More Funny D&D Stories

[Lemmy]

My party was invading a Necromancer's tower, and he eventually throws some zombies at us.

The party Ranger throws two alchemist fire at them, dealing about 8 damage to them (we were low-level). Another round goes by and they take a little more damag,e but are still alive...

Then the player remembers somethin...
Ranger: Wait! I forgot Undead are my Favored Enemy!
DM: Uh.. Does this affect the damage from alchemist fire?
Ranger: I dunno... It'd be cool though...

Since our DMing filosophy is "If we are not sure how a rule works, rule it in the way it benefits the players the most.", the DM agreed with the extra damage.

Ranger... okay, so that's extra 4 damage to each zombie.
DM: They are destroyed. You burned them WITH HATE!!!
*group laughs*

A little while later, he tries to Bluff a Vampire into believing we were soldiers, but fails the check by 1. Then he remember he gets a +2 bonus on Bluff checks against favored enemies. Surprisingly, it's enough to pass the check against the Vampire's Sense Motive.

DM: You convince him... WITH HATE!
Druid: Hah... And they say love makes the world go round!
*group laughs again*

I suppose it was a lot funnier at the time ^^

[Doorhandle]

My party was invading a Necromancer's tower, and he eventually throws some zombies at us.

The party Ranger throws two alchemist fire at them, dealing about 8 damage to them (we were low-level). Another round goes by and they take a little more damag,e but are still alive...

Then the player remembers somethin...
Ranger: Wait! I forgot Undead are my Favored Enemy!
DM: Uh.. Does this affect the damage from alchemist fire?
Ranger: I dunno... It'd be cool though...

Since our DMing filosophy is "If we are not sure how a rule works, rule it in the way it benefits the players the most.", the DM agreed with the extra damage.

Ranger... okay, so that's extra 4 damage to each zombie.
DM: They are destroyed. You burned them WITH HATE!!!
*group laughs*

A little while later, he tries to Bluff a Vampire into believing we were soldiers, but fails the check by 1. Then he remember he gets a +2 bonus on Bluff checks against favored enemies. Surprisingly, it's enought to pass the check against the Vampire's Sense Motive.

DM: You convince him... WITH HATE!
Druid: Hah... And they say love makes the world go round!
*group laughs again*

I suppose it was a lot funnier at the time ^^

Still funny to me! From now on, that's how rangers work in my head.

[EtherianBlade]

I can't resist. I've been gaming since 1980, so I probably have a few hudnred funny stories rolling around in my head.

Several years back, I played with three other gamers a Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil campaign. Fun stuff. Anyway, we had your stereotypical half-orc barbarian, by the name of Boggy. Boggy Bonsesmasher, I believe. The best thing about Boggy was not his 20 strength or massive +2 greataxe, but the player controlling him, Jeremy.

I swear, Jeremy could only have played a barbarian. His philosophy on gaming was "run in, smash, kill, loot, run out." Not much in the way of characterization, but how can you not love the faithful big dog that always has your back?

So, here's the situation. Big cave. Lots of fire. Red dragon. Our cleric/rogue was in the lead, scouting ahead. Cleric/rogue encounters dragon, meets dragon's gaze, has to roll a Will save. Cleric/Rogue then flees, screaming.

Great, the rest of us think. Will saves. Our favorite. The Ranger/Wizard goes in next, fails Will save, runs out screaming. I go in after that, fail my Will save, and run out screaming.

DM: Okay, Boggy, what are you doing?
Boggy: Um . . . can I just avoid the dragon's gaze and attack it?
DM: Sure you can. You'd have an attack penalty, though.
Boggy: Okay, I avoid the dragon's gaze and attack.

The rest of us were dumbfounded. Why didn't we think of that?

Alas, from the simplest of minds come the simplest of solutions . . . .

[Lemmy]

Still funny to me! From now on, that's how rangers work in my head.

Heh... I always figured it worked thanks to the Ranger's understanding of his Favored Enemy's anatomy ("Elves have glass jaws! That's where I should aim my next strike) and way of thinking ("I know elves like trees and bows and ale, so if I tell them a story about trees and bows, they are more inclined to believe me").
But it doesn't really matter, as a BURNING ZOMBIES WITH HATE i way funnier than burning them with PRECISE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THEIR PHYSIOLOCIAL CHARACTERISTICS.
I like to think it's a mix between knowing their enemy and hating their enemy.

I can't resist. I've been gaming since 1980, so I probably have a few hudnred funny stories rolling around in my head.

Several years back, I played with three other gamers a Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil campaign. Fun stuff. Anyway, we had your stereotypical half-orc barbarian, by the name of Boggy. Boggy Bonsesmasher, I believe. The best thing about Boggy was not his 20 strength or massive +2 greataxe, but the player controlling him, Jeremy.

I swear, Jeremy could only have played a barbarian. His philosophy on gaming was "run in, smash, kill, loot, run out." Not much in the way of characterization, but how can you not love the faithful big dog that always has your back?

So, here's the situation. Big cave. Lots of fire. Red dragon. Our cleric/rogue was in the lead, scouting ahead. Cleric/rogue encounters dragon, meets dragon's gaze, has to roll a Will save. Cleric/Rogue then flees, screaming.

Great, the rest of us think. Will saves. Our favorite. The Ranger/Wizard goes in next, fails Will save, runs out screaming. I go in after that, fail my Will save, and run out screaming.

DM: Okay, Boggy, what are you doing?
Boggy: Um . . . can I just avoid the dragon's gaze and attack it?
DM: Sure you can. You'd have an attack penalty, though.
Boggy: Okay, I avoid the dragon's gaze and attack.

The rest of us were dumbfounded. Why didn't we think of that?

Alas, from the simplest of minds come the simplest of solutions . . . .

Hahaha. This is quite true, and I love how players will often come up with the most complicated solutions for the simplest of challenges.

[Gimur]

This was years and years ago, so details are a little fuzzy on the party composition..
There were four of us. I remember that I was a Dwarf... Monk, I think. Mainly for the lulz. My in-character cousin was a Dwarf Wizard. The others were Paladin and... Rogue, I think.

