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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Funky Goose View Post
    Prepare for the awsomeness of...



    BADLY DRAWN HALF-DRAGON LIKE BEKLAR TYPE OBJECT!!!
    *trembles* Nooo!

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  2. - Top - End - #212
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    It's like a match made in Hell.

    Minor quibble - maybe add a tail of some sort?

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Funky Goose View Post
    Prepare for the awsomeness of...



    BADLY DRAWN HALF-DRAGON LIKE BEKLAR TYPE OBJECT!!!
    You should have made it a baby half-dragon-half-halfling-thing.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-09-19 at 04:34 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
    DeviantArt

  4. - Top - End - #214
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    @ Raging Gene Ray - 'I call the hilt end'. Aargh! Congratulations, that's the first time I've actually seriously had to reach for the brain bleach on this whole thread. Well played, sir.

    @ Belkster11 - Awww! I forgive the pun for the cuteness of the pairing.

    @ Malkar Grumbo - *removes hat out of respect for Random Hobgoblin Guard #1* Nice work! Your Tsukiko is impressively creepy.

    @ Moon_Called - Eek! I'm not sure whether I'm more disturbed by the thought of half-kobold half-Haley children, or the fact that you actually managed to make the Oracle into such a sympathetic character.

    @ MasamuneSSX - Love it! The Oracle is certainly doing well out of this thread today...

    @ Dra-Goon - Bone Golem Roy is adorable! I wonder if he and Thog would play nicely together?

    @ Kyronea and TheBibliophile - thank you! I've decided I really like Serini/Girard as a pairing too, so I'm working on a little companion piece - it's not really a sequel, more the other side of the story. Will be up shortly!


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  5. - Top - End - #215
    Banned
     
    xelliea's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    Hi Ive never made crack before so this one may suck.
    Ok Time to roll... CeliaXVaausarvis with High heels and black leather Ok..

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    Vaasaurvis was in his room about to trance, when suddenly Celia came in. "Umm hello... why are you in High heels and black leather ?" asked Vaausarvis. "Oh No reason..." Celia said, then quickley yelled "Dominate Person!" "Wait wha..." But before vaausarvis could answer The elf fell under her spell.
    "you are loyal to me and me only! "Understand?" Celia Comanded, "yes Misstres" the elf replied "good How about we go some where... private" "yes Misstres" the elf replied. The thing Celia didnt know was... that the spell had failed.

    ...Please dont Ban me
    A banner of this would be fun. I would use it.
    Last edited by xelliea; 2009-09-19 at 05:05 PM.

  6. - Top - End - #216
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Sorry it's been a long time coming I realised that remove curse was a touch spell and as such had to revise my ending (it was a lot funnier but less "Awww".). I also had a hard time coming up with a meeting place, Julio always seems to pick up people in bars in my head!

    The Origin of Love
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    She leaned on the railing at the edge of the harbour, the breeze blowing off the sea lifting her green cloak and ruffling her long, blond hair. A hand trailed lightly up her back and rested on her shoulder.

    “Nale, honey?” murmured Sabine “Are you ok? Thog said he was sorry. He didn’t mean to mix the loot with our clothes, and for you to pick up the belt of gender-changing was just bad luck. Anyway you look totally hot as a girl!”

    Nale turned around and gave her a look. “You’re not really helping. Although it does agree with my plan of evil opposites. How long until you can remove this curséd belt?”

    “I’ll need to go and blag the remove curse spell from someone so it’ll probably be a couple of days.”

    “Very well, I guess I shall have to deal with it until then.” She pulled her close then, realising that their bodies didn’t seem to fit together anymore, put her hands on her shoulders and smiled at her. “Until your return.” With Sabine’s departure she returned to his gazing out to sea, the endless crashing of the waves a balm to her roiling and confused thoughts.

    X X X

    The Mechane, airship of the world-famous sky pirate, renown ladies’ man and all-around dashing action hero Julio Scoundrél, skimmed low over the ocean. The wind sung gaily through the rigging and the whole ship seemed to revel in the majesty of flight. Captain Scoundrél, striking a suitably dashing pose, was standing at the bow scanning the horizon. (I see him right at the front, one foot resting on the edge and one hand holding some rigging)

    “Look men a town! How about we go ashore for a little R&R?”

    Flying low over the harbour and trying to find a place to set down he noticed a lone figure standing at the railing. Their eyes met for only a moment but in that moment the world seemed to slow on its axis. There may have been bluebirds, there may have been an orchestra but all either of them were certain of was that after the ship had passed on they had to find each other again. Leaving his first mate to dock the Mechane, Julio swung onto the harbour and ran back to where he had seen her. She was waiting for him and they clasped hands and stared in to each others eyes. Julio was the first to speak.

    “At first when I saw you there you were so familiar, but I couldn’t understand why. Now I know. I can tell by your expression that the pain down in your soul is the same as the one down in mine.”

    Nale glanced away. “I...I think so, but...”

    Julio shushed her with a finger against her lips. “Whatever it is it doesn’t matter for we only have this one night together. I must return to my ship and crew tomorrow.”

    She lifted tear filmed eyes to his. “Then let us make this count.” And kissed him.

    X X X

    “Remove curse!” Sabine held up the belt of gender-changing triumphantly. “What’s wrong Nale? I thought you’d be happy to be male again.” a seductive note entered her voice and she rubbed against him, “Want to make sure everything still works?”

    “No thanks. I...I’m going for a walk, to clear my head.” For even though he knew he was gone a small kernel of hope still burned. Maybe, just maybe he would see him again. Someday.


