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  1. - Top - End - #361
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick



    **grabs cricket bat and bike helmet, hides under something large and heavy**
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-06 at 04:00 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  2. - Top - End - #362
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    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post


    **grabs cricket bat and bike helmet, hides under something large and heavy**
    *grabs trusty 5+ Hockey Stick of Thwacking*

    Don't worry, I'll help fend him off.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-06 at 04:06 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  3. - Top - End - #363
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    An OotS forum crossover with the OotS verse could be awesome. And beyond squicky.

    Yeah, you just opened a massive can of worms.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
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    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  4. - Top - End - #364
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Don't worry, I'll help fend him off.

    Thank you!

    ETA: @Sstoopidtallkid -- OMG, yes. Somehow though, I think all the cracksters would end up beaten, shot, stabbed, cleaved, blasted, hammer-squished and evil-smited into a fine paste by the characters within the first five minutes.

    Elan would probably like us, though.
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-06 at 04:24 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

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  5. - Top - End - #365
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Sstoopidtallkid View Post
    An OotS forum crossover with the OotS verse could be awesome. And beyond squicky.

    Yeah, you just opened a massive can of worms.
    Someone on the first thread shipped themselves with Dracula.

    More potentially mind shattering would be writing crossovers between fics, with duplicates of characters. Although that could get a bit too meta.

    #1 You're... I'm PREGNANT??!

    #2 It's complicated.

    #1 But I'm male!

    Suvie, dear, what's all the shouting about?

    #2 ... oh dear elven gods

    #1 I... she's pregnant!

    #2 Oh wonderful! So am I!

    #1 & #2
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-06 at 04:46 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  6. - Top - End - #366
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Closak x ABD.

    Oh hell yeah baby.

    Why are you looking at me like that?

  7. - Top - End - #367
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Uhm...Would Belkar spare me if I showed him that I save cats' lives on a regular basis?

  8. - Top - End - #368
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Uhm...Would Belkar spare me if I showed him that I save cats' lives on a regular basis?
    He'd ask Mr. Scruffy.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  9. - Top - End - #369
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    *shivers* Dear God, never listen to the theme for 'Requiem for a Dream' in the dark when you're all alone. I think everyone involved in my story have just gained hellish levels of horror in their future.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    That said, if I had to choose between them V/RC would win, no question.
    Why? (Personally, I see more potential for long-term chemistry between V and Reddy, but that's just me.)

    And here's the next chapter. I'm not sure about it's quality (it's hard to edit your work when you feel like your brain's a cotton ball), but I hope you enjoy it. ^.^

    Spoiler
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    “Whoa!”

    Redcloak and Vaarsuvius both jerked awake at the voice, looking up and letting out twin yelps, both trying to conceal their bodies. Tsukiko stared in shock, then promptly devolved into laughter. “By the twelve gods! We haven’t been here for a day and you two are already banging each other?! Jeeze, I didn’t know you were so horny, Reddy. Keep it in your pants once in a while.”

    Both lovers scowled at her while they grabbed their clothes, covering themselves as best they could. “Avert your eyes.”

    Tsukiko let out a cackling laugh, ignoring the pointed command and looking both of them up and down. “Nice, Reddy. So she’s a girl after all.”

    Vaarsuvius looked up and glared fiercely, raising one hand. “Blindness.”

    “Hey!” Tsukiko backed up a step, waving her hands in front of her newly filmed-over eyes. “No fair!”

    “Perfectly fair, Tsukiko.” Redcloak shot Vaarsuvius an amused smile, stealing a quick silent kiss while the unwelcome Theurge still couldn’t see them. Vaarsuvius smiled, quickly putting on discarded undergarments. Their time to be intimate together was over, but they were still with each other.

    “You’d better not get it on while I can’t watch!”

    Redcloak rolled his eye, pulling on his pants and shirt. “You know, there are some situations where you’re not supposed to keep talking.”

    “Like when you’re nailing your whore?”

    Something weird happened among the conflicting parts of Redcloak’s personality. The suspicious third in his mind lashed out, demanding that he protect his mate, knocking the person and scientist to the ground and out of their bored daze. The goblin stiffened in surprise, trying to rein in the new voice. “She is not a whore.”

    Vaarsuvius glanced at him, eyebrow arched. Redcloak shrugged, averting his gaze. The elf touched his shoulder, an odd amount of understanding in violet eyes, and kissed him softly again.

    “Yeah, yeah, sure. The girl who’ll blow whoever can keep her out of a torture chamber is totally not a whore.”

    Redcloak tensed up, the third voice, the instinct, roaring for the blind Theurge’s blood. Vaarsuvius stroked his shoulder, kissing his cheek, forcing the fierce hostility to drain. The elf frowned in concern, putting loose hair into a ponytail, slipping on a red robe and picking the goblin’s cloak from the ground, giving it to him quietly.

    The goblin smoothed his expression, taking his cloak and putting it on, doing up the clasp.

    “Are you guys dressed yet?! I don’t like being blind!”

    Redcloak entertained the idea of letting Tsukiko stay under Vaarsuvius’s spell, but he knew that she was useful for him and Xykon. He touched the Theurge’s shoulder lightly, murmuring the needed spell under his breath.

    Tsukiko’s mismatched eyes lost the magical film, making her pull away and shake her head. “Alright, Casanova. Are we going to gut your whore or what?”

