Crack Pairings VI - We've Finally Stooped to Shipping Ourselves

[Sereg]

@Coffee and Closak: Feel free to kill Mary Sue in whatever horrible ways that you desire. I’ll probably enjoy it to.

@Zanaril I considered going My Immortalisque with my spelling and grammar, but I thought that it would be too much. I did sneak in a lot of awkward sentence structure, a couple of spelling mistakes and of course, the horrible “But then the Snarl came!!!!!!!” though. *shudder*

@Closak Don’t worry, I referenced the same thing with “steak”.

@NemoUtopia I enjoyed it.

@Dark Apprentice It wasn’t bad. I liked it.

Here is part 2 of “A Twisted Tail”:

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“It’s a good thing that we live in a fantasy world,” said Hieronymus, “so that when I clone myself, he’ll be fully grown and have my memories.” He looked over the instructions again. “Hmmm…,” he pondered aloud, “this states that it has a similar effect to the spell ice assassin, but that’s not a core spell and I’m not familiar with it. Oh well, what’s the worst that could happen?” With that announcement, he got to work.

He stared at what appeared to be a mirror image. “Well,” he commented, “it appears that my recent modifications have been duplicated in you.” The clone arose from the table and stood up. “An excellent specimen.” announced Hieronymus. The clone picked up one of the flasks lying around in the lab and appeared to be examining it. “Do you like it?” asked Hieronymus. There was a crash, then pain and darkness.

When Hieronymus awoke, he was strapped to the table. His head felt wet from the blood and he was still rather woozy. He blinked away the blurriness in his eyes. He was standing over himself. No wait! That bastard of a clone had stolen his clothes and restrained him! He snarled as he stared down at his now naked body. “I was wondering when you’d get up.” said the clone, “I’ve given Giro some time off so don’t bother calling for help. I just wanted to let you know that tonight, I’m going to be the one who goes home and enjoys your wife.” He gave a large, unpleasant grin.
“When I get out of this…” began Hieronymus.
“I don’t think that that’s likely.” said the clone, “You see, we have more ranks in use rope than escape artist.” He let out a loud laugh and turned around.
“I’ll kill you, you bastard!” screamed Hieronymus as his clone walked out the door.

Part 3 is still in the works, in the mean time, here is Sstoopidtallkid’s suggestion of Belkar x Roy BDSM with Roy using the Mark of Justice’s password as a safe-word:

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Roy stared hungrily at the halfling that he had been trying to convince himself was the bane of his existence for the entire adventure. What he had never admitted to anyone, was that he had actually enjoyed Belkar’s lewd comments during the short space of time that he was a women. He could certainly appreciate the skill with which Belkar fought. How could someone so small, be so powerful. So…deliciously powerful. Of course, Roy could never have him. Belkar had only ever expressed interest in women so far. Unless…maybe…if Roy let him know who the woman that he had apparently found so attractive was…no. It wouldn’t work. Roy desperately wanted to be manhandled the way that Belkar manhandled their enemies…but Belkar was a powerful, violent individual with no sense of self control. Roy quite simply didn’t trust him not to slit his throat whilst they were “busy”. But wait! There was another way! Belkar’s arrangement with Lord Shojo provided Roy with a unique opportunity. One that he wasn’t going to let slip away.

“Belkar,” announced Roy, “I’d like a word in private.” Belkar got up from the table that he was sharing with the rest of the Order and followed Roy outside. “Next time try not to announce my name to the whole world.” he hissed, “And try to remember that it’s not easy sitting down and getting up while I’m wearing these stilts, so I like to avoid doing it more than I have to.”
“Sorry,” Roy apologized, “I am a little distracted.”
“Well, what is it?” asked Belkar.
“As you know,” began Roy, “Lord Shojo placed the Greater Mark of Justice on you which will activate if you deal lethal damage to anyone in an urban area, or if I say the password.”
“Your point?” snarled Belkar, clearly still upset with this restriction in his freedom.
“I have some information and a…request for you.” said Roy.
“Well?” asked Belkar.
“Do you remember the woman that you hit on after the inn exploded?” asked Roy. Belkar smiled and said, “Oh yeah, she was smoking hot. I wanted to take her back to my room and…”
“That was me.” interrupted Roy, “That was me using the belt of gender-changing, or whatever it was called.”
“Well, in that case,” smirked Belkar, “How’s about you and me have some fun together, babe?”
“I was hoping, you’d say that.” said Roy.
“Wait, what?” asked Belkar, clearly shocked, “I was just teasing you. You mean, you’re actually interested?”
“Yes, I am.” answered Roy, “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by you, but remember, you have the Mark of Justice and I have the password.”
“Um…Okay,” answered Belkar, “It looks like this is going to be more fun than I thought.

