Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

[doliest]

...I claim oldest kid; I've been involved since the early days of the first thread....I just took a vacation is all.

[Zanaril]

Zanaril is the dad.

Wait, what?

I'm obviously the Other Parent.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Whee! I promise not to pinch peoples' cheeks!

[The Dark Fiddler]

Zanaril is the dad.

I may be wrong here, but... isn't Zanaril the wrong gender for that?

[Zanaril]

I may be wrong here, but... isn't Zanaril the wrong gender for that?

You'd be right.

But since when did we let gender get in the way of crackiness?

[The Dark Fiddler]

This isn't crack, this is using the proper noun! That's so important, that anybody who doesn't do such should implode

[ClericOfBelker]

Who is this "Zanrill" you speak of?

Ficsed it! (Wa Wa Waaaaaa)

Edit:

Wait a minute, does that mean that the majority of the family is part dragon?

(ABD is married to Closak)

[BatRobin]

*whine* *sad eyes*

Wait a minute, does that mean that the majority of the family is part dragon?

The majority of the family is part-crazy. other half also crazy.

[doliest]

....Parent and Other Parent work better any way considering that Elves are the thread bicycle.

[Silverraptor]

Meh. Can't roll anything good. And then I remembered my trademark.

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What was left of the explosion site was a crater of sand and occasional glass. Suddenly, part of the sand gives way and Haley emerges from it.

*Gasp* "Elan!"

"Down here." His voice sounds somewhat muffled.

"Don't Worry! I'll Dig You Out!" She hurriedly digs in the sand where she heard Elan's voice. Finally, she feels something hard and manages to uncover Elan's face.

"Thanks Haley. But now I have sand in my pants."

"Well, atleast you're alright." She continues to dig him out.

"Well, not exactly. I still lost a lot of my hitpoints."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I managed to dodge most of it, but I still got scraped up a bit. There you go. You can pull yourself out now."

"Alright then." He extracts himself from the sand. Haley gasps as she see's burns all along him.

"Oh My Gods! Your seriously hurt!"

"Well you're hurt too. Here, Mass Cure light wounds!" He does this several times, healing Haley all the way and getting rid of his burns.

"Wow. Thanks Elan."

"No problem. Ouch!"

"What's wrong?!"

"My foot hurts a little. And I used up all my heal spells."

"Don't worry. Durkon will heal it."

"Ya. Okay. Let's get out of here, before that vulture gets us."

"What vulture."

"That bird up there that keeps circling us."

"Huh. Well that's not a vulture. It looks like a raven, but what is it doing all the way out here?"

The bird flies in front of them. "Hurry! Vaarsuvius is really hurt!"

"Cool! The bird talks! How did it learn that? Or maybe it's part parrot!"

"Highly unlikely, honey. It appears it is a wizard's familiar. Though why do you know Vaarsuvius?"

"Because I'm Vaarsuvius's familiar! You named me remember?!"

"I did? And Vaarsuvius has a raven familiar?"

"There's no time to explain! Vaarsuvius is in negative hitpoints!

"What?! Seriously?!"

"Yes! Now come on!" The bird flies off.

Elan and Haley hurries after it. Shortly, they see a crumpled heap of red robes in the sand.

"Vaarsuvius!" They reach the body and hurriedly pulls it out. *Whew* "V made her stabilization roll."

"Stabilization roll?"

"Ya. You get a 10% chance to stabilize when you get negative hitpoints."

"Oh. Well I knew Vaarsuvius would have made it. His 10% is one in a million."

"...
..Right... Anyways. I'm going to get Durkon. Vaarsuvius is unconcious."

"Okay. Hurry back!" And Haley hurries off. Elan looks at Vaarsuvius. "You know, I remember hearing something about this. Now what was it... Oh! I rememeber!"

Elan hurries over and presses his lips to the elf's. Almost immediately, the elf stirs and then starts pushing Elan away.

Elan quickly pulls back. "Vaarsuvius! Your awake!"

The Elf is retching and coughing. "I... absolutely implore... You Do *NOT* Do That Ever Again!!! Or Else I Will Not Be Able To Sing Again!!"

"Awww... But that's alright. I've been giving Haley lessons. By the way. Your lips sure feel different from Haley's."

---------------

As Haley brings over the rest of the group, they notice an awake Vaarsuvius wrestling with Elan with both hands clamped firmly around his throat.

How was that?

[ClericOfBelker]

Meh. Can't roll anything good. And then I remembered my trademark.

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What was left of the explosion site was a crater of sand and occasional glass. Suddenly, part of the sand gives way and Haley emerges from it.

*Gasp* "Elan!"

"Down here." His voice sounds somewhat muffled.

"Don't Worry! I'll Dig You Out!" She hurriedly digs in the sand where she heard Elan's voice. Finally, she feels something hard and manages to uncover Elan's face.

"Thanks Haley. But now I have sand in my pants."

"Well, atleast you're alright." She continues to dig him out.

"Well, not exactly. I still lost a lot of my hitpoints."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I managed to dodge most of it, but I still got scraped up a bit. There you go. You can pull yourself out now."

"Alright then." He extracts himself from the sand. Haley gasps as she see's burns all along him.

"Oh My Gods! Yoour seriously hurt!"

"Well you're hurt too. Here, Mass Cure light wounds!" He does this several times, healing Haley all the way and getting rid of his burns.

"Wow. Thanks Elan."

"No problem. Ouch!"

"What's wrong?!"

"My foot hurts a little. And I used up all my heal spells."

"Don't worry. Durkon will heal it."

"Ya. Okay. Let's get out of here. Before that vulture gets us."

"What vulture."

"That bird up there that keeps circling us."

"Huh. Well that's not a vulture. It looks like a raven, but what is it doing all the way out here?"

The bird flies in front of them. "Hurry! Vaarsuvius is really hurt!"

"Cool! The bird talks! How did it learn that? Or maybe it's part parrot!"

"Highly unlikely, honey. It appears it is a wizard's familiar. Though why do you know Vaarsuvius?"

"Because I'm Vaarsuvius's familiar! You named me remember?!"

"I did? And Vaarsuvius has a raven familiar?"

"There's no time to explain! Vaarsuvius is in negative hitpoints!

"What?! Seriously?!"

"Yes! Now come on!" The bird flies off.

Elan and Haley hurries after it. Shortly, they see a crumpled heap of red robes in the sand.

"Vaarsuvius!" They reach the body and hurriedly pulls it out. *Whew* "V made her stabilization roll."

"Stabilization roll?"

"Ya. You get a 10% chance to stabilize when you get negative hitpoints."

"Oh. Well I knew Vaarsuvius would have made it. His 10% is one in a million."

"...
..Right... Anyways. I'm going to get Durkon. Vaarsuvius is unconcious."

"Okay. Hurry back!" And Haley hurries off. Elan looks at Vaarsuvius. "You know, I remember hearing something about this. Now what was it... Oh! I rememeber!"

