Crack Pairings VII - Bring Bottled Water, Our Water is Spiked With Love Potion

[CoffeeIncluded]

Yeah... did I mention that V and the elf with the molten eyes are possibly brother and sister?

...*Vomits up buttered roll*

Yeah, but it takes me a long time to compose replies and I just got back from eating. We got ice cream sundaes today! :D

Yay! Ice cream makes everything better!

I wish I could share a vermonster digitally...

The non-elves are less likely to be her father, but since she looks mostly like Aula, it's not too much of a stretch to say that she is only half elf and she just had the luck of looking like a whole elf.

Is that even possible?

Yep.

*Revs up rusted chainsaw and grabs a bottle of silica gel, AKA "Cancer powder"* Don't mind me.

[Aaron]

Tia's significant other:


...How...Many???


Remember that loving description I gave a while ago?

Run Tia! RUN!!!


*Gets out telescope* Currently 843... and counting.

Well, Aula has a bigger appetite than Tiberius, and he can't always keep up, so she has unprotected sex with any old person who drops by. He doesn't mind, but it can make for awkward paternity issues. (Of Vaarsuvius's potential fathers there's an orc, an incubus, an aquatic hobgoblin, the father of the elf with the molten eyes, and a celestial.) Vaarsuvius is blissfully unaware of her potential ancestry.

*Vomits* Oh God...

...*Vomits up buttered roll*

Is that even possible?

*makes a Knowledge (parental) check*
Unfortunately, it is possible.

*Revs up rusted chainsaw and grabs a bottle of silica gel, AKA "Cancer powder"* Don't mind me.

I think you need another round of Holy Brain Bleach, my dear.

[Sereg]

Is that even possible?

It is entirely possible for a child to resemble one parent more than the other and it is more likely to be the mother. This is especially true when the child is still young.

Oh, and I wanted to continue my soulborn joke once I’d finished double checking the source book:
lvl 2 soulborn: My eyes have changed colour to prove that I can use incarnum…except I can’t.
lvl 3 soulborn: I am still an incarnum user and I still can’t use incarnum.

Alright. I’ve got the first part of my Tsukiko/Shinji the Necrocarnate fic done. So here is Part 1 of “Body and Soul”:

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Tsukiko didn’t expect to see anyone as she walked into the temple. She always chose times that were less popular so that she could avoid the judging eyes of the people worshipping at the shrines of Dragon and the other more popular deities. She didn’t mind though. Her time with Rat was private. Once again she had dressed in black, his sacred colour. When she was ready, she would only wear that colour. She was Rat’s servant and would son be one of his clerics, few though they were. Rat had dominion over disease and the dead. He had taken her parents from her. That was part of his wisdom. They had served their purpose in life. Now they would continue on in the afterlife. Her duty was still in the mortal realm. She had to show others the importance of her god’s work. Therefore, she was surprised to discover that not only was the temple not empty, but that the individual occupying it was praying at Rat’s shrine.


“Don’t you think that it’s a little inappropriate to wear a crown in the temple.” she asked. The crown in question was black and had screaming faces carved into it. It didn’t shift in his navy hair as he got up and stared at her with blood-red pupils. She found the image disturbing, yet somehow erotic. He was wearing green gloves that appeared wet and looked as though they wear several sizes too large, yet somehow continued to float around his hands. He stared at her with a furrowed expression. Her youthfulness was accentuated by her pigtails and her heterochromia was rather adorable. He relaxed at the sight of the colour she wore and the fact that she didn’t seem to understand his powers. She was not a paladin whom would smite him upon recognition of what he was. “I would have left it at the door with my axe,” he began, “but if I take it off, it will disappear and I won’t be able to get it back before tomorrow morning. That would be inconvenient for me.” She seemed to accept that ths was not something that she was ready to understand. She placed the box conyaining her offering on the shrine and said, “I’m Tsukiko, who are you?”
“A beautiful name.” he answered, “Mine is Shinji.”
“A pleasure to meet someone who recognizes the importance of Rat.” she said.
“The pleasure is mine.” he answered, “Rat is the only god in our pantheon who has the right ideas as to what must be done. If only more recognized him as we do.”
“That is why I come to serve when the temple is empty.” said Tsukiko, “I am training to become his cleric.”
“I’m sure that you would make a fine one to.” Shinji answered, “There are too few who pay there respects to the dead. I watch as they bring the corpses to the tombs. They dedicate them to Rat and are to afraid to return to visit their loved ones and thank Rat for bringing those loved ones to him. They do not deserve this mercy that Rat gives them. Rat will reward those who see this. Those who find superior ways to serve him.” Tsukiko shivered. This man excited her. He spoke with such passion about things dear to her heart. The idea of watching a burial unseen also thrilled her. “Do you often watch these burials?” she asked, “It sounds exciting!” Shinji smiled. Yes, he spent a lot of time making sure that he attended as many funerals as possible. After all, fresh corpses were important to his work. “Yes,” he replied “even when there are no funerals, I still visit the graves. Perhaps you’d like to come with me?”
Tsukiko giggled mischievously. “Are you asking me out on a date?” she asked.
“I believe that I am.” replied Shinji.

