Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

[Mystic Muse]

also in aisle five with small, medium, Large, Huge, colossal and gargantuan.

[Meg]

also in aisle five with small, medium, Large, Huge, colossal and gargantuan.

I'd actually recommend buying smaller sizes. An immunity to Squick builds up pretty fast 'round these parts.

[Water-Smurf]

*Sigh of relief* Back to normal length, not scary V/Rc.

I'll admit, I miss the scary stuff.

Guys, the story title translates to 'Curse of the God of Nightmares'. I'm not done screwing with the characters yet.

Anyway, while I'm working on the general plot sketch-up of my new story, the chapter of the current one, and the editing of the next in the Latin Series, I need some opinions and feedback. I'm good with keeping people in character, but I suck at actually making characters. Loath to make any one-dimensional or, even worse, Mary-sue characters, I need some help working out Tiasal. I need to know what impressions you got of her in the story and how you think she would grow and develop--I have some ideas of how I want her to turn out, but I need help to make her realistic.

Go wild. Pull her apart, build her up, spit on her, I'll consider it all. I want to make someone who is sympathetic and likable not just because of who she is related to or what has happened to her, but in her own right.

[Cracklord]

Bahamut/Tiamat. or if that won't work even squickier.

Tiamat/Juiblex.

That's not squicky, it's in fact likely.

Now Asmodeas and the Authority, that would be interesting.

[Aaron]

OOTS Bodyswap fic, Part 3!

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‘But ROYYYYYY!’ Belkar groans, taking the smallest steps possible down the path, ‘I have to!’

‘NO!’ Roy sets Elan’s pretty features into his sternest because-I’m-the-party-leader-that’s-why expression.

‘But – ’

‘I don’t care!’. Roy casts a look over his shoulder to where the rest of the party are lagging along behind, and raises his voice so they can all hear him. ‘We can’t trust you not to do anything horrible if we let you go off by yourself, Haley’s in no state to keep an eye on you and in any case’ – his voice is shooting up in pitch again – ‘NOBODY is going to the bathroom until we all get turned back, and that’s final!’

Belkar whimpers softly. ‘Roy, I can’t believe I’m the one saying this to you, but be reasonable! It’s at least half a day’s walk back to the village! And I’m telling you, this is way more uncomfortable from this side of the fence – I don’t know how chicks stand lining up for bathrooms all the time without getting stabby.’

Roy refuses to answer, glaring straight ahead into the distance. He has a horrible feeling that the halfling has a point, and that’s what scares him most of all in this whole situation.

‘Anyway,’ Belkar glares ‘I don’t really see how you’re going to stop me.’ Spinning around, he extends one of Haley’s long legs and jumps off the path, tearing away into the undergrowth. With a growl of annoyance, Roy sets off after him. Haley and Elan are both fast runners, and it’s oddly enjoyable to be able to move so lightly and quickly, an experience Roy hasn’t had since he was around fourteen.

‘You’ll never catch me, Greenhilt!’

‘You keep telling yourself that, Belkar.’

‘And even if you do, 5gp says the chick can totally beat up the bard!’

Hmm. Roy’s actually always sort of wondered about that himself. He suspects that again, Belkar might have a point, and is so caught off-guard by this happening twice in one morning that he’s too distracted to notice his quarry shinning up the nearest tree.

‘UURRGH!’. He does, however, notice when about 170 pounds of fully-grown human female, armour and pack drop directly onto his head. Combat reflexes taking over, Roy twists and bucks, hooking his hands into Haley’s long red hair, and the two of them go rolling over and over through the undergrowth.

‘ROY, stop – OW – being such a – DAMMIT – jerk! I’m not gonna – AARGH! – do anything to Haley’s – QUIT IT! – body! At least not anything worse that you’re doing to it right now!’

‘GET OFF ME, you horrible disgusting – AARGH – I’m gonna turn us back, and then I’m gonna kill you, and none of the rest of the party will blame me for one – OWW, STOP IT!’.

Apparently, Roy now owes Belkar five gold. Somehow, the halfling has ended up sitting on Roy’s chest, fists digging into his – well, Elan’s – collarbone. Both of them are sweaty and flushed from the running and fighting, and Belkar’s hair has tumbled loose around his – Haley’s – shoulders due to the hair-pulling. Belkar can feel the man’s chest heaving under his hands, and Roy is painfully conscious of the weight of the long, heavily-muscled legs wrapped around his upper body. Their heartbeats. Glittering green eyes meet sparkling blue, and just for a moment, it’s the most unsettling thing either of them have ever –

‘Unhand my friend, you fiend!’

Belkar leaps up as though he’s been Fireballed as Vaarsuvius bursts onto the scene and launches hirself at them with all the halfling speed and viciousness that should rightly belong to Belkar himself. The elf realises mid-spring that ze is not actually sure which member of the party ze should be attacking, then appears to make a split-second decision, Tumbles in mid-air and goes for Roy.

