Crack Pairings V - We Revel in Infamy

[Meg]

And i REALLY wouldn't advise trying to zombify my siblings.
There's no way that can end well...
Trust me on this one

I'd hazard a guess that very few things that end well have the word 'zombify' as a key step.

[Nathander]

It's a long story involving a 'Biological Mash Up' (See TVtropes) and Murphy's Law deciding to specifically target a single individual with all it's might.
It also involves 'Be Careful What You Wish For' and a 'Literal Genie' (Tvtropes)

The result of the ensuing mess is a ass-kicking killing machine of the 'Fragile Speedster' variety (Again, see TVtropes)

Ah, gotcha.

How about no? *Casts a fireball at*

*screams as he's engulfed in flames*

[Lawyergoblin]

*screams as he's engulfed in flames*

Don't worry. I'll heal you.

*casts cure critical wounds*
...
Am I the only cleric here?

[Devixer]

Hey all, long time viewer, first time poster here. I've had a fun time reading all your stories and taking look-sees at your art, and I had an even better time in the subsequent hunt for Brain Bleach (where I come from, it's not common.) I've been around for a while, and though I got interested in writing them, I never really took initiative until now.

So, I'm working on my own pairing and I expect it to be up here soon.

[Yiuel]

Probably. I'm a Fighter-Wizard. I tell the laws of physics to sit down and then I crush my bewildered opponents. My favorite spell? Homebrewed "Ward of Peace", where all creatures within the ward cannot willingly attack me and any of my allies.

[Water-Smurf]

Spoiler

Show

Ive seen a fat man raping women and eating thier children, I was 10 when I had this dream.

I was eight when I had a nearly identical dream.

And then I dreamed about two cannibals that looked like my grandparents who ate my friends and my father, one by one, over multiple trips, while I screamed and begged my family/friends to run and leave. :< (Dream family and friends are surprisingly stupid. I mean, you tell them that the hosts of the pretty mansion have already eaten six friends of various ages and your pet dog and are going to eat them too, then they say that they have to say goodbye before we run to be polite.)

And dont be so harsh on yourself, Or do you want this shrine I built in dedication to your writing to go to waste?

Awww... that's surprisingly sweet... It should be creepy, but it's sweet...

(Also, remember that we do not know whether Tiasal is fertile - she could be a 'mule'.)

Yeah, I should probably figure that out...

And I'll try my hand at the fluff. Hey, I thought that the original Tiasal fic was narm-tastic and everyone loved it, so maybe I'll make something worthwhile...

It's good to hear that you are back in school, but how do you feel?

I don't really feel anything right now. I think my body is making me numb by not allowing me to breathe due to a cold, not letting me sleep until I've tossed and turned for at least an hour, and waking me up well before four in the morning and refusing to let me get back to sleep. At all.

On the plus side, I get new classes and new teachers for the new semester. So far, I think I like them. And I don't see any big concentration of asses in any of my classes, so this semester will probably be easier than the last one... (Assuming my bloody body will let me sleep! >.< )

Yeah, I see this as most likely to come up as his reason for thinking Reddy forced/coerced V into it.

Ah, the seeds of drama have been planted. Poor Reddy. Everyone assumes he's a rapist.

From Inky's point of view; V hardly ever put out for him, why on earth would she willingly start sleeping with some evil goblin cleric?

I love this sentence for some reason. I'm not sure why.

But that must be a serious bruise to the ego once V or someone else confirms that the whole thing was completely and utterly consensual. I mean, Inky would have to wonder if it was hir fault or not. Was s/he just not good enough at it? Was Vaarsuvius discontent? Has she had other affairs? Does she love this goblin?

Somehow, I think that the added bonus of, yes, Vaarsuvius loves Redcloak would really drive the stake through Inky's heart.

I could also see Inky slipping up and saying something just a bit too derogatory about V, and sebsequently Reddy getting defensive, if not outright angry.

That fits them perfectly, actually. I'm not sure what Inky would say, but s/he would say something. That whore? That slut? That something-that-I-can't-say-on-the-forum?

At what point would Reddy be offended on behalf of Suvie?

Other people's computers are always weird.

On the bright side, I have my own laptop back. :D

Except you forgot to mention the week or two of cramps, headaches, and everyone seeming more annoying than usual.

And then when the periods sync up? My God! Eight PMSing girls on one dorm floor?! Son of a bitch!

And one thing perplexes me. Why did V Fall in love with Reddy? Shure I get why reddy fell in love with V ,but the only answer I got for V was ....That he is green I guess.

Vaarsuvius is strong and proud in a way that Redcloak isn't. That's what attracts him to her, in a nutshell. In a similar nutshell, the fact that Redcloak is safe attracts V to him.

I don't mean safe as in 'he'll never hurt me': I mean safe as in 'he doesn't take me by surprise.' I wrote a whole essay on this thing. (I think it was at the end of the second thread? Page 49? Why, yes, I do have a really weird memory. )

She loves him because he's honest and he explains his actions and what to expect from him, if not his motivations. She loves him because she can relate to him on a level that neither of them are aware of. (Both of them lost their families because of their fatal flaw, both are the only intellectuals in a band of idiots and crazy people, both are secretive and private but intelligent and curious people...)

I could go on, but my school shuts off my Internet in a half-hour, so I can't.

I may be a late, but I would say that Inky would probably not even want an explanation. If you walked in on anyone making out, chances are you'd just say, "I don't even want to know." and leave. Especially given the circumstances, s/he might want to know later, but at the moment of discovery, they'd just walk out. That may not be useful, but hey.

This is if Reddy's actually sat down with Inky and explained the whole thing while V was indisposed.

I wonder what Inky's been doing all this time? He's got the kids to look after, but has he just been trying to get on with his life? Trying to track down V? Crying himself to sleep? Joining Aandy's late night drinking sessions?