    Well? That darn song has been going round my head all day so thought I'd give it a cameo.

    EDIT: *refresh* *refresh* *refresh* Ah! Oh, no it's not... *refresh* *refresh* Screw this I'm going to bed!
    Last edited by Taekwondodo; 2009-09-19 at 05:28 PM.
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  7. - Top - End - #217
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    @Funky Goose

    That frightens me on so many levels, great job!

    @esmerelder

    Thank you for the complment, I try my best Although I get the feeling I'm trying to write the War and Peace of crack fic (In length, not quality) I mean I'm four chapters in, and the next two involve Haley being converted to EVIIIIIIL! That's not even including what I have to do to get to the end. But I do it because it's fun.

    @Taekwondodo

    Gender bent Nale and Julio. Nice, very nice indeed.
    I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Sorcerer (3rd Level)
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  8. - Top - End - #218
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Finished, hooray!

    This is a companion piece to my first Order of the Scribble story, which is on Page 6 of this thread -- it may not make a lot of sense if you haven't read the earlier one.

    Ten Things That Girard Draketooth Doesn't Know About Serini Toormuck:

    Spoiler
    Show


    1. That she has had a thing for him since the day Soon announced 'We're getting an illusionist' and the inn door banged open to reveal a tall, red-haired and red-cloaked stranger.

    2. That her better nature forces her to tell herself that she fell in love with his sad, cold steel-grey eyes, the colour of the sea after rain, and his smile, which is sweet and sudden as a shaft of sunlight bursting through the thundercloud of his terrible scars.

    3. That this is actually a load of nefarious unicorn-hockey -- deep down, she knows perfectly well that it has a lot more to do with the fact that he combines a really nice pair of skin-tight blue dragonhide trousers with an extremely nice backside, and always seems to march directly in front of her in line.

    4. That, far from being the delicate little Small-sized flower that he imagines, she grew up in a mixed village and has had a thing for taller men ever since she first stood on a stack of grimoires in order to make out with Bobby Grukman (6'1", and captain of the school orc-ball team) the night of her junior high-school graduation.

    5. That every teasing remark he's ever sent in her direction, every mock-scolding she's fired back at him, each time they sardonically refer to one another as 'Draketooth' and 'Toormuck', feels as good as a hug or a present from anybody else.

    6. That she suspects her feelings may be returned -- a halfling nose for pheromones is a useful thing at times -- and has been so confused and frustrated by his failure to make a move that a) she's bored Lirian to tears by talking about it in ladies' rooms all over the Western Continent, b) a small patch of hair on her left foot has started falling out, and c) her diary is now so full of scribbled love-hearts and embarrassing poetry that she's extremely glad nobody else will ever read it.

    7. That while the dance that she's been teaching the rest of the Order really is an old halfling good luck dance, she hasn't told anyone except Lirian exactly what sort of good luck it invokes. Dorukan would probably be a bit shocked (but secretly amused!) if he realised the traditional meaning behind the arm gestures he's been doing with the elf, and if Kraagor knew the words that go with the tune he's been beating out on his shield-drum, he'd probably burn it on the spot and have to send back to the Dwarven Lands for a new one. It's not a love spell as such, and it certainly won't make anyone do anything that they didn't already want to do -- Serini's a rogue, not a rapist -- but the magic is an ancient one designed to, um, speed the natural process along a little.

    8. That the 40% proof Captaine Jacke's Olde Original Coconut Rum she dumped into everyone's cocoa after dinner probably hasn't hurt matters either.

    9. That as the drumbeats wind down -- Kraagor's tired out at last, and Soon is nodding into his cocoa mug -- and Dorukan and Lirian collapse into a pile of yellow robes and golden hair and hormones on the other side of the clearing, she's more than a little nervous. If her nose has misled her after all, she's going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Not to mention the fact that her bedroll is going to seem colder than ever tonight...

    Then she looks up as he looks down, autumn leaves pierced by steel, and she holds her breath and lifts her arms and is swept up and away. She's snuggling into his chest, silk shirt and warm skin like velvet as he holds her tight, and when she kisses him it tastes like coconut and chocolate, and then her hands are in his hair and his hands are everywhere, and maybe, maybe...

    10. Maybe her better nature has a point about the smile thing after all.



    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  9. - Top - End - #219
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post
    Finished, hooray!

    This is a companion piece to my first Order of the Scribble story, which is on Page 6 of this thread -- it may not make a lot of sense if you haven't read the earlier one.

    Ten Things That Girard Draketooth Doesn't Know About Serini Toormuck:

    Spoiler
    Show


    1. That she has had a thing for him since the day Soon announced 'We're getting an illusionist' and the inn door banged open to reveal a tall, red-haired and red-cloaked stranger.

    2. That her better nature forces her to tell herself that she fell in love with his sad, cold steel-grey eyes, the colour of the sea after rain, and his smile, which is sweet and sudden as a shaft of sunlight bursting through the thundercloud of his terrible scars.

    3. That this is actually a load of nefarious unicorn-hockey -- deep down, she knows perfectly well that it has a lot more to do with the fact that he combines a really nice pair of skin-tight blue dragonhide trousers with an extremely nice backside, and always seems to march directly in front of her in line.

    4. That, far from being the delicate little Small-sized flower that he imagines, she grew up in a mixed village and has had a thing for taller men ever since she first stood on a stack of grimoires in order to make out with Bobby Grukman (6'1", and captain of the school orc-ball team) the night of her junior high-school graduation.