Anyway!
We were fighting this absolutely massive Slaad (Enlarged Blue Slaad with HP out the wazoo), and nobody seemed to be doing it any amount of appreciable damage to it. Ridiculous amounts of Fast Healing and Damage Reduction. We were going to die, if we didn't come up with something clever (running wasn't an option at the time, as the only reachable exit led directly to a small ARMY of Red Slaad).

We were poring over our sheets, looking for something that could help, when I saw the special rope we had found a couple of sessions beforehand. We still hadn't had a chance to figure out what it did, and our DM tended to give items unconventional enchantments that didn't really correlate directly to spells. But I had a feeling I knew what it was, and right then was the best time to find out.

So, I had the Wizard cast Invisibility and Fly on me, while the Paladin kept the Slaad distracted, and I took off the wrap up the Slaad's legs. Remember the start of Empire Strikes Back? The AT-ATs? That was the plan!

And, well.. It worked just as well as I had hoped. The Slaad tried to swipe at me a couple of times, but missed, and I wrapped the entirety of the rope around his legs and ankles. The Slaad was then pushed over, and we made our escape through the exit that it had been covering.

Edit: Less wall of text, more readability

[Extra_Crispy]

That story sounds incredibly familiar.

You might have heard it before, I could have told that story before I cant remember. Sorry for the repeat then. Hopefully you have not heard this one.

L5R game. One of the players is playing a Wasp clan. The Wasp are known to be the best bowmen in the game. Their whole clan was founded by a man who stepped on his own Katana and broke it then refused to ever touch a sword again and only ever used his bow.

Anyway my friend was the groups scout and was ahead looking for bandits. He had some humming bulb arrows as signal devices. The do minimum damage 0k1 d10 are not supposed to be used for attacking but they whistle loud as you shoot them. So I tell him he sees a bandit a little ways ahead of him and he takes the humming bulb arrow and decides to shoot the bandit with it. Thinking no way he could really hurt the guy. He procedes to call raises for damage and after hitting and rolling repeated 10's on that keep one die (in L5R a 10 is open ended as long as you keep rolling 10's you keep rolling and they add together) the rest of the party hears the short loud whistle followed by a thunk and a scream as the bandit died.

Throughout that campain he killed a few people with humming bulbs and picked up the nick name of "The Humming Bulb Killer"

[Unbeknownst]

Dark Heresy game, this story isn't really funny, but it is the crowning moment of glory for this guy. I still have not played a character that had the level of epic this one did.

Alright, so here's the rundown, we were around rank 3-4ish and we had only been playing for a couple of weeks (4 or 5 days total) I was playing a Guardsman and had somehow rolled up a pure baddass, my 2d10 average was 17, it was scary.

So, our group had been sent after a cult to pick up an Archeotech artifact of some sort that said cultists had stolen. So we roll in, cap a few muties, and find ourselves at the crux of some bizzare ritual where they're killing people and throwing them onto a pile of burning bodies. We, of course, think nothing of it and kill them all tossing their bodies on the burning pile after we loot their corpses. Mutants must burn and all right?

Yeah. No. Unfortunately, we had just completed the ritual to summon a bloodletter of Khorne. Silly us, not really paying attention to the cultists we were fighting. So, we grab the Archeotech and book it. But, bloodletters are fast, well faster then everyone but me it seemed. So, me being a guardsman, and not just any Guardsman a Penal Legionnaire (Prisoner Soldier), I stay behind and try to slow it down so the rest of them can get away. So, I stop at the edge of a cliff and shoot it with my lasgun once, it doesn't even singe the damned thing. Tossing my lasgun off the cliff I pull my hammer. Thinking I'm about to die, and knowing a hammer sucks when you're trying to parry, I throw the hammer at the Bloodletter's blade, somehow hitting it (I had rolled a 2. In Dark Heresy rolling low is good. The system is d100). The Bloodletter failed to keep ahold of the weapon (GM decided to humor me and rolled a strength test. He rolled a 100, it was great), both hammer and blade falling off the cliff.

And that is how the fist fight with a Daemon began. For a full 2 minutes we fought (Somewhere around 25 rounds of combat, it was ridiculous) blocking, dodging, missing, and hitting for no damage. When finally it happened, I hit the bastard, but this time, I crit. I had crit him before, dealing no damage, but this time, oh this time, I rolled a ten. Not only did I roll a ten, I rolled seven more in a row, for a total of 8 tens, dealing more than enough to kill the bastard in one fell blow. To the chest.

My companions, having seen the demon and thought I was dead, had called in air support to come in and blow that deamon to bits since it was probably still on the side of the mountain. (We had the ability to call in support, but really hadn't want to blow ourselves up in the process.) So, to make it so my character didn't get shot to bits, the GM had the guncutter swoop around to see me punch a hole through the Daemons chest and kick it off a mountain. Needless to say, Psykers scanned the **** out of me when I got back.

After that the GM said I got a free permanent fate point because, and I quote, "Just, f***."

[Erik Vale]

Snip of Awesome

Yea, it's at that point Khorne contacts you about becomeing a demon because you kicked ones ass (He's all about honour and combat, not just blood). Also, that one gets destroyed/tortured.

If you do it again a couple of times, he makes you a greater demon/demon prince instead. (In the fluff there was a noblewomen who just ate (Ok, asked them to posses her and then beat them with her own will) greater slannesh demons until Slanesh stopped her and mage her a demon prince to avoid it happening again, all in the search for eternal youth).

[Morrolan]

Cast (level 8-ish):
Lia the female elf druid (who liked to ride her dire wolf while in cat-shape, and adored gems)
Brody the male shifter barbarian (BRODY SMASH)
Xandris the female half-celestial (referred to as angel) cleric (who we managed to get drunk and was afterwards thrown into a river)
A male wizard from another plane with memory loss whose name I have forgotten
Me, a charismatic male human swashbuckler/rogue daring outlaw with an ego the size of a small country

The Story:
After being forcefully warped to another plane that was slowly drying up, we started searching for a way to get back. While traversing a desert we met a tribe of sand-people, who told us the story of some ruins in the mountains. Suppposedly it would contain a powerful magic item, so we were on our way.