[Penny67]

Haley+Argent+Windstriker In a jail/dungeon+truth, dare, or command.


not touching this one.
brb...

[Nathander]

Hey guys, sorry I've been gone so long but I've had a lot of schoolwork piling up. I don't really have the time to go through all 45 pages of the thread I missed, so I'm wondering what're some things I've really missed while I've been gone.

Also, these drinks aren't half bad.

[Asta Kask]

My Internet connection died for three days, which is bad. Apparently there's something called "life" out there. I don't trust it, though.

ShinyDelusion, CoffeeIncluded, Water-Smurf and everyone else I forgot about - I loved your stories. It does seem a bit out of character for Haley to kill herself, I see her more as a "track down the bastard and make him suffer!" And I can picture the Talk with Tiasal and Redcloak...

Tia "But parent, where do the cucumbers come in?"
RC "... "

Water-Smurf, sorry you feel bad.

*hugs*

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But I'll think of something else for tomorrow.

[Draconi Redfir]

im kinda hopeing a new thread will be made soon with all the fics from this one in the first post. im starting to run out of watersmurfs stories XD

edit: watersmurf! part 8 of the red/V spawnfic is on devinart, and i cant read it without an account! >.<

like you slightly less now >_>

[Lix Lorn]

Why don't you just make an account? XD

[Asta Kask]

Much too easy. Then he'd have nothing to be emo about.

[Lix Lorn]

Ah, but he could emo about how sad the fics are. XD

[Zanaril]

Yeah... did I mention that V and the elf with the molten eyes are possibly brother and sister?

At which point we've taken a sharp swerve through tragedy and are headed swiftly towards black comedy.

The non-elves are less likely to be her father, but since she looks mostly like Aula, it's not too much of a stretch to say that she is only half elf and she just had the luck of looking like a whole elf.

I wonder if anything will skip a generation... As if half elf/half goblin wasn't enough of a mix.

Ah, but he could emo about how sad the fics are. XD

Do I need to fetch the brain bleach again?

[Lix Lorn]

Who's the elf with the molten eyes again?

Haha. XD

Quite possibly. DXD

[Asta Kask]

I don't think anyone with molten eyes is likely to be voted Mr. Sexy (or Mrs. Sexy, for that matter) anywhere in the universe.

[Belkster11]

I plan on doing Durkon and Haley. :)

[Conuly]

I plan on doing Durkon and Haley. :)

Yeah, I can see that. But who are you going to write about?

[Water-Smurf]

...*Vomits up buttered roll*

Yeah. But it's a small chance--Aula slept with Aegidius's best friend's father four times (by the way, the father's married and supposed to be monogamous) during the general time she became pregnant with Vaarsuvius, and she slept with tons of different men, some of which many times more than him (Aarindarius and Tiberius among them), during the same time period. Aarindarius and Tiberius have a higher chance of being fathers.

Yay! Ice cream makes everything better!

I wish I could share a vermonster digitally...

