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  1. - Top - End - #721
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Lira's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Monzach View Post
    Redcloak's assistant hobgoblin. I may have misspelled his name, though.
    You certainly did . It's Jirix.
    Credits to half-halfling for my adorable avatar.

    ...............................................

    Come visit the Discussion Thread Index II.
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  2. - Top - End - #722
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Mystic Muse's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I am showing my support of the crack pairings thread.

    my sig is in spoilers because I think it violates forum rules if I don't put it in spoilers.

  3. - Top - End - #723
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Lira View Post
    You certainly did . It's Jirix.
    Aand that's why I try not to post too much around here.

    It's my age showing, really (I'm ancient, almost 28 already).

  4. - Top - End - #724
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    You'll have to remind me who Yirish is.

    And a new banner.

    Well, I do believe I'll snag that. There is too much slash and not enough fem around here anyways.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
    Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  5. - Top - End - #725
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    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Feel free to use it. I advise to upload it on your own account so that you still have it if my own account has a problem. If you don't have an account though, you're free to use the banner as it is.

    Monzach, I'm on a big project on Inkscape right now, but I'll try to find time to make a Redcloakette x Jirix avatar, even if I'm more used to making scenes of larger size.
    Last edited by Dark Faun; 2009-11-13 at 03:45 PM.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  6. - Top - End - #726
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    And a new banner.

    ......oh my...not possible. If you put that in your sig, definetly spoiler it.
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  7. - Top - End - #727
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    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"

    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  8. - Top - End - #728
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"

    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    I would like to again point out that that is far from the levels of "invisibility" that we've seen in the comic on multiple occasions.

    I quite frankly can see Miko as one of the few characters willing to both tolerate V's self-interest and focus on other, 'more important', issues.

    Plus, does crack need anything beyond 'hot'?
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
    Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  9. - Top - End - #729
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"
    That woudn't be good. In fact, i'll quote what Roland said yesterday:

    "Sheriff of Moddingham: Okay, this is waaay off track. Those drawing the Crack Pairings drawings should be careful of how violent or explicit their images are. Those who find them to violate the Forum Rules should report them.

    If people want to make some accommodation by spoilering or by turning off sigs they're welcome to do so, but we're not going to make them.

    As for The Giant's stand on what is and isn't allowed with his intellectual property, that's his business. As for posters' use of The Giant's intellectual property, that's governed by the Forum Rules (here), the law (everywhere), and The Giant's stated preferences (if you respect those)."

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    They wouldn't. Then again, thats your avatar.
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  10. - Top - End - #730
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"
    ...Mine seems to have been given the all-clear so far.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-13 at 04:08 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  11. - Top - End - #731
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    Mystic Muse's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    speaking of banners I advise AGAINST using this one.

    I don't think most of the playground wants to see a banner that essentially says "go **** yourself."
    Last edited by Mystic Muse; 2009-11-13 at 04:09 PM.

  12. - Top - End - #732
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuubi View Post
    speaking of banners I advise AGAINST using this one.

    I don't think most of the playground wants to see a banner that essentially says "go **** yourself."
    If that included Sabine I'd use it unspoilered. It's perfectly reasonable actions for twins. What the forumites read into it is their business.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
    Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  13. - Top - End - #733
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuubi View Post
    speaking of banners I advise AGAINST using this one.

    I don't think most of the playground wants to see a banner that essentially says "go **** yourself."
    But that one's cute! Any who says it's anything more than brotherly/sisterly love?
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  14. - Top - End - #734
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    ...Oh my.

    Discord, are you trying to make all the guys on the forum die from massive nosebleed-induced hemorrhaging?

    Oh, and Roland said it was bad because it looked as if Julia was in a non-consensual situation. Just take out Julia and it should be fine.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-11-13 at 04:34 PM.

