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  1. - Top - End - #1321
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by ShinyDelusion View Post
    Love the latest high school pic, Yiuel. Can we hope for any prom pics?
    If any, either in March or June, depending on which side of the Pacific you want me to represent

    In the meanwhile, enjoy :

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    Last edited by Yiuel; 2010-01-13 at 11:21 AM. Reason: New Version of Picture
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  2. - Top - End - #1322
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    Devixer's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Nice pic. I liked all the little details you put in, which I'm too lazy to list.

  3. - Top - End - #1323
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    You would think Ngoc would be the best skier out of all of them. She's got her father's stability plus her mother's love of swimming. Snow is just water and earth, so it should be similar, right?

  4. - Top - End - #1324
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Raging Gene Ray View Post
    You would think Ngoc would be the best skier out of all of them. She's got her father's stability plus her mother's love of swimming. Snow is just water and earth, so it should be similar, right?
    Stability and Balance aren't the same thing. When you snowboard, you gotta have a lot of balance. (I know it from experience) Something she certainly could lack, for all I know.

    And snow is solid water turned into sand, desert-like if you want. Also a bane to both sea-farers and cavern-dwellers.
    Beware the many wrong things in this spoiler!
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  5. - Top - End - #1325
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Yiuel View Post
    And snow is solid water turned into sand, desert-like if you want. Also a bane to both sea-farers and cavern-dwellers.
    Yes, but on the ELEMENTAL level, it's Water and Earth. Dwarves have some elemental affinity with Earth, right? Just like how sand is Fire and Earth...maybe.

    On an actually relevant note, have you decided any other ships for OotS: The Next Generation (yeah, not a good name...but OotS Jr. and Order of the Twig seem to imply a bunch of grade school kids to me) besides Alex/Joan?

  6. - Top - End - #1326
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Raging Gene Ray View Post
    On an actually relevant note, have you decided any other ships for OotS: The Next Generation (yeah, not a good name...but OotS Jr. and Order of the Twig seem to imply a bunch of grade school kids to me) besides Alex/Joan?
    In many ways, the last picture shows the relevant couples together, from the obvious Alex/Joan to a slightly more obscur Hitomi/Ardy and the ridiculously far-fetched Leily/Ngoc.

    And shame on me for I had the most ridiculous crackpairing for Ross. With our dear Tiasal.
    Beware the many wrong things in this spoiler!
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  7. - Top - End - #1327
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Eztheria View Post
    I hereby strongly disagree. At least to me, most of the stuff here is making perfect sense. It's the only way you can get me to read a story. Of course reading "ReddyxV" or "Female!VxMale!V" let you look confused for a moment, especially if the comments talk about making sense. Until you read it, that is. (Those two repeatedly hit the back of my had and ordered me to use them as examples. There are others, but they refrained from being that persistent. Waitasec I have 3 Vs in my head... <insert curse here>.)
    Or is that making sense referring to any random "normal" person out there in these forums that accidently stumbled in here?
    Oh, I agree that it's great when the author can get it to make sense in the story (which generally happens). I was reffering to the general concept not making sense from what we know and is likely in canon.

    @ShinyDelusion Love it.

    @Yiuel Yes, Joan being a cloudcuckoolander does help as does her devotion and affection and the fact that I’ve developed a desire to hold her and destroy anything that hurts her. Apparently my desire to be protective is the reason that I tend to find short women attractive. I also approve of the elves' androgonousness and the latest picture.

    Last night I tried out the new tables and got Julio Scoundrel x Julio Scoundrel with The real world. I thought, “How am I going to do that?” This morning, the answer came to me:

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    One of Giantitp’s newest forumites was scanning the threads in the Oots sub-forum for something to read. A long thread caught his eye. “Crack pairings.” he thought, “Seems pretty popular. How bad could it be?” With that he began to read through the archive.

    An hour later, he began to twitch. After another hour, his fragile mind had completely snapped. He got up and walked over to his mirror. “Who’s the sexy swordsman?” he asked his reflection, “You are Julio Scoundrel, my boy. Now come a little closer.” He leaned forward and began to kiss the mirror. He was really going to enjoy this.


    Ok. That was quite meta. Still fun though.

    Ok. This story makes even less sense than normal. An important change from canon is that Pompey and Leeky Windstaff changed their minds about leaving the Linear Guild after they realized their love for Sabine and Nale respectively. They then broke Sabine, Nale and Thog out of prison. (I’ll write a prequel about this if people are interested.) So this is part one (or maybe the only part depending on how I feel and if people want more) of “Allegiance” my promised Thog x Miko story.

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    Miko encouraged windstriker to move at full gallop. They were almost at Azure City. Suddenly, she noticed a group of travelers in her way. “Stop!” yelled the blond traveler. So she dismounted and walked over to him to find out why he had stopped her. “Web!” he cried and Miko found herself trapped in a mess of sticky silk.