    The goblin instinctively wrapped his arms around the elf, bringing Vaarsuvius close and a growl rumbling in his chest. Redcloak caught himself, frowning in confusion, and loosened his grip, forcing the growl to recede. “We don’t need to kill her.”

    Tsukiko raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. “We need to get you some goblin woman. Seriously. Why shouldn’t we slit her throat then turn her into a zombie? I mean, you can still get your rocks off if she’s dead.”

    Both Redcloak and Vaarsuvius jerked in disgust, the growl in the goblin’s chest returning threefold. The elf subtly stroked the goblin’s hand, calming him down before he slashed the Theurge’s face.

    The scientist shoved against the instinct, standing up and shouting that this was not normal. The person jumped up, emphatically adding agreement. He was more controlled than this. It was harder to get him angry. And this weird need to make sure that Vaarsuvius was completely and utterly safe and unharmed was not usual. He had already had the desire, but he used to be able to control it. Vaarsuvius was fully-grown, capable of defending herself, and his enemy. He had been able to keep a lid on his wanting for the elf’s safety before. Why was it so out of hand now?

    Vaarsuvius snapped Redcloak out of that line of thought with a skeptical roll of the eyes towards Tsukiko. “It would be in your best interest to keep me alive. This is a dangerous area. The dungeon itself is trying to drive us insane or kill us, whichever is first. The more company provided, the better chance anyone of us has of retaining reason. In that way, I am helpful. If either of you attempt to kill me, I am perfectly content in reminding you that I am not a weakened prisoner any longer and that I have prepared all my spells. You both, working together, would undoubtedly be able to overwhelm me and perhaps even kill me, but I would put up enough of a struggle to damage you. Of course, before Redcloak could heal himself or heal you, the dungeon would take advantage of your weakness and somehow separate and destroy you both.” The elf crossed thin arms. “So you would be unwise to try to kill me.”

    Tsukiko didn’t seem to be listening too closely. She frowned, her mismatched eyes narrowing in concentration, and her head cocked. “Are you glowing?”

    The elf blinked in surprise. “Has this place driven you mad already?”

    “You’re glowing.”

    “I am not preparing to use magic, so I do not see why.” Vaarsuvius’s ears twitched in irritation. Redcloak, calm now that there seemed to be no immediate danger (which was odd, considering the fact that Tsukiko usually jumped at the chance of killing someone, but he wasn’t one to look the gift horse in the mouth), shrugged and gestured for them to start moving, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

    “Tsukiko, you’re imagining things. If we want to meet up with anyone else, our team or Vaarsuvius’s, we’ll need to try to get somewhere.”

    Tsukiko kept frowning in thought, even after the elf brushed past her to follow Redcloak. The Theurge turned around to start after them, then her eyes widened with realization.

    After a moment, she broke out laughing. “By the twelve gods! This is so rich! You’ve got the glow!”

    Both Vaarsuvius and Redcloak glanced back at her, twin expressions of annoyance painted over their faces. “Tsukiko, if you’re insane, then it’d be best to tell me.”

    “Don’t trouble your little green head over it, Reddy.” Tsukiko tittered, practically prancing after them. “It’s a girl thing.”

    Vaarsuvius awkwardly edged away from Tsukiko, sticking close to Redcloak. Their hands brushed briefly before both drew away, staying at a safe distance to keep Tsukiko’s giggles and taunts to a minimum, but staying close enough so that each knew the other was there. If the illusions came back, they were still together.

    It was safe for now.

    ---

    Haley looked around, licking her dry lips, tasting the faint trace of blood on them. She didn’t know what was going on. Was the dungeon screwing with her head again? Was this real? Had she gone nuts?

    Old houses made out of stone and dried clay protruding out of the ground itself surrounded her, empty windows looking more and more like mournfully gaping mouths and eyes. The sky was devoid of moon or stars. Sand from the surrounding desert blew gently through, but there was no heat. It was freezing cold.

    Haley shook, her breath visible in a small cloud of mist, and she rubbed her arms, walking down the empty street. The darkness seemed almost tangible, something silky that she could run her fingers through and fall into, dropping into oblivion until her entire being was unraveled into one long strand of thread.

    She rubbed her arms harder and tried to concentrate on what was in front of her. Maybe Elan or Vaarsuvius would be nearby. Maybe—

    Someone slammed their hand over her mouth and dragged her into the darkness.

    ---

    “Aarindarius, you know that I’d do anything for you, but you’re asking me to go into sealed records.”

    Aarindarius didn’t allow his frustration to show. He kept his arms crossed and his expression patient, something more likely to get the nervous, mouse-like elf in front of him at ease. “Aelius, I fear that this is my old apprentice that I am asking about. You know what Vaarsuvius means to me.”

    Aelius awkwardly shifted in his seat behind a desk over-stacked with boxes labeled with elven runes, pink hair stacked on his head, orange eyes nervously glancing away. “I know. Anyone who caught so much as a glance of you and that kid knows. But our ways of finding people to serve or summon are closed. We can’t give out where anyone is freely.”

    Aarindarius ran a hand through lavender hair, still doing his best to keep his frustration inside. “Then do you know who I can speak to who can tell me more?”

    “I can’t give you names!” Aelius stood up, glancing around nervously and trying to usher the wizard out. “Listen, I know that the kid meant a lot to you, but I’m sure she’ll turn up eventually. People come back to Ivyleaf. They get attached.”