The aboveground part of the ruins were filled with huge manshaped statues which gave our party the creeps. Just as we were walking past one, a pounding erupted from inside of it. It turned out to be hollow, so we smashed it, and the wizard appeared from it (He hadn't been plane-warped with the rest of the party), not knowing where he was and what happened (again).

After welcoming back the mysterious wizard we continued downwards into the underground part of the ruins. It was dark, and moist, and there were strange plants growing everywhere. The stairs down into the darkness were very slippery, and the passage was to small to let the angel fly. Being a cleric, the angel was heavily armored, and he was forced to walk. Which meant that he slipped... Several times... Dragging the party down with him...

Thusly we ended up at the bottom of the stairs, slightly bruised. It was a small dungeon crawl from there on, ending with us getting the magical item we were looking for. It was a huge-ass floating crystal, which the druid instantly tried to call dibs on. After we removed it from it's spot, the magical lights in the dungeon and all the traps were turned off, so we came to the conclusion that it was a sort of power source.

Removing it had apparantly made the plant-things growing all over the stairs back up very angry. Slippery staircase water slide angel bowling #2, with extra tentacle vines! When we finally managed to get back up, we thought we were in the clear. Turns out we were wrong, the statues, which we had completely forgotten, started moving towards us.

At which point I instantly say the thought that entered my mind at that point:
"We removed your power source! You're not supposed to have any power!"
The resulting bluff check (thank you DM!) was ridiculously high. The statues froze in mid-motion, seemingly out of power, and we walked away safely and slightly confused.

And one day later I tapped the crystal with my sword, accidentily shattering it completely due to the magic nature of my weapon. The druid was not amused...

[JohnnyCancer]

In the last session of Shackled City (until February) we fought our way out of the Dungeon after having teleported in to the final boss: a Beholder with a Shaator Demodand bound to his soul. We conquered every other critter in the dungeon with ease, delayed only by a series of trapped, DC 45 locked doors. The battles get progressively easier as we hack and blast our way up out of the dungeon and into the mansion of the Lord Mayor (the dead Beholder who had used a magic suit to pose as a half-elf).

After clearing the mansion, we get a clever idea. Using the Beholder's magic suit; our most convincing liar poses as the Lord Mayor and, in the presence of a notary, sells the Warriors and Mages of Distinction his mansion. Then the Lord Mayor announces his retirement, and his intentions to travel the world.

[Eldan]

Cast (level 8-ish):
And one day later I tapped the crystal with my sword, accidentily shattering it completely due to the magic nature of my weapon. The druid was not amused...

Oh, yeah. My group did that once. After finding an ancient map in a cursed library, a few weeks of travelling, a difficult fight, a riddle contest against a sphinx and sneaking past a gigantic dragon, they finally find the magic crystal they are looking for, one of only three left in the world.
The party begins to examine it.
Fighter: "I hit it with my sword, to see if I can chip it!"
DM (me): "Sure?"
Fighter: "Yeah!"
DM: "Okay... your weapon is spell-storing, right?"
Fighter: "Ooh shhhh..."
DM: "And you had shatter stored in there, right?"
Party:

[Karoht]

I saved a Sorcerer. He wasn't happy with me. I'll explain.

So we were fighting some giant apes in a canyon. Huge creatures. The Sorcerer was flying about 40 ft off the canyon floor. The walls of the canyon were 80 feet either side. One of the apes had climbed up a section of the canyon, and leaped from it to grab the Sorcerer.
Sorcerer is Invisible, I'm still not sure how the ape managed to pull this off in a windy canyon, but for the remainder of the story, let us ignore that detail.
So the ape grapples the Sorcerer in mid-air and brings him to the ground, succeeds on the check, and sits on top of him. Sorcerer decides not to cancel his Greater Invisibility so we don't really know where he is. Well, I ended up throwing Resist Energy on the Summoner via changing into an earth elemental and using earthglide. She then pokes me with True Seeing because we have no idea where the Sorcerer is. So between that and Tremorsense, I know where the Sorcerer is.
He's being sat on by King Kong.
So I earthglide under him, and poke him to give him Freedom of Movement, so that I can move on and deal with another issue. So he ends up free of the grapple and able to squeeze himself out.
Well, he's not going through the ape's legs, so that leaves two options.

/euphamism
Out the... front... between the stones
Or out the... back... between the seats
/end euphamism
We decided to roll for it to see which way he went. He went out the back.

I wiped a monkey's butt with a sorcerer.

And for anyone who plays World of Warcraft will probably get this reference.
I totally Ooked him in the Dooker.

[Unbeknownst]

Yea, it's at that point Khorne contacts you about becomeing a demon because you kicked ones ass (He's all about honour and combat, not just blood). Also, that one gets destroyed/tortured.

If you do it again a couple of times, he makes you a greater demon/demon prince instead. (In the fluff there was a noblewomen who just ate (Ok, asked them to posses her and then beat them with her own will) greater slannesh demons until Slanesh stopped her and mage her a demon prince to avoid it happening again, all in the search for eternal youth).

Yeah, Khornite Daemons popped up quite a bit after that. One even went "My Lady" to me. That went over well with the party.

[Mackfrost]

I've been creeping on this thread since it was created, i loved reading it at night during high school and i hope it survives through my college years. So to the story. (i will be posting frequenty.)

Cast:
-Nimrodel Maedros. Half elf rogue and party leader. Wants to be a hero without doing heroic things.
-Shadraque Wolfheart. Human Druid cant keep himself from woodshaping phalic objects on everything. (im not sure how else to describe him)
-Axe the grey. Half orc fighter, party grandpa had to leave after the first session.
-Shelly Smokestacks. Gnome wizard, constant thorn in my side but she left pretty quick.
-Leo the paladin. He was a human... Paladin. (redundancy) he was a really bad good guy.
Allea: human cleric, the single worst healer i've seen. Period.

So the group doesnt know one another yet, they are all going about there own business when lizard men attack the village. Before i have the chance to properly lay out the scene this i what i get.

Axe: i run to the gate and start bustin skulls!
Leo: yeah me too i guess
Nim: i hide in a barrel!
Shelly: i run away!!
Shadraque: i run on the roof and shoot them!
Me: your sling doesnt reach.
Shadraque: i shout rude things to them!!
Allea: wait whats happening?

