Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[Reluctance]

Are we all still responding to DMS's initial post here, or has the conversation drifted as everybody has their say and works off of each other. Interview style dates inevitably feel awkward, and if you feel pressure to entertain her at all times, that's not a good basis for anything.

One thing to remember to help keep your cool. You're just heading out to have a good time with someone cute. If things go well, great. If they don't, there's always more where she came from.

[Eadin]

@the people that replied:
Thank you for your advice. I'll keep those things in mind.
I guess it's just me being extremely nervous...

@Names:
I am about as scared and freaking out as you are, and it's not my first date
And in 2 weeks. Oh well.
Just remember being nervous is okay. It'll all be alright, really. First dates are always a little awkward.

[dehro]

@the people that replied:
Thank you for your advice. I'll keep those things in mind.
I guess it's just me being extremely nervous...

@Names:
I am about as scared and freaking out as you are, and it's not my first date
And in 2 weeks. Oh well.
Just remember being nervous is okay. It'll all be alright, really. First dates are always a little awkward.

yeah.. you've reached the first stage of panic.
it's nothing that a well timed shot of your favourite alcoholic placebo won't cure. (or chocolate sweet if you're not into alcoholics).
if you ever should find yourself running amok, shouting random nonsense, whilst waving your arms wildly above your head.. that is when you have to worry about not being able to control your panic.
but let's face it..whoever sees you do that will probably feel foor you enough to want to cuddle you to sleep

[Eadin]

yeah.. you've reached the first stage of panic.
it's nothing that a well timed shot of your favourite alcoholic placebo won't cure. (or chocolate sweet if you're not into alcoholics).
if you ever should find yourself running amok, shouting random nonsense, whilst waving your arms wildly above your head.. that is when you have to worry about not being able to control your panic.
but let's face it..whoever sees you do that will probably feel foor you enough to want to cuddle you to sleep

I think I'll combine the two. *poors baileys in her chocolate milkshake*

[RabbitHoleLost]

I haven't posted in here in like forever.
I haven't really posted in the Playground very much lately, either, and so I feel so ridiculous and selfish and whatever other word you want to use concerning the need to talk about this.
And, boy, is it ever a long, long story.

Spoiler

Show

If there's anyone who frequents this thread who also attends the JC meetup, you know who I'm talking about, since I brought Logan along for the ride. You might as well skip the blow by blow of our relationship, since you've seen the mechanics of it.

So, February of 2011, I break up with a Playgrounder. Nice guy, first time I've really cared for someone strongly since highschool, it just didn't work out, etc etc.

I, being young and silly and thinking the best way over heartache of realizing love itself doesn't just fix anything, reactivate my old OKCupid account.
And the next few weeks is nothing but first dates after first dates until I get a message from Logan.
Logan was like that person in highschool I knew of but didn't KNOW. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, but everyone knew who he was, because he was freakishly tall and had super long hair and his dad owns the only decent gaming/comic shop in town.
His message was just one line "Hey, you're Nicole, aren't you?"
It went crazy from there.

As a friend said to me the other day, the one who has the more intense feelings in a relationship is the one without control. I have always, always been the one in control- I have always had a reign on my emotions when I'm with someone. I have always been level-headed, and I've always known that if the relationship I was in ended, I'd be fine.
I hate to sound stuck up and vain and full of myself, but there's always a line waiting for me.

This was not the case with Logan, and it was clearly not reciprocated, so, panicked, our relationship lasted a month.
Nothing was good enough for a while after that, and then I met Ryan.
Ryan was slightly older, calm and kind. And that lasted six months, because, to be frankly honest, he was boring. I've dated men older than him who wanted to do more, who had bigger aspirations.
Somewhere in that six months, Logan and I began to hang out as friends.
That's it. Nothing more.
We talked about everything- all the things I didn't know when we were dating. All of his emotions and what made him tick, and he went on and on about having feelings for his ex girlfriend Maggie.
When I broke up with Ryan, I immediately went to hang out with Logan. And it was cool. It was fine.

I was on OkCupid again within the week, and there were multiple dates- atleast one everyday, and then there were two days where I had three or so all in a day.
And then another one of Logan's group contacts me and we agree to meet up that Saturday.
Thursday, Logan confesses to still having feelings for me, that his talks about Maggie were really about me- a way to complain about me to me.

It was days until we were together again.

And, at first, it was fantastic. Texting constantly when he wasn't with me- which wasn't very often. Flowers and kisses and time seemed to pass so quickly.


Its hard to know where to start with the problems. A lot of people assume the real problem lays in the fact our relationship is gender reversed. I pay for 80 percent of the dates, I take care of him in the way a man is culturally expected to take care of a woman. I walk him through his issues, help him with his problems, make him feel safe because, in the end, Logan is terrified and stressed and sad all the time.
And I like it like this- I like being the...I don't want to say "strong one", but I liked that I was useful, I liked feeling like I was needed and someone good for him to have around.
All I wanted in return was affection and love, and, for a while, it was freely given to me- I was showered in love and hugs and cuddles.
I became very convinced this was it- Logan was, as the shippers in fandoms and such say, my "end game".

But things started getting weird when his friend Mike came home from college. And I don't think he's entirely to blame, especially not at first, but he certainly didn't help as things went on.
First, Logan lost his wallet in my room on his birthday (he was sick from drinking so much and I had taken him home, let him throw up in my waste basket, dressed him in shorts and a tshirt, gave him a glass of water and ibuprofen and let him sleep in my bed). We searched high and low and couldn't find it, until, weeks later, I was digging around.
It was open on my floor.
There was a picture of a girl.
It wasn't me.
When I asked him, all he said was that it was an ex (no name given), and I, after some time, calmed down. Maybe he had just forgotten it was there? Multiples of my guy friends supported this theory. It is, apparantly, common to forget something like that is in your wallet.
Fast forward to the meetup, and Logan is going to do the ropes course with Hippie and hands me his gages for his ears, his keys, and his wallet. Its a new one- he replaced the big, lumpy Green Lantern one for a nice, slim, leather OKC Thunder.
For the first time in months, I remember the picture of the ex girlfriend, and curiosity overwhelms me. I can't help but look through (and I hate myself for my distrust) and the picture is still in there. Panic comes back, full force, and I am pumped with adrenaline.
What do I do? I am far from home, halfway through the weekend, and there's still an awfully long drive home. As my friend Crystal and Zeb point out, approaching him about it then is probably not the best idea.
But I do anyways because I'm not smart. A fight does not break out over it- nothing is really said except that I know its there, and I know that he had to intentionally move it, and I don't understand.
He shrugs.
Later, he tells me he tore it up and threw it away. I kiss his forehead and tell him I'm sorry I was mad.

