Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template

[licoot]

This is Tira-chan's entry for the April Squickie Award

Spoiler

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There was a strange scent on the wind, the cat noticed. Not that of another cat but fascinating nonetheless. There was a strange tugging within his chest; it was almost as if she was calling to him, searching for him, pulling him closer. There were traces of flowers and warm earth mixed in that powerful, feminine scent... Flowers, warm earth, and chocolate.

***

Holidays had never been much fun at the Greenhilt household. Eugene would barricade himself in the laboratory, Sarah would cry off in her room, Julia would through an almighty tantrum because no one was paying attention to her, and Roy would be stuck dealing with it. Easter was the worst - it had been only a few weeks before then when they had lost his brother, and he always associated it with a feeling of loss, not joy. So perhaps that was why, when Elan woke up the entire party, far early than anyone else had planned on getting up, with his joyous shout of "It's EASTER!", Roy decided to pull a blanket over his head and go back to sleep.

It was a few hours later when someone else pulled back the flimsy door to the tent. Roy blinked unsteadily in the sudden light. "Whassron'," he mumbled, trying to cover his eyes unsuccessfully.

"There's something kind of... weird... out here," replied Haley uncertainly.

"Get Durkon to handle it," Roy said, hoping she would leave, so he could go back to sleep.

"He went off for some big prayer service, but that's not the point. Look, it's... really hard to describe. If I tried explaining it, you'd think it was some sort of practical joke or something. Heck, I've seen it, and I'm not even sure it's real."

"Alright, I'm coming. Happy now?" Roy stood up a bit unsteadily, fumbling for his sword.

"Yeah, but... you might want to put some clothes on first."

When Roy finally joined them, he had to agree with Haley's opinion. The sight was just too weird to possibly be real. It was obviously a rabbit of some kind, that was at least obvious, but most rabbits Roy had seen didn't stand on their hind feet. Or wear bows. Or carry baskets of foil-wrapped chocolate eggs.

"Do we know what this is?" he asked the group aloud.

Vaarsuvius shook hir head. "My divinations would indicate that it is some sort of magical animal, not an illusion or construct, but any further results are not forthcoming. I have not been able to determine the animal's exact nature or abilities, or even whether it presents any sort of threat to our company."

The rabbit twitched its nose.

"It's the Easter Bunny!" exclaimed Elan, grinning foolishly. "Look, she's got a ribbon and Easter eggs, and she smells like chocolate!"

The fifth member of the party finally arrived; it seemed Haley had not tried quite so hard to rouse him. Belkar's cloak was missing, and he held a rather displeased Mr. Scruffy in his arms. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, his face lighting up at the thought of violence. "Breakfast?"

"No! You can't hurt the Easter bunny."

"What the hell is an Easter bunny anywa-"

A strange yowling had broken off as Mr. Scruffy jumped out of Belkar's arms and onto the rabbit. Haley covered Elan's eyes, but the cat did not attack the rabbit. Instead they were... Haley made extra sure Elan couldn't see.

"Well," said Roy after a few seconds. "That is probably the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Maybe we should give them some... privacy."

"That would be a good idea," replied Haley fervently. She grabbed Elan tightly by the arm, and they all returned to their camp, eyes carefully averted.

"Yeah, Mr. Scruffy," murmured Belkar. "You go get her."

A little longer than what you wanted, probably, but I just had to write it.

That was hilarious!

[Lix Lorn]

Agreed. XD Awesome.

[Debatra]

HAH! Nice one, Tira.

Hey, is there still an open judge spot?

[Draconi Redfir]

Ummm, not to discourage but we're looking for relatively short stories for the Squickies rather than sagas.

its not a saga, just a kinda long short story.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Here's my Boots/Sclera (Boot-Wight/Goblin Ghast) pairing!

(Yeah, it's short. )

Spoiler

Show

"What do you mean, 'I can't give you full rations?!'" Sclera screamed.

"I'm sorry, Little One," Tsukiko said, "But I'm running low on supplies and we need to last the entire journey."

"Then give me a prostitute or something! I NEED MORTAL FLESH!"

"I asked Redcloak, and he said it would cause too much of a commotion! We'll have to make do with what we have."