    5. That every teasing remark he's ever sent in her direction, every mock-scolding she's fired back at him, each time they sardonically refer to one another as 'Draketooth' and 'Toormuck', feels as good as a hug or a present from anybody else.

    6. That she suspects her feelings may be returned -- a halfling nose for pheromones is a useful thing at times -- and has been so confused and frustrated by his failure to make a move that a) she's bored Lirian to tears by talking about it in ladies' rooms all over the Western Continent, b) a small patch of hair on her left foot has started falling out, and c) her diary is now so full of scribbled love-hearts and embarrassing poetry that she's extremely glad nobody else will ever read it.

    7. That while the dance that she's been teaching the rest of the Order really is an old halfling good luck dance, she hasn't told anyone except Lirian exactly what sort of good luck it invokes. Dorukan would probably be a bit shocked (but secretly amused!) if he realised the traditional meaning behind the arm gestures he's been doing with the elf, and if Kraagor knew the words that go with the tune he's been beating out on his shield-drum, he'd probably burn it on the spot and have to send back to the Dwarven Lands for a new one. It's not a love spell as such, and it certainly won't make anyone do anything that they didn't already want to do -- Serini's a rogue, not a rapist -- but the magic is an ancient one designed to, um, speed the natural process along a little.

    8. That the 40% proof Captaine Jacke's Olde Original Coconut Rum she dumped into everyone's cocoa after dinner probably hasn't hurt matters either.

    9. That as the drumbeats wind down -- Kraagor's tired out at last, and Soon is nodding into his cocoa mug -- and Dorukan and Lirian collapse into a pile of yellow robes and golden hair and hormones on the other side of the clearing, she's more than a little nervous. If her nose has misled her after all, she's going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Not to mention the fact that her bedroll is going to seem colder than ever tonight...

    Then she looks up as he looks down, autumn leaves pierced by steel, and she holds her breath and lifts her arms and is swept up and away. She's snuggling into his chest, silk shirt and warm skin like velvet as he holds her tight, and when she kisses him it tastes like coconut and chocolate, and then her hands are in his hair and his hands are everywhere, and maybe, maybe...

    10. Maybe her better nature has a point about the smile thing after all.

    Good work! I love it, hope to see more of this relationship.
    I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Sorcerer (3rd Level)
    Ability Scores:
    Strength- 9
    Dexterity- 11
    Constitution- 11
    Intelligence- 12
    Wisdom- 11
    Charisma- 11

  10. - Top - End - #220
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Absolutely fricking adorable, esmerelder. :')
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
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  11. - Top - End - #221
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Carnivorous M.'s Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Esmerelder?

    YOU ARE A GOD.

    Just sayin'.
    "It must be humbling to suck on so many levels." -Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory

    When life gives you lemons, tell Belkar it called him short and then laugh from a safe distance.

    Starving the trolls since 2004

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  12. - Top - End - #222
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Well, I am nowhere near Esmerelder in the skill of being eloquently concise - but then, my fics tend to be dialogue-focussed so it probably follows. Besides, this might not be the right crowd to apologise for a LONG fic to. XD

    The second part of Vaarsuvius x Durkon. And it's still not finished. And the "pairing" part is still very fuzzy and open to interpretation... sigh. I'll make it work out somehow.
    And it's LONG. XD Doubly so given the narrow format of the forum posts...

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    Vaarsuvius was struggling, waves of resentment rolling off of him, as was to be expected when one was being forcibly dragged by a determined, grumpy dwarf.

    Durkon ignored the elf's protests as he pushed open the door to the kitchen and entered. It was empty, as was to be expected this late in the day, but Durkon didn't need help to find the leftover soup from today's dinner. Not releasing the increasingly agitated elf, Durkon scooped some of it into a bowl and set it on the table, a few candles supplying the only illumination in the otherwise dim chamber.

    “Durkon, I demand you release me immediately!” the elf scoffed, trying to pull herself free.

    “Only if ye promise ta shove yer stubborness inna dark corner somewhere an' listen ta me,” the dwarf huffed.

    “Leave me be, Durkon,” she scoffed, trying to wriggle free. “I am a grown elf and I do not require-”

    “Now look 'ere!” Grabbing the elf's shoulders, Durkon pulled her around to face him, glowering up at her pale face with a righteous anger of his own. “I've had jus' aboot enuff o' this. I dinnae care 'ow grown ye think ye are if ye're 'in gonna act like it and ye've been doin' everythin' but. I dinnae care aboot any o' tha trollcrap aboot 'ow ye high an' mighty elves dinnae ev'n need ta trance when I jus' need ta look at ye ta tell otherwise!” He pulled the elf down till their eyes were level. “Now this ain't right. I know ye haven't had a trance 'n months an' by the looks o' it,” he squeezed the glaring elf's bony shoulders for emphasis, “ye haven't been eatin' enuff, either. I know this ain't good fer ye and I cannae let this continue, do ye understand? I dinnae care if I haf ta tie ye up ta do it, but we'll be gettin' some food inta ye and ye'll be takin' a trance, too!”

    “...Going to extremes, are you not?” Vaarsuvius said coldly, but there was resignation in his voice.

    “Jus' what I haf ta. I owe it ta Roy ta take care o' 'is wizard and I owe it ta Haley ta na let 'er friend fall apart like a roach col'ny hit wit Smite Evil. Now sit and eat,” he said gruffly, pushing the elf down into a seat at the table.

    “Very admirable,” Vaarsuvius muttered, frowning at the soup as she picked up a spoon and started idly stirring it with disinterest.

    “Dinnae get me wrong, I owe it ta ye jus' as well,” Durkon said, sitting down on the bench beside the elf. “Eat,” he repeated forcefully.