    “Let me pass, you fiends!” Miko snarled.
    “Hey!” answered Nale we’re just looking for a new party member. We’re not up to anything sinister.”
    “Then why do you have an orc with you?” asked Miko.
    “My good friend Thog here is only half-orc.” answered Nale, “They are a standard PC race, capable of any alignment remember.” Miko did remember that and began to look more closely at Thog. She could now see the evidence of his human blood, yet his green skin, fangs and muscular build seemed to add to it in a highly attractive way and she began to feel things that she thought were improper for a paladin of the Sapphire Guard. Yet she could not help these feelings and began to stare at the chest of this magnificent creature.
    “thog happy he has cootie shot,” said Thog, “’cause blue cape girl very pretty.”
    Miko began to blush. She found his lack of articulation endearing. “Anyway,” continued Nale, “a paladin would be good for our opposite theme. You see we need a new member to stop a chaotic evil halfling ranger/barbarian.”
    “I will smite evil in whatever form it takes.” said Miko, “Who is this halfling.”
    “His name is Belkar Bitterleaf and he is from The Order of the Stick.”
    “I will be glad to smite that bane of existence.” answered Miko.
    “Then you are now one of us.” replied Nale.

  8. - Top - End - #1328
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Great pics Yuriel. But I hope to see more Fighting and stuff because these look more like Life insurance commercials (But there still very cool).
    ShinyDelusion: Funny.

  9. - Top - End - #1329
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    @Yiuel Yes, Joan being a cloudcuckoolander does help as does her devotion and affection and the fact that I’ve developed a desire to hold her and destroy anything that hurts her. Apparently my desire to be protective is the reason that I tend to find short women attractive. I also approve of the elves' androgonousness and the latest picture.
    Be reassured for our Joan, Alex certainly won't hurt her, less let any villain do so. (I do picture him as somewhat protective of his girl, but because he's deeply in love.) And good thing, that means I still know how to create sympathetic characters.

    I will try to get you some good fighting picture for next time.

    As for your crackpairings, I could have seen Julio's in a different way, even in the real world. But the Miko/Thog one? WANT MOAR!
    Last edited by Yiuel; 2010-01-13 at 12:36 AM.
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  10. - Top - End - #1330
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Yiuel View Post
    I will try to get you some good fighting picture for next time.
    I have an idea for a picture, too. Not so much a request, but a suggestion...that I will spoiler because I feel like a huge pervert asking it:

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    If you ever draw Joan in lingerie (big if, there. Don't let me pressure you if it wasn't something you were planning to do anyway), she should have Banjo the Clown themed underwear.

  11. - Top - End - #1331
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Sereg: The real funny part of that first bit is that it has very likely happened.

    And I have to agree with with Yiuel on Miko/Thog.

  12. - Top - End - #1332
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Raging Gene Ray View Post
    I have an idea for a picture, too. Not so much a request, but a suggestion...that I will spoiler because I feel like a huge pervert asking it:

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    If you ever draw Joan in lingerie (big if, there. Don't let me pressure you if it wasn't something you were planning to do anyway), she should have Banjo the Clown themed underwear.
    O.M.Gs.

    It never crossed my mind. But sure, why not.
    Beware the many wrong things in this spoiler!
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  13. - Top - End - #1333
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Yiuel View Post

    It never crossed my mind. But sure, why not.
    That's because you are obviously less of a drooling pervert than I am...or you probably don't appreciate when underwear has a bit of a personal touch, reflecting the person wearing it as much as I do.
    Last edited by Raging Gene Ray; 2010-01-13 at 01:10 AM.

  14. - Top - End - #1334
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Raging Gene Ray View Post
    That's because you are obviously less of a drooling pervert than I am...or you probably don't appreciate when underwear has a bit of a personal touch, reflecting the person wearing it as much as I do.
    I should then get myself some doublearrowed (see avatar) underwears.
    Beware the many wrong things in this spoiler!
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  15. - Top - End - #1335
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    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Oooohaloophole View Post
    Um, whats whith the wink?...Its just kinda creepy.
    This is the Crack Pairings Thread. Everything is ment to be creepy.

    Quote Originally Posted by ShinyDelusion View Post
    Anyway, sorry I didn't finish yesterday like I said I would, but here's my take on how Nale and Sabine met, with guest appearances from Janine and Radic from Murphy's Law.

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    “So tell me why you came to see me today, Nale.” It was as good a prompt as any, Doctor Yamaha thought. The brat had spent the bulk of the session bragging about how well his latest dungeon crawl had gone (probably because his own friends were sick of hearing about it), so now that there was a lull in the conversation they should probably try to get to some actual therapy.

    “Same stuff as usual,” said the goateed teen with a shrug, “I’m bored. Dad won’t let me command some of his army. I spend more time with Thog than I did with my last girlfriend. I’m here more to spite Dad by wasting his money than for actual help. Don’t think there’s a prescription for that.”

    “Maybe a better girlfriend…” the therapist murmured.

    “Really?” said Nale.

    “No,” said the therapist hurriedly, “I was joking.”

    “Because I think some sexual validation could really help me with my self esteem issues…” the blonde mused.

