LGBT people in the playground

[SMEE]

Well, given some recent facts (and some recent closet bashing as well ), I've decided that it would be interesting for us, LGBT people in the playground to share some of our experiences.

Sharing our experiences might help eventual closeted LGBT people in the playground who doesn't want to reveal themselves for several (and valid reasons), but would like to read some advice and experiences from fellow LGBTs.

I'll also set up an anonymous e-mailer in a couple of hours so they can send their inquires to us to answer and help them.

Edit: Anonymous mailer set. Read the description below on how to use it.

Use the address below to send an anonymous message to be posted in this thread.

http://anonmail.smeenet.org/

Your message will be sent straight to a mailbox of mine, comming from a mail user of mine without any kind of personal identification (ip number, session ID or whatever).

Keep in mind that content which contain strong language may be filtered, and content that goes against the forum rules won't be posted at all.

Given that I only have access to that mailbox when at home, I'll only be posting them around 19:00 ~ 22:00 GMT - 2 time.

Enjoy.

I also beg that we keep this topic free of politics and religion. It's beyond the scope of this thread to discuss whether LGBT is "right" or "not".
Let us not post sexually explicit content as well, okay?

Now, I belive I should also post some of my experiences in a form of background exposition.

*Warning, long post ahead*

I found out I was a transexual by the age of 5. I knew something was too wrong with my body, and I had first heard about the SRS surgery in a television program here in Brazil.
For some reason, I found out that it was the answer to my "problem".

As I grew up, I always had this feeling with me, but I also kept trying to suppress it. I was afraid I would lose my few friends, and my family support.
I feared that more than anything, but I knew I was a girl trapped in a boy body.
It was a most awful period, and that turned me into a really introverted person.

By the age of 15, when I was in high school, people started to "read" me, and perceived me as homosexual. Due to that, I was being constantly harassed by them. They couldn't accept me as I were, and I was too confused about everything to react.
There were a pair of bullies that made things even worse, as they sexually harassed me once in a science fair, trying to break my will (and they did).
That was the worst I ever went through as bigotry comes.
I denounced them to the school principal, but he did nothing regarding it.

Things got better at college.
I met new and interesting people and started to socialize more often. I got kissed for the very first time in my second year of college by a girl friend of mine.
Due to that, I decided to definitly suppress my transexuality and be a man. And as you can see, that didn't quite worked out as planned.
Still, even if no one told me, I knew everyone at my course saw me as a homosexual. I could easily hear them talking about it and trying to gather clues that would lead them to my exposure.

By the end of of college, I had a girlfriend (my first one) and we moved together to the city I currently live on.

We lived together as a couple for about two and a half years as things went downhill. I didn't know how to be a man, and that made her really pissed off (for making a bad choice of a man. )
We are still sharing the flat.

By that time (around july, 2005), the urge inside me became far too great for me to bear. I finally accepted that I was no man, and by november, 2005, I went after specialized help after having several mental breakups.

After 10 months of therapy, my psychiatrist put me together once again and I started to take the hormones.
Then I started to scatter hints here and there for my family to find out about my "condition".
I broke it out to my little brother in this very forum in the first GitP: Confessions and Secrets thread.
Thanks to that, I grew enough confidence to break it out to more people, and be open about who I am.
From there on, there were several months until I came out to my mom. She confronted me about what was happening and I told her.
Recently, I came out to a few more family members.

That's my story. A bit dull and boring, but hopefully it'll be of help to someone around here.

Also, I hope I were of help to those who came after me with their inquires, hoping for some small words of comfort.

Moderators, if you find that this topic is inappropriate, please, feel free to close and dump it.

Now, fellow LGBT people, please, share your experiences. They may be most valuable.

Many thanks,
Beatrice.

[Serpentine]

Awwwwww, you listened to my expression of idle curiosity and turned it into reality. How kind
uh
hm
I'm not L, G, B or T, so I suppose I shall be making my exit...
Half of the Ts that I know of (I know of 4) have expressed "interest" in me, does that count?=P
>leaves<
>inconspicuously<
>out the window<

[InaVegt]

Well, this seems to be an on topic question, and thus I shall ask, what's LGBT? Wikipedia does not seem to know, and google gives me some belgian company's website. Strangely enough, I don't think you're talking about that website.