    “I appreciate your concern, Durkon, but I am not hungry,” the elf said quietly, her head low. The stupid pride had seeped out of her posture and been replaced by terse weariness, instead.

    “Tha's 'cause ye've been eatin' so little tha yer body thinks thar's a food shortage an' it tries ta conserve energy by keepin' ye wit a low appetite.” At V's surprised look, Durkon scoffed. “I'm a cleric, ye know. Jus' eat already,” he placed a heavy hand on the elf's shoulder and shook it slightly.

    Vaarsuvius shrugged and hesitantly tried the soup. It was probably luke-warm at best, but there was little Durkon could do about that. Vaarsuvius frowned, laid aside the spoon, sat a little straighter and took the bowl in her hands.

    Durkon peered suspiciously at her. “What-”

    “Burning Hands,” the elf muttered, startling the cleric as her bony fingers lit up with fire for a second, the flames carefully shaped to encircle the bowl and touch nothing else.

    A moment later, Vaarsuvius carefully picked at the food again. It must have been much warmer, for she quietly nodded to herself, sighed and slowly began eating.

    Durkon watched for a moment, then grunted, “Hmpf. Usin' spells ta warm up lefto'ers. Shoulda known. Maybe tha's tha problem. Ye go aroun' expectin' everythin' ta be tha easy.”

    Staring down into his bowl, Vaarsuvius scowled, “Worry not, your continuous lecturing is doing a marvelous job at keeping me safe from assuming that magic is the solution to everything.”

    “Nowhere near enuff,” he grunted.

    She paused, then looked sideways at Durkon, pale pink eyes the colour of her magic narrowing at the dwarf. “Will you eat as well, or do you intend to maintain your vigil beside me to keep me from escaping?”

    Durkon shook his head. “I had me fill at dinn'r,” he patted his belly. “Though I dinnae think thar's really any way I could stop ye from goin' if'n ye really put yer mind ta it,” he admitted. “Jus' hope tha ye'll haf tha sense ta na go tha far.”

    “This coming from a dwarf who has physically hauled me here and threatened to tie me up and force-feed me should the necessity arise,” Vaarsuvius muttered.

    “If'n ye could see yerself, ye'd haf dun tha same thin' 'n me place,” the dwarf shook his head, glowering disapprovingly at the elf's pasty grey skin and tangled purple hair, once so immaculately groomed. “I've seen zombies more healthy-lookin' than ye.”

    The elf said nothing at that, eyebrows edging together slightly. Durkon then noticed the bowl was almost empty and the elf was now mostly stirring through the soup without actually eating it.

    “Good enuff fer now,” Durkon grunted. He stood and took the bowl. “Ye'll haf ta trance now,” he said over his shoulder while giving the bowl a quick rinse and putting it away.

    “No.”

    “Wha?” Durkon frowned. His voice raised, he turned back to face Vaarsuvius, “Now wha'd I'd tell ye aboot-”

    Vaarsuvius was on his feet, frowning at him with a somewhat distant look. “I will not trance,” he said, unwavering steel in his voice that was more than just mere stubborness. “It is a highly inefficient activity and a poor way to waste four hours of the time I may spend far more productively.”

    “Vaarsuvius...” Durkon glowered.

    “You cannot compell me to trance, Durkon, and I refuse to waste my time with such nonsense.” She raised her chin, every feature emanating cold formality. “I thank you for your company and I bid you a good night.”

    “Na, wait!” Durkon said, grabbing the elf's arm again as she turned to leave. “Fine then, na trancin'. Whate'er ye say. I still think ye need a better break than jus' tha sip o' a soup ye took.” He pushed the elf into the seat again, provoking a frustrated sigh.

    “I am truly not getting rid of you this easily, am I?” the elf winced, fingers rising to rub the bridge of her nose.

    “Sure as Thor don't own shavin' cream,” the dwarf replied cheerfully, sitting down beside her. For all of the elf's irritation, she wasn't trying to blast him to pieces, which was thoroughly reassuring.

    The elf sighed and leaned forward wearily, elbows on the table. “I find myself wondering why you believe idle conversation would be more beneficial for me than returning to an activity I am comfortable and familiar with.” She turned in her seat to look at Durkon, eyeing him with distrust and vague amusement. “Fine then. What shall the subject of today's lecture be, Master Thundershield? Or do you instead intend to discuss the current average incoming radiation and precipitation patterns?” she asked, her voice thick with bemused sarcasm.

    Durkon snorted. “I s'ppose we could do tha, or I could let ye talk aboot sumthin' ye're actually int'rested 'n. How is yer research goin'?”

    V's face clouded over. He looked away. “It is... not showing visible progress,” he admitted slowly, as if he was trying to swallow acid. “I... I have attempted a wide span of spells that were viable as a means to penetrate whatever effect is blocking my efforts – assuming Miss Starshine is not simply deceased” his face fell a little, his voice quiet, “No standard scrying or communication spells will work. I have researched several new variations that focussed specifically on overcoming interfering effects as well as those that attempted to exploit possible loopholes in the effect, but to no avail. I had the greatest hope for the Greater Animal Messenger spell, for few abjurations normally account for a creature being magically compelled to approach an affected object, but that spell has obviously proven ineffective, as well.”

    Vaarsuvius sighed, eyebrows knitting together with worry and agitation and Durkon momentarily regretted having even brought it up. The elf could decide to jump up and bounce back to his research any moment. “I have also explored the possibility that the magical effect is affecting us rather than Miss Starshine and causing interference with any outgoing spells, but scrying on other areas and persons functions without error, therefore that cannot be the case, either...” the elf's voice took on a distressed note as he explained furiously, “The entire area of Azure City is impenetrable to divination. If Haley is still alive, then the spell failures must indicate that she is still there, but that... I-I do not wish to ponder...”