    “You don’t have self esteem issues, Nale.” You’re an egomaniac. Which was the problem with being the kid’s therapist in the first place; his father was the local Tyrant, so it wouldn’t exactly be the wisest course of action to imply that there was anything wrong with the boy’s consuming obsession with what a gift to the world he was.

    “I’m just putting my mental health first, here,” said Nale quite seriously, “And if I recall correctly, it is your job to do the same.”

    “Of course,” said Yamaha as tolerantly as he could manage, “Alright. Then stop to consider that self esteem comes from within, not without.”

    “I dunno,” said Nale, “I like the idea of sexual validation.”

    “Why haven’t you gone on a campaign yet?” Yamaha soldiered on.

    “Excuse me?” said Nale.

    “You know,” he said, “A campaign. You and Thog have done what? Some grinding? A few mini-quests? If you really want validation, put together a party and start a real campaign; it’ll give you a sense of purpose. Leave home for more than a week for once. Pick out a quest that’ll take some real work. Go have an adventure.”

    “A campaign…” Nale repeated thoughtfully.

    “Yes,” said Yamaha, glad the boy had gotten his mind off—

    “And sexual validation.”

    Yahama sighed and resisted the urge to do a facepalm.

    ---

    An adventure… Nale mused on the way home, And some real validation… Maybe it really was time for a more long-term quest. Getting together a party shouldn’t be too hard, and a good quest ought to come up naturally if he just started out in a big city. And he knew just the place…

    ---

    Cliffport. The big city. Markets. Skyscrapers (five whole stories!). Whorehouses. Parks.

    “Free puppies!”

    “Huh? Thog! Come back here!” Nale snapped out of the awed daze the magnificent city had put him in and chased his friend to the cardboard box filled with tiny wriggling mutts. “I’m not buying you a puppy.”

    “Free puppies,” Thog repeated stubbornly. “Thog want.”

    “I don’t care if they’re free,” said Nale irritably, “You wouldn’t take care of a puppy, and I’m not going to mess with it.”

    “Thog take care of puppy,” said Thog, scratching one of the free puppies behind the ears happily.

    “Yeah, right…” Nale muttered, glancing around. It was getting late. A sign advertising CHEAP ROOMS!!! answered all the questions he had about where they could spend their nights (of course Dad hadn’t loaned him any money for his quest, the cheapskate). “You can stay here. I’ll check us in.”

    There was a short line at the desk in the lobby. After a blonde headed off to her room, two dark-skinned chicks checked in between groping each other and giggling.

    “Lemme guess,” said the lady behind the desk dryly, “Missus and Missus ‘Smith’?”

    “Teehee,” said one of the girls, which was a little weird, Nale thought; he’d never heard someone actually say “Teehee” before. “Room for two,” the girl said, “But we only need the one bed.”

    “Room Sixteen,” the receptionist said, handing them a key.

    That looks like an “adventure”… Nale thought, stepping up to the desk.

    “Checking in?”

    “Yes,” said Nale, eyeing the previous two customers with a leering grin. “Room for two. With two beds,” he added quickly.

    “Name?”

    “Nale.”

    “Nale what?”

    “Nale the Fighter. Slash Rogue. … Slash Sorcerer.”

    “I was fishing for a last name,” the receptionist said flatly, giving him a critical look over the top of her wiry spectacles.

    “Oh,” said Nale, “Uh…” He frowned.

    “That’s fine, honey,” said the receptionist, writing in the record book, “Nale the Fighter slash Rogue. Is that right?”

    “Slash Sorcerer,” Nale mumbled.

    “Right. Room Seventeen,” the receptionist said, handing him a key with a smile. She was thinking about what a wonderful prestige class “Slash Sorcerer” would be.

    “Seventeen,” Nale repeated. “Come on, Thog,” he called over his shoulder.

    “Thog busy,” the half-orc’s voice replied from outside the doorway.

    “We’re not getting a puppy,” Nale said sharply, “So stop playing with them.”

    “Nale mean,” Thog said, entering the building pouting.

    -later that night-

    There was silence in Nale and Thog’s room. Or at least there would be if the walls weren’t so thin.

    “What Nale think happening next door?”

    Wh-what?” Nale jumped nearly three feet straight up in the air from where he’d been standing with his ear to the wall. Recovering his nerves, he said, “I thought you were asleep, Thog.”

    “Thog no sleep. Too much noise. What Nale think happening?”

    Wild, passionate, lesbian love-making that may or may not involve possibly illegal implements and activities, my half-Orc friend. But I don’t feel like giving you a vocabulary lesson right now, so… “It’s just a couple of girls having a pajama party, Thog,” Nale said matter-of-factly, “Go back to sleep.”

    “Thog can’t,” the fighter whined, “Too noisy.” Thog sat up and retrieved his greataxe from where he’d discarded it on the floor. “Thog tell girls to be quiet.” He stood up and headed toward the door.

    “Nonononono!” Nale protested, throwing himself between his friend and the door.

    “Why not?”

    “Oh, for the love of…” Nale sighed and restarted as patiently as he could, “I mean, I saw those girls while I was checking us in, Thog. They’re both really pretty, and they’re having a slumber party; it’s Cootie Central in there, man, you can’t risk it!”

