Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Flame of Anor]

1D6. I may not record my ability scores in hexadecimal.

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[Axinian]

483. Whatever I'm thinking about saying, Iron Heart Surge doesn't do that.

[Rossebay]

484. I am not allowed to play a Lich. Ever again. Ever.
485. Dragon Cohort is not something I can take.
486. Hawks cannot attempt grapples against Hydras.
487. Hawks may not attempt grapples against bebeliths.
488. Hawks may not attempt to invent math in order to direct my teleports. Ever again.
489. I cannot attempt Sunder Checks against an NPC's body with telekinesis.
490. Hawk familiars may not benefit from an empowered Enlarge Person spell.
491. Hawk familiars may not carry anyone small or larger, no matter the strength check.
492. I may never again attempt to go super saiyan.
493. Warforged do not make suitable plugs to interdimensional holes.
494. My familiar may not become a lich either.
495. When a dragon has an ally in its mouth, I may not dare them to bite the ally in half.

[Axinian]

496. I may no longer play a succubus. Because no.

[Ksheep]

497. May never make a female character with water breathing just so they can sit at the bottom of a lake and hand "mythical" swords to random passersby.

[Andre]

#498. Playing a Necropolitan Human Dread Necromancer named Right4Dead is most certainly not allowed.

#499. "Shopkeepers who actually turn out to be mighty wizards" is not an acceptable favoured enemy for Rangers.
#499b. Nor is "Barkeepers who were formerly adventurers".

#500. Under no circumstance can a character with INT as a dump stat wear a super-hero robe and pretend to be called Defendor.

[Ksheep]

#501: My barbarian's main battle tactic cannot be "Defenestrate them".

#502: My barbarian is not allowed to carry around a stack of windows while dungeon delving just so he can defenestrate the enemy

#503: Plate glass windows cannot be ordered in bulk.

[MrRigger]

#504: The barbarian cannot hire two commoners to walk back and forth in front of him carrying a plate glass window.

#505: Or stack boxes of fruit in front of him.

#506: The barbarian cannot commission a magic item with an at-will activation of Summon Plate Glass Window.

MrRigger

[ryu]

507: I did not just deal 50d6 sneak attack damage with a wrench. No not even if I stack several powerful wrench buffing effects and am completely inaudible.

508: This goes double for hilariously massive hand replacing drills.

509: I can't have an enchanted camera that lets me become more powerful for taking pictures.

510: If I do have said camera and uber wrench I cannot turn every combat into a hilarious farce with them.

[Kris Strife]

511. Playing "Big Balls" at the royal gala will result in my bard being executed, regardless of my Performance roll.

512."Ballroom Blitz" is not allowed either.

[LudiDrizzt]

513. I am not allowed to play schizophrenic half-elves that worship Cthulhu anymore. Especially when they end up making friends with Tharizdon before epic tier.

514. I am also not allowed to hybrid with a Swordmage just because there's absolutely no downside to it.

515. I should not play mentally deficient Warforged, and name them after verbs like "Thunk," "Thwop," and "Bash."

516. As a response to my 3.5 DM asking me to not play a caster, I should not play a homebrew Gunslinger class and use nonlethal six-shooters to deal 56d6+49 damage per full-round action at level 7.

[Ksheep]

517: Not allowed to make a manically depressed Warforged with extremely high INT.

517a: Said Warforged is not named "Marvin"

[Flame of Anor]

518. Plate-glass-window-summoning is not a valid weapon enhancement.

509: I can't have an enchanted camera that lets me become more powerful for taking pictures.

*cough*SpeedGrapher*cough*

[ryu]

Actually that whole post was a bioshock series reference. Seriously though that wrench just owned everything. Even the big daddies later on...

[Shadowknight12]

Actually that whole post was a bioshock series reference. Seriously though that wrench just owned everything. Even the big daddies later on...

Inspired by the Freeman School of FPS, surely.

[ryu]

I thought the gravity gun was the overpowered weapon in half life with the crowbar being good in certain situations but not amazing.

519: I never aloud to actually use the physics engine in combat again. That gravity gun/telekinesis/stasis module is for puzzles only.

[Flame of Anor]

I thought the gravity gun was the overpowered weapon in half life with the crowbar being good in certain situations but not amazing.

518: I never aloud to actually use the physics engine in combat again. That gravity gun/telekinesis/stasis module is for puzzles only.

You mean 519.