  15. - Top - End - #735
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"

    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    Well, they have a lot in common. First up, they are very sheltered in terms of sexuality. Second, they are extremely self confident, to the point of total arrogance. And third, they have a tendency to egotism, believing themselves the only ones capable of doing... anything.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    The Order's adventures In Girard's gate continue. Roy next, then a truly horrible sequal that will be balanced by a kharmic conclusion.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Belkar trotted calmly Mr Scruffy at his heels. If the cat had any sense of dramatic awareness, it would have refused to go any further, scratched and clawed at anyone who tried to make it. But what did a cat have to fear from illusions? They don't dream beyond the next meal. And even the most domesticated cat still acts as it wants.

    At last he came to a room, totally empty of any furnishings, with a door at the far end. Somehow he knew that the dungeon itself had ended, and the maze that Girard had spent his life protecting lay beyond that door. He sighed in disappointment.

    "Giant dungeon and there isn't one person to kill. Why would anyone..." His voice trailed of when he realized no one was watching. Suddenly, with no one to act tough in front of, he felt a lot less confident.

    Wetting his lips he looked over his shoulder, at the ceiling, then finally pushed the door open with a violent thrust, trying to make up for his indecision.

    Beyond was an emptiness so deep it pulled at him, drawing him into it's embrace. A cool wind blew across his face as he plummeted into the blackness.

    A soft weight pressed against his side. Arms enclosed his chest, rising and falling with the rhythm of each breath. Belkar started, abruptly sitting bolt upright in the lavishly appointed room, hung with drapes and furs. He was naked, save for the silken sheets wrapped around him.

    The belt was low, and wide enough to fit an entire extended family, surrounded by drapes to trap body heat. They also meant he couldn't see anything beyond them, except a tiny arc of light opposite the foot of the bed. All else was shadow.

    There was a moan to his left as the woman rolled languidly onto her back. The faint light limed her coco skin, gleaming off a shoulder and single, perfect breast. Her red hair fell in perfect tresses, a dark chocolate color, and her lips were a striking red, the exact color of fresh blood.

    Belkar reeled from the sight, stumbling awkwardly from the bed and and landing naked on the hard, cold, slate floor. The icy shock of the cold tiles jarring his bones with the sudden impact brought everything into sharp focus.

    He didn't know where he was. Not unusual, but never quite this much of a jump. He had no idea who the girl was. Again, hardly unusual, names were always hard and irrelevant. Any girl would be replaced soon by another one, and you'd move on or kill her, and then you'd spared the effort for nothing.

    No. Wait. This had happened too him just two days ago, when the rest of the party tracked down the slavers with divinations and found his corpse picked clean. So. One of the illusions must have killed him or whatever, and the rest of the party had pulled it off, then dumped him here and hired this girl as a consolation prize. Glad that he'd come to a conclusion, if not a conclusion that anyone with a decent wisdom score would consider, he closed his eyes, making a mental note to be nice to them one day, then opened them with a wide grin.

    His eye caught a hint of movement to his left, in the chambers shadowy corner. He looked around for a weapon and saw his daggers, draped across an expensive divan near the bed.

    Evacuating a fluid roll he nimbly grabbed them, rasping icily from their sheaths as he launched himself towards the source of the movement. For a brief, fleeting instant he thought he saw a hooded figure, little more then a deeper shadow among the dark folds of the hanging drapes, but when he reached the corner there was no one there. He probed the heavy drapes with the points of his blades, but nothing lurked in their depths.

    "Trick of the light." He muttered, a diplomacy check so unconvincing he couldn't even make himself believe it. He turned back to the bed, unable to shake the vague feeling of foreboding. He wasn't used to this. Normally he never had second thoughts, or anything more then sudden impulses that he obeyed to the letter. All this subtle nuances were disquieting, and he wished they'd go away.

    Without thinking he crossed the room to a nearby table and plucked a goblet of wine from a silver tray. He'd set the wine just before bed, he could remember it clearly (though he could remember not remembering it. It hurt to think about, so Belkar didn't), so clearly it was as though he'd done it moments before, and yet the very act of touching it felt wrong somehow.

