Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Sholos]

Girls should definitely ask guys out if they want to go out with them. Why make the guy be the one to initiate? Because society says girls should be passive? No. Besides, that's a great way to lose a guy in the first place.

In other news, I set up an OKCupid profile. Even found a few girls that piqued my interest. Now for the hard part. What's a good way of sending a first message on a dating site? For that matter, what are some tips for setting up your own profile? Things to include? Things not to include?

[Glass Mouse]

In other news, I set up an OKCupid profile. Even found a few girls that piqued my interest. Now for the hard part. What's a good way of sending a first message on a dating site? For that matter, what are some tips for setting up your own profile? Things to include? Things not to include?

OKCupid has its own blog that answers some of those questions. You can try this article, or anything about profile pictures.
Be warned though, that some of this may be... depressing, I guess? Many commenters there get mad about the conclusions, probably because some are politically incorrect. Just take it for superficial and somewhat useful statistics, and some of the advice seems alright.

[Lissou]

I've pretty much always asked guys when I was interested in them, and was rejected except in two cases. I've also asked guys for a movie or lunch or whatever without further intentions (as in, it was meant to be friendly, not a date) and had the "I like you, but..." talk as a reply.
In short, yeah, guys reject girls for sure. If you want to ask, just ask. If they say yes, maybe it's because they're desperate and would have said yes to anyone, but maybe it's because they like you, and you won't know until you give it a try anyways.

[rogueboy]

A couple of my friends were talking about relationships, ending with the guy advising the girl to never be the one to initiate a relationship. He explained that guys 1) want relationships, 2) don't get nearly as many relationships as they want, and 3) are incredibly impulsive. So when a girl comes up and initiates, the guy will jump on the chance whether or not he actually likes the girl.

This is going to be obvious, but it depends on the guy. I'm sure there are guys out there who are so desperate to be in a relationship they'll say yes if anyone asks them. But I'm willing to bet there are far more reasonably-minded guys out there who, if asked by someone they don't like, would say so.

Also, and this may not apply to a large proportion of guys out there, but it certainly applies to me, not everyone is good at reading people. You may think you're being obviously flirty/showing interest, but I'll usually manage to completely miss that or come up with some alternative explanation for it (I'm working on being better at not doing that).

tl;dr: if a girl likes a guy, just ask. Worst case, it is one of those guys who'll say yes to anyone, in which case you probably learn that pretty quickly. More likely, it's a reasonable guy, who'll say yes if interested, and no if not.

[Rawhide]

Things not to include?

Don't include that you're a Magic: The Gathering champion.

[Glass Mouse]

Don't include that you're a Magic: The Gathering champion.

Now that's just horrible advice. Don't girls deserve fair warning about stuff like that? /sarcasm

[Skeppio]

Now that's just horrible advice. Don't girls deserve fair warning about stuff like that? /sarcasm

He might be referring to this: Thread [Locked]

Edit: Oh, oops. Didn't see the white text.

[Glass Mouse]

He might be referring to this: Thread [Locked]

Edit: Oh, oops. Didn't see the white text.

I fail at sarcasm, haha.

Thanks for the thread link, though. For some reason I thought I'd seen the link in this thread originally.

[Rawhide]

Yeah, I'm joking and yeah, that's the story I was referring to.

[Heliomance]

He might be referring to this: Thread [Locked]

Edit: Oh, oops. Didn't see the white text.

O_o
I got that he was being facetious (I don't think sarcastic is quite the right term) even without the white text.

[DeadManSleeping]

I'm honestly not sure I could send a message to someone who was a M:tG champ. Too intimidating. What have I ever done that's cool like that?

[Glass Mouse]

I got that he was being facetious (I don't think sarcastic is quite the right term) even without the white text.

Ooh, I really need to make "facetious" part of my active vocabolary. I keep needing it.

And thanks, Helio. I must admit, I was a little horrified that someone could take that seriously... and not eat me alive. Apparantly, Skeppio is too nice

[Syka]

On asking guys out: Meh. Advice like that tends to come from advice books like The Rules *gag* and He's Just Not That Into You.

While I've never asked a guy out, I have been the iniator is some respects. When Oz and I were dancing around what we were for a week after a weekend filled with cuddles and kisses and a week of conversations several hours long each day, I finally asked whether we were together or not. Which I've been told not to do.

