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  1. - Top - End - #1021
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Can I scream "Of course!" loud enough?
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  2. - Top - End - #1022
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Ask an ye shall receive...

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    Yokyok had been wandering through the wilderness for what seemed like an eternity. Having received word of his father's inglorious end at the hands of a halfling, Yokyok had quickly gathered his few easily transportable belongings (mainly consisting of a long, sharp rapier) and kissed his grieving mother Ackack and equally grieving sister Punpun on the cheeks. Thereafter, Yokyok had but one reason for existing, and that would be to exact his vengeance.

    As Yokyok was wandering through the wilderness, therefore, he started to wonder about how he should make his identity known to the halfling assassin. He had got only as far as "Hello. My name is Yokyok." when he espied in the far blue yonder the entrance to a valley. An alltogether sunken valley, to be exact. Yokyok wouldn't have been a very good kobold looking for vengeance, if he had not looked at every single nook and cranny on his way.

    So, Yokyok, the recently orphaned kobold master swordsman entered the sunken valley. He walked and walked along an oddly well-traveled looking road, until he saw a smallish settlement. "Odd," thought Yokyok. "I haven't heard of kobolds building a village this far into the north." Well, Yokyok wasn't one to look an opportunity to eat and sleep under a roof after a few weeks of doing the same exposed to the elements.

    Yokyok entered the little settlement and saw, right beside the pathway, a sign reading "Village of LickMyOrangeBallsHalfling". This seemed rather a curious name for a kobold settlement, no matter where it was located, but, then again, kobold towns were usually called something along the lines of "Dragonbury". Yokyok was still pondering about the village's name when he had to stop and pick his lower jaw up from the dusty road. For, walking into a small tavern, was the most beautiful kobold girl he had seen since... well, since his mother had found that copy of "Playkobold" under his mattress and burnt it. Yokyok quickened his pace and entered the tavern a mere blink of an eye after his new quarry.

    Yokyok blinked a couple of times to adjust his eyes into the gloom of the tavern. There were only a few patrons inside, so he had little trouble finding the girl. She had just placed an order at the counter and had sat down at a table for two! Yokyok twirled his moustasche a little and walked up to the girl's table. "Pardon me, m'lady, but aren't your feet tired after you've been running through my mind all my life?" The girl stared at Yokyok a little worriedly. "Seriously? That's the best line you can come up with?" Yokyok blanched a little. "Um...well, I didn't have a lot of time to think about it." The girl rolled her eyes. "Look, pal, just sit down and save us both the trouble of you embarrassing yourself further".

    Yokyok sat down and started talking with the comely lass. Things started to go a lot smoother after a couple of minutes, as the memory of that first chat-up faded slowly into oblivion. Yokyok bought the girl and himself a couple more dragon's tails and things started to go even better. Soon, Yokyok felt the girl brush her foot against his leg. "Oh, blessed Tiamat!" thought Yokyok. This went on for a little while, after which Yokyok, terribly flushed, whispered "Look, maybe I should get a room here." "That would be a really good idea, sugar" said the girl, without any embarassment. Soon, they walked upstairs, hand in hand.

    After a night so unforgettable that Yokyok wouldn't forget it even after a spell to do exactly that fired, Yokyok and the girl were talking over breakfast. They shared their hopes and dreams, and inner secrets. The girl asked Yokyok if he had thought of an ending to his introduction to the halfling. Suddenly, Yokyok realized he had. He cleared his throat "Hello. My name is Yokyok. You killed my father. Prepare to die." The girl frowned. "I don't know, maybe you can think of something a bit better..."


    So, what do you guys think? Remember, it's my first time.

  3. - Top - End - #1023
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Nice Monzach and welcome to the Crack-pairing thread!

    Now for my pairing! This was going to be the Thanh x CCoP(then CCoP's wife)/Adultery but paladins cannot be part of adultery so now it is instead:

    Thanh x Random Female NPC / One Sided Love

    I call it The Morning After

    Spoiler
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    Thanh looked up at her dressing and stretched a hand across the expanse of tangled sheets, as if to pull her back into bed.

    “You’re leaving? So soon?”

    She turned and smiled at him as she put in her earring.

    “Yup, got to catch my ship. It was nice meeting you.”

    The warmth he had been feeling just moments before melted away, leaving icy wastes where his insides should have been.

