Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Trixie: "I swear to Luna, if this is time traveling shenanigans..."

Nick Fury: "**** if I know. I'd be making DC movies if I did."

A game with both Trixie and Nick Fury is the best kind of game.

---

GM: A magical portal filled with hearts and diamonds and other card suits opens. A unicorn jumps out and headbutts you.
Unicorn: You ****ing idiot!
Kula: I don't think any of us expected that.
Yukari: I did.

Kula: Not often you see haunted nightclubs.
Bruce: I dunno, some places in Southend...

Madeline: No! We're not going back to the raccoon! He'll try to sell us a stick with poo on it or something, and I'll buy it because I'm gullible!

Madeline: I'm going to divide him by 0.

Number man: I know all of the numbers there are! Including the ones they don't want you to know about!

Yukari: *phew* Anachronism averted!

Panda: I see you are both causing a ruckus and rousing a caucus!
Party: ....
Panda: Allow me to introduce myself: I am... the PUNda!
Party: *loud screaming*
Kula & Yukari: *get up and leave*

Yukari: I can't take these puns any more.
Punda: Would you say you can't bear them?
Entire Party: DIE!

Yukari: I smacked my witch up.

GM: You'll need to throw something soft under her to break her fall.
Madeline: Got it. *throws Bruce*

Kula: I pick up the witch and **** her like a shotgun.

Kula: You killed Tony Robinson!

[goto124]

Doc: “Why? The mare in question was dating a Wagon at the time.”

I wonder if anyone has ever dated a Flagon...

Player: Lemme guess, this so-called "True Love" is just a tall mirror.

[Katrina]

Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

A game with both Trixie and Nick Fury is the best kind of game.

I think it really is. ^_^

Madeline: No! We're not going back to the raccoon! He'll try to sell us a stick with poo on it or something, and I'll buy it because I'm gullible!

Tom Nook with the alignment of Rocket?

Player: Lemme guess, this so-called "True Love" is just a tall mirror.

Well hi there, stranger! Haven't seen you in a long while.

Heh, check the tall mirror for lipstick.

Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."

Well that's a good point.

GM: “Rest in pepperonis, random adventuring party thirty seven.”

Viridia: “Viridia repeated Stellar's question through telepathy. Or tried to. There was always a chance that, this time, it would work!”

Doc: “What should we do if we meet any other ponies here? Specifically if they're not wearing protective suits?”
Choro: “That sort of decision has to fall to you, Doctor: you're the expert in medicine. It's part of the burden of being an educated pony.”
Doc: “Burden of an educated pony... you're a cheeky little unicorn, you know that?”
Bertly: “If there are any ponies at risk, separating them from the general population until proper sterilization of the area can be performed is the best option. If violence is necessary, however, then so be it, lest Equestria suffer an outbreak of photophobic hematophagy.”

GM: “Why did the weird totally-a-cyborg-not-a-synth-we-dont-use-that-word-this-is-a-safe-place pony get a description of the inside her mouth? The answer lies between 'died with her mouth open' and 'DM notes get weirdly long'.”

Choro: “I promise, next time we have that discussion IC, Choro isn't teleporting away.”
Moon: “Teleporting Moonshadow away is cheating as well.”
Choro: “Hey, Choro can't just teleport other party members away! ...Yet.”

[Mikemical]

From a Star Wars d20 game:

Jedi Seer: "Now you're going to say 'You Jedi dogs are all blind to the truth. Allow me to enlighten you!', now!"
Sith Lord: "You Jedi dogs are all blind to the truth. Allow me to enlighten you!" -beat- "What?!"

From a OWoD Mage game:

Storyteller: The werewolf lunges at you, pushing the both of you into the pool.
Mage player: What would happen if lightning struck him in the pool?
Storyteller: Well, he probably would take thrice the damage. But you don't have points in the Forces sphere to cast down a bolt of lightning.
Mage player: No, but I have enough points in Entropy to make it happen.

[JAL_1138]

Bard: Well, if they won't listen to Reason *raises crossbow*, I'll have to use Force *raises lute*.

Fighter: Don't you have those backwards?

Bard: *strums lute to cast Shatter at 4th level, blowing the windows out* Nope.

Fighter: ...ok then, I see your point.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."

