Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

[TheBibliophile]

OH MY GODS WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!! And there's a shortage of Brain Bleach too!!! Dammit! This is going to give nightmares to a few of you, I just know it!

Well, since it's quarter to one in the morning here...

Don't ask.

[Lycan 01]

@ Water-Smurf: So yeah, I read the whole VxRedcloak series. I... I just have to say wow. These stories are... they're... wow. You are an amazing writer. That's really all there is to say... That, and you make Xykon really frickin' scary.


@ esmerelder: Hah hah! That was great! Can we get some more stuff like this, please? I love the way you mess with the OotS...


@ silverraptor: WHY!!?!!

[Silverraptor]

@ silverraptor: WHY!!?!!

I don't know! Someone help me, please! No! Don't RUN FROM ME!!! PLEASE!!!

Good work, I like this. But there is one small problem, isn't Roy's sisters name Julia? I think you called her Sarah, which is his mom's name.

Thanks. I edit'd it.

[The Blackbird]

I don't know! Someone help me, please! No! Don't RUN FROM ME!!! PLEASE!!!

Why Silverraptor, I didn't know you took Craft Disturbing Mental Image as your feat last level.

Well acutally, it's not that much disturbing as it is important context.

Important sexy context.

[Silverraptor]

Why Silverraptor, I didn't know you took Craft Disturbing Mental Image as your feat last level.

Well acutally, it's not that much disturbing as it is important context.

Important sexy context.

Quiet you! I still hold your character in my comic hostage.

[Lycan 01]

Right, so... I realized I haven't done a V story. I haven't even touched on the topic of V being in a crack pairing, have I? I suddenly feel like I've kinda... messed up. Like that was something I should have done a long, long time ago.

So... I've got an idea in my head. Its a disturbing idea, and one that I probably shouldn't put any thought into. But at the same time, it would be decidedly more cracky than anything else I've written thus far.

Anybody want to see if I can write V x everypersonwhoIthinkofwhilewritingthestory?

Or, if ya'll prefer, I could work on Chapter 3 of Miko x Redcloak, in which the pairing part of the story actually rears its ugly head... Whatever works.

[esmerelder]

Aww, thanks everyone!

@ MasamuneSSX -- I'm sorry! *offers wrapped gift-set containing one large bottle of brain bleach for you and one smaller one for your therapist*

@ Kaytara & Discord -- You are not allowed to crawl into a corner unless you promise to sit in there all day writing and drawing stuff, and regularly posting it on the walls for us to look at!

It would be fun to write something about Team Evil, but I'm not sure if I could think of anything more perverted for them to do than the stuff they already get up to by themselves! I'm sure the Linear Guild and the Sapphire Guard have got some pretty embarrassing secrets, though...

(Also, silly question and feel free to ignore if this isn't the right place, but does anyone know how to figure out what the elf equivalent of being about 11 years old in a human would be?)

[Kyronea]

*accepts potion from TheBibliophile and downs it!* Thanks, I needed that!

I'm so glad I finally finished this! Basically, it's the whole OOTS/the whole OOTS. Contains any number of disturbing mental images, some irresponsible behaviour with alcohol, and an explanation of why you shouldn't steal elves' underwear.

Seven Secrets About the Order of the Stick

Spoiler

Show

1. For once, Belkar wasn’t just being obnoxious – he really did mean it when he said Roy was a smokin’ hot babe. What isn't there to like? All height and cheekbones, broad shoulders and lithely muscled frame, big capable hands. Serious coal-black eyes with long dark lashes, and just enough of a temper to make life interesting.

What he fails to understand is why anyone should think that the stupid belt had anything to do with it. Hey, it’s hardly his fault if the others are going to assume that his loud and frequent expressions of appreciation for the seafood buffet mean that he doesn’t also like to sample the sausage platter on occasion. The Belkster is perfectly happy enjoying the whole menu, thanks.