So we come home after the meetup and things are fantastic. Things are freaking great. He brings me flowers again and we spend ridiculous amounts of time together. We had been in a bit of a slump before the meetup, but it is exactly like it was in the beginning.
And then, one Saturday night, when I had a friend spending the night, I get a text from my friend Stratton.
Stratton is a friend of mine from years back, but he's known Logan since they were kids. He and Dex and Mike.
All of them had been spending the weekend at Mike's while his parents were out of town.
Stratton tells me that, the night before, when they were all trashed, Logan had admitted to having a huge crush on Mike's sister.

I feel like I need to point out several things before I go on to say what happened next. I am usually in possession of fiery temper, as I'm sure some of you know. But, Logan? He calms me. There are dozens of times I can remember when I could have been (and probably SHOULD have been) mad at Logan. He sleeps through our plans often, he on occasion blows me off for friends to the point he forgot when my birthday was and made plans that conflicted with the ones we had made previously (though he cancelled those as soon as I reminded him), he mentions sexual relations with other girls from the past from time to time.
I swallow it all, because I love him.

So, I've been drinking, and I get this text message, and I flip. I call Logan up and tell him if he has such feelings for another girl, we're done, and he can go pursue her if he wants.
That is when everything hits the fan.
I don't hear from him for two days, and, when finally I do get him to come over and talk, I apologize endlessly, and he still breaks up with me. He cries and cries and I hold him and tell him it will be okay- note that this is me consoling him over breaking up with me. I assure him that there will be a pretty girl who won't over react to these kinds of things and he'll meet her and fall in love and it will be okay.
And all the time, I am holding in my own sobs, because I desperately want to be the one for him, and I'm worried about who will help him, because his parents don't and his friends who he loves to death don't really give a rats ass about him so long as he's good to bring booze and get drunk with them.
He spends the night because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I let him leave, and, in the morning, he does just that.
By three in the afternoon, he's telling me he made the worst mistake of his life, and that he loves me, and that he can't imagine what his life would be like without me.
There's a week of goodness. Of perfection and sweetness that only comes after a makeup.

And then...things get weird. He doesn't text me, we don't hang out unless its me asking first. When we're together, he's quiet. I tell him I love him, and he's hesitant when he answers.
He spends 90 percent of his time when he's not working with his friend Mike, who, I've been informed by several neutral parties, is not fond of me. From what I've been told, he frequently states that he thinks I am incapable of controlling my emotions, and he wants Logan to be single so they can go pick up chicks at the bar.
I am terrified he has talked Logan out of me.

Yesterday, I sent him a text asking if we could talk today. He said, exactly "Yesh, but I have to mow the lawn for my parents so it will be after that."
No nervousness. Nothing.

I am scared, but I feel like I need to establish myself and my needs and my wants. I'm not sure what to say, and I'm terrified I'll chicken out.

I just have never felt this way for anyone before, and I'm scared.

[Sholos]

I haven't posted in here in like forever.
I haven't really posted in the Playground very much lately, either, and so I feel so ridiculous and selfish and whatever other word you want to use concerning the need to talk about this.
And, boy, is it ever a long, long story.

Spoiler

Show

If there's anyone who frequents this thread who also attends the JC meetup, you know who I'm talking about, since I brought Logan along for the ride. You might as well skip the blow by blow of our relationship, since you've seen the mechanics of it.

So, February of 2011, I break up with a Playgrounder. Nice guy, first time I've really cared for someone strongly since highschool, it just didn't work out, etc etc.

I, being young and silly and thinking the best way over heartache of realizing love itself doesn't just fix anything, reactivate my old OKCupid account.
And the next few weeks is nothing but first dates after first dates until I get a message from Logan.
Logan was like that person in highschool I knew of but didn't KNOW. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, but everyone knew who he was, because he was freakishly tall and had super long hair and his dad owns the only decent gaming/comic shop in town.
His message was just one line "Hey, you're Nicole, aren't you?"
It went crazy from there.

As a friend said to me the other day, the one who has the more intense feelings in a relationship is the one without control. I have always, always been the one in control- I have always had a reign on my emotions when I'm with someone. I have always been level-headed, and I've always known that if the relationship I was in ended, I'd be fine.
I hate to sound stuck up and vain and full of myself, but there's always a line waiting for me.

This was not the case with Logan, and it was clearly not reciprocated, so, panicked, our relationship lasted a month.
Nothing was good enough for a while after that, and then I met Ryan.
Ryan was slightly older, calm and kind. And that lasted six months, because, to be frankly honest, he was boring. I've dated men older than him who wanted to do more, who had bigger aspirations.
Somewhere in that six months, Logan and I began to hang out as friends.
That's it. Nothing more.
We talked about everything- all the things I didn't know when we were dating. All of his emotions and what made him tick, and he went on and on about having feelings for his ex girlfriend Maggie.
When I broke up with Ryan, I immediately went to hang out with Logan. And it was cool. It was fine.

I was on OkCupid again within the week, and there were multiple dates- atleast one everyday, and then there were two days where I had three or so all in a day.
And then another one of Logan's group contacts me and we agree to meet up that Saturday.
Thursday, Logan confesses to still having feelings for me, that his talks about Maggie were really about me- a way to complain about me to me.

It was days until we were together again.

And, at first, it was fantastic. Texting constantly when he wasn't with me- which wasn't very often. Flowers and kisses and time seemed to pass so quickly.