    "Come back to bed, you scoundrel," the women said, her throaty voice sending a shiver down his spine. "I'm cold."

    He could think of nothing more he wanted to do then to return to her side and breathe the scent of her chocolate skin - but even that had a undercurrent of foreboding he couldn't explain.

    Another face, identical but for a slightly wider mouth and darker eyes, peeped up above hers from behind. Ye gods. Twins. And yet...

    He heard their bodies whispering against the sheets, and imagined the wrapped around his. Even that erotic thought was disquieting rather then tempting. He looked over to see his hand clutching the thick drapes in a white knuckled grip. Stark terror was washing over him, and through him in waves, even as another part reacted with irresistible lust, he took a step towards the bed, then another step, then turned an bolted, reaching for the ring set in the dark paneled door. Wrenching at it he pulled the door wide. She called for him, sending a stab of longing and wasted opportunity through his chest as he fell into the darkness's waiting arms.



    He smelled blood and the stink of ruptured bodies. It smelled glorious. It smelled like victory. He was still naked, a fact he wasn't going to examine, lying exhausted and satisfied atop a tremendous pile of broken bodies, a fact that he was only to eager to examine.

    They were all halflings. They were all dead. And he was home. He wanted to cheer. He wanted to bring one, any one, back to life so he could rub it in.

    And yet...

    He had imagined more. A succession of elaborate, ironic and violent scenario's, each to make them pay for what they had done to him. He was going to rip of Bingo's arm and beat him to death with it, he was going to blind old Gosskar and kill his family, leaving him to wander their big house alone until he eventually starved. And as for Rosie, who had ignored his earnest attempts at courtship before during the Junior Prom in favor of Sam...

    It just wasn't as good as he's thought it would be.

    But it was good.


    "Oh please." He said softly but earnestly, still reclining like a sultan on a couch. "Please let this all be true."

    "It is." a familiar voice that he couldn't place said behind him.

    Belkar rolled his head to the side. That wasn't right..."This isn't really happening. I'm lost in the maze..."

    "Time is an illusion. A series of moments and impressions, stretching on forever. And now, you are outside it. While you are navigating the maze, you are slitting your friends throats, squalling in your mothers arms and taking your last breath."

    "No, no, I'm dreaming."

    "You are wrong. Isn't this what you always wanted, deep down in the darkest places of your heart?"

    The halfling staggered amongst the unsteady footing of the corpses."Yes." The word rumbling from deep in his chest. "Is this my destiny?"

    "A destiny."

    "Why do you show me these things?"

    "I? Not my doing. These are the truths the labyrinth is has revealed to you. What will be and may be, your own desires and wishes."

    "And I suppose you are the guardian?"

    No reply.

    Belkar sneered. "Oh, I'm so terrified. No wonder, after all these sweet visions of future success."

    "Success?" The figure echoed. "Please. Do you really imagine, even for a second, that your tale ends in triumph?"

    Belkar's sneer faded. Cold fear gnawed at his guts. "What do you mean?"

    The figure seemed to grow. "You gibber and shudder lying in a pool of your own piss and blood, crying and begging pathetically, abandoned by everyone who ever knew you, and forgotten or scorned by those who bother toremember."

    The shock of his fear hit him like a physical blow in the chest, and he realized how terrified he was of it ending, of his achievements being stripped and leaving him with nothing. He'd never considered his own death, he'd lived in the now and couldn't so much as imagine a world without him. The fear he felt - and the ferocity it leant him - was exhilarating in it's intensity.

    He leapt upon the figure, knocking him down. The figure struggled, apparently stunned.

    "You are wrong. I reject it. I refuse to accept it." He flipped his knife, and drove it down, until it was at the figure's throat. "You think I'm weak? Well what are you, 'cause I seem to be the one about to give you a red smile." He laughed wildly at the thought. The figure lay still, offering no resistance.

    "That's what I thought. You're the weakling skulking in the shadows. Now, lets see what you really look like!"