* * *

2. Shortly before the formation of the Order of the Stick, Roy and Durkon spent an evening together. It was night of thunderstorms, which Durkon took as a signal from Thor to remain indoors, and Roy took as a signal that the night-market he'd planned to go to had probably been cancelled. Bored out of their brains, Durkon decided to teach Roy one of his favourite childhood drinking games. He was, of course, careful to choose one that was generally played by six-year-old dwarves and under, and breathed a secret sigh of relief when Roy failed to spot how blatantly the dwarf had allowed him to win. Roy then taught Durkon the Official Fighting and Drinking Song of Bash U, which seemed to involve standing on chairs and screaming 'YAARGH!' a lot before sticking one's head in a bucket of ale and blowing bubbles. Following this, they decided they were still bored, and made up a drinking game of their own which ran along the lines of 'Drink Every Time The Terrible, Terrible Bard At This Stupid Inn Drops a Note, Repeats A Song, or Tells That One Joke About The Alligator and the Bucket Again'.

After this, things get a little hazy, but at some point Roy invented a significantly less fun game called 'Drunkenly Rant About Being A Massive Disappointment to One's Father' and insisted on playing it until they were asked to leave the bar. Back in their room, Durkon created the 'Hug Roy and Tell Him He's Your Best Friend and You Really Love Him' game. This was followed by Roy's invention of the game 'Tell Durkon He's Amazing And You Love Him Too', and Durkon's creation of the 'Hey, You Know I Think I Have Another Flask of Whiskey In My Pack Somewhere' game. History does not record which one started playing the 'Your Best Friend Is Awesome And You Really Should Kiss Him' game, but it was followed by the 'Mmn, That Feels Nice, Do It Again' game, which went on for several hours before they passed out (Durkon on top of the wardrobe, for some reason, and Roy with his head in the mercifully unlit fireplace).

In the hideous grey-white morning, in between attacks of vomiting and sincerely-expressed wishes for swift death, they made up another game called 'Tell Ourselves That Sometimes These Things Happen, Particularly Between Close Friends Who Have Been Under a Lot of Stress Lately, and It Doesn't Mean Anything, No Really, It's A Completely Normal Part of Life', and played it with great enthusiasm for several hours.

They then spent the next two and a half years playing 'Don't Ever Mention That Evening Again', and got very good at it indeed.

* * *

3. The confirmedly male members of the Order are under the collective impression that Haley insists upon sharing a room with Vaarsuvius whenever the company stays at inns because the elf is a) a fellow female, b) rendered completely proof against transgression by a happy and secure marriage and/or c) utterly, unthreateningly, asexual.

The confirmedly male members of the Order are dead wrong on at least two counts out of three.

* * *

4. Elan is so, so happy that everyone is all back together again. It's especially nice to be back with Haley - she's smart and beautiful and he loves her so much and he just can't wait for them to get their happy ending! However, he does have to confess that there's someone else he's glad to see too. Well, Roy, of course. Cool, awesome Roy, who's like all the best bits of a big brother and a dad put together, with the added bonus of hardly ever attempting to murder him! But someone else even besides *that*...

He's never admitted this to anyone else, not really even to himself, and he certainly couldn't talk about it with Haley. The thing is, he finds that he can't help but experience certain funny feelings of – well, let's call it 'excitement' – when Belkar starts getting violent, or chases him around and around the camp with his daggers out. The feeling is completely different to the sensation of running away from any of the other things that have tried to kill him so far on this adventure -- it's not terror, or rather, it is, but edged with a fierce joy and a queasy half-nervous curiosity about what the halfling would actually do with him if he caught him. He knows it wouldn't be very nice at all, and yet he still sort of wants it to happen. It's weird -- why would he enjoy someone being mean and hurting him? Why would he be unable to stop thinking about being pounced and tumbled in the dust by someone half his size and three times his strength, of thick dark bruises to be kissed better, of cold steel tracing a delicate path down his naked back...

Lately, he’s taken to mildly annoying Belkar on purpose, just for the fun of running shrieking across the hot sand, and one day soon he’s going to get himself caught.

* * *

5. Momentarily distracted from spellwork, V drifts and daydreams. 'Hmm. While I am by no means either practically or emotionally in a position to conduct a further relationship at this stage, and while romantic speculations are in any case not a particularly productive use of my valuable research time, the topic remains compelling. If some nefarious figure were to hold a crossbow to my head, or perhaps some irresistible libido-enhancing spell were to come into effect in conjunction with some catastrophic Will saves, and I were to be forced to enter into physical congress with one of my companions, which member of the party would I choose?