That’s as far as I’m going with that one, but I think that it would be fun to see other people’s interpretations. Also I must give credit to NamonakiRei’s “This is what I do in English class” for inspiration.

[CoffeeIncluded]

@Coffee and Closak: Feel free to kill Mary Sue in whatever horrible ways that you desire. I’ll probably enjoy it to.

:D *Grabs baseball bat and large lead pipe*

Part 3 is still in the works, in the mean time, here is Sstoopidtallkid’s suggestion of Belkar x Roy BDSM with Roy using the Mark of Justice’s password as a safe-word:

Spoiler

Show

Roy stared hungrily at the halfling that he had been trying to convince himself was the bane of his existence for the entire adventure. What he had never admitted to anyone, was that he had actually enjoyed Belkar’s lewd comments during the short space of time that he was a women. He could certainly appreciate the skill with which Belkar fought. How could someone so small, be so powerful. So…deliciously powerful. Of course, Roy could never have him. Belkar had only ever expressed interest in women so far. Unless…maybe…if Roy let him know who the woman that he had apparently found so attractive was…no. It wouldn’t work. Roy desperately wanted to be manhandled the way that Belkar manhandled their enemies…but Belkar was a powerful, violent individual with no sense of self control. Roy quite simply didn’t trust him not to slit his throat whilst they were “busy”. But wait! There was another way! Belkar’s arrangement with Lord Shojo provided Roy with a unique opportunity. One that he wasn’t going to let slip away.

“Belkar,” announced Roy, “I’d like a word in private.” Belkar got up from the table that he was sharing with the rest of the Order and followed Roy outside. “Next time try not to announce my name to the whole world.” he hissed, “And try to remember that it’s not easy sitting down and getting up while I’m wearing these stilts, so I like to avoid doing it more than I have to.”
“Sorry,” Roy apologized, “I am a little distracted.”
“Well, what is it?” asked Belkar.
“As you know,” began Roy, “Lord Shojo placed the Greater Mark of Justice on you which will activate if you deal lethal damage to anyone in an urban area, or if I say the password.”
“Your point?” snarled Belkar, clearly still upset with this restriction in his freedom.
“I have some information and a…request for you.” said Roy.
“Well?” asked Belkar.
“Do you remember the woman that you hit on after the inn exploded?” asked Roy. Belkar smiled and said, “Oh yeah, she was smoking hot. I wanted to take her back to my room and…”
“That was me.” interrupted Roy, “That was me using the belt of gender-changing, or whatever it was called.”
“Well, in that case,” smirked Belkar, “How’s about you and me have some fun together, babe?”
“I was hoping, you’d say that.” said Roy.
“Wait, what?” asked Belkar, clearly shocked, “I was just teasing you. You mean, you’re actually interested?”
“Yes, I am.” answered Roy, “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by you, but remember, you have the Mark of Justice and I have the password.”
“Um…Okay,” answered Belkar, “It looks like this is going to be more fun than I thought.

That’s as far as I’m going with that one, but I think that it would be fun to see other people’s interpretations. Also I must give credit to NamonakiRei’s “This is what I do in English class” for inspiration.

Random: How do you think you would be statted?

[Water-Smurf]

...Okay then. But if it looks like a specific chapter would be fine here, I'll tell you, okay?

Alright, thanks.

It's still a crack pairing and this is still the crack pairing thread.

I still wonder if it would be in poor taste to discuss it here...

What you could do is post your work on FF, like you said, and then post your PG-13 friendly stories here as well. That way, you're still contributing to this thread. I mean, look at how many stories you have made on the index.

I could do that. I have a bunch of stories going on that I can't see straying near the line for a long time, so I'll keep posting those.


Anyway, question! How do you think Aarindarius would react to the fact that Vaarsuvius willingly took a soul-splice? Or to anything he considers grossly out of character and evil that Vaarsuvius did/does?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Anyway, question! How do you think Aarindarius would react to the fact that Vaarsuvius willingly took a soul-splice? Or to anything he considers grossly out of character and evil that Vaarsuvius did/does?

...Not well.

[The Odor]

:D *Grabs baseball bat and large lead pipe*

That wont kill her.

[Sereg]

Random: How do you think you would be statted?

If you're talking to me, then:

I would guess my ability scores as STR 3, CHA 6, CON 8, DEX 12, WIS 14, INT 17.