Reminds me of a quote from a recent d&d game:

Jester: Don't worry! Careful is my middle name!
Upright Man: No. It isn't.
Jester: You're right! It isn't! How did you guess!?

Tom Nook with the alignment of Rocket?

More like Tom Nook with the alignment of CMOT Dibbler.

[DeTess]

From a recent Shadowrun session(somewhat paraphrased).

Employer: You've done well. I'll be able to take over the protection contract within the next couple of days.
Team Face: Allright, thank you *Hangs up*. (to team) Well, the job is done, but I still want to unleash the cats.
Drone specialist: I'll check if the aluminium foil is still attached.
Hacker: I'll make sure we get the footage.

[some minutes later]

Hacker: Cats: 3, basilisks: 0

[Naez]

*Forest fire surrounding pixie village*
Pixie: "Spirit of the forest we beseech thee please we request your power."

*Giant green glowing elk appears*
Spirit of the Forest: "What is it you wish of me?"

Pixie: "Please of great spirit save our forest."

SotF: "It is done."
*Nothing different*

Pixie: "What? But, but nothings changed. Everything's on FIRE!!!"

SotF: "I have saved it. Exactly as it is."

Pixie: *looks closer, fire is still raging but staying in place* "Then we wish for you to put out the fire."

SotF: "Sorry one wish per fiscal millennium."
*Blinks out of existence*

[DMJack]

The Beer Faeries explode!

[JAL_1138]

More like Tom Nook with the alignment of CMOT Dibbler.

Madeline shouldn't feel too bad, then. CMOT Dibbler can sell a sausage-inna-bun or meat pie to someone who's bought one from him before, meaning he's probably the single most persuasive individual (or rather, set of morphic resonances, as there Dibbler-like beings in most civilizations of the Disc) in the history of the multiverse.

[Miltonian]

"Suddenly, the goblins realize, 'Hey! This isn't a real dog!'"

"I toss him the finger. He realizes it's a fake."

"These two make a run for it and, ooh, eaten by the mimics."

"And the wine-barrels rear up and turn into these. Mimics."
"Ugh! I drank some of that stuff!"

[Shinn]

DM : (talking about the color of miniatures) Yes, Blacks are your foes and must be crushed... Wait, that doesn't sounds right.

DM : How do you convince the ship's Captain to take you ?
X-303 : I show my old War medals and Intimidate him.
Elase : I show my skills as a sharpshooter.
Vhesper : I show my healing powers and suggest to help their medic.
Sancho : I show my dance skills by starting a conga.
Cocoa : I show my breasts.
(Elase bursts in laughs of surprise, the DM facedesks)
DM : Sancho, Cocoa... Are you sure you really want to intégrate the group this way ?

[JAL_1138]

DM: If you want a better idea of what's going on in his head, drop acid and listen to "This Devil's Workday" and "Paint It Black," both songs at the same time, on loop. Actually, don't ever do that. That's gonna be a really, really bad trip.

[goto124]

Well hi there, stranger! Haven't seen you in a long while.

Long enough that you're calling me 'stranger'! Not that I accomplished much in the realm of RP, so I'm afraid I have no stories to speak of. In fact, I arrived here to read everyone else's stories, and I still feel yours are the best.

GM: [...] 'DM notes get weirdly long'.”

Me: [Description of a quick with my characters' anatomy] ... and this is why they aren't fertile and can't have children.

Player: Erm... okay... so they're like organic golems? That was pretty weird though.

[Guizonde]

korinn: you contracted us into fighting a kraken for a free crossbow?!
josé, polishing said crossbow: you guys wanted an adventure, i wanted a crossbow. win-win, in my book.
korinn: your "book" is a damned tome of necromancy that gives you nosebleeds when you read it!!
dm: she's not wrong, you know...
josé: to be fair, it's a nice crossbow...

dm: if you talk, you ruin the merchant's bluff.
josé and grim: *evil glare and ominous muscle-rolling intensifies*

bard gets spit out by a kraken: i'm freeeeeeee!
josé: hi there, free, i'm josé. have a pint on me! *goes back to fighting the kraken*

monk: that's a really old cat! what can he do? hiss at me?
cat-ptain of the ship: you young whippersnapper! no respect for your elders and your betters! *hits the monk in the jangly bits with his cane*
*monk collapses in pain*
table: *grins*

josé: would you mind telling your rogues to stop groping my cleric, please?

