Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Coidzor]

Oh, there's at least three or four phases of "married" in that stack, but none of those have come with the 'hostessing, name-has-been-changed, and holiday awareness' skill set.

Huh. One'd think that'd be known and dispelled that it was not gonna happen well before marriage was on the table. Guess it could never really come up though...

Sorta weird thinking about cultural hospitality, come to think of it.

[Form]

There is an issue I need help with. I wish I could handle it all by myself, but I feel I need someone's else advice.

I am a loner. I have been so for over 22 years now with no close friends and I’ve never had a significant other. There are some folks I talk to on a regular basis and little group I see on a fairly regular basis, but I still feel like an outsider. I seem to be unable to get close to people and unable to connect with them. In the past I’ve always managed to ignore it simply by keeping myself distracted, but that is just running away from the problem rather than solving it. The realization is depressing, but I must deal with it in a better way than I have in the past.

I want to finally find myself a girlfriend and there is a girl at work I am genuinely interested in, but I do not know if it is a good idea to do so whilst I still am like this. She seems like a fairly shy person, though I can’t really tell since I hardly know her. I have spoken to her a few times, but always only briefly and these days I only see her on occasion when passing through the hall. I am thinking of simply asking her to lunch or for coffee at the workplace one of these days, but I am unsure whether I should or what to do afterwards should she even agree.

Another thing that concerns me is that I’ve asked another girl out a little while back, also at the workplace. She wasn’t interested and that’s fine, but I’m worried whether it would be appropriate to make a move on another girl at work. I don’t want to be some creep who’s always hitting on his colleagues.

All of this is absolutely terrifying to me. I’ve only asked a girl out once in my life, I am entirely incompetent at flirting, I have no idea whether she’d be even remotely interested and I have no experience with any of this whatsoever. Should I just ask her for lunch one of the next days? Should I wait? Or should I just leave things be?

My concerns probably look very silly to all of you, but I just don’t have a clue. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in effective solitude and I know I have to do something, but I don’t know what and could use an outside observer.

[Serpentine]

Eh, I think at least, if you think you'd like her, you should talk to her and hang out. You don't have to - and it's not necessarily a good idea to - go in seeking a girlfriend. Just get to know her better. Make a friend. It might help your social skills in general, and if you end up with a girlfriend, bonus.

[skywalker]

Huh. One'd think that'd be known and dispelled that it was not gonna happen well before marriage was on the table. Guess it could never really come up though...

Sorta weird thinking about cultural hospitality, come to think of it.

I think the main point is that his perception of her (or what she ought be) is not quite coterminous with her perception of her, both of which may or may not approximate the "real Quincunx." I think that's right.

[loopy]

Clubbing with the girl I mentioned last post went well, though I had to leave early due to work the next day.

Now all I have to do is stop teasing her quite so much. Seriously, can't help it, its a problem.

[term1nally s1ck]

Boys of 10 and under tease the girls they like. This never really seems to stop. I take the mick out of every girl I meet, and the more I'm attracted to them, or the closer we are, the more I tease. Never caused a problem yet

[loopy]

Boys of 10 and under tease the girls they like. This never really seems to stop. I take the mick out of every girl I meet, and the more I'm attracted to them, or the closer we are, the more I tease. Never caused a problem yet

True enough, and its my normal modus operandi as well, but after a certain point the teasing hits a point where its: "Hey, I like you! Pay attention to meeeee!"

Just gotta stop it from going that far, haha.

[Superglucose]

Boys of 10 and under tease the girls they like. This never really seems to stop. I take the mick out of every girl I meet, and the more I'm attracted to them, or the closer we are, the more I tease. Never caused a problem yet

That's part of my hypothesis on growing up, specifically, that we never grow up and just over time grow more cynical and forget what fun is

[xPANCAKEx]

True enough, and its my normal modus operandi as well, but after a certain point the teasing hits a point where its: "Hey, I like you! Pay attention to meeeee!"

Just gotta stop it from going that far, haha.

good sir

i reccommend a strategem of not only teasing her, but large quantities of teasing other people - that way shes not the sole focus of your attention, and also she can feel she can have fun and laugh in your presence

[Superglucose]

Awww... nuts.

So my buddies and I went to the XKCD meet today, I got something signed by Randall Monroe, which was cool (XKCD 0 SP 1, which is quite brilliant by the way), met some people from around the world, etc. We played a game of Mafia which was mostly charactarized by me making friends by going, "IT WAS IONDRAGON" only substituting his real name.