    “I won’t see you again?” he whispered

    She sat on the edge of the bed, lacing her fingers with those of his still outstretched hand and looked at him with a trace of pity in her eyes.

    “Oh honey, you didn’t think this was for real did you? We met each other in a bar a couple of hours ago for goodness sake! Did you really think a meaningful connection could be forged that quickly? No love, it was just sex, pure and simple.” She laughed “Well maybe not pure!”

    “But…you…I think I…”

    She pressed a finger of her free hand against his lips and shook her head.

    “Don’t say it sweetheart. You’ll just regret it later and it won’t make any difference in me leaving.” She sighed. “You see, this is why I should stay clear of Paladins but,” and her voice lowered to a purr, “they do make such great lovers. Anyway I’d better go.”

    She placed his hand back on the sheets then leant over and kissed his forehead. “Guess I’m gonna love you and leave you,” she winked “literally.” Then she left, leaving behind only a whiff of her perfume, a lipstick mark and a heavy-hearted Paladin.

    Well?
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  4. - Top - End - #1024
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Very nice story, Taekwondodo, and thanks for the greeting.

    And for the record, the dodos are one the most "win" things in Ice Age 1.

  5. - Top - End - #1025
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Silverraptor's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Monzach, welcome to the crack-pairing thread! If you've read my work, you could understand why I'm taking a break right now. (Atleast until I can actually come up with an idea)
    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

    *Avatar by Me*

  6. - Top - End - #1026
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Cleverdan22's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Very well written, Taekwondodo. Enjoyable story. I liked that Thanh already thought it was love that fast.
    A handful of true friends, an infinite supply of sodas, a collection of bad movies, and a full supply of webcomics are all one really needs to be happy.

    Awesome avatar by Keris Rain!

  7. - Top - End - #1027
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Bad news guys. I fell down some stairs and sprained my wrist. I can only type with one hand, and this messege took me several minutes. So no crack fics from me for several days.
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  8. - Top - End - #1028
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I take it your brother didn't like you hassling him into getting the Chaos Space Marines codex?

    Kidding. Hope you'll get better.

    @ Monzach: Cute.

    @ Taekwondodo: Poor Thanh.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  9. - Top - End - #1029
    Orc in the Playground
     
    TheBibliophile's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Lycan: Sorry to hear that. I hope you get better soon.

    Monzach: That was great!

    "Playkobold", heh.

    Taekwondodo: Aww. That was sad. Poor Thanh.
    Last edited by TheBibliophile; 2009-10-08 at 12:06 PM.
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
    Books are a mind-altering substance. Therefore, I am high all the time.
    My old avatars. Thanks, y'all!
    Some poetry I've written. Constructive criticism warmly welcomed.

  10. - Top - End - #1030
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    @Lycan Aww... Sorry to hear that. We'll miss you!

    @Monzach Nice! I liked it. But wouldn't Kobolds read Playdrake?

    @I second Bibliophile. So sweet, and sad.

    And here's the beginning of an ElanXVaarsuvius fic. I'm a little unsure about it, (it's fairly short, and mildly confusing) but please comment!

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    The bar at the inn was so small, the six slightly inebriated members of the Order Of The Stick took up almost the entire room. Needless to say, they’d long ago run out of alcohol, and the barman had been giving them funny looks for the better part of an hour. They’d run out of bad jokes, which weren’t really that funny if you were only sort of drunk. After a half hour of trying, really trying to laugh at Elan’s jokes, Roy and Durkon gave up, deciding to just go to bed rather than ask, “Who’s there?” one more time.

    Haley was the only one laughing at all, mostly because she’d drunk Elan’s beer. Vaarsuvius sat back, lips pursed, scowling. V had been the only one who had made the decision to abstain from drinking. Much to Redcloak’s dismay.

    “DRINK! DRINK, Goddammit, drink!”

    “They can’t hear you, shouting at the crystal ball has no effect,” said Tsukiko lazily flipping the pages of a magazine.

    “Shut up,” he said tersely, “I have been planning this for months, and I will not allow this plan to be ruined by some teetotaler elf.”

    “Well, I don’t see what you can do about it from here. Short of holding her down and pouring it down her throat, I don’t think you could do anything about it there, either.”

    Redcloak opted out of responding, mostly because Tsukiko was correct. Instead, he stared intently at the goblin barman, who looked around nervously, and slipped out of the room. “Ah. Here we go. Showtime,” said Redcloak. Curiously, Tsukiko set her magazine down to watch the crystal ball. A few moments later, it seemed like the screen exploded.

