Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Rawhide]

I've done it a few times before, I always delete the post once there's a second post of actual content on the page.

I say again: Do not do this.

[Mr. Mud]

Woes in the form of green text story:

Spoiler

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>be me, in relationship with girl of dreams
>be long distance during part of the year due to job/school
>spend hours looking online for flowershop in her town that accepts online payment
>find viable shop
>proceed to order lots of flowers and even some chocolates
>check gmail to find receipt of order promptly sent.
>four or five days later, receive another email from flower shop owner
>high influx of Valentine's day purchases have made my order impossible to fill
>call girlfriend to tell her how sadpanda I am plans fell through (it wasn't really a surprise)
>girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and don't plan in advance
>and that I'm all talk and I never delivery.
>she says some girls need materialistic reminders of love for
>her to be contented in relationship.
>tells me she's been seeing someone else for a few months
>and he bought her a large bouquet of roses
>mfw

[Malfunctioned]

So about that girl I mentioned before.
Well we were at a friends house for a somewhat nerdy party. Some stuff happened and we ended up talking about...well, us. She basically said she likes me but doesn't want us to end up like her last relationship where she does suddenly stopped wanting the guy and now they never speak, I basically told her that you can't cut out the good things in life based on bad experiences.

We live close to each other on the train so we got the same one home. We were talking a both a little tipsy. We spent a large part of the journey with her resting against me. I started thinking I should kiss her. Then I realised that she was kissing me.

So yeah. I'm not too sure how we stand, but I'm quite pleased with things as they are.

[Serpentine]

Woes in the form of green text story:

Spoiler

Show

>be me, in relationship with girl of dreams
>be long distance during part of the year due to job/school
>spend hours looking online for flowershop in her town that accepts online payment
>find viable shop
>proceed to order lots of flowers and even some chocolates
>check gmail to find receipt of order promptly sent.
>four or five days later, receive another email from flower shop owner
>high influx of Valentine's day purchases have made my order impossible to fill
>call girlfriend to tell her how sadpanda I am plans fell through (it wasn't really a surprise)
>girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and don't plan in advance
>and that I'm all talk and I never delivery.
>she says some girls need materialistic reminders of love for
>her to be contented in relationship.
>tells me she's been seeing someone else for a few months
>and he bought her a large bouquet of roses
>mfw

Whoa. Damn, mate. Not often I say this, but: better off without, I reckon.

[Coidzor]

It sucks, but much better to learn that there's no fidelity there than to have put a ring on it and then found out.

[DeadManSleeping]

Woes in the form of green text story:

Spoiler

Show

>be me, in relationship with girl of dreams
>be long distance during part of the year due to job/school
>spend hours looking online for flowershop in her town that accepts online payment
>find viable shop
>proceed to order lots of flowers and even some chocolates
>check gmail to find receipt of order promptly sent.
>four or five days later, receive another email from flower shop owner
>high influx of Valentine's day purchases have made my order impossible to fill
>call girlfriend to tell her how sadpanda I am plans fell through (it wasn't really a surprise)
>girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and don't plan in advance
>and that I'm all talk and I never delivery.
>she says some girls need materialistic reminders of love for
>her to be contented in relationship.
>tells me she's been seeing someone else for a few months
>and he bought her a large bouquet of roses
>mfw

Sucks, man. But I agree with Serps, you're better off.

So about that girl I mentioned before.
Well we were at a friends house for a somewhat nerdy party. Some stuff happened and we ended up talking about...well, us. She basically said she likes me but doesn't want us to end up like her last relationship where she does suddenly stopped wanting the guy and now they never speak, I basically told her that you can't cut out the good things in life based on bad experiences.

We live close to each other on the train so we got the same one home. We were talking a both a little tipsy. We spent a large part of the journey with her resting against me. I started thinking I should kiss her. Then I realised that she was kissing me.

So yeah. I'm not too sure how we stand, but I'm quite pleased with things as they are.

Make sure she likes the taste of your tonsils without an alcoholic appetizer before you get serious, eh?

[Malfunctioned]

Make sure she likes the taste of your tonsils without an alcoholic appetizer before you get serious, eh?

Considering we've been going through both of us waiting for the right moment to make a move on each other it was more that then "We're drunk so let's kiss". Plus most of the train journey beforehand was spent talking about how we both felt.