Be happy you can't. I'd scarf half of it down and make myself sick.

Is that even possible?

I have a friend who has a black grandparent on both sides of the family, making her half-black, who looks so white that I would have difficulty finding her in snow. No one believes her when she says that she has African ancestry because she looks like she's straight out of the English colonies. If that's possible, then this is possible.

*Vomits* Oh God...

Which part makes you sick?

My Internet connection died for three days, which is bad. Apparently there's something called "life" out there. I don't trust it, though.

What is this mystical 'life' of which you speak? I hear people speak of it, but the concept is foreign to me...

And I can picture the Talk with Tiasal and Redcloak...

Tia "But parent, where do the cucumbers come in?"
RC "... "

Okay, now I really want to write this. :>

Water-Smurf, sorry you feel bad.

*hugs*

*curls against Asta Kask* *purrs softly*

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[ I made you a cookie, but I eated it. :< ]

But I'll think of something else for tomorrow.

Awwwwwwwwwwww... Kitty! :D

edit: watersmurf! part 8 of the red/V spawnfic is on devinart, and i cant read it without an account! >.<

like you slightly less now >_>

It's a simple matter to make an account, and then you'll be able to read Of All the Ways to Lose Someone.

At which point we've taken a sharp swerve through tragedy and are headed swiftly towards black comedy.

Yeah. Vaarsuvius and the elf with the molten eyes are probably better off never finding out about their potential relationship. As if things weren't screwed up already, huh?

I wonder if anything will skip a generation... As if half elf/half goblin wasn't enough of a mix.

Who knows? Maybe one of the kids Reddy and V have will be a little more revealing about their full ancestry.

Who's the elf with the molten eyes again?

Vaarsuvius's first sexual experience.

Not a nice kid.

It's in CoP--did you read it?

[Lix Lorn]

Ohyeah. I do now. DX

[Asta Kask]

...*Vomits up buttered roll*

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[icastflare!]

It does seem a bit out of character for Haley to kill herself, I see her more as a "track down the bastard and make him suffer!"

eh sue me, I felt a tragic ending was in place and technically with durkon not appearing in this story of the series so it seems that the afterlife would be the next best thing, because they share the same alignment of chaotic good

[CoffeeIncluded]

Yeah. But it's a small chance--Aula slept with Aegidius's best friend's father four times (by the way, the father's married and supposed to be monogamous) during the general time she became pregnant with Vaarsuvius, and she slept with tons of different men, some of which many times more than him (Aarindarius and Tiberius among them), during the same time period. Aarindarius and Tiberius have a higher chance of being fathers.

That's...Oddly specific.

Be happy you can't. I'd scarf half of it down and make myself sick.

No, because I would eat it first. And not get sick.

Who knows? Maybe one of the kids Reddy and V have will be a little more revealing about their full ancestry.

And from this, you'll have another entire story weaving itself in my head.

I should know. That's what happened with Murphy's Law. And I've already got the threads for a sequel appearing out of nowhere as of today...

Vaarsuvius's first sexual experience.

Not a nice kid.

That's an understatement, just so you know.

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That trope in particular squicks me out so badly... Did I mention that B and his sister are twins? And that his sister is my friend? And I'm straight?

[Asta Kask]

That trope in particular squicks me out so badly...

Yeah, if I really wanted to squick you out, that's probably the way I'd go...

[CoffeeIncluded]

Yeah, if I really wanted to squick you out, that's probably the way I'd go...

I can't believe I just told you my weakness.

[Closak]

Wait, sibling incest squicks Coffee out?

...[INSERT EVIL GRIN HERE]



"We do not like where this is going"
"Silence you-"
"If you call us stupid machine one more time we will shoot you"
"..."

[Asta Kask]

I can't believe I just told you my weakness.

I had actually guessed at it already... you learn a surprising amount of things just by reading people's posts.

Wait, sibling incest squicks Coffee out?

...[INSERT EVIL GRIN HERE]

Now, now. No pulling girls' hair in the playground. Otherwise she'll tear you a new one.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I had actually guessed at it already... you learn a surprising amount of things just by reading people's posts.