That was four years ago. He likes that I don't play games like the above "not asking a guy out because it'll kill a relationship".


Take away: While I'm sure some guys would be turned off by a girl being the aggressor, evaluate if that's REALLY the type of guy you would like to be with.


...oh, and if they think girls never do accept a guys offer out of desperation for a relationship...*busts up laughing...has seen it happen*

[Form]

Now that's just horrible advice. Don't girls deserve fair warning about stuff like that? /sarcasm

I can be a little intimidating and scare people off when it's not really that relevant. An argument can be made both for putting it on one's profile and for not putting it there though. I don't really think it matters much exactly which option one takes.

[H Birchgrove]

I can be a little intimidating and scare people off when it's not really that relevant. An argument can be made both for putting it on one's profile and for not putting it there though. I don't really think it matters much exactly which option one takes.

I think you missed the white text.

[Form]

I think you missed the white text.

Naw, I noticed. I just figured it'd be a useful comment anyway.

[Adumbration]

Guys and gals, when are innocent remarks just innocent remarks and when are they something else altogether? Example: I chat with a great girl at a party and it feels like there's chemistry going on... but I then find out that she has a boyfriend and I back off (naturally). Next day she remarks during a conversation about some other folks that a relationship is not a stop sign but rather a speed bump.

(Other examples that have made me wonder over the year or so:
A girl: "No one's good enough for you!"
Me: "Ah yes, now I remember the name, it was Caligula, the crazy bastard."
***
Another girl: "Adumbration, you walk around with blinders on!")

I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Never a good thing.

[rogueboy]

Guys and gals, when are innocent remarks just innocent remarks and when are they something else altogether? Example: I chat with a great girl at a party and it feels like there's chemistry going on... but I then find out that she has a boyfriend and I back off (naturally). Next day she remarks during a conversation about some other folks that a relationship is not a stop sign but rather a speed bump.

Personally, I wouldn't really care if she was commenting about you backing off in some round-about way; her comment strikes me as basically saying that cheating is OK, which isn't something I'd want in a partner.

(Other examples that have made me wonder over the year or so:
A girl: "No one's good enough for you!"
Me: "Ah yes, now I remember the name, it was Caligula, the crazy bastard."

Not really sure about her comment (is there more context to this?), but where did yours come from? That seems like a pretty solid non sequitur to me.

Another girl: "Adumbration, you walk around with blinders on!"

Could it just be that you missed seeing something (I mean actually seeing something, like someone on a unicycle)? I know I do that often enough; in fact, I'm a little surprised no one's ever said that to me...

I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Never a good thing.

Personally, I tend to overthink things, which also ends badly. Context is a big piece of what people mean (see your last 2 examples for proof of that).

[Odentin]

Guys and gals, when are innocent remarks just innocent remarks and when are they something else altogether? Example: I chat with a great girl at a party and it feels like there's chemistry going on... but I then find out that she has a boyfriend and I back off (naturally). Next day she remarks during a conversation about some other folks that a relationship is not a stop sign but rather a speed bump.

(Other examples that have made me wonder over the year or so:
A girl: "No one's good enough for you!"
Me: "Ah yes, now I remember the name, it was Caligula, the crazy bastard."
***
Another girl: "Adumbration, you walk around with blinders on!")

I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Never a good thing.

Going to have to agree with Rogue on most points. Cheating = ok? Not a good quality, usually.

Also, words alone are rarely enough to judge whether or not someone is signaling you. Context, intonation, body language, etc. are all required to give an accurate estimation of what the other person is trying to convey.

[Coidzor]

While I'm prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt and that it could have meant something else, possibly along the lines of observing the obvious that some people are just in relationships to be in relationships, so they'd be open to the possibility of something awesome, but it'd have to be pretty convincing and grab their attention as something different from what they're in....

The point remains that, Adumbration, that kind of comment is the kind of thing people say because they want people to ask them questions about it and get clarification.

So if you don't understand what she meant by that, I have to pose the question right back at you, why you didn't ask her anything in response?

[Adumbration]

Personally, I wouldn't really care if she was commenting about you backing off in some round-about way; her comment strikes me as basically saying that cheating is OK, which isn't something I'd want in a partner.

Not really sure about her comment (is there more context to this?), but where did yours come from? That seems like a pretty solid non sequitur to me.