[Vella_Malachite]

If you need a fire under your butt, you could make your ringtone this song and arrange to be called while you're with him. Or something similar for getting it played.

Hah! Good idea. I like your style.

[Moonshadow]

Woes in the form of green text story:

Spoiler

Show

>be me, in relationship with girl of dreams
>be long distance during part of the year due to job/school
>spend hours looking online for flowershop in her town that accepts online payment
>find viable shop
>proceed to order lots of flowers and even some chocolates
>check gmail to find receipt of order promptly sent.
>four or five days later, receive another email from flower shop owner
>high influx of Valentine's day purchases have made my order impossible to fill
>call girlfriend to tell her how sadpanda I am plans fell through (it wasn't really a surprise)
>girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and don't plan in advance
>and that I'm all talk and I never delivery.
>she says some girls need materialistic reminders of love for
>her to be contented in relationship.
>tells me she's been seeing someone else for a few months
>and he bought her a large bouquet of roses
>mfw

Mmm. 3rding the "you're better off without" comments :V Cheating isn't exactly a trait many people find pleasing in a partner. That, and the rampant materialism.

I'd say you're lucky to be free of a person like that.

[Ancano]

Single for my 22nd valentine's day in a row (I'm 22 btw). It gets harder and harder to bear every year.

Attractive people don't know how good they have it.

[Starwulf]

Single for my 22nd valentine's day in a row (I'm 22 btw). It gets harder and harder to bear every year.

Attractive people don't know how good they have it.

Looks have little to do with it. As has been said before(to you, and to others), personality, confidence in yourself, the ability to socialize, even if only a little bit, and an ability to connect with someone, that's how you eventually find someone. I was long told by pretty much everyone I know that I wasn't particularly attractive, yet I never had much trouble finding a g/f(well, post-HS anyways), and I'm now happily married and have been for nearly 9 years.

[Ancano]

Looks have little to do with it. As has been said before(to you, and to others), personality, confidence in yourself, the ability to socialize, even if only a little bit, and an ability to connect with someone, that's how you eventually find someone. I was long told by pretty much everyone I know that I wasn't particularly attractive, yet I never had much trouble finding a g/f(well, post-HS anyways), and I'm now happily married and have been for nearly 9 years.

I am using attractive as a blanket term for everything that is attractive to the opposite sex. I'm not just deficient in looks. I lack confidence, intelligence, a good personality, social skills, and the ability to connect with people, along with a ton of other things. When I say I don't bring anything to the table, I mean it, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

[Glass Mouse]

Woes in the form of green text story:

Spoiler

Show

>be me, in relationship with girl of dreams
>be long distance during part of the year due to job/school
>spend hours looking online for flowershop in her town that accepts online payment
>find viable shop
>proceed to order lots of flowers and even some chocolates
>check gmail to find receipt of order promptly sent.
>four or five days later, receive another email from flower shop owner
>high influx of Valentine's day purchases have made my order impossible to fill
>call girlfriend to tell her how sadpanda I am plans fell through (it wasn't really a surprise)
>girlfriend tells me I'm lazy and don't plan in advance
>and that I'm all talk and I never delivery.
>she says some girls need materialistic reminders of love for
>her to be contented in relationship.
>tells me she's been seeing someone else for a few months
>and he bought her a large bouquet of roses
>mfw

Fourthing (?) the "you're better off without!" choir.

Don't let her verbal attack get you down. It has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her looking for the tiniest excuse to drop the bomb without feeling like the villain. She's just villainifying you to feel better, so don't buy it.

Single for my 22nd valentine's day in a row (I'm 22 btw). It gets harder and harder to bear every year.

Attractive people don't know how good they have it.

I'm gonna try again... Ancano. Forget about girls. Forget about romance. You are not in a date-friendly state right now.
If you need reasons and specifics, reread my last post to you. But everything you post makes my belief stronger that you need to pull the plug on dating for a while.

[Ancano]

Clearly I'm not in a date friendly state right now, nor have I been in my entire life. I have yet to go on even a single date.

I did go back and re-read your last post to me. You're right about me being a shut in, but I don't see myself as a misogynist. I am quite aware that girls are people, it just seems that they don't see me in the same light. Unfortunately, I am not a very likable person, and this extends to friendships as well.

