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  1. - Top - End - #931
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Yay, Raptor's back!


    And sorry, but I will not be writing hot Elf on Bard action. Its not so much that I can't do it - I just don't want to do it. Sorry!
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  2. - Top - End - #932
    Banned
     
    Closak's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    *Flies in and steals all the cookies*

    *Eats the cookies*

    *Falls asleep in the middle of the town square to digest the cookies*

    *Wraps tail around an empty cookie package*

  3. - Top - End - #933
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Okey! *Does a swap*

  4. - Top - End - #934
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    You guys have probably noticed a drop in quality lately, but that's probably due to finals being soon and sports tryouts for next semester being this week. (I'm going for JV Swimming--wish me luck!) It should get better next week when I have Thanksgiving break.

    But I love writing, so quality aside, here's another chapter of 'Pasithea's Messenger'. With any luck, it's not that bad.

    Spoiler
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    “That cheeky little bastard lied to me.”

    “I told you, didn’t I?”

    “Shut up, Necromancer chick. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.”

    “What are you planning?”

    “Something fun. I’ve been bored.”


    “New one.”

    “Small.”

    “Green.”

    “Taken?”

    “He likes her.”

    “Not allowed to touch her.”

    “Wants it more.”

    “Do it anyway.”

    “So small.”

    “Won’t survive.”

    “Nope.”

    “Won’t survive.”

    “Tiasal, please wake up… you need to escape…”

    “Hey.”

    Tiasal jerked awake, a headache throbbing against her temple. The walls were made of hard stone, sucking out all the heat around it, as was the floor. The only light came from the giant window she was leaning against. Moonbeams fell on the ground, lighting up the faces of several people discreetly staring at her.

    Her arm hurt.

    The girl shook her head and lightly slapped herself to make sure she was awake, trying to get reoriented.

    A human—she looked like she was ten—slowly walked up and stared down at her, gray eyes calculating. Her belly was swollen and round and her chest had two little bulges barely contained by her new-looking white shirt. Her blond hair was tied in two braids, both resting on her shoulders, and her white skirt swished against her pale ankles, giving her a weirdly fey appearance in the light.

    “You are new here.”

    Tiasal stared up at the girl blankly, cocking her head curiously. She nodded tentatively, immediately trying to take stock of the situation.

    “Okay.” The girl pointed to herself. “My name is Snow.” She then pointed to Tiasal. “I don’t care what you used to be called. You’re now Clash. You’ll respond to that name or you’ll get in trouble.”

    Tiasal blinked in confusion, no small amount of indignation gathering in her stomach.

    “You see this?” Snow patted her swollen belly. “This means that I’m in charge and you’re going to listen to me. Until you get like this, you’ll listen to all the girls who have.”

    She was supposed to listen to the girls because they were fat? What? None of this made sense! It was going too fast!

    “You’re not going to touch any of the kids here and they won’t touch you. The only ones who’re allowed to touch any of us are Master, Lord Xykon, and Ms. Tsukiko. No affection, no smiles, no anything.”

    Tiasal blinked again, trying to comprehend what was going on. Xykon? Tsukiko? She knew those people!

    “No speaking unless spoken to. No resistance if any of the adults tell you to do something. No one wants to hear where you came from or who you were. You don’t want to hear that from anyone else. You’ve started a new life and you can forget everything from before.”

    Xykon?! She was captured by Xykon?!

    Her parents.

    That meant that her parents were near.

    Snow turned around at the rows of children—both genders and mostly pure humanoid—and snapped her fingers. “Evening chores. Be back here in an hour. Turtle, Master wants you. Report to him after chores.”

    The boy being addressed nodded, frowning tightly, before standing up with the rest of the children. Everyone filed out slowly from the room, two neat lines, one made of boys and one of girls. Snow turned around again, putting her hands on her hips and looking down at Tiasal.

    “Clash, you’re going to be cleaning out the torture room. You’ll find the rags you need behind the door there. You’ll notice that you had a magic stone put under your skin—it’ll show you where you need to go.

    Tiasal blinked, quickly looking down at her arm where it hurt. There was a bulge where her flesh was stretched over a foreign object. And that object was glowing hard enough to show an arrow pointing towards the door through her skin.

    She had a strong urge to rip it out.

    “Move or you’ll get punished.” Snow slowly waddled to one of the few beds in the stone room. There were only eight—the rest were just blankets and pillows on the ground.

    Tiasal looked down at her arm, tentatively poking the bulge in her skin. There was definitely a stone under there. And it hurt to touch it.

    She jerked her hand back when her arm flared with pain.

    “Clash! Get moving!”

    Tiasal looked up, staring blankly at Snow. “My name isn’t Clash.”

    The green girl nodded at the human, soothing the nursed indignation within, and walked out of the room, feet and chest still as bare as when she had been knocked out.

