Dakhem Uaid's Big Book of Useless Magic Items

[ReaderAt2046]

Use the Sandwich Trick* to become the ring. Congrats on becoming indestructible.


*(turn the ring into a sentient creature with duration spell like Polymorph -> True Mind Switch into the creature's body -> Polymorph expires, reverting your new body back into ring form)

But you're also a ring, so your abilities in this new form may be a bit limited.

[Slipperychicken]

But you're also a ring, so your abilities in this new form may be a bit limited.

A psion wouldn't be terribly hindered if he already had all-day flight (which he should if he has access to True Mind Switch.

Another sort of caster just needs to ignore verbal and somatic components. Gloves of Man gets him the somatic IIRC. Using Silent Spell (or being a Beguiler) is a small price to pay for indestructibility.

And you can always True Mind Switch into a big, strong, handsome fighter's body if you get bored of being a ring.

[ReaderAt2046]

A psion wouldn't be terribly hindered if he already had all-day flight (which he should if he has access to True Mind Switch.

Another sort of caster just needs to ignore verbal and somatic components. Gloves of Man gets him the somatic IIRC. Using Silent Spell (or being a Beguiler) is a small price to pay for indestructibility.

And you can always True Mind Switch into a big, strong, handsome fighter's body if you get bored of being a ring.

A ring can't wear gloves. Also, even a psion may find having no hands or feet or mouth or sensory organs kind of inconvenient.

[Slipperychicken]

A ring can't wear gloves.

I'm AFB, but I think they were some thing from Savage Species to allow creatures without grasping hands to still manipulate objects. Do they require a hands slot?

[Joe the Rat]

[*]Pimp Hat of Disguise: ostentatiously floppy purple hat which acts as a Hat of Disguise except it doesn't affect itself[/LIST]

"Lich better have my money."

I don't think I've ever seen someone play with a Hat of Disguise that did affect itself. The last two were a fez and a Stetson (that's a cowboy hat).
I tend to play with rather silly people.

[Proud Tortoise]

...scrod clammit, I need to check my user CP more than once a month.

[Elkreeal]

Some how I think something fun can be taken from this:
http://mochakimono.chipx86.com/agen2.html

The temperature spikes by 40 degrees F and then you turn into a small bird twice.

Your wings, if any, both turn gray and then you grow a pair of white feathery wings twice. This might seem inconvenient LOL

You turn into a mouse, then you grow a pair of black dragon wings, and finally you are wracked with pain from head to toe. Oh man

[Elkreeal]

Cudgel Of Nailing: Every time you hit someone with this weapon your nails grow.

[Jay R]

Golden Helmet of Mambrino. It looks like an ordinary shaving basin, and can only be recognized for what it is by a perfect knight errant. Worn by such a knight, it will convince him that he is immune to all harm.

Rod of Spender. A charge from this rod will compel the user to spend 7,000 to 10,000 gp on clothing of the finest fabrics, plus adornments of furs and jewels.

[ComatosePhoenix]

Blacker Cauldron: a pot that is a really really dark black color. Darker than a preachers socks, not that really really really dark blue the super markets call black but a true, genuine, really really really dark black. oddly it bleaches all cloth inserted into the cauldron.

Axe of Cleaving: By placing the axe between two objects then performing an action that can only be described as a reversed chop, the two objects are stuck together for an indefinite duration. when used as an axe it simply functions as a slightly subpar axe.

Scroll of Scroll: As you read the scroll rolls itself along its spindles.

Scroll of splitting: when read, it divides itself into two scrolls of splitting each weighing half of the original scrolls weight. the skill check for reading these scrolls doubles due to the smaller text.

Chaves's skull: A skull of a wizard most likely named Chaves's. It is assumed to be a wizards skull because every 8 hours, a pointed hat will appear on chaves's head. the hat will have the name chaves written on the tag, otherwise unremarkable and blue.

scroll of roll: when read polymorphs into a Croissant, still tastes like a scroll.

wand of want: makes the caster desire the target, the manner of the desire appears to be random.

potion of interesting flavors: can be mixed with any other potion to change its flavor, flavor is unique to each person, but consistant with future mixes. on its own it tastes like water.

wooden steak: a steak made out of wood, continually casts a low level turn undead spell in a 14' radius.

Cornucopia of the abyss: a horn of plenty that has apparently run out. When looked into it is possible to see a shifting dark abyss, however it is impossible to put anything into the cornucopia as it will fall back out after about 12 seconds.

[Slipperychicken]

Blacker Cauldron: a pot that is a really really dark black color. Darker than a preachers socks, not that really really really dark blue the super markets call black but a true, genuine, really really really dark black. oddly it bleaches all cloth inserted into the cauldron.

Axe of Cleaving: By placing the axe between two objects then performing an action that can only be described as a reversed chop, the two objects are stuck together for an indefinite duration. when used as an axe it simply functions as a slightly subpar axe.

Scroll of Scroll: As you read the scroll rolls itself along its spindles.

Scroll of splitting: when read, it divides itself into two scrolls of splitting each weighing half of the original scrolls weight. the skill check for reading these scrolls doubles due to the smaller text.

Chaves's skull: A skull of a wizard most likely named Chaves's. It is assumed to be a wizards skull because every 8 hours, a pointed hat will appear on chaves's head. the hat will have the name chaves written on the tag, otherwise unremarkable and blue.

scroll of roll: when read polymorphs into a Croissant, still tastes like a scroll.

wand of want: makes the caster desire the target, the manner of the desire appears to be random.

potion of interesting flavors: can be mixed with any other potion to change its flavor, flavor is unique to each person, but consistant with future mixes. on its own it tastes like water.

wooden steak: a steak made out of wood, continually casts a low level turn undead spell in a 14' radius.