Its hard to know where to start with the problems. A lot of people assume the real problem lays in the fact our relationship is gender reversed. I pay for 80 percent of the dates, I take care of him in the way a man is culturally expected to take care of a woman. I walk him through his issues, help him with his problems, make him feel safe because, in the end, Logan is terrified and stressed and sad all the time.
And I like it like this- I like being the...I don't want to say "strong one", but I liked that I was useful, I liked feeling like I was needed and someone good for him to have around.
All I wanted in return was affection and love, and, for a while, it was freely given to me- I was showered in love and hugs and cuddles.
I became very convinced this was it- Logan was, as the shippers in fandoms and such say, my "end game".

But things started getting weird when his friend Mike came home from college. And I don't think he's entirely to blame, especially not at first, but he certainly didn't help as things went on.
First, Logan lost his wallet in my room on his birthday (he was sick from drinking so much and I had taken him home, let him throw up in my waste basket, dressed him in shorts and a tshirt, gave him a glass of water and ibuprofen and let him sleep in my bed). We searched high and low and couldn't find it, until, weeks later, I was digging around.
It was open on my floor.
There was a picture of a girl.
It wasn't me.
When I asked him, all he said was that it was an ex (no name given), and I, after some time, calmed down. Maybe he had just forgotten it was there? Multiples of my guy friends supported this theory. It is, apparantly, common to forget something like that is in your wallet.
Fast forward to the meetup, and Logan is going to do the ropes course with Hippie and hands me his gages for his ears, his keys, and his wallet. Its a new one- he replaced the big, lumpy Green Lantern one for a nice, slim, leather OKC Thunder.
For the first time in months, I remember the picture of the ex girlfriend, and curiosity overwhelms me. I can't help but look through (and I hate myself for my distrust) and the picture is still in there. Panic comes back, full force, and I am pumped with adrenaline.
What do I do? I am far from home, halfway through the weekend, and there's still an awfully long drive home. As my friend Crystal and Zeb point out, approaching him about it then is probably not the best idea.
But I do anyways because I'm not smart. A fight does not break out over it- nothing is really said except that I know its there, and I know that he had to intentionally move it, and I don't understand.
He shrugs.
Later, he tells me he tore it up and threw it away. I kiss his forehead and tell him I'm sorry I was mad.

So we come home after the meetup and things are fantastic. Things are freaking great. He brings me flowers again and we spend ridiculous amounts of time together. We had been in a bit of a slump before the meetup, but it is exactly like it was in the beginning.
And then, one Saturday night, when I had a friend spending the night, I get a text from my friend Stratton.
Stratton is a friend of mine from years back, but he's known Logan since they were kids. He and Dex and Mike.
All of them had been spending the weekend at Mike's while his parents were out of town.
Stratton tells me that, the night before, when they were all trashed, Logan had admitted to having a huge crush on Mike's sister.

I feel like I need to point out several things before I go on to say what happened next. I am usually in possession of fiery temper, as I'm sure some of you know. But, Logan? He calms me. There are dozens of times I can remember when I could have been (and probably SHOULD have been) mad at Logan. He sleeps through our plans often, he on occasion blows me off for friends to the point he forgot when my birthday was and made plans that conflicted with the ones we had made previously (though he cancelled those as soon as I reminded him), he mentions sexual relations with other girls from the past from time to time.
I swallow it all, because I love him.

So, I've been drinking, and I get this text message, and I flip. I call Logan up and tell him if he has such feelings for another girl, we're done, and he can go pursue her if he wants.
That is when everything hits the fan.
I don't hear from him for two days, and, when finally I do get him to come over and talk, I apologize endlessly, and he still breaks up with me. He cries and cries and I hold him and tell him it will be okay- note that this is me consoling him over breaking up with me. I assure him that there will be a pretty girl who won't over react to these kinds of things and he'll meet her and fall in love and it will be okay.
And all the time, I am holding in my own sobs, because I desperately want to be the one for him, and I'm worried about who will help him, because his parents don't and his friends who he loves to death don't really give a rats ass about him so long as he's good to bring booze and get drunk with them.
He spends the night because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I let him leave, and, in the morning, he does just that.
By three in the afternoon, he's telling me he made the worst mistake of his life, and that he loves me, and that he can't imagine what his life would be like without me.
There's a week of goodness. Of perfection and sweetness that only comes after a makeup.

And then...things get weird. He doesn't text me, we don't hang out unless its me asking first. When we're together, he's quiet. I tell him I love him, and he's hesitant when he answers.
He spends 90 percent of his time when he's not working with his friend Mike, who, I've been informed by several neutral parties, is not fond of me. From what I've been told, he frequently states that he thinks I am incapable of controlling my emotions, and he wants Logan to be single so they can go pick up chicks at the bar.
I am terrified he has talked Logan out of me.

Yesterday, I sent him a text asking if we could talk today. He said, exactly "Yesh, but I have to mow the lawn for my parents so it will be after that."
No nervousness. Nothing.

I am scared, but I feel like I need to establish myself and my needs and my wants. I'm not sure what to say, and I'm terrified I'll chicken out.

I just have never felt this way for anyone before, and I'm scared.

This might be hard to hear, but it does not in any way sound like Logan loves you. It doesn't sound like he trusts you and he's perfectly willing to violate your trust. Things like sleeping through plans (if it's a frequent occurrence) and forgetting birthdays just scream "not really interested" to me. I've got more, but I've gotta leave, so I'll try to get back to this later.

[dehro]

I haven't posted in here in like forever.
I haven't really posted in the Playground very much lately, either, and so I feel so ridiculous and selfish and whatever other word you want to use concerning the need to talk about this.
And, boy, is it ever a long, long story.

Spoiler

Show

If there's anyone who frequents this thread who also attends the JC meetup, you know who I'm talking about, since I brought Logan along for the ride. You might as well skip the blow by blow of our relationship, since you've seen the mechanics of it.

So, February of 2011, I break up with a Playgrounder. Nice guy, first time I've really cared for someone strongly since highschool, it just didn't work out, etc etc.

I, being young and silly and thinking the best way over heartache of realizing love itself doesn't just fix anything, reactivate my old OKCupid account.
And the next few weeks is nothing but first dates after first dates until I get a message from Logan.
Logan was like that person in highschool I knew of but didn't KNOW. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, but everyone knew who he was, because he was freakishly tall and had super long hair and his dad owns the only decent gaming/comic shop in town.
His message was just one line "Hey, you're Nicole, aren't you?"
It went crazy from there.