I have always made getting to know people a priority but I really have nothing to offer as a friend and thus I haven't been able to sustain any real friendships with others, girls included. The very few friends I have are merely acquaintances born through common interests. Predictably, I have yet to meet girls who are interested in the same geeky things (magic, dnd, video games, the whole 9 yards) that I am, so my faltering social circle is completely devoid of females. It's not something I can easily change.

[The Succubus]

I really think you need professional help Ancano.

The majority of the posts I read from you seem relentlessly determined to belittle yourself, complain about yourself, focus on the negative aspects of yourself. Everytime someone tries to encourage you you dismiss what they say before launching in to another round of self-deprication.

I don't know whether it's depression you're suffering from or something else but you really need someone more qualified than us.

[Form]

I'm actually doing something for Valentine's this year. Originally I didn't think I would, but hey, the opportunity was there, so I might as well make use of it.

Spoiler

Show

Sent a girl a rose as a small token of my appreciation.

Just a small thing that doesn't have to lead anywhere. Anyway, just felt like sharing.

[Heliomance]

I've managed to not have a girlfriend over Valentines day thus far. Frankly, I'm quite happy about that, because it means significantly less expense. My general reaction to today? "Oh yeah, it's Valentines' Day today, isn't it. Sweet! That means it's Pancake Day next week!"

[The Succubus]

My general reaction to today? "Oh yeah, it's Valentines' Day today, isn't it. Sweet! That means it's Pancake Day next week!"

Now that's something I can look forward to!

[Castaras]

PANCAKE DAY YAY.

I'm just looking forward to the cheap chocolate tomorrow. And I don't have any lectures... SHOPPING SPREE.

And hey, Valentines Day is what it is. Some people find it good to have an excuse to be extra loveydovey, others prefer to just treat it as a normal day. So yep. Go for the free chocolate and have fun with friends tonight. :3

[Serpentine]

Ancano: situations like yours are pretty close to the exact reason I made this. It could be worth looking at.

[Ancano]

I have read that list and while I seem okay in terms of the hygiene, my social skills are woefully underdeveloped. This is more due to the fact that I am an incredibly slow learner and no matter how hard I try I can't read signals whatsoever.

Unfortunately it's not something I can deal with easily. And I'm not even considering all of the things about myself that I cannot change (my horrible looks, my lack of intelligence, etc) At the rate I'm going I will be single until the day I die.

I know you're going to say that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life, and everyone finds somebody, but some people die virgins. It's a fact. My own uncle just turned 70, and over the course of his entire life, he hasn't even kissed a girl (no he's not gay, he approached many women but he just isn't blessed).

[rogueboy]

I have read that list and while I seem okay in terms of the hygiene, my social skills are woefully underdeveloped. This is more due to the fact that I am an incredibly slow learner and no matter how hard I try I can't read signals whatsoever.

Then that's what you need to work on. Professionals may be able to help, but even without that, force yourself to interact with people (whether you know them or not is irrelevant), and then figure out what mistakes you made (not mistakes you *think* you made, but ones you *know* you made) so you can correct them the next time. Cashiers are a really good place for this - it's a fairly short interaction with someone you aren't likely to see again, which means that even if you do screw up, you don't have to deal with the repercussions of that for very long. It's a very low-risk way to experiment with social interactions (including trying to pick up on the non-verbal cues that people use).

Unfortunately it's not something I can deal with easily. And I'm not even considering all of the things about myself that I cannot change (my horrible looks, my lack of intelligence, etc) At the rate I'm going I will be single until the day I die.

Wait, which things can't be changed here? There may be certain things that can't be changed (such as basic facial structure, and even then only if we assume cosmetic surgery isn't an option), but an alteration to hairstyle, how you dress, facial hair, or any number of other things can influence appearance. And intelligence being unchangeable? Really? Then what's education for? There may be certain things that are more difficult for you, but unless you aren't willing to try at things you might fail at (and really, what's the point in life, if that's the case?*), you can improve at those things, and learn - the definition of increasing intelligence, as far as I'm concerned.

Serp's list (which is great, by the way, and I really need to favorite that somewhere at some point...) obviously isn't going to help you change anything, it's just a way to think about things that might need to be addressed. From what you said, you've concluded that it's the social stuff that you need to improve on - so do that.