    Thog went green…er and shuddered. “Thog no want cooties.”

    “Right,” said Nale, “So you just get yourself back to bed and forget about it.” As the glorious noise continued and Thog tried to fall asleep with his hands over his ears, Nale wondered if either of the girls next door would be interested in joining a new party…

    ---

    Nale obviously held the favor of multiple gods; he left his room that morning just as the ladies next door were heading out for breakfast.

    “Why hello there,” he said, putting on his most charming smile.

    “Hello yourself,” said one with an impish grin, “You’re cute.”

    “Detect evil,” the other one muttered. “Darn,” she said after a pause, “He is cute, but he’s evil.”

    “But Lawful,” said Nale with a shrug.

    “I don’t mind,” said the first.

    “Well I do,” said the other one, who seemed to be a cleric, “And besides, everyone knows that Chaotic Good and Lawful Evil don’t mix well.”

    “That is true,” said Nale, “Sadly.”

    “Well,” said the one who didn’t mind, “What you don’t understand is, maybe you wouldn’t go for this kind of guy, but,” her eyes began to glow red, “I’m pretty sure he’s exactly my type.”

    “B-but,” said the Outsider’s former partner staring wide-eyed at the Outsider, “I don’t understand. You said you were Chaotic Good, same as me!”

    “Yeah,” the fiend replied, lazily stretching out wings that had suddenly popped out of her back, “If I recall correctly, Sense Motive isn’t a class skill for Clerics, and I get plus nineteen to Bluffs. Think it over.”

    Nale let out a small chuckle. Niiiice…

    “But… but I can’t…” the cleric muttered, obviously very distressed about this turn of events.

    “Now what were you saying, cutie?” said the woman who very well might be the future Mrs. Nale the Fighter/Rogue/Sorcerer to Nale, “The name’s Sabine, by the way.”

    “Nale,” said Nale, taking Sabine’s hand and kissing it pretentiously.

    “Teehee,” said Sabine, her girlish giggle deliciously faked for Nale’s benefit. His heart skipped a beat.

    Or felt like it did anyway; it wasn’t as if he believed such nauseating clichés actually happened. The point was he felt like for the first time in his life, he’d found a girl he could really relate to.

    As pleased as he was with his find, however, there was the matter of… “Isn’t your kind always Chaotic Evil? I’m still Lawful.”

    “Yeah,” said Sabine with a shrug, “But I’ve always figured that Evil gets along with Evil just fine, no matter what the rest of your alignment is.” She winked at him and licked her lips suggestively. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

    No. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned since the first time I cast Suggestion it’s that good chemistry is not a strictly necessary component of a pleasant and functional relationship. “Sure,” he said gamely, “Why not?”

    It looked as if Sabine were about to say something delightfully naughty when a door a little further down the hallway slammed open and a blonde girl with dark circles under her eyes stormed past them, not giving Nale or Sabine a second glance.

    “Good morning, Janine,” said the blonde to Sabine’s recent victim, who was still standing in the hallway, inarticulate. She added perfunctorily, “I don’t need to hear how great the sex was.”

    “I…” said the dumbstruck Cleric, apparently Janine, “I think I need Atonement…”

    “I said I don’t need to hear how great the sex was,” the blonde repeated through gritted teeth, “Now let’s get some breakfast.” The girls left.

    “So…” said Sabine with a sensual grin.

    “So,” said Nale eagerly.

    -A while later-

    “That was fun, baby,” said Sabine.

    “Yeah…” said Nale, a bit dazed.

    “So what are you, an evil adventurer or something?”

    “Uh huh…”

    “That’s cool. Hey, if you’re not already busy with some other quest, I know where you can find this really powerful talisman.”

    “Okay…”



    And now I have to leave because Mom wants the computer and it took me way too long to catch up on new posts. Oh, and for the same reason I didn't have time to do my usual last-minute edit, so sorry if anything's weird.
    *falls over laughing*

    Too funny! Great story ShinyDelusion.

    We seem to be getting alot of great crack fics lately. Maybe its because of the build-up over the winter break.
    Last edited by Aaron; 2010-01-13 at 02:40 AM.
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  16. - Top - End - #1336
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    smile Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Hey Zanil, Beat ya to the draw. Just Kidding Your pic Will probably Kickass more than mine.

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    Because wearing your Mentors eyes as earings is the latest fashion trend.
    [COLOR="Black"]I really Wanted Strait hiar for tiasal and I went an original way and made the "Conqour the World Necromancer Rather Than a Slut Necromancer or Epic Lich/Wizardes Necromancer


    Also Yuriel, Wouldnt you Worship The HERO that saved you rather than a Clown Puppet He uses to play with? Like The Dark one was a Hero To his nation and Became a god.
    Last edited by Oooohaloophole; 2010-01-13 at 03:38 AM.

  17. - Top - End - #1337
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Dark_Apprentice: Roy's Sword x Trap was quite good.