Context: during a college lecture there was some sort of remark about cruelty and sadists and I started wondering aloud who the heck that roman emperor that was known for that stuff. I was rattling aloud vaguely Roman names and dismissing them at the same time and hold a small thinking pause when she said that. Pretty much out of the blue, considering that I wasn't even really talking with her - although she did sit next to me.

Could it just be that you missed seeing something (I mean actually seeing something, like someone on a unicycle)? I know I do that often enough; in fact, I'm a little surprised no one's ever said that to me...

Context: that morning - the first day of college this semester - I had missed something like half an hour of the class by going to the wrong building, which was a bit stupid considering it is my second year the campus. I was sort of laughing about it with my friends when she said with some considerable passion. It sort of stuck in my teeth, considering it had very little to actually to do with missing things as in with a horse with blinders, which was her metaphor.

While I'm prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt and that it could have meant something else, possibly along the lines of observing the obvious that some people are just in relationships to be in relationships, so they'd be open to the possibility of something awesome, but it'd have to be pretty convincing and grab their attention as something different from what they're in....

The point remains that, Adumbration, that kind of comment is the kind of thing people say because they want people to ask them questions about it and get clarification.

So if you don't understand what she meant by that, I have to pose the question right back at you, why you didn't ask her anything in response?

1) It was remark made while in a group and observing other people. 2) I don't really know what I could've said or asked as well. 3) I'm about as socially observant as a sack of bricks. I usually operate purely on hindsight and on the principle that it's already too late so why bother anyway.

[Nargan]

... but I then find out that she has a boyfriend and I back off (naturally).

Just because there's a goalkeeper guarding the net doesn't mean you can't score. Damn, i'm good at sports references.

Maybe i'm a man-whore, but I hit on girls who have boyfriends a lot. It hasn't yet worked, but it WILL EVENTUALLY. *disgustingface.jpg*

[Coidzor]

1) It was remark made while in a group and observing other people. 2) I don't really know what I could've said or asked as well. 3) I'm about as socially observant as a sack of bricks. I usually operate purely on hindsight and on the principle that it's already too late so why bother anyway.

"Well, I can see about 3 different ways of taking that, so which are we supposed to take away here?" Just one example that's mostly neutral.

[rogueboy]

Context: during a college lecture there was some sort of remark about cruelty and sadists and I started wondering aloud who the heck that roman emperor that was known for that stuff. I was rattling aloud vaguely Roman names and dismissing them at the same time and hold a small thinking pause when she said that. Pretty much out of the blue, considering that I wasn't even really talking with her - although she did sit next to me.

Then I'd say that this was just a random comment that she made, likely without implications beyond the fact that none of the emperors seem to satisfy you (even though all of them probably have some element of cruelty/sadism, at least by some definitions - I don't know enough about Roman emperors to know for sure).

Context: that morning - the first day of college this semester - I had missed something like half an hour of the class by going to the wrong building, which was a bit stupid considering it is my second year the campus. I was sort of laughing about it with my friends when she said with some considerable passion. It sort of stuck in my teeth, considering it had very little to actually to do with missing things as in with a horse with blinders, which was her metaphor.

Again, this seems like a comment that has no further implications. While she's not referring to literal blinders, getting the building wrong is a sizeable error (although not necessarily unreasonable, even in your second year), and she may have just been using a more literal metaphor for whatever reason (some people just like literal metaphors for teasing friends).

Just my thoughts, and hopefully they make (enough) sense.

[Malfunctioned]

So remember how I had a nice LDR with a girl in Canada and everything was going well?

Well yeah.

I've always had that problem about getting attracted to people, and people being more attracted to me when I'm in a relationship. And quite a while ago I mentioned that a girl who was essentially a little sister to one of my closest friends had started messaging me on facebook with both of us obviously attracted to each other.

Well she goes to my college now.

Basically I'd been having doubts about my ability to stay faithful with a girl who was around 4000 miles away. And after confiding in a few friends about this I decided that it was probably best if I broke up with her rather than me cheat on her or be so scared of cheating on her that I ruined the relationship that way. So that was this Sunday.

On Monday I was in college and talking to a few friends whilst the girl, who shall be named P, was a few tables away talking to a few of hers. I overheard some of her conversation. Mainly about her rating me '30 out of 10' and how she hates that I have a girlfriend.
That night I broke up my LDR.
Yesterday I had my first kiss in around 8 months with P.
Today.....well I didn't see her too much, damn conflicting schedules, but the time I spent with her was nice.


