Relationship Woes and Advice

[Syka]

Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.


Private Advice Givers:
Syka (me)
Glaivemaster
Prince of Cats


RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

Cheers,
Syka

[darkblade]

Well to kick this thread off from Darkblade#1...

Right now I've got myself in a situation that despite many a protest from people in th real world seems utterly pointless to contiune. I was hoping for some reasonably unbiased opions. I'm a 16 year old guy in the middle of nowhere Canada. I recently developed feelings for this girl who I have been good friends with for the better part of the two years I've known her. I asked her out a few months ago to no actual response, just an akward bus ride home and going back to being friends the next day. An almost friend of mine has also been pursuing her solely for her body (he is rapidly losing his friend satus). Right now she is in France on exchange and I was hoping my feelings would die down but they only got stronger. I know she doesn't see me as anything more than a friend and likely never will but I can't bring myself to give up and move on. Is this pointless?

and Darkblade#2...
There's this woman I love, and have for over a year. I love her more than anything else in this world, but she doesn't love me back. How do I know? She's told me. Almost worse, she feels responsible for when I was depressed and suicidal a while ago. She isn't responsible, but she won't believe that no matter how much I tell her.
She lets me hold her, though her reasoning is slightly lacking, if I've ever actually heard it from her. My theory is that it's purely out of a feeling for responsibility for my previous mindset, though other people tend to disagree. And so I must ask, which is the best course of action to take in such a situation?

((Darkblade#1 thinks Darkblade#2 should get his own account))

[J_Muller]

A more simple question from me... Are there any movies in theaters now that females would enjoy being taken to? There's a girl at my school I intend to ask out soon, and a movie seems like something simple for a first date, but I don't want to invite her to a movie if there's nothing out that she would enjoy...

[Syka]

Hrm, I already addressed the second one in your other thread.

To the first one...It may be. If you can just be friends, that might be good, but judging from her reaction she didn't really know how to react to it. I've been in situations where a guy just kind of springs that he likes me and I just have no clue what to do, generally because I don't actually feel the same way about the guy but I'd like to stay friends. It could be different but, stay friends if you want. If you can't get over her and she gives you other signals that she isn't romantically interested, I'd suggest slowly lessening contact.

J, Hot Fuzz is one I'm really looking forward to. Grindhouse would be a bad idea. Trust me on that one. oo' Hrm...I can't think of any others that are in theaters offhand, but it's hard to go wrong with a comedy like Fuzz.

[J_Muller]

Yeah, I'm checking on the internet and Hot Fuzz does seem like it would be funny. Don't worry, I wasn't even considering Grindhouse. She's not exactly a Tarantino kind of person.

Of course, I'll leave it up to her which one she wants to see, but it's good to know that there are some good choices before I ask her.

EDIT: Well, Hot Fuzz looks good, but too bad it's R... neither of us are 17 yet. Ah well. I'll figure something out.

[Vespe Ratavo]

Great idea, honestly. Just FYI, I'm officially opening up [email protected] for this as well (if it's all right with Syka, of course). Just put "Relationship Advice" or similar in the subject line.

@V Will do.

[Syka]

Sounds good. If you pass the Relationship ones on to me, I'll post them on here. Thanks. :)

[Syka]

I've got one for y'all.

I'm going to take a gander and guess that it isn't normal to be slightly peeved and a bit scared upon realizing you've fallen in love, yes? Just curious. I mean, given my situation (particulars upon PM) it isn't really surprising. It just feels slightly wrong that I would tarnish what should be such a happy feeling (and it is most of the time) with something so...negative.

[tgva8889]

Well, it didn't happen to me so far. I'll say that much.

So yes, fear would be an odd reaction to me. Though, really, I can imagine someone being afraid of falling in love. To someone else, that might be a really weird feeling, so much that it's alien.

[Timberwolf]

I'm not going to anonymise this because, what the hell, I'm not particularly fussy about who knows I've asked for advice and help with something.

I'm in a bit of an odd position right now. I am steadily developing feelings for my housemate. This is bad in several ways. The first is that it goes against one of my personal rules (although it's rapidly getting to the stage where I'm beginning to think "Screw it, it's more like a guideline"). My housemate is also not very confident about themselves at all to a whole new level and I am getting decidedly mixed signals. We are due to move out in 2 months time. They're moving away and I'm not sure whether or not me doing anything would be appreciated or not. They had a bit of a bad experience with their last housemate in this sense and I don't want to freak them out. It got really, really wierd apparently and they're still not quite recovered from it. (The person whom I replaced was quite persistant and scary with their attentions to the extent of my housemate not wanting to be alone in the house with them.)