‘For shame, Sir Greenhilt! How can you allow the halfling to goad you into causing harm to Miss Starshine?’

Roy puts up his hands, ineffectively trying to swat V away. ‘I’m sorry! I let him get me mad, that’s all!’.

Haley’s face has turned completely white, and Belkar looks oddly shaken as the elf turns to scold him. ‘Hey, I didn’t mean for that to happen! But he was being a jerk, he wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom, and –’.

If only they had a camera. The expression on Belkar’s twisted clever-ugly little face as V pulls one of hir trademark purse-mouthed ‘I’m-about-to-launch-into-a-three-hour-lecture’ faces is absolutely priceless.

‘Sir Greenhilt. Much as it pains me to acknowledge it, the halfling does indeed have a point. I am afraid you do Miss Starshine no favours if you force Belkar to neglect the needs of her physical body, and since we have – ’

‘Um,’ the look of embarrassment is totally uncharacteristic for either Belkar or Haley. ‘Um, don’t worry about it, Ears. I sort of, um, I think I don’t wanna -- I mean, I don't need to go any more.’

The elf looks sceptical. ‘Very well then. I suggest that we cease this foolishness, and return to the rest of the party forthwith. Come along.’

Without thinking, Belkar puts out a hand to help Roy to his feet, and then jumps away again as his heart gives another almighty lurch when their fingers brush. ‘Oh, man. Oh man, oh man, oh no. This is too disgusting.’

Roy shuts his eyes grimly as he sets off behind V. ‘I don’t like it any better than you do, Belkar.’

Both of them are walking slightly oddly as they proceed back to the rest of the party: Roy thanks all the powers that be for the chainmail tunic that conceals the reason for his odd gait, while Belkar is just happy that dark brown leather doesn't show any kind of damp. The halfling insists on walking the whole way with his head turned sideways in order to avoid the sight of Elan’s butt as Roy walks in front of him, while Roy does the journey with one hand over his face to keep the smell of Haley’s clean hair and warm leather armour out of his nose. When they rejoin the party they split by unspoken mutual consent to the rear and the front of the group respectively, putting as much distance as possible between themselves.

‘How much longer do we have to go, Durkon?’

Durkon, who has politely insisted on giving Elan a ‘break’ from guiding Haley along the path, speaks up. ‘It’s nae even lunchtime yet, sae I’d sae a good few hours yet, lad’.

Roy closes his eyes, sighs deeply, and comes to a decision. ‘Right. I didn’t want to do this, and I don’t even know if it will work, but I’m afraid it's reached the point where we have to take any advantage we can. Elan?’

A clank of armour behind him tells him that the bard is there. ‘Yes, Roy?’

‘I know your voice is gone, but do you think you can still play your lute?’

Elan fishes in his pack for a few moments, pulls out the instrument, and runs the strings under his fingers. There are a few clumsy notes as his hands adjust to being smaller and thicker, but thankfully the shape of the music is still there.

‘Alright, then. Here goes nothing!’

Desperately, frantically, hoping for any magical edge the party can scrape together, Roy opens his mouth and begins to sing. The result is actually a little frightening. Ever since he was little, Roy has never tried to sing anything more complicated than holiday carols and the Fighting and Drinking Song of Bash U. But now, here it is, easy as speaking, easy as breathing – Elan’s beautiful light tenor voice rolls out of his throat, filling the forest clearing with music. And he can feel it – comfort and cheer stealing into everyone’s hearts, even his own, the music giving them courage to move on even through the horror and weirdness of this very horrible and weird day. After he finishes the first chorus, Roy turns to the others, motioning to Elan not to stop playing.

‘Everybody, all together this time. You know what to do!’.

Surprisingly, Haley is the first to join in from under the cloak. No-one can remember ever having heard V sing, but the elf’s voice is a husky, soft contralto, picking up the melody and carrying it along. Durkon joins them in Roy’s rumbling baritone, looking surprised and pleased to have suddenly acquired a singing voice. Belkar pitches in with Haley’s thin, crystalline soprano and doesn’t even change the words to say anything appalling, and V sings counterpoint in Belkar’s slightly deeper tenor, dipping and weaving around Roy’s melody, halfling voice wielded with elven skill. Finally, even Elan himself starts up, softly so as not to disturb the others, blending Durkon’s harsh tuneless croak into the melody as best he can. They walk along the path, singing together, united in a simple yet heartfelt prayer:

‘Remember, remember, remember, remember who we are!’

To be continued...

Nice story again, esmerelder. Great details!

[Mystic Muse]

what ISN'T squicky about a five headed Dragon ****** an ooze?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Uhm...Do you guys like my new crack-fic?

[Cracklord]

what ISN'T squicky about a five headed Dragon ****** an ooze?

Oh, it's disgusting, but it's practically a given that gods and Demonlords get around, so hardly surprising.