[Ksheep]

520. Not allowed to deliberately make a Ring of Water Walking cursed so that it only works when under water.

521. This also goes for making a Ring of Water Breathing cursed to only work under lava.

[Marillion]

522: "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" isn't always a good reason to keep a secret from your party members.
522a: "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to introduce you to The O'Bannon", however, is.

[calam]

523: I'm not allowed to make blueprints...ever
524: Sovereign glue is banned in any game I play
525:I can't use animate object to create an army of houses to stage mass kidnappings by replacing non-animated houses.
526:I'm not allowed to open fire in the middle of a diplomacy check.

[stainboy]

527. My warforged is neither fully functional nor anatomically correct.

528. Even if the mutagenic spores grant regeneration, it is not my cleric's duty to infect the party.

529. Bandits are to be defeated in personal scale combat. Forest fires are overkill.

530. Any program I wrote myself is not allowed at the table.

531. This does not mean I should maximize my average damage function with respect to power attack by hand.

532. Darkness and Silence cannot target tanglefoot bags.

533. The last man standing does not win Vampire.

[Darthteej]

534. You're supposed to kill the Monitor Lizard, not try to use Wild Empathy 5 times.

534b. And throwing rocks at it only imposes a circumstance penalty.

535.Background feats are for adding flavor to a character, not for giving your Beguiler access to Evard's Black Tentacles.

536. Your Druid is going to do just fine without any more optimization, thank you very much.

537. Starting arms races is a horrible idea.

537b. No, Anti-Osmium can NOT be attained via Major Creation.

537c. Pun-Pun can not obtain the Epic Pseudo-natural template, you lose.

537d. Pelor wants his Solars back.

[Flame of Anor]

538. The Royal Artillery Corps does not consist of several commoner railguns.

[Axinian]

539. The special police squad the government uses to quell commoner riots is not a flood of cats wearing adorable police hats.

[Morithias]

540. I am no longer allowed to make a drow true namer and abuse a prestige class from dragon magazine to enslave an archdevil. Esp. if I call her the "Valsharess"

(This isn't a joke, I actually did this in a campaign and my group made me sigh a WAIVER never to do it again)

[Croverus]

539. The special police squad the government uses to quell commoner riots is not a flood of cats wearing adorable police hats.

539a. This is only acceptable if we're playing a BESM system and the wave of adorable cats are summoned by a magical character.

[LongVin]

540. I am no longer allowed to make a drow true namer and abuse a prestige class from dragon magazine to enslave an archdevil. Esp. if I call her the "Valsharess"

(This isn't a joke, I actually did this in a campaign and my group made me sigh a WAIVER never to do it again)

What prestige class?

[Flame of Anor]

540. I am no longer allowed to make a drow true namer and abuse a prestige class from dragon magazine to enslave an archdevil. Esp. if I call her the "Valsharess"

(This isn't a joke, I actually did this in a campaign and my group made me sigh a WAIVER never to do it again)

Come on, tell us! Dish the dirt, as they say (I think)!

[Morithias]

Come on, tell us! Dish the dirt, as they say (I think)!

Master Astrologer from Dragon 340. Level 10 power lets you boost any "numeric" factors of a spell. There's a spell in tomb of magic, a level 9 wizard spell that lets you use a creature's true name to call a creature of CR 14 or less for 300 xp.

Now if you combine these two factors, you have a 300 xp 1/day spell, that can call any creature of CR 21 or less. The DM can't even call on the "unique creatures" hole because by the definition of true name EVERY creature is unique.

Now crack open your fiendish codex 2's. And now note that Bel, Dispater, Mammon, and Fierna are all CR 21 or less.

And that is how you enslave an archdevil pre-epic.

[Flame of Anor]

Master Astrologer from Dragon 340. Level 10 power lets you boost any "numeric" factors of a spell. There's a spell in tomb of magic, a level 9 wizard spell that lets you use a creature's true name to call a creature of CR 14 or less for 300 xp.

Now if you combine these two factors, you have a 300 xp 1/day spell, that can call any creature of CR 21 or less. The DM can't even call on the "unique creatures" hole because by the definition of true name EVERY creature is unique.

Now crack open your fiendish codex 2's. And now note that Bel, Dispater, Mammon, and Fierna are all CR 21 or less.

And that is how you enslave an archdevil pre-epic.

Wait, Truenamers get Sor/Wiz spells?