Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Ulysses WkAmil]

2072a. All farmiliars are NOT voiced by Gilbert Gottfried

[Kazyan]

2077: Cannot play "Psychotic Neutral" rogues.

[ryu]

2072a. All farmiliars are NOT voiced by Gilbert Gottfried

2072b: Yeah that's only awakened parrots.

[Sgt. Cookie]

2078: Perform (Swordplay) does not add to my attack.
2078a: But it can be used for Bardic skills.

[boomwolf]

2078: using Prefom (swordplay) wont get a bonus if i have weapon focus.

[Maxios]

2079: Can not cut off the head of a monster, and start showing off the head of said monster in a tavern...especially if the tavernkeep has a phobia of the monster.

[kaomera]

2079a: Not allowed to pull a Perseus with an Umber Hulk's severed head.

[Ulysses WkAmil]

2080. I am not allowed to put enough ranks in Hide to castrate a dragon without it knowing, and then proceed to dazzle the commoners with "floating dragon nuts"

[Ksheep]

2081: May not manipulate the various kingdoms and countries into a convoluted set of alliances that will lead to a world war if any one attacks anyone else.
2081B: May not then assassinate the archduke of one of the countries in order to spark said war.
2081C: May not lead a revolution in the largest of these kingdoms during the war, setting up a "People's Republic" with me as the head honcho.
2081D: Especially if said kingdom then drops out of the war.
2081E: ESPECIALLY is said kingdom was the first one to counterattack, causing everyone else to go to war.

[Aidan305]

2081: May not manipulate the various kingdoms and countries into a convoluted set of alliances that will lead to a world war if any one attacks anyone else.
2081B: May not then assassinate the archduke of one of the countries in order to spark said war.
2081C: May not lead a revolution in the largest of these kingdoms during the war, setting up a "People's Republic" with me as the head honcho.
2081D: Especially if said kingdom then drops out of the war.
2081E: ESPECIALLY is said kingdom was the first one to counterattack, causing everyone else to go to war.

You started WW1 in a game? I approve. Putting yourself in charge of Russia is a very good stroke as well.

[Ksheep]

You started WW1 in a game? I approve. Putting yourself in charge of Russia is a very good stroke as well.

Unfortunately, I haven't… yet. Been really tempted to, but the rest of the party keeps telling me not to for some reason…

[rogueboy]

2082. No longer allowed to play a character who's entire tactical acumen is "hit it in the face".
2082a. Especially if that character can, single-handedly, defeat an encounter designed for a full party of higher level than the character currently is (by several levels).
2083. No longer allowed to play a character who can't pay attention to anything for more than ~5 seconds.
2083a. Especially if I'm going to roleplay that and tune out 90% of the DM's descriptions.
2084. No longer allowed to play a character who will destroy an entire town "because it was in my way". (to be fair, I don't remember if that was the exact motivation... it may have been "because it was there")
2085. No longer allowed to play a character who has a memory that might rival a goldfish's.
2085a. Especially if that allows the character to defeat the DM's pet NPC, who charmed the party in an attempt to punish us for destroying the town (see 2084).
2086. No longer allowed to run off in a dungeon and end up running around in circles until another party member has to trip said character to allow the dungeon crawl to continue.
2087. Not allowed to use "something inside it" as an excuse to break statues.
2087a. Especially if I don't know the context in which that phrase was used.

This was all one character, in a campaign that lasted all of ~5 sessions. Oddly enough, my character wasn't the cause of its demise... he was actually the only reason the campaign was even remotely memorable.

[ORione]

I got Munchkin for Christmas.

2088. If I am playing a thief, I may not attempt to steal anything while I am at level one.
2089. I may not play a thief.

[Stallion]

2090: I may not make a goliath dungeoncrasher zhentarim fighter that uses spiked armor and roleplays as a luchador, screaming the names of every move he wants to do as he attacks, derailing important DM plot points, screaming "CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!?!?!?" every time he kills someone or causes someone to cower, and one-shotting the BBEG with an psuedo-ubercharger feat chain comboed with dungeoncrashing them into the dirt.
2090a: Especially if the move screamed is Butt-Buster. That will get the DM Guide, Complete Warrior, Dungeonscape, and Races of Stone thrown at me.

[Rockphed]

I got Munchkin for Christmas.

2088. If I am playing a thief, I may not attempt to steal anything while I am at level one.
2089. I may not play a thief.

Ah, munchin!

2091: I am not allowed to cheat to get a plutonium dragon as a pet.
2091b: Nor can I cheat so that nobody is allowed to fight monsters(I think it was a polymorph potion)
2091c: If the 3 clerics join forces to win in unison, I may not complain.
2092: The name of the game is not keeping your husband at level 1. No matter how much fun everyone has doing so.