    She came out into a weird stone common room. There was a barren rug on the ground, bloodstains rubbed in, with a simple wooden table and an armchair. There was a door across from the one Tiasal had come out of and one adjacent to it.

    She shrugged and picked the adjacent one.

    There was a stone hallway with torches on the walls. The traditional setting for one of Uncle Elan’s melodramatic stories.

    Tiasal prodded the stone under her skin again, wincing in pain and starting off in a random direction down the hall. Where was she? What was going on? The last she remembered, that weird woman had knocked her unconscious.

    Had Aarindarius, Uncle Elan, and Abram really…?

    No. They hadn’t. The weird woman probably had just knocked them unconscious too. She hoped that they were still safely in the field.

    “One of these days, you will learn, Tiasal,” Aarindarius sighed, smiling fondly and reaching up to pluck the stuck girl from the tree. “You should not leave your uncle like that. Elan was worried sick about you.”

    Tiasal smiled sheepishly, ears twitching.

    Aarindarius lovingly pulled sticks from her hair, careful to not hurt her, and cradled her close. “You are an active young elf, aren’t you?” He brushed his lips lightly against her temple. “Well, you are only young once. Let us take you back to be cleaned up.”


    Her family hadn’t died.

    She ran her fingers along the walls, trying to find an exit. If she got out, then she could find her family and tell them where Xykon was. Her ears twitched wildly. She had no intention of staying here longer than she had to.

    She found a door—finally!—at the end of the hall and she pushed it open gratefully, only to regret it a moment later.

    A lich sat on one of two armchairs in front of a fire, staring into it with his skull propped up on a fisted phalange. Robes hung over his frame, wrapped tightly around nothing but bones, and a simple silver necklace with three black gems placed on it gleamed in the flickering light.

    Tiasal knew the significance of those gems.

    She knew who the lich was.

    The lich slowly looked up from the fire, red jewels fixed in his eye sockets glowing softly. “I didn’t think I’d see you so soon.”

    Tiasal froze up, swallowing hard and narrowing her eyes warily.

    “You’d think that that cleric freak would have more control over his servant kids.” The lich slowly stood up. “But Reddy and his whore always did have an annoying tendency to not do what they were told, so I guess that’s genetic.”

    The girl’s eyes remained narrowed and she slowly edged towards the door.

    “You’re funny when you’re scared.” The lich’s face didn’t move, but he seemed to be smirking. “If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead. Go on if you want. The cleric freak is probably going to get all angry if you don’t do whatever he tells those servant kids of his to do.” He made a small dismissive motion and sat back on his armchair, staring at the fire.

    …Now Tiasal was curious.

    The girl tentatively edged along the wall, her ears so tense that they quivered, her eyes staying narrow and sharp. She couldn’t move her gaze from the black sapphires flashing in the light. They looked so innocent. So irrelevant.

    Her parents were in there.

    “Didn’t your mother teach you that it was rude to stare?”

    The lich looked back up at the girl, mouth frozen in a grin. “Well, I guess not since I killed her and all. Still, you should have learned that by now.”

    Tiasal stayed silent.

    “If you’re going to stay here, at least sit down so I don’t have to twist to look at you.”

    The girl hesitated, unsure, then tentatively crept to the armchair adjacent to the lich, having to climb to sit down properly on the soft but worn red seat.

    “You’re quiet. Like, insanely quiet. Reddy talked a lot—I usually tuned him out because it was always about strategy or something equally nerdy—but that whore of his just never shut up.”

    Tiasal wasn’t sure how she should react to this. On one hand, she was getting a new and obviously candid perspective on her parents, but on the other hand, she still didn’t know how truthful this was and it was needlessly critical.

    Her ears twitched and she leaned forward a little.

    “Got your attention?” The lich leaned back, smirking at the fire, the gems in his eyes glowing and the sapphires at his neck flickering. “Personally, I think you should be happy that I’ve swept them up for you. Reddy isn’t exactly father material and his whore would’ve probably dumped you in the nearest trashcan faster than a teen mom on prom night.”

    She cocked her head, eyebrow raised skeptically.

    “Don’t believe me?” The lich let out a deep chuckle from inside its hollow ribcage. “I didn’t expect you to. You’ve probably been fed the same ‘they were perfect angels’ crap your whole life. What can you do? You haven’t met them. All you have is what everyone else says.”

    Tiasal shifted, eyes fixed on the lich’s face, gaze tracing the macabre crevices of the bare bone. The shadows from the fire threw them into sharp relief. Fear closed up the girl’s throat and tightened her chest, but curiosity and desire kept her rooted where she was.

    “They were total pricks. Both of them.” The lich leaned back a little further, his bones creaking with the movement. “The purple-haired whore? Snobby and arrogant as hell. She made a deal with fiends. Did anyone tell you that?”

    No. No one had.

