Funny D&D Stories

[Dornath]

My group is currently playing a Loooooooooooong Campaign, just about to finish actually.

Now, in this game, our DM decided that adventuring groups had to come up with a name and register themselves. We named ourselves Venture,Co. Seemed like a fairly simple thing to do, gives us some recognition in the city we were based in and let people know that we were legitimate.

Of course...it also lets our enemies know who we are and what we're up to without the need for magic.

During a lull in the adventuring, we decide to go and have a nice shared lunch as a group. Sit down, and just talk about things NOT related to killing everything that somehow got OUR treasure into THEIR houses and bags...
Needless to say, we were ambushed.
The leader of a group of mercenaries walks up to us in the middle of the bar and calmly asks, "Are you guys Venture, co?"
We answer yes, since these people usually want our help with something (And are often the adventure hooks).
His friends proceed to murderize us. We lost 2 PCs in that fight.

A few weeks, and resurrections later, we're adventuring in a cave system not too far away. As we explore the dungeon, we learn that there is a powerful vampire wizard somewhere in the dark, hiding. Being the stout, valiant defenders of good that we were, we decide to hunt him down and destroy him. Due to our amazing luck, we find him just as he's waking up from his daily nap.

First thing he says when he sees us... "Are you Venture, Co?"
We collectively shat our pants, screamed no, and ran far away.

[Dornath]

Bah, it's just cookiethulhu brand. Insanely delicious.

Also non-euclideanly bite-sized, but that doesn't have the same ring to it.

.....Can I take that for my sig?


*edit* Sorry for the double-post!

[Katana_Geldar]

We collectively nerfed our pants, screamed no, and ran far away.

I love it when that happens!

[Meirnon]

.....Can I take that for my sig?


*edit* Sorry for the double-post!

Absolutely. ;D

It's just my go-to cookie joke. You can prolly find it like 10 other times on this forum. xD

[Uncle_Brainhorn]

It was also a homebrew game, so a Nat 1 may be automatically be a serious fumble. It doesn't sound like anyone complained, since the Rogue kept being an idiot...

That's pretty much it. Rolling a 20 is a success, within reason. No picking up houses or jumping to the moon or any such nonsense. And a 1 is a failure that usually results in injury.

Although the Rogue did complain. He accused me of giving him weighted die. Meh.

[DontEatRawHagis]

After doing a mission where they had to fight against people using Greek Fire, my team has created Greek Fire water balloons. Hilarity will ensue.

[SilverLeaf167]

Isn't the D&D "alchemist's fire" pretty similar to Greek fire? Goo that burns easily even in harsh conditions?

[TheEmerged]

Our gaming group is getting older. As a result, a couple of the players at the table now have children at the table as well -- a 7 year-old and a 9 year-old. The older one is starting to get into the roleplaying aspects. I've mentioned before on the boards that she tends to play her eladrin wizard as something of a G-rated Samuel Jackson.

The campaign has hit Paragon levels and has entered an Underdark series, complete with all the usual machinations, intrigues, and so forth. This has led to some issues because the children are having trouble figuring out who they're supposed to be fighting. The 9 year-old is finding that more frustrating than the 7 year-old (perhaps because she's actually trying to think about it rather than just going stabbity on whoever Daddy tells him to).

So last session we get to an encounter with robed cultists and the older players are going through the usual motions of determining if they're an enemy, possible ally, or what. One of the cultist blows the Diplomacy roll and smarts off to the party.

Little Ms. G-rated Samuel Jackson, with heavy frustration in her voice, replies, "Don't make me come over there and find out how many experience points you're worth."

Needless to say, we just about all died laughing (even her mother, in the next room watching football).

[DontEatRawHagis]

Isn't the D&D "alchemist's fire" pretty similar to Greek fire? Goo that burns easily even in harsh conditions?

Greek Fire is accelerated when water is poured on it. Point being that it fire has armor piercing that increases by 8 and adds an extra d6(stackable) when accelerant is added. At least in my game did.

[Meirnon]

Our gaming group is getting older. As a result, a couple of the players at the table now have children at the table as well -- a 7 year-old and a 9 year-old. The older one is starting to get into the roleplaying aspects. I've mentioned before on the boards that she tends to play her eladrin wizard as something of a G-rated Samuel Jackson.