Elan hurries over and presses his lips to the elf's. Almost immediately, the elf stirs and then starts pushing Elan away.

Elan quickly pulls back. "Vaarsuvius! Your awake!"

The Elf is retching and coughing. "I... absolutely implore... You Do *NOT* Do That Ever Again!!! Or Else I Will Not Be Able To Sing Again!!"

"Awww... But that's alright. I've been giving Haley lessons. By the way. Your lips sure feel different from Haley's."

---------------

As Haley brings over the rest of the group, they notice an awake Vaarsuvius wrestling with Elan with both hands clamped firmly around his throat.

How was that?

The last part made me lol!

[CoffeeIncluded]

Somehow the last part is extremely believable.

And why do I feel that either his or mine will end up canon in the next comic?

[Silverraptor]

Somehow the last part is extremely believable.

And why do I feel that either his or mine will end up canon in the next comic?

Well, I don't think mine will quite become canon.

[Water-Smurf]

Thanks for the support, guys. Really.

The proceeding message/replies are spoiler'd for length.

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The cruelty, while bad, isn't out of character, but the thought that went into that deal with the cleric is a bit much for him, IMHO. He's a hammer, not a watch.

That's the point. (Spoiler'd for English/Psychology nerdism.)

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Xykon, as we know him, doesn't have a particularly refined sense of strategy or cruelty. If he wants to hurt someone, he'll just kill them. But SoD proves that, even at his age, he's capable of change. When he was alive, he was little more than a lackey, and while he didn't understand why, he didn't have the potential to lead. After he died, he became clever and learned how to manipulate people, even learning how to plan ahead. (That whole thing with Right-Eye...)

When Redcloak betrayed Xykon, he went through another one of those 'aha!' growth phases. Xykon had thought that the Right-Eye thing guaranteed Reddy's eternal loyalty. It was the ultimate exploitation of Redcloak's biggest flaw. Surely Redcloak would never show the strength of character to do the one thing that forced him to face the worthlessness of all the death.

But he did.

That was the first clue for Xykon about the strength of Redcloak's emotions. Sure, he likes pretending that he's driven by logic and reason, but really, his attachments to people and his guilt over the things he has done (and subsequent desire to deny responsibility) has him on strings. Since Xykon didn't know about Tiasal, it seemed like Redcloak was willing to face what he had done because of his fury over Vaarsuvius's murder. When Xykon looked back on all the other things he had put Reddy through, that spoke a lot for his love for V. It was the first time Xykon realized the depth of their feelings for each other, that they even had feelings for each other. Up to then, he genuinely thought that it was nothing more than a booty call that ended in a stillborn kid.

Of course, he decided that Redcloak had to be driven mostly by a sense of responsibility. Xykon really doesn't understand love. He's a sociopath--incapable of guilt, love, or empathy--so he can't possibly grasp how Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's feelings for each other can effect their behavior. He thinks that Redcloak got V knocked up and, because of his Lawfulness and the guilt he already carries around, he considers her his priority, even beyond the Plan.

So, after reading that, add fifteen years of reflection time for Xykon.

He already had Master in his employment. In exchange for healing, a place to stay/make a base of operations, and the help of him and his children, Xykon had promised power and that he wouldn't fry Master. Master craves power, especially power over those that he hates or can't understand. He loves the feeling of breaking people down. He especially loves the feeling of breaking those stuck-up elves down, or vulgar dwarves, or barbaric goblins. He loves doing what he does to children just as much for a power high as he does for titillation and his lust for them (he's a genuine pedophile rather than just a psychopath. Even if he didn't have these issues over power, he'd still be a predator). He gets off on making them dead inside or using them or making them cry. If they are rebellious, as he perceives Tiasal to be, or if they are exotic/foreign, also like Tiasal, he goes out of his way to degrade and humiliate them, usually in sexual situations. Bonus points if they're his child. (Yeah, did I mention that? Many of the servant children are actually kids he sired with the children he got from the mountain town. Age-wise, he's very old, but magic has made it possible so that he has the virility of a young man and it has made it possible for him to continue living even when he's past the time other humans die. He gets off on fathering and re-fathering many generations of children forcefully--definitely one of his sicker fantasies. That's something he wants especially with the 'beautiful, dirty half-breed.' It's one of his ways of degradation.)

Xykon can understand this sort of depravity easily and exploits it by promising to provide foreign children once in a while, giving Master the means to elongate his life, youth, and virility more effectively so he can continue what he does indefinitely, and, in the event that they rule the world, Xykon promises to give Master a position of power where he can take in as many children as he wants.

Then Xykon has this little green-skinned, purple-haired girl thrown in his lap.

This puts a whole new layer on this. He has Redcloak's kid. Xykon may not be able to grasp the reason why, but he knows that Redcloak would be willing to do and face anything at all to keep any offspring of his safe.

Xykon thinks that this is just because of his Lawfulness. Sure, Redcloak may think that he loves Tiasal, but it's not true. It's impossible for Redcloak to have any sort of close attachment to something that isn't purely goblin--he hates anyone who isn't so therefore hates Tiasal especially for being his and for being part elf. (He really thinks that he was telling Tiasal the truth. That's why Tiasal believed him--she has a very refined sense of when people are lying or not, but it doesn't occur to her that they may not be telling a lie while still being completely wrong.)

Because the sledge-hammer tactics of 'If you betray me then your brother's death was worth nothing!' and 'I'll throw your baby mama's soul into the Snarl!' didn't work, Xykon had to think of a way to have more precise control over Redcloak. A vague overarching implication would only keep him in line until he found something that made him willing to deal with it. One big blanket threat was something Xykon had to keep to hang over Redcloak's head--if Redcloak made small betrayals, Xykon couldn't waste that one bit of leverage on them. He didn't want to learn how to manipulate anyone else and he found Redcloak too fun to have around. So what could he do this time to keep control?

Well, let's see. He has Reddy's daughter. He has a convenient pedophile on hand that would gleefully destroy everything that made her innocent.

It doesn't take a lot of tactical smarts to understand what to do.

Even though it's not usually his style to put so much thought into it, he puts this idea of degrees of punishments in place. For a small mistake on Redcloak's part, Xykon would let Master do what he wants with Tiasal while she's shirtless, but only shirtless. If Redcloak disobeys a direct order, then Master can rape her. If Redcloak tries to rebel but fails, then Master can impregnate Tiasal once she's capable of being pregnant. This allows for flexible disciplinary action, and unlike killing people, it can be done over and over and over again even for minor offenses. The hard part is making sure that Master goes along with this system.

Master isn't without a subversive side. Let's just say that he doesn't feel bound to listen to everything and anything Xykon tells him to do or not to do.

Though it would seem odd for the usual humorous, spacey Xykon to put so much thought into it, it's not completely out of character, even in the present. Don't confuse a lack of care with a lack of competency. He's clever and has a high Int score. He knows how to control his lackeys. After fifteen years, he's only tightened the reins.

