Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

[Cracklord]

What's that mean, exactly?

Warhammer 40k, in the wise words of someone I can't quite remember, can be seen as a locked room where everyone is on fire. However, some are more on fire then others.
Everything is patently overthetop. Imperial guard always get last, heroic stands, against insurmountable odds, Space Marine's are all (at least, according to the fluff), one men armies, heroic supermen, the bad guys are so evil you can't help but laugh, and the entire universe has replaced science with awesome.
Don't worry about making sense, make it so extreme no one will question it.

Elf. In 40K. As Cain's second aide de camp. Um... I think he'd be too busy to even consider that since he'd be crying at the sight of an Eldar Farseer materializing right in front of him.

Not really. Tonnes of inquisitors have dealings and even use Rouge Eldar as advisors (at least, back when I played Inquisitor they were an option). I've only read the one Ciaphus Cain novel, but he seems pretty open minded (for a Naziesque zealot, anyway). Just say V's a half breed, then use Amberly's pull to get them to shut the hell up if there are any further questions.

I'm... I'm not even touching that.

Seriously, according to the fluff, nothing DnD can dish out, short of total, destroy the world cheese is going to touch the Imperium of man.

While interesting to think about, I'd rather not drag Belkar along for the ride. (Yet) It'd take too much plot modification, and it would mess up a few scenes I've considered...

Nah, just my hate talking. Doing that would be a waste of time.

Hm. The Emperor needs to send somebody dreams... I'd say Roy, but Elan would be funnier, especially if he started dressing as a Commissar and running around with a skeleton puppet.

Nah, I'm keeping it fantasy. I'm thinking Roy can find Stormbringer, and Elan gets his hands on the One Ring. That leaves Haley.

[Saeyan]

Because I don't feel like reading the Wikipedia article on Warhammer 40k, could someone sum it up in a paragraph to provide some context for the stories?

[Cracklord]

Really? Well, the entire universe sucks.
Basically, humanity has turned into the third Riech's big brother and is fighting a perpetual war with everyone else, sterilize entire worlds due to a few offenders (i.e, all life eradicated), and kill everyone who isn't human or is labeled as a mutant (though this is often the right thing to do).

Most of the others are even worse.

You have the chaos gods, who are what you'd get if you combined C'thulhu with a crazed Norse Bezerker, A drug dependent serial rapist hedonist, a crazy doctor who experiments in making diseases, then gives them to people to see their effects (and worse, as acts of love), and a master manipulator who kills of entire species in a game of chess against himself, then made them semi-omnipotent.

C'tan who are primal beings who suck the energy out of stars, but now eat humans because they taste better, and their armies of robots who are basically metal skeletons who can't die and flay you alive.

Then you have the tyranids, who are a non individually sentiant organism hive minds that strip any world it comes across to the stone, and uses the resources to make giant insect rending monster things who kill everyone then break down too, then repeat the process. And they are apparently running from something even worse.

Then there are the Eldar, who sacrifice a planet full of humans to save one eldar life, the dark elder, who torture people to feed the chaos gods so they don't take notice of them, and the orks, who are a psychotic species bred for war who dream of nothing but killing. And the orks are the comic relief!

Lovely setting.

[Saeyan]

Wow. And I thought having O-levels tomorrow sucked.

Remember that V-in-a-sailor-uniform picture I posted aeons ago? Neither do I. But anyway...

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This is the part where I prostrate myself in front of Kaytara and confess, weeping, that I cannot do shadows at all. Also, Discord, I wasn't able to fit in the doll...but I left Miko on the nametag. To be honest it started out as Miko actually, which is why the hair is pulled back.

[Ninja]

What's wrong with mah banner?!?!?!? Or, all of the Zanaril-made banners? Is it just me, all do you all see a message saying "Update to pro today, bandwidth exceeded."?

EDIT:

...semi-omnipotent.

How can anything be semi-omnipotent? Omnipotent being is in fact, something that is able do ANYTHING. How can anything be half of that? Half-able? Or able of half-anything?