After the initial festivities had died down and it was reduced to people waiting in line for Monroe's autograph (which I got later), this really cute asian girl named Kim started congregating near the bread and cheese area (by the way, minuet cheese is FANTASTIC on bagels as well as sourdough). We (Ion and myself) started giving her some cheese as everyone talked about just... stuff.

She left to go get her autograph, and afterwords came back over to where we were to say goodbye to me. As she was leaving she patted me on the shoulder and left.

I am also the biggest idiot on the face of the planet.

*sigh* instead of calling her tomorrow and arranging a second meetup (one of a more private nature) I will be sitting at home playing a video game and preparing for my all-store meeting. Oh well, maybe I'll run into one of her friends on IRC/XKCD fora and they'll help me get in touch with her.

[term1nally s1ck]

....yeah, I've been there. Not a fun feeling, but there's always another opportunity.

[Jack Squat]

I'm seeking a little bit different advice than normal. How do I get people to stop being interested in me? I'm currently seeing someone, and I've been asked out 3 times in the past week, and had another two girls admit to having a crush on me. While the ego boost is nice, and the offers would have been entertained a month ago, I'd rather not have this be a (more) common occurrence.

[term1nally s1ck]

Well known phenomenon, unfortunately. The natural confidence boost and comfortableness with yourself that comes with a relationship tends to increase your attractiveness. No known way of preventing it, unfortunately.

[Dornath]

I've got what I assume is a common issue.

I've been with my girlfriend for a few months, and we're pretty close. Coming up on the last year of highschool together. Because I took a year off to go on a foreign exchange, I'm 18 where she is 16 (Turning 17 in december, my birthday is in february).

She has told me that while she IS attracted to me, she doesn't want to be physical beyond making out. The problem is here. I feel, due to my paranoia, that it's because she doesn't actually find me attractive.

Does anyone have any advice on how to NOT be paranoid?

PM for more details if you need them.

[Lillith]

@ Dornath: It doesn't have to be anything about if she's attracted to you or not. I remember from personal experience that anything past making out was extremely terrifying for me. Though that was more or less because I have intimacy issues, but the thing is, some girls are maybe not ready at that age. Or she wants to wait till marriage. Maybe she is kind of scared of it. There are a lot of reasons why she might not want to go further that have nothing to do with you or if she's attracted to you. Hell with my current boyfriend I am absolutely attracted to him but dear Lord the intimacy thing was and still is a big problem for me. While hell I won't be able to keep my hands off him if I see him. Anyways, long story short, don't be paranoid. It's not uncommon for girls here age to not be ready yet. Give her time.

[Jack Squat]

Well known phenomenon, unfortunately. The natural confidence boost and comfortableness with yourself that comes with a relationship tends to increase your attractiveness. No known way of preventing it, unfortunately.

My confidence level and comfortability with myself hasn't changed. If it'd have been any higher when I was single, I'd have been jumping off buildings, convinced I was Superman

Really though, this has been happening before I started seeing the girl I am (not really a true relationship yet as neither of us have the time to commit), just not at this past frequency - maybe every other week or so. It's only now that it's become (more or less) unwanted. Helps that recently a good number of them have been fairly underage too...(16, I'm 21)

[Keld Denar]

Update: I screwed up the courage to go talk to the cute indian chick next door. Her name is Laxmi. She works for Boeing as an engineer! I'm an engineer too! She was cooking when I went over there to talk to her, so she gave me some! Its califlower and potatoes with indian spices. I'll try it in a bit. I asked if she liked to go hiking, and she said yes, so I offered to take her into the Olympic National Park some time soon. Fun fun fun!

Probably should wait a bit before I take her to the hotspings over there. Its kinda a clothing optional place...

[Superglucose]

Flawless victory! Congratulations, my friend!

[Trellan]

I second the congrats Keld; it's nice to hear of things going well. You gotta keep us updated about how the hike goes

[term1nally s1ck]

My confidence level and comfortability with myself hasn't changed. If it'd have been any higher when I was single, I'd have been jumping off buildings, convinced I was Superman

Really though, this has been happening before I started seeing the girl I am (not really a true relationship yet as neither of us have the time to commit), just not at this past frequency - maybe every other week or so. It's only now that it's become (more or less) unwanted. Helps that recently a good number of them have been fairly underage too...(16, I'm 21)

Hm. Ok, how about this. Wear a VERY risque t-shirt. Like the "I f- on the first date" ones.

Seriously, same thing happened to me. I'm naturally confident and outgoing anyway, but still there was some signal they were picking up on. I never solved it. I think it's that you don't appear interested, which intrigues them and makes you seem like a challenge.

[tomandtish]

Just a random question:

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.