    “Yeah. It was a deal for ultimate power.” Another weird hollow chuckle in the lich’s ribcage. “Didn’t work out so well for her. She thought she could beat me! Heh. I should have killed her, but of course, Reddy started pulling the ‘we need information on the gates!’ card and convinced me to keep her as a prisoner. You know, if I had killed her, she and Reddy would have never started their weird thing together.” The lich’s gem eyes slowly fixed on Tiasal. “And you would have never existed. Probably best for all involved.”

    Her ears twitched, trying to hide their drooping.

    “But I guess I’m not supposed to say that to half-breed bastards.” The lich looked back at the fire. “You were only born, what, a year and a couple months after those two met? They were enemies. The whore was to thin and power-hungry to deal with it. Reddy was all focused on the Plan for his god and had already picked his Plan over his family. You had two half-wit parents who didn’t love each other or you. The whore would have dumped you on someone’s doorstep and Reddy would have killed you for me just like he did with his brother.”

    Tiasal’s ears stilled. She stopped moving.

    “Oh, no one told you about that either? I guess they wouldn’t know.” The lich started to chuckle again. “Funny story. You see, Reddy and his brother, Right-Eye, were the ones who got me going on this whole ‘world domination’ shtick, and after a bit, Right-Eye figured that he preferred raising a family over helping Reddy out with this whole ‘equality for goblins’ thing. And he tried to kill me. Reddy loyalty to me was stronger than his love for his brother, so he killed him first.” The lich kept staring with red lights. “He would have done it to you too.”

    The girl was silent.

    The lich casually undid his necklace, holding it out and letting the firelight gleam against the gems. “Here. Try this on.”

    His phalanges were cold against her bare skin as he slowly slipped the chain around her neck. The jewelry was heavy on her chest, almost crushing it, and it felt like it was made of frost, making her start to shiver. She could feel tangible electricity from the stones. It hurt. There was loneliness, fear, regret, anger, and in the middle stone, there was peace and love and helplessness. The feelings were pulling at her, clawing and trying to convince her to give into release. Her head started getting dizzy. Her body started to tremble. Someone was reaching further and further…

    She sharply took the jewelry off. The lich cocked his head, obviously surprised, but there was a weird gleam in his eyes hinting at knowledge he wasn’t sharing. “That’s not the reaction I was expecting.”

    “It hurts. The stones hurt.”

    The lich’s head remained cocked, but he slowly took the necklace back. “They shouldn’t do that to you.” He shrugged, smirking a little as if he knew a secret that she didn’t, and put the necklace back on. The stones flashed in the light. “What’s your name?”

    Tiasal looked up at him blankly.

    “Don’t make me repeat myself.”

    The girl cocked her head, violet eyes fixed on red. “Tiasal.”

    “Heh. Elven. I’m surprised Reddy went with that.” The lich chuckled lowly. “You’re going to suffer your whole life if you leave this place. People will hate you, call you a rape-baby and a savage, because of the fact that your mom had pointy ears and your dad was green. And Reddy always hated anything that wasn’t pure goblin. A self-proclaimed speciesist. He convinced himself that he had made exceptions, but he never did. You could see it in the way he withdrew, the way he’d always be at home with goblins and all tense and combative around humanoids and anyone with a drop of humanoid blood in them. He hated me. He hated the Necromancer chick. He hated the elf.” The lich leaned back, his eyes glowing darkly, and somewhere in them, Tiasal could see the truth. “He’ll always hate you.”

    The little girl was very quiet.

    “Get to wherever you’re supposed to and do what the crazy cleric tells you to. I doubt you’ll want to be punished.”

    Tiasal stood up and scurried out of the room, wiping her eyes so no one would know that she was crying.


    Thoughts?

    Spoiler
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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  5. - Top - End - #935
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    ...Oh boy. This...This is not good. (Tiasel's situation, I mean. Your asking about the quality of your chapter is like my mom asking me how her chicken soup tastes. It's always awesome, so no need to ask!)

    ...But I'm so confused. Can you please explain this to me?

    Oh, and good luck with JV swimming! Did I mention that I'm on my high school swim team?
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-11-17 at 06:49 PM.

  6. - Top - End - #936
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    This might not be the best time to put in my story, as I don't want to take the spotlight from Water-Smurf's story (That was very good by the way, can't wait for the next one), but I realy wanted to do put this in...

    Here we go, my first story. if you like it or not, please post any suggestions you have. Oh, and since I'm taking a pole while I'm doing this, please write you favorite OOTS character when you post. thanks!