As a friend said to me the other day, the one who has the more intense feelings in a relationship is the one without control. I have always, always been the one in control- I have always had a reign on my emotions when I'm with someone. I have always been level-headed, and I've always known that if the relationship I was in ended, I'd be fine.
I hate to sound stuck up and vain and full of myself, but there's always a line waiting for me.

This was not the case with Logan, and it was clearly not reciprocated, so, panicked, our relationship lasted a month.
Nothing was good enough for a while after that, and then I met Ryan.
Ryan was slightly older, calm and kind. And that lasted six months, because, to be frankly honest, he was boring. I've dated men older than him who wanted to do more, who had bigger aspirations.
Somewhere in that six months, Logan and I began to hang out as friends.
That's it. Nothing more.
We talked about everything- all the things I didn't know when we were dating. All of his emotions and what made him tick, and he went on and on about having feelings for his ex girlfriend Maggie.
When I broke up with Ryan, I immediately went to hang out with Logan. And it was cool. It was fine.

I was on OkCupid again within the week, and there were multiple dates- atleast one everyday, and then there were two days where I had three or so all in a day.
And then another one of Logan's group contacts me and we agree to meet up that Saturday.
Thursday, Logan confesses to still having feelings for me, that his talks about Maggie were really about me- a way to complain about me to me.

It was days until we were together again.

And, at first, it was fantastic. Texting constantly when he wasn't with me- which wasn't very often. Flowers and kisses and time seemed to pass so quickly.


Its hard to know where to start with the problems. A lot of people assume the real problem lays in the fact our relationship is gender reversed. I pay for 80 percent of the dates, I take care of him in the way a man is culturally expected to take care of a woman. I walk him through his issues, help him with his problems, make him feel safe because, in the end, Logan is terrified and stressed and sad all the time.
And I like it like this- I like being the...I don't want to say "strong one", but I liked that I was useful, I liked feeling like I was needed and someone good for him to have around.
All I wanted in return was affection and love, and, for a while, it was freely given to me- I was showered in love and hugs and cuddles.
I became very convinced this was it- Logan was, as the shippers in fandoms and such say, my "end game".

But things started getting weird when his friend Mike came home from college. And I don't think he's entirely to blame, especially not at first, but he certainly didn't help as things went on.
First, Logan lost his wallet in my room on his birthday (he was sick from drinking so much and I had taken him home, let him throw up in my waste basket, dressed him in shorts and a tshirt, gave him a glass of water and ibuprofen and let him sleep in my bed). We searched high and low and couldn't find it, until, weeks later, I was digging around.
It was open on my floor.
There was a picture of a girl.
It wasn't me.
When I asked him, all he said was that it was an ex (no name given), and I, after some time, calmed down. Maybe he had just forgotten it was there? Multiples of my guy friends supported this theory. It is, apparantly, common to forget something like that is in your wallet.
Fast forward to the meetup, and Logan is going to do the ropes course with Hippie and hands me his gages for his ears, his keys, and his wallet. Its a new one- he replaced the big, lumpy Green Lantern one for a nice, slim, leather OKC Thunder.
For the first time in months, I remember the picture of the ex girlfriend, and curiosity overwhelms me. I can't help but look through (and I hate myself for my distrust) and the picture is still in there. Panic comes back, full force, and I am pumped with adrenaline.
What do I do? I am far from home, halfway through the weekend, and there's still an awfully long drive home. As my friend Crystal and Zeb point out, approaching him about it then is probably not the best idea.
But I do anyways because I'm not smart. A fight does not break out over it- nothing is really said except that I know its there, and I know that he had to intentionally move it, and I don't understand.
He shrugs.
Later, he tells me he tore it up and threw it away. I kiss his forehead and tell him I'm sorry I was mad.

So we come home after the meetup and things are fantastic. Things are freaking great. He brings me flowers again and we spend ridiculous amounts of time together. We had been in a bit of a slump before the meetup, but it is exactly like it was in the beginning.
And then, one Saturday night, when I had a friend spending the night, I get a text from my friend Stratton.
Stratton is a friend of mine from years back, but he's known Logan since they were kids. He and Dex and Mike.
All of them had been spending the weekend at Mike's while his parents were out of town.
Stratton tells me that, the night before, when they were all trashed, Logan had admitted to having a huge crush on Mike's sister.

I feel like I need to point out several things before I go on to say what happened next. I am usually in possession of fiery temper, as I'm sure some of you know. But, Logan? He calms me. There are dozens of times I can remember when I could have been (and probably SHOULD have been) mad at Logan. He sleeps through our plans often, he on occasion blows me off for friends to the point he forgot when my birthday was and made plans that conflicted with the ones we had made previously (though he cancelled those as soon as I reminded him), he mentions sexual relations with other girls from the past from time to time.
I swallow it all, because I love him.

So, I've been drinking, and I get this text message, and I flip. I call Logan up and tell him if he has such feelings for another girl, we're done, and he can go pursue her if he wants.
That is when everything hits the fan.
I don't hear from him for two days, and, when finally I do get him to come over and talk, I apologize endlessly, and he still breaks up with me. He cries and cries and I hold him and tell him it will be okay- note that this is me consoling him over breaking up with me. I assure him that there will be a pretty girl who won't over react to these kinds of things and he'll meet her and fall in love and it will be okay.
And all the time, I am holding in my own sobs, because I desperately want to be the one for him, and I'm worried about who will help him, because his parents don't and his friends who he loves to death don't really give a rats ass about him so long as he's good to bring booze and get drunk with them.
He spends the night because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I let him leave, and, in the morning, he does just that.
By three in the afternoon, he's telling me he made the worst mistake of his life, and that he loves me, and that he can't imagine what his life would be like without me.
There's a week of goodness. Of perfection and sweetness that only comes after a makeup.