    ShinyDelusion: I laughed. Hard. Great work.

    Yieul: Nice pic.

    Oooohaloophole: That's a very frightening, almost apocalyptic look at how Tiasal could grow.

    On a semi-related note, I could see Tiasal multiclassing Wizard and Sorcerer and taking that ridiculous Ultimate Magus prestige class. Sure, it's not optimized, but it's like arcana overkill!

    Tiasal: You cannot best me, for I have more spells than you have hit points!

    Enemy: You mean, your spells can do more damage to me than my total hit points, even given that I make some of my saves?

    Tiasal: No. No I do not.

    **Edit: Post #LEET. Yeah, that's right.**
    Last edited by Dark_Stryke; 2010-01-13 at 04:57 AM.

  18. - Top - End - #1338
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Thank you to those who liked my fics.

    @Yiuel If it wasn't clear, in the first fic it wasn't Julio but someone who had their brain snapped by this thread and began to believe that they were Julio.

    @Dark Apprentice Yes and if anyone has snapped from reading this thread and temporarily believed that they were an Oots character or something I'd love to hear about it.

    As for the Miko/Thog, you've convinced me, but I've got to work out some stuff before writing more of it.

  19. - Top - End - #1339
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Sereg View Post
    @Yiuel If it wasn't clear, in the first fic it wasn't Julio but someone who had their brain snapped by this thread and began to believe that they were Julio.
    It wasn't clear.

    (Also updated my last picture, because I felt that something was wrong. Now it looks ten times better.)

    Oooohaloophole : Said Hero also worships Banjo.
    Last edited by Yiuel; 2010-01-13 at 11:25 AM.
    Beware the many wrong things in this spoiler!
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    The Order of the Stick Jr.
    Meet : Alexander, Joan, Ross, Leilandius, Hitomi, Ngoc and Arduvanius


    As interpreted (and drawn) by yours truly, Yiuel

    Yiuel LeMelvillois
    Only on blank paper do we write the best stories...

  20. - Top - End - #1340
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Well, I have my laptop back, and what's the first thing I do with it? Crack pairings. Not sure about how this one turned out, but I did sort of promise it to this thread, so:
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    AAAHHHH!!!

    As soon as the piercing scream woke the inn, the Order rushed for Vaarsuvius' room with their customary levels of professionalism.

    The next sound to shatter the stillness of the morning was the window as Elan flew through it. Haley ran in soon after, wearing what could be considered in some circles leather armor. "You know, we're just down the hall. You can use the door on occasion."

    Roy made it to the room next. "Where's theGAH! ELAN! A lack of pants in no way renders you invisible! Haley, those don't count! V, what is it?"

    As Dorkun entered the room, and Haley ruefully handed Elan a towel, Vaarsuvius nervously pointed to the bed. There, lying amid rumpled bedclotes, was a speckled egg the size of a fist.

    "Vaarsuvius, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but, why, exactly, is there an egg in the middle of your bed?"

    "Sir Greenhilt, it...appears...and I just confirmed by divination...that I laid it in the middle of the night. I can think of no spell that would do that, though.
    I cannot fathom how this happened."

    "Och, elf! Didn't yer parents e'er talk ta ye about tha' facts o' life? "

    "Yes, however I-"

    "V, I thought you knew this at the time, but that yummy elf with the silver hair you spent the night with a month ago was a polymorphed dragon. And since dragons are reptiles..." Haley's voice trailed off.

    "Do you know how many dragons have courted me recently? Recent events have somewhat raised my status with the various true dragons. And yes, dragons and dragon-mates lay eggs. I, however, should not have!"

    Dorkun looked at the elf gravely. "V, sometimes protection spells fail. This may na be tha best time or place for it, but the gods hae blessed ye wit a gift. An since e'en half-dragon eggs take a while to hatch, ya can take the time ta bring it into a world witout the lich and maybe e'en wit a proper home.

    V looked at the dwarf, still holding the deer-in-headlights expression. "But...but...You insufferably blind fools, I AM MALE!"

    The silence was finally broken by Belkar stumbling into the room, yawning. "What'd I miss? Did something eat the elf?"
    [/sarcasm]
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    ...*Falls over laughing*

    Can't...breathe...laughter...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA *Falls unconcious from lack of oxygen*

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Oooohaloophole View Post
    Hey Zanil, Beat ya to the draw. Just Kidding Your pic Will probably Kickass more than mine.
    Yay for little girls growing up to be omnicidal maniacs?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dark_Stryke View Post
    Oooohaloophole: That's a very frightening, almost apocalyptic look at how Tiasal could grow.

    On a semi-related note, I could see Tiasal multiclassing Wizard and Sorcerer and taking that ridiculous Ultimate Magus prestige class. Sure, it's not optimized, but it's like arcana overkill!
    I think that, if she multiclassed to anything, it'd probably be rogue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Oooohaloophole View Post
    Edit: And watersmurf, will the main story have a happy ending? I hope so but knowing very little of you I understand ...Probabaly not.
    *shrugs* Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

    Anyway, I'm pretty sure that only a handful of you are interested, but I'm still stuck on PM and CoP, so I wrote another PotG chapter. I'm not sure how in-character everyone is, so any feedback in that area would be great.