As for the face, is that squick or not?

Alright here is part 3 of “A Twisted Tail”:

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Hieronymus was woken by ice-cold water being thrown in his face. “You!” he growled with venom. “Oh come on,” said his clone, “I woke you up for breakfast. I can’t have you starve. It will be less fun. Incidentally, I thought that you’d like to know that your wife is still a lot of fun.”
“I’m going to kill you, make you part of a flesh golem and then kill you again!” yelled Hieronymus. “Well if you’re not hungry,” said the clone, “I suppose that we can get straight to work.” He flashed a deadly grin at those words.

Hieronymus had the limits of his body thoroughly tested that day. He was stretched on the rack, spun in the centrifuge, held under cold water and subjected to many more procedures. “Come on,” said his clone as he bent his joints in directions that they were never meant to go, “it’s not so bad. I’ve still got plenty of healing potions for if things go a little too far.” Hieronymus hated this creation of his, but he couldn’t help feeling proud of it. He had created such a magnificent being. He was highly creative and these experiments were ingenious. He even found himself admiring his audaciousness and tenacity. If he was a fellow scientist, he would have considered him a worthy rival, even a potential partner. This was someone whom he’d be glad to ask for ideas. However, for now, Hieronymus had to concentrate on survival and escape, no matter how much he found himself enjoying his imprisonment.

Part 4 coming soon.

[Closak]

I imagine my real self would have stats along these lines.

Strenght: 8
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 10
Intelligence: 15
Wisdom: 12
Charisma: 7

When you take into account that 10 is the average for a normal person and that 18 is peak human while 3 is the bare minimum you can have...

Geez, i suck


Wow Sereg.
Your Strenght score is...is...how do i say this without offending anyone?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Me? If 10 is average, then...

Strength 9
Dexterity 11
Constitution 10
Intelligence 17
Wisdom 15
Charisma 8

...I suck.

[Sereg]

Wow Sereg.
Your Strenght score is...is...how do i say this without offending anyone?

Yes, I know. I've occaisionally wondered if I have the pathetic strength flaw. So those of you who think that you suck, remember, at least you don't have my strength score.

[Closak]

What's really depressing is that i seem to have the overall highest stats in my family.

My mother would look something like this.

Strenght: 6
Dexterity: 7
Constitution: 6
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 9
Charisma: 12


At least she's not half braindead like my father is

[CoffeeIncluded]

My younger brother?

Strength 9
Dexterity 12
Constitution 9
Intelligence 15
Wisdom 12
Charisma 16

And his class would likely be multiclass Bard/Barbarian (Rage).

[Asta Kask]

I wonder how V and Hermione would get along... hmm...

Oh, and Coffee, if the dog stops my brilliant scheme from working then I'm afraid there's only one thing to do.

*hands Coffee a tray with Zanaril's drinks*

Go find a veranda.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I wonder how V and Hermione would get along... hmm...

Oh, and Coffee, if the dog stops my brilliant scheme from working then I'm afraid there's only one thing to do.

*hands Coffee a tray with Zanaril's drinks*

Go find a veranda.

They'd be the best of friends!

...*Evil grin*

Sit on the outside porch? In winter?

Grubwiggler/Bozzok/Hank when I finish my midterms.

[NemoUtopia]

Heh, I've played this particular exercise alot. I've come to determine that my current stats look something like:
Str 9
Dex 11
Con 12
Int 15
Wis 12
Cha 11

The reasoning is that I'm not currently that strong, but a little working out could fix that...I'm also a rogue with some kind of alternate class feature for Sneak Attack. While very good at certain things, that's a nature of Skills more than scores. Dexterity and Cha represent I'm about average but have been working on it...more training (like, say, adventuring) could bump said stats. Con and Wis were recently bumpbed because of working on them, and I'm reasonably intelligent without bragging but it would take training [lots of it] and likely detriment to physical scores to get into the true 'higher echelons of humanity'.

Enjoying the Twisty Tale!

Tsukiko/Xykon and the first part of 'Miko's Heart' are underway, should both be completed today

[Asta Kask]

Sit on the outside porch? In winter?

You'd have to sit really close together to avoid freezing. And it's just to avoid freezing, isn't it? Nothing wrong with that.

OTOH, there's such a thing as being too subtle. Remember the Radic story I wrote? Is this guy a person who understands subtle hints or do you have to whack him on the back of the head with a large mallet?

Grubwiggler/Bozzok/Hank when I finish my midterms.

We don't have these in Sweden so excuse me if I'm ignorant. Are they on any specific subjects or just general "you should know this by now" questions?