"..." Sclera groaned to himself and walked away.

Sclera sat on a mesa in the desert, staring at the setting sun. He frowned to himself as he leafed through a tattered ornithology handbook. Odd...Did he read this when he was alive? Did he remember any of it? Guh, this was confusing and made his head hurt...

Sclera was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Boots walking over to him. "...Oh. Hey, Boots," he said. Boots was always quite nice to him; he was the one who showed him around and even helped him get through the first few days of bloodlust. "How's it going? ...What are you eating?"

Boots looked up from the pack of potato chips he was munching. "...Yeah. Funny, isn't it? Sometimes I get this craving for chips, and not even with blood or anything! Just chips. Wonder if Alive-Me used to like them or something. Eh." Boots finished with a nonchalant shrug. He then fished around in his pocket for something, then handed a slimy, squishy-looking object to Sclera. "I...I got this for you," he said, in an oddly sheepish manner.

Sclera lit up. "Ooh! Gallbladder, my favorite! Thanks Boots!" he said, eagerly devouring the organ. Boots sat down next to Sclera and waited for him to finish.

Sclera peered into the distance and pointed at a black object suspended in the air. "...I think that's a raven. Odd. You don't usually see ravens in the desert."

"Sclera, do you think we should tell Mistress Tsukiko about it?"

"...Maybe. But for now, do you want to enjoy the night air with me?"

If Boots were still able to blush, he would have. "...Okay."

Unknown to Boots and Sclera, Tsukiko was watching the two of them from behind a large boulder. She squealed to herself in delight. "Eeee! They grow up so fast!"

...Uh...Thoughts?

[Tira-chan]

Here's my Boots/Sclera (Boot-Wight/Goblin Ghast) pairing!

(Yeah, it's short. )

Spoiler

Show

"What do you mean, 'I can't give you full rations?!'" Sclera screamed.

"I'm sorry, Little One," Tsukiko said, "But I'm running low on supplies and we need to last the entire journey."

"Then give me a prostitute or something! I NEED MORTAL FLESH!"

"I asked Redcloak, and he said it would cause too much of a commotion! We'll have to make do with what we have."

"..." Sclera groaned to himself and walked away.

Sclera sat on a mesa in the desert, staring at the setting sun. He frowned to himself as he leafed through a tattered ornithology handbook. Odd...Did he read this when he was alive? Did he remember any of it? Guh, this was confusing and made his head hurt...

Sclera was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Boots walking over to him. "...Oh. Hey, Boots," he said. Boots was always quite nice to him; he was the one who showed him around and even helped him get through the first few days of bloodlust. "How's it going? ...What are you eating?"

Boots looked up from the pack of potato chips he was munching. "...Yeah. Funny, isn't it? Sometimes I get this craving for chips, and not even with blood or anything! Just chips. Wonder if Alive-Me used to like them or something. Eh." Boots finished with a nonchalant shrug. He then fished around in his pocket for something, then handed a slimy, squishy-looking object to Sclera. "I...I got this for you," he said, in an oddly sheepish manner.

Sclera lit up. "Ooh! Gallbladder, my favorite! Thanks Boots!" he said, eagerly devouring the organ. Boots sat down next to Sclera and waited for him to finish.

Sclera peered into the distance and pointed at a black object suspended in the air. "...I think that's a raven. Odd. You don't usually see ravens in the desert."

"Sclera, do you think we should tell Mistress Tsukiko about it?"

"...Maybe. But for now, do you want to enjoy the night air with me?"

If Boots were still able to blush, he would have. "...Okay."

Unknown to Boots and Sclera, Tsukiko was watching the two of them from behind a large boulder. She squealed to herself in delight. "Eeee! They grow up so fast!"

...Uh...Thoughts?

That is disturbingly cute.

[Debatra]

Here's my Boots/Sclera (Boot-Wight/Goblin Ghast) pairing!

(Yeah, it's short. )

Spoiler

Show

"What do you mean, 'I can't give you full rations?!'" Sclera screamed.

"I'm sorry, Little One," Tsukiko said, "But I'm running low on supplies and we need to last the entire journey."

"Then give me a prostitute or something! I NEED MORTAL FLESH!"