[Castaras]

L - Lesbian
G - Gay
B - Bi
T - Transsexual

Although don't quote me on that. I'm not completely certain.

[Dihan]

Wikipedia does indeed have an article on LGBT here.

[Kaelaroth]

L - Lesbian
G - Gay
B - Bi
T - Transsexual

Although don't quote me on that. I'm not completely certain.

You're right. Merry Christmas.


SMEE, that was beautiful. I hope your story brings hope and joy to many other transexuals.

As for me, although I'm only a young adolescent, I have known about my homosexuality for quite a while now. I hate it, at times, for the negative attention it brings me, but now I embrace my preferences, as I don't want to live a lie (though I actually am, having not told my parents). I don't really want to say a lot on the matter, because there is a chance that I am just "confused", and if I am, two years of my life have been for nothing, so that'd suck. At the moment, however, I am most definitely batting for the other team, and LOVIN' it!

[Dihan]

As for myself, I've known about it for a while but I've only recently began to tell people, well, two people. So I'm very much still in the closet to my parents, family, and all my other acquaintances in school.

[Kaelaroth]

Huh. I told some very close friends, and within 3.42 nanoseconds my entire year knew. . And within the hour the other two years on either side of mine do. A few days ago a Sixth Former asked me if I was that "gay guy".

[Dihan]

I trust my friends, and they said they won't say...

Though the most recent one I told did say there were rumours, I don't know who started it but it definitely wasn't the first person I told. However, I now understand why I get a few people in my year smirking at me as if thinking "I know something you don't know".

[AmberVael]

Hey ya'll.

I haven't had the ease of transition and coping as other people have, but... perhaps for that reason, I should be honest and lay it all out.

I've lived in a small, stereotypical American/Christian/Southerner home and community all of my life. LGBT people weren't just unheard of- they were (and are!) often considered abberations. Deviants from the healthy norm. At least, that's the perception I saw in this place...
I'll try to be fair- I know that this is NOT the views of everyone who falls under those categories- again, this was simply the stereotype and view that I found to be common around me.
Of course, I was no different. In fact, my own hatred of such people was not just equal to that of others, but surpassed it. I was... very radical, to say the least. I'm not going into specifics, but all I can say is I'm ashamed of the way I thought...

Perhaps it was merely the suppressed personality I had. Maybe it was just curiosity, but I often found myself pretending to be the opposite gender online more often than I used my true physical gender. I probably researched GID and GRS more than anyone else out of "curiosity."
The signs have always been there. I just refused to admit them.

More recently, I joined these forums. I began hearing other people's views on LGBT people. I withheld my views, having had a few poorly ending arguments of this same thought process before. I didn't share their opinions, but I didn't shout out condemnations like I was formerly compelled to do.
I simmered in silence, refusing to accept a welcoming view of such people, but feeling too outnumbered to voice my own opinion.

Slowly, very, very, slowly, due to my quiet acceptance of the views of other people, my 'tolerance' began to change to genuine acceptance... but yet, the views clung to me. Influenced my perceptions of myself, at the very least.

I created an alternate account on the forums- Verdandi. I pretended to be female, and for a time quite successfully persuaded people I was. It was frightfully easy... and again it proved my willingness to identify myself as a gender other than what I outwardly claimed to be.

Then one day came.
I don't know what triggered it, or how it happened. Maybe it was reading the emotional turmoil in an online writing- Tales of MU- maybe it was just my subconscious finally saying that it had had enough. But that day I fell into a deep depression. I refused to go to school. I didn't speak. When I went to work I closed my office door and pretended to be absent- to not even exist.

It should be noted that I rarely, hardly ever, experience real emotional trauma or turmoil. In comparison to others, all of my emotions seem muted. I can be happy, I can be sad, I can be sympathetic or angry, but for me to truly, truly feel emotion- well, I hadn't been that way for years. People that knew me worried very, very much. It was wholly unlike me to be that way.