Before continuing. I want you to picture this in your brain...
Good? Then to continue, the peasants who were whipping rocks at the enemy were doing more damage. So everyone in the village retreated.
The party was following behind in the woods and the villagers were following an escape route. There were a few more trails on the map but the group went with the townsfolk because they knew what they were doing.

Highlights from the rest of the adventure.

Axe kept getting tripped by the strong currents in the lizardfolk village and rolling away.

The cheif of the village told them there is something wrong with the trees, then shadraque shouted. "I'm a druid!" and proceeded to "raise the roof" (which from then on was the druid dance)

Kobalds blew up an underground bridge so while everyone was trying to fight then shelly the 3 foot gnome decided she could jump the nine foot gap. Which she couldnt. But instead of letting her fall to her demise (which i probably shouldve) i let her have a reflex save to grap the other end if the gap that was four feet away.

This whole time our cleric is in no way healing anything and instead is practicing her skills at missing everything with her crossbow.

The mine turned out to be under the control of kobalds in servitude of a bugbear, attempting the harvest obsidian from the lavaflows. (we'll get back to that) the party fought the bugbear and it knocked nim into the negatives at which point everyone went bazerk but they were all missing. Then the cleric walks in. Everyone yells to heal nim.
Allea: i shoot the bugbear with my crossbow.
Everyones jaws dropped.
Allea the proceeded to crit the hell out of the bugbear and splatter its brains on the opposite wall. Only then did she heal the rogue.
About the lava. The kobald sorcerers couldnt help their bugbear master because if they stopped freezing the lava as it came out, the mine would flood with hot magma.

At which point, leo with the straightest face a person could make says. "i put a rock in the lavaflow."

Me:this isnt minecraft joe..

Then everyone argued for ten minutes until until realizing if they froze it (like the kobald right infront of them then it would block the flow with obsidian.

So thats all i'm willing to type on my phone for now. But they get funnier later so i'll be back whenever i have half a hour to blow. :)

[Yukitsu]

After a long hiatus, my campaign has finally started back up. Yays. :D

Me: You notice someone has jacked a complete pallet of food off the back of your truck.
Player 1: OK, well, they must have needed it more.

Later...

Me: Your pallet of food is back.
Player 1: What?
Me: Except they replaced all your processed food with fresh stuff. Packaging is still basically the same, so you've got some live tuna in really big cans. You can tell, because the can is moving around.
Player 2: What?
Me: Your instant noodles are now plastic wrapped packets of wheat and rice.
Player 1: I ...What?

Me: No, neither of you see anything.
Player 1: Does the Chinese zombie see anything?
Me: No?
Player 2: You didn't even roll.
Player 1: The paper.
Player 2: Oh, right.

[DontEatRawHagis]

In the last three or four game sessions our group has been in the same situations, a giant battle between Jedi and Dark Jedi. As a Wookie Smuggler I was given command of the Jedi Space Fleet. After the first two sessions I began to realize that my attacks did nothing to the ships.

Lo and behold that their shields had been cutting the damage I was doing in half, so in three rounds I crippled the ships by targeting their shield generators and engineering bays. I had three full squads of fighters to start with, at the end I had only two, one of which was at 2 HP.

The GM said the Jedi Council will probably fire me for my incompetence. I said, "I should charge them with incompetence. Giving a civilian command of military ships, they wanted their men to die."

[gools2014]

How my party beat D&D:

My party:
Me (human fighter)
Spencer (hobbit thief)
Murph (human fighter with 19 strength)
Aidan ( human magic user)
Jake (human cleric)
Nick (human ranger)
Gary (human cleric)
Matt (human druid, comes in later)

The story:
We stumbled upon a village (I forget the name), where the villagers feared going out into the lake because there was an island in the middle of the lake that was "cursed". We bought two ships and sailed out to this island to investigate. We had landed by what appeared to be an entrance to an underground complex somewhat close to shore. We were too scared to investigate, so we sent my "adopted son" Ash Ketchum (a little boy who joined up with us for adventure). As soon as Ash wandered near the entrance, he was shot by numerous arrows and let's just say he didn't get back up.

Our ranger decided we should "turtle" our shields to get into the complex. This plan ended up working surprisingly well, although a few arrows did get in. We got inside the dark complex and were getting shot by countless arrows. We managed to get to a room that was to our far left, and inside the room was a statue of what appeared to be a demon, and underneath that statue was a large amount of treasure. We went over to grab the treasure, but as we reached for it, a demon spawned in front of us. We were having a tough time both holding off the demon and holding the door shut. Our magic user finally decided it was worth it to use his fire wand to cast wall of fire. Murph and I stepped back, and we watched as the wall of fire surrounded the demon.

For five rounds, Murph and I were swinging our swords (his was a vampire sword and mine was a +4 fire sword) into the fire, only to find out that demon had turned to ashes within the first two rounds of it being in there. The treasure was disintegrated along with the demon, and after a tough battle, we decided to rest up. Whoever was on watch during this period of time has an uncontrollable urge to open the door, which he ended up doing, which brought in the 60+ pygmys that were outside. We ended up slaughtering all of them. We continued exploring to see if there was any more treasure, and we found a sarcophagus and a strange statue that were guarded by a mummy. We killed the mummy, took the statue and the sarcophagus, and left the island.

Next adventure, we had returned to that same village, except it was only myself, Aidan, Jake, and Matt (our druid). We decided to go back to the island with the help of Ol' Salty (a 87-year-old pirate that had been a pirate for 86 years). He took us in his Symphony of Seas (a small row boat), and we got there in an half hour as opposed to the two hours it took us last time. We searched the island for more treasure, but we only found the battleaxe that the mummy has used. Before we left the island, our druid befriended a badger (whose name I forget), and we took him back with us. When we returned to the villages, we told the village that we lifted the "curse" from the island. Ol' Salty gave us his ship the S.S. Garbage Dump (a giant flagship), and the mayor of the village offered us his daughter's hand in marriage. None of us wanted to decline the mayor's offer, so we decided that the badger should take his daughter's hand in marriage.

And that is the secret objective of D&D: to marry a badger to a woman. We all got 100 xp from this experience.

