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  1. - Top - End - #1321
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Gimliggamer's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    oh my god!
    Elan + Redcloak
    someone is a vampire
    this is going to be tough
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  2. - Top - End - #1322
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Been a while. This thread has become strange and unfamiliar.

    Shojo/Miko. A different sort of fluff.
    For science.
    Because I can.
    Spoiler
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    The Magistrate looked like a thunderhead perched above a mountain, sitting behind her enormous marble desk. She was frowning furiously, her lips pursed so tight you could have used her mouth as a ruler. Behind her, the amassed books of the Law of Azure City, and the law of higher authorities then any judges of the Earth, were neatly ordered on shelves that cluttered most of the forty foot wall. Unlike everything else in the room, or infact the city, the majority were not blue, but rather the white of uncolored calfskin leather. The witness stand to the Magistrate’s right stood empty, as did the huge gallery. The room was well lit, yet somehow dim and ominous, gave the impression of harsh, merciless judgment, bleak and pitiless as the slopes of hell.

    “Enter the Hall of Justice,” the Magistrate rumbled. “and you shall be heard.” It sounded like a sentence being pronounced already.

    Shojo ambled in, looking totally unconcerned. One would have thought he was ambling along on a country walk, rather then facing judgment for crimes real and imagined. No celestial being, he noticed. They must be trying to cut expenses.

    "I always hated sitting in this room." He announces to no one in particular. "The chair always made me squirm something terrible, and made my back ache. So what is it exactly I have done?"

    Hinjo shakes his head. "Uncle, that's not impressing anyone."

    Shojo didn't dignify this with a response. Instead he began fidgeting, occasionally pausing to look at the ceiling or the floor, as though he was sacrificing his valuable time for the sake of humouring someone beneath his notice.

    "Shojo, formerly lord of Azure city, the surrounding territories and the remnants of our ancient Empire, you are accused of breaking the trust our people have placed on you. We find you guilty of corruption, manipulation, treason, and interference with legal proceedings." The magistrate said imperiously.

    "So that's it? I can go?"

    It was the magistrates turn to ignore him. "If you have anything you would like to say in your defence..."

    "Why bother. You all know why I acted the way I did. The very fact that we are bothering with this farce when there will be a war in less then 24 hours should be proof enough that the system needs to change. Any child can see that."

    The Magistrate pursed her lips, her eyes as grey as her hair. "Lets assume I'm very stupid."

    "People haven't guessed that already? The fate of the world was at stake, you moron! And it still is! They're not playing by the rules, why in name of The Monkey's hairy arse should I?"

    "The fact that we do is what makes us better then them..." She droned, but Shojo roared right over the top of her, releasing his long pent-up rant, that he’d been unable to let out for decades.

    "The fact that we do is why they are winning! And if you pulled your head out of your arse long enough to pay attention, you'd realize that. Also, I can't believe you wasted 5000 gp just to throw me in a dungeon until the hobgoblins break through and kill me!" He thundered. “People ar going to die just so you can play at being heroes. People with families and feelings. And you don’t even care, because it gets in the way of your honour and our cities laws to try and stop this. Well let me tell you something, honour and law only exist to protect people, not to give them chains!”

    Hinjo stepped forward. "Uncle..."

    "Et tu, Hinjo? Are you as stupid as they are?" He glared at the guard who had escorted him in. "I think I'd like to be taken to my cell now, please." He said dismissively. “Unless you want my head?”

    Her eyes narrowing, the magistrate shook her head, as though doing so was requiring all her personal control.

    The guard shrugged, and put the manacles around his wrists, dragging him out the door.

    It was odd, but there in chains, his face livid with rage and impotent sadness, his back bowed and his clothing a robe soiled with his own blood, he had never looked more commanding, lordly or regal.

    * * * * *

    "Aren't you the king or something?" Said a dark haired, dark dressed man, who was obviously trying to grow a beard. But either he wasn't trying very hard, or he had his technique wrong, as his face was dark and prickly with stubble.

    Shojo didn't so much as blink in recognition. The anger had drained out, leaving him empty. He wished he had been left dead. He had no idea what it had been like, but it would have been better to have gone out with a bang then a whimper. This was just embarrassing.

    "Ah, leave him." Said another man, who could probably swap beard growing advice for a few tips on how to keep your hair. "He's like, stupid or something. You know, like old people get. Doesn't know what he's doing."

    Shojo smiled to himself. Ah, those had been the days. Pulling the strings without letting them realize he was, then watching them stumble around looking for someone to blame, while he sat in plain sight but was ignored because he talked to his cat.