    “Not Vaarsuvius.” Aarindarius spun around, refusing to be pushed out. “If I do not find her, I doubt she will ever return.” He took the other elf’s cold hands tightly in his own. “Aelius, you have three daughters. What would you do if you thought they were in danger?”

    The other elf yelped softly, shifting. “Danger?” The oddest distressed warble came from the back of his throat, reflecting his mood.

    “Yes.”

    Aelius squirmed, looking away, until he twisted out of Aarindarius’s grip. “I… I can give you the place we found her. And a couple of names of people who can tell you something about what she’s been doing during the past year. We don’t know anything about the five years before that.” He started rummaging in the boxes that lined the walls, pulling out one labeled ‘V-Z’ and pulling off the top. “She made a bit of a splash in Azure City! I can tell you where the refugees from the battle settled. I think she traveled with them for a bit. I hope you have better luck in getting something out of their new lord, because he was pretty tight-lipped with us. His name is Lord Hinjo.”

    The elf pulled up a thin file with elven runes running all along the border, handing it over to the wizard. “Good luck with finding her, Aarindarius. I know you love her.” He nervously pulled at a strand of his hair. “And be careful. The man we sent to serve her with divorce papers is still in the hospital with two clerics working on him.”

    Aarindarius paled, swallowing and taking the file slowly. A more observant elf would see that his hands were shaking. “Thank you, Aelius. I know how dangerous this is for you.” He turned away. “And I hope that I do not need to be careful.”

    Then he was gone.

    ---

    Something carefully walked along the branches, navigating past the ropes keeping up the hanged bodies, cradling a bundle wrapped in blankets in the crook of its right arm.

    Under the branches, the world began to change.

    The scent of blood rose with the temperature. The one in the shadows looked down to see two familiar people, hugging each other and trembling, the sand under their feet sticky and red with blood. One’s mouth opened, then shut, then opened again, trying to speak even though that ability had been ripped away.

    The one in the shadows sat down on the branch, swinging its legs back and forth, cradling its bundle gently in its arms. It sang in a soft, cooing voice to the bundle, running its fingers over the surface.

    One of the people put their palms together, trembling, begging without words. Desolation surrounded them. Nothing but wasteland, each other, and the creature in the shadows.

    The creature held up one hand and the sound of screams rose up from around them.

    The creature’s lips turned up in a smile.


    What do you think?

    Spoiler
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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  10. - Top - End - #370
    Orc in the Playground
     
    NinjaGuy

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    Question Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Hey, i was wondering, I saw a long time ago, a banner that actually switched between several pictures when you reloaded the page. What happened to it? Can someone give me the link?
    Quote Originally Posted by BenjCano View Post
    Why do babies get to go to heaven?

  11. - Top - End - #371
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I is confused at the last part...

    But good chapter.

    (Heehee, the glow)

  12. - Top - End - #372
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Why? (Personally, I see more potential for long-term chemistry between V and Reddy, but that's just me.)
    That's pretty much my reason as well. Belkar... is Belkar. Any attraction to V is unlikely to be because he cares for V, and I doubt his ability to keep a relationship going for any longer that it takes him to find something else to do. Even if he is actually capable of caring for someone, V has no reason to believe that. There's just no possibility of them trusting each other, or at least not of V trusting Belkar.

    So VxBelkar is fine for exploring how their little conflict game could develop, but it wouldn't last.

    What do you think?
    I think Aandy is awesome and want to read more. And that V's secret isn't going to remain so for much longer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ninja View Post
    Hey, i was wondering, I saw a long time ago, a banner that actually switched between several pictures when you reloaded the page. What happened to it? Can someone give me the link?
    The problem with that banner is it stops working because it gets too many views, at least where it was hosted before.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-06 at 05:18 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  13. - Top - End - #373
    Orc in the Playground
     
    NinjaGuy

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    frown Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    The problem with that banner is it stops working because it gets too many views, at least where it was hoasted before.
    And it can't be fixed?
    Quote Originally Posted by BenjCano View Post
    Why do babies get to go to heaven?

  14. - Top - End - #374
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Ninja View Post
    And it can't be fixed?
    I dunno. You could always look around for a better way to randomise images.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  15. - Top - End - #375
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    OK, got some time off studying again, and need an inspiration. Anyone got one?
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  16. - Top - End - #376
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Whoa!”

    Redcloak and Vaarsuvius both jerked awake at the voice, looking up and letting out twin yelps, both trying to conceal their bodies. Tsukiko stared in shock, then promptly devolved into laughter. “By the twelve gods! We haven’t been here for a day and you two are already banging each other?! Jeeze, I didn’t know you were so horny, Reddy. Keep it in your pants once in a while.”

    Both lovers scowled at her while they grabbed their clothes, covering themselves as best they could. “Avert your eyes.”

    Tsukiko let out a cackling laugh, ignoring the pointed command and looking both of them up and down. “Nice, Reddy. So she’s a girl after all.”

    Vaarsuvius looked up and glared fiercely, raising one hand. “Blindness.”

    “Hey!” Tsukiko backed up a step, waving her hands in front of her newly filmed-over eyes. “No fair!”

    “Perfectly fair, Tsukiko.” Redcloak shot Vaarsuvius an amused smile, stealing a quick silent kiss while the unwelcome Theurge still couldn’t see them. Vaarsuvius smiled, quickly putting on discarded undergarments. Their time to be intimate together was over, but they were still with each other.

    “You’d better not get it on while I can’t watch!”