    The hooded man didn't move. This only made Belkar angrier. "Come on! Show ME! Show ME!" With a violent movement, he wrenched at the hood.

    A wave of disorientation swept over him, then he was lying on the floor, his knife pressed against his own throat, a thin trickle of blood dripping down his neck. He'd nearly slit his own throat.

    The hooded figure was regarding him impartially, his face hidden in shadow. Enraged, Belkar leapt up and pulled away the hood. He didn't know what to expect anymore, but screamed when it fell away.

    "Stupid little halfling. Needs to remember it's place." Belial said with a wolfish smirk. Belial bit his lip as memories rushed through him, forcing his unaccounted for three days, the time he'd spent dead. Torture. Violation. pain. Misery. And a terrible empty feeling that mad him long for the pain, as that was all that had given him meaning.

    "No... I won't..."

    Belial smirked. “Little Halfling! I was burning worlds before your existence was a glimmer in Arneson’s eye! I was breaking people before your pathetic species genesis! I was fighting battles when your only struggle was to climb out of a womb! I was taking over the creation when your universe was a crib! Darkness? Little mortal.... I INVENTED Darkness! I am sin! I am perversion, hedonism and lust! I am the fire that burns in your veins and the passions that suffuse your heart!

    Your gods are as nothing to me, specs infesting one pitiful world in creation! You think your sins are original, but I’ve seen it all before. Every time you tortured, every time you plied your pitiful craft over another, I was there. Every time you smiled as you weakened others, as you took advantage of innocence, as you perverted goodness you called to me. Every time you gave in to your own perversions and enjoyed the ecstasy, the hedonistic rush of killing, you were me.

    You are me, little Halfling, but I am not you. You have spent your life in one blood drenched, silent prayer to me, but I have barely deigned to recognize your existence. You are a seconds diversion to a primal force of creation, soon to be cast aside and forgotten. I am sin itself. I am a pillar of creation, without me there would be no universe, no choice. I am fundamental, untouchable and eternal. But you, you are nothing, nothing at all.

    Now...On. Your. Knees...Bitch.”


    * * * * *
    On the other side of the Labyrinth, Durkon was lost in Odin's single eye. "This maze, it wins by giving you what you want. Girard weakened reality, until people can lost in their own lives and desires. The only person who could make it through, is someone with nothing to lose and nothing to gain. And no one's like that. But worst, anything can reach it's way in here. Me. Devils. And other, worse things." Odin spake.

    It had been a meaningless verb until this point, but now Durkon understood it. It was an inflection for talking about great things, things beyond the ken of mortals.

    "You don't have long." Odin observed. "So here are your choices. One. You ignore what I have to say. All your friends live through this, but you lose the gate. You die on the way to Kraagor's and rise as a undead. You then lead an army and burn your homeland to the ground." He held up a finger. "Or: You accept me as your patron. You will lose three friends, but you can stop the lich here. You will never go home, but will live another decade, and you will be happy."

    Durkon didn't answer for a while. At last he choked out "Tha' be yin helluva choice.'

    "I didn't say it would be easy." Odin replied gruffly, gliding forward. What Durkon had taken to be a staff rearranged itself into a golder spear, decorated with engravings, fantastic whorls, swirls and curlicues, hinting at unguessable designs beneath. "But you must choose."
    I'll post ths again on the vague hope that someone will pay attention.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  16. - Top - End - #736
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Mystic Muse's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Sstoopidtallkid View Post
    If that included Sabine I'd use it unspoilered. It's perfectly reasonable actions for twins. What the forumites read into it is their business.
    as has been said. Context is important. Other than people who read this thread I don't think many forumites will think it's brother/sister love.

    even if it was it's still kind of squicky. of course we have 50% mroe squick this time anyway.

  17. - Top - End - #737
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    Being attracted is easy, all you really need is spend enough time together that you're forced to start to feel affection rather than feel annoyed all the time.

    A better question would be why, precisely, they would spend time together.
    How's something like this...

