Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[Amotis]

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back of the page.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'to hold their breath for 10 minutes.'
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not 'like big butts and he cannot lie.'
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick up the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.

[Dhavaer]

150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play an elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mpg again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass harmonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the Jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long-winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I cannot order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specialization in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinnertime Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinnertime Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodge ball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic; likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

[Jack Mann]

What's sad is that the guy who originally came up with this list actually statted out polka gnomes.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

Oh god, my sides!

[Rockphed]

Wow, I feel good now!

[Cheashire]

301. I am not allowed to declare my plan of action right before the DM takes a drink of his soda
302. If I’m going to think in an accent, I should let the DM know that ahead of time
303. Liquor is not embalming fluid
304. My bard cannot yell “Do the hussle!” before the perform roll
305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion
306. I’m not allowed to carry other players in my handy haversack, even if their head is sticking out of the opening
307. I must stop trying to hit on my god…even if he is the hotness
308. Not all church services turn into drunken orgies. Many. But not all.
309. I cannot awaken animals, convert them to my religion, and send them running through town yelling “BEER!”
310. I shall not make the DM consider the ramifications of a half-orc and half-elf breeding
311. My horse cannot be more intelligent than fellow party members
312. I will not mock the ultimate battle of good and evil by pasting ugly orc painting on the constructs butt and then ‘raising the roof’
313. Noble women do not knock over trash cans swearing
314. I will not seduce the poorly named NPC that the DM intended to use for all of five seconds
315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so
317. I will not make fun of the whiny emo dragon
318. Faking constipation is not a good way to get out of going to jail
319. Just because we bombed the enemy with 50lbs of opium does not mean I should encourage the Shugenja to use ‘color spray’
320. I will not wander into the church of St. Cuthbert and use ghost sound to make it seem like the head priest is farting
321. …or use prestidigitation to add a noxious smell to that scenario
322. …or add a billowing green cloud behind him
323. I will likewise not throw the eyeballs, blood, intestines, naughty bits of ANYTHING we kill into that same church
324. I will not attempt to make my instrument shoot out lighting in an attempt to make an electric guitar
325. I will not plunge the entire party into magical darkness during a crucial battle without anyone having taken the blind fight feat
326. There is no Perform: Air Guitar skill
327. I will not attempt to make a Balance check when reading an accountant’s ledger
328. I will not stick their used up cure wand up the prisoner’s rear…even if they are a paladin
329. I will not summon animals from my Bag of Tricks in the middle of a store only to steal a five silver piece item
330. I will likewise not claim that the Bag of Tricks is a trap finding tool


The sad thing is...I'm not even making this list up.

[Jade_Tarem]

[quote=Dhavaer;1683815]155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason. [/quote]

Didn't you say you always played female characters on a different thread? Daaaaaaang.

[Destro_Yersul]

can't... breathe...
*passes out from laughing too much*

[Ladoran]

Didn't you say you always played female characters on a different thread? Daaaaaaang.

I'm pretty sure these are not Dhavaer's. As someone mentioned they were first posted by someone who goes by the name theglen. Apparently it's the things Mr. Welch is no longer allowed to do. It's still great fun though .

[Jack Mann]

Yep. Used to post here, long ago. Before my time, actually, but I've seen some of his stuff..

[olaf]

315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so

To me, this seems like a perfectly appropriate thing to do with a column of light that leads to the realm of chaos

[vanyell]

uh... a while back, I made a drizzt slayer PRC...

I am a bad bad man...

must be:
drow
cast arcane spells
killed one drizzt clone

[Ethdred]

301. I am not allowed to declare my plan of action right before the DM takes a drink of his soda
302. If I’m going to think in an accent, I should let the DM know that ahead of time
303. Liquor is not embalming fluid
304. My bard cannot yell “Do the hussle!” before the perform roll
305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion
306. I’m not allowed to carry other players in my handy haversack, even if their head is sticking out of the opening
307. I must stop trying to hit on my god…even if he is the hotness
308. Not all church services turn into drunken orgies. Many. But not all.
309. I cannot awaken animals, convert them to my religion, and send them running through town yelling “BEER!”
310. I shall not make the DM consider the ramifications of a half-orc and half-elf breeding
311. My horse cannot be more intelligent than fellow party members
312. I will not mock the ultimate battle of good and evil by pasting ugly orc painting on the constructs butt and then ‘raising the roof’
313. Noble women do not knock over trash cans swearing
314. I will not seduce the poorly named NPC that the DM intended to use for all of five seconds
315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so
317. I will not make fun of the whiny emo dragon
318. Faking constipation is not a good way to get out of going to jail
319. Just because we bombed the enemy with 50lbs of opium does not mean I should encourage the Shugenja to use ‘color spray’
320. I will not wander into the church of St. Cuthbert and use ghost sound to make it seem like the head priest is farting
321. …or use prestidigitation to add a noxious smell to that scenario
322. …or add a billowing green cloud behind him
323. I will likewise not throw the eyeballs, blood, intestines, naughty bits of ANYTHING we kill into that same church
324. I will not attempt to make my instrument shoot out lighting in an attempt to make an electric guitar
325. I will not plunge the entire party into magical darkness during a crucial battle without anyone having taken the blind fight feat
326. There is no Perform: Air Guitar skill
327. I will not attempt to make a Balance check when reading an accountant’s ledger
328. I will not stick their used up cure wand up the prisoner’s rear…even if they are a paladin
329. I will not summon animals from my Bag of Tricks in the middle of a store only to steal a five silver piece item
330. I will likewise not claim that the Bag of Tricks is a trap finding tool


The sad thing is...I'm not even making this list up.