And then...things get weird. He doesn't text me, we don't hang out unless its me asking first. When we're together, he's quiet. I tell him I love him, and he's hesitant when he answers.
He spends 90 percent of his time when he's not working with his friend Mike, who, I've been informed by several neutral parties, is not fond of me. From what I've been told, he frequently states that he thinks I am incapable of controlling my emotions, and he wants Logan to be single so they can go pick up chicks at the bar.
I am terrified he has talked Logan out of me.

Yesterday, I sent him a text asking if we could talk today. He said, exactly "Yesh, but I have to mow the lawn for my parents so it will be after that."
No nervousness. Nothing.

I am scared, but I feel like I need to establish myself and my needs and my wants. I'm not sure what to say, and I'm terrified I'll chicken out.

I just have never felt this way for anyone before, and I'm scared.

if it weren't entirely the wrong thing to do, I'd ask that you check in your panties that you haven't in your sleep, grown a set of exta genitals..
because it does sound like a role reversal, gender-wise, towards the situations I usually hear about from friends.
Honestly, I don't quite know what to suggest or say that may be of any help..except for pointing out the one thing that struck me in your post:

1 date every day, 3 in one day?
slow down, girl!!
seriously..there's such a thing as climbing back in the saddle when you fall off, and then there's riding bareback to make it more difficult.. (edit: no sexual innuendos meant)
you? you're trying to have the horse breakdance whilst you do a juggling number sitting on it's nose.
If this is your usual pace in everything you do and feel.. could it be that taking everything at whirlwind speed is making things a bit more intense and less manageable, including your reactions and leaps to conclusions?
I'm not saying you're wrong about him or in following your instincts.. but.. there's little harm in letting things proceed at their own pace and see how they pan out. If anything, this may let you regain control over things in the measure you prefer.
all things considered, it does seem to me that you two aren't exactly in the same place, as far as this relationship goes as far as how much you're willing to invest in it. this "could" be due to that difference in pace I mentioned, or due to other issues; mike's sister, his influence, logan's indecisiveness (spelling?).. or whatever else have you. or maybe you are putting a lot of pressure on him and maybe you're trying to make him conform more to how you'd like your ideal Logan to be?
I know a couple of individuals who take life by storm and try to cram 3 times as much life in half the time. they're great friends to have..but they can become a bit highly strung if things don't follow their schedule/plans/desires..
is this you?

anyway.. mine are random thoughts..no offense meant and if they are off the mark.. fuggeddaboutem.

[Reluctance]

RHL. Call up friends. Good friends. Friends who you trust, and who will tolerate you being silly at any hour. Ask them to be your sponsors.

I've been through that, where the emotions are running high and the one thing you never want to do is lose the other person. But in this case, this Logan dude either has no idea how to have a proper adult relationship, or is using you. You need outside parties you can talk to when emotions run hot, so you don't fall back on being foolish with him. The other alternative is allowing yourself to fall into the same cycle, where the same poison starts to seep in.

Don't try to logic your way out of this all on your own. The specific details honestly don't matter so much. (I have photos of me doing fun things with exes. I have photos of me doing fun things with other people I like. What's the wrong?) The issue is that the two of you simply do not have a healthy dynamic. You need third parties who can be more objective - again, friends - who can help remind you of that simple fact.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Welp.
He blew off the talk.

I pretty much just texted him and asked him if he loved me anymore, and, if he didn't, to please bugger off.

[Castaras]

*hugs*

It's awful when that happens. You have my sympathy. Make sure you eat copious amounts of chocolate and/or icecream.

[Pyromancer999]

*hugs*

It's awful when that happens. You have my sympathy. Make sure you eat copious amounts of chocolate and/or icecream.

Actually, while that is the traditional route, the process actually just sedates the feelings for a little while, then makes the feelings come back and seem more extreme than they were. I'd recommend a workout, for a sort of runner's high you can get from that. That way, you feel better then don't crash really after the high wears off, plus you get back at the other person(sort of) by looking better than you were with them. Boxing tends to work best for breakup workouts, or so I'm informed. So I'd advise to just try to get over that guy and box/workout to help the process, RabbitHole.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Ughh, I hate running- even for my short stint in the military, I never felt that runner's high. Only the urge to die

So, um, final update- he said he still cared but that things were different, in a bad way. I pretty much told him he still owed me his half of Mike's birthday present (that I paid for myself) and that he'd never have to see me again.
Cried for a few hours.
Now I just kinda feel numb

[Reluctance]

There's something I like to call sherbet sex. It's that rage-filled nakedness where you just want a warm body to get the taste of your ex out of your system.

I selflessly volunteer.

Seriously, though? Do get in touch with friends who can help mop up some of that rage, even if it just means listening to you vent. You need some time to clear your system. Definitely take a break from dating for a while. You sound like someone who spends little downtime between relationships, which means a lot of rebounding. The point being, you're going to be sorely tempted to do stupid things during this period. Realize that your friends are more objective than you, that they do care about you (or at least recognize which friends have proven that they care about you and can be trusted implicitly), and that bouncing ideas off of them right now will save you some grief and get you back on your feet faster.

[dehro]

Actually, while that is the traditional route, the process actually just sedates the feelings for a little while, then makes the feelings come back and seem more extreme than they were. I'd recommend a workout, for a sort of runner's high you can get from that. That way, you feel better then don't crash really after the high wears off, plus you get back at the other person(sort of) by looking better than you were with them. Boxing tends to work best for breakup workouts, or so I'm informed. So I'd advise to just try to get over that guy and box/workout to help the process, RabbitHole.

there's a massive flaw in your reasoning right there:
there is always more icecream.

[Castaras]

there's a massive flaw in your reasoning right there:
there is always more icecream.

And also, when you're depressed after such a thing happening, it is much easier to stuff yourself with chocolate and ice cream to help soften the initial blow.

And Chocolate / Ice Cream is better than the normal alternative people use; the dreaded alcohol.

[The Succubus]

I've been going through something similiar, hun. A few posts back I said that my ex had broken off all contact with me; well, last Wednesday she got in touch. We talked for a bit about how she was doing with her new job and new home....and then she told me she was seeing someone. A friend she had introduced me to. We chatted a little while longer before I logged for the night and the next morning I was in a depressive funk I hadn't felt in ten years. It was a full-course buffet of negative emotions - anger, sadness, despair with a special guest appearence by seething jealousy. I guess on some level I'd been hoping we'd get back together.

