Jokes: They're Supposed To Make You Laugh

[Kid Jake]

A grizzled cowboy strolls into the saloon one evening for a night of hard drinking. He's the quiet type and spends the night drinking in silence in the corner alone. In fact he's so quiet, that wanting to get a rise out of the stoic gunslinger, some of the younger patrons sneak out to hide his horse while he's drinking.

When he finishes up, he walks outside and is of course enraged to discover his horse missing.

The cowboy kicks in the saloon door, rests his hand on his weathered revolver and in a booming baritone growls "Listen up you worthless yokels, my horse is missing and if one of YOU don't find it for me before I finish this drink I'm going to do what I done down in Texas....and I don't like what I done down in Texas. Nobody likes doing what I done down in Texas..."

So the cowboy sits down, has a drink and when he walks outside his horse is waiting for him. As the cowboy swings up onto the saddles the bartender runs out and shouts "Wait! I've got to know...what did you do down in Texas?"

The cowboy scowls and replies "I walked home."

[enderlord99]

Joke # 19
What do you call a man with bananas in his ears?

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Whatever you want, he can't hear you.

We do not discuss bananas here.

[TheGrimPeddler]

What's orange and rhymes with parrot?

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A carrot!

[Fiery Diamond]

So a rope slithers into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender just stares at it and goes, "Get out of here, we don't serve ropes here." The rope leaves and goes and messes itself up, gets all tangled, messes up its hair, and so on. Then it goes back in and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[Anonymouswizard]

A horse walks into a bar.

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The barman asks 'why the long face?'

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The horse replies 'my wife just died.'

[robnar]

These are good jokes. Thanks OP!

For the following, insert <college name> where you see these. I'm from Texas, so I will use Aggies.

What happened to the <Aggie> hockey team?

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They drowned during spring training.

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How many Sith lords does it take to change a lightbulb?

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Two

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

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Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

How many veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

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Slam fist on table.

YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!

*note, be careful with this one.

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Studies have shown that most chain smokers actually smoke cigarettes.

What's brown, and sounds like a bell?

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Dung!

[Manga Shoggoth]

What's brown, and sounds like a bell?

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Dung!

What comes steaming out of cows backwards?

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The Isle of Wight Ferry!

Actually, the town is spelled "Cowes"...

[Red Fel]

I'm more of a fan of story-style jokes than question-answer jokes. Observe.

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A duck waddles into a saloon, waddles right up to the bar, hops up onto a stool, and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, perplexed at this talking duck, is gobstruck for a moment, before responding, "No, we haven't got any grapes." The duck shrugs, inasmuch as a duck can shrug, hops off the stool, and waddles out of the saloon.

The next day, in waddles the duck again, right up to the bar. He hops up onto the same stool, and asks again, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shakes his head, "No, we still don't have any grapes." The duck shrugs, hops down, and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Every day, around the same time, the duck waddles in, waddles up to the bar, and asks his question - "Got any grapes?" What started as a strange and amusing happenstance has become a thing of dread and annoyance for the hapless bartender.

One day, the duck waddles in, repeating the daily ritual, and hops up onto his regular stool. Before he can ask his question, the bartender snaps, "Listen, you little twerp, if you ask me about grapes one more time, I'm gonna glue your beak shut, nail your feet to the floor, and clobber you with a hammer!"

The duck pauses, tilting its head slightly. "Got any glue?" it asks. "No," replies the bartender.

"Got any nails?" "No," comes the reply.

"Got any hammers?" "No."

There's a pause.

"Got any grapes?"

[Christopher K.]

Here are a couple that went over pretty well on Reddit a while back:

Joke 1:
Our monk bit off a bit more than he could chew when he challenged the dragon to a boxing match.. he didn't know he was going up against Bahamut Ali.

Joke 2:
We fought the same villain twice in our cyberpunk campaign. I swear, it was like there was a Lich in the Matrix.

[Baby Gary]

Here are a couple that went over pretty well on Reddit a while back:

Joke 1:
Our monk bit off a bit more than he could chew when he challenged the dragon to a boxing match.. he didn't know he was going up against Bahamut Ali.

Joke 2:
We fought the same villain twice in our cyberpunk campaign. I swear, it was like there was a Lich in the Matrix.

these are both really good and really bad... at the same time

[Christopher K.]

these are both really good and really bad... at the same time

Well they were for dmdadjokes, so they're supposed to be groanworthy

[Velaryon]

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?

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Attire!

Why did the bouncy castle cost twice as much as last year?

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That’s inflation for you.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says;

[Sermil]

(This one works best if you actually tell it to someone out loud)

So, there's a hotel. One night, a salesman arrives and asks for a room. Clerk says "OK, here's the key for room 549. It's just up the stairs there -- but be careful, the 99th step is very unstable and you might fall in if you step on it."

The salesman takes the key and proceeds up the steps, carefully counting as he goes.
5...
10...
15....
20....
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30....
35....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and makes it safely to his room.

The bellboy follows with his luggage. The bellboy is new and needs to carefully count steps:
5...
10...
15....
20....
25....
30....
35....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and delivers the luggage.

Salesman decides he's hungry. Calls room service and asks for a burger, fries and a Coke. The waiter comes up the stairs carrying the food:
5...
10...
15....
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30....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and delivers the order.

Well, then a married couple shows up and asks for a room. Clerk gives them room 551, but warns them about the 99th step. The husband goes up to the room:
5...
10...
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30....
35....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and makes it to the room.

