Still suffering for things happened long ago

[Conradine]

I've a problem with memories. Without delving into details, I had not an happy childhood. Lots of struggling in my family, changing places every two-three years ( which made very hard to form any lasting friendship ) and more than everything, ferocious bullying at school.
Now I'm 33 and still haunted by the past. I've tried many different remedies, included psychoanalysis, but it seems to go nowhere. Can't cope with past humiliations and that's quite ruining my life.
Does it happens only to me or it's a common problem?

[WarKitty]

Happens to a lot of us. Go check out our personal woes and advice thread, if you want, that tends to be where a lot of us hand out and talk about this stuff.

[ve4grm]

Yeah, you're not in any way alone. I think obsessing on past events is a fairly common symptom of various anxiety disorders. Personally my obsessions tend to be on times when I felt I had wronged someone else, but I also have very vivid memories of bullying and such.

As Warkitty said, feel free to join the Personal Woes thread. Many of us discuss such things (and far more), and try to help each other deal with them. Feel free to lurk and read, too. No pressure to just spill all your problems of course.

Just know you're not alone.

[JeenLeen]

I think it's pretty normal. Counseling, therapy, or just talking with someone trusted can help. I found cognitive therapy, with an emphasis of watching how and why I think as I do and using that as a springboard for realization and healing, rather helpful.

I think that, as we heal, junk that didn't seem so obvious or junky starts to rise up in our mind. I was struck recently by what an egotistical prick I was to a lot of girls I either dated or was interested in. I don't think I would've realized that if not for the healing and changes I've made since that time. However, I reckon I'm still a rather egotistical prick in a lot of ways and hope that, years from now, I'll look back at now and see that I've continued to heal and grow.

And, as we heal, I think we start to realize some of the causes of our pain. And facing and dealing with those can be painful. But there's at least a chance for healing and peace in the end.

(On a personal note, I think becoming more mentally whole is what led me to realize what a prick I was. Which led me/is leading me to face some things in my past and present that need facing.)


Edit: upon re-reading your initial post, I'll seriously suggest cognitive therapy. I can't speak of it in a professional sense, both due to lack of expertise and forum rules, but I gather it's rather different from psychoanalysis and, while it can deal with the psychological underpinnings, it seems to more focus on current mental states. Really, it sounds like it'd be great for not letting thoughts like those plague you.
I've also found meditation (in my case religious, but I reckon theologically-neutral would do good, too) to be helpful, as it can help you train your mind to force yourself to stop thinking. That doesn't necessarily help you deal with what is plaguing you, but it helps you stop for now to get out of an emotional spiral or to focus on something that needs focusing on.

I get hit with depression sometimes. Not clinical depression, at least I don't think, but a malaise that makes everything hard and joyless. I've found just forcing myself to reject those thoughts and embrace what needs doin' helps me a lot, at least helping me to get done what I need to, and often breaking through that veil of darkness so that I start to feel enjoyment of things again.

[Willie the Duck]

Now I'm 33 and still haunted by the past. I've tried many different remedies, included psychoanalysis, but it seems to go nowhere. Can't cope with past humiliations and that's quite ruining my life.
Does it happens only to me or it's a common problem?

I don't dwell much on past humiliations, but I think a lot about what might have been. I had a traumatic and lifechanging violent event happen when I was younger, as well as chemical dependency related to dealing with it. I somehow managed to put together a pretty rewarding and rewarded life, but not a day goes by where I don't think about how my life might have progressed if it had never happened.

My dad, though, is now in his mid seventies, and has started to obsess over past events in a major way. Things surrounding high school, college under the threat of the Vietnam draft, going into the army at the height of the war, marrying my mom (I think she was the right person for him, and they've been happy together, but I think they were pushed into marriage by the need for the army to be responsible for her as a military spouse), and the sacrifices he made to become a husband, father, and provider in the 70s economy once he came back.

So I guess I'm saying it's normal (particularly for a certain personality type, maybe), common, and you can learn to live with it. However, you probably will have to learn to live with it, because I don't think it's a type of behavior you outgrow.

[Scarlet Knight]

I cannot offer advice, but your problem is common. Imagine all the children in war torn nations. Imagine all the child refugees. All the broken & abused bodies. The lucky ones make it to 33 and I doubt many forget.

It's like the Olympic joke:
Ethiopian: "I had to train without shoes because we were so poor."
Afghani : "At least you had a place to train. I had to train running through mine fields without shoes because we were so poor & were at war."
Yemeni: "You could train openly? I had to train in secret, running through mine fields without shoes because we were so poor, we were at war & the religious police banned women athletes".
Para-olympian: " You had feet? "

[Lazloki]

Bullied in school, an abusive stepfather, and later a bad workplace over a decade back. Sometimes dwell on those incidents from the past, even though most of it's 15-30 years ago.

Some years ago I found myself dwelling over and over on incidents from the workplace. Eventually realised it was because I was listening to the music playlist I'd used at that job.

More recently I was between properties with my wife and baby, so we stayed with my parents while house hunting. I'd largely suppressed how bad the stepfather was, but his ****ty behaviour during that stay brought it flooding back. I think I came close to having a nervous breakdown. He made my wife cry. Worst thing is my mother saying he wasn't being cruel and would treat my sister the same way. That made me concerned how my sisters life has been, as she was a baby when I moved out. Now I don't ever want him around my daughter alone, but as we've moved an hours drive away I doubt they'll ever bother visiting. I feel a little bad that I'll largely be cutting my Mum out of my life, but I'm not sure anymore if she actually cares.

[ve4grm]

Some years ago I found myself dwelling over and over on incidents from the workplace. Eventually realised it was because I was listening to the music playlist I'd used at that job.

There's an area in town that I get physically uncomfortable driving through because it's the way I used to drive to work at a job with a terrible manager. I feel you.