    Redcloak rolled his eye, pulling on his pants and shirt. “You know, there are some situations where you’re not supposed to keep talking.”

    “Like when you’re nailing your whore?”

    Something weird happened among the conflicting parts of Redcloak’s personality. The suspicious third in his mind lashed out, demanding that he protect his mate, knocking the person and scientist to the ground and out of their bored daze. The goblin stiffened in surprise, trying to rein in the new voice. “She is not a whore.”

    Vaarsuvius glanced at him, eyebrow arched. Redcloak shrugged, averting his gaze. The elf touched his shoulder, an odd amount of understanding in violet eyes, and kissed him softly again.

    “Yeah, yeah, sure. The girl who’ll blow whoever can keep her out of a torture chamber is totally not a whore.”

    Redcloak tensed up, the third voice, the instinct, roaring for the blind Theurge’s blood. Vaarsuvius stroked his shoulder, kissing his cheek, forcing the fierce hostility to drain. The elf frowned in concern, putting loose hair into a ponytail, slipping on a red robe and picking the goblin’s cloak from the ground, giving it to him quietly.

    The goblin smoothed his expression, taking his cloak and putting it on, doing up the clasp.

    “Are you guys dressed yet?! I don’t like being blind!”

    Redcloak entertained the idea of letting Tsukiko stay under Vaarsuvius’s spell, but he knew that she was useful for him and Xykon. He touched the Theurge’s shoulder lightly, murmuring the needed spell under his breath.

    Tsukiko’s mismatched eyes lost the magical film, making her pull away and shake her head. “Alright, Casanova. Are we going to gut your whore or what?”

    The goblin instinctively wrapped his arms around the elf, bringing Vaarsuvius close and a growl rumbling in his chest. Redcloak caught himself, frowning in confusion, and loosened his grip, forcing the growl to recede. “We don’t need to kill her.”

    Tsukiko raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. “We need to get you some goblin woman. Seriously. Why shouldn’t we slit her throat then turn her into a zombie? I mean, you can still get your rocks off if she’s dead.”

    Both Redcloak and Vaarsuvius jerked in disgust, the growl in the goblin’s chest returning threefold. The elf subtly stroked the goblin’s hand, calming him down before he slashed the Theurge’s face.

    The scientist shoved against the instinct, standing up and shouting that this was not normal. The person jumped up, emphatically adding agreement. He was more controlled than this. It was harder to get him angry. And this weird need to make sure that Vaarsuvius was completely and utterly safe and unharmed was not usual. He had already had the desire, but he used to be able to control it. Vaarsuvius was fully-grown, capable of defending herself, and his enemy. He had been able to keep a lid on his wanting for the elf’s safety before. Why was it so out of hand now?

    Vaarsuvius snapped Redcloak out of that line of thought with a skeptical roll of the eyes towards Tsukiko. “It would be in your best interest to keep me alive. This is a dangerous area. The dungeon itself is trying to drive us insane or kill us, whichever is first. The more company provided, the better chance anyone of us has of retaining reason. In that way, I am helpful. If either of you attempt to kill me, I am perfectly content in reminding you that I am not a weakened prisoner any longer and that I have prepared all my spells. You both, working together, would undoubtedly be able to overwhelm me and perhaps even kill me, but I would put up enough of a struggle to damage you. Of course, before Redcloak could heal himself or heal you, the dungeon would take advantage of your weakness and somehow separate and destroy you both.” The elf crossed thin arms. “So you would be unwise to try to kill me.”

    Tsukiko didn’t seem to be listening too closely. She frowned, her mismatched eyes narrowing in concentration, and her head cocked. “Are you glowing?”

    The elf blinked in surprise. “Has this place driven you mad already?”

    “You’re glowing.”

    “I am not preparing to use magic, so I do not see why.” Vaarsuvius’s ears twitched in irritation. Redcloak, calm now that there seemed to be no immediate danger (which was odd, considering the fact that Tsukiko usually jumped at the chance of killing someone, but he wasn’t one to look the gift horse in the mouth), shrugged and gestured for them to start moving, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

    “Tsukiko, you’re imagining things. If we want to meet up with anyone else, our team or Vaarsuvius’s, we’ll need to try to get somewhere.”

    Tsukiko kept frowning in thought, even after the elf brushed past her to follow Redcloak. The Theurge turned around to start after them, then her eyes widened with realization.

    After a moment, she broke out laughing. “By the twelve gods! This is so rich! You’ve got the glow!”

    Both Vaarsuvius and Redcloak glanced back at her, twin expressions of annoyance painted over their faces. “Tsukiko, if you’re insane, then it’d be best to tell me.”

    “Don’t trouble your little green head over it, Reddy.” Tsukiko tittered, practically prancing after them. “It’s a girl thing.”

    Vaarsuvius awkwardly edged away from Tsukiko, sticking close to Redcloak. Their hands brushed briefly before both drew away, staying at a safe distance to keep Tsukiko’s giggles and taunts to a minimum, but staying close enough so that each knew the other was there. If the illusions came back, they were still together.

    It was safe for now.

    ---

    Haley looked around, licking her dry lips, tasting the faint trace of blood on them. She didn’t know what was going on. Was the dungeon screwing with her head again? Was this real? Had she gone nuts?

    Old houses made out of stone and dried clay protruding out of the ground itself surrounded her, empty windows looking more and more like mournfully gaping mouths and eyes. The sky was devoid of moon or stars. Sand from the surrounding desert blew gently through, but there was no heat. It was freezing cold.