And speaking of that list, Serp, question for you (or anyone else), though it may not be entirely appropriate for this thread (that's what PM's are for, right? ) - how does one decide what the answer is to the first few questions under Aesthetics (hair style and clothing cut/color are the big ones for me)?

*Note to self: follow this advice more, you need to do better at being willing to fail and/or look like a fool, at least occasionally.

[Starwulf]

I've managed to not have a girlfriend over Valentines day thus far. Frankly, I'm quite happy about that, because it means significantly less expense. My general reaction to today? "Oh yeah, it's Valentines' Day today, isn't it. Sweet! That means it's Pancake Day next week!"

Hmm, it's only significantly more expense if you make it so. Me and my wife aren't doing anything that costs money, but we do celebrate by writing to each other, or finding neat little things online, and of course, we express how much we love to each other even more frequently(which is actually kind of hard to do, we both say we love each other multiple times in any given day).

[bhtooefr]

ufo: GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.

Even if it's difficult to afford.

And not just for your sake, either - I'd venture a guess that your illness is hurting your friend, too.

Mr. Mud: Ouch. Gotta agree, better off without her.

[Serpentine]

And speaking of that list, Serp, question for you (or anyone else), though it may not be entirely appropriate for this thread (that's what PM's are for, right? ) - how does one decide what the answer is to the first few questions under Aesthetics (hair style and clothing cut/color are the big ones for me)?

1. Post a picture of yourself in the You thread, possibly wearing different things and with your hair in different ways. Bonus if you have pictures with different hair cuts, so we can compare.
2. Find a friend you know is good at that sort of thing, and let them play with you like the malleable little Barbie doll you are
3. Find a professional. Find a good hairdresser and get a full-blown consultation with them, maybe even get a... what are those people called? Fashion... consultant?

#1 could probably work for now

[rogueboy]

1. Post a picture of yourself in the You thread, possibly wearing different things and with your hair in different ways. Bonus if you have pictures with different hair cuts, so we can compare.
2. Find a friend you know is good at that sort of thing, and let them play with you like the malleable little Barbie doll you are
3. Find a professional. Find a good hairdresser and get a full-blown consultation with them, maybe even get a... what are those people called? Fashion... consultant?

#1 could probably work for now

Ooh, I had forgotten about that thread... I shall do so, although it may take me a little bit to find some decent photos (and I may have to take a few new ones, since I'm letting my hair grow out).

[Ceric]

Okay uh. There's a guy who's been crushing on me for the last several months or so. But I wasn't sure if I liked him back or not; I'm not very interested in relationships (low sex drive and a bit of an antisocial loner by choice, and also only been in one relationship so far) so unless I really like someone I don't put any effort into pursuing a crush (have I mentioned I've only been in one relationship?).

So whenever we're hanging out with mutual friends and he's chatting/flirting with me, I flirt back because it seems only fair and it's not like he's mean or bad-looking either. But I never took any initiative.

Today he showed up outside my class (how did he know my class schedule? actually, I think I know who told him ) with a rose and a strawberry-chocolate-whipped cream crepe. Asked me to be his valentine, of course I said yes. So we walked together, ate the crepe, and ended up cuddling for about 15 minutes max before he had to go somewhere else.

But... I still don't know if I actually like him or not. I'm pretty bad at social skills, coupled with some other issues means that everything I do is basically an act that I've put on so long it's gotten into my subconsious and automatic reactions. I know how to do all the flirty smileys and compliments at the appropriate intervals; it doesn't mean I put anything behind them. I can't even tell if I mean them or not

I want to give him a chance. He's really nice and he's kinda cute too. But I don't want to lead him on >.>

I, uh, don't even really know what advice I'm asking for >.>

[Serpentine]

Can't give you any, but I feel ya.
But how old are you? Cuz it is okay to just have some not-serious stuff, especially in, say, high school.

[Coidzor]

Well, not exactly my forte, but I really only see two ways to react to the ongoing scenario as you've expressed it. So you could either A. try going on a few dates with him and see what happens or B. stop reciprocating unless you actually want to do so rather than feeling it comes from a sense of obligation.

I'm sure there's a 3rd option(maybe more) somewhere in there but I don't see it, so you'll have to wait until you or someone else figures it out.

[AtlanteanTroll]

You do not owe him anything. I strongly agree with Coid's seconf proposal (B). Do not build up false hope.