oracle: yo, josé, i understand now why you requisitionned those horses back in riddle-port. does requisition work with camels?

dm: soooo, the kraken rolls a natural 20 and hits the mon....
korinn the oracle: *grins*
dm: aw come on! won't you let me have one nat-20 against you guys?!

me: i can? i really can? *dm and table nods*
josé: "OPEN FIRE! FIRE AT WILL!!"
*full canonade by 15 canons*
me: *grins from ear to ear with a satisfied sigh*
dm: my kraken! my poor little kraken!
korinn: this is probably why he didn't let you have guns, guizonde.
me: too bad, he really should've let me.
dm: quit grinning. also, make josé do a bluff check, dc 25 to hide the stupid grin he's sporting.
me: can i mount a canon on the paladin's back and ride him into battle?
dm: *evil glare worthy of josé's signature move*
korinn: i think that's a nope.

grim: i'm not sure i'm comfortable using a ballista.
josé: come on big guy, think of it like a crossbow built for your size!

eva: i really want to hug the cat-ptain, he's so cute!
dm: remember what he did to the monk's jangly bits?
eva: i don't have those! i'm safe!

monk: aw great, the captain of the ship is a tsundere, and she's got a crush on our token half-gay character.
korinn: half-drow, you mean.
monk: same thing.
josé and grim: we don't talk about my/his mom.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Jester: Don't worry! Careful is my middle name!
Upright Man: No. It isn't.
Jester: You're right! It isn't! How did you guess!?

I'm sure there's a path of collateral damage that wold hint at that.

Pixie: "What? But, but nothings changed. Everything's on FIRE!!!"

The Beer Faeries explode!

Wow, no wonder the fae realm hates us.

"And the wine-barrels rear up and turn into these. Mimics."
"Ugh! I drank some of that stuff!"

Um... yikes? Yeah, don't ask what it was you drank. :o

Long enough that you're calling me 'stranger'! Not that I accomplished much in the realm of RP, so I'm afraid I have no stories to speak of. In fact, I arrived here to read everyone else's stories, and I still feel yours are the best.

Me: [Description of a quick with my characters' anatomy] ... and this is why they aren't fertile and can't have children.
Player: Erm... okay... so they're like organic golems? That was pretty weird though.

Aww, you're too kind. I think others got good quotes too.

Let's see, flesh golems, bone golems, plant golems...

dm: soooo, the kraken rolls a natural 20 and hits the mon....
korinn the oracle: *grins*
dm: aw come on! won't you let me have one nat-20 against you guys?!

Poor DM. Denied so hard by the oracle.

Moon: “From an 11 to a 100.”
GM: “Clarification: Moonshadow had to roll another time due to entering a totally different area, as opposed to DM sadism (DM sadism is expressed here due to the party ending up in a murder factory full of robots).”

Doc: “Alright, basically cybernetics were for the wealthy. That much was loud and clear. So the cyborg Moonshadow found is worth a buck-ton of caps.”
GM: “Well, at the moment, Doc and Stellar are worth a buck-ton of caps.”
Doc: “Talk about 'it's what inside' that counts, eh?”

Choro: “Choro meanwhile has scrunched up her face and closed her eyes. Maths takes focus.”
INT Check: *Fail*
GM: “My goodness, apparently geometry really did have applications in the real world.”

Doc: “Everything good, Strata?”
Strata: “Stellar and Viridia are back, and I'm not dead yet, so everything's good, yeah.”

[Guizonde]

Poor DM. Denied so hard by the oracle.

the oracle and i are going a bit rough on the guy, truth be told. we're the most experienced players at his table, and between the oracle's powers and my hijinks, he's losing his cool a lot. but man oh man, did it feel good to have the oracle's reroll ability last night. until the mid-session break, we were plagued with awful rolls.

we're also rp'ing two people who've never met before and are starting to get a very functionnal working relationship going, the oracle being my focus-point doing research into evil, and me being the general skill monkey to boost whatever she wants to do. this reminds me:

korinn slaps josé: soooo, how is it you resist possession but get transfixed by horrible revelations?
josé: i'm too stubborn to go mad from the revelations, i've still got work to do... i need a stiff drink now.
korinn: ... seems like mental trauma's your best friend. either that or anguish. you should find a shrink one of these days.
josé, going to the bar: i did. all 12 of them became alcoholics.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Madeline shouldn't feel too bad, then. CMOT Dibbler can sell a sausage-inna-bun or meat pie to someone who's bought one from him before, meaning he's probably the single most persuasive individual (or rather, set of morphic resonances, as there Dibbler-like beings in most civilizations of the Disc) in the history of the multiverse.