Now those are funny! I can see why they brought in rule 301

[Deathcow]

305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion

I played a half-orc cleric until level 15 before I took ranks in Knowledge: Religion.

Of course, the amount of crap I took from the other party members was staggering.

[Dawnstrider_Moogle]

*saves this as "Things I Must Totally Do While Gaming"*

[Jinnai]

These are generally all ones that have been told to me at one time or another (and most are still in enforcement):

331. You are not allowed to play a kender, even in DragonLance setting, even if that kender does not have a typical kender personality.
332. You are not allowed to play a kender-like character.
333. You are not allowed to have to use <insert irrelevent stat here> as a drop stat.
334. You are not allowed to use your charisma modifier to get laid.
335. You cannot buy kegs of ale and bring them with you.
336. You cannot buy more that a handful of alchemist frost/fire at a time, even if you can fit them inside your happersack for easy storage/reach.
337. You are not allowed to have your character dress in frilly constumes.
338. You are not allowed to even touch anything that has random magical effects.
339. You are not allowed to attack my party members, even if you are a paladin and they all turn out to be chaotic evil.
340. You cannot use that mud-to-rock, rock-to-mud trick on the ceiling to pass by an encounter.
341. I don't care what you roll on your swim check, you cannot attempt a swim check while wearing full plate mail.
342. I don't care what your charisma is, she isn't going to spend the night with you.
343. You may not have your character strip to gain a circumstance bonus in their charisma check.
344. I don't care what your roll is, you cannot turn Tiamat into a cow and carve up some steaks.
345. When going to defeat the major overload, you are am not allowed to just collapse the building on him.
346. I cannot search for hidden doors here either.
347. I cannot not start stripping everything not tied down and putting it in the wagon.
348. You cannot play a stupid ogre fighter who thinks he's really a thief.
349. You are not allowed to quote any line, from any movie/anime/book/etc.
350. You cannot use your Jack-of-all-trades to know the best location to rub the elf.
351. Jack-of-all-trades does not give you: knowledge: mecha in a D&D game.
352. No, you cannot start up an S&M shop with those weapons.
353. Your companions are not equipable shields.
354. You are not allowed to just not spend all your points and have max luck in an Amber campaign.
355. Throwing your boomerang into the magical spring does not always have a fairy appear who gives you a magical boomerang in return.
356. No, you may not have cute fairies as your companion.
357. You may not make every cute girl in the town into your own sex slave, even if you have that insane charisma and you're their ruler.
358. You may turn the town's population into your own personal slave labor.
359. You may not construct a giant mecha.
360. You are not allowed a petit bishonen boy weighing less than 100 lbs. with weak health. so you can try to get a bunch of fangirls in a BESM game.
361. You are not allowed to use your companions as missile weapons.
362. You may not cast "light" on your companions forehead.
363. You may not have a pet Geletenous Cube.

[Dhavaer]

334. You are not allowed to use your charisma modifier to get laid.

But what else is a charisma modifier for?

And yes, I do only play female characters. No, none of them has rubbed an elf chick. One rubbed a male elf, and another rubbed a half-elf chick, but no elf chicks.

[amanodel]

based on me, my dm and our players. (some of them were one-timer roleplayers, or mad, that's why some of the oddities)

364. You may not search for every fired arrow after an encounter.
365. You may not gore, skin, flay, or otherwise take apart every single slain creature just to collect 100 feet of hamstring to use as a rope in the future.
366. You may not eat the rest of the creature.
...Even if you offer them to your dark god.
367. You may not collect an undead horde pieace after piece day after day in a hiding place with your level 1 evil cleric.
...Even if you do so, you may not shout "Wheeeee!" while doing it.
368. You may not play a goblin wizard with 3 charisma who has a familiar named "Mr. Toad".
...Even if you do so, you may not declare "Mr. Twig" as your new familiar after losing Mr. Toad.
369. You may not play lesbian warrior women with nipple piercings never again.
...Even if you do so, you may not spend an entire gaming sessions hitting on each other.
370. You may not play samurai paladin gnomes.
371. You may not built a 100' high ladder from 100 year old wooden beds, even if you roll a natural 20.
372 a. You may not play a bard too shy to talk.
372 b. You may not play a bard unable to shut up.
373. You may not pass by a pit trap by filling it with rocks with a week's work.
374. You may not push out your party wizard from the hiding bush just to make him the primary target.
...Not even if you're playing an evil character.
375. You may not cast color spray when the party fighter is at front of you.
376. You may not take the low-level wizard's familiar away by force to threaten him about killing it.
377. You may not steal his spellbook, either.
378. You may not rob your party blind in their sleep.
379. You may not order defeated NPC's from the opposite sex to undress.
... Not even if you need the money for their clothes.
380. You may not shout "Your GP or your HP!" as a battle cry.