We later beat the DLC which is to have a zombie butler open and close a door, the zombie gaining 1 xp for pulling off such a difficult feat.

[Windy]

I have been following these kinds of threads here for a long time now, and I figured it was high time I registered to share some of the stories that have arisen from the antics of my own gaming group. I will let my first post relate a story from the first session I ever played.

~

Tabris was an aasimar sorcerer who found himself pressed into service by a secretive organization. Its agents traveled the planes, protecting them from evil. Tabris managed to take just enough levels in Fighter to get some nice proficiencies and bonus feats, and then took the rest of his levels in Sorcerer to gain spells. His main combat style was to charge his massive warhammer of spellstoring with Shocking Grasp or another lightning spell and use Arcane Strike to burn seldom-used higher spell slots for more to-hit and more damage. He was never quite as optimized as the rest of the party, but his increcible CHA stat combined with basically being Thor made him an intimidating foe in every battle.

On his first mission, the objective was fairly clear: find a particular orphanage and prevent evil minions from doing whatever it was they do at orphanages. Getting there proved to be a bit of a challenge, however, since the town guards found us out after curfew and demanded to see papers. The group's changeling decided to disguise himself as another guard and convince them to let us through. One of the dumber party members had different ideas. He proceeded to knock out the guards, and was almost ready to do in the changeling until another party member got him in a choke hold and talked him down by explaining that this new guard was their friend.

With the warm-up out of the way, we got to the orphanage. All was quiet and dark. We snuck in and prepared to evacuate the children from the impending attack using special portals back to headquarters. Everyone was assigned a room to rescue. Tabris opened his door and walked in. The DM said, "You walk in and find the room full of 14- to 16-year-old girls" Just as he finished the sentence, one of the players' cell phones blared out the victory fanfare from Final Fantasy VII.

~

Later in the campaign, the party had tracked its current target to a chamber deep beneath some castle. I think this was approaching 20th level, since we had started at 10 in the hopes of having an epic high-level campaign. The foe revealed himself and began the classic villain monologue. Tabris was not about to wait around for the full speech, however, and flew himself up out of the chamber through a hole in the roof directly above the villain.

The rest of the party thought Tabris had chickened out and started preparing for a vicious fight. Tabris, on the other hand, flew into a room of the castle and looked around for the heaviest object he could find. The DM informed me that the heaviest thing in the room was a huge painting of some noble woman and her child. Tabris hefted the painting off the wall, ran over to the hole in the floor, and leapt in.

The monologue was concluded; battle was about to be joined. The party raised its swords and wands. Suddenly they saw Tabris rocketing down out of the hole in the ceiling. He waited until the last possible second and then launched the painting directly at the villain's head. Tabris made his attack roll. Nat 20.

Our DM sat back and looked at me with the most wonderful expression of amazement and loathing. In the half-hour argument which followed, we tried to figure out the physics of such an attack, and what exactly should be rolled. Eventually the DM picked up a rather large number of dice and rolled for the attack. I received another look of disdain as he announced that I had just crit the BBEG for 50% of his HP.

Following the battle, the painting was repaired with Make Whole, and to this day it hangs in the ancestral family home of another of my characters.

[Doorhandle]

I have been following these kinds of threads here for a long time now, and I figured it was high time I registered to share some of the stories that have arisen from the antics of my own gaming group. I will let my first post relate a story from the first session I ever played.

~

Tabris was an aasimar sorcerer who found himself pressed into service by a secretive organization. Its agents traveled the planes, protecting them from evil. Tabris managed to take just enough levels in Fighter to get some nice proficiencies and bonus feats, and then took the rest of his levels in Sorcerer to gain spells. His main combat style was to charge his massive warhammer of spellstoring with Shocking Grasp or another lightning spell and use Arcane Strike to burn seldom-used higher spell slots for more to-hit and more damage. He was never quite as optimized as the rest of the party, but his increcible CHA stat combined with basically being Thor made him an intimidating foe in every battle.

On his first mission, the objective was fairly clear: find a particular orphanage and prevent evil minions from doing whatever it was they do at orphanages. Getting there proved to be a bit of a challenge, however, since the town guards found us out after curfew and demanded to see papers. The group's changeling decided to disguise himself as another guard and convince them to let us through. One of the dumber party members had different ideas. He proceeded to knock out the guards, and was almost ready to do in the changeling until another party member got him in a choke hold and talked him down by explaining that this new guard was their friend.

With the warm-up out of the way, we got to the orphanage. All was quiet and dark. We snuck in and prepared to evacuate the children from the impending attack using special portals back to headquarters. Everyone was assigned a room to rescue. Tabris opened his door and walked in. The DM said, "You walk in and find the room full of 14- to 16-year-old girls" Just as he finished the sentence, one of the players' cell phones blared out the victory fanfare from Final Fantasy VII.

~

Later in the campaign, the party had tracked its current target to a chamber deep beneath some castle. I think this was approaching 20th level, since we had started at 10 in the hopes of having an epic high-level campaign. The foe revealed himself and began the classic villain monologue. Tabris was not about to wait around for the full speech, however, and flew himself up out of the chamber through a hole in the roof directly above the villain.

The rest of the party thought Tabris had chickened out and started preparing for a vicious fight. Tabris, on the other hand, flew into a room of the castle and looked around for the heaviest object he could find. The DM informed me that the heaviest thing in the room was a huge painting of some noble woman and her child. Tabris hefted the painting off the wall, ran over to the hole in the floor, and leapt in.

The monologue was concluded; battle was about to be joined. The party raised its swords and wands. Suddenly they saw Tabris rocketing down out of the hole in the ceiling. He waited until the last possible second and then launched the painting directly at the villain's head. Tabris made his attack roll. Nat 20.

Our DM sat back and looked at me with the most wonderful expression of amazement and loathing. In the half-hour argument which followed, we tried to figure out the physics of such an attack, and what exactly should be rolled. Eventually the DM picked up a rather large number of dice and rolled for the attack. I received another look of disdain as he announced that I had just crit the BBEG for 50% of his HP.

Following the battle, the painting was repaired with Make Whole, and to this day it hangs in the ancestral family home of another of my characters.