A difficult and complex question. Prior romantic engagements aside, while the bard is objectively the most conventionally attractive member of the group, physical intimacy would no doubt be problematic if one felt continually compelled to throttle one's partner -- or at the very least, the character of the sexual act would be fundamentally changed. Leaving him aside, Miss Starshine? She is intelligent, sympathetic and more beautiful than she will ever know. But to risk a friend -- and such an admirable one -- over a matter as frivolous as temporary carnal gratification? Never. Master Thundershield? Please, no. The unfortunate antics of one Legolas Greenleaf aside, elves are generally strongly repelled by facial hair, and the very thought of that accent ('aye, V'suv'yus, aye! Haerder!) giving voice to the throes of sexual passion is enough to impel one towards monasticism. That leaves only...'

V's eyes temporarily cross in horror. Hir idle, distracted mind has somehow seized upon the image of Sir Greenhilt (who has beautiful hands, and smells like woodsmoke and old leather) *and* the halfling (presses just a little too hard when he kisses, and has the most wickedly sharp little white teeth). Not only are both images distractingly beguiling, but in hir mind the figures are *together*, and are beckoning hir to *join in*. The scenario that flashes before hir eyes also includes, for some reason, a large bed with satin sheets, a bull-whip and an extra-large jar of sticky orange marmalade.

V makes a noise that sounds exactly like a small dying kitten, and begins scrabbling desperately through hir bag for a potion of 'Remove Mental Image'.

* * *

6. It would all have been just fine if Belkar hadn't made a slight miscalculation on the afternoon of New Year's Eve in Azure City. The whole V's-gender-debate had been getting on everybody's nerves for far too long, and since he was at a loose end, he decided to make his own fun. He'd been mooching around the inn courtyard looking for small animals to kick when he was struck by a brilliant idea: pheromones! Of course! Now, while humans, dwarves and most other races were stinky enough that a halfling with a decent nose could tell their gender three city blocks away, elves were a more difficult proposition. He'd never managed to get close enough to sniff Vaarsuvius properly on the road, especially since the pain-in-the-ass elf had the habit of trancing off the ground, usually a little too high for him to reach. Now, though, with bedsheets and dirty robes and unguarded laundry baskets lying around...

He'd thought things were pretty bad when Haley had first caught him. She'd given him the oddest look of her life when she'd entered the room she and V shared, only to bust him with his nose buried in a pair of weird purple elven undergarments. He'd thought it was even worse when she then gave him a forty-five minute lecture on respecting the privacy of one's team-mates and charged him a 70gp 'Not-Squealing-to-Roy-and-the-Paladin-Patrol' fee.

He only really discovered how bad things could get, though, when he ran into the beautiful, clever, gifted, stunningly attr STUPID elf at dinner that night, and realised exactly how powerful elven pheromones could be, and why elven underwear was best left unsmelled.

* * *

7. There is one secret that wild horses, Epic-level torture and all of the demons of all of the possible hells cannot possibly drag out of Roy. It is this: during the burning inn rescue on the road to Azure City, something terrible had happened to him. He'd been wearing the Girdle of Masculinity/Femininity at the time, his brain and body attempting to deal with a new and somewhat unstable cocktail of hormones as well as some inept assassins, a raging building fire and the usual chaos that accompanies the Order wherever it goes. He'd been hobbling down a corridor in the soon-to-be-razed inn, half-dragging and half-carrying a horribly-poisoned Elan and desperately searching for Durkon or V to heal him. He had stopped to check their direction, and for one fatal second, made the mistake of looking down into the bard's pale face, his beautiful summer-blue eyes rolling back in his head, butter-coloured hair flopping loose on his pale, sweaty forehead, light frame trembling in Roy's arms. The terrible thing is this: for one horrible, unspeakable moment, Roy totally understood what all the ladies see in Elan.

Sometimes he still wakes up screaming.

Bwahahaha! That was awesome!

Water-Smurf: I adore your writing. I wish to read more of it as soon as you post more, por favor.

[Dark Faun]

@ Kaytara & Discord -- You are not allowed to crawl into a corner unless you promise to sit in there all day writing and drawing stuff, and regularly posting it on the walls for us to look at!