    “V...” Durkon hesitantly placed a hand on the elf's shoulder. “Ye know ye dinnae hafta worry tha much aboot Haley. She's a high-level advent'rer jus' like ye an' me an' she's an expert wit cities. Ye hafta haf faith 'n her. She can take care o' 'erself.”

    The elf's turned to stare at him. “In the same way the late Sir Greenhilt was a strong and intelligent fighter and could take care of himself, I suppose?” he shook his head, cutting Durkon off as the dwarf was about to reply. “I do not think she is dead, Durkon. I do worry that she may well be wishing she was.”

    Durkon's jaw tightened. “I know wha ye mean,” he said, nodding. “But Haley is good at tha sneakin' business. She's na tryin' ta accomplish what Roy was tryin' ta do. Roy, well...” he sighed. “She's na tryin' ta tackle a lich aboot a dozen levels above 'er, not ta mention aboot a hundred feet 'n tha air, fer one thin'.”

    The elf nodded fiercely, teeth clenching and hands curling into fists in frustration. “A hundred feet in the air are no obstacle to a Feather Fall, or Fly, or any number of other spells including but not limited to those that would not have required him to confront the lich in melee in the first place.” He shook Durkon's hand off his shoulder. “I could not have brought about his demise more surely if I were a traitor working against him.”

    “Eh? Wha's this then?” Durkon peered at the elf in confusion. “Are ye implyin' tha' ye're sum'ow ta blame fer Roy's death?!” Thor's nostrils, the problem was a lot deeper than he'd expected.

    The elf stared at him as if he had just proclaimed his intention to never drink another drop of ale in his life. After a moment, Vaarsuvius sputtered, “And are you implying that I am not? It was the lack of my presence that, as you told me, prompted him to attempt such a perilous assault in the first place!”

    “O' course,” Durkon snorted at the elf's agitation, “But 'ow izzat any o' yer fault?”

    “It was my own decision to leave and engage those three Titanium elementals on my own, despite Sir Greenhilt's orders to the contrary,” Vaarsuvius said, head hanging low. “It was due to that ridiculous venture that I became separated from the rest of the party when cooperation was most crucial! And afterwards, I-... I have spent decades studying magic and yet I could not even cast a Feather Fall – barely more than a cantrip! - when it mattered!

    “Och, ye foolish elf,” Durkon sighed, running his fingers over his bald head. “'Ow can ye ev'n blame yerself fer tha? If'n ye hadn't been at tha breach, thar goblins would haf o'erwhelmed tha defenses right at tha start!”

    “Perhaps so,” Vaarsuvius nodded coldly. “But then at least we would have stayed together. And, if Sir Greenhilt had not died, then Miss Starshine... Haley... would never have needed to leave to retrieve his corpse, and she would be right here with us! - as would Sir Greenhilt, and even the halfling – and we would likely be on our way to Girard's Gate even now! Making progress in our mission to stop plans that endanger the entire world! And now – because I acted out of turn, grasped at the chance to use my vaunted magical power – foolish – Sir Greenhilt is dead and his body is quite possibly destroyed beyond the possibility of being restored even with a Resurrection and Miss Starshine may be likewise dead or suffering in Xykon's clutches! And on top of it all, we have not budged from our position in many months, while that lich may be at that gate even now! All for want of a nail, as the saying is – or, to be more concrete, for want of my own adequate judgement! And you earnestly question my zeal in seeking to repair the damage I have wrought?!” The elf shook - shoulders hunched, teetch clenched and eyes burning furiously at the dwarf beneath the shadow of messy purple hair.

    “Thor's almighty liver...” Durkon muttered. He was at loss for a moment, then fetched two cups, untied his flask of holy ale from his belt and poured it, then pushed one of the cups into V's hand. “Consid'r yerself lucky,” he grunted. “Authentic bless'd dwarven ale ain't sumthin' people get ta drink jus' like tha.”

    Vaarsuvius looked bleakly at the liquid. “I think that poisoning my body with fermented organic toxins and earning myself a splitting headache is unlikely to aid us in our predicament nor improve my physical condition of which you disapprove so strongly.”

    “An' I think ye need a drink.”

    Vaarsuvius stared at the cup again, not replying as his fingers curled around the mug tentatively.

    “Ye know, I thought ye were an intell'gent elf, Vaarsuvius,” he mused, retaking his seat and taking a good solid gulp from his own cup. “Ye cannae be serious aboot this.”

    Vaarsuvius scoffed at him resentfully, then raised the cup and swallowed in a way that was unnervingly at odds with the composed, delicate way he usually sipped his wine. The gulp of dwarven ale sent him coughing and grimacing a moment later. Coughing once more, he took a careful sip. “This is much stronger than what I am accustomed to...” he muttered, wincing.

    Durkon shook his head incredulously at the elf. “What aboot war? An' famine? An' death? Ye figure out a way ta blame yerself fer tha yet?”

    “Rest assured that I am working on it,” the elf snapped angrily after another cough-inducing swig from his cup, a slightly unsteady sway to his hand already.

    “No no no, ye cannae do this, V!” Durkon gestured exasperatedly. “Ye know what they say aboot hindsight! Jus' 'cause ye think things would haf gone diff'rently if'n ye'd dun sumthin' diff'rent dinnae mean they really would haf gone tha way!”