[Sstoopidtallkid]

What's wrong with mah banner?!?!?!? Or, all of the Zanaril-made banners? Is it just me, all do you all see a message saying "Update to pro today, bandwidth exceeded."?

Did you copy the banner to your Photoshop account, or are you hotlinking? If it's in your account, you have too many images that have been viewed by to many people this month. Cut down on the number of times you use images, or get multiple accounts. If you're hotlinking, STOP.

EDIT:

How can anything be semi-omnipotent? Omnipotent being is in fact, something that is able do ANYTHING. How can anything be half of that? Half-able? Or able of half-anything?

They're incredibly powerful, with no stated limits on what they can do, but since the universe isn't destroyed yet, presumably they aren't actually omnipotent.

[Zanaril]

Did you copy the banner to your Photoshop account, or are you hotlinking? If it's in your account, you have too many images that have been viewed by to many people this month. Cut down on the number of times you use images, or get multiple accounts. If you're hotlinking, STOP.

Hotlinking: BAD. Especially on forums. Especially on popular forums.

Sorry people, you're gonna have to stop mooching off of my photobucket bandwidth.

And maybe if Fiddler could put a notice up about that in the first post?

[Dark Faun]

I never understood the concept of hotlinking, but I know that I always uploaded the images I was going to use on my own account (with proper credits) to avoid "mooching off" bandwidth.

Speaking of which, CoffeeIncluded, you might want to upload your banner on your own account, in case mine gets a problem. Also, Dark Fiddler, you might want to do the same with Kaytara's V x Redcloak banner so that her bandwidth isn't exceeded.

To go back to crack pairings, what do people think of Julia x Elan?

[Zanaril]

To go back to crack pairings, what do people think of Julia x Elan?

Not cracky enough. Elan is supposedly attractive and Julia will flirt with anything that moves if she thinks it will benefit her somehow.


Here's all the banners uploaded onto another account:

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[Dark Faun]

I mentioned Julia x Elan because of Roy's reaction.

Julia x Redcloak then? They're both teenagers.

[Zanaril]

I mentioned Julia x Elan because of Roy's reaction.

I don't think Roy would mind too much, considering the alternatives such as

Julia x Redcloak then? They're both teenagers.

Such as that.

Reddy would get fed up with Julia's immature behaviour.

[Closak]

What do you think about this then?

ABD x Redcloak.

Plot device: Aliens made them do it (Not neccesarily literal aliens)


Like this: Tiamat and the Dark One make a pact with each other, and Redcloak and the ABD get's stuck having to do the dirty work.

[Zanaril]

Like this: Tiamat and the Dark One make a pact with each other, and Redcloak and the ABD get's stuck having to do the dirty work.

How dirty are we talking about here?

[Closak]

Very dirty.

But hey, if their respective deites are telling them to do it...
When your god is telling you to do something you don't really get much say in the matter.


I bet Xykon would laugh his skeletal ass of if he found out about it.

[The Succubus]

Cracklord - while I bow to your superb penmanship, I worry about you. A lot.

[Zanaril]

Cracklord - while I bow to your superb penmanship, I worry about you. A lot.

There's enough normal people in the world already.

[The Odor]

Finaly I am back up to speed. I read everything. I got lost on page two and just now have I read it all.

By the way. I think I saw a mood on the first page. Or is the crack getting to me.


Everybodys stuff is great. Cracklord is creepier then ever. Do not kill me. Water- Smurf. Wow. You gotta love crasy V. Zanrill still classy. Everyone else good stuff. Might post something soon. I have a secret projekt going. Soon to post teaser.

[Water-Smurf]

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Only after I took the photo did I realize that her head was freaking huge. So I attempted to shrink it, but I think I might have overdone it? I can't decide whether I did or not.

She looks so mischievous with that smile! It's just a small ':3' as if she knows that she just put one over you.

As for Kaytara's picture...

*melts into bubbling pile of goo*

I love it. You actually made a goblin, an elf, and their child look like a perfect family. And they all look so happy! V's all serene and Reddy's all excited and the baby's all 'My parents love me and I'm adorable!'... gah! *brain breaks*

I'm using that banner now, by the way.