    ----

    There wasn’t time to think, only time to react. “V! Hurry!” Elan grabbed Vaarsuvius’ hand and ran, pulling V behind him as they fled. They burst out of the inn and into the chill night only a few seconds before the inn collapsed.

    “... Was... Was anyone still in there?” Elan asked fearfully. He started towards the fiery mass of timbers, but V pulled him back.

    “Elan... I do not know. But there is nothing more either of the two of us can do.”

    “Yes there is! We can find people! We... We... We have to.” His voice broke as he said the last part, and he was sobbing. V stiffened, unsure of what to do. Hesitantly, V pulled Elan closer, and awkwardly put their arms around him, trying, and failing, to emulate the hugs their Other Parent would give after a bad day.

    Elan returned the embrace, and cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. “We have to get out of here,” V said quietly, “Whomever lit the inn on fire will, in all likelihood, be here soon to ensure no one escaped.” Elan nodded, sniffling. The two crept off together into the forest. It wasn’t until much later either of them noticed they’d never dropped hands.

    Well?

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  11. - Top - End - #1031

    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by CheeseMuncher View Post
    @Lycan Aww... Sorry to hear that. We'll miss you!

    @Monzach Nice! I liked it. But wouldn't Kobolds read Playdrake?

    @I second Bibliophile. So sweet, and sad.

    And here's the beginning of an ElanXVaarsuvius fic. I'm a little unsure about it, (it's fairly short, and mildly confusing) but please comment!

    Spoiler
    Show

    The bar at the inn was so small, the six slightly inebriated members of the Order Of The Stick took up almost the entire room. Needless to say, they’d long ago run out of alcohol, and the barman had been giving them funny looks for the better part of an hour. They’d run out of bad jokes, which weren’t really that funny if you were only sort of drunk. After a half hour of trying, really trying to laugh at Elan’s jokes, Roy and Durkon gave up, deciding to just go to bed rather than ask, “Who’s there?” one more time.

    Haley was the only one laughing at all, mostly because she’d drunk Elan’s beer. Vaarsuvius sat back, lips pursed, scowling. V had been the only one who had made the decision to abstain from drinking. Much to Redcloak’s dismay.

    “DRINK! DRINK, Goddammit, drink!”

    “They can’t hear you, shouting at the crystal ball has no effect,” said Tsukiko lazily flipping the pages of a magazine.

    “Shut up,” he said tersely, “I have been planning this for months, and I will not allow this plan to be ruined by some teetotaler elf.”

    “Well, I don’t see what you can do about it from here. Short of holding her down and pouring it down her throat, I don’t think you could do anything about it there, either.”

    Redcloak opted out of responding, mostly because Tsukiko was correct. Instead, he stared intently at the goblin barman, who looked around nervously, and slipped out of the room. “Ah. Here we go. Showtime,” said Redcloak. Curiously, Tsukiko set her magazine down to watch the crystal ball. A few moments later, it seemed like the screen exploded.

    ----

    There wasn’t time to think, only time to react. “V! Hurry!” Elan grabbed Vaarsuvius’ hand and ran, pulling V behind him as they fled. They burst out of the inn and into the chill night only a few seconds before the inn collapsed.

    “... Was... Was anyone still in there?” Elan asked fearfully. He started towards the fiery mass of timbers, but V pulled him back.

    “Elan... I do not know. But there is nothing more either of the two of us can do.”

    “Yes there is! We can find people! We... We... We have to.” His voice broke as he said the last part, and he was sobbing. V stiffened, unsure of what to do. Hesitantly, V pulled Elan closer, and awkwardly put their arms around him, trying, and failing, to emulate the hugs their Other Parent would give after a bad day.

    Elan returned the embrace, and cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. “We have to get out of here,” V said quietly, “Whomever lit the inn on fire will, in all likelihood, be here soon to ensure no one escaped.” Elan nodded, sniffling. The two crept off together into the forest. It wasn’t until much later either of them noticed they’d never dropped hands.

    Well?
    D'aaaaaaaaawww....
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  12. - Top - End - #1032
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Nice work.

    (I'll add more crack fic tomorrow.)

  13. - Top - End - #1033
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    This one's hot off the press--if I tried going through it again, then I wouldn't be able to get it here for another week or two.