[Sstoopidtallkid]

Oh, it's disgusting, but it's practically a given that gods and Demonlords get around, so hardly surprising.

Not necessarily disgusting. An ooze is basically a tentacle monster, and we already know people like Dragons a bit much, so 5-headed Dragon/Ooze is probably good for someone.

[Mystic Muse]

Uhm...Do you guys like my new crack-fic?

Yes. yes I do. except for the little accident but that's why this is a crack pairings thread.

[Saeyan]

esmerelder, CoffeeIncluded, both your stories were great fun to read. This thread needs more funny, methinks. I'd write some, but...

P.S. Hurray, V is a contralto!

[Mystic Muse]

why does Xykon hugging V look so **** cute?

[Zanaril]

why does Xykon hugging V look so **** cute?

Because I decided it should be? It adds to the crackiness.

Guys, the story title translates to 'Curse of the God of Nightmares'. I'm not done screwing with the characters yet.

Yay! ohgreatelvengodswhyamisuchahorribleperson

and the editing of the next in the Latin Series,

Why do you tease me so with all these tantalizing hints?

I'm good with keeping people in character, but I suck at actually making characters. Loath to make any one-dimensional or, even worse, Mary-sue characters, I need some help working out Tiasal. I need to know what impressions you got of her in the story and how you think she would grow and develop--I have some ideas of how I want her to turn out, but I need help to make her realistic.

The first impression of her is that she finds it important to be able to solve problems on her own (now who does that remind me of? ), and she values that independance to the point where she'd try to struggle through things by herself even if appealing to a higher authority (Eg. her parents/guardians) would be easier. This is probably part of the lack of trust you mentioned, that she has no confidence in the 'adults' to be able to put everything right, or even not to tell outright lies. I also get the idea that, if she did start to trust someone, she'd end up unwaveringly loyal to them. Since she's only a child it's likely that some of the time her independance would end up making problems worse, if only because she isn't told the whole picture or isn't in a position to understand things she'd need to know. But unless she find out why things went wrong, that would only encourage her to try harder next time.

PS: Hinjo asking Aandy if he was V's spouse was oddly hilarious.

[Iranon]

Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?

I see a lot of potential there. Both characters are passionate about their chosen profession. Both make no attempt to hide their harsh edges. Both favour extreme - and often violent - measures to deal with problems that need fixing. Both are polite and professional when warranted, neither suffers fools gladly and both can get rather abrasive.
These tendencies can easily alienate the nice, and they lack the malice to get along with the naughty (although V can and does play that game very well). I don't see a madly-in-love-rip-each-others-clothes-off style chemistry without strong external stimuli (I trust the Crack Pairings team to throw enough at them that they lose their usual decorum...).
However... a relationship grounded in mutual respect, a feeling of solidarity and tender moments when either opens up? Certainly.

[Kaytara]

Cracklord, Esmerelder, CoffeeIncluded, great stories. :D I really like Cracklord's take on Belkar, it seemed believable, and the snippet of Durkon at the end makes me want to find out more. Esmerelder's and CoffeeIncluded's stories were a great fun to read, and I'm looking forward to more. :D

Water-Smurf, you just love teasing us, don't you? :D

[Closak]

Not necessarily disgusting. An ooze is basically a tentacle monster, and we already know people like Dragons a bit much, so 5-headed Dragon/Ooze is probably good for someone.

Hawt.

Damn, now i want to see Tiamat getting it on with the IFCC.

[Zanaril]

Hawt.

Damn, now i want to see Tiamat getting it on with the IFCC.

How about the IFCC x Tiamat x All the dragons killed by Familicide who are in the afterlife?

"She wants us to do what to show we're sorry?"

[Closak]

Oh hell YES!

I would love to read that.

I am now officially begging on my bare knees that someone writes this.

[Zanaril]

Oh hell YES!

I would love to read that.

I am now officially begging on my bare knees that someone writes this.

Sorry, I'm busy writing a short VxHaleyxV story at the moment.

Hey, maybe I'll draw you something later.

[Closak]

Ah man.

*Imagines Quarr getting banged by a Huge dragon and getting squashed*
*Snickers maniacally*

Nearly spat Soda all over the monitor there.

[Saeyan]

Sorry, I'm busy writing a short VxHaleyxV story at the moment.

..................!!!!!!!!!!!!

/brain explodes

Stop torturing me, Zanaril!

On another note, 1) are we actually having the Crackies and 2) when is the deadline, if any, because I'll be going abroad for a couple of weeks (with no access to drawing materials or a computer ) in a few days.

Edit On another another note, I just noticed I've graduated from Pixie to Halfling. As a result of that I now have a sudden need to re-post my first post on a forum in a couple of years.

Curse you, fellow frequenters of this thread. My lurker status has been sullied forever.

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Um, hey everyone. I've been a sort-of longtime (well, not that long, but long enough) lurker around these forums, but I'm not all that into posting. Anyhow, I was thinking of posting this under the fanart threads, but since it's related to this thread, here goes.