I'll explain the canon to my stories (unless otherwise noted, of course). Inky's been in therapy and is now on serious meds that make hir fuzzy and a little hard to reach, but without them, s/he has nervous breakdowns left and right.

Okay, since my Internet's going off soon, I'm cutting myself short. Adios! See you guys tomorrow.

[Kyronea]

Who drew the picture of Tiasel that Water Smurf has been using as her avatar again?

Because I have to say, each time I see it, Tiasel looks more and more beautiful.

[Crilly]

Odd. Every time I look at it, Tiasel looks more like a freak of nature. To each hir own I guess.

[Dark_Stryke]

Chapter 2 of It Started With a Kiss Seriously, if anyone can think of a better title I'll rename it.

Spoiler

Show

Two days earlier...


"This human custom is wasting valuable time." Vaarsuivius groused. "Time better spent tracking down Xykon, I might add."

"Relax, ears." Belkar said with a yawn. "Sidequests are like free XP. They're easy, we get to kill something that isn't aware we're coming, heh, and the rewards are disprop- distro- dispair - big, compared to the challenge."

"I find no fault in the taking on of the occasional sidequest. As you have noted, the rewards are often disproportionate to the challenge offered. No, what I find fault with is this." The elf spread robed arms in exasperation, taking in the entire opulant room.

The Order of the Stick was currently located in the mansion of baron Edgar Reddragon the Third, lord ruler of Reddragonsville (a man who, incidently, desperately hated his family name, and the grandfather who founded the city. It seemed to attract a rather unpleasant number of dragons). Specifically, they were in a waiting room adjoining the audience chamber, idling while they waited for the signal to enter. Three days ago, the Order had slain the wizard Entresi the Mad, who lived in a tower outside the town. Apparently he had been creating a number of cursed magic items and selling them to residents for kicks. When the Order heard of his various torments, they were quick to offer their services (for a fair price, of course). Now they waited to reap the rewards.

"What's the big deal, V?" Roy asked, perplexed. He stretched languidly, slightly uncomfortable out of his armor and in a silk shirt. Really, the rest of the order was doing no better. Haley looked positively at odds in a dress, Belkar looked like Frodo's twisted brother, Durkon's eyes darted about the room warily, as if he expected attack at any second now that he wasn't surrounded by steel. Only Elan and V seemed normal, mostly because they hadn't changed. Elan's 'dashing swordsman attire' as he called it, was apparently fit to be seen amongst nobles, and Vaarsuvius had simply refused to change. The servant who had been dressing them nearly threw a fit until Roy tactfully pointed out that a powerful and mysterious wizard would be of more interest to the Reddragonsville upper class than some elf in fancy clothes.

"The 'big deal' is that we waste time here as the baron trots us out to be put on display like some collection of prized lapdogs for his snivelling colleagues while Xykon could be anywhere, doing anything!" The elf grumbled, gesturing at the air darkly.

"Look, it won't take that l-"

"And the worst part, is that he plans to end the parade by carting out his filthy spawn, and having us perform a thoroughly pointless ritual upon her hands!"

"You're worried about kissing her hand? Really? This is an issue for you?" Roy asked, bemused. "Look, I know its kind of a silly custom, but in human lands, generally when a knight or a group of brave knights-"

"Of which we are neither."

"Anyway, it's traditional for the knights, when they do a great deed, to be offered a chance to kiss the queen's hand-"

"Of which the baron's daughter is neither. A queen nor married to him, that is."

"As I was saying, the practice has sort of spilled over to other nobles. It's a sign of the baron's respect for us that he's letting us do this."

"I didn't know wasting our time was a sign of respect."

Roy tried very hard to keep his anger from bubbling over. He could sense that V was frustrated, and simply taking it out on the easiest available target. Why the elf was in such a bad mood was a mystery, but he was used to dealing with the quirks of his party members by now. That's not to say he wasn't delighted when a herald began to call their names. He may have even mumbled a prayer of thanks to whatever gods might have been listening.


"Presenting Durkon Thundershield, a dwarven cleric of Thor, come all the way from the dwarven lands to rid us the wizard!"

Durkon blanched. "Tha's not why I-"

"Just get out there!" Roy hissed, shoving the dwarf through the door. He heard clapping and saw Durkon waving half-heartedly to the crowd.

"Next is Belkar Bitterleaf, a halfing ranger and lover of the woodlands!"

"What? WHAT?! I'll slit his friggin' throat and-"

"No, you won't!" Roy barked. "Get in there and don't kill anyone!"

The halfing departed, muttering sullenly under his breath. He quickly brightened as he entered the room, and immediately began making catcalls and lewd offers to the various nobles' wives and daughters.

"Who could forget the musical stylings of Elan the Dashing, a bard famed across the lands! Come on out, Elan!"

Elan looked crestfallen. "Roy, how come he didn't say my last name? It's real easy. It's T-"

"Elan, there's no time! Move!" Roy replied. We can deal with that later!"

Another burst of applause greated Elan's entrance. The herald continued on. "Next up is Haley Starshine, an enchanting rogue and stealer of many, many hearts!"

Haley cocked an eyebrow at Roy. "Stealer? Really? This guy's material is the best they can come up with? What, did he not make it through preschool?"

Roy put his head in his hands. "Haley, please, please do not make this any more difficult. Just get out there."

"You owe me 10gp if he screws up your introduction." Haley shot over her shoulder as she walked clumsily into the audience chamber to thunderous applause and a few wolf whistles.

"Presenting the amazing Roy Bluepommel, a fighter who leads the group with the might of his steel!"