    The elf set the cup down with a loud clank, turning to face him. “Are you of all people denying that disobeying the orders of our leader was a bad decision and a tactical mistake?”

    “Did it seem like one at tha time?”

    “I...” Vaarsuvius seemed taken aback. The fight drained out of him again and he ran a hand through shaggy hair. “How...How is that of any relevance?” he asked weakly, shaking his head.

    “Hmpf. If'n ye knew tha what ye were doin' was wrong when ye did it, then ye'd be right ta regret it,” Durkon paused to take a long, hard drink from his own cup. He wiped his beard with the back of his hand, then said, “But if'n it seemed like tha right thing ta do, then where's tha sense 'n kickin' yerself o'er it? Jus' remember tha mistake fer tha future so's not ta make it agin. Try ta undo any damage ye think ye've caused, but dinnae lose yerself 'n it.”

    Vaarsuvius stared bleakly into his own cup, then took a swig from it, saying nothing. Durkon gave him a hard look. “'n fact,” he said, “I'm surprised atchye, V. I al'ays thought ye ta be too pract'cal an' pragmatic to dwell on tha past like this. I'd haf expect'd ye ta shrug an' say tha nuthin' cannae be dun fer tha an'more. So why're ye so hun' up on this?”

    The elf's look was distant. He rubbed a hand over his face. “I am too pragmatic to... dwell on this. I am merely eval... evaluating my performance and drawing the... appropriate conclusions...”

    “Och, izzat so? An' what part o' those conclusions says ye hafta stay on yer feet without restin' till ye look like a bloody ghoul?” Durkon demanded.

    The elf glared in return for a moment before his gaze wavered. “Trancing is not... mandatory for elves. My appearance is irrelevant.”

    “Yer 'ppearance is rel'vant 'nsofar as it tells me tha tha lack o' trancin's havin' a bad effect on sumthin' which may na be jus' tha 'ppearance! Tha way ye've been actin' wit me an' Elan an' tha paladins, I def'nitely think it's na jus' tha 'ppearance!”

    Vaarsuvius let out a frustrated sigh. Though annoyed, he seemed more tired than ever, his frame was swaying and he seemed to be having trouble keeping his eyes open. “I have... no more patience for this and... I do not see the point.” His hands planted on the table, he tried to stand, but his legs buckled under him and he collapsed onto wobbling arms again. It was just as well, for Durkon had once again reached out to grab him and prevent escape.

    “Tha point,” the dwarf growled, “is tha I'm tryin' ta get ta tha bottom o' this, ye foolish elf. Whatev'r ye're sayin' aboot yer mistakes an' such... Ye've made mistakes before an' ye never went so guilt-ridd'n all o'er it, so tha cannae be all there is ta it. Ye're na actin' normal, an' I'm goin' ta try an' get ye back ta normal.”

    “I... I will most assuredly be back to normal as soon as... as soon as Miss Starshine is found,” the elf said.

    “Ye mean ta say if 'Miss Starshine' is found 'fore ye work yerself ta death lookin' fer 'er.”

    “Whichever comes first,” V shrugged.

    “O'er me dead body,” Durkon snorted. “Thor's nostrils! Why're ye so oppos'd ta trancin', anyway, if ye're na makin' any progress?”

    “Lack of... lack of success is no justification to damage one's future chances of succeeding.”

    “It's jus' four 'ours a day!”

    “And thus one-sixth of the entire day span and... conclusively, the time until our eventual reunion with Miss Starshine.”

    “So make it four 'ours ev'ry second or third day, it'd still be an improv'ment o'er na trancin' at all!”

    “The effect on my efficiency and efficacy would still be tang... tangible.”

    “What aboot tha 'ffect on yer 'fficacy 'cause yer too tired ta think straight, hmm?”

    “Negligible, my mental faculties are functioning as well as ever.”

    “Like hell they are, if'n ye cannae figure out what's wrong wit ye yerself!”

    Durkon!” the elf positively snarled as he tried to stand again, all unsteady limbs and sheer aggravation burning through the exhaustion. “I have quite simply had it with your ceaseless probing. This pointless exchange of barbs shows no sign of acquiring a purpose anytime... anytime soon, save to provide further proof that interro... interrogating me is a waste of your time. I will return to my research and h-hopefully hasten the resolution of this nonsense. Do not attempt to restrain me again.”

    “It's fer yer own good, ye stuck-up pixie!” Durkon cried angrily, reaching a hand towards Vaarsuvius.

    “Hold Pers-... ngh!” The elf jumped to her feet, hands gesturing a spell... or at least tried to, but with her coordination unsteady and haphazard, she stumbled over the bench or perhaps over her own legs and as her hands belatedly shot out to balance, the incantation was interrupupted and she crashed down onto him in a mass of unsteady limbs and voluminous robes.

    Durkon caught her.

    Very much belatedly, it occurred to him that he had just served a full cup of the finest and strongest dwarven beer to a wispy slip of a creature whose delicate drinking habits and tolerance of alcohol could almost be likened to those of a puny, undernourished monk.

    In the moments that followed, Vaarsuvius tried to disentangle herself as best as she could with her ruined coordination and her baggy robes that made the task even more difficult, all while hissing angrily, “V-very... very cunning, Durkon. An un... unorthodox way of disabling a spellcas... spellcaster... but...”She tried to straighten up but slipped, nearly tumbling down again. “...quite effective... I ought to given... to have given you more credit.” As her voice came to sound flat, she was more and more like a limp ragdoll and the efforts to get the elf to sit separately on her own again became increasingly one-sided on Durkon's part.