When I had cut myself off from everyone but myself, making myself alone in the world, in existence, I had nowhere to run. There was nothing but myself, my thoughts, and my misled perception of my own identity. I sorted myself through my mind and realized what I had been denying for so long- what had been caged away- what my beliefs and entire societal influence had led me to hate and rebel against.
I was more prone and comfortable to identify myself as a woman than I was willing to admit I was a man. Whether or not it was true, I was perceiving myself as feminine, and was far more comfortable with a feminine identity than a masculine one.

In a rare, rare force of will and show of bravery from myself, I wrote up exactly the type of things that I had been experiencing and posted them on a smaller forum that I go to. Many of you know people from that place- in fact it is composed of people from the playground.
I didn't want to deny it anymore- not to anyone.
But... outside, there were still people who wouldn't accept it. That is what had shaped me to deny myself! How could I ever explain it to them?
Still I struggle with that, I'm not sure how to explain, or to disclose this to anyone in my real life. I'm not just afraid of being looked down on- I'm afraid of persecution.

Of course, it doesn't end there. Oh no, that would be easy, and where would the fun in that be?

There wasn't as much drama-horror-revelation in it, but I came to admit that I was not only transsexual in identity, but bisexual (though I've come to consider the idea that pansexual may be a better term) as well.
The reason for this may have been that I had already accepted that possibility when I had the former revelation, and was pretty much dating (in all but in name) another guy on the forums (and I knew quite, quite well that I was still interested in women).
He asked me to take it further, and I considered it and myself, then after a few days, I gave him a yes. And we're happy about it, so there.
(it's Shadow of the Sun, by the way, if you didn't catch that in the Crush'd thread!)

Currently, the only person who knows the full story of all of this outside of the internet is my dear sweet mother (who is still confused about it all, but has been amazingly acceptant of all of this despite never having really had an opinion before).
My father knows parts of the story, but isn't aware that I know he knows... and I'm honestly not willing to confront him about it all yet. He's where I got most of the beliefs that led to the agony of this situation, so one might understand my hesitation in admitting it all to him. I'm afraid he'll roar, disown me, or even worse, blame himself for this "tragedy" and how he hasn't been a good father (a fact which he has lamented for some time) and... well, spiral in to a very bad depression and make some bad choices.
I could see all of the above happening, and while I disagree with my father in many, many ways, I still love him, and don't want to see any of that happen. Not ever.


So there you have it, people. I hope that helps you sort things out- and maybe encourage you to have a bit broader mindset (unlike I had). It may very well be the key to keeping your sanity...

[Kaelaroth]

Congratulations Vael for letting that all out. It seems you've had a way rougher time that I've had, and though I strongly dissaprove of how you used to act, I am so happy for you (and Shadow of the Sun) now! Yaaay!

I also have a confession to make. I am rather using my sexuality as a kind of weapon at the moment. I'd prefer not to go into great details, but those who pick on me because of my preference have the full force of my slightly promiscuous self forced upon them. It's kinda fun, actually. Is it bad though?

[Dihan]

Cassie, according to the wiki article the T stands for transgender, not transsexual.

Transgender and transsexual are two different ways of saying the same thing.

[Dihan]

Cassie, according to the wiki article the T stands for transgender, not transsexual.

Transgender and transsexual are two different ways of saying the same thing.

Edit: Vael, I admire and congratulate your courage concerning what you've been through. I feel that you deserve to be happy after all this. I hope Shadow of the Sun makes you happy.

[Rex Idiotarum]

Wow, at my school people are generally accepted for things like that. Just as long as we don't get images.

It reminds me of a time when my friend was teasing me about knowing a secret of another friend. I just replied to him, "He's gay? That's fine." Left my friend going just in awe. I said it as a joke, but I found out later that I was right.

Hm... Can I be a Lesbian?

[Jibar]

Is it bad though?

Stphen Fry did the exact same thing.
In that case, I'd say you're not doing it enough.

[Kaelaroth]

Stphen Fry did the exact same thing.
In that case, I'd say you're not doing it enough.

Fill the multi-character word limit.....

[Serpentine]

He asked me to take it further, and I considered it and myself, then after a few days, I gave him a yes. And we're happy about it, so there.
(it's Shadow of the Sun, by the way, if you didn't catch that in the Crush'd thread!)