Y'know, everytime I look at the new pic/banner, I notice how young Redcloak looks. Seriously, he looks like he's 17. Damn. I always forget he's still a teenager.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Does this make V a cradle robber? Or is it the other way around (since Reddy is chronologically way older for his species than V is for elves)? Meh. Maturity and experience-wise, they're on level ground, and I think that that's all that matters.

A couple questions, though: I've been hard at work with the RC/V spawnfic, and I need a couple things straightened out before I can complete it. (This thing's becoming a monster--already sixteen pages!) One, how does soulbinding work? I know you put a soul into something--like a certain black gem--but how do you do it? Once you have the scroll, what's the casting time, do you need to do it in a certain amount of time after someone's died, what?

And two, I'm working on the personality of their child. I'm going to write her as a girl, though since this fic isn't necessarily canon to my story, that's not saying whether or not the child is going to turn out as a girl. I'm already building up a psychological profile and the development of her ideas of femininity and sexuality (never read the Hite Report on anything during a writing project!), but she needs more meat on the surface.

And what about the fact that she has goblin and elven ancestry? She's a living contradiction in a human's eyes--a beautiful and mysterious elf with a base and savage goblin (or that's the popular opinion, anyway). That's going to affect her.

[Zanaril]

I've been hard at work with the RC/V spawnfic, and I need a couple things straightened out before I can complete it. (This thing's becoming a monster--already sixteen pages!)

*squee!*

One, how does soulbinding work? I know you put a soul into something--like a certain black gem--but how do you do it? Once you have the scroll, what's the casting time, do you need to do it in a certain amount of time after someone's died, what?

From here: http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/soulBind.htm

You draw the soul from a newly dead body and imprison it in a black sapphire gem. The subject must have been dead no more than 1 round per caster level. The soul, once trapped in the gem, cannot be returned through clone, raise dead, reincarnation, resurrection, true resurrection, or even a miracle or a wish. Only by destroying the gem or dispelling the spell on the gem can one free the soul (which is then still dead).

That site's useful, especially if like me you write about wizards but have no knowledge about DnD .

[Sstoopidtallkid]

And what about the fact that she has goblin and elven ancestry? She's a living contradiction in a human's eyes--a beautiful and mysterious elf with a base and savage goblin (or that's the popular opinion, anyway). That's going to affect her.

Yes, it will make her more fun. We're talking about an elf with fangs and a penchant for being rough. I'm in love.

In actuality, she'll probably go through similar stuff to what half-orcs do(though be cuter than them), and will most likely have to deal with a lot of prejudice. She'll not be popular, either having a small but loyal group of friends willing to overlook her heritage, or being an outcast. I could easily see her going either Nietzschian or Angsty, though I really hope she doesn't.

Also, does anyone know of a Demon Prince or Evil God of alcohol?

[Zanaril]

Yes, it will make her more fun. We're talking about an elf with fangs and a penchant for being rough. I'm in love.

In actuality, she'll probably go through similar stuff to what half-orcs do(though be cuter than them), and will most likely have to deal with a lot of prejudice. She'll not be popular, either having a small but loyal group of friends willing to overlook her heritage, or being an outcast. I could easily see her going either Nietzschian or Angsty, though I really hope she doesn't.

How she feels about her goblin half will also have a big affect; if she accepts what she is, she's probably going to end up being very defensive about goblins whenever she meets someone who views them as chunks of XP. If she doesn't there's a good chance she'll end up with self-esteem problems. Being this is V and Reddy's kid, I think the former is more likely; she's gonna be as stubborn as they are.

Although this of course this depends how she's brought up. If Reddy is there looking after her, she'll have a reassurance that the stereotypes about goblins aren't true. However if she's brought up living completely among goblins, she'll have a harder time comming to terms with finiding out what other races think of them. If she's brought up among elves without knowing any goblins, there's a good chance she'll start believing what people say about them, even if V insists otherwise.