The wife finishes parking the car, and follows her husband up the stairs:
5...
10...
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30....
35....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and makes it to the room.

The husband decides he's hungry, so he calls room service and asks for a grilled cheese sandwich and a Pepsi. The waiter climes the stairs with the order:
5...
10...
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and the food is delivered.

Meanwhile, a business woman arrives at the front desk, having been dropped off by an Uber. She gets room 565. and the same warning about step #99. Up she goes:
5...
10...
15....
20....
25....
30....
35....
40....
45....
50....
55....
60....
65....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and makes it to her room.

The bellboy follows with her luggage:
5...
10...
15....
20....
25....
30....
35....
40....
45....
50....
55....
60....
65....
70....
75....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and delivers her luggage.

The business woman decides she needs a little something after a hard day, so she calls room service and orders a rum-and-Coke. The waiter brings it to her:
5...
10...
15....
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95, 96, 97, 98, jumps over the 99th step and she gets her drink.

Now, what is the moral of this story?

Spoiler: Drumroll please

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2 out of 3 people surveyed preferred the taste of Coke to Pepsi!

(That's what we call a 'shaggy dog' story.)

[Velaryon]

Two men set out to go ice fishing. As they are augering a hole in the ice, they hear a booming voice come from above them, saying,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE."

The two men look around in confusion for a moment, then they pack up, move about 30 feet, and start making a new hole. Soon they hear the booming voice again,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE."

The two men look around again, then pack up their gear, move another 30 feet, and start getting ready to try again, when they hear,

"I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE."

Both men look up and call out "God? Is that you?"

"NO, YOU IDIOTS! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK."

[Kid Jake]

A man wakes up in the morning and as he's getting ready to go to work a booming voice seems to shout "OUTSIDE!", so the man panics and scrambles outside. Once outside, the voice bellows "TREE!", so the man runs to the oak tree in his back yard, whereupon the voice demands "DIG!"

Without hesitation, the man falls to his knees and starts digging in the dirt with his hands. "DEEPER!" the voice commands when he begins to slow down and so he tears at the ground until his hand latches onto a ratty old duffel bag in the ground. The man drags it into the sunlight and stares at it for a moment in wonderment, until the voice shouts "OPEN!"

Quickly the man unzips the bag and dumps its contents onto the ground. At a glance, he estimates there's more than $100,000 in loose bills. Before he can even think of something to say at this kind of luck, the voice is at it once more, it shouts "VEGAS!" and so without hesitation he grabs the money and rushes to the airport to get a plane to Las Vegas.

The flight is quiet, but the second he touches down the voice shouts "CASINO!" so he has the cabby drop him off at the closest one. As soon as he gets out of the card, the voice shouts "ROULETTE!", so he runs to the roulette wheel and as the voice thunders "BLACK!" the man throws down every cent he has on the table.

The ball bounces around for a tense moment before the croupier calls out "Red 23!"

The voice just screams "FUUU-"

[Von_Derpington]

Jokes. Yes. I love jokes.

A photon walks into a hotel. The man at the desk asks the photon if he would like him to take his bags. The photon replies:

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"Nah, I'm traveling light."

Why is is hard to get into koala college?

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They have very stringent koalafications.

Why did the duck cross the road?

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To get to your house.

Knock knock.
Who's there?

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THE DUCK.

[PunsAndDragons]

I once dated a mermaid, but to be honest she was all washed up.

I then dated a baker but she was too kneady.

[Anonymouswizard]

So what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

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A woolly jumper!

But what do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

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A stern rebuke from the research ethics committee and immediate cessation of your funding.

[Jormengand]

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

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Nothing: you can't cross a vector and a scaler.

(I think there will be maybe two people who get the joke)

[enderlord99]

(I think there will be maybe two people who get the joke)

Based on where this is, I think at least 40% of the people who read this joke will get it.

[lio45]

I'm sure there's at least two physicists on this forum (Ifni and myself) so that's your quota already filled.

[Mith]

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

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Nothing: you can't cross a vector and a scaler.

(I think there will be maybe two people who get the joke)

I always liked this joke because when I first heard it, the friend telling it was drunk and botched it horribly. It was hilarious.

[Baby Gary]

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

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Nothing: you can't cross a vector and a scaler.

(I think there will be maybe two people who get the joke)

nice joke, I get the punch line (mostly). How is a mosquito a vector? Is it really obvious and am I just being really dumb?

P.S. @lio45, what about me? I know some physics, and I really enjoy thinking of the SCIENCE behind throwing stuff at people

[enderlord99]

nice joke, I get the punch line (mostly). How is a mosquito a vector? Is it really obvious and am I just being really dumb?

It is a vector for, among other things, malaria. As for whether that's obvious, I'd say "somewhat."

[Jormengand]

Based on where this is, I think at least 40% of the people who read this joke will get it.

Fair enough. I'm just used to being surrounded by idio... uh, non-scientists.

[2D8HP]

Fair enough. I'm just used to being surrounded by idio... uh, non-scientists.

.
I qualify as both an idio... and a non-scientist, so at least one is in the audience.

[Baby Gary]

It is a vector for, among other things, malaria. As for whether that's obvious, I'd say "somewhat."

Us physicists don't learn about epidemiology, thats for the idio... I mean biologists (or whoever studies mosquitos, idk)

[enderlord99]

idio... I mean biologists

Counterpoint.

[Jormengand]

Counterpoint.

He's not even a real horseman of the apocalypse anyway.

[Baby Gary]

Counterpoint.

And? random words