    “Dinnae be ridic'lous,” he grunted, “I dinnae plan fer tha. Twas Thor watchin' out fer me an' yer own foolishn'ss tryin' ta cast a spell.”

    “Yes, a... a spell to escape the clutches of a bored dwarf trying to give me... therapy against my... my own will, of course... what was I thinking... not at all an appropr... 'propriate response to....”

    Vaarsuvius fell silent.

    Sometime between one moment and the next, Durkon found himself with an armful of completely limp elf, very much like a messy bundle of red laundry with a few gangly limbs sticking out here and there. And a head, the purple hair tickling his nose.

    The cup was empty. Or near enough that it didn't count.

    Durkon carefully tried to lift the elf off of him, but Vaarsuvius tensed and shifted slightly, muttering something too softly for him to hear. Durkon halted, staring down at the purple in front of his face with a puzzled frown. Rather than flat passed out, Vaarsuvius seemed somewhere between drowsy and merely drifted off, as if he could bolt wide awake any moment.

    He'd finally gotten the elf to trance. For today, at least. As always, Thor's holy beer was proving the ultimate solution in a way the elf's magic could only hope to rival.

    With no way to remove the elf without risking jostling him awake, Durkon shifted to sit a bit more comfortably.

    It was going to be a long night.
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-10-20 at 06:30 PM.
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  13. - Top - End - #223
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Wow. I disappear for a couple of days and now I have so much stuff to wade through.

    Made this yesterday. I'm not that great with Illustrator so I hope it turned out all right...



    I think I'll be taking a short break from the internet (oh, who am I kidding?) to study for final exams. Be back in about a month. Though it's just as likely that I'll be back here tomorrow...or this afternoon.

    Edit: And I guess if anyone wants to add the banner text, they can...

    Edit 2: Also, that was insanely cute, Kaytara. Actually, I would prefer if it stayed as a friendship fic instead of becoming a romance...that just seems wrong.
    Last edited by Saeyan; 2009-09-19 at 08:49 PM.

  14. - Top - End - #224
    Titan in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Eek. I take a day off, and 3 pages pop up.

    @ Discord: Hm... Chaotic Good, you say? Oh well... Never said he was being honest.


    @ Esmerelder: First story - Wow! Thats pretty good... And no, I don't get the LotR reference...

    Second story - Another example of excellent writing!


    @ Batrobin: VxTherkla - So. Many. Plotholes!


    @ Cheesemuncher: Amazing drawings!


    @ Zanaril: VxSnarl - Well, that was unexpected...


    @ Belkster11: Drawing - Why don't I get this?


    @ Dra-Goon: RoyBoneGolumxRoy'sSword - WHAT THE CRAP!? HAH HAH HAH!!



    I know there are about 4-5 stories I haven't gotten around to yet... I can't handle too much at once, you know!
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  15. - Top - End - #225
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Flumph

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    Wow. I disappear for a couple of days and now I have so much stuff to wade through.

    Made this yesterday. I'm not that great with Illustrator so I hope it turned out all right...


    V and A look a bit sad.

    I wonder if a V/A/I love triangle would work? AxV, IxA, and VxI...

  16. - Top - End - #226
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Dra-Goon View Post
    V and A look a bit sad.

    I wonder if a V/A/I love triangle would work? AxV, IxA, and VxI...
    Threesome!

    Spoiler
    Show

    Vaarsuvius stared in horror. "But you... him...I..."

    Aarindarius blushed, moving away from the elf he had until a moment ago been passionately locking lips with. Inkyrius just scowled, glaring at the ex-mate that had just burst into the wizard's tower babbling apologies.

    "You're surprised?" Inkyrius said incredulously, as Aarindarius pulled his robe back on.

    "How could you?" V said, too distressed to think of anything else to say.

    "You're no longer my mate, you agreed to that. You expected me never to find love again?"

    "But... with Aarindarius?!"

    "We've always been close. And Inkyrius does have a point; you no longer have any say in these matters." The other wizard said with a shrug.

    "But..." Vaarsuvius said, turning back to Inkyrius. "I still love you." The elf whispered.

    "I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Aarindarius now. Unless..." Inkyrius turned to look at the older wizard, raising an eyebrow. Aarindarius considered for a second, then nodded, smiling.

    "What-" Vaarsuvius started, then was silenced by Inkyrius' lips. The wizard hesitated, then uncertainly hugged the baker. And then jumped as someone else began stroking her hair; Aarindarius had stood up and walked over to them. Inkyrius broke away from the kiss.

    "Lets go to my bedroom" The older wizard suggested, starting towards the stairs. Inkyrius followed, smiling and leading a confused Vaarsuvius by the hand.

    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-09-20 at 02:19 PM. Reason: I can't believe I just wrote that.
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  17. - Top - End - #227
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Threesome!
    Which reminds me I always expected your VxZ & IxA story to end up in a foursome.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  18. - Top - End - #228
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Which reminds me I always expected your VxZ & IxA story to end up in a foursome.
    I'll write that as an alternative ending.

    I'm actually having trouble deciding what should happen at the end. After #679 I have the urge to give V a happy ending.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-09-20 at 05:08 AM.
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  19. - Top - End - #229
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    cool Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I have not read this entire thread because I want to keep my sanity intact.

    But I can so totally see Haley dominating and then castrating Redcloak.

    My sanity is a hit and miss thing.