    Spoiler
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    The Brown-cloak leaned against the building wall, gazing on as the other hobgoblins gathered around one with a whip, laughing excitedly every time the leather cord struck a marching slave. The Brown-cloak knew what was coming, the chances growing with every whip crack. He hurriedly moved deeper into the shadows of the ruined blue building. He let out a sigh, as a green fletched arrow flew straight through the whip’s long strip. He heard the shouts of combat erupt out by the slave lines. He turned and looked into the broken shop window, “the fight could wait”, he thought bitterly, “I’ll probably just die anyway.”
    Inside the window stood some musical instruments, and …hey, a pile of money. The brown-cloak chuckled to himself. He loved easy money. As he reached for the coin, he noticed a paper slip sitting close by. He was no expert on common, but he read it as saying;
    Sorry I stole form you, the money is lying in the window, Elan
    The Brown-cloak didn’t know or care who this Elan character was, but he wanted his money. He pocketed the gold and turned to the battle. Most of his allies were dead. “Of course…” Again the Brown-cloak sighed. What fools the hobgoblin soldiers were. “Better go vaporize some rebels”, he mumbled to himself. As he walked from the shop he noticed…an abnormality. A red-haired Northern woman was shooting hobgoblin warriors with a bow and many green fletched arrows. If he had a longer attention span than hat of a simple beetle, he would have remembered the whip being shot with a said arrow, and you would have to have a good attack role to shoot that.
    If a hobgoblin thick facial skin allowed one to show more emotion than just Rage and indifference, it would have looked as though the Brown-cloaks mouth had just dropped in surprise. He stared at the red-haired woman, wobbling a little on his wide, clawed feet. He quickly shook his head to clear his thoughts, but it didn’t work. The grace, the agility of this woman was unbearable. Even as she killed his allies he couldn’t help but think…think? He stifled a giggle. Think about it! Him, a hobgoblin, and her… probably a high level adventurer. A laugh escaped his lips. Then another. Soon he was stumbling around, laughing his head off. The thought of that brief moment of lust was surprisingly funny.


    Haley shot down another hobbo warrior letting out a little eek of disgust as green blood drained from the arrow wound in his head. A close by soldier called out, “look, a Brown- cloak!” pointing at the laughing hobgoblin. “Better go kill the bugger,” Haley let out an exasperated sigh and notched another arrow.


    Wiping away tear streaked eyes from laughing so hard, the Brown-cloak rested his arms on his knees, breathing hard. He looked up to see the sexy human chick walking at him with her bow drawn and notched.
    “Oh crap!” he stammered, standing up and pulling a scroll from his belt. Right at that moment an arrow hit him straight in the arm. “Damn it!” he cursed and cast the scroll of false life he had been carrying, feeling the spells protective shield knit itself over his body. He pulled the arrow out, gasping at the sharp spike of pain that pulsed through his body as the sharpened tip came free. He grunted and used the clichéd line from the movies, “say hello to my little friend!” and cast his scorching ray spell at the red- haired woman. The spell missed by a mile, and as the Brown-cloak stared at his hand in amazement, three arrows pierced his head and chest, shattering his protective spell.
    As he lied on the ground dieing, he couldn’t help thinking how ironic this all was, as his first love was the person who killed him. He thought that was unfair. Then, he died.
    Last edited by Lawyergoblin; 2009-11-17 at 08:24 PM.

  7. - Top - End - #937
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    hehehe(sigh)...I shouldn't have sworn. Thanks Closak.
    Last edited by Lawyergoblin; 2009-11-17 at 08:26 PM.

  8. - Top - End - #938
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    Closak's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    The thing at the end need a /.

    Like this [ /spoiler ] without the spaces
    Last edited by Closak; 2009-11-17 at 04:53 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #939
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Is it odd that I prefer your spawnfic to your fanfic that created the spawn?
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
    Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  10. - Top - End - #940
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Thoughts?
    Children are creepy.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
    DeviantArt

  11. - Top - End - #941
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    frown Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Apologies for not being very active in here lately - I've fallen under Dragon Age's hypnotic spell and am trying very hard to make a Will save (if that's the correct term?). I promise I will try and get something done tomorrow, in terms of new scribblings or vote counting for the Squickies.

  12. - Top - End - #942
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Closak View Post
    *Flies in and steals all the cookies*

    *Eats the cookies*
    Um...I only made one batch of +5 epic yummy cookies, and Silverraptor ate them already. Closak, I think you just ate my crack* cookies experiment.

    *The legal kind.
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  13. - Top - End - #943
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    Apologies for not being very active in here lately - I've fallen under Dragon Age's hypnotic spell and am trying very hard to make a Will save (if that's the correct term?). I promise I will try and get something done tomorrow, in terms of new scribblings or vote counting for the Squickies.
    Oh, Masamune, may I suggest adding a new category to the Squickies? Specifically, the "Best Oneshot" award? (For a one-shot crack pairing that's over 300 words long.)

  14. - Top - End - #944
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Silverraptor's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Silverraptor View Post
    I... am back!

    *Does heroic pose*
    I though this deserved something more special. A picture I did when I got back from my summer camp job.

    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

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  15. - Top - End - #945
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Silver Rapter, the comics you wrote were vary funny. Are you going to keep writing them?