    Meanwhile, I'm going to work on the last chapters--along with the things people have pointed out, I've found a few typos myself. I miss the days when I could fix stuff like that in a day, but no, school had to start.

    Hopefully, I didn't make this too mushy.

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    Redcloak never knew how deliciously, wonderfully warm something could be. He never thought that warmth could make him feel this way, but he really did feel like he was completely wrapped in sunlight. He had thought that one could only feel that way under the influence of drugs, but it felt so clear without them. He would have been happy if he had been able to curl up against the warmth for the rest of his life, his heart beating in time to another’s, hard hands resting on smooth, soft, warm skin.

    He suddenly understood why mammals loved this sort of thing so much.

    He also suddenly understood why everyone always prescribed the surly, young or old, male or female, good or evil mammals this treatment to lighten their spirits. It was impossible to be in a bad mood with that light feeling in his stomach, even with the fact that he had probably made one of the greatest blunders in his life.

    “Redcloak?”

    He looked down at the pale face of the elf—his lover, he supposed—looking up at him, violet eyes glowing with calmness and contentment that he didn’t remember ever seeing there before. He supposed that the light feeling was affecting Vaarsuvius as well.

    “Yeah?”

    “You are smiling.”

    Redcloak nodded slowly. “I am.”

    The elf closed its eyes, allowing it to rest its forehead against the goblin’s scaled chest in a rare moment without any defenses. Vaarsuvius looked so vulnerable. The tiny elven body was completely bare, pale skin reflecting the light dimly, and the gentle breathing was so quiet and relaxed that one wouldn’t have guessed that they were enemies. Redcloak felt inexplicably touched by the fact that the elf was allowing this blatant vulnerability show, even if it only lasted this morning, because he knew if nothing else that Vaarsuvius was not one to do that lightly.

    “Did we make a mistake last night?”

    The question was soft. Honest. Curious.

    “Probably.”

    Vaarsuvius sighed softly. “I dislike being confused, Redcloak.” The elf gently started tracing the goblin’s scales.

    “I’m not too fond of it either. Just incase you didn’t notice.” Redcloak leaned back a little, feeling the elven heartbeat gently pumping against his chest.

    “Redcloak…”

    Redcloak cocked his head when the elf trailed off, hands resting at the small of a pale back, careful to keep their claws from scratching any skin. “What are you going to ask?”

    “I… nothing.” Vaarsuvius continued tracing the scales, frowning faintly. “I am thinking too hard.”

    “That’s a tendency we share.” He sat up, tempted to kiss the elf, but he resisted the urge. “I need to attend to my duties.”

    “Redcloak, you’re vulnerable. Xykon is furious with you, as is Tsukiko. Now that this has happened, I can be used as a tool against you. You need to do something to protect yourself…”

    “You were always a tool that could be used against me, Vaarsuvius. They don’t know that anything’s different.” Redcloak reluctantly pulled away from the warmth, standing up and picking his clothes off the floor. “I have things I need to do.”

    “If Tsukiko targeted me yesterday, then she will target you. You hurt her pride.”

    “It doesn’t change the fact that I’m several levels higher than she is. I’ll be safe.” He looked back at Vaarsuvius. “You can help me by doing your best to keep a low profile. That’s easy. It’s not like you can leave this room. And if Xykon or Tsukiko get you, try to find a way to get into Jirix’s or another hobgoblin’s sight. They’re loyal to me. They’ll find me and tell me what is happening.” Redcloak put his clothes on slowly.

    “Are you going to be careful around Xykon?”

    “I’m no more interested in getting beaten up than you are.” Redcloak did the clasp of his cloak. “You don’t need to worry.”

    Vaarsuvius tilted its head to the side, sinking back into the bed slowly. “I do not know what to make of recent events.”

    “Don’t try to make sense of them. Just keep going.” Redcloak picked up the elf’s robe from the floor, folding it neatly before putting it on the ground again. “I suggest getting dressed soon. Someone will be here with food.”

    Vaarsuvius nodded absently.

    “I promise that I’ll be back tonight.”

    The elf nodded, glanced up, and gave a small smile. Redcloak smiled a little in response and left, resisting the urge to touch Vaarsuvius again the whole way.

    ---

    “Sir, the Resistance, the elven party, and the adventurers all apparently are teaming up.”

    “Like we didn’t see that coming.” Redcloak leaned on his desk, crossing his arms and staring at the floor. “How do we know this?”