Nice!
Personally, even if you don't touch the rest of pathfinder, you should use it's falling objects rules. It's slightly more sane.

[Windy]

Nice!
Personally, even if you don't touch the rest of pathfinder, you should use it's falling objects rules. It's slightly more sane.

Yes, we have since switched from 3.5 to Pathfinder, and despite initial resistance our DM now says he had no idea why he didn't switch us over earlier. Of course, this occurred a number of years ago and I'm not exactly sure when Pathfinder was released. My Core Rulebook is copyright 2009.

Anyway, here's another falling damage story:

The party had gone into epic levels, and in one particular battle we found ourselves facing off against three dragons. Tabris was sidelined because I wanted to try another character--Isaac the Bard, who didn't know that he could cast spells or even that magic existed; every spell was rolled randomly. It was his family that passed down the painting to my current character. But I digress.

So we're fighting three dragons. Or maybe it was four, but I don't have my notes. We stood atop a castle and took swipes at them as they flew by. It was looking to be a pretty nasty fight when Isaac and some other party members who were lagging behind in levels got squished when a tower collapsed (don't worry, the rest of the party brought us back!). The red dragon swooped around and made a diving attack straight at the party mage. She consulted her notes briefly, and then looked up at the DM and announced, "I cast Wall of Iron."

The DM replied, somewhat confused, "Okay, show me where you want it."

"I want it to be shaped like a giant spike pointing at the dragon's heart."

After yet another lengthy physics discussion, we agreed that the dragon could not possibly avoid the metal spike, given its velocity and momentum. It skewered itself on the spike, and though it wasn't enough to kill it, the move cost it a significant portion of its HP.

Seeing what had happened to the red dragon, a smaller black dragon decided it would be safer to land and carry out this attack on the ground. This was not a good decision. You see, another party member had acquired a ring that could summon an earth elemental anywhere within a given distance of the caster. He raised his hand and spoke the command word, and a living block of stone materialized... directly above the black dragon. Given the size and weight, the DM ruled that the dragon was simply squashed.

It was the best fight I've ever been killed in.

[Karoht]

Party goes to challenge the big bad of a dungeon, more or less fails due to some poor tactics and poor rolls. Tactical retreat time right?

Sort of.
The sorcerer gets around the corner and Polymorphs himself into a spider.
While the party is wondering where he is, he casts Greater Invisibility and Project Image on himself. So this Illusion of a Spider crawls it's way to the corner they just turned, and has line of sight/effect to the boss. The spider then crawls up the adjacent wall and huddles beside a lantern on the wall.

The party then comes back around the corner thinking the sorcerer is dead and vowing revenge, one of the party members spots the spider and squishes it.


Thankfully he squished the illusion and not the caster, but you get the idea.

[ReaderAt2046]

But when Fubear's foot should have connected with Nieve, a blue forcefield sprang up protecting her stomach, blocking the blow but sending Fubear and Nieve flying into the sky. This is how the party found out Nieve's secret that she was pregnant with Solaren's baby.

I sense a greater story here... Do tell!

[herberus]

Its been awhile since I've done a post but here it goes.

not sure if i have posted these 2 stories or not but the 1st one is a funny story and the 2nd one is a story that even to this day make me a little bit upset.

these are the characters.

Herberus the goblin necromancer wizard -me
boner skeletal minion *yes i named him boner*
Aust the dark elf ranger -Michael
Declan the half elf sorcerer -Tyler


1st story:
we have just finished taking over a big kingdom *we where all evil at that point* and we headed to the leader of the thieves guild, we already convinced the fighters guild and the mages guild.
the thieves guild leader was the easiest to convince since we just had to pay him gold as we where leaving he asked us "hey would you like to buy the balls of vecna" DM thinking no one would take this offer.
but i was the one who took the offer since i had infernal pact with improved Regeneration so i knew if i chopped off my balls i could reattach them or they would regenerate if the balls of vecna turned out to be fake. so i did just that i pulled up my robe and did the deed and as stunned as everyone was i was smiling.

2nd story:
this takes place right after story 1 at least i think it did its been awhile a man approaches us for a fetch quest i think it was to find someone but anyways it takes us to the top of a mountain.
where we see 2 jesters *we seen them before in our adventures* we start to get ready to roll our initiatives and then the DM says *they pull out 2 modern day guns and shoot you both in the head your dead* no reflex, no chance to fight them just dead.
now if we had a chance to fight them and died i wouldn't be upset but just not getting that chance made me upset. i don't know maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it let me know if i am or not?

[Sduser]

I wish I had more Funny stories than horror stories. The tales of woe from my group could fill a book. But... We do have one player that is the sole reason I keep putting my DM's hat on.. so to speak.

This player will be refered to as D, and has one quality to this day I swear he doesn't even realize. He can take any serious moment, any serious event, and immediatly be the reason every single bloody player is on the floor in stitches. I'll give you three events:

Story 1: Go to Sleep!

Spoiler

Show

3.5, D is playing a Barbarian, party was resting before setting off to find the plot, more or less, when the Group Sorcerer was speaking to his former master while he believed A) No one was awake still, and B) the cover of night and the sounds of the nearby water wheel helped him keep his encounter a secret. The Former Master happened to be the BBEG of my campaign, and had one annoying ability that he could make basically make weak copies of himself that he could, at any time, control and speak through. So, as Mage and BBEC (C is for clone, pay attention!) Get into a heated debate, the Barbarian succesfully wakes up.

His course of action? He leans out the window, and yells to the two, "Hey! Shut the *** Up! Do you have any idea what time it is! Get your *** Inside now and go to sleep!"

The Mage, more or less done with the BBEC, goes inside, and the BBEC turns to leave. But... Nope.

D: "Hey! You! Where the **** Are you going?"
BBEC: "Me? PArdon?"
D: "I said get your *** Inside right now and go to sleep!"

This wasn't a joke. This was seriously him, in character. The BBEC stared at him for a few, not sure if he should take him serious or not, then began to walk off again. D picked up a chair from his room, threw it at the BBEC, and knocked him out. He then dragged the unconcious clone inside, and tucked him into bed. This is not a joke, this happened. When morning came, the BBEC was leaving because even he had no idea how to just walk out after being tucked in bed by the enemy.