  16. - Top - End - #946
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Silverraptor's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Lawyergoblin View Post
    Silver Rapter, the comics you wrote were vary funny. Are you going to keep writing them?
    Yes, of course! I'm working on other things at the moment, but I definately am going to continue working on it. And if you really like it, can you guys please comment on the thread it's on. It inflates my ego and might get me to update more often.
    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

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  17. - Top - End - #947
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    That was the creepiest--and best--chapter yet, Water-Smurf. I was very afraid for Tiasel when she walked in on Xykon; I was ready for some sort of physical abuse. (Instead, she got emotion abuse.)

    And I hope the "swollen belly" on the other little girl didn't mean what I think it means.

  18. - Top - End - #948
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    I don't blame her though.
    Neither do I Zanaril, neither do I.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Seriously, Discord. Nobody can pull off QuiRKyee!!! pairings like you can. :D
    I don't understand what you mean.

    And I disagree. Until I'm able to use all the advice given to me to weave a plot where Vaarsuvius and Miko ever so slowly let go of their hatred to become more open to each other, then friends, then close friends, then lovers spanning across many chapters like what Water-Smurf has used us to, I won't consider myself good.

    Uh, didn't that thread merge with the House of Horrors thread a while ago?
    No, they always remained separate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyronea View Post
    And I hope the "swollen belly" on the other little girl didn't mean what I think it means.
    You don't know Water-Smurf very well, do you?
    Last edited by Dark Faun; 2009-11-18 at 05:24 AM.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  19. - Top - End - #949
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    The Odor's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    You say that like it's a bad thing.
    Most of my awwwwwwys ends in one partner cutting the other to bloody bits in a non PG 13 way. You tell me.

    My Awwwwys is creepier then my OHMYGODSMAKEITSTOPs
    Going to post more next week possibly.
    Nasty one Water smurf.
    Last edited by The Odor; 2009-11-18 at 07:11 AM.
    Evil. Iam diffrent. Have a problem with that...
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    Thanks To Dashwood for Spider avatar.
    Thanks To Mr Saturn for Goth Man avatar.

  20. - Top - End - #950
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    NinjaGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Um, I believe I just rolled the most epic pairing (hex-ing?) ever.

    The Snarl + (Gender-switched (Xykon's zombie dragon head + (Jephton/Haerta/Ganneron + Soon Kim (incorporeal))))

    American high school setting

    I... don't know where to begin. 6 characters, 5 of which are gender-switched. Though the fact that 4 of them aren't material kind of helps. Anyone want to try this one for me?

  21. - Top - End - #951
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    At long last, I give you the first part of the Squickies!

    Categories: The "Village Bike" and "Playa" awards

    Spoiler
    Show
    SCENE: A dimly lit hall, with several candle-lit tables scattered around. The entire cast of the Order of the Stick is gathered here, with a subtle yet recognisable line dividing the tables of Good and Evil characters. A stage with purple drapes occupies the front of the hall, upon which is a podium containing golden awards. Each award is shaped like the face of someone who deeply regrets reading the story they have foolishly clicked on.

    Announcer: Ladies,gentlemen and beings of all alignments and planes, welcome to the very first Order of The Stick Crack Pairing Awards! That's right folks, it's time we honoured the twisted minds that provided such quality entertainment to the GiTP community and therapists with a reliable source of income. And now to introduce our hosts for the evening, Julio Scoundrel and Sabine the Succubus!

    Julio and Sabine enter from opposite sides of the stage. Julio is wearing a very stylish tuxedo and a pirate's eyepatch. Sabine is wearing an extremely revealing dress with a plunging neckline deep enough to go through the floor.

    Julio: Thanks for the warm welcome! I see my companion is looking as lovely as ever. <winks>

    : Well, we were both chosen as being representative of our alignments sex appeal. Julio, with a girlfriend in every city....

    Julio: Village, town and city! <Team Good cheers in response to this>

    : ...and then there's myself, winner of Miss Lower Planes for four years running! <A huge cheer erupts from Team Evil and a sole female voice yelling “skank!” from Team Good>

    Julio: So without further ado, let's start the awards. They will be broken up into three categories; authors, artists and characters. Forum posts are now open to accept votes for your favourites, with the categories being available for your viewing pleasure here: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...&postcount=610

    : Our first award tonight is a Character award - “The Village Bike”. This much sought after trophy goes to the character that has starred in the most Crack Pairing stories and pictures. Cue the drumroll please....

    : Easier said than done with drumsticks three times longer than you.

    : And the winner is.....VAARSUVIUS!

    Vaarsuvius enters from the right hand side of the stage. His expression is that of extreme distaste and grumpiness.

    : This award fills me with embarassment and shame. I took precautions in the event of my being selected for this extremely dubious award and if you look in the brown envelopes provided on the tables, you will find a summarised version of my acceptance speech.

    Holding the award, V leaves the stage as the envelopes are opened.


    : Hey wait a minute – this is no acceptance speech. It's just a sheet of paper with the words “Explosive Runes”-

    A smug smile appears on V's face as a series of explosions echo through the hall.

    Julio: Nothing like a sore winner....

