) came up Aces in giving me the side-effects that they could bring. So, I make do.

Oh, and my computer's broken, so I'm online a lot less than I'd like to be.

That's a good thing. And if I said why I'd only be repeating myself.

[Anuan]

When school's over I'll be moving to Melbourne, getting a basic job and concentrating on writing, too. I'll be taking up Capoeira, too, for fun and fitness As for my 'living' there's the whole writing thing, and I'll be getting a certificate IV or Degree in Sports Coaching from the Acadamy of Wing Chun and opening up my own martial arts school.
Also, I love you more than Serp. In a platonic way, o'course

[commander43]

Well, this'd be my first time posting in this thread, and I don't imagine any of you know me. But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.

Spoiler

I technically graduated high school today. While my actual proper graduation is not for a few days I did the last bit of school work I had to do and turned it in. Everyone I've talked to has asked me how it feels, if I feel accomplished, etc, etc.

As you may have guessed, I feel no accomplishment for this. I, like many on this forum, am smart enough that I didn't need to work in high school. With pretty much no effort on my part I got by with a 3.2 or so average even though I was taking fairly difficult classes in a school system that actually does its best to challenge the kids. I get better scores on essays that I write in the hour before class starts then the people who spent lots of time on the essay and did multiple drafts.

This just makes me feel like a horrible person. It bothers me a lot and makes me feel worthless when I can do better without trying than someone who is trying, paradoxical as this might seem. All in all, high school went pretty well for me, in strictly academic terms. For the last two years of high school I instead attended a nearby community college and got my high school credits that way, I got into a decent University, although Berkeley wouldn't take me, and I'm going in September. Anyone would say that I should be happy because I'm going to have a fun time in college, meet interesting people, all that good stuff.

I'm an only child of undivorced parents, we're rich(people want me to say upper middle class, but we're rich), I have a decent number of friends, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, no matter how far fetched its actual achievement might be, my parents are loving and always want the best for me and encourage me to go the farthest I can in life and do what I want.

So I wonder why I feel horrible all the time and hardly have a positive thought on some days.

I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

This pretty much all stems from a combination of arrogance and feelings of worthlessness(if that makes any sense, which it doesn't). I tend to consider myself better than everybody else, and this of course makes me feel horrible, because my generation is just that meta. And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions? That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that. So even though I have everything around me that I need to be happy, I can't do it. Because I'm too arrogant and childish and high and mighty to ask for help when I sincerely need it. And I wouldn't want to inconvenience people even though I know that they wouldn't mind the inconvenience when it's my problems that we're talking about.

Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst. And while the rules say that I will be hit with a goat for saying that my problems aren't important, well, they just aren't. So hit me with a goat.

I don't know where to go from here....there's still plenty left to tell about why I'm horribly depressed, but I imagine if you need something clarified you can just ask.

[V'icternus]

Originally Posted by commander43

Well, this'd be my first time posting in this thread, and I don't imagine any of you know me. But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.

Spoiler

I technically graduated high school today. While my actual proper graduation is not for a few days I did the last bit of school work I had to do and turned it in. Everyone I've talked to has asked me how it feels, if I feel accomplished, etc, etc.

As you may have guessed, I feel no accomplishment for this. I, like many on this forum, am smart enough that I didn't need to work in high school. With pretty much no effort on my part I got by with a 3.2 or so average even though I was taking fairly difficult classes in a school system that actually does its best to challenge the kids. I get better scores on essays that I write in the hour before class starts then the people who spent lots of time on the essay and did multiple drafts.

This just makes me feel like a horrible person. It bothers me a lot and makes me feel worthless when I can do better without trying than someone who is trying, paradoxical as this might seem. All in all, high school went pretty well for me, in strictly academic terms. For the last two years of high school I instead attended a nearby community college and got my high school credits that way, I got into a decent University, although Berkeley wouldn't take me, and I'm going in September. Anyone would say that I should be happy because I'm going to have a fun time in college, meet interesting people, all that good stuff.

I'm an only child of undivorced parents, we're rich(people want me to say upper middle class, but we're rich), I have a decent number of friends, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, no matter how far fetched its actual achievement might be, my parents are loving and always want the best for me and encourage me to go the farthest I can in life and do what I want.

So I wonder why I feel horrible all the time and hardly have a positive thought on some days.