    It had been... exhilarating in a strange sort of way. He'd done far better then any of Azure cities rulers for generations, all who had been good, pious, and to honorable to scratch their arses. His dad had been a good soldier, but Soon should never have made him king.

    He didn't miss it. It had kept him motivated, focused, and ahead of the game, kept his wits sharp and instincts keen, but he wasn't getting any younger. Hinjo was as good hands as the city deserved. It was time he got some rest. Besides, what was there left that he could do? Politics was a young mans game.

    The cell was rather more nicely appointed then anyone elses. The walls were freshly scrubbed, the floor cleaned, the furniture made. It was still rice and water, but he wasn't hungry, and he'd probably never have the opportunity to eat it anyway. Knowing the world was about to end gave you an oddly liberated feeling in many ways.
    Besides death didn't seem to be so bad based on what he'd seen so far. Closest thing he'd had to rest in forty years.

    It was good to have finally shifted the last of his responsibility too. Closure all-round...

    "Lord Shojo?"

    ...Except for that. He sighed, rubbing his bald scalp, and turned to face her, seating himself comfortably on the bed he would die on in less then a day. Time to tie up the last loose end, the last secret that had to be told.
    It's bad luck to take secrets to the grave. They might become important, later. And it would be nice to be allowed to die with a clear conscience.

    Her eyes were gaunt, her hair tangled and splitted at the ends. There was blood drying above her brow, and her cheeks were gaunt. Even her skin looked waxy. And yet she was still beautiful. Of course, he was hardly an impartial source…

    "Miko." He said tonelessly, no trace of recrimination or spite in his voice, no trace of anything at all. It was, in short, as good as kicking the legs from under her and raining blows.

    She flinched. She seemed more then a little nervous, somehow vulnerable. It was one thing to work out your justifications, but another to see the subject you’d tried to placate yourself over after the universe had explicitly said you were wrong.

    "So they…?" She said.

    Stating the obvious. Right. "Yes. i have 24 hours to complete my life. Of course it's too late to do anything now that might be of any use." He said, unable to resist the barb.

    "I do not regret what I did. I acted with the best interests of the city and decency. You were a traitor to the cause you swore to uphold. I have no regrets, and aced with a clear conscience." She said, hackles rising.

    "Yes you did. But you never stopped to consider if you might be wrong."

    "I..."

    Shojo closed his eyes. "I will be dead in less then a day. I would rather not spend that time arguing philosophy with you. What more do you want? You say the gods have a plan for you. Well, perhaps you have strayed from their path. How do you know?"

    "No! I…"

    Shojo shook his head. This wasn't serving any purpose. "Forget it Miko, I forgive you."

    "I... What?" she said uncertainly, as though she'd been asked what purple smelled like.

    "I was breaking the law, even if not the way you thought, and you over-reacted. But I don’t hold it against you."

    Miko seemed genuinely thunderstruck. "...Why?"

    Shojo closed his eyes. Time, at last. "Because I'm your father."

    The murmurs and sounds around the rest of the prison had died away, and everyone seemed to be pressing their faces as close as possible. A few cells down, the Halfling was gaping like a landed fish. Shojo waved his hand irritably. "Back off. This subplot has nothing to do with you."

    Miko hadn't moved. She was blinking rapidly, her mouth moving, but no sound came out.

    Shojo closed his eyes again. She probably deserves an explanation. "Your mother was young and beautiful, clever and charming, and I was lonely. She was one hell of a women, if she 'd have had me, I'd have begged her to marry me. She saw right through me, you know. Nobody else, even my family, ever managed that. At the end of the day, I'm as human as the next man, and I’d have to be made of stone not to have fallen in love with her."

    Miko still hadn't said a word. Shojo went on, his tone curiously flat. He was not justifying himself, if he had regrets, that sue as hell wasn’t one of them. But he was sick of keeping secrets. And she had a right to know the truth, now that there was no reason to keep it silent. "I watched over you as best I could. I always wished we'd been closer, but, well, I didn’t dare recognise you as my daughter, give the nobles a way to get at me through you.”

    Miko stared at him. Her eyes were slightly glassy, and her mouth was closed. She looked like a statue. It was probably shock, he decided.

    “When I was inducted into the Saphire Guard…”

    “I meant every word. You were destined for great things, I always knew it.”

    Miko turned and looked at the wall. At last, she said blankly “Thank you. But it doesn’t mean anything.”

    “Miko,”

    “Whether you are my father, or you’re playing games, or something else is going on, it doesn’t matter. You missed your chance to have an influence on my life. I don’t need, or want your advice. I am special, the Twelve gods have a plan for me. My parentage has no impact on my identity whatsoever.”