D: "Hey! You! Aren't you going to say anything!?"
BBEC: "Say... Excuse me?"
D: "Where the **** are your manners!? You stayed the night and can't even say thank you!"
BBEC: "...Thank You."

To this day, whenever a player is obviously putting off sleep to do anything, D will raise a chair as our group's own little meme.

Story 2: Vegetarian

Spoiler

Show

Same game, same party, same day, same everything save for they had moved onward to a town that was being attacked nonstop by Wererats. The Barbarian had been away for an hour IRL for random reasons, and just now returned. The party had been spending time working out how they were going to sneak around the Wererats to get to their domain and basically "Purge the Wicked."

D gets up, walks outside the shack they are hiding in, the party flabbergasted, and yells out to the wererats, "If you don't leave us the **** I'm going to make each and every single one of you a Vegetarian!"

It took me a moment to register that he was threatening them. Like, using that as a valid threat. To enforce it, the first wererat that attacked him, he said "Called shot to the face, I want to break his teeth." Crit. The rat's teeth were shattered. Suddenly, vegetarianism became a threat. Gog help us all.

Story 3: Knock, Knock

Spoiler

Show

Same game, same party, new dungeon. They were looking through what was basically just a big library full of curses, dangers, and wayward magic. BBEG, not a clone this time, locked D in a room with... I forget the monster, but it was a downhill battle that he won. He told me he wanted to rip the door off it's handles and keep it with him.

He kept that door on his person ALL GAME until the encounter with the BBEG. Fast forward three IRL months, they walk into the BBEG's throne room as he began to monologue. D's face went from the apathetic one we had grown used to into one of fury as he just calmly walked up to the BBEG, slammed the door into him, and said "I'm going to shove this door up your *** and knock on your Kidneys to see if you're home!"

We had to wait 20 minutes to begin the actual combat because I could not stop laughing at the sheer amount of win that the events of three months ago had led up to.

I wish I had more, but I mostly have tales of horror and what would be appropriate for a "Bad Player" thread :P

[Doorhandle]

I wish I had more Funny stories than horror stories. The tales of woe from my group could fill a book. But... We do have one player that is the sole reason I keep putting my DM's hat on.. so to speak.

This player will be refered to as D, and has one quality to this day I swear he doesn't even realize. He can take any serious moment, any serious event, and immediatly be the reason every single bloody player is on the floor in stitches. I'll give you three events:

Story 1: Go to Sleep!

Spoiler

Show

3.5, D is playing a Barbarian, party was resting before setting off to find the plot, more or less, when the Group Sorcerer was speaking to his former master while he believed A) No one was awake still, and B) the cover of night and the sounds of the nearby water wheel helped him keep his encounter a secret. The Former Master happened to be the BBEG of my campaign, and had one annoying ability that he could make basically make weak copies of himself that he could, at any time, control and speak through. So, as Mage and BBEC (C is for clone, pay attention!) Get into a heated debate, the Barbarian succesfully wakes up.

His course of action? He leans out the window, and yells to the two, "Hey! Shut the *** Up! Do you have any idea what time it is! Get your *** Inside now and go to sleep!"

The Mage, more or less done with the BBEC, goes inside, and the BBEC turns to leave. But... Nope.

D: "Hey! You! Where the **** Are you going?"
BBEC: "Me? PArdon?"
D: "I said get your *** Inside right now and go to sleep!"

This wasn't a joke. This was seriously him, in character. The BBEC stared at him for a few, not sure if he should take him serious or not, then began to walk off again. D picked up a chair from his room, threw it at the BBEC, and knocked him out. He then dragged the unconcious clone inside, and tucked him into bed. This is not a joke, this happened. When morning came, the BBEC was leaving because even he had no idea how to just walk out after being tucked in bed by the enemy.

D: "Hey! You! Aren't you going to say anything!?"
BBEC: "Say... Excuse me?"
D: "Where the **** are your manners!? You stayed the night and can't even say thank you!"
BBEC: "...Thank You."

To this day, whenever a player is obviously putting off sleep to do anything, D will raise a chair as our group's own little meme.

Story 2: Vegetarian

Spoiler

Show

Same game, same party, same day, same everything save for they had moved onward to a town that was being attacked nonstop by Wererats. The Barbarian had been away for an hour IRL for random reasons, and just now returned. The party had been spending time working out how they were going to sneak around the Wererats to get to their domain and basically "Purge the Wicked."

D gets up, walks outside the shack they are hiding in, the party flabbergasted, and yells out to the wererats, "If you don't leave us the **** I'm going to make each and every single one of you a Vegetarian!"

It took me a moment to register that he was threatening them. Like, using that as a valid threat. To enforce it, the first wererat that attacked him, he said "Called shot to the face, I want to break his teeth." Crit. The rat's teeth were shattered. Suddenly, vegetarianism became a threat. Gog help us all.

Story 3: Knock, Knock

Spoiler

Show

Same game, same party, new dungeon. They were looking through what was basically just a big library full of curses, dangers, and wayward magic. BBEG, not a clone this time, locked D in a room with... I forget the monster, but it was a downhill battle that he won. He told me he wanted to rip the door off it's handles and keep it with him.

He kept that door on his person ALL GAME until the encounter with the BBEG. Fast forward three IRL months, they walk into the BBEG's throne room as he began to monologue. D's face went from the apathetic one we had grown used to into one of fury as he just calmly walked up to the BBEG, slammed the door into him, and said "I'm going to shove this door up your *** and knock on your Kidneys to see if you're home!"

We had to wait 20 minutes to begin the actual combat because I could not stop laughing at the sheer amount of win that the events of three months ago had led up to.

I wish I had more, but I mostly have tales of horror and what would be appropriate for a "Bad Player" thread :P

D: Comic relief, or BADASS relief?

[Sduser]

D: Comic relief, or BADASS relief?

In the years I've played, ran, and read about various RPGS, I've never once heard of a player using the same door the BBEG locked them in a room with to beat the BBEG during his monologue.

Whats worse is in my Shadowrun campaign he's playing pretty much the same character as in the DND game. I'm expecting him to give me a heart attack this time.