I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

This pretty much all stems from a combination of arrogance and feelings of worthlessness(if that makes any sense, which it doesn't). I tend to consider myself better than everybody else, and this of course makes me feel horrible, because my generation is just that meta. And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions? That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that. So even though I have everything around me that I need to be happy, I can't do it. Because I'm too arrogant and childish and high and mighty to ask for help when I sincerely need it. And I wouldn't want to inconvenience people even though I know that they wouldn't mind the inconvenience when it's my problems that we're talking about.

Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst. And while the rules say that I will be hit with a goat for saying that my problems aren't important, well, they just aren't. So hit me with a goat.

I don't know where to go from here....there's still plenty left to tell about why I'm horribly depressed, but I imagine if you need something clarified you can just ask.

*Slaps you with a goat*

There, now that the formalities are out of the way...

Try to put your skills to use to help people, even if it's only slowly and one step at a time. It may/should make you feel better, and help you with how you're feeling.

Also, remember: If you're better at something than someone, that does not mean you should feel bad. Everyone's better at something than a lot of other people. Just accept that it's part of who you are, and that you are better/smarter than them.

Speaking from experience, I know how this can cause you to feel worse than people, because you feel better. Just try and not feel that. Remember that it's just a fact.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

commander43:

Spoiler

If ever there was someone who need A Talk with George, it's you. (The lyrics are off to the right, under "more info.") You might also want to watch The Last Lecture for a touch of inspiration. Trust me, they pertain to you.

Okay...So high school didn't leave you with a feeling of accomplishment. No surprise there. Schooling up until graduation is an attempt to give you as much of a taste of everything as possible in the hopes you'll latch onto one thing and focus on that when you head off to college. (It's why the average person has no idea what to major in when they head off to college.) School, in general, is also training for the real world. "Here is your 'work schedule.' Here are your assignments. And if you don't follow instructions, there will be a penalty." It's employment without the earned income.

Yes, being blessed with an outstanding intellect can also be a curse. The problem is that you're sitting around, waiting for someone to challenge your mind, when the person who can do it is in your nearest mirror. What are you curious about? What haven't you done that you would like to try? It's up to you to find the challenges that you want to take on.

As others can acknowledge, I usually have a "Bor Story" for everything. Lo and behold, I have one for you.

In my 20's, I wrote a novel entitled The Summer of Magic. It seems that I'm forever perfecting it, sometimes rewriting the entire plot. Characters have come and go, but it was always an epic tale that my friends enjoyed reading. The most frequent comment I received was, "Y'know, this would make a great movie."

Well, that was nice...but I had no idea how to write a screenplay. Had I tried to tackle it the way I was writing novels and short stories, I would have typed up a disaster. So I started making trips to the library and to book stores. I eventually found three books that nailed down what I needed to know: How NOT to Write a Screenplay, Adventures in the Screentrade, and How to Sell Your Screenplay. The first details the dos and don'ts of writing a screenplay. The second is stories about dealing with various entities in showbusiness from the screenwriter's perspective. The last covers sales style and certain legalities.

The thing is that I challenged myself to learn how to write a screenplay, and I was able to do it after quite a bit of studying on my own. Stop sitting around, waiting for someone put your brain to work; that's your job.

I'd probably have more to say, but I find myself fading out now. I'm going to try and do that sleep" thing. I'll just wait for Cheesegear to pick up where I left off.

[Cheesegear]

Originally Posted by Bor the Barbarian Monk

I'll just wait for Cheesegear to pick up where I left off.

Coming from you Bor, I feel enormously pleased with myself at this present time. Having Bor the Awesome say "Listen to Cheesegear. He knows what he's talking about." means... A lot.

Originally Posted by commander43

But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.

Your post has line breaks and an easy-to-read paragraph structure. And is therefore not a 'wall' at all.

Spoiler

I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

What!? Are you drunk!? Just by reading this; I can see you have a firm grasp on spelling, grammar and syntax. Do you know where you learned (I refuse to say 'learnt') that? Yeah. School. I'm also going to assume that that 'decent amount of friends' you have also originate from school. I'm also going to assume that what you want to do in college (although I can't seem to find what that is) you originally learned about in school? You also got into college by going to school. You gained Knowledge. Knowledge is power, don'cha know?

You should have a High School certificate at some point in the next few weeks which is something physical. Sure, it's only paper; But, it means a lot to employers.
A High School certificate is one of those things that's only important if you don't have one, because you can't get far without it.

EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT! Just because you don't feel like something isn't important, doesn't mean it isn't. Us humans are quite rational at times. But, our complex brains also give us the ability to be irrational, and, just because we believe/feel something, doesn't make it true.

Just about everything you ever do in life, can often be attributed to 'I learned this in school'. I learned how to read and write in school. As time progressed, I understood more complex words, I learned how to use a dictionary, I then went on to learn how to use a Thesaurus. I learned how electricity works (yay science!). I learned how to touch-type in Typing class. I learned spatial reasoning, I learned complex problem solving.

I read an instruction manual on how to build a computer, I read how to connect my modem. I built my computer from scratch. Some bits wouldn't fit how I wanted them to, Spatial reasoning taught me to move stuff. I learned how to play D&D, I found GiantitP, I came onto the forum.

...All thanks to school.

Think of it this way; Primary/High School is like a Base Class. Sure, you can live all your life without ever going to college (go all the way to level 20 on base classes). But, it's nowhere near as fun/interesting/rewarding as going to college (taking a few levels in a PrC). But, remember; You can't get to PrCs without taking Base Classes first.

And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions?

That makes exactly zero sense to me. I can see why you'd think you're better than everyone else. But, that's entirely the wrong attitude to have. As you'll quickly find out in college. The attitude you should have, is "How can I help everyone be as good as me?" When you get to college, ask people how they're doing on the subjects that you're doing. If they say "X is so hard." that's the part where you offer to help them, instead of saying that you find it easy.

a) You get a ton more friends that way.
b) I don't know if it applies to you, but most of my friends are girls, and, since I'm doing a Science course, and (usually), girls aren't that great at science. Well, if you're into that sort of thing, play that out to it's conclusion.

That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

So...Someone you think is 'less good' than you, says that you're good. And you don't believe them? I fail to see the logic in that. OF COURSE SOMEONE LESS-GOOD THAN YOU WILL SAY YOU'RE GOOD!

Secondly, I despise the sentence "I'm better than everyone else." And people who say it make me...Angry. That, sub-textually, says that you put value (not currency, but an arbitrary value) on human lives. That somehow you're more important than they are. And that's just asinine (Words are awesome!) and reeks of arrogance.

The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that.

Me too! I have a Napolean Complex (which has been misdiagnosed a few times as both Inferiority Complex and Superiority). I can't ever let my friends see how truly messed up I am, because I need to project an Aura of Awesomicity. That's why I have my blog (which has been referenced on this thread a few times). I can explain, logically and concisely how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling this way and sort through it.

People will never see me huddling in the corner, sitting in the dark staring at the ceiling. They'll never hear me talking to myself, trying to sort out the questions/problems in my life. But, all my friends know that I have insomnia. What people think after reading something, is vastly different to what they think after watching someone cry for an hour.

The glorious part of the internet is, if I say something wrong, that's what Edit/Backspace/Delete is for. There's no Backspace in real life, and once you say something you can't un-say something.
Like when you're talking to a psychologist and you say "My Dad did this..."
The psychologist leans forward like a rabid dog. "Let's talk about that." When you know that that event was totally minor and had nothing to do with anything at all.

Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst.

The good part is, that you know you're being illogical and irrational (unless you don't know what 'faux' means). I think what's extra-helpful, is that there appears to be no underlying cause of why you feel depressed. You just do.

So, now, I have to recommend a healthy diet, exercise and fresh air. Since if there's no cause, it means the chemicals in your brain aren't working right. A few months of activity - of anything. Of achieving something (like Bor's project) will make you feel better. Or a dose of medication. Your depression appears to be acute, rather than chronic. So, getting better is uo to you. Not your surroundings.

(Although, even people suffering acute depression have been known to commit suicide.)

I believe 'asinine' also gets past the mods?

[Lappy9000]

Well, Commander, first allow me to say that graduating High School is indeed quite an accomplishment. Heck, you even got a start on your collegic career, showing much more work ethic than many people out there can be bothered to muster. Showing up honestly is half the battle; something that you'll likely discover after a few semesters of college (seriously, don't skip class). I've known several people of nigh super-genius intellect who thought their time was better spent playing World of Warcraft. Don't do that. However, with all this being said, it seems to me like you could use to humble yourself a bit.

