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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    dascarletm's Avatar

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    Default Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    I'm pretty sure it has been done before but.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Flickerdart View Post
    Then not feeling bad for the beggar must be Neutral.


    An Ravid and a Nightstalker are trying to find a bar. "Are you sure we're going the right way?" asks the Nightstalker. The Ravid says, "I'm positive."
    Quote Originally Posted by dascarletm View Post
    A Mindflayer, a Drider, and a Wyrmling Red Dragon walk into a Tavern.
    They are immediately slain since this is where all the murder-hobos are.
    or....
    A wizard, a fighter, a rogue, and a cleric walk into a bar.
    The campaign begins.
    Quote Originally Posted by Andezzar View Post
    A Balor, a Succubus and a Flamebrother Salamander walk into a bar. "Man, that must have hurt!" says the Salamander.
    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDaBarr View Post
    I think we should start a DnD joke thread
    Dascarletm, Spinner of Rudiplorked Tales, and Purveyor of Puns
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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Cyclops sends a love letter, "I've got my eye on you."
    Quote Originally Posted by Mark Hall View Post
    There's a reason why we bap your nose, not crucify you, for thread necromancy.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Malimar's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    The one I share every time this topic comes up, from Lore Sjöberg:
    A fifth-level paladin drives his car to the repair shop.

    He gets out and says to the mechanic "It's really weird. Normally I fight for justice and righteousness, but every time I get in this car I have this incredible urge to run over old ladies, drive way past the speed limit, and pick up hitchhiking demons. Can you help me?"

    The mechanic looks the car over and says "Yeah, I see what the problem is. Your alignment's off."

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    why did i just chuckle at that....

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    Colossus in the Playground
     
    Segev's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    I actually did this to a party.

    They landed in Limbo (the plane), and found themselves in an arid, sand-desert terrain. A little red Slaad with a pointy hat reacted to their presence by hiding. When they found her, she used her Sandshaper powers to try to drive them off. "Go away!" "Don't give away my hiding place!" "eep!" were common lines.

    Eventually, they moved on and decided to just leave the chicken slaad sand witch alone.

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Why did the fey cross the road?
    To get to the other sidhe.

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    hamishspence's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    What do D&D characters wear when they go golfing?

    +4s.
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  8. - Top - End - #8
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    RedSorcererGirl

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    Post Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by gorfnab View Post
    Why did the fey cross the road?
    To get to the other sidhe.
    Unfortunately, "sidhe" is pronounced "shee": http://www.giantitp.com/forums/shows...0&postcount=10

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    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    How many adventurers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Spoiler
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    All of them. NEVER split the party!
    In the Beginning Was the Word, and the Word Was Suck: A Guide to Truenamers

    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Roc View Post
    Gentlefolk, learn from Zaq's example, and his suffering. Remember, seven out of eleven players who use truenamer lose their ability to taste ice cream.
    My compiled Iron Chef stuff!

    ~ Gay all day, queer all year ~

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Chimera

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    A gnome bard, a halfling rogue, and a half-orc fighter are captured by bandits and brought into the woods for execution. The bandit leader calls the gnome up to the firing squad. "Any last words?" "Nope" replies the gnome. "Alright. 3...2...1..." "EARTHQUAKE!" the gnome yells. Succeeding his bluff check, the bandits turn and look in fear, and the bard runs away. Next up is the halfling. As the squad is about to shoot, he yells "TORNADO!" He also succeeds, and the bandits turn around and he runs away. The half-orc fighter has seen them do this, and gets an idea of how to escape. "Any last words?" "No." "3...2...1..." As the bandit says one, the fighter yells "FIRE!"

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruiser1 View Post
    Unfortunately, "sidhe" is pronounced "shee": http://www.giantitp.com/forums/shows...0&postcount=10
    Which is the reason its a bad joke. It really sort of works if the one listening to the joke actually knows how to spell sidhe.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    That lich has no nose!
    How does he smell?
    He stinks!

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    NinjaGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    One day in Sharn, a farmer and his son are walking around.

    They watch as a grizzled old half Orc woman gets onto a lift. The lift travels to the very top of the tower and comes back down. To the farmers surprise, the half orc is gone and replaced by a beautiful, golden-haired elf woman.

    The farmer grabs his son by the shoulders and says "get your mother."
    To the Hilt -- An Eberron Campaign Journal

    83% of DMs are good at math. If you're one of the 29% that isn't, copy and paste this into your signature.

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    NinjaGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Also, what do you call a Medium Aberration that is an amorphous blob with the ability to drive you insane with its constant gibbering?

    My MOTHER IN LAW
    To the Hilt -- An Eberron Campaign Journal

    83% of DMs are good at math. If you're one of the 29% that isn't, copy and paste this into your signature.

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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfClericGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    What do you call a gnome diviner/necromancer who's on the run from the authorities?

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    A small medium at large!

  16. - Top - End - #16
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    What pre-rolled character does the crappy lawyer play? 'Dis bard.

    A prince decides to become a druid. Where does he buy his books? Bears & Nobles.

    What do you call a durable set of wizard robes? Can't rips.

    A crappy cleric is just like a poorly trained dog. Neither knows how to do anything but heal.

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Propagandalf's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    That lightbulb one was hilarious.

    These are from a set of badges of "x's do it z" and unfortunately I can't remember all of them. Do pipe up you know more of these.

    Rogues do it from behind.
    Paladins do it for your own good.
    Cavaliers do it on horse back.
    Elves have done it for centuries.
    Druids do it in the forest.