    Shojo shook his head. “Miko, why do you always cut yourself of? Some people do want to help you.”

    “My life is my own. I have no regrets.”
    Shojo sighed. “You are the most righteous, uncompromising women I have ever known. But it takes more then devotion to duty. Being good isn’t about punishing the wicked, it’s about helping people even when it hurts you to do so. It’s about empathy, not about suffering.”

    Miko’s expression didn’t change one iota. “I will think on what you have said.”

    Shojo lay down atop his covers, and looked at the ceiling. “That’s all I ask, Miko. That’s all I ask.”


    So, comments, query's, questions?
    I really like your descriptions. :D The characterisation is good, too, and the scene is something I can imagine taking place. :) One nitpick, however, is that Miko is probably in her twenties, and Shojo was in his eighties, so probably too old to be her father. Him being her grandfather, on the other hand, I would totally buy.
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  3. - Top - End - #1323
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Yay! I've got tomorrow off from school! *noisemakers*

    And I finally found the cable to my scanner, so I have another picture. This is my interpretation of V and Redcloak's daughter, drawn as an adult. Her skin should be less green than it is, but I digress. Comments?

    Spoiler
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    EDIT: And welcome back, Saeyan!

    EDIT NUMERO DOS: Again, the stories continue to be awesomesauce.
    Last edited by Meg; 2009-10-22 at 04:09 PM.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  4. - Top - End - #1324

    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    I really like your descriptions. :D The characterisation is good, too, and the scene is something I can imagine taking place. :) One nitpick, however, is that Miko is probably in her twenties, and Shojo was in his eighties, so probably too old to be her father. Him being her grandfather, on the other hand, I would totally buy.
    Eh. Science today can do ALOT, so I wouldn't be surprised if magic could do it.

    A wizard did it.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  5. - Top - End - #1325
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    Eh. Science today can do ALOT, so I wouldn't be surprised if magic could do it.

    A wizard did it.
    Yup. Young Miko could have been stuck in a stasis field for years and years. So it makes Miko's father being Shojo totally possible. So, a wizard REALLY did it!

  6. - Top - End - #1326
    Troll in the Playground
     
    WhiteWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Why even bother with all these stasis and magic theories. Men can have children pretty late. James Doohan had a kid when he was 80.

    Also,

    War and XPs spoiler:
    Spoiler
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    Shojo is stated by V in the preamble recap to be 72, while Miko 28. He'd have been 43-44 in that case, hardly excessive.
    Last edited by MReav; 2009-10-22 at 05:53 PM.

  7. - Top - End - #1327
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Aw, man, how much awesome stuff have I missed through not checking back in a while? Just from what I've caught on the last few pages, we have Watersmurf finishing her amazing story and giving us a one-shot that's even cuter (I can only imagine how badly poor V was embarrassed by hir parents as 50/60-year-old!), CoffeeIncluded writing heaps of adorable ficlets, HalfHalfling committing Art again (I really like short-haired young V, and ze and Kyrie are adorable as ever!) and Kaytara... oh, serious-faced little V, clutching one of hir beloved spellbooks! I love it! *melts*
    Last edited by esmerelder; 2009-10-22 at 06:03 PM.


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  8. - Top - End - #1328
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    You probably weren't talking to me, but I never pass up an excuse to draw V. :D

    Spoiler
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    *Squees*

    I love all of these, and I would so put up a picture if my scanner decided to cooperate with me.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-10-22 at 08:02 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #1329
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Gimliggamer's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Here we go: Elan x Redcloak

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    "Son of a BugBear!" Redcloak sighed. he didn't know how this had happened. He was just at a bar, drinking away his troubles with Xykon, when she came. She was lovely for a human, and he couldn't take his eyes off her. She had pale skin, long black hair, and a lovely black dress, that was a little revealing. She came and sat next to him."I'll have a double tamp on the rocks" she ordered. The bartender served her. Redcloak couldn't believe his luck. They had ordered the same drink. "So, how's it going miss?" He asked her, a little tipsy." boring" she answered, a little uninterested in the redcloaked goblinoid." Can I buy you another drink?" He asked."Sure" she answered, suddenly realizing that he was hitting on her. He did. they drank together."Hey goblin," He looked up."What's your name?" she asked. Redcloak almost squeeled this was going so well."Redcloak" he answered. "Hey Redcloak, you wanna come over to my place?" She asked. "Yes!" He answered, a little too enthusiastically."Let's go" She beckoned to him. He followed. They got on her horse, she rode in front, Redcloak hanging on at the back. They got to her house, a nice little hut type house with 3 rooms, a living room, a kitchen, and his favorite at the moment, a bedroom. She had a king sized bed in the bedroom, a couch and fireplace in the living room, and an oven in the kitchen."Wait here" she said, pointing to the couch. He sat down and waited."I'm ready!" He heard her call from the doorway. She was wearing a thin, invisible night gown over her black braw and panties. He ran over and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.