"I asked Redcloak, and he said it would cause too much of a commotion! We'll have to make do with what we have."

"..." Sclera groaned to himself and walked away.

Sclera sat on a mesa in the desert, staring at the setting sun. He frowned to himself as he leafed through a tattered ornithology handbook. Odd...Did he read this when he was alive? Did he remember any of it? Guh, this was confusing and made his head hurt...

Sclera was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Boots walking over to him. "...Oh. Hey, Boots," he said. Boots was always quite nice to him; he was the one who showed him around and even helped him get through the first few days of bloodlust. "How's it going? ...What are you eating?"

Boots looked up from the pack of potato chips he was munching. "...Yeah. Funny, isn't it? Sometimes I get this craving for chips, and not even with blood or anything! Just chips. Wonder if Alive-Me used to like them or something. Eh." Boots finished with a nonchalant shrug. He then fished around in his pocket for something, then handed a slimy, squishy-looking object to Sclera. "I...I got this for you," he said, in an oddly sheepish manner.

Sclera lit up. "Ooh! Gallbladder, my favorite! Thanks Boots!" he said, eagerly devouring the organ. Boots sat down next to Sclera and waited for him to finish.

Sclera peered into the distance and pointed at a black object suspended in the air. "...I think that's a raven. Odd. You don't usually see ravens in the desert."

"Sclera, do you think we should tell Mistress Tsukiko about it?"

"...Maybe. But for now, do you want to enjoy the night air with me?"

If Boots were still able to blush, he would have. "...Okay."

Unknown to Boots and Sclera, Tsukiko was watching the two of them from behind a large boulder. She squealed to herself in delight. "Eeee! They grow up so fast!"

...Uh...Thoughts?

AAAAAAaaaaawwwwwwww.

[Draconi Redfir]

strange how dead things can be so adorible

[CoffeeIncluded]

Thanks, guys!

So delightfully creepy and adorable! And since this was intended for Roland, I couldn't exactly write smut, you know?

[Sereg]

I really enjoyed those, Coffee and Tira-chan.

By the way, what's the closing date for new entries for the squickies?

[Draconi Redfir]

i probibly wont be able to finish my squickie tomorrow, so hope i get around to it on wensday, looks like this might be a week of writeing for me.

[Lix Lorn]

DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW <3
Good luck, Gicko!

[Debatra]

I'll likely be finished with a Belkar/Vaarsuvius(non-squikie entry) oneshot within the next few days.

[The Succubus]

Closing date for the April Squickie is Friday the 23rd April. This gives me and the other judges a few days to procrastinate before announcing the winner the following week on the 30th. Granted, we could probably do it within the space of an afternoon but I feel its important to make these worthless hacks dedicated hard working writers sweat a bit.

[Taekwondodo]

Very squiky Tira-Chan, well done!

@Coffee: d'aaaaaaaw. They do indeed grow up so fast...

[licoot]

I'm just wondering if the third judge for the squikey awards has been taken

[icastflare!]

hey guys. was gone for a couple days. i was taking a break to get away from all this and I discovered yesterday one of my close relatives is dead. its gonna be a week minimum before i get anything up. so ya, just gonna say that right now before any one asks.

[Lix Lorn]

As much as we'll miss your pairings, take as long as you need. (Hugs)

[Lycan 01]

hey guys. was gone for a couple days. i was taking a break to get away from all this and I discovered yesterday one of my close relatives is dead. its gonna be a week minimum before i get anything up. so ya, just gonna say that right now before any one asks.

*comforting hug*

Take care, man.



@ Coffee: Good fic. Although now I'm curious about why there were ravens in the desert.

[Zanaril]

@ Coffee: Good fic. Although now I'm curious about why there were ravens in the desert.

Raven. Singular.

[Draconi Redfir]

@ Coffee: Good fic. Although now I'm curious about why there were ravens in the desert.

t'was V's famillier donycha know?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Oh man, sorry to hear that, Flare. *Hugs*

That's no ordinary raven. It's Blackwing.

[Water-Smurf]

To be honest, that might make all the difference.

Would it? I've never had a child (unless I'm much more screwed up than I thought), so I probably don't understand, but Soon is a very stoic and unemotional man. That's what attracts Mijung to Yutrin in the first place.