Whew. Done.

Incidently, right near the end of your story, when Redcloak swears his loyalty, that would have been the perfect time to have Xykon says something like "And don't you forget it, bitch." It's certainly a good time for him to assert his dominance like that.

You know, I may steal that. Do you mind? (Assuming I give you credit?)

Out of curiosity, I remember you mentioning that you hadn't decided if the Spawnfic was canon to the other story. Did you make a decision regarding that?

I think, as it stands, it's up to the reader, though I'm leaning towards making it canon. That doesn't mean that I won't make different spawnfics, though. I still have different scenarios, though I think that I like Tiasal enough so that she'll be included in most if not all of them.

I can't seem to shake the idea that she's a Mary-Sue, though...

One thing though: Xykon was never told the real reason behind what RC wanted the gates for. All he did was tell Xykon that they could control the gates, and he worked the rest out himself.

It's pretty obvious that Reddy's ultimate goal is the rise of goblin society and social standing. Xykon doesn't understand the specifics of Redcloak's plan, but he can figure out what he wants.

Water-Smurf is the mom.
Zanaril is the dad.
Coffee is the aunt.
I'm a kid, as are you/doliest and ClericofBelkar.
Silverraptor is our cousin.
DarkFiddler and Closak are our soft wrinkly grandparents.

I'm a mommy! :D :D :D

And I finished another chapter of the Snarl story before I go to bed. Again, quality isn't so good, but it's something fun to work on. I think I'm titling it Pawns of the Gods.

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The non-human woman was the only source of light in the hall. Her skin illuminated the marble walls, throwing the odd designs on them in relief. Mijung and Yutrin curiously tried to look closer at the pictures, but the non-human woman was moving too fast. The most they could see were images of a woman shooting several girls with arrows, a man stealing a girl away to the underground, and a big man eating newborn babies with a crying woman watching. (Both Yutrin and Mijung jerked away with a gagging sound from that.)

Mijung frowned, jogging a little to keep up with the non-human woman, questions bubbling and jumping to the tip of her tongue. “You know Common, then?”

“Well, it is not so common a language if I do not speak it.” The non-human woman glanced at the walls wistfully, her mouth turned up in a melancholy smile. “I do not speak your language and you do not speak mine. It is by virtue of my cousin that we can communicate.”

“She cast a spell or something?” Kraagor asked, gravelly voice grinding against Yutrin’s sensitive eardrums.

“You can say that.”

Mijung frowned, looking back at where they had come from, unable to see through the darkness. It shifted as though it were alive, tentacles eating away at the walls and floor, and the woman instinctively flinched towards Yutrin, a motion he imitated. “Who are you? Where are we?”

The non-human woman kept walking, pace never faltering, and it felt as though they were going down a hallway that lasted for a hundred years. Yutrin’s and Mijung’s ears both perked a little, eager to hear the answers to the questions they had been asking themselves since they woke from their fevers, but Kraagor didn’t seem too interested. He kept on fingering his ax and looking around with almost paranoid frequency to see if something was about to leap out of the dark and eat them alive. “Who am I? I am many things. I am your home. I am your hearth. I am your hope. I am your inner fire and strength.” The woman slowly came to a dark doorway, smiling. “As for where we are… we are still attempting to define it.”

“Define it?”

She smiled, turning to face them, her illumination not going past the doorway. “It was once the first world, the old world. Now? It is the death of freedom and the graveyard of the gods.”

She was still smiling, but her skin was losing light and becoming increasingly ashen. Yutrin made a motion to touch her and see what was wrong, but she shrugged him off. “In fear, the home dies soon after wisdom and order. It dies with hope.”

Yutrin frowned in confusion. “You’re not making sense. Listen, I’m a cleric, I think I can—”

The non-human woman turned away. “Your god is young. New. I feel his power settled in your veins, yet I have never known him before.” She slowly reached into the doorway, her hand disappearing in the darkness as if eaten. “Even if he himself were here, he is not strong enough to help us.” She stepped inside, turning her head just enough so that they could see her eyes, fire burning in the sockets. “At the same time, he is not strong enough to hinder us.”

She dissolved in the darkness.

Yutrin blinked in confusion, backing away slowly from the door, eyes wide. He swallowed hard, an instinctive sense of overwhelming fear closing his throat, and he murmured a few prayers to the Dark One in Goblin to calm himself down. “Where…” He glanced back. “Mijung, I don’t think we should go in there.”

Kraagor warily took out his ax, keeping his grip tight, and Yutrin flinched away, eyeing the blade with fear. Mijung crossed her arms, absently rubbing her stomach and staring at the door. “Kraagor, don’t draw weapons. If anyone here wanted to hurt us, they would have already done it.”

Her words had more meaning than she led on. Yutrin edged towards her gratefully, still staring at Kraagor’s ax.

Kraagor looked down at his weapon, then at Yutrin and Mijung. With a huff, he glared at them both darkly, provoking a frown of confusion from Mijung, and he put his ax away. “Goblin, you go through the door first—make sure it’s safe.”

Yutrin shrunk a little, glancing at the dark door fearfully. Mijung puffed up, preparing to deliver a cold response to the dwarf, but the goblin nodded nervously, making a small gesture for her to stop. “Someone has to go in, Mijung.”

She looked at him, scowling, and her pupils dilated to accommodate the lack of light. “Not you. You’re a healer. You can’t fight if there’s something dangerous in there.”

“Well you don’t have any spell books here, so you can’t protect yourself.” Yutrin held out his hands, letting his claws speak for themselves for a moment. “I can leave some damage if I need to. And if anyone’s going to go, Kraagor needs to stay to protect the remaining spell caster. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

He edged towards the door, fear attempted to be hidden in his eyes. Mijung started forward.

“Yutrin, wait, stop! We don’t know—”

The goblin was already through the doorway.

Darkness swallowed him up.

Mijung stopped short, eyes wide, hands loose at her sides. She waited for Yutrin to come back out like he told her he would.

Five minutes passed.

He didn’t come back out.

Mijung went forward slowly, touching the edge of the doorway. Her muscles tensed. She looked back at Kraagor, her dark eyes furious and her fists clenched. “He might be dead, Kraagor.”

Kraagor crossed his arms. “He died with honor and bravery. I’m sure he’ll be happy in his god’s afterlife.” He looked back down the dark hall. “Maybe there is another way out back there…”

Mijung’s mouth fell open. Kraagor looked at her horrified expression, then gave an irritated sigh.

“For my leader’s sake, I’m keeping his wife safe. If that requires sacrificing a goblin, so be it.” Kraagor came forward slowly, frowning at the darkness. “If he’s dead, then we need to find a way out of here. If we are inside the Snarl, then no one knows what’s happened to us. It looks like we’re on our own.”

Mijung stared at him in shock.

“Mijung, we need to hurry and search for a way out.”

“Kraagor?”

The dwarf looked up at her, frowning impatiently but unwilling to be blatantly rude to a lady.