    “Our soldiers saw them talking. They’re working together to dispel the illusions.”

    “How many spell casters are there?”

    Jirix shifted nervously. “Two in the elven party alone. None in the adventurer’s party. We don’t know about the resistance.”

    “Have we made any progress on the phylactery?” Redcloak tapped his claws against his arm, making a tiny ‘ting’ sound.

    “We’ve searched through the plant. We haven’t found it.”

    “Double our efforts. Sweep through the labyrinth and then check the sewers and plant again.” Redcloak frowned, lacing his fingers together. “Let’s hope that we’ll find it. The only alternative is the ocean.”

    “Yes sir.”

    “And work on the illusions. Adventurers have an annoying tendency to destroy spells, but we have to keep it up as long as possible.”

    “Yes sir.”

    “Dismissed.”

    Jirix quickly left, frowning nervously. Redcloak turned away from his desk and the door, facing a great window overlooking the destroyed city. Streams of orange weaved through the streets, gleams and flashes of iron showing up in the pale purple light. He started mapping out strategies in his mind, face frozen in a thoughtful frown, and glared through the window.

    “Looks like you have a lot on your mind.”

    Redcloak glanced back at the door, eyes narrowing. “Tsukiko, don’t you have someone else to bother?”

    Tsukiko smirked, but her eyes were narrowed warily and her stance was instinctively guarded, an unconscious signal that the lesson Redcloak had taught the night before was still fresh in her mind. He took private satisfaction in that and looked back at the window. “Go and play with the slaves. They’ve been rebelling a lot lately.”

    “You’re a cold-hearted phony, you know that?”

    Redcloak glanced back at her, arching an eye ridge. She was still smirking but the guarded posture was still there. She shrugged, faking nonchalance, and sauntered across the room towards him. Her eyes weren’t glowing. She wasn’t planning on attacking him with a spell. Maybe she was going to try psychological attacks? That seemed to be her specialty outside of magic. “Oh really?”

    “Well, I guess you do know that.” Tsukiko crossed her arms and leaned back a little on her feet, apparently feeling safe enough to be close. “You like fooling yourself, but not about something as small as that.”

    “Can you get to the point? I’m trying to figure out what to do with the troops. Or you can just leave me alone.” Redcloak looked back at the window. “That would work too.”

    “You act nice to her and you’re going to kill her.”

    “Am I right to assume that you’re talking about Vaarsuvius again?” Redcloak looked back, expression deadpan. “Tsukiko, it gets hard to get under someone’s skin when they really don’t care what you think. Is that all you wanted to say?”

    Tsukiko scowled darkly, muscles tensing a little in irritation, but she quickly tried to fake nonchalance again. “What does she do to make you help her so much? Is she that good in bed or have you just gone so long without a woman that anyone is good enough?”

    “I’m waiting for the part where you actually get to me or leave.”

    “Why an elf?”

    Redcloak frowned. “What?”

    “You say you hate all ‘powerful’ races. That includes elves. Why sleep with one and go against your principles?”

    Redcloak looked back out of the window. “I work with you and Xykon, don’t I?”

    “The elf’s different.” Tsukiko advanced slowly. “You know, Xykon’s going to make you kill her. What’re you going to say when you do it?”

    “I tend to not think about that. You can go now, Tsukiko.”

    “Will you like doing it, Reddy? You act like you’re all high and mighty—better than me and Xykon because we’re open about enjoying the pain of others. But I see you when you look down at all those human slaves.”

    Redcloak glanced at Tsukiko, expression unreadable.

    “You love it. You love that the goblins are the ones on top for once. You love that you finally made an entire city of humans suffer. You’re addicted to that high you have when you see it. You’re going to keep working on your big Plan until you can’t even pretend it’s for goblins anymore—it’s for your own bitterness and hatred.” Tsukiko smirked. A real smirk this time. “You know I’m right. Maybe you think you’re neutral with the elf. Maybe you even think you like her. But I know you. You hate anything with warm blood in its veins and a mind capable of thinking beyond where the next meal will come from. So you’ll have your fun. When Xykon tells you to gut her like a fish, you won’t put up a big fuss. You’ll do it. She won’t believe that you will, but you will. You’ll like it. Maybe she’ll say something to you. Call you a monster. Ask why you would be so callous.” Tsukiko danced back, eyes gleaming with her own vision of what was to come. “You’ll answer her questions. Once she’s dead on the ground and her blood’s drained, you’ll zombify her like everyone else. You’ll send her off to me to be set to work. You’ll change out of your bloody clothes. You’ll go on without another thought for it like the cold goblin you are.”