Zanaril's fic has been so win that I have found myself doodling V and Z at random. Here is the result of me actually having a camera on hand to capture one of them.

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I hope I got the androgyny down. I was intending for Zz'dtri to look male, but it somehow got borked and he looks like an anorexic little she-drow now. Whoops.

So thank you, Zanaril, for making me go 'aww' over two characters that I had never imagined together. Please, can we have some more?

Of course, a big thanks (actually, I'm not sure about that - I have already used up three economy-size bottles of Brain Bleach) to everyone who's posted their stories in here as well. Thank you for bringing laughter and "wtf was that?!"s to myself and everyone else!

Edit: And of course, Fiddler, for starting this thread in the first place!

And that concludes my first, and probably last post, on these forums. Goodbye!

/slinks back off to Lurkerland

BAHAHAHAHAHA

[The Dark Fiddler]

Sorry, I'm busy writing a short VxHaleyxV story at the moment.

The idea of this sounds entertaining enough.

I cannot wait.

[Meg]

Go wild. Pull her apart, build her up, spit on her, I'll consider it all. I want to make someone who is sympathetic and likable not just because of who she is related to or what has happened to her, but in her own right.

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Tiasal distrusts adults. This translates later in life to a disdain of and distrust of authority figures. She views people in charge as not necessarily bad, but weak, and unable to make real changes for good. This doesn't mean she's an anarchist or insane, she just prefers to govern herself.

Because of this, I really don't see her becoming a divine caster. The essence of a religious life is devotion to a higher power, which I just don't see as her style. I also think the reliance on rules and structure necessary to wizardry as something she'd be interested in. I can see more as a rogue or sorcerer.

In my mind, you'd have to get up pretty early to get something past her. She's observant, and good at reading people. She trusts her gut, and once she has formed an opinion of you, changing it will not be an easy task. If you betray her in any way, there's simply nothing you can do to earn her forgiveness. She's stubborn, set in her ways, and independent. She'd rather abandon a task entirely than admit weakness and ask for help. She's very aware of when others need help, though, and will fight violently for those she is loyal to.

She's not above using underhanded methods to get what she or her allies want, but for the most part, holds herself to a strict moral code. She doesn't see anything wrong with, for instance, stealing from a rich man, but wouldn't dream of stealing from an impoverished family, though she's no Robin Hood. She won't go out of her way to help someone, no matter how bad their need is, because she doesn't want to get involved with people. She feels no guilt about this, but if she does break a promise she made, she will feel terrible about it, and attempt to right the wrong, but she won't actually apologize for it.

In the same vein, if there's a law, rule, or authority figure she doesn't agree with, she wouldn't confront them. She'll just continue along her way, ignoring them.

In my mind, she hates confrontation, not because she's eager to keep the peace, but because she doesn't like having to talk to other people. She simply doesn't understand people who say three words when none would do.

Any romantic interest of her's will have to have the patience of a saint, and be willing to get by on very little physical affection.

Holy crap. That was... much longer than I had anticipated. Spoiler'd for length's sake.

[Dark Faun]

...Oh my.

Discord, are you trying to make all the guys on the forum die from massive nosebleed-induced hemorrhaging?

No. If I was, I'd have drawn Miko, Celia, Haley and Haerta in harem outfit.

...

*writes something on to-do list*

Oh, and Roland said it was bad because it looked as if Julia was in a non-consensual situation. Just take out Julia and it should be fine.

Come on. She was perfectly willing. She was even blushing. :p

And here's the censured version, which is also smaller to boot.



Usual notes: save it on your computer, upload it on your own account if you have one, etc.

Uhm...Do you guys like my new crack-fic?

It was good, if a little, well, predictable. Also, I found the part where the worm removes their clothes to be over the top and to remove quite a bit from the humor and story.

I quite frankly can see Miko as one of the few characters willing to both tolerate V's self-interest and focus on other, 'more important', issues.

Plus, does crack need anything beyond 'hot'?

They wouldn't. Then again, thats your avatar.

Well, they have a lot in common. First up, they are very sheltered in terms of sexuality. Second, they are extremely self confident, to the point of total arrogance. And third, they have a tendency to egotism, believing themselves the only ones capable of doing... anything.

Being attracted is easy, all you really need is spend enough time together that you're forced to start to feel affection rather than feel annoyed all the time.

A better question would be why, precisely, they would spend time together.
How's something like this...

V considers Miko a conudrum. Perhaps he wants to understand how someone can have such unshakable confidence in themselves - and act in a manner so similar to him - all without possessing a shred of arcane power - after all, to him that's the only true power. Imagine him ranting to her about his power in an effort to get her to cow down, her only acting more proud in response, and him becoming increasingly puzzled and bewildered.