Mijung slowly crossed her arms, thrusting her hips out. “I don’t know how you and my husband relate to each other. I know for a fact that he does not treat his comrades as he treats me, so I wouldn’t know what he does in battle.” Mijung lifted her chin, eyes blazing. “But, regardless of what Soon has permitted or not in his party, I should tell you something about myself: I will never accept the sacrifice of an innocent life to save my own. Yutrin hasn’t done anything wrong by either of us and may be trapped or hurt. Do what you want—I’m going after him.”

“Mijung—!”

But she had already zipped into the darkness.

Kraagor stayed stiff in shock for a moment, then looked up at the ceiling. “I see why you of all people would like her so much, Soon.” He sighed and then ran through the doorway himself.

---

Mijung was on the ground in a fetal position. Cold dripped on her skin like liquid, rippling, and it was almost as if tiny hands inside of her were reaching out, pulling her hair until she was falling into the floor and the world was a whirlpool around her.

The woman curled up tighter, scrunching her face against the dizziness, her back and abdomen aching worse than usual, her breath coming in short gasps. She waited for a while.

She sat up, rubbing her head, and looked around, clinging to the floor to keep the odd drugged feeling away. “Yutrin?”

“Mijung?” There was a soft scrabbling sound. “Mijung!”

The scrabbling came closer. Mijung could feel the familiar yet unknown presence settling besides her, close enough for breath to tickle against her neck. “Mijung…” There was a hesitation, then a clawed hand tentatively touched her shoulder. “Mijung, are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.” Mijung stifled the urge to flinch away from the goblin’s touch. A part of her was terrified and wanted to slap him for making her feel that way. Another part of her wanted to curl up against him, if only to remind herself that this crushing darkness wasn’t without company. “What about you?”

“I’m fine.”

The darkness swelled and dissolved.

They were suddenly sitting on carved marble. Light came from the stones themselves, but it was a flickering and uneven light, as though it were fire. The doorway of nothing was in front of them, and in its mouth, Kraagor stood with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Both Yutrin and Mijung found themselves with the feeling of doing something wrong. Only Yutrin knew what it was.

The goblin jerked his hand away from the human’s shoulder, looking down.

“Get up. Both of you.”

They mutely did as he said, backing away from each other for Kraagor to stand between them.

Yutrin rubbed his arm gently, sneaking a small embarrassed glance at Mijung before looking away shame-faced. Mijung didn’t notice. She coughed, smoothing out her clothes before looking at Kraagor, a small scowl on her face. “So you came.”

“I told you. I owe it to Soon to keep his wife safe.” Kraagor arched an eyebrow, frowning, and Mijung got the vague feeling that he was implying something deeper than he was saying.

She shrugged it off, still scowling. “Well, I’m not a child. I can handle myself.”

Kraagor gave a terse nod, looking disdainfully at Yutrin before looking around. “Where is that woman who took us here?”

The marble around them trembled, then started to break apart. The blocks under them fell away to darkness. Kraagor tried to jump away, but he swiftly fell. Mijung shrieked and started to fall, but Yutrin backed to the last of the solid floor and grabbed her hand, shrieking in incomprehensible Goblin. For a moment, Mijung clung to his hand.

The floor under Yutrin crumbled.

They fell.

Thoughts?

[Saeyan]

OK guys, to solve the email problem, I've added the following account to the relationship chart and family tree (what? of course there's a family tree) for public use:

UID: [email protected]
Password: crackatastic
URLs: Relationship chart --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3iepevo1 and its image form --> http://create.ly/g3iepevo1
Family tree --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3jm1h1c1 corresponding image --> http://create.ly/g3jm1h1c1

Please don't change the password or anything and lock others out of the account! I know this presents some problems when more than one person tries to edit at the same time though. :(

Edit: Hey guys! I just found out that it's limited to 3 collaborators/diagram for free accounts. That means apart from Water-smurf and Sstoopidtallkid you guys are gonna have to use the public account (or we could get W-S and STK to create 2 more public accounts with their emails)




Also,

(big picture warning - forgot to check "resize")

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[Dark_Stryke]

Water-Smurf: Another good chapter. The only thing that upsets me is that it ended on a cliffhanger! (Yes, I'm a complete hypocrite, because I thoroughly enjoy ending my own chapters on cliffhangers).

Also, feel free to steal that line from me, credit or no.

Finally, I really liked your breakdown of Xykon's thought processes. I must say I'm eagerly awaiting the day that "Master" ends up with about three feet of steel in his throat, though.


On an unrelated note, I just got back from watching Avatar. It was pretty good, if somewhat addicted to Hollywood tropes. I found myself able to predict most of the plot points long before they happened. And the main character was just a wee bit of a Mary-Sue. Still, it was visually stunning, the action was great, and the story was passable. I'd recommend it to pretty much anyone.

[Saeyan]

On an unrelated note, I just got back from watching Avatar.

My friend says it's the best thing since LOTR.

[Nathander]

On an unrelated note, I just got back from watching Avatar. It was pretty good, if somewhat addicted to Hollywood tropes. I found myself able to predict most of the plot points long before they happened. And the main character was just a wee bit of a Mary-Sue. Still, it was visually stunning, the action was great, and the story was passable. I'd recommend it to pretty much anyone.

I'm going to see Avatar with a roommate tomorrow. I'm on the fence as to what to think of it from the commercials I've seen, but I'm intending to give it a chance. I went to see The Princess and the Frog earlier tonight, and loved it. It was nice to see a 2D Disney film again.

Also, thank you to everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I've got two more stories for the night.

The first is based around Daigo and an illicit little event during his bachelor party:

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Daigo’s mug of ale clanked against those held by his comrades in arms, or what had remained of them after the battle for Azure City, before he brought the mug to his lips. Daigo usually wasn’t a drinking man, but he felt he could make an exception for his bachelor party. He was lucky that they had taken to port the night before his wedding, though not so lucky in that Hinjo’s pleas for help had yet again been rebuffed. He took another swig of his ale, letting out a small breath as he gulped down the smooth, bitter drink.

Daigo had to admit it had been awhile since he had a drink; the Azurite army had frowned upon drinking while on duty, and he had done his best to be an exemplar soldier. And while he was sure he would regret it tomorrow, he felt that he might as well drink as much as he could. After all, it’d be one of the last nights were he wouldn’t need to worry about the responsibilities that came with marriage.

The ale came quick and fast, and the night began to move in a blur that Daigo found himself struggling to keep up with his surroundings. He could make out his friends conversation: lewd jokes and anecdotes, calls for more ale, constant congratulations on his upcoming day. None of their voices could fully cut through the haze Daigo found himself lost in.