Roy bit his tongue as he stepped into the audience chamber. He was torn between correcting the herald about his name, or insisting to the crowd that he wasn't just a big dumb fighter and infact, had an MBA. Instead he just looked around the room. It was two tiered, with the second tier containing a number of seats for the nobles to look upon the various proceedings below. The lower tier had a bright red carpet leading to an honest-to-gods raised thrown, where the baron sat regally with his teenaged daughter in a normal chair by his side. Roy took his place with the rest of his party, standing just a few meters away from the thrown.

"And finally, I present Vaarsuvius, and elven wizard of great and mysterious power!" The room grew silent in expectation, The herald glanced nervously at the door. "I said, I present Vaarsuivius!" He declared. He finally peered into the waiting room, which he found empty. "Vaarsuvius? where are you?" He said somewhat less thunderously.

Roy turned away from the baron to look at the empty room. "Oh gods damn it." He muttered darkly.

Just then he heard a voice at his side. "Dancing Lights. Dismiss Invisibility." and suddenly Vaarsuivius was standing by his side, four twinkling points of light swirling around the elf's robed form, looking every bit the powerful wizard.

Roy jumped back in surprise as the crowd began to whoop and hollar at the magical display. The elf smiled darkly at Roy. "Just a little revenge, Roy. Be thankful you haven't done anything to truly upset me."

Before Roy could reply, baron Reddragon called the crowd to order. He began a rather long and rambling speech, thanking the Order for their heroic actions while they stood mute and uncomfortable in their finery. Finally, he got to the part that Roy assumed meant they were near the end of the whole thing. "And so, as a small token of my appreciation," The baron declared magnanimously, "I present to you my lovely daughter, Casey Reddragon, to grant you her favor."

"Almost done." Roy whispered to V. The young baroness-to-be had to bend over slightly to allow Durkon and Belkar to kiss her hand, the latter of whom began mumbling dirty offers to the girl before Roy very unsubtlely kicked him in the rear. Elan made a big show of it, bending at the waist and very gracefully putting his lips on the back of her hand. Next, the girl moved to Haley, and paused, seemingly unsure of herself.

"Look," Haley whispered. "I know it's usually men, and if I had my way I wouldn't be here, but let's just make everybody happy and get this over with."

"O-of course, miss Starshine." The girl whispered back, extending her hand.

"That's the spirit." Haley responded, winking suggestively as she took the girl's hand. The poor noble turned crimson and snatched her hand away quickly after Haley planted her lips there.

"Haley," Roy muttered warningly. "Stop sexually confusing the noblewoman."

"Sorry Roy, I've got 10gp against Belkar saying I could get a better reaction out of her than him. 10gp I just won, I may add." Haley replied flippantly.

Roy turned to Casey, sighing in exasperation. "I am so, so sorry for all the trouble my party members are causing." He whispered as he bent down to take the girl's hand.

"I-it's no problem, really. My father is so happy since you killed the wizard, mister Greenhilt."

"And you even got my name right. Thanks, kiddo."

Casey flashed him a winning smile before moving on to Vaarsuvius. The elf sighed thunderously and gave a great eye roll before daintily pecking the girl on her knuckles. And that's when all hell broke loose.

"NYAA-HA-HA-HO!!" A thoroughly insane voice thundered as purple smoke filled the room. The leering visage of the departed wizard Entresi appeared in the center above the room, his grey beard a mass of tangles, and his conical cap bent, exactly as he had been before Roy had run him through. "Behold, my final curse upon your pathetic lives! NYAA-HA-HA-HO!"

Roy could see guards frantically stabbing at the gigantic wizard's head, but the thing was clearly an illusion, and sword, spear, and arrow passed right through. The purple smoke began to congeal around the young baron's daughter, and she gagged, apparently being strangled.

"Durkon, V, do something!" Roy yelled, feeling powerless. He jumped forward and clawed at the purple smoke, which seemed to be suddenly solid.

"Dispel Magic!" He heard Durkon intone. He felt Durkon's power coil about the purple smoke, only to slough off uselessly. "Dispel Magic!" The dwarf cried again. Again it failed. "S'no use, lad! Vaarsuvius, stop the spell!"

Vaarsuvius had fallen back, apparently stunned. "I did not anticipate... how could that old wizard have..." The elf mumbled dazedly.

"Vaarsuvius, wake up, damn it!" Roy yelled. But it was too late. He could only look on in mute horror as the gagging girl's mouth was pried open by the smoke, and the horrid stuff poured into her as she struggled to breath.

All at once it was over. The wizard head vanished, the purple smoke dissipated, and Casey fell over, only to be caught be Roy. He laid her gently on the ground, and almost whooped for joy when she began coughing weakly. She was alive!

"Lady Casey, are you alright?!" He asked urgently.

"I-" *cough* "I'm-" *hack, cough* "alright." She wheezed. But she didn't sound alright. Her voice sounded... deeper?

Roy rolled her gently onto her back and peered confusedly at her face. She looked... different somehow. Her hair was still the same, but her features seemed somehow harder, like her face had been chisled. He glanced down and saw she was patting herself awkwardly, as if assuring herself that everything was still there. Then he saw her shoulders. They were wider. And her throat. "ohmygods."

Her eyes widened in alarm as she came to the same conclusion that Roy did. "I'm a boy!" She wailed (he wailed?). "That crazy wizard turned me into a boy!"

Baron Reddragon turned a shade more befitting of his name. "Guuuuuaaaaards!" He roared. "Apprehend the Order of the Stick! Clearly they were in league with Entresi all along!"

"What, no, that's not-" Roy pleaded.

"Hell yeah, it's about time this party got started!" Belkar whooped. "Durkon, ears, hold off the guards! I'll make sure the women and children don't make it out!"

"Damn it Belkar!" Roy hissed.

"Oh yeah." Belkar replied thoughtfully. "I'm faking - I mean - I don't do that stuff anymore."

"People, listen to me!" Roy said, raising his arms as the guards closed in. "This is clearly a mistake! We're not in league with the wizard! He's dead! I slew him myself! V, tell them you're not in league with Entresi."