The campaign has hit Paragon levels and has entered an Underdark series, complete with all the usual machinations, intrigues, and so forth. This has led to some issues because the children are having trouble figuring out who they're supposed to be fighting. The 9 year-old is finding that more frustrating than the 7 year-old (perhaps because she's actually trying to think about it rather than just going stabbity on whoever Daddy tells him to).

So last session we get to an encounter with robed cultists and the older players are going through the usual motions of determining if they're an enemy, possible ally, or what. One of the cultist blows the Diplomacy roll and smarts off to the party.

Little Ms. G-rated Samuel Jackson, with heavy frustration in her voice, replies, "Don't make me come over there and find out how many experience points you're worth."

Needless to say, we just about all died laughing (even her mother, in the next room watching football).

D'awwwwwwwwwwwww.

[Lycan 01]

Our gaming group is getting older. As a result, a couple of the players at the table now have children at the table as well -- a 7 year-old and a 9 year-old. The older one is starting to get into the roleplaying aspects. I've mentioned before on the boards that she tends to play her eladrin wizard as something of a G-rated Samuel Jackson.

The campaign has hit Paragon levels and has entered an Underdark series, complete with all the usual machinations, intrigues, and so forth. This has led to some issues because the children are having trouble figuring out who they're supposed to be fighting. The 9 year-old is finding that more frustrating than the 7 year-old (perhaps because she's actually trying to think about it rather than just going stabbity on whoever Daddy tells him to).

So last session we get to an encounter with robed cultists and the older players are going through the usual motions of determining if they're an enemy, possible ally, or what. One of the cultist blows the Diplomacy roll and smarts off to the party.

Little Ms. G-rated Samuel Jackson, with heavy frustration in her voice, replies, "Don't make me come over there and find out how many experience points you're worth."

Needless to say, we just about all died laughing (even her mother, in the next room watching football).

Awesome story, and I'm totally stealing that line.

[Kesnit]

Awesome story, and I'm totally stealing that line.

My fiancee said the same thing.

[bondpirate]

I did a one shot as DM to give our regular DM an extra week to prep our next adventure. We jokingly ribbed him over starting most of our adventures in a tavern, getting the quest from the barkeep (he was so predictable the first player to arrive to session just got all the quest info and filled the rest of in as we arrived to play). He wanted to start the adventure somewhere other than a tavern. So I had the party start the game at a rest area, in the middle of the forest on the way to the city, ready to make camp. I have a merchant caravan stop and ask if they can stay the night with them. Of course, since they're nice guys, they agree. One of the merchants comes up and talks about a band of goblins raiding merchants on the eastern road from the city, all the while setting up glasses wanting so sell some mead.

There might not have been a building, but like heck I wasn't gonna have our DM start his adventure at a tavern, getting their quest from a bartender.

[imdmoogleking]

My friends and I are in a dungeon. We have just killed some earth gargoyles in a little alcove, and I ask the DM if we can look for shinies. (I always refer to treasure this way.) The DM looks very confused and asks me to repeat it. When I do he says oooohhh shinies. He thought I said Chinese and was wondering why my elf ranger would be looking for Chinese food. Maybe the gargoyles enjoyed good food?

[SilverLeaf167]

The Party
Berk, Dwarf Barbarian 6 (Crusher)
Aramil, Elf Wizard 5 (Blaster)
Raphael, Human Cleric 6 (Healer)

The party was infiltrating an underground Drow outpost. They had just descended through a hidden chasm, finding themselves in a small room. The room had nothing but a wooden door. It should be pretty obvious that something is behind the door. They even suspect it.

They knock.

Nothing happens, but the three Drow behind the door ready actions to shoot at anything coming through the door. Two are using guns (magotech), and the third one's using a standard blowgun to shoot darts with Drow Poison. Berk smashes through the door. All the attacks hit him. No worries, the poison only has a save DC of 13, and the Barbarian would succeed even on a 4. He rolls a 3. Instant unconsciousness.
One down.