Would it be so much as "aaaaaawwwwwwkwaaaaaard......"? I don't see Mijung as the type who would try to claw the eyes out of her romantic rival, even one who was pregnant with her husband's...

...Or would she?

Oh, and This is Water-Smurf's entry for the April Squickie Award.

Spoiler

Show

BOOM!

“Tiasal, I told you not to use magic to decorate the egg.”

The other teenagers around the table jumped in surprise, nearly dropping or messing up their eggs, but they recovered and looked down to see Tiasal sheepishly holding a broken egg, her green face streaked with blues, pinks, reds, and oranges. “…Oops.”

Redcloak looked up from the book he was reading on the couch, putting it down and going to his daughter, trying to stifle an amused smile. “Maybe you’ll start listening to me more often. Come on, I’ll help you clean up and get you a new egg.”

Octavius started to laugh while Terentius rolled his eyes and returned to carefully dipping the eggs in dye. Abram watched Redcloak interact with Tiasal with curious fascination—even after the past few years, he still found his cousin’s father to be a novelty. The goblin had been a little nervous and uncomfortable at first, but when he realized that the young man’s interest was purely inquisitive and in no way a sign of prejudice, he had gotten used to it.

“I told you that your meds makes your focus fuzzy. You shouldn’t try to do delicate things with magic when you can’t focus,” Redcloak chided gently, letting his daughter go on a stepping stool in front of the sink and helping her wash the yolk and the color off her hands and face.

“Yeah, Tia. You might just blow the table up next!” Octavius shot, still laughing.

Tiasal pouted, letting her father gently scrub her skin clean.

“Why are we doing this again, Stepparent?” Terentius asked, tips of his ears going slightly pink while he concentrated resolutely on the egg in his hand.

Redcloak’s hands jerked slightly in surprise, but that was the only acknowledgment the tiny show of budding affection got. “It’s a goblin tradition. I think that some humans do it too.” He finished washing the girl’s face and he gently dried it off. “Your Parent suggested that I show Tiasal the holiday and thought that it would be a good idea for you all to be introduced to a little bit of goblin culture.”

Tiasal squirmed, eager to get back to decorating the eggs, and Redcloak smiled, letting her go. “No more using magic, Tia.”

“Yes, Daddy!”

She grinned and scampered to the table, settling back in her seat and grabbing another egg.

“But why eggs?”

“Consider it a celebration of the harvest.”

Redcloak sat down at the round table, turning his head slightly to make up for his lost eye. Vaarsuvius always insisted that he could regenerate it any time he liked now that he didn’t work for Xykon anymore, but he always resisted.

He needed a reminder to keep his priorities straight.

Octavius seem to withdraw, frowning and hunching over his egg to avoid looking at Redcloak, while Terentius turned his body a little so he could face his stepfather and Abram just listened while he turned his face down to concentrate on his egg.

“None of the goblin tribes live on fertile land, so we depend on animals for food—usually animals we hunt, since we can barely feed ourselves, let alone livestock, but there are a couple exceptions, chickens being one of them. Hence the eggs.”

Tiasal carefully used a paintbrush to put purple stars on her blue egg.

“Why this time of year, then?” Terentius asked, dipping an egg in yellow dye and staining his chocolate-colored fingers.

“It’s spring. It’s the time where things start growing again, even what little grows in the goblin lands.” Redcloak smiled a little, glancing out the window wistfully. “It’s around now where the wild fruits start growing and the famine and pestilence eases, so to celebrate, the kids get to decorate the eggs and the adults hide them to find. It’s only during the spring where using food like that doesn’t lead to hunger.”

“So… does that mean we’re going to be hiding these?”

Redcloak nodded, smiling a little. “That’s how the game goes.”

“Did you do this as a kid?” Tiasal asked, swinging her legs gently over the edge of her chair and working diligently on her egg.

“Of course.” Redcloak watched to make sure that she wasn’t going to try using magic again. “I used to play it with my brothers and sister. We used to find eggs then leave them there so we could let our little sister win. It was always fun to compare how many eggs we actually found together and see who won. Once or twice, Little Sister won even without help.”

“It’s true. She was a lot more clever than we gave her credit for.”