    Haley shook, her breath visible in a small cloud of mist, and she rubbed her arms, walking down the empty street. The darkness seemed almost tangible, something silky that she could run her fingers through and fall into, dropping into oblivion until her entire being was unraveled into one long strand of thread.

    She rubbed her arms harder and tried to concentrate on what was in front of her. Maybe Elan or Vaarsuvius would be nearby. Maybe—

    Someone slammed their hand over her mouth and dragged her into the darkness.

    ---

    “Aarindarius, you know that I’d do anything for you, but you’re asking me to go into sealed records.”

    Aarindarius didn’t allow his frustration to show. He kept his arms crossed and his expression patient, something more likely to get the nervous, mouse-like elf in front of him at ease. “Aelius, I fear that this is my old apprentice that I am asking about. You know what Vaarsuvius means to me.”

    Aelius awkwardly shifted in his seat behind a desk over-stacked with boxes labeled with elven runes, pink hair stacked on his head, orange eyes nervously glancing away. “I know. Anyone who caught so much as a glance of you and that kid knows. But our ways of finding people to serve or summon are closed. We can’t give out where anyone is freely.”

    Aarindarius ran a hand through lavender hair, still doing his best to keep his frustration inside. “Then do you know who I can speak to who can tell me more?”

    “I can’t give you names!” Aelius stood up, glancing around nervously and trying to usher the wizard out. “Listen, I know that the kid meant a lot to you, but I’m sure she’ll turn up eventually. People come back to Ivyleaf. They get attached.”

    “Not Vaarsuvius.” Aarindarius spun around, refusing to be pushed out. “If I do not find her, I doubt she will ever return.” He took the other elf’s cold hands tightly in his own. “Aelius, you have three daughters. What would you do if you thought they were in danger?”

    The other elf yelped softly, shifting. “Danger?” The oddest distressed warble came from the back of his throat, reflecting his mood.

    “Yes.”

    Aelius squirmed, looking away, until he twisted out of Aarindarius’s grip. “I… I can give you the place we found her. And a couple of names of people who can tell you something about what she’s been doing during the past year. We don’t know anything about the five years before that.” He started rummaging in the boxes that lined the walls, pulling out one labeled ‘V-Z’ and pulling off the top. “She made a bit of a splash in Azure City! I can tell you where the refugees from the battle settled. I think she traveled with them for a bit. I hope you have better luck in getting something out of their new lord, because he was pretty tight-lipped with us. His name is Lord Hinjo.”

    The elf pulled up a thin file with elven runes running all along the border, handing it over to the wizard. “Good luck with finding her, Aarindarius. I know you love her.” He nervously pulled at a strand of his hair. “And be careful. The man we sent to serve her with divorce papers is still in the hospital with two clerics working on him.”

    Aarindarius paled, swallowing and taking the file slowly. A more observant elf would see that his hands were shaking. “Thank you, Aelius. I know how dangerous this is for you.” He turned away. “And I hope that I do not need to be careful.”

    Then he was gone.

    ---

    Something carefully walked along the branches, navigating past the ropes keeping up the hanged bodies, cradling a bundle wrapped in blankets in the crook of its right arm.

    Under the branches, the world began to change.

    The scent of blood rose with the temperature. The one in the shadows looked down to see two familiar people, hugging each other and trembling, the sand under their feet sticky and red with blood. One’s mouth opened, then shut, then opened again, trying to speak even though that ability had been ripped away.

    The one in the shadows sat down on the branch, swinging its legs back and forth, cradling its bundle gently in its arms. It sang in a soft, cooing voice to the bundle, running its fingers over the surface.

    One of the people put their palms together, trembling, begging without words. Desolation surrounded them. Nothing but wasteland, each other, and the creature in the shadows.

    The creature held up one hand and the sound of screams rose up from around them.

    The creature’s lips turned up in a smile.


    What do you think?
    Hehe. "It's a girl thing." Y'know, I was thinking it would be Xykon to be the first to figure out V's situation. I'm not sure why, as he is male and about 40 years dead. My mind works in mysterious ways.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  17. - Top - End - #377
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post

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    ‘Essentially, that the human mind is adapted to deal only with the input provided by the human senses. Without wishing to be rude, I must state that my own eyes, ears and senses of smell, touch and taste are significantly more sensitive than those of any human. Thus, I surmise that Miss Starshine is currently being exposed to a level of sensory stimulation with which the human brain was not intended to cope. I am told that the experience, until one’s mind becomes accustomed to the extra stimulus, is not dissimilar to the effects of a powerful psychedelic hallucinogen’.

    *Every* sensation is sharpened....?

    /starts grinning

    EDIT: Smurf, always a delight to see yet another chapter added to the greatest love story ever told on these forums, and that includes stuff written by The Giant.
    Last edited by The Succubus; 2009-11-06 at 06:40 PM.

  18. - Top - End - #378
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    Water-Smurf, uh, you really are too kind... *basks in the praise like the Vaarsuvius-sympathising megalomaniac she is*

    *reads*

    Holy...

    Well, huh. THAT certainly isn't good. Not good at all. There are only a few things worse than Tsukiko being the first to find out, and most of the worse things are things that will directly result from Tsukiko finding out. I can already tell the Order will be finding out the absolute worst way, for sure.