Aramil manages to blast the two Drow with a Fireball, killing them. However, he too is hit with a dart, fails the save, and falls unconscious. Now there's only Raphael against the single Drow. He has a decent Fortitude save and the Drow only has one more dose of poison left. Raphael hides behind the wall (next to the door), but the Drow readies his last shot to shoot when Raphael comes out from hiding. Raphael's player spends some time thinking and looking through his prepared spells, but having nothing useful decides to take the risk. He comes out and gets hit. Save failed.

All three are now unconscious, and pretty sure that the Drow will just coup de grace them, resulting a TPK. However, I'm a fairly nice spell, and even though this might sound kind of fudgy, I thought the encounter wasn't supposed to be that dangerous and they only had bad luck, so they were just captured. Their escape will happen when we play the next time, but I don't think the Drow will be so merciful anymore.

[GeminiVeil]

We were playing in a 3.5 game, and had been sent into a giant ant hill to rescue some captives. One of us, who I don't believe had darkvision, goes off exploring with a coin that had light on it. By himself. Predictably, he gets attacked. Only one of us passed their listen check, the characters close friend. He runs off without telling anyone whats going on, and since the character has a tendancy to do things like this (I believe he had INT 7, and I think a WIS of like 11) the rest of us go about setting up our camp.
By the time he gets there, the ants (3 I think) had grappled the first character. We couldn't find any rules on melee attacking into a grapple, so we used the ranged one. 50% chance to hit either. We might have reduced the %, I'm not sure.
So, he comes up with his Scythe. Nat 1. Puts the first guy at about 4. Rolls for his second attack. Gets the wrong side of the percent, kills the first guy. The ant drops it, seeing more prey. Scythe guy picks up his fallen comrade and runs back to the rest of the group. Of course, since he is weighted and the ants move faster anyway, the ants catch up just as he makes it back to the rest of the party. I was playing a healing gray elf cleric, and was almost out of spells, plus almost dead. So I try and become part of the wall. The only other caster we had, wiz or sorc I think, is out of spells, so imitates me. Just as scythe guy yells out what is going on, gets attacked from behind, put at about 3 hp, and falls down (trip). So we have 2 casters with almost no spells, dumb barbarian, and to make matters worse, we had been preparing for rest, so most of us had no armor. We were able to beat them, barely. Luckily we had been able to get 1 rez item before leaving for this mission, so was able to rez the guy. Scythe guy lied and said the ant killed first guy, and we all believed him, so when first guy came back, we all convinced him that the ants killed him. That guy never found out, either.

[WarKitty]

We're fighting our way through a back-to-back giant anthill and goblin camp. Our party consists of a ranger, fighter, sorcerer/fighter, barbarian, alchemist, rogue, and druid. After a fight with several ants we come to a locked door (for which we have a key). We can hear goblins behind the door.

Our party alchemist (a tiefling) opens the door while the rest of us hide around the bend. He sees 4 goblins and 3 bugbears. Alchemist launches into a long speech in which he claims to be the avatar of the god of firey destruction. He tells the goblins that if they will just go up to the surface and stare into the sun for 2 days without stopping, they will be gifted with the power of the fire of the sun, and will be able to burn things. He demonstrates with a bomb. DM has him roll a bluff check; he gets a 30. The four goblins immediately run off to stare into the sun. The bugbears didn't buy it, but at that point they got mopped up by the party.

[Cogidubnus]

New PbP campaign I'm in. We all get portaled into the future, without knowing it's the future, and appear in a shop run by a chap named Marvin, who we take for a powerful wizard. He assumes we're a bunch of trekkies, in his words, as we have a large number of monsters in the party, while we attempt 4 different magical emotion changers silmultaneously, then blow up his telephone and assault him. He passes (by fluke) his saves against virtually everything we use on him, including Slay Living. My Pit Fiend then gets arrested for tackling him and blowing up the phone, and after I've gone the police start shooting the others for continuing to bother him.

All this over a throwaway NPC...

[Enterti]

couple of days ago I was DMing a session for my players. the party was traveling through a desert shortly after night fall when they spotted a small group of Giant Scorpions. The party (4 lv1s) seemed unsure what to do so I went and grabbed some food for myself.

When I returned they had a plan.