    Redcloak’s face was impossible to decipher, the only hint to his thoughts being the slight narrowing of his eyes.

    “Maybe it would be different if she had been a goblin. But she’s not. She’s an elf. You’d never be able to get over that.” Tsukiko cocked her head, smirking. “You’re just stringing her along. You should’ve just let me kill her and put her out of her misery. Or maybe you shouldn’t have. I’m sure that it’ll be fun to see her eyes when you kill her. Make sure to describe them to me.” She turned and trotted out.

    Redcloak stared after her for a moment, then turned his head to look out the window again.

    ---

    “Tell me—do you believe that I am being foolish?” Vaarsuvius held the blankets close, trying to retain heat in the drafty room. Blackwing hopped on to the elf’s knees, stretching his neck out and nipping the tip of a pointy ear, eliciting a surprised wince and yelp.

    “Of course I do!” Blackwing hopped from one knee to the other, fluffing up his feathers to make himself look bigger. “You’ve just had sex with your goblin-high-priest-of-an-evil-god jailer! Who’s probably going to kill you! That and you’re still technically married, though I’m not sure if it’s really valid anymore...”

    Vaarsuvius scowled, rubbing the bitten ear. “A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.”

    “No, I don’t think it would’ve.” The raven shifted his weight, scowling in a way only a bird could. “You’re smart, Vaarsuvius. You know that this is a really, really dangerous road to go down. As in, dark-alleyway-with-no-streetlights-in-dodgy-orc-gang-territory dangerous. There’s a reason he’s the bad guy.”

    “I’m well-aware of that.” Vaarsuvius smoothed tattered robes carefully. “I have tried to keep this from happening, believe me.”

    “You seemed pretty eager last night.”

    “I was going against the tide.” The elf frowned at the stone wall. “Stockholm Syndrome, presumably. I didn’t realize it in time to keep from its effects.”

    “Vaarsuvius, you just slept with Xykon’s right-hand man!” Blackwing threw his wings up. “Besides the usual ‘the protection spell could have failed and you could end up with a disease or…” Blackwing paused, staring at Vaarsuvius, “or possibly get pregnant depending on your gender’ issue, you’ve just betrayed the Order, made this fight hugely complicated for yourself and opened up for a maniac to hurt and manipulate you.”

    “My intention was never to betray my friends, and as long as my performance is not hindered, I do not see how this could affect them.” Vaarsuvius looked at the wall. “And I am not manipulated by him, Blackwing. My decisions have always been mine.” Vaarsuvius’s eyes closed and the thin chest expanded with a deep breath. “Redcloak is difficult for me to understand. He is difficult for me to read. He is determined, calculating, secretive, intelligent, and set in his opinions. That is a part of what little I know of him. What I also know is that he is not a monster.” Vaarsuvius looked down at a pale hand, gaze contemplative. “He… I won’t say that he has never hurt me. He has. I have struck him as well. But he has been… tenderer than he needed to be. Kinder. Gentler. He treats me as a person even when I am being stubborn and uncooperative.” The elf sighed. “He is not a monster. I cannot imagine him manipulating anyone for their body.”

    “You know, getting this attached to your enemy is usually considered a bad tactical move.”

    “It is. I do not know what to make of him, Blackwing, but I do know that I have…” Vaarsuvius ran a hand through purple hair. “I have feelings. I do not know what to label them as. They are not entirely negative, but not entirely positive. I am unused to attempting to articulate these things.”

    “I’m your familiar. Empathetic bond, remember? I get it.” Blackwing started hopping back and forth again. “This is bad news, Vaarsuvius. Would you be able to strike him down if you were fighting?”

    “Of course.” The elf glanced at the bird and frowned. “I will not allow any feelings I have for him to inhibit my ability to fight for the world. I am a fool for allowing it to get this far, but I am not such a fool that I would allow the entire planet to suffer from my mistakes.”

    “And should I assume that you’re probably going to sleep with him again?”

    Vaarsuvius shrugged simply. “I have already dug my grave, so to speak. Being with him again will hardly make it deeper.”