    And things are certainly getting suspenseful, what with the shadowy figure and Haley and everything...

    V/Belkar! :D :D :D They need more fanfiction/art. Speaking of which, I really should get moving on my editing of my next V/B fic...
    Ed... editing???! You mean it's practically finished and ready to be shared?

    I coloured the one pic of Aandy. Sort of. :D

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    I coloured the one of Miko and V as well. ^^

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    I even made a sig! :D My very first one, yay! XD



    I know it kind of breaks the stick figure style of the other signatures, but looking at it just keeps cracking me up due to how manga-ish it seems, so I figured I'd share it... XD

    Also, I'd appreciate it if people didn't link the images in their replies, since I have about a zillion of those and the bandwidth really adds up... ^^;
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-11-07 at 09:03 AM.
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  19. - Top - End - #379
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    Wow! I actually really like the way you write Tsukiko, Water-Smurf. The image of what would happen if she actually tried to talk 'girl talk' with V is going to stay with me for weeks...

    As promised, V/Belkar spawnfic. It's not cracky at all, so I don't know how suitable it is for this thread, but it does talk about the *aftereffects* of a crack pairing, and it's based on a pretty damn weird idea

    I hope no-one minds, but I named V and Kyrie's kids for an earlier fic that I was working on and abandoned, so I've reused the names here.

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    ‘BAWWWWWW! PAAAAARENT!’

    Inkyrius looks up from the mixing bowl, one eyebrow quirked in concern at the sudden disruption. ‘Imtaviel?’ Ze carefully puts down the spoon and crosses the kitchen, scooping up the small howling child in hir arms. ‘What is wrong, Little One?’

    ‘WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’ The child is only able to howl inconsolably, and so Kyrie spends a few minutes gently bouncing hir and stroking the bright orange hair, murmuring soft incomprensibilities. Kyrie loves hir adopted youngest every bit as fiercely as ze does hir other two children, but even ze must admit it: what an odd-looking hodge-podge of a child. At nineteen, Tavi is small and chubby, short for an elfling of hir age and likely to stay that way even as hir age-mates grow up around her. Bright fiery red hair, pale skin, a galaxy of most un-elven freckles scattered across the blunt little nose. Right ear round and stubby, left ear proudly pointed high, right foot broad and thickly furred, left foot small and delicately pointed. But hir eyes – ah, Tavi’s eyes are the most beautiful clear, deep, dark amethyst, and when ze looks up at Kyrie with that irresistible expression of love and trust, the elf knows that it’s the closest ze will ever be to seeing Suvie’s face again.

    ‘Now, Little One. Why are you crying?’

    Tavi chokes back a sniffle. ‘It was Luci an’ Vashti. They were weedin’ the garden, like you said, an’ I wanted to help but they said I’m too little, and, and I said I’d tell an’ they said... sniff... they said I’ll always be too little an’ I’m not a proper elf, an’ I... WAHHHHH!’.

    Kyrie’s normally serene face turns thunderous and ze stalks to the back door.

    ‘CHILDREN!’

    Lucien and Vashtarius, a pair of, lean, rangy forty-five-year-olds, look warily up from the vegetable bed they’ve been weeding.

    ‘What is it, Parent?’

    ‘Don’t play innocent with me, young elf!’

    Vashti’s dark green eyes widen in shock. ‘What do you mean?’

    ‘You know perfectly well! I will not have you two bullying poor Tavi!’

    Luci jumps to hir feet, shaking red hair out of hir face ‘But we –‘

    In Kyrie’s arms, Tavi bursts into a new spasm of wailing.

    ‘Don’t make it worse by making excuses please, Lucien. I’ve had about enough of this behaviour from both of you! Now, you two will finish weeding that garden, and then you can both go to bed without supper!’ Kyrie turns on hir heel, and sweeps back into the house. Back in the kitchen, she sits Tavi on a counter-top and gives the child the spoon covered in banana-nut muffin batter to lick.

    ‘They are only being foolish, Little One, and you must not listen to them. Every elf is a real elf, and anyone who says anything different is simply misinformed.’

    Kyrie begins to grease the baking tray as the child devotes hir wholehearted attention to the spoon. Eventually though, Tavi looks up, slightly the stickier for hir encounter.

    ‘Parent?’

    ‘Yes, Loved One?’

    ‘Will you tell me the story again? Of how you got me?’

    Kyrie smiles. ‘Again? Have you not heard it enough times already?’

    ‘Want to hear it again!’

    ‘Very well’. Kyrie glances out the window: the twins are continuing their weeding peacefully enough, although with deeply hard-done-by expressions on their faces. Never mind: they must learn that they should show their younger sibling the love and respect that ze deserves as a member of their family. Poor Tavi will have enough battles to fight in hir lifetime without speciesist bullying from hir own siblings.

    ‘Once upon a time, there was an elf who was the prettiest and the bravest and the cleverest elf I ever did know’ Kyrie begins, truthfully enough. There is no point adding adjectives like ‘stubborn’, ‘arrogant’ or ‘unbelievably, truly staggeringly self-centred’ to the litany: it would do Tavi no good to hear it, and besides Kyrie’s anger has long since faded over the years, leaving only love and sadness. ‘And this elf was a wonderfully powerful wizard, who could do all sorts of amazing things. Do you remember the name, Little One?’

    ‘It was V’suv’ius!’ Tavi beams. ‘An’ that elf was Vashti an’ Luci’s Other Parent, too!’