Now while the party was in Silverymoon planning they decided that they needed horses to cross the desert. One of my players decided to purchase 10 horses, he spent all of his gold on them but I allowed it.

So here is what they did, the party bard had an extra accordion and one of the other players had rope. they tied 2 lengths of rope to a pair of horses with the accordion tied between them. I had the party druid make a DC 17 wild empathy check to have the horses run past the scorpions, he nat 20s the check.

The result of this plan was that the horses ran past the scorpions with an accordion banging the ground and making noises, the scorpions followed the the horses and the druid cast entangle to ensure the safety of the horses as well as the party. I give the party the exp and a small bonus for thinking outside the box to overcome a challenge

[TaliaJacta]

The beginning of our current campaign was "you all meet in a jail." I left it up to the characters to decide what they'd been arrested for...

The rogue was arrested for public indecency after he was thrown out of a window by the three leather-clad tieflings whom he'd been "entertaining." He ended up in jail with no equipment and clad in old clothes he'd received from the guards. When asked what he's in for, he replies, "Funny story...these aren't my clothes."
The PCs are then interrupted, and the rest of the party never learns any more of the story beyond "these aren't my clothes."

And then the wizard went on to incapacitate two Level 1 rogues and a Level 10 ranger without anyone losing a single Hit Point, and without his opponents even getting a chance to attack. And then he left them handcuffed to each other in a sewer.

[Joshinthemosh]

Recently myself and my usual DM joined a Pathfinder game as players. In the middle of yesterday's session we leveled up to 5th level. I am playing an Assimar Oracle of Battle wielding a Masterwork Bastard Sword with a +8 to hit. The next encounter I am running my character and an NPC hireling Level 3 Fighter. We go up against half a dozen dwarf fighters and two large Fire Elementals. The fighter crits three times and takes out about half the dwarfs. My Assimar proceeds to not only roll nothing higher than a five (which hits nothing) but fumbles. With 12 different dice no less. Including but not limited to 4 Natural 1s in row. To end the encounter the DM had my roll 5d20 for my attack roll. I both crit and fumble. Luckily enough I hit for 5 damage and kill the last elemental. Tomorrow I hit my d20s with a hammer.

[TheEmerged]

So, another one from the "teaching the next generation of gamers" file from today's session.

The party is in a series of arena type battles, and has just hit 12th level. The wizard (played by the 9 year old) had some power changes to reflect a couple of new feats. Her dad is encouraging her to pick her own powers in combat more often, and she's trying to pick her next move before her turn comes up.

"Daddy, which one is the d6 again?"

(Not really paying attention) "The regular one, honey."

At which point she picks up the d20 with a confused look and says, "Doesn't this one have too many numbers on it?"

(If you're not getting it, she's played D&D enough that she thinks of the d20 as the 'normal' dice instead of the d6).

[zyborg]

The only scenario so far that I've done with a group was one where we were in... a pub. Yeah, sorry, it WAS a pre-made scenario.

Well, my friend's character was drunk and acting like a fool. So I decided to "snap him out of it" by hitting him with a leg of mutton. And scored a critical hit. Seriously hurt him.

[Lady Moreta]

So, another one from the "teaching the next generation of gamers" file from today's session.

The party is in a series of arena type battles, and has just hit 12th level. The wizard (played by the 9 year old) had some power changes to reflect a couple of new feats. Her dad is encouraging her to pick her own powers in combat more often, and she's trying to pick her next move before her turn comes up.

"Daddy, which one is the d6 again?"

(Not really paying attention) "The regular one, honey."

At which point she picks up the d20 with a confused look and says, "Doesn't this one have too many numbers on it?"

(If you're not getting it, she's played D&D enough that she thinks of the d20 as the 'normal' dice instead of the d6).

That is awesome. I want my children to be like that.

when I have children, that is.

[Rising Chaos]

In one of my first games of D&D I was trying out my first tank (which was a Weemic barbarian). We were in a dark, foggy dead forest and our DM told us to roll for initiative. We didn't know what the enemy was but we knew it was there.