  20. - Top - End - #230
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Ghostwheel View Post
    I have not read this entire thread because I want to keep my sanity intact.
    Don't worry about your sanity; most of these stories end up being cute rather than disturbing.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-09-20 at 06:25 AM.
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  21. - Top - End - #231
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    cool Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Don't worry about your sanity; most of these stories thread end up being cute rather than disturbing.
    I know. Thanks for the interest.

  22. - Top - End - #232
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    Edit: And I guess if anyone wants to add the banner text, they can...
    Hera you go



    EDIT : Alternate ending... type thing

    Last edited by Funky Goose; 2009-09-20 at 08:42 AM.
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  23. - Top - End - #233
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    My dice have given to me the most diabolical pairing in this entire thread, which for sanity reasons will be within this spoiler.

    Spoiler
    Show
    The Really Dangerous Trap(x3)xAll the Demon Roaches at Once(x2)xRoy's ArchonxCeliaxHinjoxKazumi


    If you were foolish enough to open the spoiler, then congratulations! You will never be able to unread that! Aren't you lucky?
    Last edited by Thor Person Guy; 2009-09-20 at 09:12 AM.
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  24. - Top - End - #234
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    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Thor Person Guy: I DARE you to actually write that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    Edit 2: Also, that was insanely cute, Kaytara. Actually, I would prefer if it stayed as a friendship fic instead of becoming a romance...that just seems wrong.
    Thanks. :)

    Yeah, it doesn't seem right to me, either. It's also pretty much impossible to manage while keeping them in-character, too, what with Durkon being so Lawful and V being married and Durkon knowing about V being married and V not being exactly at the height of his elven attractiveness what with the trance deprivation and everything...

    I mean, I could do something cheesy like having them accidentally slip and end up kissing each other, but that's really a bit too juvenile and shallow for the complicated psychological build-up I've tried to establish here.

    Ah well, nobody says a pairing has to be romantic, anyway.
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-09-20 at 09:53 AM.
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  25. - Top - End - #235
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Ah well, nobody says a pairing has to be romantic, anyway.
    It would still be cute to have V snuggling up to Durkon while trancing, and Durkon getting embarassed.
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  26. - Top - End - #236
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Thor Person Guy: I DARE you to actually write that.
    No. Way. I am nowhere near skilled/demented enough to try that. I will, however, offer you my attempt at one of the things I rolled up a while ago:

    Spoiler
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    Kazumi felt like such a fool. Everyone knows you shouldn’t accept belts from shady vendors. Now he was going to have to use his vacation and sick days to figure a way out of this mess. Perhaps Lord Shojo would know what to do…



    As he approached the throne room, Kazumi could swear he heard the sound of someone yelling, followed by the dismissal of a brown-skinned warrior and an apparently mute red-head. As he opened the door, Kazumi called, “Lord Shojo, is everything alright?”

    Shojo looked up to find the source of this new voice, and found that he suddenly could not breathe. For no matter how hard he tried, he found that he could not look away from the handsome young man before him. “Er, yes,” he said, “Everything is just fine.” The young man then began to speak, but whatever he said was lost on Shojo, for he could not stop focusing on his handsome face, his large muscles, and his broad shoulders.

    “Lord Shojo? Did you hear me?” Shojo suddenly looked as though he had come out of a daze. “Um, yes. I shall have to consult Mr. Scruffy. Come to my bedchamber later, and I will see if I can make your worries go away.” Kazumi shrugged and walked away.



    Later that evening, Kazumi did as he was instructed and found his way to Lord Shojo’s bedchamber. When he opened the door, he froze. There were scented candles everywhere. He picked one up and it said “Passion”. There was a trail of rose petals leading to the bed, where Shojo seemed to waiting for him…


    O-kaaaay, I have officially freaked myself out.

    Erm, comments?

    Edit: Corrected gender-related pronoun errors
    Last edited by Thor Person Guy; 2009-09-20 at 01:02 PM.
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  27. - Top - End - #237
    Pixie in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Thor Person Guy View Post

    Erm, comments?
    Kazumi's gender keeps osciallating between female and male

    That aside, less disturbing than I had expected.

  28. - Top - End - #238
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Dra-Goon View Post
    Kazumi's gender keeps osciallating between female and male
    Kazumi is Vaarsuvius!
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  29. - Top - End - #239
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Kazumi is Vaarsuvius!
    NOOOOOOO! V's androgynous-ness is contagious! Everyone run for your lives!

    Also Thor Person Guy, good work, loved reading it. You too Zanaril, loved the way it went from awkward to threesome at the drop of a hat. Also, nice banner Funky Ghoose, you continue to impress.

    NOW RUN! THE VAARSUVIUS SYNDROME IS SPREADING!
    Last edited by Malkar Grumbo; 2009-09-20 at 01:32 PM.
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  30. - Top - End - #240
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Malkar Grumbo View Post
    NOOOOOOO! V's androgynous-ness is contagious! Everyone run for your lives!
    !
    *sticks around to catch some* Hey, I wouldn't say no to being a handsome/gorgeous androgynous elf who's as romantically successful as fanon!V seems to be! (Canon!V's romantic life is another proposition entirely, though...)

    @ Kaytara - Your last update was awesome! Somehow the image of Durkon bossily sitting V down and feeding hir soup makes me extremely happy. And the image of him stuck with an armful of sleepy drunk elf is just overwhelmingly cute.

    @ Zanaril - It's not just a threesome, it's a Vsome! So cute, love it!

    @ Saeyan - love the banner as well!

    @ Ghostwheel - Sanity is *massively* overrated, trust us!

    @ Malkar Grumbo, Kaytara and Carnivorous M - thank you! But the question is, can I aspire to be a *sexy shoeless* god of fic?


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

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