Roy turned breathlessly towards the elf, who was currently sitting on the floor, mumbling. "Surely the wizard did not have the power to fool even me... No, no, this isn't right..."

"I've heard enough!" Baron Reddragon thundered. "Throw these miscreants in the dungeons! If we can't heal my beloved daughter, then we'll torture the procedure out of them!"

"Okay, fine." Roy said. "I didn't want to play rough, but we're mid-level adventurers, and we're not going down without a fight. Haley, Elan, cover Durkon and V."

"I must find the key to that wizard's research..."

"Never mind, just Durkon. Belkar, you're with me. Snatch a weapon and subdue these guards!"

"Hell yeah! Nothin' I lpve more than non-lethally subduing folks! Wink wink."

Roy chose not to dignify that with a response. "Alright team, break!"


Three rounds later...


The Order found themselves in adjacent cells in the baron's ill-used dungeons. Durkon, Belkar, Elan, and Roy shared one cell, while Haley and Vaarsuvius shared the other, a stone wall dividing the two groups.

"Who'd have known that the baron had so many well trained guards?" Haley asked thoughtfully.

"Nngh." Roy grunted in response, rubbing a bump on the back of his head. Today was clearly not his day.

"Hey Roy." Elan said.

"What is it?" Roy asked, exasperated.

"We're in prison, Roy."

"I see that, Elan."

"Hey."

"What?"

"Don't drop the soap."

"I swear to the gods Elan, I will shiv you."

And a part of the story is revealed. But where does it go from here? Only time (and my deranged brain) can tell! Oh, and if anyone picks up the shout out I was making at the end, well, you spend at least as much time on the internet as me. This may not be a good thing.

[Devixer]

I didn't get the reference, but the line at the end still took the cake for me. Good job.

[Silverraptor]

I didn't get the reference, but the line at the end still took the cake for me. Good job.

Except it's a lie.

[Devixer]

Except it's a lie.

...*facepalm*

[Aaron]

And...Well, how emotionally stable would Kyrie be after all this?

I think Kyrie would either suffer a major mental breakdown or just walk away horrified.

Don't worry. I'll heal you.

*casts cure critical wounds*
...
Am I the only cleric here?

No. I was just off-duty* for the day because of "work."
(a.k.a. school )

*I'm the healer for the Stick awards thread and this thread.

[Kyronea]

Chapter 2 of It Started With a Kiss Seriously, if anyone can think of a better title I'll rename it.

Spoiler

Show

Two days earlier...


"This human custom is wasting valuable time." Vaarsuivius groused. "Time better spent tracking down Xykon, I might add."

"Relax, ears." Belkar said with a yawn. "Sidequests are like free XP. They're easy, we get to kill something that isn't aware we're coming, heh, and the rewards are disprop- distro- dispair - big, compared to the challenge."

"I find no fault in the taking on of the occasional sidequest. As you have noted, the rewards are often disproportionate to the challenge offered. No, what I find fault with is this." The elf spread robed arms in exasperation, taking in the entire opulant room.

The Order of the Stick was currently located in the mansion of baron Edgar Reddragon the Third, lord ruler of Reddragonsville (a man who, incidently, desperately hated his family name, and the grandfather who founded the city. It seemed to attract a rather unpleasant number of dragons). Specifically, they were in a waiting room adjoining the audience chamber, idling while they waited for the signal to enter. Three days ago, the Order had slain the wizard Entresi the Mad, who lived in a tower outside the town. Apparently he had been creating a number of cursed magic items and selling them to residents for kicks. When the Order heard of his various torments, they were quick to offer their services (for a fair price, of course). Now they waited to reap the rewards.

"What's the big deal, V?" Roy asked, perplexed. He stretched languidly, slightly uncomfortable out of his armor and in a silk shirt. Really, the rest of the order was doing no better. Haley looked positively at odds in a dress, Belkar looked like Frodo's twisted brother, Durkon's eyes darted about the room warily, as if he expected attack at any second now that he wasn't surrounded by steel. Only Elan and V seemed normal, mostly because they hadn't changed. Elan's 'dashing swordsman attire' as he called it, was apparently fit to be seen amongst nobles, and Vaarsuvius had simply refused to change. The servant who had been dressing them nearly threw a fit until Roy tactfully pointed out that a powerful and mysterious wizard would be of more interest to the Reddragonsville upper class than some elf in fancy clothes.

"The 'big deal' is that we waste time here as the baron trots us out to be put on display like some collection of prized lapdogs for his snivelling colleagues while Xykon could be anywhere, doing anything!" The elf grumbled, gesturing at the air darkly.

"Look, it won't take that l-"

"And the worst part, is that he plans to end the parade by carting out his filthy spawn, and having us perform a thoroughly pointless ritual upon her hands!"

"You're worried about kissing her hand? Really? This is an issue for you?" Roy asked, bemused. "Look, I know its kind of a silly custom, but in human lands, generally when a knight or a group of brave knights-"

"Of which we are neither."

"Anyway, it's traditional for the knights, when they do a great deed, to be offered a chance to kiss the queen's hand-"

"Of which the baron's daughter is neither. A queen nor married to him, that is."

"As I was saying, the practice has sort of spilled over to other nobles. It's a sign of the baron's respect for us that he's letting us do this."

"I didn't know wasting our time was a sign of respect."

Roy tried very hard to keep his anger from bubbling over. He could sense that V was frustrated, and simply taking it out on the easiest available target. Why the elf was in such a bad mood was a mystery, but he was used to dealing with the quirks of his party members by now. That's not to say he wasn't delighted when a herald began to call their names. He may have even mumbled a prayer of thanks to whatever gods might have been listening.


"Presenting Durkon Thundershield, a dwarven cleric of Thor, come all the way from the dwarven lands to rid us the wizard!"