    Sabine turns to look at the corner of the stage – someone is beckoning to her.

    : Julio, sweetie, would you mind carrying on by yourself for a moment or two?

    Sabine leaves the stage.

    Julio: Umm, sure. Our next award is another Character category – the “Playa” award.

    : I'm sure I've warned you people about using that word in my presence.

    Julio: This award goes to a character that has managed to have a one-night stand with almost every single woman in the comic and treats them as little more than disposable pleasures. It gives me great pride to present the “Playa” award....

    : <growls>

    Julio: ...to the Oracle of Sunken Valley!

    Applause breaks out, followed by puzzled looks as the Oracle is nowhere to be seen.

    Julio: Where is he?

    Thumping sounds start coming from behind the stage followed by the sound of a woman's voice.

    :...Yes....Yess......gimme that scaly loving, you orange stallion!

    Julio: <facepalm> And that seems as good a time as any to take a commercial break – remember to drop your votes in for your favourite Crack stories and Pictures and we'll be back in 10 minutes.

    Oracle & : 20 minutes!

    …..


    I'm not sure how well the idea works in this format - may change it depending on feedback
    Last edited by The Succubus; 2009-11-18 at 03:06 PM.

  22. - Top - End - #952
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    At long last, I give you the first part of the Squickies!

    Categories: The "Village Bike" and "Playa" awards

    Spoiler
    Show
    SCENE: A dimly lit hall, with several candle-lit tables scattered around. The entire cast of the Order of the Stick is gathered here, with a subtle yet recognisable line dividing the tables of Good and Evil characters. A stage with purple drapes occupies the front of the hall, upon which is a podium containing golden awards. Each award is shaped like the face of someone who deeply regrets reading the story they have foolishly clicked on.

    Announcer: Ladies,gentlemen and beings of all alignments and planes, welcome to the very first Order of The Stick Crack Pairing Awards! That's right folks, it's time we honoured the twisted minds that provided such quality entertainment to the GiTP community and therapists with a reliable source of income. And now to introduce our hosts for the evening, Julio Scoundrel and Sabine the Succubus!

    Julio and Sabine enter from opposite sides of the stage. Julio is wearing a very stylish tuxedo and a pirate's eyepatch. Sabine is wearing an extremely revealing dress with a plunging neckline deep enough to go through the floor.

    Julio: Thanks for the warm welcome! I see my companion is looking as lovely as ever. <winks>

    : Well, we were both chosen as being representative of our alignments sex appeal. Julio, with a girlfriend in every city....

    Julio: Village, town and city! <Team Good cheers in response to this>

    : ...and then there's myself, winner of Miss Lower Planes for four years running! <A huge cheer erupts from Team Evil and a sole female voice yelling “skank!” from Team Good>

    Julio: So without further ado, let's start the awards. They will be broken up into three categories; authors, artists and characters. Forum posts are now open to accept votes for your favourites, with the categories being available for your viewing pleasure here: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...&postcount=610

    : Our first award tonight is a Character award - “The Village Bike”. This much sought after trophy goes to the character that has starred in the most Crack Pairing stories and pictures. Cue the drumroll please....

    : Easier said than done with drumsticks three times longer than you.

    : And the winner is.....VAARSUVIUS!

    Vaarsuvius enters from the right hand side of the stage. His expression is that of extreme distaste and grumpiness.

    : This award fills me with embarassment and shame. I took precautions in the event of my being selected for this extremely dubious award and if you look in the brown envelopes provided on the tables, you will find a summarised version of my acceptance speech.

    Holding the award, V leaves the stage as the envelopes are opened.


    : Hey wait a minute – this is no acceptance speech. It's just a sheet of paper with the words “Explosive Runes”-

    A smug smile appears on V's face as a series of explosions echo through the hall.

    Julio: Nothing like a sore winner....

    Sabine turns to look at the corner of the stage – someone is beckoning to her.

    : Julio, sweetie, would you mind carrying on by yourself for a moment or two?

    Sabine leaves the stage.

    Julio: Umm, sure. Our next award is another Character category – the “Playa” award.

    : I'm sure I've warned you people about using that word in my presence.

    Julio: This award goes to a character that has managed to have a one-night stand with almost every single woman in the comic and treats them as little more than disposable pleasures. It gives me great pride to present the “Playa” award....

    : <growls>

    Julio: ...to the Oracle of Sunken Valley!

    Applause breaks out, followed by puzzled looks as the Oracle is nowhere to be seen.

    Julio: Where is he?

    Thumping sounds start coming from behind the stage followed by the sound of a woman's voice.

    :...Yes....Yess......gimme that scaly loving, you orange stallion!

    Julio: <facepalm> And that seems as good a time as any to take a commercial break – remember to drop your votes in for your favourite Crack stories and Pictures and we'll be back in 10 minutes.

    Oracle & : 20 minutes!

    …..