“Congratulations to you, sir. I wish you much happiness.” That voice, strange and strong and unfamiliar, cut through to Daigo, however. Turning towards the speaker, Daigo’s eyelids, which had been slumped in drunkenness, lifted slightly at the sight. The voice, which sounded like it would come from someone at least a foot taller than himself, instead issued from a kobold. Though, not a kobold of the likes Daigo had ever seen before: he wore a fine silken shirt and pants, with a rapier about as long as the kobold was tall at its side. The creature held a small glass of wine out towards Daigo in recognition.

“Tha…thanks you….” Daigo slurred, stunned at the properness of the small creature. As if an after thought, he added, “I’m gah-getting married tomorrow.”

“Indeed.” The kobold took a sip of his wine. “I heard also that you are expecting a child as well. Is that not correct?”

Daigo’s mouth dropped open. In his near drunken stupor, he must have admitted to the fact that Kazumi was already eight weeks pregnant to his friends, something he had been trying to hide in order to not disgrace his fiancée. He could feel that information clearing his happy drunken stupor and making him wish he could kick himself once or twice in the rear. “Y…yes.” He admitted, looking down into his ale.

The kobold nodded sharply, finger tapping against the stem of its glass. “There are few things a child cherishes more than its parents.” Pausing for a minute, the creature took not sip but a gulp from his glass and, setting it aside on the bar counter, asked, “Tell me, are you an adventurer, perchance?”

“N…No…” Daigo could feel himself spinning and put out an arm, grasping the counter to keep himself from falling out of his chair. “Army.”

“Just as dangerous, I suppose.” Shaking his head, the creature said, its voice beginning to crack, “Might I make a suggestion? I think you should find another line of work. A safer one.” Daigo furrowed his eyebrows at the kobold; was this strange little reptilian monster worried about his well being? Swallowing a lump in his throat, the kobold continued, “You can’t imagine what it feels like…to know that your father was killed by some…some pathetic little…” The kobold placed an elbow on the bar counter and, covering his eyes with the palm of his hand, began to weep.

Daigo found himself reaching out for the monster, patting its elbow carefully to try and calm it down. He found himself managing to croak out “Are you…you going to be alright?”

Sniffling, the kobold wiped its eyes and nodded. “Yes, I’m….I’m sorry. Let me explain.” Taking a long draw from its wine glass, the kobold continued, “My father had been an adventurer, and ultimately wound up in a party of, let us say…ill repute. The group he was with wound up crossing swords with another group, and my father was killed. My family couldn’t afford to have him raised, and his ‘friends’” the kobold spat the word in contempt, “simply left him behind, never bothering to attempt to have him raised.” It took another drink from its glass and, pausing for a minute, sighed and continued, “I myself had been an adventurer for several years at this point, having wanted to follow in my father’s shoes, and had made several contacts. I found the remaining members of the group my father had been part of and joined them. They were an odious bunch, but they were planning to start another fight with the group that had killed my father, and I intended to take my revenge by slaying my father’s murderer.” Sighing, the kobold finished, “In the end, the monster had me butchered as well, though I had made enough friends by this point that I was raised shortly thereafter. The only thing I truly lost, other than avenging my father, was my mustache. It was a fairly nice one, as well. Do you have any idea how long it takes a kobold to grow facial hair?” It snorted with derision and said, “I’m simply glad that I had no memory of how the barbarian had used the top half of my skull as a chip bowl, which is all my friends had been able to find of me.”

Daigo was taken aback, his drunken haze beaten off for at least a bit by the small creature’s revelation, and asked, “What kind of monster would even conceive of doing such a thing?”

“It was a halfling.” The kobold replied, seemingly as shocked as Daigo was. “Foul little being. His head was shaved, though you could see some of his red hair starting to grow in. He-“

“Green clothes and cloak?” Daigo asked simply. “Used daggers?”

The kobold’s mouth hung open for a moment before he uttered out, “You know Bitterleaf?”

Daigo let out a small, sharp laugh. “He wanted to fire my wife and I out of a catapult into a room with an epic-level lich in it.”

The kobold slammed its fist down on the bar counter in rage. “For the sake of all that’s decent! Is there anything the little monster won’t stoop to?”

As the more Daigo and the kobold talked, the more the two of them drank. And the more the two drank, the more everything became a blur neither could fully see through. As the night went on, so did their drinking, and they conversed on things that neither would remember. Idle topics, brought up on the spur of the moment.

The next moment either of them would be aware of anything happening around them was when they found their lips locked against one another, Daigo embracing the small creature (his name was Yank-Yank? Yuk-Yuk? Daigo couldn’t remember) a foot or two off the ground. The two wouldn’t break their kiss until Daigo felt a small, pricking sensation at his back and turned around in agitation to face whoever was trying to get his attention.

He let the kobold drop out of his arms and began to try and stammer out something, anything. There, behind him, stood Kazumi, watching her husband make out with a kobold in stunned silence. The kobold pushed itself up off the floor and opened its mouth, as if to say something to the intruder. Instead, it leaned against the counter and, slowly sliding down it to sit on the floor, fell asleep.

“K…Kazumi…I…” Daigo attempted to say, to give some explanation for what Kazumi was seeing. He felt his heart sink as Kazumi turned from him and walked out of the bar. He resisted the urge to punch himself in the head for possibly screwing up the one good thing that had happened to him in a long, long time, and, instead, ran after his wife into the streets of the city. Jogging up beside her, he stammered out, “I…Kazumi, you see, I didn’t mean…”

Kazumi stopped walking and, for a minute, her body began shaking. Daigo could feel a lump forming in his throat, waiting for the woman to tell him off, to yell at him for his insensitivity. He was utterly taken aback when she turned to him, pointing directly into his face, and laughing. “You….you should have seen…” Kazumi managed out between peals of laughter, ultimately giving up on trying to form a sentence. She placed a hand on her husband’s shoulder to keep herself standing as she laughed hysterically.

Standing in shock for a moment, Daigo choked out, “You’re…you’re not mad?”

Wiping her eyes as she calmed herself down, Kazumi replied, “It was your bachelor party, Daigo. I knew the kind of things that could go on during something like that. I do have to admit…I never really saw the whole making out with a kobold thing coming, though. I mean, you should have…you should…” She bit her lower lip to try and keep herself from bursting out in laughter anew, and failed, leaving her husband to simply watch his wife laugh for nearly fifteen minutes on end in the deserted streets.

Daigo would have no memory of the night of his bachelor party, and was perplexed how, whenever he would forget something, his wife would ask with a smirk if he had been kissing kobolds.

The second is the first part (of several coming) of the Miko/Therkla story I'm working on, "Orphans".

Spoiler

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Therkla blinked her eyes once, twice as she found herself looking up at a wooden ceiling. The last thing she could remember was the struggle with Kabuto, and going unconscious in Elan’s arms. If this was the afterlife, then she felt it to be overrated, first impressions considered. Hell, she could still feel stinging in the arm Kabuto had struck. Therkla sighed slightly; it was times like these that she had wished she had considered a good-alignment earlier on.