Also, does anyone know of a Demon Prince or Evil God of alcohol?

*holds out the remainder of the drinks from thread 2*

It's on the house.

As for when those are gone... *starts preparing a soul-selling contract for Sstoopidtallkid*

[Lycan 01]

*snarl* Internet ate my earlier post. I had a lot of info in it, and nows it is all gone. Grr...

Don't worry about making sense, make it so extreme no one will question it.

Too bad I've already put enough thought into it that everything makes (relative) sense.

Not really. Tonnes of inquisitors have dealings and even use Rouge Eldar as advisors (at least, back when I played Inquisitor they were an option). I've only read the one Ciaphus Cain novel, but he seems pretty open minded (for a Naziesque zealot, anyway). Just say V's a half breed, then use Amberly's pull to get them to shut the hell up if there are any further questions.

Actually, I've figured out how that'll work... Amberley will have something to do with it, but mostly it'll just be Cain's charisma and ability to make it seem like he knows what he's doing.

Now I've just got to figure out how to actually create a relationship between Cain & V...

Nah, I'm keeping it fantasy. I'm thinking Roy can find Stormbringer, and Elan gets his hands on the One Ring. That leaves Haley.

Altair from Assassin's Creed teaching her to be an epic assassin who can shape the future by cutting a single thread of fate?



Soooo... I want to work on the V x Cain story. But I'm afraid it will fail horribly, or no one will actually read it.


Does anybody else ever feel this way? You have an idea for a crackfic you really want to try, but you're too afraid to write it since it might fail or no one will read it?

[Closak]

Yeah i get that all the time.

It's kind of justified though since my writing skills sorta sucks.
Even if my ideas are good i just can't get them out in a good way.


*Goes to drown his sorrows*

...Wait a sec...Something ain't right here...

[Sstoopidtallkid]

So, Chimera/ZombieDragonHead isn't working out for me(big surprise), so I'll make my entrance with a somewhat tame Sabine/V.

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Sabine was shocked to see the elf in a lower planes bar. True neutral, maybe, but never CE. And even if he/she was evil, she would have expected him/her to be being tortured, not drinking. She had to figure this out.

"So, why are you here, and not either listening to a harp or having a pitchfork shoved up your ass?"

Vaarsuvius looked startled to see her, but he recovered quickly. "As it turns out, even only agreeing to temporary condemnation here does not actually mean that the IFCC has to help you leave. Contract law is rather loophole-ridden."

"And the lack of a pitchfork?"

"I know a good lawyer. Though this bar qualifies as torture on it's own. Non-alcoholic bourbon is a low I did not believe possible even of demons."

"Yes, Grazzt was a real genius, wasn't he? Where's your other half, by the way? As I recall, she preferred the wine."

"I had wondered if you knew. You know, I tranced while in the same room as Haley for years, and she never even suspected. You were the only one who ever could tell which I was."

Sabine looked pleased. "Do you really think I could miss that you switched genders every time I saw you? I am literally an evil incarnation of Lust. But that doesn't answer my question."

Vaarsuvius sat down next to her. "I was in the bathroom. How do you Fiends manage to make even plumbing creepy?"

"It's all about the peepholes."

"Oh, god!" Vaarsuvius looked disgusted. "Is there any fetish you haven't experienced? "

"Actually", Sabine replied, "I've never had twins."

"You can shapechange. Well, Alter Self at least."

"Yes, but incest adds an extra kick most of the time."

"So", the elves looked at each other for a second, "if we were to help you fill this void, you might be appreciative?"

Sabine studied the pair, the way one's hand was lingering on the other's back. "Of course. What did you have in mind."

"Communication with souls in the mortal realm, access to a Scrying or similar Divination effect, and you get...what you want. All you need to do is sign." One Vaarsuvius pulled out a sheaf of papers, the other offered a pen.

"Wait...you're offering me a contract? Why did you even have a contract prepared?"

"I've been looking for a decent demon, but you specifically should make this more fun."

"You're telling a fiend to sign?"