Like what? And how did you guess?

Now, now. No pulling girls' hair in the playground. Otherwise she'll tear you a new one.

Thank you.

I'm actually going to type up a "Bio essay" like the one you did with "Elves and Ears" in a bit.

[Aaron]

Do I need to fetch the brain bleach again?

Looks like it.

Which part makes you sick?

The same part that made Coffee sick.

What is this mystical 'life' of which you speak? I hear people speak of it, but the concept is foreign to me...

It's this world where you're not just sitting in front of a computer.

I can't believe I just told you my weakness.

*takes notes for future use*

[Asta Kask]

Like what? And how did you guess?

You always reacted very strongly to incest stories, and especially to twincest stories. It's not exactly rocket science, but after seeing this in response to allusions of brother/sister incest three or four times I guessed... not necessarily that it was your weakest point, but that it was a weak point.

But I wouldn't use it on you unless it was a special occasion. When's your birthday?

Anyhoo, we should get back on topic before Roland brings out the big red hammer.

[Draconi Redfir]

It's a simple matter to make an account, and then you'll be able to read Of All the Ways to Lose Someone.

i dun wanna! >.< i dont know why but i dont wanna!

I'm actually going to type up a "Bio essay" like the one you did with "Elves and Ears" in a bit.

o.o were is this essay? i want to read it! >:D




and im not an Emo!

[CoffeeIncluded]

You always reacted very strongly to incest stories, and especially to twincest stories. It's not exactly rocket science, but after seeing this in response to allusions of brother/sister incest three or four times I guessed... not necessarily that it was your weakest point, but that it was a weak point.

But I wouldn't use it on you unless it was a special occasion. When's your birthday?

Anyhoo, we should get back on topic before Roland brings out the big red hammer.

Ah, of course.

Done and done!

(Remember that Elves and Ears thing you did? Well...)

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Interestingly, and to the great frustration of elven cross-species lovers everywhere, the rate of unintended pregnancy in respect to cross-species lovers is much higher than the average unintended pregnancy rate, especially when the female is an elf. This occurs even when protection spells (Most commonly, a simple abjuration cantrip that is a slight modification of Resistance and Prestidigitation), are used. Research indicates that both this protection spell and natural biological factors are to blame.

This protection spell boasts a 97% success rate at preventing unintended pregnancies. Of the remaining 3%, most of the cases result from a misuse of the spell (The spell, though simple, requires both verbal and somatic components, and a range of touch. Furthermore, once applied, the spell causes a slight prickling sensation on the area touched; although it quickly fades, it is certainly uncomfortable.) However, the failure rate more than doubles when the participants are of different species, and more than quintuples when the female participant is an elf (This study assumes that there are two participants of opposite genders.)

Oddly enough, the spell varies slightly for each species. There is a protection spell designed for humans, a protection spell designed for orcs, and so forth. Therein lies the problem.

It is common knowledge that elves are highly androgynous. It is the rare elf that exhibits obvious gender traits, and many adventuring parties which include elves never know the gender of the elf or elves in the party. However, this androgyny extends beyond gender typing into actual biological characteristics.

All elves have a slight stature and build. Their bones are much lighter than that of other humanoids, and much more flexible as a result. However, this makes their skeletal structure much less able to handle the abuse that other humanoids can weather. As a result, elves have a lithe body structure that appears effeminate even on males. This extends beyond the skeletal structure, as elves have different hormone levels than other humanoids. Male elves in particular have much lower testosterone levels than other humanoids. This keeps their body slight and light enough for their bones to easily handle, but also prevents a deepening voice, severely hinders facial hair growth, and sharply decreases sperm count.

This last one is the solution to the problem that plagues so many cross-species lovers. When an elf uses a protection spell on a male of any other species, a protection spell that is designed for elves, it is simply not powerful enough. A different protection spell, one designed for the males' species, must be used.

It is unfortunate that so few people know this. This new knowledge must be widely spread to as to prevent any more of these issues amongst cross-species couples.

...Well?

[Draconi Redfir]

forget fan ficition, lets just write more fictional nature programs