    Enjoy!

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    “Stop! Stop!”

    The hard dirt ground had jagged pieces of twisted metal and broken glass jutting from it, giving the land the appearance of having teeth and attempting to eat them. Decrepit, abandoned houses were falling apart around them, splintered wood sticking out from the broken roofs and walls, but the runners could hardly see them. The black sky above was devoid of a light source save for the stars.

    “We have to go back!”

    Yutrin mindlessly tightened his grip and kept running, zipping through the earth’s teeth, praying desperately the whole way, sparing breath only to murmur frantically to his god.

    “WE HAVE TO GO BACK!”

    They tumbled into one of the more intact houses. Yutrin let Mijung go, slamming the door shut behind them and going still, trying to catch his breath.

    “YOU COWARDLY BASTARD!”

    Mijung turned and punched him squarely in the jaw.

    Yutrin tried to recoil, but he was caught between her and the door.

    “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

    The woman punched his face again before beating his chest with her fists. Yutrin flinched, pressing his back up against the door, and his heart beat increased. He tried to remind himself that Mijung wouldn’t kill him. He wasn’t so convinced, though.

    His arms stayed loose at his sides.

    “HE’S DEAD! HE’S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!”

    She slammed her fist against his jaw again before shoving him up against the door, turning away sharply with a furious shout and sitting down on a bed that was in the middle of the room, bending over and letting out a frustrated growl. “All because you’re a damn dishonorable coward… Kraagor, my husband's friend and comrade, is dead because you’re a dishonorable coward…”

    Silence reigned.

    Yutrin took a moment to catch his breath, rubbing the blood from his mouth slowly, wincing when his hand came against a growing bruise on his jaw. His throat was raw. Kraagor wasn’t with them.

    Kraagor was probably killed.

    Yutrin had run away and left him.

    The goblin swallowed hard, looking down and shaking gently with exhaustion. Blood was pooling from his feet, and Mijung had left bloody footprints on the floor. They must have shredded themselves on the glass and metal outside without realizing it.

    He went down on his knees, keeping his throbbing feet from touching the ground with a wince, and silently crawled to Mijung, timidly taking one of the feet hanging off the edge of bed in hand and delicately picking out jagged pieces of metal and glass. She winced, hissing in pain and fury, and swiped at his burnt ear.

    He flinched away with flares of pain shooting through his ear and face, trying to keep his whimpers down his throat, and he lightly fingered his holy symbol before crawling back and pulling the pieces out of the woman’s foot gently. This time, Mijung didn’t strike him.

    Blood stained his hands, and he wasn’t sure how much of it was Mijung’s. He ran the pad of his finger along her foot, feeling for any other foreign objects. When he was satisfied that there were none left, he swept up the sharp things in his palm, wincing when some of it cut his skin, and put them in the corner were they were unlikely to step until he could dispose of it all properly.

    He made a furtive glance around the room, looking for any source of clean water or bandages in vain before biting his sleeve, using his sharp teeth to make a tear before ripping three strips from it. He used the first to clean the silent woman’s cuts as best he could, praying silently to the Dark One that none of them would be infected, before he wrapped them gently in the last two strips.

    He scanned Mijung for any other wounds, avoiding looking at her face, and with a wince he saw that he had gripped her arm while running so hard that his claws had torn through her flesh.

    He tentatively held her wrist, half expecting her to hit him again, and tore another strip from his sleeve, cleaning and wrapping the gouges in her arm. The fire crackled gently in the background as Yutrin finished with the claw marks, flinching away immediately, trying to avoid any other slaps and starting to pull out glass and metal lodged in his own feet.

    Wait…

    Yutrin frowned.

    They hadn’t put on a fire.

    Mijung seemed to realize this at the same time as Yutrin as they both looked to the lit hearth in panic. Had they been followed?

    The non-human woman who had healed them poked the fire gently. “It gets cold at night. You will need fire. Your hearths will burn any time you are home, so long as hope still lives.”

    She looked up and smiled mildly, but her face was sunken and ashen. It looked as though illness had taken her by a storm.

    Mijung stood up immediately, inflamed. “What the hell is going on?! Where are we?! Who are you?! What happened to Kraagor?! I’m sick and tired of being dragged around like a puppet without any answers!”

    The non-human woman leaned tiredly against the wall, the inner radiance that made her glow diminished. “So many questions. In this world, there are few answers.”

    “Then answer them!”

    The non-human looked up at Mijung, ember eyes glowing softly, before she smiled sadly. “You will have a visitor tonight. Do not offend her—she has been quicker to curse mortals as of late.” She looked back at the hearth. “I am called many things, but the gods call me Hestia.”

    “What’s with this talk of gods?” Mijung frowned, bristling. “Everyone has said something or other about it!”

    “Because that is what we are, daughter.”

    “What?”