Let's look at it this way, you need to appreciate the talents of yourself and of others. Be thankful in what you're good at, don't take your normal human superpowers for granted, and be sure to acknowledge the abilities of others. It is also crucial to realize your weaknesses, but see them as things you need to improve, instead of failings.

• For example: I recently insulted a Japanese Pop band in a convention elevator due to a poorly thought out joke about Swine Flu (many of the Japanese guests at this convention would be quarantined for 10 days after returning to Japan).
  • Negative Thoughts: Lappy9000 is a moron and insensitive.
  • Improvement: Think before you speak, Don't make insensitive jokes.

Focus on the latter more than the former. See the bad as a chance to better yourself so that you can help others to do the same. I always feel pretty humbled whenever I remember this. It's like when you put your hand on a hot stovetop; you're sure as the Nine Hells not to do that again.

Don't let the bad keep you down, because, honestly? You're going to screw up. You're probably going to screw up really badly. It's okay to screw up, because we've all done it. You're not alone in this. That being said, you shouldn't forget that there are others to talk to. Don't be against, or above, talking to them; other people can provide unique perspectives and opinions that an individual could never come up with on their own.

You shall be in my prayers as I prepare my spell list for the morning. I've got a Bless spell with you're name on it.

[Tequila Sunrise]

Dear DTIV,

I just got back from a three month stay in South Korea (that's the friendly one), working as a teacher. Turns out I'm not a great teacher because I just don't care about over-privileged angsty brats. That's not why I'm depressed though. I had to come back to my mother's home in the States because 1) my Korean boss turned spiteful on me and 2) it turns out Korean doctors just don't know how to treat my cystic fibrosis (a chronic genetic disorder). I'm depressed because I'm back in the same ol' catch 22: I need a job but 1) I can't accept a part-time because it doesn't provide the insurance I need to treat my disorder and 2) I can't seem to get hired for a full-time because the economy sucks (thank you no-government-oversight policies ) and 'all' I have going for me is a BA in English Lit. No work experience of note (because I can't accept part-time), and my interview smile is getting worse and worse as I get more depressed. So I'm stuck living with my mother and sister, whom I love but hate living with, on SSI because it's the only way I can get medicaid to treat my disorder.

Bleh.

[Lady Tialait]

Today is just one of the those blah days. When I feel this way I usally go out for a quick jog around the block and feel better...

But, it's pouring rain....I hates the hobbiteses rain.

[Gem Flower]

If anyone has read my previous two posts about my depression issues, I have a little update; I had a fantastic confidence booster today, and I'm in this fantastic euphoric state. Unfortunately, my mom noticed the cuts on my arm and got pretty mad. She expects me to tell her about this stuff, but all she does when I do tell her is scare me!

[Cheesegear]

Originally Posted by Gem Flower

She expects me to tell her about this stuff, but all she does when I do tell her is scare me!

How so? Does she yell at you? Or try and put you through all these programs? Or do nothing?

Also, you haven't told us why you're cutting. Because I can't find the reason. My PM box is open if you want to discuss it. And I don't usually open my PM box to this thread. Be prepared for 'cutting' to make no sense to me, because self-harm is an irrational behaviour, and I don't see the benefit in it at all.
(Which is the reason why I want to know why you do it)

[Gem Flower]

Cheesegear: She doesn't yell, but she speaks angrily and quietly. She keeps suggesting that I go to the hospital, which terrifies me. I'll PM you with why I cut.

[Lolzords]

Spoiler

After a long bout of depression, my life is finally looking up. (I posted my stuff in Depression Thread 3) I've finished my exams and they wern't too stressful, in the end. I've got ten weeks to myself now, due to the hols and I've started talking to an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years and has now blossomed into a very pretty young woman. Things are looking up, and it's nice for once.

I guess this is a message for the lot of you in this thread, sometimes stuff does get better. Thanks to Graymayre, I really appreciate that I had someone to talk to when there was no one IRL.

[arguskos]

Originally Posted by Zen Of Anger

Spoiler

After a long bout of depression, my life is finally looking up. (I posted my stuff in Depression Thread 3) I've finished my exams and they wern't too stressful, in the end. I've got ten weeks to myself now, due to the hols and I've started talking to an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years and has now blossomed into a very pretty young woman. Things are looking up, and it's nice for once.