    “Should I remind you who he is? What he does? If you don’t want to bother with any of that, should I remind you that he cuts you? Most people consider that an abusive relationship.”

    “Had I my spells, I would probably strike back with extra force.” The elf absently stroked the raven’s wing. “Despite how the jailer/prisoner, medic/patient dynamic usually works, it does not feel as though he has power over me. He rarely acts that way.”

    “I’ve just given you all the reasons that this is a bad idea and you’ve either justified it, waved it off, or flat-out said you didn’t care.”

    A slight smile played across Vaarsuvius’s face. “You are my common sense, apparently. Did you not realize that I chose to disregard that a while ago?”

    “This is going to end with your heart broken at best, you dead at worst.”

    “I know.”

    The raven held out his wings in an exasperated gesture.

    “Then I’ll stick with you to make sure that you don’t screw up too badly.”

    Vaarsuvius smiled, leaning back and staying quiet for a moment. “Thank you.”

    Blackwing hopped on to the elf’s shoulder, nipping the tip of a pointy ear affectionately.

    “Don’t mention it.”

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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  14. - Top - End - #1034
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I really loved the whole chapter, but my favorite part is by far the last one; it's nice to see Blackwing choose to stay with V despite her abundance of bad tactical decisions.

    I can totally picture Tsukiko behaving and thinking this way too.
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  15. - Top - End - #1035
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Great one, Water-Smurf. Loved the Blackwing interaction.

    Geeh, Tsukiko must have been taking lessons from Xykon on psychological warfare. O.O
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  16. - Top - End - #1036
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Great one, Water-Smurf. Loved the Blackwing interaction.

    Geeh, Tsukiko must have been taking lessons from Xykon on psychological warfare. O.O
    No, she has levels in craft(mental image). or possibly craft(disturb superior commanding officer).
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  17. - Top - End - #1037
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    New OOTS and a new VxRC chapter? On a Friday afternoon?? Christmas must have come early!

    Interactions between V and Blackwing are allways interesting to read, although I can't help feeling that V won't quite find it that easy to kill RC if the need does arise.

    And I question how BW doesn't know V's gender. Maybe birds have as much trouble telling with mammals as we do telling with some birds?
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-10-09 at 10:22 AM.
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  18. - Top - End - #1038
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    It sadly seems that my avatar-request seems to have broken at least one avatar-artist's brain in the Avatar-request thread in the "Arts & Crafts"-forum, so I'm reposting it here for less sensitive artists...anyone wants to have a try?

  19. - Top - End - #1039
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    First time poster. Was playing around on the forums, lurking and rolled this up and couldn't help but act on it. Thought a picture was worth a thousand words:

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    Miko and Belkar with leather and high heels. I probably could have (and probably still can) write a short story about it, but thought the carefully edited picture was better.

    Must have been my lucky day.
    Last edited by Kiayateo; 2009-10-09 at 12:53 PM.

  20. - Top - End - #1040
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    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    eek Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    (Gender switched Roys sword+ julia greenhilt) (Redcloak+Jirix+Bandit King) +All of the Demon Roaches at once with furry adultery. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! *shoves head in barrel of battery acid, jumps out of 4 story window

  21. - Top - End - #1041
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    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! anyone want to do this, cause i think if i try my mind will break.....

  22. - Top - End - #1042
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Please don't double post when all your doing is making jokes.
    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
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  23. - Top - End - #1043
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    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    sorry........dont kill me....
    Last edited by RandomOrcGunt; 2009-10-09 at 02:08 PM.

  24. - Top - End - #1044
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I saw my name on the list of crack pairing authors.

    I'm... I'm just so happy....

    I need to get on here more often. Stupid real life distracting me from reading fanfiction stories about webcomic characters.


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    Founder of the Oracle fanclub. To join put this into your sig and give yourself a title.

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    Magioth made my avatar!

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    Sequinox

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  25. - Top - End - #1045
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by RandomOrcGunt View Post
    sorry........dont kill me....
    Don't worry about it, just refrain from doing it again.

    And here's Part 2 of ElanxVaarsuvius. Again, please comment and critique.
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    “Where the hell are we?” The hobgoblin guards exchanged glances, as if to say ‘Oh man. This is gonna be a long night,’ but remained silent. “I said, ‘Where the hell are we?’”