I was fortunate when I PM'd a very special friend on here and she gave me some advice and encouragement. One of the things she did mention was that keeping yourself busy was a good way to take your mind off things.

In my case, I hadn't been to the gym for about 6-8 months. Usually, after finishing work, I'd come home and log on so that we could talk (it was a LDR) and I'd make up excuses why I wouldn't go. Now that I don't have anyone waiting at home for me, I'm taking the opportunity to take care of myself.

So take some Rabbit-time to look after yourself. Do things you normally wouldn't do because of a shortage of time or money and seize by the throat the things the world damn well owes you.

In the meantime, *gives a big squishy hug*



@Reluctance: "Sherbert Sex" - an intriguing idea, yet sadly I don't know of any sweetshops* in my neck of the woods.

* Not that I'd be *buying* sherbert. It's just a name for the place where I'd get sherbert from. Boy, I really murdered that metaphor, didn't I? >.>

[sktarq]

Ughh, I hate running...
Cried for a few hours.
Now I just kinda feel numb

A few ideas. . . . One: If you never have had a runner's high (well that's unfortunate) may I recomend a trip via car. Just get the hell out of dodge for a day even. Id say take friends but you know yourself beter than we do and sometimes a designated time to weep, scream, mourn what you had etc. Go do those things then come back to your life. Take time to work through your emotions instead of just subverting them by madly DOING STUFF DOING STUFF DOING STUFF. It can help things not be lost as well as I find helps to prevent those emotions popping up at unoppertune times.
Try the shooting range if you don't like running. It requires a good mix emotional control (which messes up aim) while letting off emotional energy for alot of people. Just bring a friend that makes you laugh.
I have to agree with the whole take some time for yourself theme mentioned above. Though as much as anything I'd say don't worry about looking and going on three dates type. It's obvious that you are smart, attractive, etc enough that finding a guy (or girl if you want a change up) wouldn't be hard for you, but you don't need to go out hunting for one. They will find you as long as you leave your house.

[RabbitHoleLost]

A few ideas. . . . One: If you never have had a runner's high (well that's unfortunate) may I recomend a trip via car. Just get the hell out of dodge for a day even. Id say take friends but you know yourself beter than we do and sometimes a designated time to weep, scream, mourn what you had etc. Go do those things then come back to your life. Take time to work through your emotions instead of just subverting them by madly DOING STUFF DOING STUFF DOING STUFF. It can help things not be lost as well as I find helps to prevent those emotions popping up at unoppertune times.
Try the shooting range if you don't like running. It requires a good mix emotional control (which messes up aim) while letting off emotional energy for alot of people. Just bring a friend that makes you laugh.
I have to agree with the whole take some time for yourself theme mentioned above. Though as much as anything I'd say don't worry about looking and going on three dates type. It's obvious that you are smart, attractive, etc enough that finding a guy (or girl if you want a change up) wouldn't be hard for you, but you don't need to go out hunting for one. They will find you as long as you leave your house.

sktarq, you are the best
And I missed your awesomeness while you were gone.

[wadledo]

Ughh, I hate running- even for my short stint in the military, I never felt that runner's high. Only the urge to die

Also, it's important to remember that runners high is really only when you run a lot.
I get athletes high when I bike more than 20 miles, and this is only because I bike at least 10 miles a day, if not more.

[INoKnowNames]

Wow.

After really reading the last few stories, I feel like dirt for even thinking of wanting to ask for advice for my incredibly minor situation....

[Logic]

Wow.

After really reading the last few stories, I feel like dirt for even thinking of wanting to ask for advice for my incredibly minor situation....

No problem is too minor to ask for help. The more of us that hear your problem, the more likely you will receive some kind of good advice. It's up to you to take a step forward and ask for help, and recognize the good advice from the bad. We are all here for you! That's what this thread is for.

[Sholos]

So. How does one stop thinking about relationships entirely?

[Castaras]

So. How does one stop thinking about relationships entirely?

Occupy yourself with other things. Concentrate on making yourself happy through your own actions rather than trying to make yourself happy through someone else.

You'll never stop thinking about them entirely. But if you keep yourself occupied with your hobbies (and if you don't have any - pick some up! Computer gaming at the very least is a hobby that's fun to pursue) you'll lessen the impact the thoughts have on you.

Basically, go out there and enjoy yourself, and don't worry about it. Harder than it sounds, yep, but that's pretty much all there is to it.

[INoKnowNames]

No problem is too minor to ask for help. The more of us that hear your problem, the more likely you will receive some kind of good advice. It's up to you to take a step forward and ask for help, and recognize the good advice from the bad. We are all here for you! That's what this thread is for.

I get that. The first step for me in fixing the hardest problems in my life has been to reach out and accept needing help in the first place.

It just feels so hard to be so selfish as to ask for help when you realise so many people are having problems that would have broken someone like yourself in two... Why should you worry about little things when there are people with genuine problems that are actually relevant?

Heck, I don't even have a problem, so much as being unsure of my next steps:

Spoiler

Show

So, a little while ago, I noted that I was going to be going on my first date ever.

A little backstory on that: I've been going to church for the first time in years since the begining of this year, as part of my quest to fix my life and better myself. While there, I met a girl. She's a bit shy, and quirky. In many ways, like myself. We get along pretty good if I do say so. Though just as an aquaintance at the time.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Our church group had a little beach party. She and I hung out a bit (mostly initiatied by me, helping her practice how to swim). A good halfway through the night, I realise that I'm incredibly interested in her. I work up some courage, and ask her for her facebook. She gives it to me. Friend requests exchanged and accepted.

That monday, we meet again. Just as part of our regular church meetings. I somehow manage to work up the courage to ask her out. It was somewhat silly/awkward on both parts, including me outright blutting that I thought she was cute and was surprised that she hadn't met anyone before, followed by face palming and going to my knees for a second.

We're both a bit silly, though I'd say I'm significantly more outgoing/weird than she is. Doesn't seem to ruin my chances, though, since she does send me her number, and we text for a bit.