Miko... let's see.. Let's say she has doubts about V's personality. V scanned as "Not Evil" but she sees him being nothing but harsh, cold, pragmatic and violent (maybe she spots him Exploding Belkar?). Since V technically scans as "Not Evil" and she's under orders to deliver the Order alive if possible, she tries a more cautious approach for once. She tries to get to know V better to determine how high the risk of him turning evil (and thus forcing her Evil-Smiting hand) is. So she tries to pin down his personality, maybe even deliberately trying to provoke him to gauge his control of his darker tendencies.

And of course, at the beginning they both hate each other, as per the canon. :)

Such a premise should provide plenty of opportunity for entertaining conflict and character development that will force them to smooth out their rough edges with each other. And once they start doing that, they can actually get to know each other and realise how much they have in common - such as unshakable confidence in their own abilities, inability to consider the possibility of one's mistake, willingness to go as far as it takes to accomplish one's goals, being quick to anger, being impatient with other peoples' flaws, etc....

Hope that helps a bit. :)

They infuriate each other.

Speaking from experience, that can be enough sometimes.

I see a lot of potential there. Both characters are passionate about their chosen profession. Both make no attempt to hide their harsh edges. Both favour extreme - and often violent - measures to deal with problems that need fixing. Both are polite and professional when warranted, neither suffers fools gladly and both can get rather abrasive.
These tendencies can easily alienate the nice, and they lack the malice to get along with the naughty (although V can and does play that game very well). I don't see a madly-in-love-rip-each-others-clothes-off style chemistry without strong external stimuli (I trust the Crack Pairings team to throw enough at them that they lose their usual decorum...).
However... a relationship grounded in mutual respect, a feeling of solidarity and tender moments when either opens up? Certainly.

Thank you so much, all of you (especially Kaytara :D). It's really helpful. Unfortunately, all of this makes me realize I simply am not skilled enough a writer or a plot crafter to actually do this pairing and all its potential justice. I guess I'll have to stick to banners.

[Kaytara]

While Water-Smurf is stil working on hers, I was inspired to do my own take on Belkar x Vaarsuvius. :D Gods, that was way too much fun to write. :D Typically long, though.

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Freaking hell, it was cold.

Belkar was not, in any sense of the word, a learned halfling. He was concerned with the then and there. Anything that didn't fit he could usually deal with well enough just by using his instincts. Such as having to be quick on your feet when fighting huge monsters, because you could get crushed, or keeping your voice down when on snowy mountains, because the way the sound reverberates really sounds like it could do something nasty if you get too loud.

But this one time, his instincts had led him astray.

It didn't make any freaking sense. How the hell could a place that was so utterly stifling during the day get so cold at night? How did people live here? They'd have to carry shifts of thick and warm as well as thin and loose clothes wherever they went.

He'd heard the others say it would be cold, of course. He'd brushed it off. After all, how “cold” could a desert get?

Well, he sure knew now. Back at the time, the moronic bard had actually asked about it, prompting Ears to go into full-blown lecture mode. Belkar had tuned out immediately, scrunching his face up in disgust and cursing Elan, while the stupid elf had gone on and on about relative humidity, condensation energy and temperature extremes and some guy called Calvin.

Much to his chagrin, Belkar now wished he'd sucked it up and paid attention. The temperature extremes, in particular, could have at least warned him.

Or not. Belkar vaguely remembered hearing a number – again, something about a Calvin, weirdly enough – and registering that it was absurdly high. It couldn't have been temperature.

Who the hell was Calvin, anyway? An old flame of V's? Didn't sound like an elven name, that's for sure. Or did Ears have a thing for humans? Or maybe the elf had just actually cracked? First the raven, now this.

Stupid elf. Wouldn't have done him any good even if he'd listened to him or her or it. Add to that Ears' complete lack of concern for using a Hand spell to dangle Belkar in front of a humongous hungry worm – even after spouting out a percentage number, somewhere in the twenties, of the Hand spell wavering enough for the worm to cause harm to Belkar – and suffice to say there was no love lost between them.

And now Belkar was shivering violently in his tent in the piercing cold of the last night before they reached Girard's Gate, when he should have been soundly asleep, and the sole person to blame was the boring, stupid elf.

Having made up his mind, Belkar abandoned his attempts at warming himself, standing up and stepping out into the cold desert wind whipping at the tent. If he was going to have to steal someone's thicker blanket, it may as well be the elf's. Belkar halted, then briefly went back inside to get his own blanket. He'd stand a better chance of not being busted if he could just switch and run. He left Mr. Scruffy where he was, curled up and asleep in a bundle of the halfling's spare clothes.

Half a minute of careful stealth later – past Roy, who kept watch with his blanket-covered back to the dimming fire, staring dejectedly into the desert night – Belkar lifted the flap and crept into the elf's tent, then froze to take in the surroundings.