    ---------
    Redcloak woke up in her bed. She was asleep next to him. He was sore in the groin and in the neck.That human sure did have endurance. He slowly got out of the bed, and looked around the bedroom for his undergarments." I know what your looking for, and I,ve got them right here." she purred. Redcloak turned around. The woman had his undergarments in her hand. He took a step forward.She pulled her hand away.He looked at her, confused."there is a price for this valuable item" she said."What is it?"He asked."Another round with me" she smiled."But why?"He asked."That's my price." She said with a smirk."fine" he gave in. He got back in bed with her. An hour later, he was putting his undergarments on."Wasn't it fun?' she asked. He had to admit, he liked the price. He slowly got dressed."can you take me back to the bar? My horse is there." He asked. "fine" she said. she got dressed and took him back. He thanked her for a good time, and she left. Redcloak got back onto his horse, and left for Xykon's Castle. He got there, and climbed into his bed and went to sleep. The next morning he woke up and walked into the bathroom. He gasped. He was strangely pale, and had 2 fangs protruding from his upper lip. That woman was a vampire. And she bit him. he didn't thank her now. He covered up with a wrap, and took a walk into the cool night air. As he strolled, someone came up behind him."Hi!" Redcloak leaped around. It was that fool bard from the Order of the Stick."What do you want?!" Redcloak yelled." I think its cool that you have pointy teeth." The bard said."Really?" said Redcoak thoughtfully."yeah!" said the fool bard." You know I have to take you prisoner now."Redcloak told him."AWwwwwwwwwwwwwww! do I have t-.WAIT! I can be a hero. I'll have an oppurtunity to escape as a hero!" The fool exclaimed.Redcloak bound Elan's hands and feet, and put a gag in his mouth.Can't have him yammering on, alerting his allies. Redcloak slung Elan over his shoulder, he was surprisingly light.Redcloak took him to the castle, where he was found by Xykon."Well,well.What do we have here." The lich said thoughtfully."throw him in the prison!" redcloak took him to his cell, where he was unbound and ungagged."That skeleton was scary" Elan whispered."well you will have to get used to it, because he's like that all the time."Redcloak explained. Redcloak left the cell and closed the door. He went to his room and thought."He said he liked my fangs. No-one else will." as Redcloak brooded on his thoughts, elan was thinking. What you would have heard in his head would be a poem singin over and over to an elevator tune: Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet , and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head!. Elan's door opened. It was redcloak."Hi Redcloak!" Elan said. Red cloak walked in, and shut the cell door behind him."Whatcha doin?"Elan asked. Redcloak sat down, and started stripping down."What are you doing!?" When Redcloak was finished, he started on Elan."AAAAAaa!!!!""I love you." whispered Redcloak.


    I don't have any brain bleach, never have, never needed it. Why do you ask?

    Critiques are welcome!
    I'm going to say not a bad start at all for a new person to crack-writing myself.
    Last edited by Gimliggamer; 2009-10-23 at 12:27 AM.
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  10. - Top - End - #1330
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Saeyan's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by half-halfling View Post
    <adorable picture of V and Kyrie>
    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    You probably weren't talking to me, but I never pass up an excuse to draw V. :D
    OMG teh cute. I love you guys. One comment for Kaytara though - you handle faces, upper torsos and arms really, really well, but it seems as though V has no hips in that picture. Maybe just a bit wider (0.5cm on each side?) so she can bear Redcloak's child in the future?

    I think I'll go doodle something now.

    Edit:
    Quote Originally Posted by Gimliggamer View Post
    snip
    Uh, paragraphs? I guess my only other comment would be that the whole RC-shagging-a-vampire bit (mainly the part before the divider) could be a bit shorter, because it kind of detracts from the main part of the story. I know it's there to set up the vampire!RC scenario but it still seems kind of long and rambly.

    Edit 2:
    Quote Originally Posted by BatRobin
    Would you mind if I made a thread similar to this-but without pairings? It'd have tables to roll on with plot devices (but different ones) and stuff, and then they're write a story, but not a love one, because those belong here.
    Actually I think the way this thread is going we're slowly becoming an all-purpose fanwork archive (both cracky and not) for all genres, not just pairings. So I'd vote to keep them together, because 2 threads would be...I dunno, messy.