[Sereg]

I wonder how V and Hermione would get along... hmm...

Hawt!

Enjoying the Twisty Tale!

Tsukiko/Xykon and the first part of 'Miko's Heart' are underway, should both be completed today

Yay and double yay!

[Zanaril]

You'd have to sit really close together to avoid freezing. And it's just to avoid freezing, isn't it? Nothing wrong with that.

Unfortunately, you still need more layers of clothes.

[Asta Kask]

Unfortunately, you still need more layers of clothes.

There's a lot you can do even with clothes on. And I get the general feeling Coffee is saving the things you do without clothes for when it's legal.

[CoffeeIncluded]

You'd have to sit really close together to avoid freezing. And it's just to avoid freezing, isn't it? Nothing wrong with that.

In jackets? Besides, I'm a summer person. I like the heat.

OTOH, there's such a thing as being too subtle. Remember the Radic story I wrote? Is this guy a person who understands subtle hints or do you have to whack him on the back of the head with a large mallet?

There's a reason I had to say it to his face.

We don't have these in Sweden so excuse me if I'm ignorant. Are they on any specific subjects or just general "you should know this by now" questions?

Do you have finals? Like that, but halfway through the year.

There's a lot you can do even with clothes on. And I get the general feeling Coffee is saving the things you do without clothes for when it's legal.

Gee, you think? (Of course I am!)

[NemoUtopia]

Blargle-fargle. Well, here's part one of "Tsukiko's Ploy", which it seems will be a two-part story of moderate length. Hate it when stories organically develop natural cliffhangers, but what's a fellow to do? Of course, I could just leave it as a cliffhanger and say "that's it", but the cliffhanger has me too interested to cop out like that. You'll note that I'm using these (like much of my other fan writing) as writing exercises, so the style changes seemingly at random across works. Hopefully the tone is similar/obviously-me though...

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Tsukiko was dutifully deciphering scrolls to add to her expansive spell knowledge and assist in her research into the one spell she really wanted. The one spell that would grant her what even wish couldn’t give her. The spell to unlock the truth of the undead and…

There was a sudden ‘SLAM’ as the door burst inward, hitting the wall. Tsukiko growls in frustration as Redcloak One-Eye starts harassing her with orders, “Have you deciphered those new scrolls yet? We don’t have all millennium you know. Xykon needs anything that will help us take that gate. Now tell me what you’ve gotten done so far before our leader decides there’s more Idiot Tax in this for the both of us.”

Tsukiko sighed, it was so unfair. Here Redcloak had just interrupted her, and she had been just a round away from Deciphering this particularly pesky specimen. Cutting in before Redcloak started on his rant about her ‘attitude problem’, Tsukiko droned, “The city hasn’t been a complete waste, there’s nearly a seventh level wizard’s spellbook of things to speed up our movement. It’s these complex ones I’m still working on! You know, this would go so much faster if you I had help.”

Redcloak put the Power Word: Death to that idea, “Right, and if I had more help I wouldn’t exhaust all my spell slots in a day expediting things to keep Xykon from deciding we’re not worth the five-foot squares we’re standing on. The boss will be around to order minions to move the stock along since I have to go raise more cannon fodder…”

Tsukiko snickered surreptitiously, before returning to the tiring drudgery. Someday that great, powerful lich would appreciate her work…

The door burst open again, and Tsukiko snapped up eagerly. Sure enough, her lord and master Xykon had come to her as Redcloak had promised! Tsukiko gleefully held up her latest accomplishment, a real Scroll of Wish. Before Xykon could say a thing, she volunteered everything, “Xykon baby, that whole stock is right by the door for the minions, but THIS is a full wish I slaved over just for my favorite anatomical study!”

Xykon’s red eyes shot up in surprise, “Really? You can never get enough XP-cost exempt wishes…an uppity paladin was hiding in the ruins and managed a smite evil before I freed him of all his XP.”

Tsukiko didn’t think, she just cast Inflict Critical Wounds and rubbed Xykon’s shoulder. She immediately realized her multitude of errors in the action, but she had meant the best. Really! Xykon shivered, and Tsukiko feared the worst as Xykon spoke with dangerous and deliberate slowness, “If you do that again without permission, I will make sure O’Chul’s torment looks kind in comparison. Now do that again with more shoulder rub. My left blade is digging into the ball-and-socket.”

Tsukiko suppressed a squeal of glee and obeyed Xykon expediently, shivering as Xykon’s bones popped back into alignment and her master shivered again with a little ‘ooo, you’re my new chiropractor.’ Tsukiko was glad she was wearing her bedroom clothes and pressed up against Xykon’s back. She spoke softly, “Is there any other new way I can serve you, my lord?”