Cornucopia of the abyss: a horn of plenty that has apparently run out. When looked into it is possible to see a shifting dark abyss, however it is impossible to put anything into the cornucopia as it will fall back out after about 12 seconds.

These are quite amusing, I tip my hat to you. The wooden steak and axe of cleaving are pretty useful though.

[Rockphed]

A few from my list, shamelessly stolen from various places:

• Pimp Hat of Disguise: ostentatiously floppy purple hat which acts as a Hat of Disguise except it doesn't affect itself

I would have had all its disguises include gold teeth, chains, and fur coats. It actually sounds like a good hat to wear publicly, and then take off when attempting to lose pursuit.

[ReaderAt2046]

A few from my list, shamelessly stolen from various places:

• Bag of Molding: anything placed within becomes moldy
• Blindfold of Sight: allows you to see like you normally would
• Indestructible Ring: the ring is indestructable. it does not bestow this property on the wearer
• Magic Coin: When targeted by the spell Detect Magic or similar effect, this coin detects as magical. That is its magical property.
• Pimp Hat of Disguise: ostentatiously floppy purple hat which acts as a Hat of Disguise except it doesn't affect itself

The Blindfold of Sight could be very useful. After all, everyone else will think you are blinded, and act appropriately.

[Segev]

An umbrella which causes its owner to forget to pack it whenever it's going to rain.

[Erik Vale]

I really like the mysterious stranger cloak. When your ready for the final showdown, take a sec to put it on, then begin the slow walk to your opponent.

Intimidation check ho!

Edit: Or high levels use it to perform mook horror shows on low levels. Either's fine.

[ComatosePhoenix]

This thread needs more posts

Miscast Fireball: A flaming orb that can be held and thrown like a fireball spell, doesn't explode but instead deals about as much damage as a rock. Does produce illumination.

Soviet Handgun: an enchanted pistol that when fired causes the wielder to be flung forward with tremendous force.

Comatose Phoenix: a immortal firebird that won't wake up. clearly alive, and any attempt to kill it will result in the usual flaming explosion/rebirth. coos if you stroke the feathers.

Blindfold of the Night: allows you to see in the dark, still operates like a normal blindfold.

needlessly large rod: a 11' pole, may be wielded like a quarterstaff and used to touch things that you wouldn't dare touch with a 10' pole.

Warrior's helm of Good Rest: Increases how well you recover from damage by sleeping. the effect fades if you leave combat.

Axe of mindless slaughter: This axe is imbued with terrible power. Instantly allowing you to kill any harmless creature with one stroke. Gore explosions available at GM's discretion.

Sheath of protection from Back Stabbing: When implanted in your back any attempts to stab you in the back will result in the weapon being sheathed.

Matrix Goggles: Reveals the true nature of the world around you.

Loaded Dice: a set of dice that functions as a bag of holding. wait what?

WetNoodle+1: a mandatory upgrade from a basic wet noodle

unToaster Oven: removes burns. also removes tans somehow.

Bottle of Rainbows: Pulling the cork will cause a Rainbow to burst forth forcing you to question everything you understand about the refraction of light. Rainbow arcs after a set period of time and will produce a pile of leprechaun gold at the destination. Leprechaun gold has a 90% chance of disapearing but you might get a couple coins out of the deal. also makes a much better party popper.

[Kadzar]

Comatose Phoenix: a immortal firebird that won't wake up. clearly alive, and any attempt to kill it will result in the usual flaming explosion/rebirth. coos if you stroke the feathers.

I could see this as making a very interesting fire starter. If there isn't too much of a delay in how often you can kill it again, it would make a good power source for some type of engine.

[ComatosePhoenix]

Something tells me the Fantasy equivalent of the aspca wouldn't approve of repeated phoenix murder just to make a train run.

Come on people contribute something.

Horn of Goreing Blowing this horn will destabalize all creatures in a 12" radius causing them to die in an horribly gruesome fashion regardless of the cause of death. Fatal wounds will bleed Excessively and an otherwise peaceful death may be enhanced by coughing up blood, or the corpse gibbing on death.
Additional notes. the horn will cure blood clots and in careful medical application allow a patient to reproduce lost blood quicker.

Jeez I normally don't like Gore but I keep coming up with fun ideas :/

[Kadzar]

Something tells me the Fantasy equivalent of the aspca wouldn't approve of repeated phoenix murder just to make a train run.

The way I see it is, one, assuming my understanding of comas is correct, it can't feel any pain while unconscious, and, two, it always comes back to life, so you're not really depriving it of life. Then there's the possible of loss of dignity, but I say, if you were stuck in a coma from which you could never recover, would you rather be stuck in a bed for the rest of your life or be used as the power source in an awesome magitec train?

[ReaderAt2046]

* Amulet of Summon Hot Dude/Summon Hot Chick: Does exactly what it sounds like.

* Scroll of Summon Taxi: As here

* Scroll of Summon Pop Star: As here

[Joe the Rat]

Irresistible Fork: Any being that sees this magic trident must make a DC20 Will save, or be Compelled to acquire it.

Sages and Scholars have long debated what happens when an Immovable Rod meets an Irresistible Fork. It makes a sound like 'tink!'

[Jay R]

* Amulet of Summon Hot Dude/Summon Hot Chick: Does exactly what it sounds like.

... but always the one (dude or chick) you didn't want.

[jokem]

Golden Goose - When grasped firmly with both hands and a command word spoken, a golden colored egg-shaped orb will appear. On close examination it will be found to be made from common materials. At the same time, a Mage Hand spell will activate and briefly grasp the users buttocks.

[jokem]

... but always the one (dude or chick) you didn't want.

No, it is always a very attractive one, but you need a ring of fire resistance to touch.