[NEO|Phyte]

64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"

Laws for the Law Throne!

[Nerd-o-rama]

These are excellent. I'd like to direct your attention to, basically, a longer, Eberron edition of these rules from the twisted minds of to Wizards of the Coast forums

[Dark]

97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'

But that one's easy. The piece of paper turns blank...

[Demented]

"You are now holding a piece of paper with the word 'true' on it."

[Viscount Einstrauss]

Ooh, ooh, my turn!

381. You may not use the remains of any creature with your sling.
382. You may not play a bard that narrates the party's exploits as they happen.
383. If you lose a limb, you may not wield that limb as an improvised weapon.
384. You cannot spit on the fire elemental.
385. Neither can you spit into an air elemental.
386. You may not magically change your alignment to chaotic evil just so you can murder the rest of the party.
387. It's never peanut butter jelly time. Ever.
388. You can't cook and sell a law officer's remains to hide the evidence.
389. Growing out your fingernails doesn't make them claw weapons.
390. You may not choose a half-dragon stone giant as a cohort.
391. You may not imbue any weapon with a portal to another dimension.
392. You especially may not use that weapon to send them straight to any hell for a technical instant kill.
393. You may not hide inside of your Bag of Holding.
394. Profession: Prostitute doesn't exist. Stop asking.
395. You may use epic bluff checks to force the other players to take certain actions, but this is considering unsporting.
396. Physically harming a player in real life doesn't damage their character.
397. The Hand of God attack is a perfectly reasonable response to aggravating the DM, so I'd stop while you're still alive.
398. If you've contracted a disease, you may not bottle any of your fluids and sell them as poisons.
399. You may not obtain the feat Exotic Weapon: Improvised.
400. You may not bury alchemical fire bottles in shallow holes around the city just for laughs.

[mikeejimbo]

331. You are not allowed to play a kender, even in DragonLance setting, even if that kender does not have a typical kender personality.
332. You are not allowed to play a kender-like character.

Reminds me of one they gave to me: When the Kender dies, don't resurrect him.

[Grey Knight]

Most of these are ones I've issued as DM:

401: You may not set fire to the entire forest to get past a wooden barricade unless you distract the druid somehow first.
402: You can't bring the camel into the lighting store.
403: Even if it is your animal companion and you can't bear to be parted from him.
404: The cute blonde female elven wizard cannot take anything with tentacles as a familiar.
405: Just because you're playing an interstitial "catch-up" solo mission and therefore know that your character MUST, necessarily, be alive tomorrow, does not mean that you can throw caution to the wind and wade into battle with no armour and a wooden sword.
406: Heironeous does not allow his paladins to interpret the Paladin's Code "creatively".

[mikeejimbo]

407. When the kender dies, don't resurrect him
408. One of these days, you ought to play a straight character
409. Any character that rolls a natural 20 on a tumble check doesn't count (Acrobatics isn't gay, is it?)
410. Orcs don't make good bards
411. Just because you have the spell doesn't mean you should cast it
412. Especially in Call of Cthulhu
413. No, your character cannot wear a pirate hat at all times
414. There's no such thing as a lava-fish king. Except in some campaign settings
415. You really should play a sane character sometime
416. Not all campaign settings have dwarven women with beards
417. No, you can't use that hair tonic on a woman's chin
418. Dwarven Defender does not automatically mix well with any other class
419. You don't kill vampires by shoving trees up their rear ends
420. Don't try to convert people in the middle of - oh wait, that one was covered
421. No being an autotheist and trying to grant yourself spells (Though again, covered)
422. Don't cast Harm on the vampire
423. No, your character can't be a Freemason
424. No, this one can't either
425. No, it STILL can't
426. Don't write love-poems to fellow party members.
427. Especially of the same sex
428. Especially if you're not a bard
429. Even if you follow a god of gambling, blowing your money on a bet doesn't count as a tithe
430. Do not ask if key political figures are Awakened
431. Meditating in the middle of the battlefield is bad

[Turcano]

I remember at least two of the entries on this list:

"The monk's title is not 'The Slap-Happy Jappy.'"

and

"My bard knows more songs than just 'I Saw Your Mommy.'"

[Jinnai]

But what else is a charisma modifier for?

And yes, I do only play female characters. No, none of them has rubbed an elf chick. One rubbed a male elf, and another rubbed a half-elf chick, but no elf chicks.

I do as well which is why this rule was placed upon me:

343. You may not have your character strip to gain a circumstance bonus in their charisma check.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

433: Lingerie is a 'sometimes' armor.

[mikeejimbo]

I forgot my most important rule!

432: Absolutely no puns. Except on Tuesdays.

They don't like my puns :(