*squeeeeeeeeel*

>.>
<.<
*gone'd*

[Rex Idiotarum]

Hm... I think I'm Bi in that extremely submissive sort of way. Can we include in this thread D/s and S/m lifestyles? It's a little difficult to find support for that as well.

[Brickwall]

Hm... I think I'm Bi in that extremely submissive sort of way. Can we include in this thread D/s and S/m lifestyles? It's a little difficult to find support for that as well.

Which would make this thread devolve even more quickly into talk about sex instead of about people. With stuff like this (which I honestly can't understand the obsession over, but then again, I am not gay nor do I know anybody who is), it's already pretty hard to keep clean. You're suggesting introducing something that people pretty much always associate with sex. I recommend, for you, reading "Tales of MU". I don't like it, but it seems like what you're looking for. Warning: it's quite explicit and sexual in nature, and I will not link to it on these forums for that reason.

Keep it clean, folks. Don't want another "Romance" on our hands (if you don't remember that, it's probably for the best).

[Rex Idiotarum]

That's my point, LBGT and BDSM all have sexual and psychological aspects. And often both are misunderstood under the sexual aspect, and rarely talked about the psychological effects, and it makes someone hard to admit stuff like that.

[Green Bean]

Well, I'm not personally L, G, B, or T, but I have a few friends who are. They're all good people, and I can honestly say I haven't seen any discrimination from where I sit. Plus, the university I'm going to is very open about this sort of thing. Of course, the LGBT pride week confused the heck out of me. Who's idea was it to just call it 'Pride Week', anyway? I was this close to dressing in the school colours and joining in what I later discovered was the 'Coming Out' parade. Lousy prank-playing trickster friends.

[Serpentine]

My uni had a "Heterosexual of the Year" competition
But that's getting into local politics, so I'll leave it there. It did make it onto Wikipedia for a while, though.

[AmberVael]

Congratulations Vael for letting that all out. It seems you've had a way rougher time that I've had, and though I strongly dissaprove of how you used to act, I am so happy for you (and Shadow of the Sun) now! Yaaay!

I also have a confession to make. I am rather using my sexuality as a kind of weapon at the moment. I'd prefer not to go into great details, but those who pick on me because of my preference have the full force of my slightly promiscuous self forced upon them. It's kinda fun, actually. Is it bad though?

Well I disapprove of how I used to act too, so it seems we're in agreement.

And as for your confession, I frankly find it hilarious. >>
However, I'm not really sure I think it is the best idea- it'll just make people more uncomfortable with your identity and that's not what you want, is it?

Edit: Vael, I admire and congratulate your courage concerning what you've been through. I feel that you deserve to be happy after all this. I hope Shadow of the Sun makes you happy.

Thank you, and he most certainly does (despite being waaaaaaaaaaaay so far away! Talk about long distance.)


As for Rex-
I can certainly understand your reasoning in wanting to merge that, and to be honest I'm rather tempted to support it... but I think LGBT tendencies have a bit more in common, and adding BDSM might honestly be straying off topic or divert attention from what SMEE wanted the thread to be about.
I certainly don't mind the topic, and I would support a different thread being made, but I'm not quite as sure it should be added here.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Y'know, people have spoken of my bravery, strength, other amazing qualities, etc. Personally, I think these people are silly and need therapy, but that's a whole other issue.

I started the Depression Thread to create a place of mutual support.

SMEE has done something very similar here. She's proof I'm not the only one trying to keep both heart and mind in the right place.

(So stop trying to find my missing ego and dump praise on it. Give some to SMEE.)

[VeisuItaTyhjyys]

Transgender and transsexual are two different ways of saying the same thing.

No, they're actually different, although associated with generally the same concept. Crossdressing is simply when someone dresses as the opposite gender. Transgender is when one identifies as the opposite gender, which can including crossdressing, but is not physically a member of that sex. Transsexual is when one's sex is physically changed from one's birth-sex. Essentially, one's Sex represents the physical nature of things; what parts are there, while one's Gender represents a more mental state of being. Thus, a transgender identifies as the opposite gender, while a Transsexual actually undergoes the physical change.
If you'd like more information on the subject and theory in general, I'd reccomend looking into Judith Butler's writings.