Note that the raccoon only has the alignment of CMOT Dibbler. Believe me when I say he's not that good a merchant and we're all very glad of that.

I'm sure there's a path of collateral damage that wold hint at that.

Indeed. Jester is a chaotic evil bard. How good a mood he's in is proportional to the number of corpses in his wake.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

the oracle and i are going a bit rough on the guy, truth be told. we're the most experienced players at his table, and between the oracle's powers and my hijinks, he's losing his cool a lot. but man oh man, did it feel good to have the oracle's reroll ability last night. until the mid-session break, we were plagued with awful rolls.

Heh, wish I could do cool stuff like that in my D&D games. I find mine kind of boring really.

Indeed. Jester is a chaotic evil bard. How good a mood he's in is proportional to the number of corpses in his wake.

Yikes, not often I see a bard with a body count. What's his theme song, Let the Bodies hit the Floor?

GM: "What watch do you normally take?"
Mel: "I don't know. I think the first one."
Digo: "Or a Casio."
GM: "Sigh... only five minutes in."

Digo: "Oh, so it's William Defoe in his natural form."

GM: "A dwarf appears."
Nick: *looks down* "Where?"

Mel: "I'm melee and I know it."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Mel: "I work out!"

GM: "You need to keep track of your chest. He'd get mad if I kept track of your chest."

Digo: "I turn to Chris... and wonder where'd he get the beach chair and bucket of popcorn."

GM: "And Armond just wants to spend time over by Digo."
Digo: "Well I do have an attractive personality."
GM: "So does Eddie's butt, to arrows and ranger first-aid."
Digo: "Well I imagine Eddie wishes he weren't so smart, so he wouldn't get the point."

Mel: "Damn it, Deeg. Why can't you remind me that I get a +2 to my Turning checks?"
Digo: "Why do I got to keep track of crap on your character? I have enough trouble tracking my own sheet."

GM: "It's 5 gold per person and 10 gold per horse. Per week. After that you pay again or they hunt you down."
Digo: "How would they know we've been here over a week?"
GM: "Magic contracts will track you."
Digo: "Like being in line for Disney World."

Mel: "Maybe we should go find Edward?"
Nick: "And what, make the orphans homeless?"
Mel: "Well I didn't say what we'd do to him."
Nick: "Then why are we looking for him?"
[Beat]
Digo: "The tiger's got to eat."

Nick: "We should go around midnight."
Digo: "Good idea, we'll look more suspicious that way."

GM: "The innkeeper won't let you bring the kid inside."
Mel: "Why not?"
GM: "Because this is a 7 gold per night inn."
Nick: "And the kid brings the value down by 3."

[DuctTapeKatar]

Not really out of context, or in a game, but...

My DM talking about the best campaign we ever played: "To be honest, I was improvising the entire time."

[Miltonian]

"Alright, Folia's turn. *Rolls* she missed."
"Nothing out of the ordinary, then."

"What's this next to me?"
"Earth elemental."
"Oh. Hi."
"Hi!"

Goblin: "It's a monster. It eats goblins!"
Me: "Ah. We have something in common then."

"Confirmed critical miss from Folia."
"Again?"

[Yuki Akuma]

High Priest of Mask: Whatever they're paying you, I'll triple it.
Me (Invoker of Sune): You can't triple zero!
HPoM: Ugh. Idealists...
PC2 (Rogue): We're not motivated by money.
PC3 (Monk): I'm motivated by money!

Edit: Wait, it was the Rogue who said the fourth line, not the Paladin. Which is honestly funnier.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Yikes, not often I see a bard with a body count. What's his theme song, Let the Bodies hit the Floor?[/SPOILER]

Actually it's Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

[ZeroGear]

(God I've missed this thread)

Buster (Gunner): "These" *holds up massive guns* "are my Burst Automatic Legion Leveling Shotguns."
Nyfe (Scout): "Did you mod those just so you could spell B.A.L.L.S?"