Durkon blanched. "Tha's not why I-"

"Just get out there!" Roy hissed, shoving the dwarf through the door. He heard clapping and saw Durkon waving half-heartedly to the crowd.

"Next is Belkar Bitterleaf, a halfing ranger and lover of the woodlands!"

"What? WHAT?! I'll slit his friggin' throat and-"

"No, you won't!" Roy barked. "Get in there and don't kill anyone!"

The halfing departed, muttering sullenly under his breath. He quickly brightened as he entered the room, and immediately began making catcalls and lewd offers to the various nobles' wives and daughters.

"Who could forget the musical stylings of Elan the Dashing, a bard famed across the lands! Come on out, Elan!"

Elan looked crestfallen. "Roy, how come he didn't say my last name? It's real easy. It's T-"

"Elan, there's no time! Move!" Roy replied. We can deal with that later!"

Another burst of applause greated Elan's entrance. The herald continued on. "Next up is Haley Starshine, an enchanting rogue and stealer of many, many hearts!"

Haley cocked an eyebrow at Roy. "Stealer? Really? This guy's material is the best they can come up with? What, did he not make it through preschool?"

Roy put his head in his hands. "Haley, please, please do not make this any more difficult. Just get out there."

"You owe me 10gp if he screws up your introduction." Haley shot over her shoulder as she walked clumsily into the audience chamber to thunderous applause and a few wolf whistles.

"Presenting the amazing Roy Bluepommel, a fighter who leads the group with the might of his steel!"

Roy bit his tongue as he stepped into the audience chamber. He was torn between correcting the herald about his name, or insisting to the crowd that he wasn't just a big dumb fighter and infact, had an MBA. Instead he just looked around the room. It was two tiered, with the second tier containing a number of seats for the nobles to look upon the various proceedings below. The lower tier had a bright red carpet leading to an honest-to-gods raised thrown, where the baron sat regally with his teenaged daughter in a normal chair by his side. Roy took his place with the rest of his party, standing just a few meters away from the thrown.

"And finally, I present Vaarsuvius, and elven wizard of great and mysterious power!" The room grew silent in expectation, The herald glanced nervously at the door. "I said, I present Vaarsuivius!" He declared. He finally peered into the waiting room, which he found empty. "Vaarsuvius? where are you?" He said somewhat less thunderously.

Roy turned away from the baron to look at the empty room. "Oh gods damn it." He muttered darkly.

Just then he heard a voice at his side. "Dancing Lights. Dismiss Invisibility." and suddenly Vaarsuivius was standing by his side, four twinkling points of light swirling around the elf's robed form, looking every bit the powerful wizard.

Roy jumped back in surprise as the crowd began to whoop and hollar at the magical display. The elf smiled darkly at Roy. "Just a little revenge, Roy. Be thankful you haven't done anything to truly upset me."

Before Roy could reply, baron Reddragon called the crowd to order. He began a rather long and rambling speech, thanking the Order for their heroic actions while they stood mute and uncomfortable in their finery. Finally, he got to the part that Roy assumed meant they were near the end of the whole thing. "And so, as a small token of my appreciation," The baron declared magnanimously, "I present to you my lovely daughter, Casey Reddragon, to grant you her favor."

"Almost done." Roy whispered to V. The young baroness-to-be had to bend over slightly to allow Durkon and Belkar to kiss her hand, the latter of whom began mumbling dirty offers to the girl before Roy very unsubtlely kicked him in the rear. Elan made a big show of it, bending at the waist and very gracefully putting his lips on the back of her hand. Next, the girl moved to Haley, and paused, seemingly unsure of herself.

"Look," Haley whispered. "I know it's usually men, and if I had my way I wouldn't be here, but let's just make everybody happy and get this over with."

"O-of course, miss Starshine." The girl whispered back, extending her hand.

"That's the spirit." Haley responded, winking suggestively as she took the girl's hand. The poor noble turned crimson and snatched her hand away quickly after Haley planted her lips there.

"Haley," Roy muttered warningly. "Stop sexually confusing the noblewoman."

"Sorry Roy, I've got 10gp against Belkar saying I could get a better reaction out of her than him. 10gp I just won, I may add." Haley replied flippantly.

Roy turned to Casey, sighing in exasperation. "I am so, so sorry for all the trouble my party members are causing." He whispered as he bent down to take the girl's hand.

"I-it's no problem, really. My father is so happy since you killed the wizard, mister Greenhilt."

"And you even got my name right. Thanks, kiddo."

Casey flashed him a winning smile before moving on to Vaarsuvius. The elf sighed thunderously and gave a great eye roll before daintily pecking the girl on her knuckles. And that's when all hell broke loose.

"NYAA-HA-HA-HO!!" A thoroughly insane voice thundered as purple smoke filled the room. The leering visage of the departed wizard Entresi appeared in the center above the room, his grey beard a mass of tangles, and his conical cap bent, exactly as he had been before Roy had run him through. "Behold, my final curse upon your pathetic lives! NYAA-HA-HA-HO!"

Roy could see guards frantically stabbing at the gigantic wizard's head, but the thing was clearly an illusion, and sword, spear, and arrow passed right through. The purple smoke began to congeal around the young baron's daughter, and she gagged, apparently being strangled.

"Durkon, V, do something!" Roy yelled, feeling powerless. He jumped forward and clawed at the purple smoke, which seemed to be suddenly solid.

"Dispel Magic!" He heard Durkon intone. He felt Durkon's power coil about the purple smoke, only to slough off uselessly. "Dispel Magic!" The dwarf cried again. Again it failed. "S'no use, lad! Vaarsuvius, stop the spell!"

Vaarsuvius had fallen back, apparently stunned. "I did not anticipate... how could that old wizard have..." The elf mumbled dazedly.