    The non-human looked up at the wall, closing her eyes. “I do not think that you have ever heard of us. We worked with the original gods on the first world, this world. But we are more powerful than they. They were angry. We were betrayed.”

    She opened her eyes again, looking to Mijung. “I do not ask that you believe me. I ask that you listen.”

    A thin silver chain around Mijung’s neck that hadn’t been there before gleamed in the light. She seemed to become aware of it only at that moment. She quickly looked down, pulling a small amulet from inside her shirt and staring at it. It was a crossroads symbol carved into a piece of obsidian.

    “What…?”

    Yutrin frowned suspiciously at the amulet, but said nothing.

    “Daughter, you are three weeks pregnant by your husband, Soon Kim.”

    Mijung looked back up at the non-human, pupils retracting to tiny pinpoints and teeth clenching. Yutrin let out a surprised sound from his throat, but quickly shut up again.

    “I haven’t been with Soon in months!” Mijung shook her head sharply. “That’s impossible.”

    “No, it is not.” The non-human straightened up, walking to the window and gesturing out at the stars. “In this world, Cronos, the lord of time, and Hades, the lord of the dead, are asleep. Time and death no longer have significance, meaning, or existence for as long as they rest. You were pregnant when you came here, and so you remain.”

    “That makes no sense!”

    The non-human woman looked back at Mijung. “You do not have to believe me now. If you keep the amulet on, then you shall see the truth for yourself. It will allow your pregnancy to continue through its stages at a normal rate. It will allow you and the unborn to age. If you give birth to one child, give it the amulet until it has become a young adult, in which case, take it away and wait until another person must age. If you give birth to two, snap the amulet in half and give them both a piece.”

    “What?!”

    “Artemis and Apollo hunt you for your unborn. You are under my and Hecate’s protection for as long as you stay here in the wilderness, but you will soon need to leave it.”

    “This makes no sense! Start making sense! Who are Artemis and Apollo?! The people who we just ran from? Who’s Hecate?! Where are we?! Are you all insane or are you trying to drive me crazy?!”

    “It will make sense soon enough.”

    The hearth flared and she was gone.

    ---

    Mijung scowled darkly at the wall, obviously barely tolerating it as Yutrin carefully felt her stomach. The goblin tried to ignore the fear and awkwardness running through his veins and he concentrated on whether or not he could find any swelling.

    He swallowed hard when his hands found a definite firmness in the right area.

    “I think she’s right, Mijung,” Yutrin said softly, pulling his hands away. “Have you had your period since you came here?”

    The woman’s face went red, but luckily, she recognized the medical relevancy of the question. “No. I wasn’t paying attention to that, and I didn’t realize that I had been missing them.”

    Yutrin resisted the urge to swallow again. “I can’t tell for sure without a spell, but if you keep that thing on and you still don’t have a period, then she was telling the truth.”

    Mijung’s glare intensified. “She wasn’t telling the truth. None of this makes sense. I can’t be pregnant, and if I am, Soon can’t be the father. I haven’t been with him for months and I haven’t slept with anyone since we parted.”

    “It’s true that none of this makes sense, but if it hasn’t made sense up until now, then it’s possible that time doesn’t flow right here.”

    Mijung made a jerking motion with her hand and Yutrin flinched back, expecting a slap, but the woman didn’t strike him. Her glare bore a hole through his face, however. She hadn’t forgotten about Kraagor.

    He hadn’t either.

    “I…” Yutrin looked away, rubbing the back of his head. “We’ll need to find someplace to get food and water. It looks like… Hestia?... handled our fire needs. I’ll go try to find anything else.”

    Mijung glared at him before looking away. He could see what she was thinking just as clearly as if she had said it.

    She hoped he would die out there.

    Yutrin looked away, his ears drooping, and pulled off his shirt, ripping it in two and wrapping his still-bloody feet to protect them from any more sharp objects.

    “I’ll try to come back with food and water as fast as I can.”

    He was gone without her saying anything.

    ---

    Yutrin thought he had known true fear when he had been hunted down by humans and elves alike, all out to murder him. He thought that he had known true fear when he stayed awake at night while all his brothers and sisters slept, trying to imagine which one of them would survive to adulthood and which would be slaughtered while they were still children.

    But he hadn’t known fear.

    This was fear.

    There was absolutely nothing around him. Just the stars in the sky and the barren ground below, and the few ghosts of lifeless houses.

    This was truly aloneness. This was the graveyard of hope. This would be the death of his sanity if he didn’t have Mijung to go back to.

    He wasn’t sure how long he had been hiking. He hadn’t had to stop to eat, drink, sleep, or indulge in any other need since he had started, so he supposed that he couldn’t have been gone long.

    He shivered from the cold, wandering through the broken houses, reluctant to touch the wide-open barren landscape beyond the remains of the town. If a town was there, that meant that there at least used to be food and water. No one settled somewhere where people couldn’t live.

    The silence was unnatural. Towns should be bustling with life, but this… it was dead. He wanted to run to Mijung and hide behind her, but somehow, he figured that that wouldn’t be taken well.