    V considers Miko a conudrum. Perhaps he wants to understand how someone can have such unshakable confidence in themselves - and act in a manner so similar to him - all without possessing a shred of arcane power - after all, to him that's the only true power. Imagine him ranting to her about his power in an effort to get her to cow down, her only acting more proud in response, and him becoming increasingly puzzled and bewildered.

    Miko... let's see.. Let's say she has doubts about V's personality. V scanned as "Not Evil" but she sees him being nothing but harsh, cold, pragmatic and violent (maybe she spots him Exploding Belkar?). Since V technically scans as "Not Evil" and she's under orders to deliver the Order alive if possible, she tries a more cautious approach for once. She tries to get to know V better to determine how high the risk of him turning evil (and thus forcing her Evil-Smiting hand) is. So she tries to pin down his personality, maybe even deliberately trying to provoke him to gauge his control of his darker tendencies.

    And of course, at the beginning they both hate each other, as per the canon. :)

    Such a premise should provide plenty of opportunity for entertaining conflict and character development that will force them to smooth out their rough edges with each other. And once they start doing that, they can actually get to know each other and realise how much they have in common - such as unshakable confidence in their own abilities, inability to consider the possibility of one's mistake, willingness to go as far as it takes to accomplish one's goals, being quick to anger, being impatient with other peoples' flaws, etc....

    Hope that helps a bit. :)
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-11-13 at 05:59 PM.
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  18. - Top - End - #738
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Great update as always, Water-Smurf, and Discord, I love the Haley/Miko banner!

    ETA: Oooh, I've just had a look at Cracklord's latest, and it's very impressive too. A few typos, but I love the idea of everyone coming face-to-face with what's been driving them throughout the comic, and how it isn't turning out exactly as anyone expected...

    Unfortunately, I haven't been reading the crossovers, as I don't know most of the other fandoms *is ignorant*

    I'm sorry this took so long to write - I was so busy being eaten by life that I even missed the Great Sig Banner Controversy! I hope this will go some way to make up for being so absent over the last week...

    OOTS Bodyswap fic, Part 3!

    (following on from Part I and Part II)

    The story so far: Back in the Wooden Forest adventuring days, the OOTS woke up one morning and found out that everyone had mysteriously swapped bodies.

    had been turned into
    had been turned into
    had been turned into (and was placed under threat of dire punishment from if he tried anything inappropriate)
    had been turned into
    had been turned into
    had been turned into

    Now the casters have lost their magic, the fighters don't know how to use their weapons properly, and Haley is lashed off her head on elven sensory overload. Their only hope is to journey back to civilisation to get themselves changed back...


    Spoiler
    Show


    ‘But ROYYYYYY!’ Belkar groans, taking the smallest steps possible down the path, ‘I have to!’

    ‘NO!’ Roy sets Elan’s pretty features into his sternest because-I’m-the-party-leader-that’s-why expression.

    ‘But – ’

    ‘I don’t care!’. Roy casts a look over his shoulder to where the rest of the party are lagging along behind, and raises his voice so they can all hear him. ‘We can’t trust you not to do anything horrible if we let you go off by yourself, Haley’s in no state to keep an eye on you and in any case’ – his voice is shooting up in pitch again – ‘NOBODY is going to the bathroom until we all get turned back, and that’s final!’

    Belkar whimpers softly. ‘Roy, I can’t believe I’m the one saying this to you, but be reasonable! It’s at least half a day’s walk back to the village! And I’m telling you, this is way more uncomfortable from this side of the fence – I don’t know how chicks stand lining up for bathrooms all the time without getting stabby.’

    Roy refuses to answer, glaring straight ahead into the distance. He has a horrible feeling that the halfling has a point, and that’s what scares him most of all in this whole situation.

    ‘Anyway,’ Belkar glares ‘I don’t really see how you’re going to stop me.’ Spinning around, he extends one of Haley’s long legs and jumps off the path, tearing away into the undergrowth. With a growl of annoyance, Roy sets off after him. Haley and Elan are both fast runners, and it’s oddly enjoyable to be able to move so lightly and quickly, an experience Roy hasn’t had since he was around fourteen.