“Hey there.” A soft voice whispered, Elan’s face coming into view. Therkla could feel her face slightly flushing at the sight of the bard, her heart fluttering lightly as she saw the expression of relief on his face. Smiling happily, Elan asked her, “How’re you feeling?”

“Better, seeing that the afterlife isn’t a total bust.” Therkla was surprised by just how weak her voice sounded, the fact that she still harbored a crush on the bard not helping. Part of her knew that it wasn’t real, that it was an image created for her in the afterlife to make her happy. Maybe it wasn’t even that; her spirit could be just trying to cope with death and had created a fictional Elan for her to pine over. Either way, she knew it wouldn’t last.

She began to fully realize her conception of what was happening could be wrong as Elan laughed, leaning against the post of the bed she was in and burying his face in his arms. She could make out a few tears rolling down his chin as he laughed, and she fought the desire to try wiping them away for him. “Ye got yerself awhile for you should worry about tha afterlife, lass.” A deep, strong voice she recognized as the dwarf’s issued from the foot of her bed. “At least, I pray ye should have awhile.” She watched as the figure of Durkon emerged into view and walked over to Elan. Patting him on the back, Durkon smiled softly as he said, “Elan, lad, pull yerself together. She’ll be alright.”

Sniffling a little as he ended his laughter, Elan wiped his eyes with his sleeve as he struggled out, “I was afraid I was going to lose another friend.”

Therkla fell quiet, and after a moment said meekly in a voice she barely recognized as her own, “How am I still alive? My Fortitude isn’t that good…”

“I cured ye, girl.” Durkon said simply. “Ye’d blacked out by tha time Elan’d brought ya to me. Ye’re a lucky one, ye are; I had na prepared Neutralize Poison fer the day, but I always keep a scroll as back up. The ability score drain, however, I didn’t have any scrolls for and hadn’t thought I’da needed any spells fer it out her on the ocean. I’ll have some prepared fer tomorrow, but you’ll have to deal with the weakness fer tonight.”

“And Lord Kabuto?” She asked simply. The silence that settled over the two was answer enough for her. Her right fist shook in an anger she was surprised to find she was still able to muster. Even after his attempt on her life, she couldn’t bring herself to hate the man that had effectively raised her and trained her for her position in life, despite how often she regretted some of the actions she had taken as House Kabuto’s highest ranked assassin even before meeting the northerners. Her voice regained some of its usual strength as she asked, “How?”

The two hesitated for a moment, Elan raising a finger as he prepared to tell her. “’E drowned.” Durkon interrupted before the bard could get a single word in. “He had a escape boat an’ Elan pursued him. Tha boat capsized during the fightin’ an Kabuto got knocked unconscious an pulled under. Elan tried ta save ‘im, but he’d drowned by the time ‘e could get to him.” Looking towards the bard, Durkon added sympathetically, “Isn’t tha right, Elan?”

“Yeah.” Elan said meekly, his smile nervous and faltering. “That’s exactly what happened.” His smile turned into a concerned little frown as he said, “I’m sorry Therkla.”

Therkla wondered if the dwarf knew Elan gave penalties to bluff checks. Maybe if it had just been Durkon himself to comment on what happened she’d have believed it. Then again, maybe not. She’d let the issue drop, for Elan’s sake. But she fully intended to find out the truth of her master’s death eventually, one way or the other.

She was taken by surprise, however, when a cup of tea was forced under her nose. The strength of the brew, she would have to admit, helped clear out any of the grogginess that had remained from her slowly recovering system. “Drink this.” A firm female voice said. Turning her head to the other side, Therkla let out a small, barely audible breath as she saw the newest participant in the discussion.

Miko Miyazaki, the most powerful of the paladins that made up the Sapphire Guard. Despite having never talked with the woman before, she was more than familiar with her; she had been a high-priority threat she and her men had worked to avoid during their attempts to take Lord Shojo’s life. Therkla had merely observed the woman before, sizing her up in case she had ever needed to confront the woman in combat. A few of her ninjas had the unfortunate luck to have run into the paladin during attempts on the previous Lord of Azure City’s life, and she had learned at least a few things about the way the woman fought from that. For a week after the battle, she and Kabuto had believed the woman had perished during the battle for the city. Needless to say, Kabuto was less than pleased when Miko’s presence had been discovered upon Hinjo’s junk. Considering the paladin’s noted fanatical loyalty to the throne, they had expected eliminating Hinjo would be a much more difficult task.

Yet Therkla had noticed a distinct change in the woman with her reappearance. She rarely left the room she had taken up on the ship, and when she did it was only for a few minutes to get some air. Therkla knew from her observations that Miko had always been solitary in nature, but just how rarely she left her cabin was extreme even for her. Even odder was the fact that she never wore the garb traditional given to the paladins of the Sapphire Guard, nor carried a proper weapon. Instead, she had taken to wearing a mere set of common clothes and carrying a shinai though, even then, Therkla had learned that Miyazaki was deadly even without a weapon.

Most telling was the pair of guards set outside Miyazaki’s room, no matter what the time of day was. For awhile, Therkla believed that Miyazaki had come down with some condition that had hampered her from fighting, perhaps a severe injury during the battle with the lich and its army, and was being guarded as a sign of respect for her service. Yet it had become clear that the dwarven cleric was high enough level to heal most, if not all, of the conditions the paladin could have been inflicted with. Whatever the case, the fact that Miko had been incapable of interfering had made it easier to plot against Hinjo than would have been expected.

Simply staring into the cup, Therkla took it, hesitantly. She held the cup in her hands, uncertain what to do with it. It was unlikely that the tea had been tampered with; it smelled natural enough, and Durkon and Elan wouldn’t have been permitted to help her if it had been planned to just kill her anyway. Still, she couldn’t shake the distrust bred in her towards her current captors, for lack of a better word, that had been bred in her by Kabuto.

“I know Miko can be mean and, well, scary sometimes, but her tea is actually pretty good.” Elan said in encouragement. “You should really try it.”

Therkla brought her eyes up from the cup to look at Durkon, to Elan who was smiling down at her, to Miko, who had moved over to the other side of the room and was sitting beside a small, planted tree, watching it intently as if it was the most important thing in the world. Cautiously, she brought the cup to her lips and took a sip.

Elan was right, the tea was wonderful. It had a balance between a bitter tang to it, and a slight sweetness. She found that she was soon no longer sipping it, but draining the cup, letting out a small sigh as she finished a put the cup at the side of the bed. She could feel the warmth of the drink settling through her, causing her to feel a pleasant weariness. She hadn’t noticed just how bad off her constitution score was until now; she was lucky that it hadn’t hit 0.

Putting a hand on his back, Durkon said to Elan, “I think we should leave ‘er to rest fer the night, lad.” Turning back to Therkla, he said, “Rest up, an’ I’ll have some spells to finish fixin’ up yer stats tomorrow.”

Therkla simply nodded in response to the statement, sinking in beneath the covers. She
could hear Elan wishing her a good night as she fell into a restful sleep.