    Besides, if she was pregnant, he would need to be the one to go out into this silence and find a way to provide for her. The baby wasn’t his, so he didn’t feel that goblin instinct to protect her, but he still refused to consider letting a pregnant woman, no matter the species, go out in a broken glass-filled environment to find her own food.

    That didn’t make him any less uneasy.

    There was the soft rustling of wind through feathers. Yutrin looked up sharply, tensing, ready to zip into the shadows.

    “You don’t have to be so nervous.”

    Yutrin jumped with a yelp and started to run, slipping and falling on the ground. He shouted in pain, metal and glass digging deep in his flesh, and he scrambled to stand up.

    A cold pair of hands cupped his face gently and he felt himself freeze.

    “Don’t be afraid.”

    Icy breath blew gently against his forehead, burying itself in his bones and making him tremble.

    “We only want to see you for a moment.”

    Another pair of hands touched his head, their skin cooling his burns.

    “So sleep. And dream.”

    There wasn’t any use fighting it. Whatever these were, they were stronger than he was. And he didn’t have the will to fight anymore.

    Warmth ran through his tired veins and Yutrin slowly fell asleep.


    Thoughts?
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2010-01-13 at 01:33 PM.

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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  23. - Top - End - #1343
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Closak View Post
    ...*Falls over laughing*

    Can't...breathe...laughter...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA *Falls unconcious from lack of oxygen*
    My work here is done.
    [/sarcasm]
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    smile Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Yay for little girls growing up to be omnicidal maniacs?
    Well this is the End of the Line EVIL set, the final conclusion if the evil side wins.

    Il make a Good Tiasal Sorceress next.
    And You wanted an evil Tiasal? You Get a friggin SUPER EVIL taisal

    Edit: And Closak I Brought a prezzie from the Not quite Cursed Items thread
    Can't go wrong with a classic (I'm doing this by recollection, since I can't find the thread)
    Sword of Dragon Laying: Functions as a normal +5 sword, until the wielder encounters a dragon. At which point it casts charm person on both the wielder and the dragon to convince them to have sexual relations (bypasses SR, DC 50 save). If the two are both of the same sex, the sword will reverse the gender of the wielder for the length of a potential pregnancy +1d12 months. If one of the parties gets pregnant, the sword casts Geas on the female party to make her carry the child to term (she resists all attempts to get her to get rid of the child, or polymorph her back into her original form if shifted)
    ......F***, I thought I had A higher will save.

    And Shinydelusion, IT KICKS TOTAL HALaroise ass. Very funny.
    Last edited by Oooohaloophole; 2010-01-13 at 03:16 PM.

  25. - Top - End - #1345
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    How to say a lot in a few words:

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    - What was the last thing Ian Starshine said to Haley Starshine?
    ...
    - Don't worry. All dads do this with their daughters.


    What do you think?
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    Oooh, and that's a bad miss.

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  26. - Top - End - #1346
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    ShinyDelusion: So funny and quite believable.

    Water-Smurf: *sighs* No offence to anyone else but this is why I come to this board, for ANY of your stories! Please never stop writing. Not being familier with the characters (apart from what you have written) I can't really comment but they feel right.
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  27. - Top - End - #1347
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Anyway, I'm pretty sure that only a handful of you are interested, but I'm still stuck on PM and CoP, so I wrote another PotG chapter. I'm not sure how in-character everyone is, so any feedback in that area would be great.

    Enjoy!

    Thoughts?
    At least she has a cleric with her.

    I wonder though; if time doesn't flow, do wounds still heal?

    I have to agree with Taekwondodo, it's hard to judge incharacter-ness at this stage with minor characters, although they seem fine. I like Yutrin for some reason, I think you're doing well to make his sympathetic without being too woobie-ish.

    BTW, how do you pronounce Yutrin? Is it Yoo-trin or Yuh-trin? Or is the Y pronounced as an 'i'?


    Oh, and finally *sends some plot-bunnies back to Water-Smurf* If nothing else, they'll keep you company.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2010-01-13 at 02:56 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  28. - Top - End - #1348
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    do plot bunnies help you think up plots?

  29. - Top - End - #1349
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuubi View Post
    do plot bunnies help you think up plots?
    They are spawned from the communal story ideas that the hive mind of society accumulates. Most live out of reach and die, never to be used, but it is said that a certain ritual can be used to break down the bunnies into their raw form, allowing the ideas to be used.

    Truely, it is a dangerous - yet tasty - undertaking.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2010-01-13 at 03:47 PM.
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  30. - Top - End - #1350
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

    Sword of Dragon Laying: Functions as a normal +5 sword, until the wielder encounters a dragon. At which point it casts charm person on both the wielder and the dragon to convince them to have sexual relations (bypasses SR, DC 50 save). If the two are both of the same sex, the sword will reverse the gender of the wielder for the length of a potential pregnancy +1d12 months. If one of the parties gets pregnant, the sword casts Geas on the female party to make her carry the child to term (she resists all attempts to get her to get rid of the child, or polymorph her back into her original form if shifted)
    ...So totally going to use this.

    Hey ABD! *Sword activates*

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