    Edit 3: Well, I drew something based on half-halfling's thing, but it's got no faces. Or rather, I erased the faces and drew in circle-and-a-curve faces. Should I post it?
    Last edited by Saeyan; 2009-10-23 at 02:35 AM.

    I draw pictures:


    (haven't been updated in a while and you can read the comic here)

  11. - Top - End - #1331
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    OMG teh cute. I love you guys. One comment for Kaytara though - you handle faces, upper torsos and arms really, really well, but it seems as though V has no hips in that picture. Maybe just a bit wider (0.5cm on each side?) so she can bear Redcloak's child in the future?
    Eeeh, well, it's supposed to be a roughly pre-pubescent V... XD So yes, no real hips. A skinny git, and robes far too voluminous... XD But maybe I overdid it. XD

    Go ahead and post anything you have. :)
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  12. - Top - End - #1332
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    Gimliggamer's Avatar

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    biggrin Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    By the way, kaytara, your Avatar's evil Muffinness is awesomesauce in a blanket.
    Last edited by Gimliggamer; 2009-10-23 at 06:38 AM.
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  13. - Top - End - #1333
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Question Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Gimliggamer View Post
    By the way, kaytara, your Avatar's evil Muffinness is awesomesauce in a blanket.
    Zanaril drew it. :D As illustration for a story in this thread, of all things. :D
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
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  14. - Top - End - #1334
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Zanaril drew it. :D As illustration for a story in this thread, of all things. :D
    Think I must have missed that story...
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  15. - Top - End - #1335
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Think I must have missed that story...
    The soul spliced Inky banner was from Silveraptor's story. Someone then suggested I draw spliced Inky with a banana nut muffin. So I did.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
    DeviantArt

  16. - Top - End - #1336
    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Yeah I knew, just commenting on muffiness, you know, the usual. I have been asked to ask if anyone would be willing to play in an evil fantasy campaign Dmed by godsown91. I of course, am joining with my drow sorcerer.
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  17. - Top - End - #1337
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by half-halfling View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by CheeseMuncher View Post
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    Great pictures, guys! Really! I wish I could do half as well. :) Sadly, my talents lie solely with writing and singing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
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    *drools over picture*

    It's great to have you back, Saeyan! Did I tell you that you would or what? What have you managed to sort through so far?

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post
    [snip]
    Good to have you back!

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Vaarsuvius' parents are... endearing but somewhat disturbing. No wonder Vaarsuvius grew up caring so much about privacy and being a bit defensive about gender.
    I actually specifically thought about how V turned out when trying to figure out how to portray hir parents. S/he already displayed disdain of the things hir parents made hir do (like camping) as a child, so maybe it was less a disliking of the actual activities and more of actually spending time around hir parents. I did my best to make why V would be iffy about love, affection, and sexuality after being raised by them obvious. Glad I did well. :)

    Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about elf gestation period. I don't think I'm going to make it go anytime over a year long, but it's probably going to take less time than that. Four years? I love making V suffer, but speaking as someone who is probably going to have to go through this, there are some things that are just too cruel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    General things: Is it just me or has the overall tone of this thread gotten more serious lately?
    It's not just you. I may be partially to blame since I write with really dark tone and themes. Sometimes, my style bleeds along and infects stuff.

    Speaking of which, I got the first chapter of the next story. I'm not sure how happy I am with it, but I'll let you guys help me make it better. Ta-da!

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    “I’ve made my diagnosis.”

    “Good.” Vaarsuvius irritably tied up a red robe, hiding a pale body from view and shivering despite the heat, brushing off stray sand grains and glaring a little at the flimsy tent surrounding them. “I still do not understand why I had to strip and allow you to touch me.”

    The human cleric sighed softly, shaking her head in a very beleaguered fashion and rolling her eyes. “Believe me, it was essential.”

    “Well please tell me what is wrong, prescribe the proper medication, and tell me what this costs so that I may go back about my business.”

    Blackwing popped into existence on his master’s shoulder, having disappeared to avoid seeing the elf’s naked body. He gave his master an affectionate little nip on the ear, provoking a twitch from it and a half-hearted scowl from Vaarsuvius, but little else. The human woman shifted her weight, frowning. “You won’t be doing much, I hope. You’re pregnant.”

    “What I do is none of your…” Vaarsuvius paused, frowning at the woman and the tenseness leaving thin shoulders. “Excuse me?”

    “Pregnant. You are pregnant.”

    “…” Vaarsuvius’s mouth opened to speak, then closed. Blackwing let out a loud squawk, jumping up and flapping his wings in distress, jabbering things in raven that no one wanted to understand.