The first date came and went. I fought -valiantly- against silence, making sure to ask and answer some questions to pass the time while driving, and doing my best to be a gentleman and listen. The night goes rather positively, though here comes the important part:

Because she's so young (19 to my 21), and because she's never been in a relationship before, she's not sure about trying to enter one now, still trying to figure out God's path for her. Furthermore, because some of her "friends" in the past turned out to be a bit untrustworthy, her shyness and such has her a bit guarded (though we really did have a nice time talking). And because school is coming up and she's moving to an apartment for said school, she's not sure of how the year is going to go, and doesn't want to say "Yes" only for something to happen and the answer change to "No".

I'm sure one or two other people are going to suggest more about fish in the sea and such, and say that I don't know what's special just yet, but I can tell; she's special. I've spent quite a bit of my life learning how to seperate the diamonds from the coal, and I'm certain I've found a real gem. Even my parents thought she was a winner (and after the people my brother and sister have dragged into the house, let alone who I have, they know how to call it).

I want to do everything in my power to earn her, so to speak, even if it means waiting until next summer for us to really be able to hang out together, since summer time is mainly when she's free. I don't want her to forget about me and move on, so I want to keep talking with her throughout the year, and I hope to visit her while we're both in college.

But I'm not sure how much is too much, and I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her away. A semi paranoid thought occurs: what might be some warning signs that I've done far too much more than one should have already, especially for having just passed our first date?

[Reluctance]

So. How does one stop thinking about relationships entirely?

Get married. Have kids. Shrieking rugrats and regular fights about money do a lot to kill your desires.

Getting to that point from where you are is admittedly a catch-22. Might I suggest mail order?

Spoiler

Show

It just feels so hard to be so selfish as to ask for help when you realise so many people are having problems that would have broken someone like yourself in two... Why should you worry about little things when there are people with genuine problems that are actually relevant?

Caca. Sktarq's post is admittedly on the extreme end of crazy girl drama, but everything else here is bog-standard breakup messiness. Yes, it all sucks. It's an expected part of the territory nonetheless.

The first date came and went. I fought -valiantly- against silence, making sure to ask and answer some questions to pass the time while driving, and doing my best to be a gentleman and listen. The night goes rather positively, though here comes the important part:

...

not sure of how the year is going to go, and doesn't want to say "Yes" only for something to happen and the answer change to "No".

Find out what it's like when a girl is actually interested/attracted. Having to extract conversation from her with that much effort is not part of the package.

I want to do everything in my power to earn her, so to speak, even if it means waiting until next summer for us to really be able to hang out together, since summer time is mainly when she's free. I don't want her to forget about me and move on, so I want to keep talking with her throughout the year, and I hope to visit her while we're both in college.

But I'm not sure how much is too much, and I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her away. A semi paranoid thought occurs: what might be some warning signs that I've done far too much more than one should have already, especially for having just passed our first date?

That you think you have to earn the girl is a big hint. Real life works rather differently from a ninety movie. If you absolutely must, [500] Days of Summer at least highlights how you don't always "win" the girl, and how life does move on after.

I've spent quite a bit of my life learning how to seperate the diamonds from the coal, and I'm certain I've found a real gem.

...

So, a little while ago, I noted that I was going to be going on my first date ever.

Does not compute.

[The Succubus]

I get that. The first step for me in fixing the hardest problems in my life has been to reach out and accept needing help in the first place.

It just feels so hard to be so selfish as to ask for help when you realise so many people are having problems that would have broken someone like yourself in two... Why should you worry about little things when there are people with genuine problems that are actually relevant?

Heck, I don't even have a problem, so much as being unsure of my next steps:

Spoiler

Show

So, a little while ago, I noted that I was going to be going on my first date ever.

A little backstory on that: I've been going to church for the first time in years since the begining of this year, as part of my quest to fix my life and better myself. While there, I met a girl. She's a bit shy, and quirky. In many ways, like myself. We get along pretty good if I do say so. Though just as an aquaintance at the time.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Our church group had a little beach party. She and I hung out a bit (mostly initiatied by me, helping her practice how to swim). A good halfway through the night, I realise that I'm incredibly interested in her. I work up some courage, and ask her for her facebook. She gives it to me. Friend requests exchanged and accepted.

That monday, we meet again. Just as part of our regular church meetings. I somehow manage to work up the courage to ask her out. It was somewhat silly/awkward on both parts, including me outright blutting that I thought she was cute and was surprised that she hadn't met anyone before, followed by face palming and going to my knees for a second.

We're both a bit silly, though I'd say I'm significantly more outgoing/weird than she is. Doesn't seem to ruin my chances, though, since she does send me her number, and we text for a bit.

The first date came and went. I fought -valiantly- against silence, making sure to ask and answer some questions to pass the time while driving, and doing my best to be a gentleman and listen. The night goes rather positively, though here comes the important part:

Because she's so young (19 to my 21), and because she's never been in a relationship before, she's not sure about trying to enter one now, still trying to figure out God's path for her. Furthermore, because some of her "friends" in the past turned out to be a bit untrustworthy, her shyness and such has her a bit guarded (though we really did have a nice time talking). And because school is coming up and she's moving to an apartment for said school, she's not sure of how the year is going to go, and doesn't want to say "Yes" only for something to happen and the answer change to "No".

I'm sure one or two other people are going to suggest more about fish in the sea and such, and say that I don't know what's special just yet, but I can tell; she's special. I've spent quite a bit of my life learning how to seperate the diamonds from the coal, and I'm certain I've found a real gem. Even my parents thought she was a winner (and after the people my brother and sister have dragged into the house, let alone who I have, they know how to call it).

I want to do everything in my power to earn her, so to speak, even if it means waiting until next summer for us to really be able to hang out together, since summer time is mainly when she's free. I don't want her to forget about me and move on, so I want to keep talking with her throughout the year, and I hope to visit her while we're both in college.

But I'm not sure how much is too much, and I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her away. A semi paranoid thought occurs: what might be some warning signs that I've done far too much more than one should have already, especially for having just passed our first date?