Tiasal looked up at her uncle sitting on the counter, then smiled, cheerful that she was starting to get used to her medication. She had been worried that it would block her ability to see Uncle forever. He gave her a cheerful wink, pressing his finger to his lips. “Big Brother doesn’t know I’m here.”

She smiled secretly and turned back to her egg, putting it down carefully to dry and picking up another one.

“Don’t try that. I want to win fair.”

Abram smirked, putting bands of color across his egg. “You know these woods and the valley better than any of us, Tia. We’d have to team up to be any match.”

“Try.” Her grin was downright Puckish.

“Do not be so competitive, young ones.”

Everyone looked up to see Vaarsuvius coming in, lightly touching her children’s shoulders as she walked past. “There will be time for that when Tiasal is older.”

“So you decided to finally grace us with your presence?” Redcloak smiled playfully, gently grasping his wife’s hand and kissing it. “I swear, you spend so much time with your study, I start thinking that you’re sneaking someone in.”

“You are one to talk. Perhaps you are meeting another woman during your visits to Gobbotopia?” Vaarsuvius smiled, then leaned down and kissed her husband’s cheek. “I shall leave you to your affair if you leave me to mine.”

Octavius scowled darkly, concentrating on his egg, and Terentius averted his eyes and started mixing more dye. Tiasal noticed.

Vaarsuvius looked up at her sons and took a breath to speak.

BOOM!

“Tia! I said to not use magic!”

Abram grinned, sensing the bubbling tension dissipate as both Terentius and Octavius burst out laughing this time. Vaarsuvius stared bemusedly at the little girl, arching an eyebrow at the cartoonish ash on Tiasal’s face streaked with color.

Despite her misfortune, Tiasal was smiling.

Abram was the only one who knew why it looked self-satisfied. Well, the only living one.

Uncle covered his mouth, stifling chuckles, and smiled. “You’re a lot more clever than your brothers give you credit for too, by the way.”

Redcloak got up again, sighing in exasperation but smirking in amusement. “Come on, Tia. I’ll get you cleaned up again.”

She stood up, purple eyes sparkling, and skipped to the sink in the wake of her brothers’ bubbly laughter.

This was a cute fluff-ball I spun out. Normally I would scrap it, but I figured that, despite the fact it's hugely short for my style, it fit the guidelines alright so I'm just pushing it out. I'm not sure what to call it--suggestions?

[Lix Lorn]

I Prepared Explosive Eggs?
(Namefail) XD

[CoffeeIncluded]

Yay! Fluffy! *Pets*

I really need to think of something, and fast. Does it have to be only Easter? It might help with the inspiration if I could choose otherwise.

[The Succubus]

A Crack Pairing with an Easter flavour to it.

[CoffeeIncluded]

A Crack Pairing with an Easter flavour to it.

But I don't celebrate Easter...And I've got a funny idea with Elan and Belkar and the Passover dietary restrictions...

[The Succubus]

But I don't celebrate Easter...And I've got a funny idea with Elan and Belkar and the Passover dietary restrictions...

My first test as a member of the judging panel. This kind of puts me in an awkward position. Do I:

1) Say "Ok, go for it" and open the floodgates for everyone to start saying "but I can't do/won't do the theme in question, can I do something slightly different?" and the question of favouritism rears its ugly head.

2) Say "No, I can't allow it" and start losing potential entries and demoralising people that would provide otherwise great stories, not to mention the whole tricky subject of religious bias/discrimination?

As it's one in the morning here, I'll send a PM to the other judge (the third post I'm still thinking about but it needs to be someone with an excellent grasp of English and previous experience of writing crack pairings) and will get back to you tomorrow evening.

[Lawyergoblin]

I have an announcement to make. I am leaving this thread. Likely for good, but I will probably pop in at some time. I wish I could stay, but I really must be going. I asked for guidance from my god on this action, and I have made a decision. I remember it all fondly.

...

I hope to get an FF.net account.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I have an announcement to make. I am leaving this thread. Likely for good, but I will probably pop in at some time. I wish I could stay, but I really must be going. I asked for guidance from my god on this action, and I have made a decision. I remember it all fondly.

...

I hope to get an FF.net account.

What? Why?!


.........................Good-bye.