Rivits (Mechanic): "How's that arm feel?"
Sypher (Hacker): "I'm an AI, I can't 'feel' anything."

Wyzz (Arcanist): "We wouldn't be here if you didn't keep going after forbidden artifacts!"
Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

Nyfe: "Be careful, these tombs tend to have lots of traps."
Rivits: "What's the worst thing this musty old cave could though at us?"
Floor panel: *click*
Rivits: "Uh oh."
Wyzz: "What's that rumbling sound?"

Buster: "Is that a giant ball?"
Nyfe: "Yep, and it's heading right for us."
Wyzz: "And it's made out of skeletons."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS!"

Sypher: "Quick, around that corner!"
*Skeleton ball slams into wall at the end of the tunnel*
Buster: "Glad that's over."
*Skeleton ball turns 90 degrees and starts rolling again*
Buster: "S**t."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS!"

Nyfe: "Poor Sypher, he was so young."
Rivits: "Don't worry, he's in my heart."
Wyzz: "I know, we'll all miss him."
Sypher: "I'm not dead yet!"
Wyzz: "Aaaahh! Ghost AI!"
Sypher: "I'm in his augments mush for brains."

Nyfe: "Well there's an amy between us and the helicopter, any ideas?"
Buster: "I'll clear a path, you guys get to the chopper."
Nyfe: "That's suicide, you'll never make it!"
Buster: *enters power suit* "We'll see." *Charges enemy* "MY D**K IS HUGE!"

Enemy General: "Casualties?"
Enemy Soldier: "About three units down, 85%of combatants dead or injured."
Enemy General: "What caused this?"
Enemy Soldier: "One man sir, one man in a power suit armed with two automatic grenade launching shotguns."
Enemy General: "What else can you tell me about this man soldier?"
Enemy Soldier: "Sir, he had a big d**k and massive B.A.L.L.S."

[JAL_1138]

Player 1: *death glare at Player 2*
Player 2: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Player 3: It's not technically PvP if we Dimension Door out of here and leave him.

[goto124]

Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

What did the dark magic taste like? Skittles?

[Guizonde]

josé: gratte-moi le dos, et je te gratterai le tiens.
dm and team: *blank stare* uh, i think i get it?
josé: bloody hell, it does sound better in english! scratch my back, i'll scratch yours *rolls diplomacy*

(that'll learn me to translate idioms)

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Wyzz (Arcanist): "We wouldn't be here if you didn't keep going after forbidden artifacts!"
Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

Haha, I love this reference! YES! :D

Choro: “Choro proceeds through the door at the end of the holding area.”
GM: “The door, apparently, had an objection. Choro found them to be solidly locked.”
Choro: “Oww.”

Viridia: “Viridia hovered when she spotted Choro's flinching at the sound of their hooves, because she's a Super Saiyan Pegasus and can do that. Suck it, groundies! Except they couldn't, because they were so low, and she was high, altitude-wise. Not, like, on drugs. Which would also have been a humorous reference.”

Mr. Handy Robot: “Animal identified as female... castration protocols canceled...”

Doc: “I'm trying to find positive uses for this [Memory Orb] other than opening a bowling lane.”

GM: “Waiting from a confirmation from the local pegasi before moving onwards into Willy Wonka's Butcher Shop.”
Doc: “Well considering the two ninjas smelled sweets, I'm wondering how much of that isn’t just hyperbole.”

Choro: *cough* “GM, I have an objection! Surely we should've found one of these before going through the big metal door?”
Doc: “That's assuming the boss is behind this door, isn't it? What if this is just the mini-boss?”
Choro: “Nah, big metal door, with nothing else in the area? Total Boss Door. All that's missing are fairies, hearts and arrows.”
Doc: “Well Andante, Stitch, and Tirkes aren't here, but we do have 1.5 Moonshadows with which to get past locked doors.”
Choro: “Even a mini-boss door would require a small key (though I'm told in some games, that item's called a 'door key', which makes me wonder if it could be opened with something sufficiently dorky).”
Doc: “Haha, so we throw half the party at the door and it opens.”

[JAL_1138]

Player: Why go to all that trouble to guard jack s#%^? Was there something we missed, or something that was there but that's gone now? What was the point of that room?
DM: 100% pure, USDA-certified Grade-A Schmuck Bait.