[Razgriez]

Oh, yeah. My group did that once. After finding an ancient map in a cursed library, a few weeks of travelling, a difficult fight, a riddle contest against a sphinx and sneaking past a gigantic dragon, they finally find the magic crystal they are looking for, one of only three left in the world.
The party begins to examine it.
Fighter: "I hit it with my sword, to see if I can chip it!"
DM (me): "Sure?"
Fighter: "Yeah!"
DM: "Okay... your weapon is spell-storing, right?"
Fighter: "Ooh shhhh..."
DM: "And you had shatter stored in there, right?"
Party:

Real Killer DMs: Giving the party all the tools they need/want, so that they end up doing all the wrong things at all the right times, for your Evil amusement

[Kaww]

D&D 3.5, during character creation a woman I play with rolled decent stats and a 6. Her original idea was to play a halfling archer and dump strength. Then she realized she would hardly be able to move if she picks up a stick, let alone any kind of bow or crossbow.

She ponders on how to reassign her stats for five minutes and then says: "I got it! I can move!"
"Are you stupid?" Another player asks.
"No." She replies.
"Are you insane?" He tries again.
"No."
"Are you ugly?" He makes his last guess, since he knows she wants to play an archer and is experienced enough not to dump constitution.
"No."
"What then?" He asks, not even trying to hide the confusion in his voice.
"I'm a dwarf." She says in zen calm and everyone bursts into laughter.

[newBlazingAngel]

We've finally finished our first adventure after about 6-7 half hour or less sessions. Highlights up until this point:

Discovering that the trapped door that shoots knockout poison at you has a false knob, and opens like a sliding glass door.

My character nearly having his head ripped off by a zombie hanging from a chain.

A character, who is completely blind for a poison dart in the eye, grabbing onto one of the chains, ripping it out of the ceiling and whipping it around him Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle style. This action happened to pull the exact chain required to open the door.

The rest of the group considering throwing my stabilized at zero health body into some ooze that closing in around us to see what would happen. (Luckily they ended up giving me a healing potion they found)

Of roughly ten people, only four escaped that ooze room, because getting out involved jumping from a wooden plank leaning against a stone cylinder to a door fifteen feet off the ground. (The cylinder and the plank were holding down separate pressure plates, and the ooze was too close for any other options.)

The first person made it across no problem. So we decide to be a smart idea to toss him some rope, so if we fail, we can still hold the rope. I'm next. Terrible failure to jump, and climb up the rope, so barely holding on. No problem right? The other guy can just pull me up? No. He decides not to risk it and drops me.

The guy died the very next turn attempting to save the very next person.

After many very similar deaths, the dream team is in this new room. A sorcerer, a wizard, and two people with undefined classes. (free form roleplaying) The room has racks of weapons so they each take their pick/ With a lucky search the undefined class who appeared to be leader found a crossbow and a grappling hook. Sorcerer grabs a spear. Other undefined grabs a dagger and shield. Wizard takes a quarterstaff. The sorceror took a second search and managed to find a shield made of obsidian.

The next door is locked, so after some careful and logical thinking, they smash it to pieces.

Then, they saw a shadow of a dragon from around a bend in the hallway.

More tomorrow.

[Reathin]

One of my very old campaigns, I had a pretty basic story where a villain had stolen a considerable chunk of his former goddess' powers. The goddess in question, whose name now escapes me, ruled over decay and offered immortality and other goodies to the players in exchange for hunting him down before he could actually "internalize" the power he'd manage to take. She was only really capable of acting in a single temple and couldn't empower her clerics to help out. The end result was a race to acquire a few macguffins. Fairly standard stuff. Not one of my best campaigns, but I really enjoyed the dungeons I managed to design for it.

Turns out though, that they liked the "villain" more than their employer. They figured they had no real qualm with him and, to quote Brick, the fighter: "He didn't steal my sword". He had been attempting to kill her when she talked down to him, and she'd teleported his sword away. Slightly taken aback, I continued from there, bemused at the turn of events. Never underestimate player characters.


In another campaign, one that I was a player in, my character was a gung-ho cleric of Talos, the Stormlord. I loved playing her over-the-top nature, with lightning being the go-to solution for most problems and trying to one up each adventure they went on (which was pretty hard. We ended up blowing up two mountains [at level 3] in as many sessions). She has a MASSIVE prejudice against druids. Hated them completely and utterly, spits when they're mentioned, goes out of her way to insult them etc. The other players don't know WHY just yet, but they realized pretty quickly how much she loathes them. We end up in a druidic region when trying to sneak up on an enemy nation's industrial complex. This was supposed to be as simple as walking down a road, but oh boy, did it get interesting. First, we cut through the forest alongside the road to avoid being spotted. When we had to leave, my character tried to lightning-down a tree that was in the way, which got them in a huff. We basically got conscripted into...something, can't remember what now, given what came next. We ended up ambushing an enemy caravan, killing everything. We knew it was heading for a nearby military fort, at which point I was struck by inspiration. Using an illusion ring we had from earlier in the game, I disguised myself as the commander after grabbing his fireball spewing blunderbuss, made my way to the enemy base and, after being questioned by terrified recruits what had happened, claimed "damned druids....attacked us". A little more effort, and I'd started a war between the two. It was GLORIOUS. We eventually moved on to the enemy weapon development area. Turns out they had managed to mass-breed red dragons and control them using magic rings. They started as eggs, bug magically grew into adolessence when needed.

We took over a thousand of them, stealing an enemy caravan to do so.

Oh, and on our way back, I buzzed the enemy base, screaming nature-themed battlecries in order to keep the war going. Sadly, our home nation confiscated our portable dragon army, but it was the most fun I've had in RPing in ages.

And for some out of context quotes from that second campaign:
1. Damn druids!
2. I remove the bananas from my inventory
3. Death to those who threaten Nature!
4. Aside from the psychological horror of eating her own young...
5. Actually I think you're saying "BWAHGAHAHGHA!"
6. Fighter Player: Is that a nine or a six?
DM: "It's a d6..."
7. Find a dwarf, blame the druids
8. DM: "You wake up in the drunk tank"
Fighter: I AM THE DRUNK TANK!
9. "The whirlpool uses its action to SWIRRRRL."
10. You pick the pocket of truth.