When Therkla awoke again, she saw that Miko had hardly shifted from her position beside the tree. There was a small plate of food beside the woman now, and a small canister of water she was pouring into the tree. Groggily, Therkla asked, “Is it morning?”

“No.” Miko replied, placing the canister of water down beside her as she took up her plate. “You’ve been asleep for two hours, perhaps three.”

That was another difference Therkla added to her list about Miko; she had begun to talk in an overly formal tone, nearly reaching a monotone. Not that Miko’s speech hadn’t been absurdly formal before, but at least in Azure City there was clear emotion in the woman’s voice. It was usually irritation or self-righteous indignation, but emotion none the less. Now, it was like talking to a programmed magical message, absolutely no emotion behind it. Therkla found it incredibly disconcerting; something had happened to Miko, either in the city or on the ship that had clearly changed her.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Clearing her throat as grogginess left her, Therkla said, “The, uh, the tea you made was great. Did you come up with the recipe yourself?”

“Partially.” Miko responded, her eyes focused on the tree. Therkla noticed how meager and pathetic the small tree looked, completely barren except for a few leaves that clung desperately to its thin branches. “It was a recipe from the monastery I grew up in. I’ve made a few changes to it over the years to better suit my tastes.”

“Oh.” Therkla responded simply, shifting in her bed to face Miko more thoroughly. She could think of little else to say to the woman. What could she say? The two of them had nothing to relate on, aside from the fact that she had attempted to kill Shojo for years, and Miko had protected Lord Shojo for years. She soon found, however, that she was quite hungry, her stomach growling in protest. Looking at the plate Miko held, she licked her lips and asked, “Do you think you could see if they could get me a plate too?”

Therkla let out a small breath of surprise as Miko approached the bed and held the plate of food out to her, the paladin bowing her head. “Take it.”

“What?” Therkla said, eyeing the plate. What was the woman doing? In all her observations in studying the woman, she had never observed Miko demonstrate subservience towards anyone aside from Shojo.

“The food. It’s yours.”

“But your dinner…”

“I’m full.” Miko said emotionlessly. Therkla was at a lose; she found she couldn’t get a handle on the woman to any degree. So, slowly, she took the plate from the paladin’s hands.

“Thank you.” Therkla said lightly as she began to eat, watching as Miko took her place beside the tree yet again. Eating in silence for a moment, she finally couldn’t contain it any longer and asked, “What’s with the tree?”

She thought Miko hadn’t heard her at first, and was prepared to ask again, when the paladin finally responded. “After the explosion of Soon’s Gate, I found myself flung onto this ship, unconscious and near death.” Miko began, her tone of voice never changing. “In my wounded state, I had a visitation from Soon Kim himself.” Miko allowed the words to sink in for a minute, apparently expecting Therkla to be overcome with reverence. Therkla knew of Soon Kim, of course, but she barely considered him or had that much interest in him.

When she felt she had allowed Therkla enough time to think on the implication of such a vision, Miko continued. “In my vision, Soon Kim took me to the forest that lay behind the monastery I grew up in. There, he showed me three trees. The first was strong and stout, having been planted in good soil and surrounded by several other trees of its kind. The second tree was pathetic and withered. It was planted in the same soil as the first tree, yet faltered all the same, standing in complete isolation apart from the first tree.”

Miko fell into silence again, as if contemplating the story so far. Finally, she said, “The third tree was small and withered, just as the second one was, and was planted in poor soil. And yet Soon Kim showed me that, if it was shown care, it could grow to be as strong as the first tree. Once I was healed enough, I had asked to be allowed to raise a small tree in my quarters. I knew that the story was a parable, and yet I felt the desire to see if I could raise a tree as poor off as the third one shown to me to eventually bloom as that one had.” Miko paused once more before finishing, “In many ways, ninja, the third tree reminds me of you.”

Therkla nearly choked on the food she was swallowing. Fighting the lump down, she turned back to face Miko and, uncertain, asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean that your master, Kabuto, was a corrupt near tyrant. A monster.” Miko’s voice remained as passionless as it had been the entire conversation, despite the fact that she had brought out some of the words that usually marked the most impassioned moments of anything she talked on. “Because of this, of the influence upon you, you should have ended up just as bad. And yet, you showed that you were capable of good in your rejection of him from what I was told by the bard. Despite the poor conditions in which you have resided, you were capable of becoming a force of good.” Pausing yet again, Miko added, “At one point, not long ago, I’d have assumed you’d have been incapable of good due to who you served. I’d have distrusted anything said by the bard, as well.”

“What caused the change?” Therkla asked, her voice becoming soft. She had been completely unprepared for Miko’s speech. She found herself drawn between being oddly honored and skeptical, as if the paladin was trying to somehow force some information out of her by softening her up.

“Along with the vision given to me by Soon, there have been a few other…events recently that have caused me to reevaluate what I thought I knew.” Miko responded, pouring a little more water into the base of the tree. “In many ways, I think the vision Soon showed me was supposed to relate to some of those I know. In the same way you remind me of the third tree, Lord Hinjo reminds me of the first.” Despite her monotone, it was clear Miko was unused to referring to Hinjo as her liege. “I had never expected it at first, but it’s clear to me now how honorable Hinjo is, and how well he can deal with our people. Perhaps he was always that way, and I merely never noticed.” Miko went quiet, and yet had turned her gaze from the tree to meet Therkla’s own.

After a few moments of silence, Therkla cut in, “And the second tree? Do you have a parallel for that?”

“I do.”

“And that would be?”

Miko’s gaze remained on Therkla for a second before slowly shifting back towards the tree. Still in a monotone, Miko’s voice took on a distinctly quiet tone as she said, “I feel tired. I think I shall be going to sleep soon.”

“Alright.” Therkla replied, placing her plate on the floor beside the bed. She realized that it would be best not to push the paladin on the subject; there was something clearly wrong with Miko. Not dangerous, but clearly out of whack. Adjusting the covers over her, Therkla said quietly, “Good night, Miko.”

Still gazing at her tree, Miko responded, “Good night, ninja.”

Therkla drifted off into a pleasant, dreamless sleep.

I'm incredibly pleased with the first story. I honestly didn't expect it to come out as well as I thought it did. I know that this introductory chapter to Orphans is incredibly slow, but it should build up pace soon. I had struggled with finding the point I wanted to introduce the readers to the action in the story, and ultimately started where I started because I thought it was important to show the very beginnings of the eventual dynamics between Miko and Therkla. I'm also working under a few assumptions that I'm not sure are correct, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on them. The main assumption is that I know it had been stated that Hinjo and the other paladins had kept at least the soldiers from knowing that Miko was responsible for Shojo's death, and I had thought that it would be implied that the population at large, including both the nobles and their forces, would be unaware of that as well. I could, of course, be completely wrong on this.

On another note, I've only gotten to read a few bits of your work, Water_Smurf, but I've loved every bit of it. You have an incredibly impressive set of literary skills, and I'm admittedly envious. I look forward to reading even more of your coming work.