I'm not as inspired a writer as the others, but I can try. Sadly so far only Miko x Vaarsuvius inspires me, and even then not that much.

It would be fun to write something about Team Evil, but I'm not sure if I could think of anything more perverted for them to do than the stuff they already get up to by themselves! I'm sure the Linear Guild and the Sapphire Guard have got some pretty embarrassing secrets, though...

I've got an idea myself, if I get enough inspiration for a whole plot, I know I'll have fun writing it...

(Also, silly question and feel free to ignore if this isn't the right place, but does anyone know how to figure out what the elf equivalent of being about 11 years old in a human would be?)

I recall Zanaril saying somewhere a good estimate was 6 human years for 1 elven year (making Vaarsuvius around 21 at 130 years old).

[Silverraptor]

*Looks at Discord's signature.*

What the-

[Kyronea]

Speaking of banners, where's that SVG of the text for them?

[Lycan 01]

*Looks at Discord's signature.*

What the-

QFT! QFT!!




Btw, because I hate to be wrong about little details... Is there a spell in 3.5 edition that lets somebody increase their charisma, or how people view them? Like... something to make people like you more, or be friendlier to you? If not, I suppose I can just "homebrew" it, which would actually be funnier...

[Kyronea]

Indeed, such as:

http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/eaglesSplendor.htm

Also, I have a contribution to the crack pairing thread to make:



(Lemme know if that's too risque--I'm honestly unsure judging by what else has been posted in here--and I'll edit it. )

[Silverraptor]

QFT! QFT!!

QFT?

[Kyronea]

QFT?

Quoted for truth.

[Silverraptor]

Quoted for truth.

Ah.

[Lycan 01]

Hm... That might work. Yes... Yes, that might work, indeed. *evil grin*


Oh, and that banner is wrong on so many levels.

[Kyronea]

Hm... That might work. Yes... Yes, that might work, indeed. *evil grin*


Oh, and that banner is wrong on so many levels.

I try my best.

Now if only I could write well enough to actually spit out some crack based on it...

[rangermania]

Well I've got on to this with real enthusiasm to use my writing abilities. But with the match-up I got I couldn't help my self to photosop my way out of 3 different comic stripss...

Here I present you...a new banner!

P.S: I ll name it as "If it is unevitable,try to enjoy it!"

[Dark Faun]

Speaking of banners, where's that SVG of the text for them?

It seems you don't need it anymore, but for those who still do, here it is.

[Silverraptor]

It seems you don't need it anymore, but for those who still do, here it is.

I think this should be put on the OP.

By the way, when are we going to get an update of the list of crack stories?

[The Odor]

God has reveled he's true face. It's Water Smurf. By the way yes it was rushed Taekwondodo i only had two hours by the computer and i had five pages to read and i wanted to write.










Great everyone. God my stuff looks crapy.

[Kyronea]

It seems you don't need it anymore, but for those who still do, here it is.

Ah, yes, thank you, though yes, I did manage to track it down.

Should, as Silverraptor says, be put in the OP though.

[Zanaril]

Good work, I like this. But there is one small problem, isn't Roy's sisters name Julia? I think you called her Sarah, which is his mom's name.

All that does is make an completely implausable scenareo impossible.

[Silverraptor]

Well, I guess it's that time to continue the Kyrie story. In the mean time however, though I hate to advertise in someone else's thread (Ok, I lie, I totally enjoy doing this) I have a webcomic.

For those of you who want to check it out while I write the story, here's the Link. It's not crack-paring, but it's my work. And as I say, it's for those of you who are bored waiting for the next story.

[Silverraptor]

And a part III to the Kyrie story (How did I get into this situation?)

Spoiler

Show

Well, let's get a move on.

Clouds of different colors swarm up around the fiends as they summon themselves to a different domian.

Right, I'll get to work on that popcorn.

*Pop* So, I guess we just watch what happens next.

Oh most definately. Huddle around the couch. Wait... It just shows the place we offered the deal.

Qarr, do you have it set to the wrong setting?

Ummm... I don't know. Do I?

Yes he does, it's set to location.

From where he's making popcorn. Awww... we're missing the beginning.

Not to worry, I have this under control. Timestop button. *Click*

What are you doing?