I guess this is a message for the lot of you in this thread, sometimes stuff does get better. Thanks to Graymayre, I really appreciate that I had someone to talk to when there was no one IRL.

It's good to hear you're feeling better. I was actually reading over DT3 today and came across your post. Good to see things are looking up.

On that note, where IS Graymayre? I haven't seen him around much recently. I wonder if he's alright...

[Anuan]

I'm wondering the same about bluewind D:

[Yarram]

Originally Posted by Slayer Draco

I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

Spoiler

My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

*sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.

I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.

Your dad... Sounds exactly like my mum. Lol.

Bad-luck. I know how you feel.

[Neko Toast]

... I'm back again. I can't sleep right now, because I just feel... sad right now. It could possibly be hormonal, because it's that time of the month for me, but I'm not sure.

The one guy that I like more than a friend right now I can never ask out because it could potentially ruin the two closest friendships I have right now. I'm slowly becoming more and more distant from my family. I've been wanting to talk to a therapist but don't have the means to currently without my parents finding out. All these things keep running through my head right now. My constant tear flow has prevented me from falling asleep.

All I want to do is to go to my friends house and just let all of this out, with him comforting me, but I don't want to impose on him or burden him with something like this.

And gorram it, I need a Kleenex box in my room.

[fetfet]

Hey. First time poster in this thread. And with a pretty short depression.

I feel like people don't care enough about me to treat me with respect. Like people who don't want to visit me don't actually say it - ever - and they just make up horrible excuses to get out of it at the last minute. It feels as if people just don't consider me important enough to be told the truth. It's making me completely paranoid. And I don't think I can discuss it with anyone I know, because I feel like I'll get bull**** answers.

Is this just me thinking to highly of myself, or is there something I might be doing wrong?

[Rutskarn]

thelizard: I'm pretty sure everyone thinks that at some point or another. People define themselves very much by how other people value them--with rare exceptions. While many people can accept someone not liking them, the thought of nobody liking them will fill just about anyone with anxiety.

It preoccupies us.

Honestly, if worst comes to worst, just share these feelings with somebody. Somebody you consider to be honest--who you think would tell you if there was a problem, like that you weren't fitting in with their circle of friends. If they do, you can act on that advice. If they don't, maybe you can rest a little easier.

Alright, let me just unload this here. Maybe I'll feel a little better.

I'm not actually a depressed person, for the most part. I really don't have any problems with self-esteem or self-worth, and usually feel pretty comfortable with myself.

But there's an issue that causes me a lot of grief, on occasion. It's that I can't stand it when other people have the wrong impression of me.

If someone has all the facts, and knows me well, and thinks that I'm a world-class jackhole, I couldn't care less. Illegitimi non Carborundum. But if someone takes away a strong negative--even a positive--impression of me on false pretenses, it fills me with anxiety and gut-wrenching preoccupation. It gets to where the other things in life--my blog, my...uh...my blog--are hard to concentrate on. I bend over backwards to correct the person, which is usually interpreted as me "taking it way too seriously, dude."

Once, someone thought (quite incorrectly) that I was insulting them, and sent a half-hurt half-angry response by comment. Not only did I post a responding comment profusely apologizing for the mistake, I sent them an e-mail to make sure they saw the comment. Thing is, I could barely even sleep that night, preoccupied as I was.

I'm in that zone tonight. I have a post left unwritten--I don't think I can do it justice tonight--and an hour or two to destress myself so I'm in decent shape tomorrow. And this is after I've corrected one of the people involved.

So. Yeah.

[Neko Toast]

Okay... I think I've calmed down from before. Maybe it was partially hormonal. Still, it really would be nice just to have one of my friends to talk to right now.

@Rutskarn: Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who will judge you solely based on your first impression. There's not much you can do except to hope that, through time, they will realize that they've misjudged you, or accept that they don't like you and move on. I realize that it's not always easy to do. Sometimes I struggle with this problem. What I usually do is say to myself, "Who cares what that bloke thinks. None of my friends think I'm like this, so who cares what they say." Seems to help me, at least.

[Lappy9000]

Originally Posted by Slayer Draco

... I'm back again. I can't sleep right now, because I just feel... sad right now. It could possibly be hormonal, because it's that time of the month for me, but I'm not sure.