    ‘You’ll never catch me, Greenhilt!’

    ‘You keep telling yourself that, Belkar.’

    ‘And even if you do, 5gp says the chick can totally beat up the bard!’

    Hmm. Roy’s actually always sort of wondered about that himself. He suspects that again, Belkar might have a point, and is so caught off-guard by this happening twice in one morning that he’s too distracted to notice his quarry shinning up the nearest tree.

    ‘UURRGH!’. He does, however, notice when about 170 pounds of fully-grown human female, armour and pack drop directly onto his head. Combat reflexes taking over, Roy twists and bucks, hooking his hands into Haley’s long red hair, and the two of them go rolling over and over through the undergrowth.

    ‘ROY, stop – OW – being such a – DAMMIT – jerk! I’m not gonna – AARGH! – do anything to Haley’s – QUIT IT! – body! At least not anything worse that you’re doing to it right now!’

    ‘GET OFF ME, you horrible disgusting – AARGH – I’m gonna turn us back, and then I’m gonna kill you, and none of the rest of the party will blame me for one – OWW, STOP IT!’.

    Apparently, Roy now owes Belkar five gold. Somehow, the halfling has ended up sitting on Roy’s chest, fists digging into his – well, Elan’s – collarbone. Both of them are sweaty and flushed from the running and fighting, and Belkar’s hair has tumbled loose around his – Haley’s – shoulders due to the hair-pulling. Belkar can feel the man’s chest heaving under his hands, and Roy is painfully conscious of the weight of the long, heavily-muscled legs wrapped around his upper body. Their heartbeats. Glittering green eyes meet sparkling blue, and just for a moment, it’s the most unsettling thing either of them have ever –

    ‘Unhand my friend, you fiend!’

    Belkar leaps up as though he’s been Fireballed as Vaarsuvius bursts onto the scene and launches hirself at them with all the halfling speed and viciousness that should rightly belong to Belkar himself. The elf realises mid-spring that ze is not actually sure which member of the party ze should be attacking, then appears to make a split-second decision, Tumbles in mid-air and goes for Roy.

    ‘For shame, Sir Greenhilt! How can you allow the halfling to goad you into causing harm to Miss Starshine?’

    Roy puts up his hands, ineffectively trying to swat V away. ‘I’m sorry! I let him get me mad, that’s all!’.

    Haley’s face has turned completely white, and Belkar looks oddly shaken as the elf turns to scold him. ‘Hey, I didn’t mean for that to happen! But he was being a jerk, he wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom, and –’.

    If only they had a camera. The expression on Belkar’s twisted clever-ugly little face as V pulls one of hir trademark purse-mouthed ‘I’m-about-to-launch-into-a-three-hour-lecture’ faces is absolutely priceless.

    ‘Sir Greenhilt. Much as it pains me to acknowledge it, the halfling does indeed have a point. I am afraid you do Miss Starshine no favours if you force Belkar to neglect the needs of her physical body, and since we have – ’

    ‘Um,’ the look of embarrassment is totally uncharacteristic for either Belkar or Haley. ‘Um, don’t worry about it, Ears. I sort of, um, I think I don’t wanna -- I mean, I don't need to go any more.’

    The elf looks sceptical. ‘Very well then. I suggest that we cease this foolishness, and return to the rest of the party forthwith. Come along.’

    Without thinking, Belkar puts out a hand to help Roy to his feet, and then jumps away again as his heart gives another almighty lurch when their fingers brush. ‘Oh, man. Oh man, oh man, oh no. This is too disgusting.’

    Roy shuts his eyes grimly as he sets off behind V. ‘I don’t like it any better than you do, Belkar.’