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    Fight of course.
    "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BlueKnightGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by Propagandalf View Post
    That lightbulb one was hilarious.

    These are from a set of badges of "x's do it z" and unfortunately I can't remember all of them. Do pipe up you know more of these.

    Rogues do it from behind.
    Paladins do it for your own good.
    Cavaliers do it on horse back.
    Elves have done it for centuries.
    Druids do it in the forest.

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    Fight of course.
    Barbarians do it angrily.
    Bards do it while singing.
    Clerics do it divinely.
    Fighters do it with lots of technique.
    Monks do it with their bare hands.
    Rangers do it with both hands.
    Wizards do it by the book.
    Sorcerors look good doing it.
    Scouts do it on the run.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by ghanjrho View Post
    Barbarians do it angrily.
    Bards do it while singing.
    Clerics do it divinely.
    Fighters do it with lots of technique.
    Monks do it with their bare hands.
    Rangers do it with both hands.
    Wizards do it by the book.
    Sorcerors look good doing it.
    Scouts do it on the run.
    Commoners do it badly.
    Ninjas do it acrobatically.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mark Hall View Post
    There's a reason why we bap your nose, not crucify you, for thread necromancy.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Troll in the Playground
     
    gooddragon1's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by atemu1234 View Post
    Commoners do it badly.
    Ninjas do it acrobatically.
    Truenamers talk about doing it.

    EDIT: I'm so sorry.
    Last edited by gooddragon1; 2015-01-30 at 08:57 AM.
    There is no emotion more useless in life than hate.

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    Halfling in the Playground
     
    SamuraiGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    I actually laughed. You don't have to.

    Warlocks can do it all day, but repetively.
    Binders invite other people to help doing it.
    Last edited by nerghull; 2015-01-30 at 09:30 AM.

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    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by gooddragon1 View Post
    Truenamers talk about doing it.

    EDIT: I'm so sorry.
    Truenames talk about doing it, but the DC is too high!
    Spoiler: How to fix T1 classes:
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    There are more posts on the forums about how to nerf T1, than there are posts about T1 characters ruining games. I would say the problem is solved!


    Quote Originally Posted by Red Fel View Post
    This? This isn't a slice of brilliance. This is the whole freaking pie.

    When you play the game of pwns, you're either w1n or n00b. There is no middle ground.

  23. - Top - End - #23
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Why are adventurers always welcome in towns?
    Because they're a wandering party.

    What monster can you bring on board ships and planes?
    A carry-on crawler.

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    IZ42's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Oracles do it spontaneously.
    Alchemists do it with potions.
    Inquisitors do it with heretics.
    Magi do it two ways.
    Spoiler: Quotes!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elricaltovilla View Post
    I always thought understanding Scottish required a fort save vs. Alcohol poisoning.
    Quote Originally Posted by Twelve.five
    Hipsterdin- Smiting Heathens before it was cool.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elricaltovilla
    See, this wouldn't happen if you were a Zweihander Sentinel Warder with Silver Crane. You'd have a 60 ft. fly speed with good maneuverability, DR and glowing pants as early as level 8.

    Pink is Neutral Evil, because reasons.


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    Snowbluff's Avatar

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zaq View Post
    How many adventurers does it take to change a light bulb?

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    All of them. NEVER split the party!
    I'm going to remember this next time someone tries to split the party.
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    All gaming systems should be terribly flawed and exploitable if you want everyone to be happy with them. This allows for a wide variety of power levels for games for different levels of players.
    I dub this the Snowbluff Axiom.

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by Snowbluff View Post
    I'm going to remember this next time someone tries to split the party.
    I usually just play the song.
    Rudisplorker of the faith, true Rudisplorker
    Quote Originally Posted by Cazero View Post
    Because Pun-pun was on the road to ultimate power first, and he hates your guts.
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  27. - Top - End - #27
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by torrasque666 View Post
    I usually just play the song.
    Which song is that?

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    Quote Originally Posted by Rebel7284 View Post
    Which song is that?
    dis one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waa2ucfgVgQ
    Rudisplorker of the faith, true Rudisplorker
    Quote Originally Posted by Cazero View Post
    Because Pun-pun was on the road to ultimate power first, and he hates your guts.
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    I'm a template!

    And an artifact!

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    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    So a four man party consisting of a cleric, fighter, wizard, and rogue was out adventuring one day and the cleric gets killed.

    With no one else to ressurect their friend, the cleric's spirit gets sent to whatever afterlife awaits him.

    So the party gets a replacement, another cleric who is mostly the same but with a different name and a few other tiny differences.

    That guy gets killed, so the party has to get another cleric yet again.

    And then he dies off, forcing the party to get another new healer.

    Strangely, they don't question why each and every new face is so similar to the friends they lost much earlier. People think they might all be from the same family.

    Spoiler
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    A little joke about the tendancy of parties to have their "builds" planned out and having niches setup to make each member irreplaceable. As a result, when someone dies and can't be revived, he doesn't really die.
    Last edited by Almarck; 2015-01-30 at 01:06 PM.
    I possess the Addicted to Editing flaw. I have edit my posts 3 seconds after posting them for 10 minutes.

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    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

    An old classic:

    Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
    Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
    Human: What?
    Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres...
    Human: ...shut up.
    Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
    Human: I said shut up!
    Elf: ...
    Dwarf: ...
    Human: ...
    Elf: Centaurs...
    Time travels in divers paces with divers persons.
    As You Like It, III:ii:328

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