"Vaarsuvius, wake up, damn it!" Roy yelled. But it was too late. He could only look on in mute horror as the gagging girl's mouth was pried open by the smoke, and the horrid stuff poured into her as she struggled to breath.

All at once it was over. The wizard head vanished, the purple smoke dissipated, and Casey fell over, only to be caught be Roy. He laid her gently on the ground, and almost whooped for joy when she began coughing weakly. She was alive!

"Lady Casey, are you alright?!" He asked urgently.

"I-" *cough* "I'm-" *hack, cough* "alright." She wheezed. But she didn't sound alright. Her voice sounded... deeper?

Roy rolled her gently onto her back and peered confusedly at her face. She looked... different somehow. Her hair was still the same, but her features seemed somehow harder, like her face had been chisled. He glanced down and saw she was patting herself awkwardly, as if assuring herself that everything was still there. Then he saw her shoulders. They were wider. And her throat. "ohmygods."

Her eyes widened in alarm as she came to the same conclusion that Roy did. "I'm a boy!" She wailed (he wailed?). "That crazy wizard turned me into a boy!"

Baron Reddragon turned a shade more befitting of his name. "Guuuuuaaaaards!" He roared. "Apprehend the Order of the Stick! Clearly they were in league with Entresi all along!"

"What, no, that's not-" Roy pleaded.

"Hell yeah, it's about time this party got started!" Belkar whooped. "Durkon, ears, hold off the guards! I'll make sure the women and children don't make it out!"

"Damn it Belkar!" Roy hissed.

"Oh yeah." Belkar replied thoughtfully. "I'm faking - I mean - I don't do that stuff anymore."

"People, listen to me!" Roy said, raising his arms as the guards closed in. "This is clearly a mistake! We're not in league with the wizard! He's dead! I slew him myself! V, tell them you're not in league with Entresi."

Roy turned breathlessly towards the elf, who was currently sitting on the floor, mumbling. "Surely the wizard did not have the power to fool even me... No, no, this isn't right..."

"I've heard enough!" Baron Reddragon thundered. "Throw these miscreants in the dungeons! If we can't heal my beloved daughter, then we'll torture the procedure out of them!"

"Okay, fine." Roy said. "I didn't want to play rough, but we're mid-level adventurers, and we're not going down without a fight. Haley, Elan, cover Durkon and V."

"I must find the key to that wizard's research..."

"Never mind, just Durkon. Belkar, you're with me. Snatch a weapon and subdue these guards!"

"Hell yeah! Nothin' I lpve more than non-lethally subduing folks! Wink wink."

Roy chose not to dignify that with a response. "Alright team, break!"


Three rounds later...


The Order found themselves in adjacent cells in the baron's ill-used dungeons. Durkon, Belkar, Elan, and Roy shared one cell, while Haley and Vaarsuvius shared the other, a stone wall dividing the two groups.

"Who'd have known that the baron had so many well trained guards?" Haley asked thoughtfully.

"Nngh." Roy grunted in response, rubbing a bump on the back of his head. Today was clearly not his day.

"Hey Roy." Elan said.

"What is it?" Roy asked, exasperated.

"We're in prison, Roy."

"I see that, Elan."

"Hey."

"What?"

"Don't drop the soap."

"I swear to the gods Elan, I will shiv you."

And a part of the story is revealed. But where does it go from here? Only time (and my deranged brain) can tell! Oh, and if anyone picks up the shout out I was making at the end, well, you spend at least as much time on the internet as me. This may not be a good thing.

Bahahaha! That was hilarious!

Best line, in my opinion:

"Haley," Roy muttered warningly. "Stop sexually confusing the noblewoman."

[Monzach]

Greetings, fair folk (and foul, I don't exclude anyone).

A very much belated welcome to Coffee's chums.

*succesfully rolls a Will save to refrain from saying "Ah, fresh meat!" whilst imitating The Butcher from the first Diablo-game*

Um...why are you guys looking at me like that?

I earnestly try not to be the dirty old man of the thread, just so you know.

Also, it seems that I have twisted my ankle, or some such, and am presently bound to my quarters. At least I have the possibility to listen to the audio book version of the Arabian Nights.

[Zanaril]

But that must be a serious bruise to the ego once V or someone else confirms that the whole thing was completely and utterly consensual. I mean, Inky would have to wonder if it was hir fault or not. Was s/he just not good enough at it? Was Vaarsuvius discontent? Has she had other affairs? Does she love this goblin?

Somehow, I think that the added bonus of, yes, Vaarsuvius loves Redcloak would really drive the stake through Inky's heart.



That fits them perfectly, actually. I'm not sure what Inky would say, but s/he would say something. That whore? That slut? That something-that-I-can't-say-on-the-forum?

At what point would Reddy be offended on behalf of Suvie?:

I suspect that what would really get a reaction from Reddy is anything that implies Inky didn't care about V or somehow mistreated V prior to them getting divorced. What Inky says doesn't have to be untrue; we know that V is a workaholic, did neglect her relationship a bit, and did leave them to go looking for power. But those complaints comming from Inky could easily make hir look selfish and controlling, especially to someone equally dedicated to magic.

Add in a comment about V not wanting to have sex with hir, and it really paints Inky in a bad light. And if V hasn't actually talked much about her marriage previously Reddy's going to be at a loss for what to believe. Not that he won't try to be reasonable and see things from Inky's point of view, but ultimately, whose side is he going to take?

Reddy doesn't think V's a slut or a whore, so those insults are easy to dismiss, especially since V isn't awake to hear them and possibly get upset.

[Oooohaloophole]

Don't worry. I'll heal you.

*casts cure critical wounds*
...
Am I the only cleric here?

Uuuuum, major Healing Hex? Does that count?

And to Closak, BRING IT DRAGON BOY! (Turns on matrix Music and puts on black glasses).