Also, if we're a family, I claim the position of the whiny kid who thinks he's an outcast, Might as well get that position out of the way as quickly as we can.

[Monzach]

Well, in the Crack Fic family, I'm probably the weird uncle who has moved to foreign parts as a young man and who suddenly and unexpectedly calls you. And, of course, regualrly sends Westmarks...

(Apparently we're from East Germany now.)

[Aaron]

I like it.

Water-Smurf is the mom.
Zanaril is the dad.
Coffee is the aunt.
I'm a kid, as are you/doliest and ClericofBelkar.
Silverraptor is our cousin.
DarkFiddler and Closak are our soft wrinkly grandparents.

Everyone else, choose something.

Oh, The Odor and ShinyDelusion are our dogs.

I would probably be the cousin who is in his last year of high school.
...wait a minute... I am a high school senior.

I may be wrong here, but... isn't Zanaril the wrong gender for that?

Thats what belts of gender-change are for.

[Taekwondodo]

I guess I would be the aunt you hardly ever see but is always phoning to congratulate you on your school work.

Nathander I actually like your second story better.

Saeyan I guess the two small pics are V and Kyrie but who's in the big one? Aandy and someone?

Water-Snurf I like where this is going! Also how can you keep more than one story going at once? I have to concentrate on one till it's done!

EDIT: It snowed here last night, properly!!!!!!!!!!!!! (as you can guess I'm a little excited)

[Zanaril]

Saeyan I guess the two small pics are V and Kyrie but who's in the big one? Aandy and someone?

I'm pretty sure it's V again, just with her hair tied back.

[The Odor]

I like it.

Water-Smurf is the mom.
Zanaril is the dad.
Coffee is the aunt.
I'm a kid, as are you/doliest and ClericofBelkar.
Silverraptor is our cousin.
DarkFiddler and Closak are our soft wrinkly grandparents.

Oh, The Odor and ShinyDelusion are our dogs.

Rowff then.
I like this idea alot. We should make a table with us. What's Lira?

[Asta Kask]

On Elves and Ears (not strictly a crack-pairing):

Spoiler

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It is well known that elven ears are an erogenous zone, similar in function to human breasts or dwarven beards. This has led to many of the differences visible between human and elven cultures - sexuality being such a driving force among both people.

For instance, many elves consider the human habit of earrings and other adornments to be highly questionable. The equivalent would be a human woman walking around with her nipple piercings clearly visible. Conservative elves have a word for this which is neither translatable nor, unfortunately, printable. Similarly, the habit of some humanoids to collect "elf ears" to prove that they have killed an enemy is the cause of great animosity - an elf without ears is somehow much less of an elf.

Another consequence is that among conservative families, the women are expected to keep their ears hidden, lest the sight of their pointiness cause males to lose all control. There are several ways to do this - ear-muffs is common in cold climates while specially constructed ear sheathes are favored in warmer lands.

Of course, among less conservative elves (including the rare families who consider gender to be so unimportant that they have done away with it entirely), ears are usually left uncovered. Perhaps not coincidentally, the inter-racial barrier is more often breached in those families, leading half-elf/half-goblins and other even stranger beings.

During sexual arousal, the elven earlobe becomes engorged with blood, increasing up to two or three times. Rubbing it is understandably enormously pleasurable and can lead to climax with no other stimulus being necessary. Interestingly enough, many elves develop a fascination with ear wax and carry the wax of their beloved in small amulets close to their heart.

(from "A beginner's Guide to Elves)

Reactions?

[Zanaril]

On Elves and Ears (not strictly a crack-pairing):

Reactions?

That went right through hilarious and took a left turn at squicky.

Bravo!

I'm now trying to think up a usable application for the phrase "leading an elf by the ears".

[CoffeeIncluded]

Wait...Dwarven beards, you say...

Nice work everyone!

You know, I wonder if V distributed that pamphlet to everyone that s/he was paired up with...

[The Odor]

Here's some backround of the crossover I plan to write.
The episode is "The Daedalus Variations"

Spoiler

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A spaceship appears out of nowhere over Atlantis. John Sheppard and his team discover that the ship is the Daedalus, which is strange as Stargate Command confirms that the Daedalus is actually two days away from Earth. Sheppard's team boards the new Daedalus and find it apparently abandoned with signs of battle damage. Teyla views a log entry from the Daedalus commander, Colonel Sobel, who the team has never heard of before. Suddenly, there is a power spike and the Daedalus disappears from above Atlantis, while from the perspective of Sheppard's team, Atlantis disappears. McKay finds that they have been propelled into a parallel universe by what he terms an "alternate reality drive", and thus the Daedalus is actually from an alternate reality.

The team finds another version of themselves, dead, who come from yet another parallel universe and were trapped aboard while investigating the ship, just as they are. Soon, the ship jumps again, into a reality where Atlantis is under attack from an unfamiliar alien ship. Sheppard intervenes, and the aliens retaliate by launching fighters. One of the fighters crashes into the Daedalus before it jumps again, this time into a universe where Atlantis' sun has already swelled into a red giant. To keep the ship from being burned up, McKay (David Hewlett) increases the rate at which the alternate reality drive activates, warning that his modifications are irreversible. Meanwhile, the team must contend with aliens from the crashed fighter.

Not the best episode by any means but the easiest to write crack from. You think you will like it.

[Zanaril]

You know, I wonder if V distributed that pamphlet to everyone that s/he was paired up with...

V's wisdom score is average, not low.

[Saeyan]

Saeyan I guess the two small pics are V and Kyrie but who's in the big one? Aandy and someone?

You could tell it was Aandy! /pumps fist. Zanaril is right. It's V with her hair up (I only found the ponytail hairstyles when I was creating Kyrie).

Am I the only one who finds the first picture funny?

I like this idea alot. We should make a table with us. What's Lira?

UID: [email protected]
Password: crackatastic
URLs: Relationship chart --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3iepevo1 and its image form --> http://create.ly/g3iepevo1
Family tree --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3jm1h1c1 corresponding image --> http://create.ly/g3jm1h1c1

/desperately hoping the two hours spent on finding a service and setting up the charts will not go to waste

PS: I'm gonna be away for a while again.

[The Odor]

You could tell it was Aandy! /pumps fist. Zanaril is right. It's V with her hair up (I only found the ponytail hairstyles when I was creating Kyrie).

Am I the only one who finds the first picture funny?

UID: [email protected]
Password: crackatastic
URLs: Relationship chart --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3iepevo1 and its image form --> http://create.ly/g3iepevo1
Family tree --> http://creately.com/app?diagID=g3jm1h1c1 corresponding image --> http://create.ly/g3jm1h1c1

/desperately hoping the two hours spent on finding a service and setting up the charts will not go to waste

PS: I'm gonna be away for a while again.

What should we do with this.
Do you say edit I have to get a how to do it thing. I am so bad at computers.