    ‘That’s right,’ Kyrie smiles. ‘And that elf lived right here in Ivyleaf, with Parent and Vashti and Luci, until one day we decided together that Vaarsuvius should go and learn even greater magic. This was when the twins were about your age, Loved One. So we said goodbye, and for a long, long time Vaarsuvius was away, having lots and lots of adventures!’

    Kyrie very deliberately does not mention the nature of said adventures. She’s never sure how much Luci and Vashti remember of their ordeal at the claws of the Ancient Black Dragon, and has always hoped that they see it as something like a scary dream, gone with the morning and best forgotten. And there is little point dwelling on the recriminations of the past, the divorce proceedings, like so much else, are no subject to be discussing with a nineteen-year-old elfling.

    ‘But one day I was making walnut bread, right here in this very kitchen, when someone came to visit us! They were a human lady, and a fearsome halfling warrior.’

    ‘Tell about them!’

    ‘Well, the lady was pretty, and very nice, and she was a very good friend to your Parent, Vaarsuvius. And as for the halfling, he was the strongest and the swiftest and the most terrible halfling I ever did know. And he was your Other Parent, Tavi!’. Once more, Kyrie makes sure to tell hir child nothing but the truth, while leaving the more... unpleasant details out of it. The less Tavi hears about hir father’s personal habits, manner of speech or table manners the better, and ze certainly doesn’t need to know what he did to the best upstairs guest room. ‘And they brought something with them. Do you know what it was?’

    Tavi waves the spoon in the air. ‘It was me!’

    ‘It was you! And Luci and Vashti and I were very, very sad, because they told us that our Vaarsuvius had died giving birth to a beautiful baby elf. ‘ Kyrie would not dream of allowing the phrase ‘and also disgusted beyond belief at the very idea of Suvie having anything to do with the obnoxious little creature currently trashing hir house and insulting hir cooking’ to cross hir lips, but that doesn’t mean ze isn’t thinking it.

    ‘But we were very, very happy too, because they gave you to us, and asked us to look after you because they were Fearless Adventurers, and they had to go on a quest to save the world!’

    ‘And did they save it?’

    Kyrie looks around hir. ‘Hmm, Little One, I don’t know! Let me check – are you still here?’

    Tavi giggles. ‘Yes!’

    ‘Am I still here!’

    ‘Course you are! Silly Parent!’

    ‘Well then, I guess they must have! But then, a little while later, I had a Sending from the leader of their party. And I was sad again, because he told me that your Other Parent had died saving the world from something called the Snarl. But I was happy too, because he said that if I wanted, I could keep you so that you and me and Vashti and Luci would be together forever! And do you know what I said?’

    ‘Yes?’

    ‘YES! I said yes! And anyone who has TWO elven Parents who love hir very much, AND a halfling Other Parent who saved the whole world, is about as real an elf as any elf can be! Remember that, Imtaviel’.

    Noticing that the child is wriggling slightly, Kyrie scoops hir off the counter and sets hir down on the floor. ‘There. Now you’ve distracted your poor Parent enough! I have to get these in the oven now or there’ll be no banana nut muffins for supper! Run off and play, and don’t take any nonsense from your Older Siblings.’

    Tavi beams like a freckle-faced angel, and slips quietly out the back door. Ze is right down the bottom of the garden and safely up an apple tree before hir Older Siblings finish the weeding and head upstairs to discover exactly what ze has put in their beds.

    Ze chuckles to hirself as the shrieks of pain and outrage filter down the garden, and wonders what stories ze will make up about them to tell hir Parent tomorrow.




    ETA:

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    *Every* sensation is sharpened....?

    /starts grinning
    Oh yes

    And OMG, Kaytara, that is a gorgeous banner.
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-06 at 08:17 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  20. - Top - End - #380
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    That was great, esmerelder. >D

    Blood always tells. XD
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  21. - Top - End - #381
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Belkster11 View Post
    Neccesity, Miko. Sometimes you have to do things that are unthinkable for the greater good, much like you whacking off the king.

    (Miko's face shows signs that she is slowly understanding it)
    Maybe it's the inner-15-year-old coming out, but I thought this was hilarious. And really, really gross.


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  22. - Top - End - #382
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    esmerelder -It was brilliant, so full of warmth and love -truelly masterpiece. It's also good to read about other half-halflings .

    Water-smurf's story as always great. Also Kaytara's art is awesome, I especially like VxMiko.

  23. - Top - End - #383

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    *Every* sensation is sharpened....?
    I can see the gears in your head turning.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  24. - Top - End - #384
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    @ Kaytara -- Thanks! Of course, ze gets hir pranking skills from *both* sides of the family

    I just noticed what's going on with the blue and brown in the coloured version of the V/Miko picture -- is it some sort of magic to restore paladinhood?
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-06 at 08:17 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

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    !

  25. - Top - End - #385
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post
    I just noticed what's going on with the blue and brown in the coloured version of the V/Miko picture -- is it some sort of magic to restore paladinhood?
    ...or to induce a Fall.