He grinned. The elf was trancing on the ground for once, probably to better take advantage of the heavy and very warm-looking wool blanket wrapped around him. His face was blank, set in a shadow of concentration even in rest, eyebrows knitting together ever so slightly, pointed ears sticking out stubbornly through the loose hair that fell down his blanketed back and shoulders in a long purple tangle.

Belkar frowned as he tiptoed around the elf, avoiding the belongings stacked neatly on the floor. While the elf was a heavy enough sleeper that turning him over in the air had been no problem, freeing him from the blanket he was practically tied up in up to his delicate chin was a different matter.

He stared at the stupid elf as if his still features could dispense knowledge and information as readily as they did when the elf was awake. His own blanket was set down at his feet, forgotten for the moment in the face of that problem.

And then, as the halfling – who in his short attention span had more in common with an ordinary house cat than ought to have been possible – peered, scowling in thought, into the elf's face, he gradually forgot what he came for.

While it had felt good, in a familiarity sort of way, to be back with the party, where he could taunt and torment to his heart's leisure, he had also been reminded just why exactly he'd been tempted to kill them all on so many occasions. The elf in particular, and even staring into his resting features he remembered how easily they could morph into that smug "I'm-better-than-you-and-just-made-you-admit-it" smile, the corners of his mouth lifting tightly, eyebrows raised and slanted purple eyes narrowed in fleeting satisfaction, chin tilted up and his arms crossed and his spine erect in some posture that could have been and probably had been invented with the explicit purpose of provoking the absolutely biggest amount of infuriation and made you want to just go and bash that delicate face in with a blunt object.

And, more often than not, that smile had been directed at him. He'd be having trouble getting into whatever evil Afterlife was in store for him just for the absurd amounts of restraint he'd grown used to showing since they'd first met.

Belkar's smiled darkly as he remembered one thing he had been genuinely missing, in a sadomasochistic sort of way – the little prank war between him and Ears. What had made the elf so much fun was that he was the only other person who really wasn't a stickler for the rules. Even better, he wasn't a squealer, to the point of seeming to have an outright compulsion of solving his problems by himself. That, and a bunch of other things meant Belkar could prank away as much as he wanted and V would only ever respond in a way he could totally deal with, rather than stir up trouble by involving Roy.

And yet, he hadn't been able to make the elf angry even once since they'd gotten their act together. Disgusted and distasteful, exasperated, sure, that was all fine and dandy, but something was gone. The elf was getting frustrated and disgusted by him, just along with all the others, together with all the others. That little thing that had been so much fun, the way it was personal when the elf called him a disgusting cretin, it was gone. And left in the hollow niche wasn't even what Haley and Beery McTreephobic felt for him, not even hearty disapproval or loathing, it was just...

Indifference. The realisation made Belkar scowl darkly into the elf's face. Ears sure had crappy survival instincts if he could sleep through an angry presence like that hovering just inches away from him. Then again, the elf seemed distracted by whatever it was he was dreaming about, if his slightly tense neck and light frown were any indication.

Ears had grown indifferent to him! It was unbelievable. The hatred, the fear, the grudging admiration – that was something Belkar cherished and nourished. But indifference, not caring – that freaking couldn't be! Not after he'd invested so much in achieving the opposite.

That was going to have to change.

Belkar smiled and sat back on his haunches, eyes narrowed with mischief and a hand propping up his chin, and he studied the elf as his mind went through plan upon plan of ruthlessly amusing revenge.

What now? A bunch of desert beetles to creep into the blankets and bite the elf's tender flesh? A lizard or two? Nah, the animal thing was overdone, anyway. Besides, he was in a desert on a strange new continent. If he accidentally killed the elf by slipping him some unexpectedly venomous desert chipmunk, all his hard work of establishing his new Society-playing identity would have been for nothing.

Besides, the animal attack thing hadn't seemed to have that much of an effect on V, anyway. He'd been annoyed, sure. But annoyed didn't do it for Belkar. He needed some way to get under the pointy eared twit's skin.

Ignoring the goosebumps becoming ever more prominent on his bare forearms and calves, Belkar listened to the whooshing of the wind outside and the elf's steady breathing and thought back to that night in Azure City. If only he could remember what he'd done. Whatever it was, it had made the elf mad enough to exploit Belkar's new-found stupid Mark of Stupidness vulnerability and give him hell with his spells. Yet Belkar couldn't remember a thing.

But he could try to put the pieces together. The halfling's face scrunched up in concentration as his mind – not abused with overuse – tried to pierce the fog over his memory of something that had happened over a year ago. He'd gone with Ears and Beardy to the tavern with those hot lesbian paladins, some guard had stumbled in on him, Ears had ranted him to sleep, and then he'd had a few drinks while the dwarf drank half the ale in the tavern and Ears was just sipping that same glass of stupid blue wine... and then what?

The last he remembered was something about a dwarven tradition, and the sight of about two dozen mugs of beer in front of him, and the countdown about to start. The dwarf was in front of him, while V's voice droned on behind him, something characteristically boring about dwarven livers.