"Of course. That way you cannot find a way to screw us. Well, at least no unexpected methods."

Sabine grinned. "Girl, I will be shocked if you manage to avoid being surprised." She quickly added her name below theirs.

The twins finished their drinks, then glanced at each other. "So, do you start, or do I?"

"Oh, let me. I've been wanting to do this since we met her."

Sabine started to lean in.

"Room 317. There's a Dvati in there whose boyfriend just broke up with her, and they've been hitting the absinthe fairly hard. I recommend going as male, but that's just me."

Sabine didn't understand, but had a sinking feeling she was about to.

"You know, you really should read things before you sign them. It's amazing how often simple things, like who actually will fulfill the terms of the contract, can become muddled. Anyway, enjoy yourself!"

"We will not expect fulfillment of your side until at least Monday."

"What...But that isn't even incest...I thought.."

"You didn't think."

"I'm never wrong about who wants to screw who! I got that you didn't like me, but I was sure you wanted each other!"

"You still got a Dvati pair out of the deal, so stop complaining. That's actually more intimate than incest."

The amused imp behind the bar watched Sabine head for the stairs. "You know, it's not often I get to see one of them get tricked.
Drinks are on the house. How'd you fool her, anyways?"

The elves glanced at each other for a second, "We didn't." He even got to see a long kiss before they walked away.

For those slightly confused, I follow BRC's theory on V's sexuality.

[Lycan 01]

Don't worry, Closak. Just because you think you're a bad writer, doesn't mean you are. With a lot of stories, the style, grammar, and presentation are just bells and whistles. As long as you can get the point across, you can expect for people to enjoy it, even if you think they shouldn't.


Oh my. What a twist, Sstoopidtallkid. Quite witty and creative, although I have no idea what a Dvati is.


Why doesn't this stuff Squick me out anymore? Then again, it never really squicked me, but I find myself completely unperturbed by most of fics I've read. Well... except for Cracklord's Belkar fic. I turned back around Chapter 3 - I knew I couldn't withstand the deepest darkness that lurked within that literary tale...

[Zanaril]

So, Chimera/ZombieDragonHead isn't working out for me(big surprise), so I'll make my entrance with a somewhat tame Sabine/V.

For those slightly confused, I follow BRC's theory on V's sexuality.

...There's something inexplicably compelling about the idea of there being two Vs. And by inexplicably compelling I mean sexy.

[Aaron]

...There's something inexplicably compelling about the idea of there being two Vs. And by inexplicably compelling I mean sexy.

......how so? That V is half-ninja?

[Sstoopidtallkid]

At ^^And half-camel.

Oh my. What a twist, Sstoopidtallkid. Quite witty and creative, although I have no idea what a Dvati is.

Thank ye kindly. Dvati are a race of twins with one soul, 2 minds, 2 bodies. They're...odd.

Why doesn't this stuff Squick me out anymore? Then again, it never really squicked me, but I find myself completely unperturbed by most of fics I've read. Well... except for Cracklord's Belkar fic. I turned back around Chapter 3 - I knew I couldn't withstand the deepest darkness that lurked within that literary tale...

Because most of it is too good to be squicky. Plus, everyone here is crazy.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Right, I've replaced Zanaril's bandwidth exceeded banners, and made a note asking everyone to upload the banners to their own accounts and sparing our banner maker's bandwidth from dying to death.

I'll be doing so with my current banner shortly.

[Water-Smurf]

Thanks, Zanaril and Sstoopidtallkid. I guess it'll all run back into her self-image and how she's raised to see herself.

I'm still thinking that she needs a little more meat, though that may be my need to bask in characterization before setting out an OC.

...Oh Jeeze. I'm thinking of making two alternate spawnfics. Make the bunnies stop.

Right, I've replaced Zanaril's bandwidth exceeded banners, and made a note asking everyone to upload the banners to their own accounts and sparing our banner maker's bandwidth from dying to death.

I'll be doing so with my current banner shortly.

I have no idea what any of this means. Bandwidth? Hotlinking? What?

(This is where my lack of programming know-how shows.)