When it came to my turn the enemy still hadn't shown itself so when the DM told me what I was going to do I offhandedly said "I just stand there looking pretty". When he asked me what that meant I said whatever he thought it should, he then called for everyone to roll will saves as 'standing there looking pretty' apparently meant I had just whipped off my loincloth to show everyone my junk.

Everyone passed except for the enemy, and immediatly following my nakedness the black dragon in the fog that had been sneaking up on us violently puked all over two of the nearby trees.

[Scow2]

In one of my first games of D&D I was trying out my first tank (which was a Weemic barbarian). We were in a dark, foggy dead forest and our DM told us to roll for initiative. We didn't know what the enemy was but we knew it was there.

When it came to my turn the enemy still hadn't shown itself so when the DM told me what I was going to do I offhandedly said "I just stand there looking pretty". When he asked me what that meant I said whatever he thought it should, he then called for everyone to roll will saves as 'standing there looking pretty' apparently meant I had just whipped off my loincloth to show everyone my junk.

Everyone passed except for the enemy, and immediatly following my nakedness the black dragon in the fog that had been sneaking up on us violently puked all over two of the nearby trees.

...What was your CHA score?
And what's a Weemic?

[DragonOfUndeath]

...What was your CHA score?

too make a dragon puke it would have too either be so low it aint funny or so high he has several STDs from *cough* acquaintances *cough*

[Leon]

And what's a Weemic?

A Lion Centaur like creature

[kestrel404]

Some stories from the game I'm playing in currently:
The Jealous Thief

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The party is staying at an inn after a successful dungeon crawl. One of the PCs has recovered a very potent artifact. My character has a reputation as a night-owl and I've spent the night in the bar downstairs drinking while everyone else in the party is asleep.

Someone tosses a flask of burning oil through the window, which bursts and lights the (wooden) inn on fire. My first reaction? I scream, "The Inn is on FIRE!" and then hide. Yes, I hide. Because I'm the party rogue and it's my job not to be seen, not to fight fires. So while the rest of the party wakes up and rushes downstairs to fight the fire, I sneak upstairs to see who else is staying at the inn that I can rob during this emergency.

And a good thing too, because the fire is, of course, a distraction. Another thief has climbed into the party's room and is rooting through our bags. Seeing this, I become infuriated and I jump out of the shadow I'm hiding in and stab him while shouting, "Nobody's alowed to steal from my friends except me!"

Never make a deal with a Dragon

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Shortly after leaving that city on an airship, we pass over the territory of one of the friendlier, more social, and ridiculously powerful dragons who inhabit this particular world. We are told to pay him a visit by one of his lackeys, who summons a storm around our ships to prevent them from fleeing while he delivers the message.

As we enter the Dragon's lair, I remind everyone in character to 'Never make a deal with a Dragon'. Earthdawn being the pre-cursor to Shadowrun, this is a fairly common saying in the campaign world. The lackey that is leading us to his master agrees emphatically, pointing out that making such a deal is why he's a dragon's lackey in the first place.

When we get inside to talk to the dragon, he states quite clearly, "I did not bring you here to make any deals."

Then after several minutes of conversation he mentions that he knows the location of several very powerful artifacts that my character has been looking for.

I don't even hesitate. My immediate response is, "OK, let's make a deal."

Which side of the dog has the least hair?

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My ED character recently got a magic item that lets him change his shape to anything he's killed, for a small XP cost. I've killed some pretty interesting creatures in my adventuring career.

We end up fighting a giant, flying nasty creature that is hovering directly above the party but has so much armor that we can neither hit nor deal damage with any consistancy. I turn into this small, batlike thing with claw attacks and massive to-hit bonuses.

I use my flight ability to flank my enemy - by flying above the creature. Since I'm above and everyone else is below, I claim that it is flanked. The GM agrees with me, allows me the attack, and on the creature's next initiative pass, it attempts to eat me. Because I'm tiny and fast moving, it misses. After a pause, I ask the GM if I can voluntarily lower my AC so that it CAN eat me. He looks at me like I'm nuts and says 'sure'.

So the big nasty flying creature eats me. I take some crushing and acid damage. My initiative pass comes up. And I shapeshift into that world's equivalent of an elephant.

[Scow2]

A Lion Centaur like creature

Where is it from? I am intrigued by this...