The one guy that I like more than a friend right now I can never ask out because it could potentially ruin the two closest friendships I have right now. I'm slowly becoming more and more distant from my family. I've been wanting to talk to a therapist but don't have the means to currently without my parents finding out. All these things keep running through my head right now. My constant tear flow has prevented me from falling asleep.

All I want to do is to go to my friends house and just let all of this out, with him comforting me, but I don't want to impose on him or burden him with something like this.

And gorram it, I need a Kleenex box in my room.

With the exception of the hormones, I can closely relate with your problem.

Why do you feel it could ruin your friendship? If he has mutual feelings, there's nothing to worry about. If he doesn't, you also shouldn't have anything to worry about 'cause you probably weren't that compatible and avoided a massive fall-out.

Another thing; you should open up to friends and family. Don't worry about burdening your friends, I have bro-chats and girl chats ('cause, apparently, I fufill the social role of gay best friend ) with all of my friends who are open enough to talk to. That's simply what friends do.

Likewise, if you genuinely feel the need for therapy, you should get your parents involved. I can't tell you how much help my parents would have been if I hadn't kept stuff from them. Would have saved myself a lot of headaches, I would

And, yes, get that tissue box. I find that my Wall-E tissue box and Disney Princess tissues compliment my dwelling nicely

[Neko Toast]

Originally Posted by Lappy9000

With the exception of the hormones, I can closely relate with your problem.

Why do you feel it could ruin your friendship? If he has mutual feelings, there's nothing to worry about. If he doesn't, you also shouldn't have anything to worry about 'cause you probably weren't that compatible and avoided a massive fall-out.

Another thing; you should open up to friends and family. Don't worry about burdening your friends, I have bro-chats and girl chats ('cause, apparently, I fufill the social role of gay best friend ) with all of my friends who are open enough to talk to. That's simply what friends do.

Likewise, if you genuinely feel the need for therapy, you should get your parents involved. I can't tell you how much help my parents would have been if I hadn't kept stuff from them. Would have saved myself a lot of headaches, I would

And, yes, get that tissue box. I find that my Wall-E tissue box and Disney Princess tissues compliment my dwelling nicely

I don't believe you've seen my venting about my father post on the previous page. I dislike my father. This is partly where my distancing is coming from.

Again, the dating the friend thing does have more explanation to it. That is somewhere in the Relationships thread.

[Serpentine]

Originally Posted by Rutskarn

If someone has all the facts, and knows me well, and thinks that I'm a world-class jackhole, I couldn't care less. Illegitimi non Carborundum. But if someone takes away a strong negative--even a positive--impression of me on false pretenses, it fills me with anxiety and gut-wrenching preoccupation. It gets to where the other things in life--my blog, my...uh...my blog--are hard to concentrate on. I bend over backwards to correct the person, which is usually interpreted as me "taking it way too seriously, dude."

Once, someone thought (quite incorrectly) that I was insulting them, and sent a half-hurt half-angry response by comment. Not only did I post a responding comment profusely apologizing for the mistake, I sent them an e-mail to make sure they saw the comment. Thing is, I could barely even sleep that night, preoccupied as I was.

I recently literally cried because someone was mean to me on the internet. I was sure that they simply misunderstood something I said, but utterly rebuffed any attempt on my part to explain myself. They even said that I should "grow a thicker skin" if him not liking me bothered me so much. I had to make a concious effort to shrug that off, but it still gets me down to think about it. If we simply disagreed completely on something, fair enough. If we're irreconcilable, that's that. But so far as I can tell, we basically agree, but he still doesn't like me ("I'm not your friend", in fact - all I said was "I don't know why you're suddenly acting so virulently towards me, so far as I know we don't have any negative history"), simply because I'm not very... that word I can't think of, which proves my point articulate, and unwisely spoke too much on a topic I knew too little about.
Sooo... Yeah. Basically, I know what you mean. If you ever come up with a solution, let me know.

Wait... Oh crap, where's Bluewind?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Originally Posted by Tequila Sunrise

Dear DTIV,

I just got back from a three month stay in South Korea (that's the friendly one), working as a teacher. Turns out I'm not a great teacher because I just don't care about over-privileged angsty brats. That's not why I'm depressed though. I had to come back to my mother's home in the States because 1) my Korean boss turned spiteful on me and 2) it turns out Korean doctors just don't know how to treat my cystic fibrosis (a chronic genetic disorder). I'm depressed because I'm back in the same ol' catch 22: I need a job but 1) I can't accept a part-time because it doesn't provide the insurance I need to treat my disorder and 2) I can't seem to get hired for a full-time because the economy sucks (thank you no-government-oversight policies ) and 'all' I have going for me is a BA in English Lit. No work experience of note (because I can't accept part-time), and my interview smile is getting worse and worse as I get more depressed. So I'm stuck living with my mother and sister, whom I love but hate living with, on SSI because it's the only way I can get medicaid to treat my disorder.