    I'm not sure how well the idea works in this format - may change it depending on feedback
    I love the format. Although I have to say I would have expected more of a resonse at V getting that award.

    Wait, wait, wait. Why am I only finding out about this now? Ears has been boinking people left and right and all I've managed is mild harassment? Man, there's no justice in the world.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
    DeviantArt

  23. - Top - End - #953
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    That is HILARIOUS and works very well with the formatting. Nice work!

  24. - Top - End - #954
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I'm Back!!!

    GAAH! Too... many... pages... (actually I've been keeping up with the crack as I know how prolific everyone else is on here). No new stories of my own yet but give me time! Trying to catch up on my online comic reading, what was the name of one that has been mentioned here? "Key" something...
    Last edited by Taekwondodo; 2009-11-18 at 04:10 PM.
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  25. - Top - End - #955
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    Categories: The "Village Bike" and "Playa" awards

    Spoiler
    Show
    SCENE: A dimly lit hall, with several candle-lit tables scattered around. The entire cast of the Order of the Stick is gathered here, with a subtle yet recognisable line dividing the tables of Good and Evil characters. A stage with purple drapes occupies the front of the hall, upon which is a podium containing golden awards. Each award is shaped like the face of someone who deeply regrets reading the story they have foolishly clicked on.

    Announcer: Ladies,gentlemen and beings of all alignments and planes, welcome to the very first Order of The Stick Crack Pairing Awards! That's right folks, it's time we honoured the twisted minds that provided such quality entertainment to the GiTP community and therapists with a reliable source of income. And now to introduce our hosts for the evening, Julio Scoundrel and Sabine the Succubus!

    Julio and Sabine enter from opposite sides of the stage. Julio is wearing a very stylish tuxedo and a pirate's eyepatch. Sabine is wearing an extremely revealing dress with a plunging neckline deep enough to go through the floor.

    Julio: Thanks for the warm welcome! I see my companion is looking as lovely as ever. <winks>

    : Well, we were both chosen as being representative of our alignments sex appeal. Julio, with a girlfriend in every city....

    Julio: Village, town and city! <Team Good cheers in response to this>

    : ...and then there's myself, winner of Miss Lower Planes for four years running! <A huge cheer erupts from Team Evil and a sole female voice yelling “skank!” from Team Good>

    Julio: So without further ado, let's start the awards. They will be broken up into three categories; authors, artists and characters. Forum posts are now open to accept votes for your favourites, with the categories being available for your viewing pleasure here: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...&postcount=610

    : Our first award tonight is a Character award - “The Village Bike”. This much sought after trophy goes to the character that has starred in the most Crack Pairing stories and pictures. Cue the drumroll please....

    : Easier said than done with drumsticks three times longer than you.

    : And the winner is.....VAARSUVIUS!

    Vaarsuvius enters from the right hand side of the stage. His expression is that of extreme distaste and grumpiness.

    : This award fills me with embarassment and shame. I took precautions in the event of my being selected for this extremely dubious award and if you look in the brown envelopes provided on the tables, you will find a summarised version of my acceptance speech.

    Holding the award, V leaves the stage as the envelopes are opened.


    : Hey wait a minute – this is no acceptance speech. It's just a sheet of paper with the words “Explosive Runes”-

    A smug smile appears on V's face as a series of explosions echo through the hall.

    Julio: Nothing like a sore winner....

    Sabine turns to look at the corner of the stage – someone is beckoning to her.

    : Julio, sweetie, would you mind carrying on by yourself for a moment or two?

    Sabine leaves the stage.

    Julio: Umm, sure. Our next award is another Character category – the “Playa” award.

    : I'm sure I've warned you people about using that word in my presence.

    Julio: This award goes to a character that has managed to have a one-night stand with almost every single woman in the comic and treats them as little more than disposable pleasures. It gives me great pride to present the “Playa” award....

    : <growls>

    Julio: ...to the Oracle of Sunken Valley!

    Applause breaks out, followed by puzzled looks as the Oracle is nowhere to be seen.

    Julio: Where is he?

    Thumping sounds start coming from behind the stage followed by the sound of a woman's voice.

    :...Yes....Yess......gimme that scaly loving, you orange stallion!

    Julio: <facepalm> And that seems as good a time as any to take a commercial break – remember to drop your votes in for your favourite Crack stories and Pictures and we'll be back in 10 minutes.

    Oracle & : 20 minutes!

    …..


    I'm not sure how well the idea works in this format - may change it depending on feedback
    I love it!!! The formating works great. Its hilarious!
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  26. - Top - End - #956
    Banned
     
    Closak's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    At long last, I give you the first part of the Squickies!

    Categories: The "Village Bike" and "Playa" awards

    Spoiler
    Show
    SCENE: A dimly lit hall, with several candle-lit tables scattered around. The entire cast of the Order of the Stick is gathered here, with a subtle yet recognisable line dividing the tables of Good and Evil characters. A stage with purple drapes occupies the front of the hall, upon which is a podium containing golden awards. Each award is shaped like the face of someone who deeply regrets reading the story they have foolishly clicked on.