So ladies and gentlemen, tell me please. What do I do about this ?

[Zephra]

@^
if you thing they want you [kind of] to do something (what do you mean by that) do it in a very non-pushy way. gently, or something. it should be a good middle-ground

Well to kick this thread off from Darkblade#1...

Right now I've got myself in a situation that despite many a protest from people in th real world seems utterly pointless to contiune. I was hoping for some reasonably unbiased opions. I'm a 16 year old guy in the middle of nowhere Canada. I recently developed feelings for this girl who I have been good friends with for the better part of the two years I've known her. I asked her out a few months ago to no actual response, just an akward bus ride home and going back to being friends the next day. An almost friend of mine has also been pursuing her solely for her bodyoooh! kill him. that's so rotten. (he is rapidly losing his friend satus). Right now she is in France on exchange and I was hoping my feelings would die down but they only got stronger. That is how you know that you really love her. if it were a passing thing, it would be gone already I know she doesn't see me as anything more than a friend and likely never will but I can't bring myself to give up and move on. Is this pointless?
you don't need to give up and move on. be her friend, and treat her like a friend, but add your love, because if she thinks you want her for her body, you haven't got a chance. no one wants to be treated like a thing. and be patient. when she compares the way you treat her with the way he treats her, she'll love you all the more

Red parts are my response^

[Glaivemaster]

It's hard to quote you, Zephra, if you're going to do crazy things like this

That is how you know that you really love her. if it were a passing thing, it would be gone already

I've posted my thoughts on this in the original thread, but I'm still going to put them here. I disagree with what Zephra said. Sometimes 'a passing thing' can take quite a long time to pass. I still believe that it will pass, in time. If she didn't say anything the first time, it's probably because she didn't want to say no, and being persistent isn't going to change her mind.

Do what you want, but if she doesn't like you back, nothing worthwhile is going to come out of a relationship

you don't need to give up and move on. be her friend, and treat her like a friend, but add your love, because if she thinks you want her for her body, you haven't got a chance. no one wants to be treated like a thing. and be patient. when she compares the way you treat her with the way he treats her, she'll love you all the more

Just because she likes him even more, doesn't necessarily mean she'll like him enough. She probably already knows you don't just want her for her body, since you're already good friends, so I don't think that'll change anything

The way I see it, you already know that you're only friends, and that probably nothing more will come of it. You said as much yourself. I do think that you need to just leave it. You'd be surprised at how quickly you can get over it if you stop convincing yourself that you can't

As I said: Do what you want. Tell her about your feelings if you really feel you must, but I expect that pushing this will only make things awkward

[Totally Guy]

My problem is that I have difficulty meeting women. I know three ladies at work all of whom are in relationships. I live with three in my house share, all in relationships. There are six on my course, four of which are in relationships, I've asked both the singles out in the past but they aren't interested in me, fair enough.

I go to pubs and clubs occasionally however I can't hear anything there and can't communicate very well.

During the day I occasionally go down to the town centre and prepare a joke about a product or something. The other day I went to all the shoe shops saying to people it was like the cup and ball game and I knew there was a low price under at least one shoe. Unfortunately I don't meet many women in the mens shoe shops...

I avoid going to places like leisure centres where I might meet children. When I was small a friend got a chap into all kinds of difficulties by saying bad things, it was no big deal for him in the long run but it's something I'm scared of, kids can destroy adults with the right words.

The other issue is that I know what I'm after, a relationship, long term, commitment, I want to get to know her as well as I do myself. I don't know anybody like that though, they all want something different. Plus I look very young for my age, Micheal J Fox in back to the future, or early Hugh Grant maybe, so although I am very good looking the ages doesn't match right.

[Glaivemaster]

My problem is that I have difficulty meeting women...

Do you have any friends that might be able to set you up with a woman?

[Totally Guy]

That's a touchy subject, I moved to my current city of residence in January so I have the nurses I live with, they are on my side. Friends from university I write to every so often but I rarely get any response. Friends from my home town I no longer talk to. And for good reason, I won't be writing that up.

So the best bet is the nurses. I'll give it a go.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

So the best bet is the nurses. I'll give it a go.

Ah, I know a plan!

All you need to do is cut off a your left arm and leg, and then get rushed to hospital.