Belkar was not an idiot, and even Elan could probably piece things together with all of that. His best guess was that he'd gotten hugely drunk – what with the loss of memory and all, it made sense – and did something that had offended the elf. Knowing himself, he'd probably tried to cop a feel through the thick robes, or had gropingly clutched at the elf in an attempt to stay on his feet. Unsettling to think about, but anything that made Ears squirm was a good thing in his book.

Slowly, Belkar's features spread into a smile. Of course. Intrusion of personal space. It was so obvious. That's what the elf was most bothered by! The not-saying-what-gender-he-was thing, the physical distance he kept to the others, the Invisibility spells when going for a dump, it all fit together.

And as Belkar randomly remembered something he'd once heard, in passing, in a tavern somewhere, he suddenly knew the absolute perfect way to knock the stupid elf out of his comfort zone.

His mind finally made up, the halfling rose silently, creeping behind the elf. He leaned in, grinning wickedly. Then, one hand placed lightly on the elf's shoulder, he brushed away the uncombed mass of hair and nipped at a sharp ear, running his lips and then his tongue and finally his teeth over the pointed tip.

He felt the response immediately, a shaky intake of breath and warmth rushing in to the smooth skin he was breathing into. The elf shifted under his blankets, the shoulder under his palm tensing, and then the elf muttered something in Elvish, sounding oddly guilty – something the cunning part of Belkar's brain stored away immediately for later abuse.

And only then, when Belkar must have nipped at the ear a bit too hard, did the stupid elf wake up.

He gasped, body spasming reflexively as his eyes shot wide open and his head turned to stare at him.

In the split second before the elf's shocked confusion had turned to seething outrage, Belkar got a decent impression of the dilated pupils, the flushed face – for all of Ears' pale skin, he'd never seen him blush before – and the racing pulse, and knew beyond a shadow of doubt that it was true what they said about elves and their tender ears.

Then, the elf's fair features twisted into the most delightful look of pure undiluted wrath. His slender hands snaked out of the blanket with surprising ease, pink energy crackling, his eyes turned almost demonic in their angry glow and the lips moving to begin an incantation.

His face inches away, Belkar relished the rage and indignation he was putting the elf through. And what occurred to him then was the only thing he imagined could make V even angrier and solve a pending problem with pathetic ease. He grabbed a thin wrist in each hand, jerking the arcane gestures to a stop, and leaned forward to close the gap between the elf's incantation-spouting mouth and his own. The elf's body stiffened. Something made a loud cawing noise, probably a bird outside of the tent.

In the next few seconds, Belkar smugly explored the delicate mouth with his tongue while using his steady grip on the wrists to suppress resistance, and even as he kissed he couldn't help but smile evilly into the delicate lips as he imagined just how furious he'd made the elf with that simple gesture. And then, probably thanks to the preliminary ear-nibbling taking its toll, he could have sworn that for a lingering moment, the stupid androgynous twit was sort of kissing him back.

All at once, Belkar let the elf go, callused hands releasing the wrists and his mouth breaking away from the elf's face, and the wizard promptly toppled backwards as he stepped away. Scrambling up to his feet and free of the blanket, Ears seemed genuinely thunderstruck as he stared down at him, breathing unevenly and his hands shaking a bit, eyes blazing and his pale face as flushed as ever, and the elf's telltale composure was gone like it had never existed.

“Wh...Great elven gods, w-what are you...” V sputtered when he finally regained the gift of speech. Belkar pretended to look around in a surprised manner, then rubbed his head sheepishly.

“Oh, hey, Ears. Looks like I was sleepwalking again. Weird, I haven't done that in years. Must be the change of climate getting to me, eh?”
Incredulity, disgust and – yes, wonderful, also loathing – filled the elf's face as Belkar rambled on. “Except, weird thing is, if I'd sleepwalked into someone's tent I'd expect it to be Haley's or something, or even the bard if I really hadn't gotten any in a while. But I guess your hair is to blame. You know, with all that hair, one could almost think you were a hot chick if they didn't get a look at your face. Though I guess some people are actually into anorexic pointy-eared asexual little twits with an obnoxious attitude. No accounting for taste, I suppose. “ He grinned, shuffling his feet in a mock display of awkwardness. “So, good night, I guess. Big day tomorrow. Learn your spells.”

He moved for the exit and the elf stepped forward, features contorted darkly with anger. “You insufferable little cretin,” the elf hissed, “you truly believe you can simply intrude in my tent with a ridiculous story like-”

“Vaarsuvius? I heard a noise, is everything okay?”

While Belkar marveled at his luck, the elf's hands dropped and the crackling pink energy dissipated again as V looked up in alarm. The tent flap opened, giving way to Roy's hulking figure, his eyes worried and his hand reaching up towards the hilt of his sword. As he caught sight of Belkar, the fighter's dark features turned dangerous, and his eyes shot around at the tent, taking in V's tense posture and the two blankets strewn haphazardly on the tent floor.