[Esprit15]

2093: My plan for killing the BBEG may not begin with: "Well let me crack open my physics textbook. If I can apply an X newton force over Y meters..."
2094: If my plan requires me to ask for the impulse time of anything impacting human flesh, the answer is no.
2095: Doubly so if it means I can one shot a man five levels higher than me with a single throwing knife.
2096: Throwing knives are not bullets, and I will do well to remember this.
2097: I may not have a physics text next to me while playing.
2097b: Nor my physics notes.
2098: It is irrelevant how many newtons/pascals/joules I can subject an enemy to, they are still taking the damage that the book says they do.
2099: Screw it, this world has different physics than the real world.
2100: I may not work on the physics of my plan and then show the GM the math to prove that my plan will work. Refer to 2099 for further questions.
2101: My character may not be above average in intelligence.

I seriously have been playing with an idea like this, and I know I'd get told no if I even suggested it.

[jindra34]

2093: My plan for killing the BBEG may not begin with: "Well let me crack open my physics textbook. If I can apply an X newton force over Y meters..."
2094: If my plan requires me to ask for the impulse time of anything impacting human flesh, the answer is no.
2095: Doubly so if it means I can one shot a man five levels higher than me with a single throwing knife.
2096: Throwing knives are not bullets, and I will do well to remember this.
2097: I may not have a physics text next to me while playing.
2097b: Nor my physics notes.
2098: It is irrelevant how many newtons/pascals/joules I can subject an enemy to, they are still taking the damage that the book says they do.
2099: Screw it, this world has different physics than the real world.
2100: I may not work on the physics of my plan and then show the GM the math to prove that my plan will work. Refer to 2099 for further questions.
2101: My character may not be above average in intelligence.

I seriously have been playing with an idea like this, and I know I'd get told no if I even suggested it.

I'm assuming the system wasn't Gurps which incorporates a good deal of physics in its damage calculations to the point where people have a joules of energy->damage conversion equation.

[wiimanclassic]

2102:If a plan begins with "Line up the 500 commoners" it better be part of an evil campaign and kill them, not abuse the rules to destroy a castle wall with a rock.

[BlackestOfMages]

2103: My character's defaul respone to any situation is not sell their soul
2103b: nor is it sell the paladin's soul for him on credit
2013c: My character does not know the soul-to-worth echance rate of everyone he meets, nor is he a major player in the Immortal Soul stock market

[Socratov]

2103: My character's defaul respone to any situation is not sell their soul
2103b: nor is it sell the paladin's soul for him on credit
2013c: My character does not know the soul-to-worth echance rate of everyone he meets, nor is he a major player in the Immortal Soul stock market

you, sir, have given me an idea :)

[white rider]

2014: kill the monsters, steal the treasure, stab your buddy is not an appropriate motto for the party paladin.

[boomwolf]

2014a: That is, unless you are playing a warhammer-style world.

[Ksheep]

2105: May not invent a swiss-army polearm.
2106: May not roll up a doppelgangster.
2107: A Tequila Mockingbird is not an appropriate familiar for the wizard.
2108: May not create a Spiked Codpiece for the Paladin.
2109: The Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment is right out.
2110: As are Boots of Butt Kicking.

[Ulysses WkAmil]

2111. I may not create a Rouge/Druid multiclass, name it Batman, then slaugter all of the jesters I see because they might be my "nemisis"
2111a. Nor am I allowed to slaugter Ice-Wizards, Penguin-Druids, Clay-Constructs, Half-Baked people, Scarecrows, or anyone who asks a riddle
2112. I am not allowed to take over the recently-cleared cave and rename it
2112a. Even if one of the hirelings is a butler

[horseboy]

2113 Even if he's based on Ira Hayes, my Shantor shall not be named: "Firewater Pony."

2114 Said Shantor will not have a tattoo of any kind any where. A hip flask on their butt is right out.

2115 Shantor do not come in pastel colors.

2116 The same rules apply to K'kree

[Cormag81]

Hey blackestofmages watch your numbering you screwed some people up

2117: No matter how good a debater I am out of character there is no way to logically get out of falling after your paladin kills his patron god.

[Socratov]

Hey blackestofmages watch your numbering you screwed some people up

2117: No matter how good a debater I am out of character there is no way to logically get out of falling after your paladin kills his patron god.

say WHAT? I don't even, it's like... *brain.exe has stopped working, we recommend you restart your system or when the problem persists you contact your system administrator."

[boomwolf]

Hey blackestofmages watch your numbering you screwed some people up

2117: No matter how good a debater I am out of character there is no way to logically get out of falling after your paladin kills his patron god.

I am so sigging this....

[Metahuman1]

Hey blackestofmages watch your numbering you screwed some people up

2117: No matter how good a debater I am out of character there is no way to logically get out of falling after your paladin kills his patron god.

2118: Unless he then becomes the replacement for that Deity who was being Corrupted by some other Deity/Over-deity/Cosmic force to evil.

[Sith_Happens]

2119. Called shots to the lekku are considered extremely unsportsmanlike.