I finally got my Muse! Im writing a story whith which I feal sucure with about Salinah the tiefling (Lets think which human has a relationship with a succubus).

Edit: You had that dream when you where 8!? Im not kidding but when I was 8 I had the pretty much the same dream only in a hotel, and instead of devouring my dog (I dont have one) they fed something to the dogs which corrupted them into monsters.
Plus every once a while I have a dream about Zombie apocalypses (Im fine whith dying, but making my souless body attack my family, is just to much).

[Zanaril]

Edit: You had that dream when you where 8!? Im not kidding but when I was 8 I had the pretty much the same dream only in a hotel, and instead of devouring my dog (I dont have one) they fed something to the dogs which corrupted them into monsters.
Plus every once a while I have a dream about Zombie apocalypses (Im fine whith dying, but making my souless body attack my family, is just to much).

I had a dream last night where I (except I wasn't me, I'm pretty sure the person I was dreaming of being was male and had a girlfriend. Also he had a red jacket.) had moved out of my parents house, but where I was staying was run by a group of shapeshifters who kidnapped the students living there and put them in inescapable traps remeniscent of Saw movies. And then they ate them. I think dream-me suspected this had happened to dream-me's girlfriend.

Halfway through I also suspected that my parents had at some point been killed and were being impersonated by shapeshifters. But no, they were just acing weird.

There was also something about us all getting stuck in a sinking car and drowning.

It was a fun dream.

[Asta Kask]

When I have anxiety dreams they usually involve one of two things.

a) I am called back to fifth grade and have to sit the math test once again, because of some glitch in the system. And I can't make heads or tails of it. Needless to say, the rest of the class seem quite happy with it.

b) I am at my workplace in my underwear and looking for my clothes.

Both of these are family heirlooms, by the way. My mom has them too.

[Zanaril]

When I have anxiety dreams they usually involve one of two things.

a) I am called back to fifth grade and have to sit the math test once again, because of some glitch in the system. And I can't make heads or tails of it. Needless to say, the rest of the class seem quite happy with it.

b) I am at my workplace in my underwear and looking for my clothes.

Both of these are family heirlooms, by the way. My mom has them too.

Do you ever get dreams where your teeth start falling out, but when you try to get help everyone ignores you or tells you to stop being a wimp?

[Asta Kask]

Do you ever get dreams where your teeth start falling out, but when you try to get help everyone ignores you or tells you to stop being a wimp?

Only after reading Tommyknockers. Stephen King is the only author to have provoked a full-scale panic attack in me (although that was with Pet Sematary - zombies freak me out big-time).

[Oooohaloophole]

Do you ever get dreams where your teeth start falling out, but when you try to get help everyone ignores you or tells you to stop being a wimp?

Does skin Crackling up and breaking off count?
Oh and I dreamed I got turned (Not was) a girl after reading the second wizard of oz
And That I was infected with a Virus that was melting my scin off
And my favourite dream was a two parter. It happened a year after the first one, it was about grass growing on the moon and the reaperance of adam and eve

[Sereg]

For some reason, my muse has taken to hanging out in my lab during office hours. I hope I can convince her about when it’s appropriate for her to visit.

Belkar x Nacle (For those of you who don’t know, “Nacle” was a suggested fan nickname for the nameless cleric of Loki that I happen to like)

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“Wow!” said the cleric, “You really are a powerful warrior. You said that you were a sexy shoeless god of war and you were telling the truth. What’s more is that I really liked fighting by your side and how you rescued me and helped me get my revenge.”
“Yeah, you better be tough if you want to take on the Belkster!” answered Belkar, “A bunch of burglars and shoplifters isn’t going to slow me down!”
“Oh yes!” said the cleric “I’d be a fool not to notice your superb fighting skills, such power and technique. It is highly attractive. Is this what you meant by the “sexy” part?” Belkar grinned and answered, “Tell you what, I’ll show you what I meant if you don’t mind sharing me with the hot bard chick we met earlier, whatever her name was.”

Belkar x Crystal

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“In other words it’s Haley’s job to kill you and not mine.” said Belkar.
“Oh yeah!” screeched Crystal, “Well…what if Haley CAN’T kill me? What then pipsqueak?”
“Yeah,” answered Belkar, “I was just messing with you. The truth is I decided it would be a lot more fun to leave you disabled but alive.” With that, he grinned evilly and leaned in closer.

I am seriosly enjoying your fic Dark_Stryke.

Oh, and if we're discussing dreams like those, I've had one where someone was trying to gender-flip everyone (and succeeded with many, including me) and I have had several dreams ending in my gruesome death.

[half-halfling]

Hello , deoxyribose428 and MariVoloSa .

"Hey, look! I can balance the spoon on my ear!"

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Dark_Stryke's fic was awesome! I especially liked scene with Haley and Baron's doughter.
And speaking of scary dreams , I sometimes have one where I am climbing a staircase, and suddenly everything starts to fall down, and I end up on a small platform above bottomless pit. But compared to other people's dreams about family members being eaten, I think it's not that bad .

[Sereg]

Oh and incidently for those who wanted to know, a previous edition of D&D listed elves as able to reproduce with any humanoid other than orcs.

[Oooohaloophole]

Oh Half Hafling, you silly.

Well here I go

Salinah, Nale/Sabrinas child

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I saw it. The Angel. It was wearing a mask concealing its face. I was scared; I felt the sweat drip to the floor. It turned around, it saw me. It started floating towards me; I couldn’t float so I ran. They where everywhere. They were descending from above. I saw fire, why? It was behind me, it grabbed me by the throat, and it lifted me up. It chuckled. I saw them. They where heading towards me. They where glowing, holy light. It inspected me, they checked my head. I heard more chuckles. The laughter boomed through me, the laughter was heavy. I felt pain, it wasn’t physical pain. It felt like my breath was on fire. I was breathing fire. More chuckles. It dropped me. I wanted to see my parents, were where they? I felt myself crying. Everything that wasn’t my skin was on fire. I saw my hand, it was lighting up like a candle. I saw my bones, I wish I could look more carefully but I was on fire. There where gone. Why? Why wouldn’t they help me? They where angels, I knew angels where kind. Why not help me? I was on fire. I collapsed.