    “Are you sure about this?”

    “Yes. I used a spell to make sure, and all of the symptoms check out. Mild cramping, backache, nausea, swollen and tender breasts—”

    “I do not need my symptoms reiterated!” Vaarsuvius’s pale face flushed, reluctant to be reminded why Durkon hadn’t been the one to go to with the symptoms, and the elf lightly jumping down from the examination table. “Well, do you know where I could procure termination?”

    The woman’s lips tightened a little, but she refrained from spitting out what was obviously going through her head. “I wouldn’t suggest trying to do anything here,” she said carefully, running a hand through her dull brown hair. “Your particular sub-race of high elf is rare around this area. The herbs we have for pregnancy termination are meant for humans and could be very dangerous for you to try to use—they’d be much too strong and could kill you. You can’t try a surgical procedure here because the tents don’t keep out the sand; grains could get inside you and cause a potentially fatal infection. Not even the best healer could take out every sand grain.”

    “So you suggest that I travel while with child?”

    “I suggest that you stay with the father until you give birth. Surely you can wait until then.”

    Vaarsuvius made a quick dismissive gesture, Blackwing landing on a small shoulder with another squawk. “My business cannot wait so long, and being with the father is completely out of the question.”

    “Ma’am, if you need to travel, at least inform the healer in your group that—”

    “No,” the elf said bluntly. “My situation is my own business. It will not impede my performance.”

    “You’ll start getting bigger, your breasts will start hurting more, your speed will diminish, your nausea can turn into out-and-out morning sickness, your back will get more pained… I am certain that this will hurt your performance. Delay the adventure or step out of it.”

    “That is not an option for me.” Vaarsuvius brushed the sand off of the red robe. “Tell me how to handle the symptoms and give me your price.”

    The woman sighed, closing her eyes in annoyance. “I have some prenatal vitamins that double as a treatment for the pain. Stay away from alcohol and monsters that cause paralysis, intense heat, intense cold or poison you. I hope I don’t need to tell you what an induced miscarriage can do to an elf of your build.”

    “Quite honestly, I forget that I am capable of child bearing most of the time. I have never paid attention to such trivial matters.”

    “It’s not trivial now. You’re too slim and physically frail to handle childbirth without the help of a healer, and an induced miscarriage would be extremely dangerous. You’re too thin and your hips are too slender—it wouldn’t pass properly and you would either tear something or get a serious infection.”

    “Spare me the details, please.” Vaarsuvius scowled a little, slightly suspicious of the cleric’s motivations behind the cleric’s vehement discouragement of anything that would result in the loss of the fetus, but knowing nothing about pregnancy or the wideness or slenderness of hips, the elf had to concede without a fight. “I hardly care about infertility. It was never my intention to have children in the first place.”

    “You’ll risk more than infertility, especially out in the desert. Remember the sand grains I told you about?”

    “You do not need to repeat yourself. You do not want me to terminate the pregnancy, intentionally or no.” Vaarsuvius frowned, starting to pace a little. “You certainly know more about this than I, however, so I am forced to trust your advice. I shall do as you say.”

    “Good. Listen, once you’re out of the desert and in a sterile hospital, you can do what you like. There isn’t a cleric’s spell for termination, but there are people who can do it manually without hurting you in hospitals. Please don’t try a home remedy.”

    “Madam, I am not a fool. What else can I do to deal with the symptoms?”

    The cleric frowned. “Keep a good diet. Keep a good exercise routine. Try to not exert yourself.” She turned and started rummaging in the trunks she kept in the corner of her tent. “And take these.”

    She straightened and handed over a simple glass jar filled with pink capsules, devoid of a label. “These are the prenatal vitamins I was talking about. A quick tip: you might want to keep the father’s hands away from your breasts until after the birth. If they’re that tender now, you’re in for a rough ride.”

    Vaarsuvius flushed, trying to ignore the twinges of pain that merely came from the robes pressing against a small chest. “I do not believe that that shall be a problem.” The elf took the vitamins carefully, putting them in a Bag of Holding attached to the inside of the red robe. “What is your price?”

    “It’s free of charge when it comes to pregnancy. Personal policy.” The cleric ran a hand through her hair. “I really do think that you should tell your healer. Your hips are extremely thin and your weight is below the ideal of your gender, height, and species. Your body is going to take a beating with supporting a baby. And I urge you to tell the father.”

    “Neither will know if I have any say about it.” Vaarsuvius dipped a delicate head carefully. “Thank you for your help.”

    The raven still grumbling in a bird language, the elf left.

    ---

    “Pregnant? Pregnant?!