    “They’re not going to respond, Roy,” said Haley. “Honestly, you’d be better off asking the wall, for all you’re gonna get out of them. Besides, the only person I can think of who would want to kidnap us and have hobbos as guards is Xykon, and more specifically that one cleric. He wears a red cloak. I’m sure he has a name.”

    “Indeed I do, but it’s really none of your business,” said a dry voice from the stairs. Coming down, followed by a short procession of lackeys and lunkeys, was the Goblin cleric, missing an eye. The assorted minions went about setting up a table, a crystal ball, and other less-identifiable, more sinister-looking items.

    “What..?” said Roy. “What are you going to do?”

    “Glad you asked,” said Redcloak, smiling and revealing a mouth full of very sharp, very yellow teeth. “We know you have information regarding not only your own plans, but the plans of the Azurites. Judging by our failure with the last paladin we held, the easiest way to get you good guys to spill your guts is to torture other people. So Tsukiko here,” A late-teenaged girl waved idly from behind the table “and I are going to torture you, one at a time, until we’re satisfied. Which will take a while, so if you don’t want to watch your friends suffer, I’d start talking.”

    No one moved. “I didn’t think so,” he sighed. “Typical, really. Well, no point in wasting time. We’ll start the woman, I think.” Haley shrank back, and Roy stepped in front of her, reaching for a sword that was no longer there. It was no use.

    ----

    “Where do you think everyone is?” Elan asked.

    “I do not know,” said Vaarsuvius, staring strait ahead.

    “Who do you think took them?”

    “I do not know.”

    “Well, how can we find them?”

    “Truthfully, Elan, I do not know. I don’t know what I can tell you to ease your fears. I am sorry.” V stopped and turned to face him. He was nearing tears again.

    “That’s what I was afraid of,” he said softly.

    “What?”

    “Vaarsuvius, you’re the smartest person ever! You know so much. If you don’t know something... Well, then that means no one knows it.”

    “Oh Elan... You flatter me, but there is much I do not know. Please do not lose hope, Elan. Someone knows where they are, and why they were taken, and I promise you we will find them, if it takes us a hundred years, so be it, I refuse to abandon allies again.”

    He frowned. “V, but what if we can’t find them? Neither of us is a good fighter, because that’s Roy’s job! I can’t heal you, ‘cuz that’s what Durkon does. I can’t even stab people good, because Belkar is the stabbing person. And I can’t protect you, ‘cuz that’s... that’s... it’s Haley’s job.” He looked away, trying in vain to hide his tears.

    “Elan. Look at me,” V said, gently, lifting his face to look him in the eye. “We will find them. I promise you I will do all I can to find them, if you promise me you won’t abandon hope. That’s what you do, Elan. You keep me hopeful. You keep us all hopeful. And I can’t do anything for Haley, Roy, Durkon, and Belkar if I’m hopeless. Can you promise me that?”

    He smiled a little. “I promise,” he said softly. They looked into the other’s eyes, and for a moment, they wondered if the other was going to kiss them.

    A bird taking flight in the bushes startled them, ruining the moment.

    “...We can’t stay here very long,” Elan nodded, taken aback. Neither of them spoke for a long time.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  26. - Top - End - #1046
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    HalflingRangerGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I just got a letter from Xyhon!...This could be bad!
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    Dear Crack-Pairing Authors

    You better stop with these stupid dreams, or else I'll send my legions to slaughter and Animate EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!!!



    From



    PS: Explosive Runes


    *Reading* OH SH-!
    High Priest of

  27. - Top - End - #1047
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by ClericOfBelker View Post
    I just got a letter from Xyhon!...This could be bad!
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    Dear Crack-Pairing Authors

    You better stop with these stupid dreams, or else I'll send my legions to slaughter and Animate EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!!!



    From



    PS: Explosive Runes


    *Reading* OH SH-!
    Craaaaaaaaaaap!!

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  28. - Top - End - #1048
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    anyone else here is feeling like a fangirl?
    weird thing to feel ._.

  29. - Top - End - #1049
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by DukeGod View Post
    anyone else here is feeling like a fangirl?
    weird thing to feel ._.
    *fans the flames*

    ...wait, you mean the other type?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiayateo View Post
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    The only way to make this creepier would be to make it V instead of Tsukiko Miko.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-10-09 at 05:28 PM.
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  30. - Top - End - #1050
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    It's not Tsukiko, it's Miko.

    And I believe editing the Giant's pictures, however tempting it is, is explicitly forbidden here. Sorry.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

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