    Announcer: Ladies,gentlemen and beings of all alignments and planes, welcome to the very first Order of The Stick Crack Pairing Awards! That's right folks, it's time we honoured the twisted minds that provided such quality entertainment to the GiTP community and therapists with a reliable source of income. And now to introduce our hosts for the evening, Julio Scoundrel and Sabine the Succubus!

    Julio and Sabine enter from opposite sides of the stage. Julio is wearing a very stylish tuxedo and a pirate's eyepatch. Sabine is wearing an extremely revealing dress with a plunging neckline deep enough to go through the floor.

    Julio: Thanks for the warm welcome! I see my companion is looking as lovely as ever. <winks>

    : Well, we were both chosen as being representative of our alignments sex appeal. Julio, with a girlfriend in every city....

    Julio: Village, town and city! <Team Good cheers in response to this>

    : ...and then there's myself, winner of Miss Lower Planes for four years running! <A huge cheer erupts from Team Evil and a sole female voice yelling “skank!” from Team Good>

    Julio: So without further ado, let's start the awards. They will be broken up into three categories; authors, artists and characters. Forum posts are now open to accept votes for your favourites, with the categories being available for your viewing pleasure here: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...&postcount=610

    : Our first award tonight is a Character award - “The Village Bike”. This much sought after trophy goes to the character that has starred in the most Crack Pairing stories and pictures. Cue the drumroll please....

    : Easier said than done with drumsticks three times longer than you.

    : And the winner is.....VAARSUVIUS!

    Vaarsuvius enters from the right hand side of the stage. His expression is that of extreme distaste and grumpiness.

    : This award fills me with embarassment and shame. I took precautions in the event of my being selected for this extremely dubious award and if you look in the brown envelopes provided on the tables, you will find a summarised version of my acceptance speech.

    Holding the award, V leaves the stage as the envelopes are opened.


    : Hey wait a minute – this is no acceptance speech. It's just a sheet of paper with the words “Explosive Runes”-

    A smug smile appears on V's face as a series of explosions echo through the hall.

    Julio: Nothing like a sore winner....

    Sabine turns to look at the corner of the stage – someone is beckoning to her.

    : Julio, sweetie, would you mind carrying on by yourself for a moment or two?

    Sabine leaves the stage.

    Julio: Umm, sure. Our next award is another Character category – the “Playa” award.

    : I'm sure I've warned you people about using that word in my presence.

    Julio: This award goes to a character that has managed to have a one-night stand with almost every single woman in the comic and treats them as little more than disposable pleasures. It gives me great pride to present the “Playa” award....

    : <growls>

    Julio: ...to the Oracle of Sunken Valley!

    Applause breaks out, followed by puzzled looks as the Oracle is nowhere to be seen.

    Julio: Where is he?

    Thumping sounds start coming from behind the stage followed by the sound of a woman's voice.

    :...Yes....Yess......gimme that scaly loving, you orange stallion!

    Julio: <facepalm> And that seems as good a time as any to take a commercial break – remember to drop your votes in for your favourite Crack stories and Pictures and we'll be back in 10 minutes.

    Oracle & : 20 minutes!

    …..


    I'm not sure how well the idea works in this format - may change it depending on feedback
    I see a disturbing lack of ABD there.


    I sense a disturbance in the crack, as if a thousand fangirls and fanboys scremed out in horror, and were suddenly silenced.

  27. - Top - End - #957
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Shouldn't there be a Funniest Story award in addition to Most Romantic and Most Disturbing? Most of the authors here seem to put much humor in their writing.

    Someone also suggested Best Oneshot, and it seems to be a good idea since there's nothing between 300 words story and mini-series in the awards.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  28. - Top - End - #958
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    England

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Just a quick question; what would have happened to Haley's story arc if V had been trapped in Azure City after the war? What difference would having a level 14-ish wizard there have made?
    This post may contain sarcasm.
    DeviantArt

  29. - Top - End - #959
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Just a quick question; what would have happened to Haley's story arc if V had been trapped in Azure City after the war? What difference would having a level 14-ish wizard there have made?
    Purely technically, V would have been able to contact Durkon immediately. The Cloister prevents incoming spells, not outgoing ones.

    But really, it depends on the circumstances. Just imagine the massive amounts of Haley!Angst and V!Whompage if V'd gotten captured by Xykon in that battle. Probably would have made a more convincing reason for Haley to stay in Azure City too, other than just sitting around.
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
    My old OotS fanart
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  30. - Top - End - #960
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Haley angst. :D

    There are many possibilities. Tsukiko may have been killed because V and Haley teaming up against her. Xykon may have decided to kill V as soon as he learned there was a wizard around as he hates wizards...
    Last edited by Dark Faun; 2009-11-19 at 12:40 PM.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

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