Bleh.

TS:

Spoiler

No one seemed to notice your post, and I've been looking in on "my" thread, but refrained from leaving many responses because I'm having some serious issues of my own.

I'm a little stunned that you're not on Social Security Disability. I'm almost sure CF is on their list of instant clearance for benefits. With SSD comes Medicare, which, while I don't consider it the best of insurance policies, should at least get you the treatments you need.

You have a benefit over me in that you have a place to stay where you don't have to handle every last financial detail. With a roof over your head, you can file for SSD, probably get it, receive your medical treatments, and then continue your job hunt. Yes, you can look for work while on SSD. It need not be a permanent situation.

Here's the deal...SSD will start sending you a check, which should also include back pay once you're approved. You should also receive Medicare, which will cover 80% of your medical needs. You may have to look into State programs to help with the other 20% to avoid out-of-pocket costs. (I have a story about that second part, but I'll talk about that in a bit.) Once you're all set, and getting the medical attention that you require, you can look into what Social Security calls "The Ticket to Work Program." This allows you to get back into the work force without penalty to your SSD benefits at the start. After nine months, employment will start reducing your benefit checks. Employers are encouraged to hire the handicapped by way of a check sent to them from the government, which may well make it a bit easier to find a job.

You can go here, or call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213.

Okay...My story about the Ticket to Work Program is a bit of a pain. You see, I rely on SSD and benefits from Arizona. I make so little from SSD that AZ pays for my Medicare, as well as providing a secondary medical insurance.

I personally HATE living beneath poverty, and decided a couple of years ago to try and get back into the work force. And I found the perfect job for me! I would work at home with a starting salary of $9.00/hour, and that was part-time! This was GREAT! I mean, I could go to training for a week, the company would come in and set up the software I needed on my computer, and then I would take in-bound sales calls. On my worst days, I sit at my computer almost all day long. Why not make some money while doing so? The way I saw it, I could start part-time, and if I found I could do more, I'd go full-time.

My first step was to contact Social Security and find out how working would affect my benefits. I was told about the Ticket to Work Program. From my understanding, whether or not the company I would work for took it, I could still give it a try for nine months without penalty. (The woman on the phone actually told me, "You could earn $10,000,000.00 a month without penalty.")

So far, so good.

My next step was to visit DES; that's the Department of Economic Security. (Actually, it should be the Department of Economic INsecurity, but that would be a personal point of view.) I sat down with a case manager (CM) and asked how employment would affect my State benefits. Our conversation went like this:

Me: How much am I allowed to earn before my benefits are cut?
CM: A hundred and twenty dollars.
Me: A week?!? That's great! Because I found this job that -
CM: No, no, no...A month...before taxes.

I was so looking forward to working 10 to 20 hours a week, thereby completely altering my lifestyle. Instead, I discovered that the paid training, all by itself, would cut me off from the benefits received from AZ. (And there was no way they'd let me train one day a month for five months until I was ready, and then work only 13 hours a month thereafter.) That would mean the 20% NOT covered by Medicare would have to start coming out of my pocket. Looking at my list of medications and all of the doctors I need to see to manage my diabetes, I realized I would likely pay out more than I earned. Thus, dreams of working and increasing my monthly income died with just a few words.

This is why I urge you to be cautious when relying on State benefits. Those who rely on Medicare alone often have to pay a literal high price, so you will either need State benefits or the addition of private insurance.

This is the best that I can do by way of a suggestion.

As an added little note, I can't tell you what a joy it is hear from someone with CF that is so...well...old. I lost a dear friend of mine around 25 years ago to CF. She was 15. Medical advances seem to have altered the lifestyle of those with this pancreatic illness, and I think it's miraculous that you call it "chronic" and not "terminal."

[Gem Flower]

Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.

[Neko Toast]

Originally Posted by Gem Flower

Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.

Nice to hear that you're doing great.