    Both of them are walking slightly oddly as they proceed back to the rest of the party: Roy thanks all the powers that be for the chainmail tunic that conceals the reason for his odd gait, while Belkar is just happy that dark brown leather doesn't show any kind of damp. The halfling insists on walking the whole way with his head turned sideways in order to avoid the sight of Elan’s butt as Roy walks in front of him, while Roy does the journey with one hand over his face to keep the smell of Haley’s clean hair and warm leather armour out of his nose. When they rejoin the party they split by unspoken mutual consent to the rear and the front of the group respectively, putting as much distance as possible between themselves.

    ‘How much longer do we have to go, Durkon?’

    Durkon, who has politely insisted on giving Elan a ‘break’ from guiding Haley along the path, speaks up. ‘It’s nae even lunchtime yet, sae I’d sae a good few hours yet, lad’.

    Roy closes his eyes, sighs deeply, and comes to a decision. ‘Right. I didn’t want to do this, and I don’t even know if it will work, but I’m afraid it's reached the point where we have to take any advantage we can. Elan?’

    A clank of armour behind him tells him that the bard is there. ‘Yes, Roy?’

    ‘I know your voice is gone, but do you think you can still play your lute?’

    Elan fishes in his pack for a few moments, pulls out the instrument, and runs the strings under his fingers. There are a few clumsy notes as his hands adjust to being smaller and thicker, but thankfully the shape of the music is still there.

    ‘Alright, then. Here goes nothing!’

    Desperately, frantically, hoping for any magical edge the party can scrape together, Roy opens his mouth and begins to sing. The result is actually a little frightening. Ever since he was little, Roy has never tried to sing anything more complicated than holiday carols and the Fighting and Drinking Song of Bash U. But now, here it is, easy as speaking, easy as breathing – Elan’s beautiful light tenor voice rolls out of his throat, filling the forest clearing with music. And he can feel it – comfort and cheer stealing into everyone’s hearts, even his own, the music giving them courage to move on even through the horror and weirdness of this very horrible and weird day. After he finishes the first chorus, Roy turns to the others, motioning to Elan not to stop playing.

    ‘Everybody, all together this time. You know what to do!’.

    Surprisingly, Haley is the first to join in from under the cloak. No-one can remember ever having heard V sing, but the elf’s voice is a husky, soft contralto, picking up the melody and carrying it along. Durkon joins them in Roy’s rumbling baritone, looking surprised and pleased to have suddenly acquired a singing voice. Belkar pitches in with Haley’s thin, crystalline soprano and doesn’t even change the words to say anything appalling, and V sings counterpoint in Belkar’s slightly deeper tenor, dipping and weaving around Roy’s melody, halfling voice wielded with elven skill. Finally, even Elan himself starts up, softly so as not to disturb the others, blending Durkon’s harsh tuneless croak into the melody as best he can. They walk along the path, singing together, united in a simple yet heartfelt prayer:

    ‘Remember, remember, remember, remember who we are!’

    To be continued...

    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-13 at 09:22 PM.


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    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
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  19. - Top - End - #739

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Yeah, I would rather not have Roland St. Jude knocking on my door saying "well, what's next? A THIRD banner I need to PM its user about?"

    Also, I humbly come before the dwellers of the crack thread with a request. Despite racking my admittedly not very efficient brain for ages, I can't for the love of me find out why Miko and V would be attracted to each other or fall in love, other than "heh, you look hot," so I miserably beg thee for answers. How? Why?
    They infuriate each other.

    Speaking from experience, that can be enough sometimes.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  20. - Top - End - #740
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Nice one again, Esmerelder!

    I've got a funny one, which I'll post after dinner.

  21. - Top - End - #741
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Hi, I'm new on this website.

  22. - Top - End - #742
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Welcome to the Crack Pairing Thread, lawyergoblin!


    @ esmerelder: Great chapter as usual! I love how you've got all the interaction so well thought out... Its funny to see how the characters act in such zanny situations.


    @ Cracklord: I didn't read your "Belkar in Hell" fic, but its obvious that Belkar is in a pretty bad situation. And I quite enjoy the interaction between Odin and Durkon. Although, what difference will it make if he switches from Thor to Odin?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  23. - Top - End - #743
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Thanks for the introduction. I have been reading the crack pairings, and I've got to say I am amazed with the amount of talent in these stories. I want to thank all of the people who have written the stories. good job!