He's stopping time while we try to catch up on what's happening. Or atleast I think he is...

Where is that button?!

Here, let me do it. Takes remote and fiddles with it. Ah! There we go.

Comes over with popcorn. Yes, you got it to work. There's are former customer now.

I still can't get use to that familiar.

Shhh. Turn it up.

"-sufferable buffons!"

"Now, now, V. You kept forgetting about me as well."

"Yes! But I explained your existance about you earlier today, and they apparently have forgotten our disscusion!"

"Well, I'm not really bothered. Though it's probably beause I'm used to it."

"Ya, well... My roaming band of remember-not group is trying my patience. I hope that I won't-"

*Pop*

"Suvie! We have unfinished business!"

"Great elven gods! Is that... Inkyrius?! What-"

"Silence! You know very well what has happened. Can yo-"

...

What the heck? Why'd it stop.

We finally caught up to the present.

Right, stopping time freeze then. *Click*

"-u guess what?"

"Uh... You made the same deal with the fiends I used when I returned home as an act of vengence against me?"

"Yes, very good. Though now I understand why you didn't want to part with this lovely power." Flys down closer to Vaarsuvius. "But understanding won't stop me from getting vengence of what you pulled in the court house."

"Wait, Inkyrius, please understand! It was not my intension to perform such a method as to going that far-"

"SILENCE!! Bigby's Grasping Hand!"

A large arcane hand grabs Vaarsuvius by the arms and hoists the elf into the air.

"What are you-?"

"Extracting my revenge through a similar method you tricked me. I know for a fact you don't have the still spell feat when I fell asleep that one time with the rope. How many hours were you tied to the bed again?"

"Holy Crap!! I'm getting help V!!"

"No you're not you carion bird! Hold Monster!"

Blackwing freezes and falls to the ground.

"Now where were we? Ah, yes." A wicked grin appears on Inkyrius's face upon seeing the helpless elf dangling from the arms.

"Please, Inkyrius! I beg you to put your emotions aside for one moment and listen to my explinat-"

"Quiet! I would silence you, but I want to hear you screams. Evard's Spiked Tenticles of Forced Intrusion!"

"WHAT!!! HOW DID YOU GET ACCESS TO THAT SPELL!!!!"

"Shouldn't have left your spare spellbook at home, honey."

Ahhh!! I can't watch!! The three fiends close their eyes or look away.

Hurry! Mute it! Quick! As the yells of the elf rings in their ears. At once, there is silence.

Whew! That's a relief.

It certainly is. Can you imagine what could be happening now?

Why imagine it? It's on the screen.

Speaking of which. How will we know when it's over?

I'm not quite sure...

Wait... Why isn't Qarr saying anything?

The three fiends look around at the hovering imp as he's staring wide eye'd at the screen with his mouth open.

Um... Qarr?

And with a thunk, the imp falls and lands onto the floor.

Wow. I didn't know you take non-lethal damage by watching something before.

Especially enough to knock you out.

Bends down and picks up the imp and inspects more closely.

Wait! Some of this damage is Lethal!

And the three fiends look at each other, wide eye'd and slowly leave the room.

Thought I'd end with a joke. How'd you guys like it? I plan to do more. (Oh, woe is me)

[Lycan 01]

Lol @ dead Quarr, though.

[Silverraptor]

Lol @ dead Quarr, though.

Well Qarr's not dead, even though he took *some* lethal damage. Thought I'd reassure you guys about that.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Indeed, such as:

http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/eaglesSplendor.htm

Also, I have a contribution to the crack pairing thread to make:



(Lemme know if that's too risque--I'm honestly unsure judging by what else has been posted in here--and I'll edit it. )

I... I think it IS a bit too risque.

Sorry, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, I won't be adding it to the OP (nice work though!)

Well I've got on to this with real enthusiasm to use my writing abilities. But with the match-up I got I couldn't help my self to photosop my way out of 3 different comic stripss...

Here I present you...a new banner!

P.S: I ll name it as "If it is unevitable,try to enjoy it!"

Added.

Ah, yes, thank you, though yes, I did manage to track it down.

Should, as Silverraptor says, be put in the OP though.

Your wish is my command.

[Silverraptor]

What? No comment about me fiddler? I thought we were friends
Just kidding.