Then when you wake up with this nurse flustering over you you can state:
"I've been dying to see you, but I'm all right now I have seen your face. But now we are all alone, how about you show me how hospitable these hospitals can be, after all, it's costing me an arm and a leg to stay here. My heart is already fluttering, although truth be told that could be the meds..."

Then you have both shown her you have a humour, and dedication!

Just have the hospital on speed dial, the plan can't fail!*

*Disclaimer; Death Inc does not accept any liability for lose of limbs.

[Jewish_Joke]

Syka, you're brilliant!

[Murongo]

Hmrf. Anyone know how to dance? I've been to plenty of dances but I've always had the convenience of sitting out or at least drawing very little attention to myself while I dance. Unfortunately prom requires that I do some serious dancing with people and I don't have a clue how to dance.

Probably not a big deal, but I don't want to remember myself as the guy who stood in the nerd corner at prom. Not that being a nerd is a bad thing, but I just feel like I'd have missed out.

I guess I could always just do the low-profile thing where I copy the girl and sway with the music but it would be nice if I actually knew how to dance.

[Vonriel]

Okay, this is gonna be awkward and probably bad advice to some people, but ask your mom. She most likely knows how to dance, at least well enough so that you don't make yourself feel like a fool. Alternatively, if it's bothering you that much and you have an understanding date, you can ask her and see if she'll teach you how. My 2 cents.

[Syka]

Go to a club, if possible, with a friend or two. Cut loose. ;) I also thought I didn't know how to dance until I went to a club a few weeks ago and realized I'm not as good as some, but I'm as good as most. And it was fun. :) Alternatively, ask your date and your mom is probably a good idea too.

Timberwolf, wait until they move out. If they've had bad experiences in the past with roommates, then that will turn them off. If you show discretion and wait until they are in a more comfortable situation, they will probably be more open to something.

Glug, I concur with asking the nurses for help. Also, what one of my friends is doing is when a girl strikes his fancy...He's been asking me how to proceed. So far the best places he's found for chatting up girls is...when he sees them at work (Subway, etc, 'cause we're in college). If you decide to go that route, make sure you talk to them for at least the first 2-3 times before asking for a number/date. From personal experience, I'll tell you while some can pull off asking the first time, most just come off as creepy.

Jewish, I know I'm brilliant. ;) Now why do you think that?

[Batman]

A more simple question from me... Are there any movies in theaters now that females would enjoy being taken to? There's a girl at my school I intend to ask out soon, and a movie seems like something simple for a first date, but I don't want to invite her to a movie if there's nothing out that she would enjoy...

Holy crap, dude. You DO realize that not all women are the same? Like, girls are people, with individual tastes and preferences, and having a uterus doesn't link you into a hive mind? Females in general enjoy all movies. There's no movie a female hasn't seen. We have no idea what kind of movies this particular female enjoys. You know who does, though? She does. So maybe you should ask her.

On another note, though, going to see a movie is a crappy idea for a first date, unless it's a movie you both really want to see and the date won't end after the movie. On a first date, you want to talk to someone and get to know them; it's hard to do that when you're sitting quietly in the dark paying attention to something else.

[J_Muller]

Holy crap, dude. You DO realize that not all women are the same? Like, girls are people, with individual tastes and preferences, and having a uterus doesn't link you into a hive mind? Females in general enjoy all movies. There's no movie a female hasn't seen. We have no idea what kind of movies this particular female enjoys. You know who does, though? She does. So maybe you should ask her.

On another note, though, going to see a movie is a crappy idea for a first date, unless it's a movie you both really want to see and the date won't end after the movie. On a first date, you want to talk to someone and get to know them; it's hard to do that when you're sitting quietly in the dark paying attention to something else.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, calm down. You're going to give yourself an ulcer if you let yourself get all worked up about things like this.

Second, I'm obviously going to let her decide which movie she wants to see. I'm obviously going to check, though, to see if there are even some good options. As there aren't any anime movies (she's an anime fan) out, I'm falling back to comedies, probably Hot Fuzz.

Third, obviously the date isn't going to be the movie and nothing else.

[Syka]

Batman, you are correct to state not all girls are the same. I like just about any type of good movie.

However, some movies just are not good 'date' movies. I enjoyed Borat, yes, but it's probably not the best choice of date movies unless you are comfortable with the person (thankfully I was). Grindhouse, also liked and saw it as a date movie...But once again, I've been dating the guy a while. Generally you want to keep a first date movie fairly light

[Midnight Son]

However, some movies just are not good 'date' movies.