Xykon cracked his neck and waved a hand dismissively, “Just make sure that scroll is in my personal scroll rack tonight, and make sure the minions don’t harm the stock.”

Sweeping away rudely, Xykon swept off muttering something about how ‘Redcloak better not be incurring more taxes…’

Tsukiko sighed in disappointment before brightening in hope, but couldn’t ignore the tingling running through her body. His personal scroll-rack, eh? After she got the minions taken care of she could take care of herself…

[Asta Kask]

Do you have finals? Like that, but halfway through the year.

No, not really. At least I didn't, but who knows what has happened since I went to school.

We had normal tests, usually about once per week, for a specific subject. Then we had "central" tests where all the kids (of the appropriate age) in the country were given the same test so they could compare results.

But the school is historically the great playground for inventive politicians out to make a career for themselves so, like I said, a lot can have happened.

[CoffeeIncluded]

I like that story Nemo. How did Tsukiko get scrolls of Wish though?

No, not really. At least I didn't, but who knows what has happened since I went to school.

We had normal tests, usually about once per week, for a specific subject. Then we had "central" tests where all the kids (of the appropriate age) in the country were given the same test so they could compare results.

But the school is historically the great playground for inventive politicians out to make a career for themselves so, like I said, a lot can have happened.

Well, it's basically a big test covering everything that we've done so far in the class this year. And it's worth double.

And if I get less than a B on the physics midterm, I'm DEAD.

[NemoUtopia]

I like that story Nemo. How did Tsukiko get scrolls of Wish though?

The idea is based on the immediate aftermath of ~#650-670 when Xykon's retinue is supposedly on the move and has only taken items of appreciable value along with them, so Tsukiko, when not using spell slots to assist Redcloak or maintain the armies, is presumably doing something useful. In this case, putting the magical mind to work dechiphering scrolls from the libraries which is presumably something Xykon just doesn't do (I can't think of a single IC reason why Xykon would do that unless he was hunting a specific spell/ritual and plenty of IC reasons why he wouldn't)

Well, it's basically a big test covering everything that we've done so far in the class this year. And it's worth double.

And if I get less than a B on the physics midterm, I'm DEAD.

Oof. Good luck on the tests!

[Asta Kask]

Well, it's basically a big test covering everything that we've done so far in the class this year. And it's worth double.

And if I get less than a B on the physics midterm, I'm DEAD.

Well, good luck then (if I believed in luck).

[CoffeeIncluded]

Yes, but I don't think that Tsukiko's caster level is high enough to write several scrolls of Wish.

Well, good luck then (if I believed in luck).

Luck has a personal vendetta against me. I never win.

[NemoUtopia]

Yes, but I don't think that Tsukiko's caster level is high enough to write several scrolls of Wish.

Decipher, not write. Although often glossed over in many campaigns, a wizard can't just use any random scroll lying around willy nilly, even they are of the necessary level and it's on their caster list. Unless another caster who can use the scroll (because they made it or learned from whatever chain of events from the caster or deciphered it themselves) instructs the recipient on the specifics of that particular writing it must first be interpreted and understood by the one intending to do the casting. There are a bunch of different ways to do it, but it's functionally the Decipher Script skill using Knowledge (arcana) and Spellcraft. Once understood, the caster can add it to a spell book (consuming the scroll) or save it for later casting. You're right, the caster level and resources to scribe one herself are probably beyond Tsukiko.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Oh, okay. Thanks.

[Asta Kask]

If you need any help on the physics test, just PM me. I like teaching, so you're not disturbing me.

I have a suggestion for a thread title: Our therapists are working overtime.

I know mine sounds like Darth Vader - release your anger, let go of your feelings. Although she doesn't have the voice.

[NemoUtopia]

If you need any help on the physics test, just PM me. I like teaching, so you're not disturbing me.

I have a suggestion for a thread title: Our therapists are working overtime.

I know mine sounds like Darth Vader - release your anger, let go of your feelings. Although she doesn't have the voice.

GIVE IN TO YOUR HATRED *kaffkaff*

Sorry. But yeah, I'd do something like "Our therapists work overtime with each other" so that it's a multiplicative entendre

[CoffeeIncluded]

I have a suggestion for a thread title: Our therapists are working overtime.

I know mine sounds like Darth Vader - release your anger, let go of your feelings. Although she doesn't have the voice.

So how many people on this thread see mental health professionals? (I see two. )