  24. - Top - End - #744
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    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Aw, thanks CoffeeIncluded and Lycan 01! And hi Lawyergoblin! *waves* Welcome to the crackiest thread in the entire playground...


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  25. - Top - End - #745

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Awww... somebody we didn't scare off.

    I enjoy not scaring people off.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  26. - Top - End - #746
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    but scaring them off is so much more fun!

    probably been done but HERE's a crack pairing for you.

    Bahamut/Tiamat. or if that won't work even squickier.

    Tiamat/Juiblex.
    Last edited by Mystic Muse; 2009-11-13 at 09:16 PM.

  27. - Top - End - #747
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I was wanting to make a pairing, but I don't know how to create a spoiler, anyone mind telling me how?

  28. - Top - End - #748
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Here's how you create a spoiler:
    [spoiler]Text here[/spoiler]
    Credits to half-halfling for my adorable avatar.

    ...............................................

    Come visit the Discussion Thread Index II.
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  29. - Top - End - #749
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    esmerelder's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Sure! You just put

    <spoiler>

    Type your story here

    </spoiler>

    only where I've used < and >, you should use [ and ] to make it work.

    ETA: Oops, ninja'd!
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-11-13 at 09:25 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

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  30. - Top - End - #750
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Welcome to the Crack Pairings thread! The screwiest place in the playground, and yet one of the nicest places in the playground! Brain bleach is in Isle 4. We've got medium, large, jumbo, and economy size.

    In any case, here's my pairing...I really don't know what to call it. The closest thing I can think of is OOTS/Giant Sand Worm.

    Spoiler
    Show

    Things were finally going smoothly. They were traveling on the giant sand worm; Roy and Durkon giving directions, V guiding the worm, and Belkar being bait, safely quiet with a book that came with the spice package for some reason.

    Then they realized that none of them had any idea where Haley and Elan had gone off to. Then Belkar had sat up, an impressive feat as he was being dangled upside down.

    "Hey, I smell sex! Who's getting some?"

    They shouldn't have turned around. But turn around they did, to find Elan and Haley engaged in some form of coital act that, in addition to the normal...Tools that one uses when engaged in, shall we say, "intimate activities", also involved scales from the sand worm, a broken arrow, and Banjo.

    "Good Gods! What are you guys doing!?"

    "Merciful Thor, me eyes!"

    "May I remind the two of you that this is not a good location to engage in such intimate acts, and that you should wait until nightfall!?"

    "Hey! No fair! Why can't I challenge the Beast with Two Backs!?"

    "Belkar, don't--!"

    Too late. Belkar had twisted around and tried jumping back onto the head of the worm. Things went downhill from there. V tried recasting the spell, but Belkar broke free and ran towards the amorous couple. Durkon and Roy tried catching him, but ended up colliding into each other. Then the giant sand worm started wondering where that yummy package of spice (I.E.: Belkar) had gone off to, and started squirming around for him, causing everyone to lose their balance. Elan and Haley, for their part, found it extremely difficult, if not downright impossible to stay on a squirming, bucking, thrashing giant worm when they were engaged in a very passionate sexual act.

    To make a long story short, the worm ended up tossing everyone off onto the sand. In a pile. On top of each other. With a very naked Elan and Haley on the bottom. Or they would be on the bottom, if Belkar had not already taken that spot.

    Then the worm, with astonishing delicacy, removed everyone's clothes, seemed to laugh at them for some time, then left.

    Durkon spent the rest of the night beseeching Thor for the most powerful alcohol known to dwarfkind. V and Roy spent the rest of the night researching a Scour (Mind) spell. Haley and Elan slept on opposite sides of the camp that night, very far away from each other, and the rest of the Order for that matter. Belkar spent the rest of the night in his tent.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-11-13 at 09:59 PM.

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