    “Blackwing, I do not want to talk about it.”

    “Screw that! Vaarsuvius, this is serious!”

    “I know.”

    Vaarsuvius irritably wrapped the red robe tighter around a pale body, glaring at the ground. “We need to procure diamond dust for Durkon. I believe I saw a shop selling spell components this way…”

    “Oh no. No. No, no, no.” Blackwing nipped the elf’s ear impatiently, almost drawing blood. “You are not changing the subject! You are not ignoring this! Hell. No.”

    Vaarsuvius winced, rubbing the wounded ear. “If you are going to bite me, you are not allowed on my shoulder.”

    “Stop trying to change the subject!” Blackwing nipped the elf’s finger, scraping through several layers of skin. Vaarsuvius jerked the hand back. “This is way bigger than some affair with the enemy, Vaarsuvius! You’re pregnant! Pregnant!

    “I do not need you to tell me, infernal avian!”

    Vaarsuvius plucked the raven off of the little shoulder, glaring at him fiercely. “I have enough to work with presently.” The elf let the raven go. “This is a setback. I will deal with it on my own.”

    Haven’t you learned anything?! Trying to do stuff like this on your own ends up badly!”

    Blackwing’s feathers were thoroughly fluffed to the point where he looked comically alike to a ball of fuzz trying to point at the elf sternly.

    “This is a matter of my own body and I shall treat it as such.”

    “By going crazy and running off to an island on your own to get attacked by an angry mother dragon and make a deal with fiends?”

    “There are not any islands nearby, so I suppose that that is out of the question,” Vaarsuvius said dryly, walking past the bird.

    “Vaarsuvius, slow down and think about this!”

    “I cannot. If I start, I will not stop. It is better to ignore it and make sure that no one else knows.”

    “How do you expect to hide it?!” Blackwing flew up to the elf’s shoulder again, digging his talons into the soft skin. “This is an interracial baby. You don’t know how goblin pregnancy works. What if you need to give birth before the end of the journey?”

    “The likelihood of that is almost nothing, considering the complexity of goblins and elves, including the length of elven pregnancy. It could not have been shortened so much. When this fiasco with the Snarl is over, assuming that we will still exist and be rooted in the mortal world, I can simply terminate.”

    Blackwing threw up his wings. “What about Durkon?! You’re going to start showing off symptoms. You’re going to eat more, trance more, need painkillers when the backaches and headaches get worse… He’s a cleric who specializes in healing for goodness’s sake! He’ll see that something’s up!”

    “I will curb my increased desire to consume anything other than what I usually do and will avoid trancing any longer than eight hours. I will do my best to cope with the pain, but I doubt that Mr. Thundershield will read so far into something as simple as an increased intake of painkillers as assume that I must be in the condition I am in.”

    “And the morning sickness?”

    “My parent once informed me that she did not suffer from it while she was carrying me. Assuming that such things are genetic, I doubt that that will be an issue.”

    “V, you’ll kill yourself like this! At the very least, you’re going to need to eat and trance a little more!” Blackwing let out an irritable squawk. “You’re going to be doing it for two, now!”

    “At most, I can only be a few weeks along. I will be able to handle it without allowing too many outward signs to show.” Vaarsuvius put a lock of royal purple hair behind a pointed, twitching ear, remembering the feel of a familiar scaled hand doing the same and aching a little for its touch. The elf crushed the feeling swiftly. “Let us focus on the diamond dust.”

    Blackwing huffed in irritation. “One last question before you go on your inevitable downward spiral and I’m stuck pulling you out again—you’re going to a gate. Xykon is going to go to a gate. Redcloak is going to be with Xykon. What do you say if you guys meet up at the same gate? It’s his kid, unless you’ve been doing something that I’m not aware of.”

    “He is the father, I assure you.” Vaarsuvius stopped short behind a tent, frozen in place and eyes closed. Blackwing shifted nervously, tempted to ask if something was going on but somehow aware that words would shatter whatever it was the mage was doing. The elf brought one pale knuckle up and bit it hard enough to leave marks, letting out a deep breath and opening violet eyes again. “He is the father. He will not know, though. There was nothing in our affair besides passion, understanding, and lust. I doubt that he cares as much as he seems to think he does. A child would only make it even more complicated for him and myself. I will not inform him of any of this.”

    “Remember that thing about ‘probability serving drama like a copper-piece harlot’? Yeah. We all know that he’s going to find out, V. And the Order, too. Rule of Drama demands it.”

    Vaarsuvius lapsed into silence.

    “Hide it all you want. You know I’m right. When he finds out, what are you going to say?”

    The elf remained silent.

    “Well?”