My advice? Treat a date with her in the same way you spend the evening with a friend - laughs, good food, films/games/whathaveyou. If there is chemistry it'll evolve naturally - don't try to force it and you won't have to worry about going overboard. Cuddling on the sofa with a good (not romantic) film on in the background is a great way to pass an evening and kisses, etc may develop from that.

If you go out of your way to try to do the perfect romantic evening, you'll be stressed the entire time and neither of you will have much fun.

In a nutshell - see your friend and let the "girl-" bit come in its own due time. A little bit of light, flirty banter won't hurt either.

[INoKnowNames]

Spoiler

Show

Caca. Sktarq's post is admittedly on the extreme end of crazy girl drama, but everything else here is bog-standard breakup messiness. Yes, it all sucks. It's an expected part of the territory nonetheless.

Reluctance, you sound kinda... hard. Keep that up, please. Hard words are usually worth their weight in gold.

Find out what it's like when a girl is actually interested/attracted. Having to extract conversation from her with that much effort is not part of the package.

I might have overemphasized the wrong parts.

In the past, whenever I've tried even remotely hanging out with people who's opinion I valued, be it someone I respect or someone I like, I lose the ability to speak properly. Nervousness kicks in, and everything gets dry, and it becomes impossible for me to break out of it on my own. I had to practice a bit that day to keep from locking up that night. Whether or not she has such similar problems is to be seen, but I know that it takes a bit of work to get the confidence needed to maintain a conversation properly on my end.

As for the future, who really knows what life's going to swing your way? I don't blame her for her opinion. A year ago, I still had a grandmother, didn't recognise my birth Mother's face, weighed 30 more pounds of fat, and still thought I was destined to burn in hell for my sins. Of course things change, and with 10 credit hours of College and 40 hours of work per week coming up, I wasn't expecting to do too much in the short term to be perfectly honest.

I'm not looking for short term, though. While I work on upgrading myself and pointing my life in a decent dirrection, I would like someone willing to make that journey with me. Even if I'm far too young for now, so long as I don't neglect the rest of my life for it, I don't see anything wrong with keeping an eye out for someone that makes me feel good and could help me on my life's path.

That you think you have to earn the girl is a big hint. Real life works rather differently from a ninety movie. If you absolutely must, [500] Days of Summer at least highlights how you don't always "win" the girl, and how life does move on after.

I suppose I can add that to the list of pop-culture I need to investigate. I was stuck on the Super Nintendo in the 90s, not watching movies. Earning the girl was a mindset because the good ones don't usually come easy, and the few that I've come across that were good, I sabotaged myself over and lost.

It could very well be that the right one will come across, and other than continuing to strive for self perfection as I've been doing, I might not have to do anything else to win her. But I'm not adverse to putting in a bit of effort for someone worth it, either.

I've sorta always been raised that the special someone would be a decent person. And that because of this, I should bring my absolute best to be with said someone. That thinking isn't too terribly flawed, is it?

Does not compute.

I guess I see what you mean there! I'm not sure the best way to explain it.

I hadn't dated in highschool and such for several reasons: When I was young, I grew up with trash, and I didn't want to link myself to it. As mentioned earlier, some of those that weren't trash, I screwed myself on. There were lots of ways such dating would and could go wrong, ways I tried to keep friends out of (and failing, only taking their examples to avoid those mistakes). And most importantly, I wasn't ready myself to do so, which is why I mainly hung out casually with people.

I've hung around a lot of people of various calibur; some who were trash and draged my life down a bit, some that were destined for better things and who helped inspire me to do to better, and others that were like me, somewhere in the middle. It's hard to be able to tell quickly, but after a while, the ability to determine where a person's character lies is eventually aquired, even if it isn't perfect and can be fooled.

Even when it comes to romance, such things can eventually be made clear, though lots of people, possibly including myself, are blind in such situations. I figured out a little bit of what I did want in a partner through the experiences I have had. I know, at the very least, what I want to avoid, and what I want to look for.

And honestly, other than worrying about what I might do wrong, I've yet to come up with a reason to doubt trying for this.

I probably made that much more confusing than need be.

My advice? Treat a date with her in the same way you spend the evening with a friend - laughs, good food, films/games/whathaveyou. If there is chemistry it'll evolve naturally - don't try to force it and you won't have to worry about going overboard. Cuddling on the sofa with a good (not romantic) film on in the background is a great way to pass an evening and kisses, etc may develop from that.

If you go out of your way to try to do the perfect romantic evening, you'll be stressed the entire time and neither of you will have much fun.

In a nutshell - see your friend and let the "girl-" bit come in its own due time. A little bit of light, flirty banter won't hurt either.

..... That's kinda how our last couple of reindevous went, actually.

Spoiler

Show

We first met at the game night our church had this past summer. Kinda bonded then a bit. It was fun and all, we had a good time #the entire group#, and she and I learned a bit about each other. I suppose that's how the door got opened a bit for our next encounter.

The beach party started out -completely- innocently, I swear. I had absolutely no intention of trying to get further in contact with her than I already had that day. I just found that she couldn't swim kinda odd, so I resolved to help fix that. I didn't think I'd enjoy trying to teach her as much as I did...

For the date in question, I had us spend a few hours at an arcade to relax a bit. With me working almost full time and her getting ready to move to her college, we both enjoyed unwinding a bit. She beats the -PANTS- off of me at Air Hockey! But watching her try to flail the guns around at the shooters was cute.

I knew once I got there, I'd be fine, needing only to remember to be considerate. It was mainly on the way there that I was worried I'd have forgotten my bridge and be unable to support a conversation. But I managed to keep the ice shattered.

[sktarq]

So. How does one stop thinking about relationships entirely?

Scolipmine. . . Colombian drug from the seeds of trumpet flower. Destroys free will, memory etc but not ability to act.
On a much less expensive/healthy/sane idea. Why do you not want to think about relationships? As in don't want to be in one? Don't want to deal with the entire issue (which could be tough if your friend like having relationships)? How to avoid thinking about a specific present or past relationship? The question leaves much latitude for interpretation.

RHL: *Hug* thank you. You are one of the reasons I do eventually make my way back.

[Sholos]

Mostly I just want to stop worrying about romantic notions.

[Reluctance]

Question. How left-hand path are you willing to go?