Personally, I don't buy the whole "We're making a new family!" argument for taking the mans name. But I'm also not attached to my current surname. I've talked with Oz about this and we came to the conclusion that when/if we get married, we'd maybe take an entirely different name. Aside from that, I'm already planning to change my name to my great grandmothers maiden name because A. it sounds cool and B. it's closer to my Italian heritage. Thankfully, Oz likes said surname that I want to change to, so there is a chance he'd be 'technically' taking my name, lol. Most likely, though, I'll get my new surname of my own and he'll keep his.

tl;dr: It's up to the person, but I'd rather change both our surnames to something different, if we're set on changing surnames.

We both took the hyphenated name when we got married (my wife prefers to stay internet anonymous so I won't list the real ones), but she was a "Smith" and I was a "Doe" and now we are both "Smith-Doe". No problems so far (although it took 5 years before one of my very conservative grandmothers accepted it).

[Superglucose]

Operation: Reconnect with Meagan is away in full force. I got in contact with a mutual friend (and forgot how much I miss hanging out with my old high school buddies in the meantime... also this girl is hot and she just got back from a 19 day trip down the Grand Canyon... I mean AWESOME?! or what?) who is working on procuring her address for me so I can send a letter.

Honestly that just makes me feel more like there are forces at work beyond my control... because the first message that I received was "It's right on her facebook page, but I don't think that address is right so I'll go check for you."

This girl is smart (is studying physics at Brown smart), so she probably made the connection of me not having access to Meagan's facebook profile (especially since our communiques are via facebook) and said she'd look into it as quickly as possible. She probably has a very good clue as to what's going on.

I also happen to know (from being friends with her during High School) that she understands me. Like, I've never had to explain why I did something or what I was thinking, because she understood where I was coming from immediately.

Since about last fall (when my at-the-time gf visited me and we spent an entire night talking about this) it's slowly feeling more and more like everyone who knows us has been slowly working on pushing us together. Seriously, when Rachel and I broke up, my best friend Steffy said, "I always thought you and Meagan would make a great couple." That was years ago.

That being said, I am not going to put my life on hold because something might possibly begin to work out. I'll still be doing my normal life thing and procuring numbers. Just... hopefully I'll be able to delete all of them in a month or two

*crosses his fingers*

Seriously. Meagan is the only reason I rescinded my old policy of "never date close friends." I want this to work out very much. It may not, but then again it might. Right now it comes down to whether or not I'm right, and whether or not I'm too late. I hope the answers are "Yes" and "No" and precisely in that order.

[Quincunx]

Jack Squat et alia: There's a period right after you get into a relationship but before you cultivate an air of being 'taken' or 'part of a couple' and it's like chum in the water to good yet single people. You can project the relationship by dragging along the stepladder and bullhorn, but that's annoying and doesn't exactly fix the disconnect. What you have to do is consciously change what you're projecting from "by myself and happy with myself" to "in a relationship, please don't ask".

[xPANCAKEx]

Jack Squat

don't sweat it - it dies down eventually. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it never completely stops, but as long as it doesn't make your other half unhappy, and you handle it in a polite/mature way then no-harm-no-foul really

[onthetown]

This has been driving me crazy:

I've just started going out with this amazing guy. We've been best friends for five years, he's actually my DM, and we're almost completely happy together. He adores me and it's been killing him to watch me go through abusive relationships over the years, so he's determined to make me as happy as possible.

The problem is that I have been in a lot of abusive relationships, either with boyfriends or fathers or other men in my life or even just friends. It's my last boyfriend that's driving a stake between us. He would lie to me about illegal stuff he was doing, try to pressure me into sex with open-ended threats ("I don't know how much longer I can wait," and when asked if that meant he would cheat on me, "I don't know, I just can't wait anymore"), make up stories about how he had to leave early or how he couldn't hang out, ignored me for a week or more at a time, and the piece de resistance: he had been sleeping with my other ex for the entire time we had been going out and for years before we had ever met. My father was very physically and emotionally abusive toward me while I was growing up (nothing like sexual abuse, he was just very, very rough with me when he found out he was a schizophrenic alcoholic and I was a pretty small kid, but we've sort of made up now) and my step-father is currently very emotionally abusive toward me. My other ex was just a moron and was playing me. All of my friends (most of them are guys) have ditched me or stopped talking to me over the years so they could be nasty to me to appease their new friends. Needless to say, I don't trust people but I especially distrust men.