My Ex-LDR has messaged me saying how sad she is and how she can't sleep and how she has been crying in school. I know I should feel terrible about this, and when I think about it I do, but it just passes. And that just makes me feel like a ****. I have no idea how things are gonna work out, seriously.


So TL/DR.
I broke up with my 'fake high school girlfriend' to 'date' a girl I only really just met.

I just want to know if anyone thinks I have or haven't done the right thing.


Add in the fact that she has, when she counted, seven exes that she would count as evil.
And that I play bass.


I might be becoming Scott Pilgrim.

[Sipex]

You may get a lot of flak for what you did but really, is it all that bad? What are the alternatives?

1) Stay with LDR girl
You were losing attraction to her, thinking of breaking up with her anyways and wanted to date P. Staying with her is unfair to both of you.

2) Don't date P
You confine yourself to someone else's opinion that you should wait between dating when you're obviously ready to date again (meaning you probably decided you didn't want to date LDR girl anymore a while ago). Also, seriously risks P finding another guy while you wait for this arbitrary time limit to expire.

3) Date P but constantly feel bad about breaking up with LDR girl.
You already feel somewhat bad, that's normal and human. So what if you don't feel worse? You did what you wanted to do and are dating a girl you want to date, you should logically be happy.

So no, I don't see anything wrong with the choice you made.

[Coidzor]

^: Just stay away from the statuary and you'll be fine, I imagine. Also, have you ever heard the song my girlfriend who lives in Canada from Avenue Q?

Viz. Roman Emperors: Caligula and/or Nero are generally regarded as the most... uh... Decadent of the Roman Emperors.

[Malfunctioned]

You may get a lot of flak for what you did but really, is it all that bad? What are the alternatives?

1) Stay with LDR girl
You were losing attraction to her, thinking of breaking up with her anyways and wanted to date P. Staying with her is unfair to both of you.

2) Don't date P
You confine yourself to someone else's opinion that you should wait between dating when you're obviously ready to date again (meaning you probably decided you didn't want to date LDR girl anymore a while ago). Also, seriously risks P finding another guy while you wait for this arbitrary time limit to expire.

3) Date P but constantly feel bad about breaking up with LDR girl.
You already feel somewhat bad, that's normal and human. So what if you don't feel worse? You did what you wanted to do and are dating a girl you want to date, you should logically be happy.

So no, I don't see anything wrong with the choice you made.

Thanks, I've just never done this kind of thing so quickly, jumping straight from one relationship to another. Though I'm still not exactly in a relationship now, just entire canyon-fulls of flirtation. And kissing, not canyon-loads but still a bit.

^: Just stay away from the statuary and you'll be fine, I imagine. Also, have you ever heard the song my girlfriend who lives in Canada from Avenue Q?

Well the statuary wouldn't be problem anymore. And she's made that more than clear. Very very much so. Never let it be said that I go for shy girls.
And yes. My friend had it ready to play on his laptop whenever she was mentioned....

[Keld Denar]

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from Avenue Q, so YAY!

Mal. Don't be dumb. Tell your consience to STFU and sit down. You didn't do anything wrong. It is almost ALWAYS a bit heartbreaking when someone breaks up with you. She'll deal with it. Statistically speaking, it probably won't be the last time she gets dumped. Life goes on, other fish in the pond, etc etc etc. As far as "you must wait this long before getting into a new relationship", well, that depends entirely on why your old relationship ended. Its bad to go into a relationship for "rebound" reasons (ie to feel validation from another person to fill the validation gap left when you and X broke up). You don't sound like you have that problem. You want to date P because she is cute, she kissed you, and you like her, not because you miss your ex-LDGF and you miss having someone to heap lovey-dovies on.

So, my question is...why are you still here when you should be making kissy faces with P. Go to, my good man, go to!

[Odentin]

Well the statuary wouldn't be problem anymore. And she's made that more than clear. Very very much so. Never let it be said that I go for shy girls.

And yes. My friend had it ready to play on his laptop whenever she was mentioned....

I think he more meant the LEGAL implications of statutory. And if I'm to understand what you just said there, you and your friend are committing more than one felony at the moment...