    “Nothing.”

    Blackwing frowned, letting out a confused warble from deep in his throat. “Come again?”

    “Nothing. If we are in a situation where he finds out, we are also in a situation where we are fighting. The affair was just that—an affair. Nothing long or meaningful. I made a mistake and put too much trust in spells to protect me from problems such as this. He held back only once to allow me to escape. He will not do so again. If he finds out, that is another reason to kill me.” Vaarsuvius sighed softly. “I was too weak to kill him once. Even if this child is his, I will not allow myself to be so feeble-hearted again. If he finds out, nothing will change—I will try to kill him and he will try to kill me. Only one will come back this time.”

    The elf straightened, brushing off the red robes and starting off again. “I have no desire to speak anymore of this.”

    Blackwing let out a sigh, nipping the tip of the elf’s ear gently. “I guess I’m sticking with you through this again.”

    Vaarsuvius gave the raven a quick stroke on the wing. That said more than words would.

    The elf briskly walked into a magic components shop, stepping past a fat wizard with a white turban and a frog on his shoulder…


    Hm. Blackwing is surprisingly hard to write in a way where he is assuredly in character. He's only interacted with others in a few strips so far, so maybe that's the issue.

    Thoughts?
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-10-23 at 02:14 PM.

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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

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    Very good. I especially like your description, very accurate.

    It seems we all love to torture Vaarsuvius.

    I feared for V when in Xykon's clutches, but now that she's pregnant with Redcloak's child, he'll be even madder than when she lost his phylactery.
    Last edited by Dark Faun; 2009-10-23 at 01:56 PM.
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Oh V. You should really start listening to Blackwing; he seems to have the highest wisdom score out of the two of you...
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Nice one!

    ...Hoo boy.

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Gaaah.

    Well. Hm.

    Well-written, certainly. :D I can practically hear V speak. Blackwing, too. You're doing a fine job of characterising him. :)
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    Gaaah.

    Well. Hm.

    Well-written, certainly. :D I can practically hear V speak. Blackwing, too. You're doing a fine job of characterising him. :)
    Wow, that's even more of a compliment since we've never heard them speak before!
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

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    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    New story is great. So Vaarsuvius turns out to be female (at least physically if not mentally).

    I have new picture of young V -this time few decades older than in the story about her parents :)





    Quote Originally Posted by Saeyan View Post
    Edit 3: Well, I drew something based on half-halfling's thing, but it's got no faces. Or rather, I erased the faces and drew in circle-and-a-curve faces. Should I post it?
    Based on my thing? I can't wait to see it, even without faces

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by half-halfling View Post
    New story is great. So Vaarsuvius turns out to be female (at least physically if not mentally).

    I have new picture of young V -this time few decades older than in the story about her parents :)

    Lulz, I love it.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Half-halfling, that's awesome. :D

    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    Wow, that's even more of a compliment since we've never heard them speak before!
    You know what I mean. :D One does sort of come to imagine a voice and, more importantly, manner of speech based on the character's lines in the canon. What I was trying to say was that Water-Smurf's writing of V feels so natural and in-character that it reads just like as if I'm reading the comic.
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-10-23 at 07:04 PM.
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Loved the story.

    Chuckled at the picture.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Think I must have missed that story...
    It's my Inkyrius story. Go and read it from the index second post.
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    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    You guys are awesome. That is official.

    @Water-Smurf: Well, at least V went to a doctor. I was half-expecting her to refuse to even consider seeking medical attention.

    @half-halfing: Where are the gratuitous piercings? Elves have big ears, logic dictates that they should have multiple piercings.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    And then Nale died horribly after cutting himself by accident.


    /antilurk mode:

    That made me laugh so hard I'm mildly ashamed of myself.


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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by half-halfling View Post
    New story is great. So Vaarsuvius turns out to be female (at least physically if not mentally).

    I have new picture of young V -this time few decades older than in the story about her parents :)






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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    The soul spliced Inky banner was from Silveraptor's story. Someone then suggested I draw spliced Inky with a banana nut muffin. So I did.
    I didn't even see the muffin until that post.

    half-halfling, that image is love. Also, for some reason the short hair is making me finally begin to see why some people think V is a girl.

    And here's the faceless picture. I colored in the shadows of their noses though. Also, sorry to all the members of Team Kyrie Is A Man but I am of the firm belief that Inkyrius is female.

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    The picture is kind of distorted because the camera wasn't directly above the piece of paper.
    my pencil broke


    Last edited by Saeyan; 2009-10-24 at 01:59 AM.

    I draw pictures:


    (haven't been updated in a while and you can read the comic here)

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