“Belkar, what the hell do you think you're doing here?” Roy growled dangerously, stepping forward to loom over him – and when you're only a few feet tall, the six feet tall guy can pull off quite a decent job at looming. Belkar ignored it and pulled on his best nonchalant expression.

“Hey, don't blame me. We're in a desert and you idiots seem to have forgotten that some of us are actually responsible for another living being. Mr. Scruffy got cold so I figured I'd ask Ears for an extra blanket.”

“Putting aside for the moment the staggeringly high improbability of you stooping to actually asking anyone for anything, why would you think Vaarsuvius would be able to give you a blanket?”

“Oh, come on, it's for a worthy cause. Elves like animals, don't they, Ears?” he grinned at the elf, who was staring silently at him. “Besides, I'd heard V mention that he's packed an extra blanket for that imaginary raven of his he's allegedly carrying around. Anyway, I got what I came here for, so I'll just be going. G'night.” He reached down to grab one of the blankets on the ground and darted around Roy and towards the exit while the fighter just looked at V probingly for an alternate take on the story. Belkar knew the elf wouldn't say anything, or protest that the extra blanket thing was a lie, because the halfling was giving him an opportunity to leave this thing relatively uncomplicated then and there, and Ears knew better than to turn it down. He'd confirm Belkar's story, probably adding on some spin on how he had just been startled, he'd think and meditate on what Belkar's behaviour had meant, and then he'd execute his carefully planned revenge without involving anyone else, and the prank wars could start all over again.

Shooting a glance at the elf through the closing tent flap over his shoulder, Belkar met his eyes, full of contempt and loathing, and knew for certain that he had just made it personal.

Belkar grinned as he wrapped the new, warmer blanket around himself and made his way back to his tent. He knew that Vaarsuvius would inevitably retaliate and his mind was already on the next thing he would do to further infuriate him. Finding out what the murmured sigh of “Ky-ree” had meant seemed like a good start.

Gods, he loved that elf.

I totally wish something similar would happen in the comic. :D The return of the prank wars, at the very least. That was so hilarious. :D

[Zanaril]

@Kaytara: That was hilarious.

The idea of V muttering Kyrie's name is both cute and heartbreaking.

Holy crap. That was... much longer than I had anticipated. Spoiler'd for length's sake.

I want to make someone who is sympathetic and likable not just because of who she is related to or what has happened to her, but in her own right.

I'm sure you already know this, but it's worth noting that a character doesn't have to be sympathetic to be likeable. Sometimes, simply having them act in a way we relate to can make us like to a character more than having them go through the angst-mill and still be a saint.

[half-halfling]

Kaytara -that was awesome! Funny, unpredictible ,and everyone was in character. I very much liked it.

[Dark Faun]

Very well written Kaytara. I can't root for someone who violates others for fun though. As a matter of fact, your fanfiction made me picture Belkar as someone who would rape V if he thought it would be funny. So I think I'll go read Cracklord's entire history of "Belkar suffers" stories right now.

[Zanaril]

As a matter of fact, your fanfiction made me picture Belkar as someone who would rape V if he thought it would be funny. So I think I'll go read Cracklord's entire history of "Belkar suffers" stories right now.

*shudders* Or just got bored of guessing V's gender...

It's odd how varied people's perceptions of Belkar can be. Even once he was confirmed CE, people just changed what they took CE to mean.

[Kaytara]

Ugh, okay, THAT wasn't the impression I was going for. In fact, I added the little "V sort of kisses back" thing precisely to make it somewhat less creepy.

I don't see Belkar as potentially rapist... It just... doesn't seem him. His shtick is more "I'm such a sexy shoeless god of war that everyone wants me". Having his way with someone who doesn't want him would run contrary to that, because anyone who doesn't want him is stupid and not worth bothering with.

If anything, if he really DOES get hung up on someone and just telling himself that they're stupid not to want him doesn't cut it anymore, I see him as more likely to go to absurd lengths to get someone to want him, resulting in a pseudo-courtship (which, admittedly, would be funny to write about).

Also, I've tried to incorporate the element of Belkar's personality in that he's bad at thinking ahead. We've seen this in the comic on a few occasions (most famously, his plan with Miko). Here, the kiss is more or less an impulse. He goes in to steal a blanket and then goes against that plan when he does something to wake the elf up without planning on how to make it out of the tent alive and unscathed. He makes up excuses on the spot. He really just gets lucky to be able to get away with it, so far. (In that respect, reading Cracklord's "Belkar in hell" fics probably IS mandatory for restoring your sense of world justice. :D)

So, if that makes it any better, it's not like he goes in with the plan to force a kiss on V. He goes in with the vague plan of stealing a blanket and then one thing leads to another.

EDIT: V See? That IS funny. XD I could totally see that happening.