She gasped for air. She saw her horse, she saw the fire. She was on the ground. She looked at her hand. It was light brown. She cursed the heavens. She looked around. It was dark. The wind was blowing. She took the bucket of water and put out the fire. She stomped the remaining ashes into the ground. She took out the sleeping bag. She went back to sleep.

So, what you think? Its my first go so Dont be harsh, but tell me of the problems

[Zanaril]

Oh Half Hafling, you silly.

Well here I go

Salinah, Nale/Sabrinas child

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I saw it. The Angel. It was wearing a mask concealing its face. I was scared; I felt the sweat drip to the floor. It turned around, it saw me. It started floating towards me; I couldn’t float so I ran. They where everywhere. They were descending from above. I saw fire, why? It was behind me, it grabbed me by the throat, and it lifted me up. It chuckled. I saw them. They where heading towards me. They where glowing, holy light. It inspected me, they checked my head. I heard more chuckles. The laughter boomed through me, the laughter was heavy. I felt pain, it wasn’t physical pain. It felt like my breath was on fire. I was breathing fire. More chuckles. It dropped me. I wanted to see my parents, were where they? I felt myself crying. Everything that wasn’t my skin was on fire. I saw my hand, it was lighting up like a candle. I saw my bones, I wish I could look more carefully but I was on fire. There where gone. Why? Why wouldn’t they help me? They where angels, I knew angels where kind. Why not help me? I was on fire. I collapsed.

She gasped for air. She saw her horse, she saw the fire. She was on the ground. She looked at her hand. It was light brown. She cursed the heavens. She looked around. It was dark. The wind was blowing. She took the bucket of water and put out the fire. She stomped the remaining ashes into the ground. She took out the sleeping bag. She went back to sleep.

So, what you think? Its my first go so Dont be harsh, but tell me of the problems

For a first try, it's great! The only real problem I have with it is there's too many short repetative sentences/clauses. It's good for effect, but you need longer bits in between.

If you do use lots of short sentences or sentence clauses, try missing out some of the pronouns, so instead of

It turned around, it saw me.

you could use

It turned around, saw me.

It doesn't make much difference to the single sentence, but overall it would make it flow better.

Keep it up! I'm looking forward to seeing you write more.

[Oooohaloophole]

For a first try, it's great! The only real problem I have with it is there's too many short repetative sentences/clauses. It's good for effect, but you need longer bits in between.

If you do use lots of short sentences or sentence clauses, try missing out some of the pronouns, so instead of



you could use



It doesn't make much difference to the single sentence, but overall it would make it flow better.

Keep it up! I'm looking forward to seeing you write more.

At least im not Miller And Realized that. No more Repetitive sentances.
And yesss! I wanted Nale to finaly realize that he IS a slave to the alighnment system and to his brother (Just because he is your twin no reason to act opposite from him) So i will portray him more kindly.

[Dark_Stryke]

Heh, thanks for the kind words, folks.

Oh, before I forget. Nathander, I recently read your Therkla/Miko fic and... wow. It's very good. Keep it up. The only complaint I have is...

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His name...

WAS KUBOTA!!!

Oh yeah, since we're talking about dreams, I recently had one where I was Samus Aran (spacefaring bounty hunter of Metroid fame). I was trying to train apprentice bounty hunters or something, but since Samus never talks when she's in her power suit (which I was), I couldn't either! I spent most of the dream waving my gun-arm around while people asked me questions that I couldn't answer, or tried to follow my vague directions. Very, very weird.

[Water-Smurf]

Who drew the picture of Tiasel that Water Smurf has been using as her avatar again?

Because I have to say, each time I see it, Tiasel looks more and more beautiful.

Kaytara made it. And I see what you mean. You'd think that someone with such inhuman coloring and tusks wouldn't be beautiful, but she is. And that's part of what I've been aiming to show throughout the story.

I suspect that what would really get a reaction from Reddy is anything that implies Inky didn't care about V or somehow mistreated V prior to them getting divorced.

What kind of comment could Inky slip that would make it seem like that? It couldn't just be something like 'She shouldn't have left me and the kids for six years!' could it? Even with his obvious bias, Redcloak wouldn't be irritated by one spouse wishing that the other didn't up and walk out like that.

What Inky says doesn't have to be untrue; we know that V is a workaholic, did neglect her relationship a bit, and did leave them to go looking for power. But those complaints comming from Inky could easily make hir look selfish and controlling, especially to someone equally dedicated to magic.

Add in a comment about V not wanting to have sex with hir, and it really paints Inky in a bad light. And if V hasn't actually talked much about her marriage previously Reddy's going to be at a loss for what to believe. Not that he won't try to be reasonable and see things from Inky's point of view, but ultimately, whose side is he going to take?

But how would he deal with this? Get tense and defensive of course, but he wouldn't want to do anything bad to V's ex-spouse. Vaarsuvius has enough to deal with as-is.

And how would he react to the fact that Vaarsuvius hadn't slept with her spouse often at all? I mean, he and V have been acting a little like rabbits. From his point of view, Vaarsuvius has the potential to be a very sensual person and has a healthy interest in sex. Sure, it'd be flattering, but it'd also be a little awkward to learn...

Oh and incidently for those who wanted to know, a previous edition of D&D listed elves as able to reproduce with any humanoid other than orcs.

Awesome. ^.^

...Now I want to make a V/orc pairing just to stick it to the so-called 'limits'...