    Honestly? No idea what it means, it just occurred to me while colouring. I'm thinking the magic isn't doing anything in that regard and just serves as a sort of artistic window to the past/future. But feel free to interpret it however you wish. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sequinox View Post
    Maybe it's the inner-15-year-old coming out,
    *snort*

    You have no idea how funny that statement is when you've just
    1) perused the crack fic thread
    2) reread a post about Belkar becoming pregnant with Vaarsuvius' child
    3) are close to falling asleep at the keyboard
    4) and on top of it all, when you've just finished drawing something and your mind automatically translates things to mental images.
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-11-06 at 08:13 PM.
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  26. - Top - End - #386
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Ed... editing???! You mean it's practically finished and ready to be shared?
    It's been that way for a while. :) But I'm feeling extra motivated and I still have the weekend to work (assuming I don't have too much homework I missed), so I think that it'll be coming out soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post
    As promised, V/Belkar spawnfic. It's not cracky at all, so I don't know how suitable it is for this thread, but it does talk about the *aftereffects* of a crack pairing, and it's based on a pretty damn weird idea
    Hmmm... Apparently, a lot of stuff runs in the blood.

    Now you've inspired me to write a V/RC spawnfic. Do you mind if I do?

    And I love the banner, Kaytara! Nice to see some new styles running around!
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-11-06 at 08:14 PM.

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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  27. - Top - End - #387
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Now you've inspired me to write a V/RC spawnfic. Do you mind if I do?
    I'm surprised you actually feel the need to ask that, even as a gesture.
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  28. - Top - End - #388
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    Of course not! I would love to read that.

    Hmm, if this goes on for long enough, perhaps we will end up with some sort of 'Crack Pairings: The Next Generation'!


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  29. - Top - End - #389
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    I'm surprised you actually feel the need to ask that, even as a gesture.
    Mommy always taught me to be polite.

    Crack Pairings: The Next Generation...

    At this rate, we'll never use up all the thread titles we come up with!
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-11-06 at 08:19 PM.

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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

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    All right, I think this thread could use a little more sheer silliness, so I've decided to start on a pairing that will crack everyone up!

    EDIT: I'd like to say that this is not my best writing, just something random. I didn't even really check it over.

    Horrible puns aside:

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    (Present Day)

    Belkar was in the dungeon in which Girard's Gate was believed to be kept. It had been several hours before that the party had split up.

    As they had entered the dungeon, Elan had predicted that everyone would have to face the thing they loved most, as well as what they feared most. If it was true, nothing had happened yet. Nonetheless, the idea of facing his fears scared him. This was because he didn't know what he was afraid of. Sure, he'd always told everyone that he was fearless and that he was the 'sexy shoeless god of war.' But really, deep down, he didn't think he was fearless. He was afraid of the idea that there were things he didn't know about to fear. As this reality dawned on him -

    "Meow," Mr. Scruffy purred loudly. It shattered his thoughts and he came back to the reality of the chilly sandstone caves.

    "Once I think of someone to blame for all this sudden thought, there'll be hell to pay..." He muttered.

    "MREOW!" Mr. Scruffy jumped out of his arms (actually, Belkar didn't remember how the scruffster had gotten into his arms at all... Odd) and ran off into the caves.

    -----

    (Maybe a day or so into the past)

    "You really got it reset? Do you have any idea how much that's going to set us back?"

    "Of course. Still, if I get half the laughs I'd gotten out of it before, it's totally worth it."

    Redcloak and Xykon had found the locations of all of the gates in Serini's diary after O-Chul escaped, and now were outside the dungeon, planning their entrance. They'd decided to make things tough for the Order by sticking in a few little surprises, one of which was the dreaded trap that they'd used back in Dorukan's dungeon.

    "So... Are you just going to go set it up and leave it for them to trigger?"

    "Yep."

    "Sir, I don't think we have time for this."

    "Redcloak, I'm an epic-leveled sorcerer. I can make time. Besides, all I have to do is teleport it into place. Not that hard."

    Redcloak sighed. "All right, sir. Let's get going."

    -----

    (Present day)

    "MR. SCRUFFY! NO!" Belkar cried out. The little cat had scampered off, and Belkar finally realized what he feared:

    Being alone in a location in which he know nothing about. No, there were no human guards that he could kill in gruesome (albeit comedic) ways, no 2 ton anvils attached to the ceiling, no lever to unleash the cougar.

    He was alone.

    V's scream echoing off the cavern walls didn't help much either.

    -----

    Mr. Scruffy was off into the labyrinthine darkness which would have confused any but the most perceptive human. Or elf. Or halfling. Dwarves would probably be fine, though.

    Suddenly, his paw landed a little bit further down into the rock than it had for all of the other steps. He froze.

    At this point I should probably explain that Mr. Scruffy is actually an intelligent being. He, like Shojo, faked pure idiocy. When Belkar (who he felt much more intelligent then, but kept around for the lulz) had said it was time to go kick ass, he had performed the standard cat response for a reason: He was laughing.

    Thus, the adorable little kitty saw the monstrous trap that laid out before him. He saw the scythes and the poison, the fire ants...

    And for once in his life, he felt true love.

    This wicked mechanism truly understood him. He wanted to trigger the trap and feel the wonderful burn of the ant's bites, to lose all motion from the poisons and succumb to the will of the scythes. He knew it wouldn't kill him, it too loved him.

    He triggered the trap, and for once felt true bliss.


    So yeah, it's in the same place and same time as Water-Smurf's story... But if anything here disagrees with what she writes, just say that this is an alternate reality or something.

    Also, if you noticed the Monty Python reference, kudos. And cookies. Kudo-flavored cookies. (I have no idea what a congratulation tastes like, but still.)
    Last edited by Sequinox; 2009-11-06 at 08:36 PM.


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