I am desperately trying to get over my last boyfriend (the one who was sleeping with my other ex) so that I can trust this guy. He's wonderful and patient and not without baggage of his own, but we try to work through all that. But every time he says he's busy one day and can't hang out, or says he has to leave early, it makes me wonder if there's something else going on. I had actually started falling in love with him/got a crush on him several months before the last boyfriend and I broke up, but I thought it was just because of how I was being treated and I really wanted somebody who actually loved me; now I've been going out with this guy for a few months and I know that I love him because I just love him.

The problem, obviously, is me. But I don't know how to get over all of this. I'm scared it's going to drive him away.

[J.Gellert]

He adores me and it's been killing him to watch me go through abusive relationships over the years, so he's determined to make me as happy as possible.

First of all, congratulations, very few people realize such things. We often push away those that try to help us.

I might have said "if you've been in such relationships, and didn't realize it until they were over, how can you tell that now it's different?". However, you seem to acknowledge that you did have some abusive relationships, so at least you know what the problem is.

Some people are just busy. That doesn't mean they don't care. Don't consider it a bad thing unless many more clouds are gathered.

Try to look for other warning signs, or compare this relationship and past ones. It's hard to do objectively, but you might spot things you hadn't before. Alternatively, if you find none, then you will have an easier time calming yourself and trusting someone. Then at least you will know you have trust issues and acknowledging such personal problems really is half the solution. If it comes to that, you can even talk this over with the guy.

Still, the cynic in me wants to say "don't trust anyone, ever" but I'll just say "don't trust anyone until they earn it".

At least keep in mind that if he really cares, he won't be driven away easily.

[Syka]

onthetown, ouch. I read the post before you changed it and just wow.

The best advice I can give you is to be open with him. Maybe let him know when you are getting worried, but add that you KNOW it's nothing he's doing; you just need reassurance. You'd be surprised how much keeping the lines of communication open in such a manner can help. If it's just a minor twitch in the back of your mind, distract yourself. But if it's becoming overwhelming, that is when talking about it can help tremendously.

There are probably other methods, but that was what helped me the most in getting over the baggage from my past relationships in regards to my new one. I mean, even 3 years on I still have flashes of paranoia with Oz but...it's easier to squelch now. It's no longer consuming and I'm comfortable enough with him to know that an "I'm tired" or something is nothing against me. In the beginning, for instance, if he got angry I would start to shut down and get passive aggressive- which is what worked in my previous relationship. It took a bit, but now if he gets angry I know it's not me personally and I'm able to instead calm him down, instead of making it worse.

I can empathize about your feelings. After having mostly unhealthy relationships, a healthy one can seem so weird. When I began dating Oz, and I was freaked out because I didn't really know how to have a healthy relationship. I've seen the same thing happen with my friends who were in bad relationships who then got in good ones. The only thing that can cure that is time, though. Practice and time.

[Rama]

Hey all.

First time posting on this thread, and this is probably more venting/cleansing than asking for help, but here goes.

So I was sitting down with my girlfriend of two years+ last night, who's been living with me a long time now, and we're going through her digital camera looking at some pictures she'd just taken of her cat. And we flip to a picture of, to keep it clean, an extreme closeup of a woman's privates. She skips past it and says something like "where the hell did that come from, who's been messing with my camera".

But I'm concerned about it. We've been having some intimacy issues as is and been talking for a while about it, trying (or so I thought) to work through it. So when she goes to work this morning, I do something bad - I pull up some of her skype chat logs with other guys. Just to check, because I can't get it out of my head.

And I find esex. Lots of it, over the past three months. Including discussions of times to get on webcams while I'm out of town on business trips. As well as disparaging comments about me, the tamest of which is "she doesnt know why she ever moved in with me".

So now I'm sitting here waiting for her to get home, any minute now, to break up with her. Fortunately the house and everything is in my name, not hers, so that's not a problem. But the worst part is, I had thought we were about to turn the corner and we're improving, and I love her; so I put down a deposit on a ring last week. I guess it's good I found out now, but this really hurts.

I guess I should have known better. A couple of my female friends told me when I first explained the situation as it existed two months ago that she probably didn't want me anymore and was just waiting for me to initiate the breakup. But like an idiot I didn't listen, and believed her when she said she wanted to work it out and fix the problems.

Honestly if she says when I confront her that she really wants to be with me, I know I'll have a hard time not accepting it. I don't know whether that's more pathetic or stupid. Either way I'm feeling extremely both at the moment.

Thanks for putting up with this; it does help at least temporarily to write it out.

[Syka]

*hugs* Good luck. That's...about all the advice I can give. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[Eadin]

@Rama
Oh my, I'm so soryy this happened to you
*hugs* Good luck