I was going to take a girlfriend to see Beauty and the Beast on our first official date. She decided she wanted to see Alive(y'know the one about the futbol team eating eachother in the Andes). I should have taken it as an omen and dumped her right then and there. Would've saved a lot of heartache later on.

[tgva8889]

For the dancing thing:

Is this a "slow dance" or not? If yes, then it's not that hard.

If you don't know how to slow dance, let them lead. They most likely know what they're doing.

And keep your feet away from theirs. So far, I've been lucky enough not to hurt anyone.

The first time I slow danced was last year, and actually someone else (one of the girls in my grade who I classify as "generally annoying") actually made it happen. Typically, asking a friend is a good plan. I asked my friends how to, and it worked for me.

[Missing Shoe]

I have a complicated situation. I'm not sure if you can help me but here is hoping.

Last year around this time, I dated this girl for about 4 months or so. At first, it seemed like we had a lot in common. Then, we found out how little we had in common. We like the complete opposites in food, and because of such, we always had to eat out. We didnt get along with each other's friends that well. We started to fight over the simplest of things, and every time we fought she cut herself. I became overly stressed out because I didnt want to hurt her, plus I was stressed by the fact that she was living with her ex (She dated this guy for 2 1/2 years, they moved in together. Then she broke up with him for me.) I became agitated, she became bitter, we fought even more.

We ended up breaking up and she went back to her ex. He left for the marines (and is still currently in service). After he left she began to throw her life away. She became an alcoholic, picked up some bad habits and lost her full ride at our college because of it. I tried to maintain friendship but she said she didnt want me in her life anymore. So I left it at that.

-

6 months has past since all then. Now she is trying to be friends again. She came over the other day to borrow my gamecube controllers. She was kind of acting like she did when we first started to like each other (but she could have just been friendly, I couldnt tell what she was thinking). She unloaded on me that since we last talked: She dropped out of school and is now working 80 hrs a week, she can no long have kids, both her parents lost their jobs and she is trying to help them, her one brother ran away from home and they dont know where he is, her other brother is wanted by the law, she has an stomach ulcer, she hardly eats anymore, she is an true insomniac, she had a couple mental break down, she still cuts herself - but on the bright note, she doesnt drink as much, she quit smoking, and she made sure to mention that she no longer gets her period because she cant have kids.

And through it all, I cant help but miss her. My feelings for her are coming back, even though I know that we didnt mesh at all, even though her life is complete and utter hell right now, even though she cant have any kids anymore and I do want kids someday, I still want to be with her again. I'm not sure what to do from this point on. I dont know if she has a boyfriend, I dont know if I should bring it up or if I should let it slide. She invites me to do stuff with her friends, but like I said, I dont really care for any of her friends. I've dated girls since we were a couple but it hasnt been the same, and I always had her in the back of my mind, comparing them almost.

Is this just a passing feeling and I should leave it at that, or should I bring it up with her? Or should I just play it normal and if it happens, it happens? To add a wrench in the situation, I will be moving away 2 hrs from here for the summer. So if we did develop feelings again, we would be apart throughout it all.

*sigh* :/

[tgva8889]

How much do you think about it? If it's borderline obsession, tell her. If not, then you have options.

I'll give you some more advice later: Right now, I have to sleep.

[Syka]

I have a general rule of thumb about dating and that is- if you broke up, there was a reason. Chances are (and I think this is right in your situation) the reason is still there.

I still think about my ex from time to time. It's normal, this person was special to you and a part of your life. I would suggest, if you can handle it, just being her friend- and nothing more. Make that clear if she starts to come on to you...Especially given her boyfriend (or did they break up?) is in the Marines. I have a problem with people who cheat while their loved one is away...Especially serving our country.

It seems like right now she just needs a stable and positive influence in her life. Be there for her, but don't let her use you. If she does start to use you, I would cut ties. That is not healthy.

On that note, I feel terrible for her. Life is tough enough, with out all that stuff. And knowing she can't have a child...that has to be one of the worst feelings. I don't want to have kids, but I don't really feel like losing the choice.

I apologize for typos...It's 2am and I need sleep.

*hugs all around*

Cheers,
Syka

[Glaivemaster]

I'd say leave it, to be honest, for the same reasons as Syka. Also, if you're moving further away, it'll probably become easier to get over as you see her less often

If you can talk to her without seeing her as anything more than a friend, that's probably still nice. She sounds like she needs a lot of support at the moment. But you probably already knew that part

[The_Werebear]

Missing Shoe

My advice: I am in agreement with Syka. Don't try to get things started with her again, but definately be her friend.