[AmberVael]

Errr... you entirely sure about that, VeisuItaTyhjyys?

I'll be honest and admit that I am new to all the different definitions (I've found so many I didn't even know existed! @.@) but while you're right in saying the term Transgender includes crossdressing and generally is a broader term, Transsexual is sometimes used a bit more loosely between identification and those planning for/going through GRS.
As Wikipedia puts it:

The definition of "transsexuality" is somewhat debated. One common definition is that a transsexual is a person who believes that his or her body does not reflect his or her true 'inner' gender. Another common definition is that a transsexual is a person who has had or plans to have medical or surgical treatments that alter his or her body to better reflect what the individual believes is his or her true gender. The first definition allows greater freedom for individuals to self-identify as a transsexual. The latter defines the term based on actual or planned operative status and makes it more an external label than a term of self-definition.

[PhoeKun]

So... story time, huh? I wonder how long this is going to wind up being.

I "discovered" I was transsexual when I was 6. Which is to say, I realized I preferred being feminine to being masculine, and started devoting the majority of the efforts of my imagination towards thinking about what it would be like to not be a boy. And then, I suppressed the hell out of these thoughts. I was sure I couldn't say anything to anyone, and had no idea I wasn't the only one doing this... so I branded myself a freak, and refused to deal with it.

6 years later, I was in the hospital after several failed suicide attempts. There was a lot in my life going on at that point, and I won't contribute all of my negative feelings to repressing who I am... my parents were in the middle of considering divorce, my mother had just finished a year-long period in an intensive therapy clinic in Arizona, and my father got into a life-threatening car accident on his way to meet her. I had a lot of stuff to sort through for a 12 year old, and me refusing to accept myself for what I was didn't help one bit. In the hospital, though, things got worse. The staff was so used to treating 'problem children', that they automatically assumed everyone who came must be cut from that same cloth, so they treated me in the same way they treated my roommate, who was there because he tortured animals in some of the cruelest ways I have ever heard of (I'd really rather not go into further detail).

At this hospital, I was a problem to be fixed. More than that, I was a problem to be hated. They confirmed the way I thought about myself, but more importantly they treated me in such a way that I resorted to even more self-destructive behavior: I lied. I lied my butt off, making miraculous leaps of "progress" in therapy sessions, settling down, and "fixing" myself to get out of there as quickly as possible. It took two weeks, after I agreed to try Prozac (which I believe was actually a new drug at the time, but I'm not 100% sure). And Prozac, oh the things that wonderful little pill did to me (although to be fair, I haven't felt suicidal since). If I was ever meant to have a "normal" libido, that pill shut it down hard. I've been calling myself asexual ever since, because in addition to physical problems that I'm not sure I can discuss on these forums, I found even the concept of physical relationships disgusting.

As it turns out, I've been fighting against myself for some time. Through a combination of clothing, hairstyles, and the way I carried myself (I can only assume), I caused myself to flag as female to people looking at me from behind. I've gotten plenty of 'Excuse me, miss?' type comments while working in grocery stores, culminating in a group of morons making cat calls at me as I went to punch out after a late shift.

That was what sort of forced everything out into the open a few months ago, but honestly, I'm not sure I'd be able to accept this at all without the help of some playgrounders. Conversations I had with both phoenixineohp and Amotis helped me come to grips with who I am, and I honestly don't know how much longer it would have taken me to accept myself without either of their help. So, if you guys happen to be reading, thank you.

Recently, I've been dropping hints to my parents, which my mother has super sleuthed her way into figuring out. We've talked, and she's going to help me take my first steps into transitioning. And that takes us to the present. I, for one, am glad the story proper is going to start on a happy note...

[Trog]

*walks by eating a Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato and Garlic sandwich*

[Serpentine]

That sounds... mighty tasty. I'm gonna have to give that a shot sometime, I think.

Phoe, Goff gets called "miss" all the time, though it's not so bad now he's had a hair cut. A couple of times when we've been shopping together we've been asked, "do you girls need any help?" It's far more embarrassing for them than you, I'm sure

[Cobra_Ikari]

I identify more with the opposite gender than my own, but I really can't care enough to do anything about it. Or really wander into the mental state where I try to define myself. But...yeah. >.>